r/whatdoIdo • u/sunflowerhush • 17h ago
AITAH for no longer feeling attracted to my boyfriend after a conversation about opening up our relationship?
​
My boyfriend and I recently discussed the possibility of having a threesome with one of his close friend.
During our conversation, I repeatedly asked him if he was genuinely comfortable with the idea, especially since the third person would be someone he knew personally. Each time, he reassured me that he was comfortable with it. He even explained that he felt more comfortable with someone he knew rather than a stranger. I felt the same way, as I wouldn't want to do this with a stranger either.
We discussed the idea in quite a lot of detail, and he asked me several questions about a dream I had that involved a similar situation. Based on everything he said, I genuinely believed we were on the same page.
The next day, after thinking everything through, I told him that I wanted to move forward with it. That's when he told me he wasn't comfortable with the idea after all.
I immediately told him that it was completely fine and that we wouldn't do anything if he wasn't comfortable. I have no issue with respecting his boundaries, and I don't want him to agree to something he doesn't want.
However, I asked him why he hadn't told me how he really felt during our conversation the previous day, especially when I had repeatedly checked in with him. He told me that he wanted to see where I stood on the subject first.
That honestly made me feel manipulated. I had been open and honest with him about my thoughts, and he had encouraged the conversation by reassuring me that he was comfortable and asking me questions. I feel like I was being led to believe that we had reached a mutual understanding, only for him to reveal his actual feelings after I expressed that I was ready to proceed.
He also explained that he would have been okay with it if our relationship weren't leading toward marriage, but because he sees us getting married someday, he no longer wants to consider it.
To be clear, I am not upset that he changed his mind or that he doesn't want a threesome. I respect that completely, and nothing would happen unless we were both genuinely comfortable with it.
What has affected me is how the conversation unfolded. I repeatedly gave him opportunities to tell me how he felt, and I believed he was being honest with me. Now, I feel like I can't trust that he is telling me what he genuinely thinks when we discuss something important.
Since this happened, I've noticed that I don't feel as attracted to him anymore. It's not because he said no, but because the situation has changed how I perceive him and how safe I feel being vulnerable and honest with him.
So, AITA for losing attraction to my boyfriend because of how he handled this conversation, even though I completely respect his decision not to go through with the threesome?
14
224
u/Mysterious_School558 16h ago
So he found out you want to bang one of his best friends and you're no longer attracted to him. I'd say this relationship is more than over.
86
u/Stunning-Ad3377 16h ago
Right! He just went along with her to get all the information he needed from her fantasy. Op may have thought it was mutual and a safe space for discussion. But… If you’re dreaming about 3somes and saying you’ll fuck his friend. What else is there to say… After 5 yrs and the possibility of marriage, it sounds like he was disappointed with the outcome of his GF’s final decision.
27
59
u/Best_Caregiver_3869 16h ago
Everyone in this thread is completely glazing over this fact. Wild.
If he had told her that he wanted a threesome with her bestie, the comments would be very different.
5
u/Aztralxxx 4h ago
“The comments would be different if this was a different situation” headass
4
u/S_Screen 3h ago
But it’s the exact same situation, just with the roles reversed. That’s their point. “The comments would be different if this was the exact same situation but flipped”
→ More replies (1)2
u/BoredDao 7h ago
I literally opened this post with a thought in my head “let’s see whom started this topic” and I wasn’t wrong lmao
→ More replies (48)1
u/defnothereforporn 7h ago
He found out that and then lied to her face so she could talk more abt it… and also stayed with her???? Bro could’ve dumped her if he felt that bad 😭 both parties had a lot of learning to do
42
u/BattleGiraffe516 14h ago
Please realize that this may not be manipulation at all. Sometimes it takes time alone to proccess thought or feelings. At the time of this discussion he may have been contemplating the idea since he wants to make you happy. Its similar to people pleasing. People say yes enthusiastically to please others and then when they sit on the idea they realize they do not want to proceed.
Not everything is manipulation, sometimes its just a change of heart.
Last note: If this is what makes you lose attraction to him, maybe you dont love him as much as you think. I suggest you think deeply about what you have together and what you want for your future. To me this seems like a personal issue, might even want to talk to a therapist
5
u/sunflowerhush 14h ago
I will thank u and reading the comments i have decided to talk to him about everything and even show him the posts.
5
u/AntiMiracle 12h ago
This is exactly what I thought. Sometimes i ask questions about thinks where i have no idea where I stand and im asking as just looking for more data points so that i can have a starting point to figure that out.
4
u/Yesben000 11h ago
I was thinking about the same thing. In the heat of the moment because he’s a people pleaser he agreed to it at the time. Then once he actually stepped back and properly thought about it he said “I don’t want that”
3
u/BbyDrowDrow 11h ago
Oh 100% the dude needs to have some self respect for himself instead of trying to please her. Honestly at this point bro should dump her. Can’t believe he’s talking about marriage to a girl who keeps trying to convince him to let her fuck his bestfriend.
25
u/Wildmanzilla 12h ago edited 10h ago
Sometimes the idea of something is hot, until it gets real. Then you can't undo it. Becoming cognisant of that in advance is paramount if this is not a disposable relationship.
Honestly, maybe be flattered that he realizes he finds you too special to share.
→ More replies (2)9
u/sunflowerhush 11h ago
Actually i did think that and i accepted it too . After he told me he does not wna share me i also feel the same way. Thank u ..
4
u/Remarkable_End_6476 8h ago
Important lesson for you both.
Don’t overlook the fact that with more communication opinions can change. Don’t loose sight of the most important fact, this was about doing something together.
3
u/msft111 4h ago
But why did you wanna fuck his friend is the question…you haven’t answered- out of all people you chose his friend and initiated it. You basically asked your boyfriend if you could fuck his best friend.
5
1
u/Wildmanzilla 14m ago
No. He wanted his best friend to do it. It was his idea. Not hers. I get it, from a guys perspective, especially if you've seen porn. Thing is, it's hot to see the girl get into it, but not when it's your person... Then it becomes too real. What if she likes him more... Etc... It's poison that won't go away
2
u/Wildmanzilla 10h ago
He's a keeper, and so are you. Your body is his temple, and his, yours. When you bring those memories into the equation, it will create a crack in the foundation of your bond. Monogamous relationships are often seen as old school thinking these days - more often than it should be. The bond between a couple is only strengthened by commitment to each other, and protecting the image of that commitment through love and trust.
If you guys want the threesome experience, get a toy and ride it while you pay attention to him. He probably isn't in love with the idea of a threesome in reality, but rather he loves seeing and feeling the reaction of your pleasure. Personally, I can totally relate to that.
7
u/NorthernRealmJackal 12h ago
Obviously we can't say whether YTA based on this. Most likely, nobody is the a-hole. We don't know exactly how the conversation went, and I think it matters a lot what was said, who suggested the friend in question, and your attitude throughout. You clearly felt like it went:
-"Hey would you be cool with eating meat?" -"I guess, if you wanted it." -"Oh I definitely want it! Gimme that juicy steak!" -"Then I suppose we could try." -"Psyke! I'm 100% vegan, and you failed my test, and actually I'm repulsed by the fact that you aren't vegan too."
I trust you get the allegory.
If that's how you experienced it, then it's not weird that you feel manipulated. I think you should start by explaining your side to your bf, and why feel like it was an immensely dishonest and childish approach.
If you want to fix it, you have to reassure him that you were trying to meet him halfway, and accommodate something that he wanted too - something that was supposed to be a shared experience. You have to make sure to communicate that you were only trying to be honest, and he has to not ask questions he can't handle the answer too.
But you also have to make it clear that lying and performing a "test" on you (if that's what he was trying to do), regarding something this touchy and vulnerable, was really hurtful, and broke your trust.
There's no way around talking this one out.
6
u/Vegetable_Fig1442 11h ago edited 7h ago
You just admitted to the dude you want to fuck his best friend (that YOU brought back up just to double down on the very next day!) and was all for it and then proceeded to say you’re the one who lost attraction.. you got completely exposed for what your intentions and fantasies are. And yall talking about marriage just to drop this is imo disgusting.
Some things are best left as a fantasy so if yall make it through this, grow from it.
→ More replies (3)
6
u/InfiniteHall8198 7h ago
You sure you’re not just embarrassed thinking you’ve let the cat out of the bag about having the hots for his mate? I doubt that’s gonna age well over time.
5
u/Sensitive-Feed-4101 5h ago
Who suggested it being a close friend of his? That’s insanity to me, especially if you were the one pushing for it
4
u/KingKbeezo 13h ago
“My boyfriend and I recently discussed the possibility of having a threesome with one of his close friend. During our conversation…”
Hold on a minute. Why don’t you tell us how this conversation came to be? I mean things like this aren’t just something that both people get an idea for simultaneously. I have a feeling you might have glossed over that for a reason
1
u/sunflowerhush 13h ago
We both have on several occasions talked about the possibility of a threesome and the convo started when he was leaving for something but i did not want him to .. this was on text.. i said so would u rather do that or talk about us having a threesome and he said obviously this and it went from there..
1
u/Lanky-Step-3559 2h ago
That is a very bad way to start a convo, trying to get him to not go to something he wanted to do by brining up a high value convo is a lil missed up.
1
u/sunflowerhush 1h ago
No it wasn't that it started as a fun topic if the work was important i wouldn't keep him.
1
u/Lanky-Step-3559 1h ago
You said he was leaving so you gave him an ultimate to talk about this or go? Are you sure he was starting in a chill way, or felt he should continue
1
u/KingKbeezo 1h ago
Whats with the “we both have” stuff, ur still not saying how the talk of threesomes originated in your relationship. What’s the starting point. Did you both one day blurt out your desires to have a threesome at each other at the same time while watching tv? I see this specific conversation was initiated by you but if this was a topic you introduced to the relationship in the first place that paints an informative picture about this situation. Btw the “would u rather do what u were going to do or talk about us having a threesome” and that just basically meaning to talk about u smashing his friend, and ur presenting that as something that would appeal to him for some reason sounds hella weird u have to know that right
1
u/sunflowerhush 1h ago
I have specified tgat in several comments feel free to check .
1
u/KingKbeezo 1h ago
Someone asked you “who brought it up in the first place” and you, like you’re doing here, blur the lines and say “we both” as if you don’t remember the specific instance in which this talk was introduced to your relationship. Which isn’t an answer to the question. You have done that more than once.
1
u/sunflowerhush 1h ago
I have specified who bought it up i never said both.
1
u/KingKbeezo 1h ago
“We both have brought up this conversation several times in out 5 yr relationship” is literally your response to someone who asked you about it. When they didn’t ask you that. They asked who brought it up in the first place. You haven’t mentioned the actual answer in any comment I’ve seen
5
u/Boring-Attention1730 10h ago
Maybe he just had a day to think about it properly as opposed to making a spur of the moment decision that could ruin his planned future with you.
Wouldn’t call you and asshole per say, me and my partner had the same situation, where I was open to it if it’s something she wanted, but after a day or so I told her that after more thought I felt like I’d put a lot of work into being by her side and us staying together, and I the continued train of thought that somebody else could be that intimate with her despite going through the hardships that we had together made me increasingly jealous and angry that a stranger or a friend could simply step into the same place I had fought and persevered to gain and maintain.
People can change their mind. Doesn’t make them an asshole, being ignorant and allowing it to have an effect on your relationship when it may have just taken time for him to gain the confidence to be honest with you as opposed to running the risk of having an argument when you where resigned to having a comfortable and safe convo.
You shouldn’t say regardless of his decision it wouldn’t have changed things, when clearly after some deliberation and honesty he’s told you how he truly feels and it’s changed things. Thats on you.
16
u/Repulsive_Tackle_938 14h ago
How could he be manipulating you? Sounds like you were the one that brought up the idea and you were the one pushing it. It sounds like he was blindsided and just agreed with it momentarily, because he couldn't believe what you were saying to him. So you basically told him you wanted to have sex with one of his close friends and now you're trying to make him out to be the bad guy?? It's a good thing you let this all out before he tried to marry you. We've seen this sort of situation a thousand times when it's the other way around. And we always counsel the women to drop the man. The same goes for either gender.
5
u/sunflowerhush 14h ago
No we have talked about threesome in the past and he has also bought us people we ckuld try it with but it was never a serios sit down convo.
→ More replies (1)3
u/Previous-Can-6150 5h ago
Why would you bring up his friend tho. Just because you feel absolutely comfortable in a relationship doesnt mean you can break that trust. Lol he probably doesnt even feel bad about the situation because you wanted to FUCK his friend. Lol the issue is you feel like he should be more sympathetic but you wanted to FUCK his friend. The issue is your only seeing his actions as immoral without looking at yourself therefore in your eyes all the blame falls on him
0
u/AccomplishedCount864 13h ago
That is definitely a projection. OP isn’t in the wrong here. You don’t pretend to have an honest conversation with your partner and then reveal that it was all some test to see what they would do. If he wasn’t comfortable with it, he should have been honest about it from the beginning
10
u/Repulsive_Tackle_938 13h ago
He never said it was a test. They had a discussion, then the next day after thinking things through he said he changed his mind. Those are her exact words.
3
u/AccomplishedCount864 12h ago
“He told me he wanted to see where I stood on the subject first.” It was definitely a test of some kind
→ More replies (6)
3
u/GlitteringProject828 12h ago edited 11h ago
I know what he did was annoying but you should have given him a longer timeline to process his feelings. It’s not your fault you just didn’t know it’s just one of those lessons you learn the hard way. If he wanted to marry you this topic should not even have been had. This kind of thing is for unserious relationships.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/unruly_minnow 5h ago
Whose idea was it in the first place? You don't say, you just start off that you were discussing it. I feel like this is a very important detail that you left out.
6
u/worlds-apart21 5h ago
She was the one to have the dream about it so she definitely brought it up first
5
u/inlawstress 4h ago
Ah the old “just a dream” cover to test the waters on fucking his hot friend.
She was manipulating him just as much as she is complaining she was being manipulated.
10
u/twice_a_blue 13h ago
While he could have been more forthcoming I don’t blame him for changing his mind as he thought on it. I think you’re kind of the AH for thinking about that and bringing it up in a monogamous relationship. If my wife suddenly came to me saying she wanted to sleep with my best friend but wouldn’t if I’m uncomfortable with it, regardless of my answer thats kind of messed up. The fact that even came into your mind and considered it is messed up and he was probably trying to see if you were serious. Again even if he was up front.. thats still potentially relationship ending. Most people who actually love their partner would never consider sleeping with someone else. I realize there’s open relationships but thats a very small exception and usually those people both communicate they are open to that.
Even if he brought it up as a test, still failed but the idea of testing your partner is also stupid to me so I don’t agree with him there.
→ More replies (2)
8
u/WinGroundbreaking706 11h ago
So basically you want permission to bang his friend lol.. thats the reason you no longer attracted to him not because of the conversation.. stop making up excuses and be honest with yourself and with your soon to be ex..
→ More replies (3)
10
u/Strict-Mongoose-9833 15h ago
Yikes, then leave him, at least he can find someone not dreaming of there best friend
1
6
u/CrisPuga 17h ago
What a messy situation. I think you're not the asshole, nobody is, really. This is a super strange and touchy subject, and nobody really knows how they'll react until they're specifically in that situation.
I don't fault your partner tbh, and I don't think he tried to manipulate you, but that doesn't mean you're at fault either, you know? And well, if you're not feeling attracted to him anymore, then I'd ask myself a couple of more serious questions. What was it that attracted you to him in the first place? How did this all break that? Could it take time or something from him to get that back?
These are all questions I'd ask myself to see what I'd do moving forward. And of course, talk it out. As many times as needed. You and your partner need to go through this if you want to stay together.
3
5
u/intolerablefem 17h ago
Info: Who initiated the threesome conversation in the first place?
And yes, this would throw several red flags for me. If you don’t have honesty with your partner, what’s the point?
5
u/sunflowerhush 17h ago
The threesom convo has come up several time in the 5yrs we have been together. This time i bought it up and we started talking about how it will happen and where with who and boundaries.
5
u/abcdcba1232 12h ago
Info: who brought it up?
If you brought him up, you probably just caught him by surprise.
If he brought it up, then either he manipulated you or he wasn’t sure how he felt and he needed to talk it out and hear your side before he could process it.
Idk just talk to him again. Don’t assume manipulation off the bat.
→ More replies (4)
7
u/ItchyAd4717 12h ago
Yeh lost me... Break up and go do your swinging with someone else.. you are in fact the AH, but your reasons for feeling how you feel are justified nonetheless, still the AH though. Bye. Also, you can keep saying it's not because he said no until you believe it, changes nth.
8
u/intellectual1x1 12h ago
I love how OP didn’t indicate who’s idea was it to have a 3some…. Which im assuming she did, and from the sound of it sounds like OP keeps bringing it up trying to make it happen. And she’s shocked that her boyfriend doesnt want her to bang his best friend ??? Just be single if you want to “explore” and be wild with other partners, save your boyfriend the headache.
→ More replies (3)
14
u/Whole_Net_2220 17h ago
NTA. You feel how you feel. Period.
Some people are monogamous. Others are not. He was trying to figure out which category you fall into. Don't be surprised if this relationship ends soon.
1
u/sunflowerhush 17h ago
Whyy would the relationship end?
17
u/neutralperson6 17h ago
Because it seems like you’re not monogamous and he is. If you were, you wouldn’t have pushed for a threesome.
→ More replies (5)12
u/Whole_Net_2220 17h ago
I just think he was trying to see if you're monogamous. In his mind now, you're not.
→ More replies (10)
16
u/Chris___M 16h ago
You feel manipulated? Seriously? Did you ever think that such a request may take a while to process. Sounds like he processed it and honestly reported back? He’s not being manipulative. You are.
→ More replies (2)
3
u/HunterLeftOnReddit 1h ago
NOT the asshole. That's way too much manipulation on his part. Imagine marrying that kinda person. This manipulation was big already, you really wanna share a legal identity with someone like that? Bank accounts? Property? I wouldn't.
3
4
u/trunksta 5h ago
If I were him you'd be long gone. 4 the streets
1
u/Cre4mPie777 3h ago
I mean from her replies im pretty sure itwas a mutual discussion that was also his idea, with his friend that she apparently didnt know personally anyways.
→ More replies (7)
2
u/Recklol 12h ago
Honesty and openness are the core foundations of a strong and healthy relationship. Communication is key. Communicate your feelings to him, tell him how that comment made you feel and how it’s affected you - that you feel like you were being tested.
This may just be a badly worded answer from him or a way to easily let you down from something he no longer felt comfortable about. But communication is always key here. People always jump on Reddit to ask relationship questions before having a conversation with their partner.
Talk to him and see if you can understand why he said that. If he did indeed “test you” or whatever, then yes that is not right and not healthy, and that warrants a different type of conversation about disrespecting you by doing so.
2
2
u/KoalaClassic1152 3h ago
Perhaps he just needed time to understand and feel his feelings more. Not everyone digests and process information amd their own feelings at the same speed. You do have to give time to people to understand themselves. Maybe he was genuinely open to the idea, but then gave it an extra thought and realised it wasn't his thing.
People have the right to change their feelings and their ideas.
The fact your attraction towards him changed after he changed his mind tells more about you than him.
And please do not take this last sentence as an attack. I am a solo poly person in a relationship with another solo poly person.
I tried to have relationship with monogamous people but it is not easy and it did not work out for me in the past even if I tried.
Maybe you should look inward and see what you really want from a relationship instead of blaming your boyfriend.
Also, you guys should talk a bit more I reckon. Good communication always helps.
Good luck ✨️
1
u/sunflowerhush 1h ago
Thank u and yes we talked and will stay monogamous. I told him how it made me feel and he explained his part.we will be fine afterall.
→ More replies (1)
5
u/ashinymess 7h ago
He didn't change his mind though - he just lied about it to your face first.
1
u/KoalaClassic1152 3h ago
I don't agree with your opinion.
When it comes to opening up a relationship many people are keen to the idea. Until an opportunity comes up and they realised it they didn't really wanted it, and it was just a fantasy.
It is not different from watching an MMA fight and thinking you could do it, and then realising that no actually you do not want to get punched in the face and be knocked out.
Fantasy and imagination do not have to align with reality.
And people need time to understand to what extent their fantasy is a real desire or is just that, a fantasy.
1
u/ashinymess 2h ago
I'm interpreting "he said he wanted to see where I stood on the subject first" as that he knew during the conversation the night before what he wanted, supported by his follow up opinion that he would not have cared if they hadn't been headed for marriage.
It sounds like you interpreted those statements differently. People are absolutely allowed to change their minds, but that's not what he said when she asked why he didn't say those things originally.I suppose I disagree with your implicit interpretation that he changed his mind rather than withheld and misrepresented himself.
I won't bring up the additional context of them having brought this up repeatedly over 5 years, and sometimes him being the one to do that, as those facts were not known to me when I made my first comment, only what was originally in the post.
1
u/KoalaClassic1152 2h ago
I think both you and the OP are over thinking him saying that he wanted to know where she stood on the subject first.
I believe there is nothing wrong in wanting to understand your partner before making a decision.
How can that be a manipulation? I might be a gullible person, but to me that just show that he wanted to understand her more.
1
u/ashinymess 2h ago
Fair enough. I would defer to someone who had this conversation directly because it's easy to misrepresent (in favor of or biased against) info you only read in text. It seems like OP is going to go back to their partner and talk through things so perhaps we'll learn you were correct.
1
u/KoalaClassic1152 2h ago
I am in an ENM relationship and I tried to be on open relationships in the past with partners who were monogamous.
Let me tell you, majority of monogamous people are keen to the idea of a threesome because it is a great fantasy to have, but when the time to get things done come, they realise they don't want it. And what do you expect really? They're monogamous!
I am not saying that mono/poly relationship are not possible, but they are hard if there is not a constant communication and checking with the partners.
I would recommend the OP to find a partner that is ENM like herself. Otherwise in a few years time she will definitely end up cheating.
3
u/CartoonistKey2460 16h ago
Just a question, is the friend of his a male friend?
4
u/sunflowerhush 16h ago
Yeah it was his male friend. But we also talked about if it were to be a female who would it be.
3
u/CartoonistKey2460 15h ago
I personally wouldn’t be okay with my girlfriend wanting to sleep with my buddies. That being said, I’m quite a conservative individual. Maybe he was testing you to see your reaction - I guess finding someone more aligned to your idea of a sexual relationship would be better.
2
2
u/loadeddiaper6 4h ago
Not wanting your gf to sleep with your friends is not conservative lmaoooooo
1
4
u/Yesben000 10h ago
I’m going to give my 2 cents on this. My personal opinion is that upon reflection and it actually looking likely it could happen, he realised that you are “wife” material and doesn’t want to share. Some people can do this sort of thing but it’s a very very small percentage. I couldn’t for a minute want someone having sex with my wife/gf. If I was to have a FFM threesome I’d still feel like I was cheating on her even if agreed. Fantasies are literally that. You don’t have to pursue it.
I think after he reflected on it and didn’t want it, he was perhaps angry and said hurtful things (like making it sound like he was manipulating you).
Unless you both really want to be together then this relationship is cooked. He may not look at you in the same way and you say you’ve lost attraction to him.
Keep us updated and I wish you both the best
6
u/Slashredd1t 8h ago
Whaaaaattyyty I Tottaly don’t get it… you wanted permission to cheat on your boyfriend and now it makes you sad?? Awhh WHO WOULDA THOUGHT
Also to answer the wdid part of the subreddit here, you leave that man alone so he can find a partner not a part timer
3
u/IAmCapnOblivious 6h ago
It's so weird to me how different people get such a different take on a post like this. I mean did you even read it? Did you just skim it?
I will say the title and the post are talking about different things. Title says opening the relationship and the post is talking about a Threesome. @op those aren't the same thing.
3
u/Irish-Green 7h ago
How is exploring sexually as a threesome permission to cheat? If its all consensual, there isnt the problem.
The boyfriend was in with the idea and chose his friend rather than a stranger. He had input and could have said no in the first place, he possibly could have brought up the idea we dont know.
But the whole thing seemed to come across as a test. Not sure how you get cheating from this?
→ More replies (2)1
u/Kindly-Chemist5685 3h ago
you do realize he would be a part of the sexual act too right? that’s what the threesome implies.
4
u/Crooklyn_Grimez 17h ago
Nta. You don't need to do anything at this point. He will probably break up soon. In his head about shit. You was with it with his friend. Not saying it was a test but yeah.
5
u/sunflowerhush 16h ago
Okay....
7
u/Crooklyn_Grimez 16h ago
Listen you was honest. That's the most important thing. You seen what he did with that.
→ More replies (1)3
u/sunflowerhush 16h ago
I know but everyone seems to say he will break up with me because i wanted to bang his friend which is not true qe were discussing potential people we would be comfortable with
13
u/Crooklyn_Grimez 16h ago
And if you said hell no to the friend I'm sure it would've eased his mind. But you didn't. This is where you are now. Not saying it was a test but I'm sure reality sank in when he gave it thought.
2
3
u/LandFun6781 15h ago
But you wanted.
The "test" was a wrong thing to do to you, but you failed anyways.
→ More replies (6)1
u/Vegetable_Fig1442 11h ago
Which is you saying you would have sex with his best friend lmao that admits your attraction pretty plainly don’t you think?
1
u/sunflowerhush 11h ago
We also talked my friends i didn't think that was wierd that he wanted to bang my friend.and its not like the friend said yes .he would have asked him and good change the friend says no.
1
u/Lanky-Step-3559 2h ago
Ah did he say yes to a close friend of yours? That does very much change the dynamic
1
u/sunflowerhush 1h ago
Yeah we talked and if we had gone through with it we might have explored that option
1
u/Lanky-Step-3559 1h ago
But did he mention a specific friend of yours? And secondly did you mention a specific friend of his?
2
u/ravairia 3h ago
It feels manipulative because it's manipulative. It's normal for a healthy people to not be attracted to liars.
2
2
2
u/insanelysane1234 16h ago
NTA. I have that as well. When I feel deeply betrayed and the trust breaks, it's as if the relationship is breaking with it. I can't see you the same way anymore. And for me, that's when I walk away. I've tried staying in the past and trying to repair the relationship. Spoiler: it doesn't work. It only might work, if the other person is as devastated by the loss of trust as you are and deeply wants to repair. And then actually does things, to do so.
My advice: walk away from this person. The way he told you about it, it's normal behavior to him, to "test" people. I personally wouldn't want to be in such a relationship.
→ More replies (1)
1
u/PopPuzzleheaded3296 13h ago
If you are fine doing it with your friend involved then why don't you do it first as it sounds like it's your fantasy not his. Either way if you both are okay sharing each other to your friends then it's already a wrap at that point anyway. Just break up. In fact no, keep each other so the rest of us don't have to deal with it.
1
u/Key_Pianist_2349 13h ago
I will never understand why people want to open the relationship to fuck someone they know.
1
1
u/Fun_Reception_2301 12h ago
I think youre a little at fault for how you feel. But its partially perspective. My take is this. He wanted to do it, but not with someone he is serious about. So he probably liked the idea, and he was willing to let you voice your view on things. But when he sat down and thought about it he values you too much to share. If he isn't judging you and you aren't judging him then instead of focusing on your perception of the conversation maybe focus on him wanting to marry you and valuing him and maybe he can be attractive to you again.
1
u/Glittering-Path-2824 12h ago
he wanted to know if you’d go for that sort of thing, even though he won’t. it’s manipulative (although he may say he was testing you) but now he knows you would. do with that what you will. his next salvo will be to understand why you were okay with it.
1
u/RefrigeratorPlane319 12h ago
I don’t think the man is being manipulated
Bringing someone else in bed room is not for the faint of heart and a lot of times it ruins the relationship from one end.
1
1
u/Valuable-Concept9660 11h ago
NTA but I’m surprised you didn’t see it going like this lmao. In what universe does anyone tell their partner they had a dream about a threesome with their best friend expecting that to go over well if they aren’t already poly/open?
And then to take steps to make that a reality. Lol. Personally I would have just broken up with you, rather than try to get more information.
1
1
u/GoshenGal 11h ago
Well I would “never” marry someone who thought a threesome was ok. Two on one is the “one” getting used
Don’t you have something better to do with your life & time? Sex is ( IMHO) about love, caring, bonding
1
1
u/readit487 11h ago
So he asked if you wanted a threesome with his friend, reassured you that he would be cool with them said nvm? Or did you bring up the friend? One of you introduced the topic. We need that for context
1
1
u/Walas92 11h ago
Apres lecture, j'ai l'impression que ton copain n'a jamais voulu faire cela à 3 ou sinon tu as échangés des détails qui l'on peut être blessé ? est ce que tu pourrai détailler davantage ton deal à 3 car il doit y avoir quelque chose en lien avec cela. Est ce vous partagiez le même fantasme de le faire à 3 ? peut être que lui c'est plutôt avec une 2 eme fille et toi avec un 2 ème garçon ? le fait de lui proposer le 2 ème garçon, cela l'a fait réfléchir davantage ? sinon si vraiment il est chaud, pourquoi il ne proposerait pas une fille et toi un garçon ? ok cela ferait un plan à 4 et non plus à 3 mais bon, il faut bien que les 2 soient satisfaits dans cette histoire ? Qu'est ce qui te fait fantasme autant de le faire à 3 ? ton mec ne te suffit plus ? cela se passe bien dans l'intimité entre vous ou c'est réellement le désir de découvrir de nouvelles choses ? mais clairement pour se lancer là dedans, il faut avoir une personne qui a déjà experimenté cela et qu'il a aimé cela.
1
u/_contrapasso 11h ago
Do you want the relationship or not? Are you attracted to him or not? Honestly it sounds like you’d be doing the guy a favor by leaving, he’d probably do better without you.
1
u/DanestDane 10h ago
NTA, I dont think someone can ever be an asshole for no longer be attracted to their partner.
It's valid, how will you handle this from now?
1
u/Ya_boi_cringeface 10h ago
True that’s what’s important, what we need is how OP handles this going forward. How they decides to go about communicating things with their boyfriend is what determines whether they’re an asshole or not. Rn it’s just feelings, and feelings are valid regardless, actions determine whether or not you’re an ass.
1
u/Choice-Curve3340 10h ago
Oof. He’s going to dump you soon. You failed an important test. Sometimes Reddit makes me really glad this isn’t my life lol
1
u/Randointernetuser600 10h ago
I think your BF was shrewd to get you to reveal your true feelings, which you probably would not have revealed otherwise. Now you are feeling bad about your secret desires which have been laid bare.
No one is wrong or right in this scenario. You are upset because you feel like you potentially damaged your relationship by revealing information you may have otherwise concealed. But the alternative is that you would have shut down had he expressed his true feelings at that moment, and he wanted to know the truth.
I hope you two can get past all this now that all the cards are on the table. Lots of people have sexual fantasies that are difficult for their partners to accept.
1
u/Invictus_Inferno 10h ago
The moment you said you were up for a threesome with his friend you became temporary. He's lost attraction too, believe me.
1
u/TheDinoSir2012 10h ago
Info: Who originally brought up the threesome?
If op did, Then I'd say nah. If she brought it up I could easily see him thinking with the lower half during the conversation only to sleep on it and change his mind.
If he originally brought it up, then yes this seems like manipulation to see if you'd want to sleep with someone else. So I'd say op isn't the asshole. This is boyfriend playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes.
1
u/TheNoSimpPimp 10h ago
YATAH!!!!
notice how it’s not specified that she’s the one repeatedly bringing up this topic? she’s the one who had the dream about fucking his best friend, she’s the one repeatedly “talking” about it.
if my girl told me about that dream i’d brush it off, but the act of repeatedly bringing it up is trying to work him down enough to agree. so i’d bet on you ALSO being manipulative, even beyond the methods he used. he didn’t pick a great method but i’d also wanna make sure my girl isn’t waiting for a chance to pounce on my best friend…. WHICH YOU ARE, so i understand his concerns and need to check your feelings
your loss of feelings are also pretty shallow when you don’t seem to be recognizing you aren’t innocent either, you have the right to your feelings but so does he
1
1
u/Shootin_tootin 10h ago
It could just be that he genuinely thought about it alone and decided he wasn't comfortable with it. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the hypothetical conversations and am willing to put my mindset deep into whatever it may be at the time and once the conversation is over and I'm all alone, I completely change my mind. That's why it's important to have several conversations about big decisions.
1
u/Ok-Lavishness-7904 10h ago
He played that very badly. He wanted your opinion, then pouted about it. I hope everything is still salvageable
1
1
u/CyberpunkBlackstone 9h ago
Sounds manipulative but it could be that he thought it through further and decided he didn't like the idea. There is a very real possibility that it is a jealousy issue as well.
1
u/Ok_Extension_3709 9h ago
I don’t think manipulating is the right word. What if he just needed more time to process and having your input is also an influence he wanted to weigh. I know Reddit loves to make it seem like everyone has their thoughts planned out well ahead of time but many people don’t. Many are just winging it lmao
1
u/Donovan1232 9h ago
when did you have this dream? im no expert but i feel like you’d need a pretty significant amount of time to decide if you’re really about to have a devils threeway with your girlfriend and best friend. he probably just came to his senses
1
1
1
u/padfoot211 9h ago
I guess try talking to him about it. Tell him you feel manipulated because of how he handled it. It would bother me too, but maybe he needed time to process and didn’t communicate very well. At the end of the day if you can’t repair the trust the relationship is over. So I’d recommend trying to see if that repair is possible right away.
1
u/DarkWoodTwo 9h ago
Ytah. The moment you told him you wanted to sleep with hus friend, your relationship ended and ge saw you as a hoe. "Asked repeatedly because it was someone he knows".
He let you reveal yourself. Quite frankly if you want to go out and be loose, be single.
1
u/Ashamed-Parsley3811 8h ago
He’s allowed to change his mind though? He’s allowed to want to do it right up until he’s doing it and even then he can stop. Whether you’re attracted to him or not is one thing but he did nothing wrong
1
u/defnothereforporn 8h ago
I mean who brought up the idea of opening it up first? Also either way, it is something you guys should discuss before even dating so the surprise isn’t there once you guys are committed. I would not ask a monogamous partner this unless they’ve previously mentioned being open or thinking of it. But for him to say he’s cool with it multiple times is weird, even if he wanted to see your thought process he could’ve just been honest and asked YOU questions.
1
u/Championship682 8h ago
Everything you said about this is true. But if you hadn't agreed to play the stupid game, you wouldn't have won the stupid prize.
1
u/All_4_Me53 8h ago
Maybe it’s not the attraction that’s lost but the trust. Give it time and it’ll turn around. Based on your dream he probably thought about it. Then broached it. Then realized he doesn’t actually want to share. Better for him to figure it out now than to ruin 3 people down the line.
1
u/Exotic_Jicama1984 8h ago
Of course you're not attracted to him anymore.
You want to fuck his friend.
Shit doesn't get anymore simple.
1
u/AnythingEastern3964 8h ago
Hope the guy makes the right choice and leaves you. Update here if he does please 🙏
1
u/BobbyBaal 8h ago
Are you the AH, that's strong, but I think your reaction is not the best.
You're asking a lot of him--"share" intimacy of his partner with someone else, with his friend, and I'm guessing he's not bi so that's a strange situation for him. (Not strange for everyone, but i think most people.)
He may have been fine in theory, but got cold feet when it became real. People do that with new and/or intimidating situations all the time. Maybe he realized he couldn't go through with it, maybe he was trying please you in the moment. He didn't betray you, he doesn't feel comfortable, move on. But you're turning it into a whole thing like you're not "safe" with him. He's not safe with you. He didn't feel comfortable with it after some reflection. Yet you're punishing him by saying he's not safe and you're not attracted to him.
What's next? You pull away because he said no. What's in his mind now? "She wanted a threesome with my friend. When I said no, she's uninterested in me. She just wanted to have sex with my friend."
There's nothing wrong with what you're interested in, but most people aren't ok with bringing someone into their bedroom. Especially if both partners aren't sexually attracted to the third. If this was a request asked of me, big nope. If I asked this of my partner, same thing. Just out of curiosity, what is your response of he asked to bring in one of your female friends?
1
u/sunflowerhush 1h ago
The problem wasn't that he said no. I have been clear that if one of us doesnot want it it is not happening and i dont wana do it anyway if he doesn't. It was about that he went along for me to tell more and pretended to be fine with it when he was not.
1
1
u/New_Economy_7181 7h ago
Yea. The guy always gets blamed. If he wanted to do it he’d be a jerk but now she “feels” different. Aye carumba…
1
u/SapphireEyesOf94 7h ago
To me it sounds like he said he was okay with it, just to get you to tell him everything you wanted and thought about. He was never actually okay with it.
You'll know this is the case if/when he uses "Tou have unfaithful fantasies about other people and you want to cheat on me!" as a weapon during the next argument.
1
1
u/01000110010101012 7h ago
What does the “​” mean at the beginning? The title is misleading. It wasn’t about opening up your relationship. There is a difference between that and having a threesome. I’m calling bullshit on this post. One of the first rules of a threesome (and open relationships) is that both people feel comfortable with it. You feel manipulated? Come on.. get over yourself. He doesn’t feel comfortable sharing you with someone else.
1
u/Successful_Lab_5539 6h ago
Folks seem to be glossing over this and it is the most important detail:
“He told me that he wanted to see where I stood on the subject first.”
He’s absolutely entitled to not want a threesome. He’s absolutely entitled to change his mind. He’s absolutely entitled to take time to think about it if he’s not sure in the moment.
He didn’t do any of those things.
OP, please don’t minimize or dismiss what you rightfully identified as manipulation. This is massive, waving red flag and it is indicative of how he handles decision making and disclosures.
1
u/Swiftlandin 6h ago
I know you said “we discussed the threesome” but can you clarify whose idea it was?
1
u/Heavy-Expression-450 5h ago
We don't fuck our partner's friends. It's manipulation on paper. Testing water is standard. I'd pack.
1
1
u/Adventurous-Day633 5h ago
At the end of the day you can feel like this and I can also read his brain and he is thinking the girl I wanted to marry wants to have sex with other men and close friends of mine. Feel your feelings but if you guys want to save this relationship there is going to have to be a lot of conversations on this subject going forward, your feeling of betrayal in the conversation will likely be an easier bridge to heal than the repercussions of your admissions on his mental health which he kinda foolishly brought on himself. It’s gonna be really hard to repair and grow stronger out of this. Not lost but hard.
1
u/LiL6NoVA 4h ago
Once again Reddit agreeing with the female lol she out here dreaming of smashing her boyfriends guy then really wanting to go through with it lol she’s in every way wrong and guess what after they separate because they will she still gonna smash his friend lol ya are some dweebs on here
1
u/loadeddiaper6 4h ago edited 4h ago
Yes. YTA. Why is your right mind would you bring up wanting to do something with his friend. You can use therapy speech all you want, it does not change the fact that your conduct can really cause complex trauma in someone. I don’t believe you love this person. You sound selfish. I hope he finds better.
Any person who has dealt with a manipulator will see how you’re framing this situation. “We discussed the possibility of a threesome with his best friend.” “He said no.” “I’m not mad he said no, I’m mad about the way the conversation went.”
I’m sure he’s mad about how the conversation went as well, and he’s far more disappointed by it.
1
u/Jeff1142 4h ago
A mí no me engañas, si esa relación se arregla será algo pasajero y más tarde que nunca igual lo vas a engañar ya sea estando coherente o en estado etílico pero igual lo vas a engañar. No tengo pruebas pero tampoco dudas 😀
1
1
u/lestattomylouis 3h ago
if you feel manipulated i’m sure he feels much worse having his partner say she wants to fuck his best friend.
1
u/No_Grab_188 3h ago
I’ve floated the idea before fulfilling girls fantasies but definitely not chicks I want to marry LMAO
1
u/CrowLong5955 3h ago
Not an asshole… but no longer in the relationship. It’s over. He lied, you’d like to F his friend, he would have done the threesome with a girl he’d then ditch but he wants to marry you so he respects you by getting you to dish your full kink fantasy and then telling you he didn’t mean it… it’s all a bit cringe isn’t it?
1
u/gemini_scorpio18 3h ago
Can’t help what you feel. But honestly you seem upset more that you aren’t getting what you want
1
u/Crazy_Specialist8701 3h ago
This was a terrible idea to being with. Play with fire, you get burnt. Play with water you get wet...
1
u/ReasonableAnt5617 3h ago
Depends on who initiated the discussion. Whoever initiated would tend to be the manipulator.
1
u/Cre4mPie777 3h ago
I feel like its more than reasonable to try and see where your partner truly stands on a situation. Obviously if he shared his true opinion straight away, you might not have shared yours in full detail and as openly as you did and he wouldnt have gotten the full picture which could have let to insecurity and doubt. I also agree with alot of the comments saying that after having time to think ab it his mind changed. Me personally if my partner suggested a threesom with my friend id be livid and break up with him. So obviously theres alot context missing for whos idea it was etc
1
u/sunflowerhush 1h ago
I have shared as much detail as i could in the comments and wea also talked and we will be fine afterall.
1
u/Cre4mPie777 1h ago
Theres no use in sharing them in the comments. It takes quite a while to scroll through them and read whats worth reading. Better off putting all the info in the post
1
u/sunflowerhush 56m ago
Oh i did not know that i am new here. So what happened was he said on text that i am going then but i did not wana let him go we were having a fun light spice convo so i type back would u rather talk threesome or do that he said obviously this..and it went from there. That being said this wasn't the first time we talked about a threesome it was the first when we talked details like when how who etc.
1
u/AdamGreyskul75 2h ago
I'm going to answer this on the assumption that you're being straight with us on the scenario... although, you don't mention who brought up the threesome nor who suggested his friend.
He lied about his feelings to test you. Which is wrong. It's just as wrong as when women do it. You can't have a relationship with someone who uses dishonesty to 'test' you.
If you aren't being straight with us, you already know you're in the wrong and no amount of people hearing the half truth on the internet will make you in the right.
1
u/sunflowerhush 1h ago
We talked about it he clarified he didn't fo it as a manupulative tactic he just wasn't sure about it to begin with.
1
u/One_Run_6123 2h ago
Yeah I get it - you were being vulnerable and honest and he was sitting there being disingenuous. I’d be replaying past conversations we’d had
on significant conversations/ events and questioning my understanding of those events. You didn’t do anything wrong. You communicated in good faith. Idk if your bf is a people pleaser or manipulator but he needs to work on that. Your feelings are completely valid. I wish you the best.
1
u/Objective-Repair5421 1h ago
Now why tf would you want to have a threesome when you already have a partner, poor guy was probably just agreeing with you so that he wouldn’t lose you. He deserves better 💀
1
u/TheDoss___ 10m ago
I think he needs to leave you mate. What woman with any self respect or love for their partner would want to have sex with one of their mates?! Whore playing the housewife mate.
1
u/Mysterious-Extent448 17h ago
Sounds like you fucked or maybe did a great thing so you all can part ways.
IDK!
2
u/sunflowerhush 17h ago
I dont wnaa part ways though.
7
u/Mysterious-Extent448 17h ago
It seems like you are incompatible.
You guys decision but doesn’t seem like this is working out so far.
1
1
u/RedRisingNerd 16h ago
It’s very difficult to leave, and very difficult to start over, but if you honestly don’t see yourself getting over this breach of trust, you should move on. Don’t stay in an okay relationship when you can be in an amazing one. It sounds like you have no other problems this far, so it might seem like the perfect relationship right now. It really just depends on how it goes from here.
Give it some time and see if things get better or worse/your feeling right now doesn’t go away. If the feeling doesn’t go away, it could lead to further damage. If the feeling persists, don’t stay in the relationship to watch it break down further. Don’t force yourself to feel better about the relationship, but also listen to yourself to see if it does get better. Trust yourself more than anything else here.
2
1
u/phantomexit 8h ago
i cant believe what im reading. YTA. if your boyfriend has any self-respect, he’d leave
1
u/Typical-Medium-756 3h ago
So he found out that you want to bang one of his friends?? 😂😂😂
Anyway you feel manipulated meanwhile he felt bad that his gf wants to bang his friend.
You both are toxic. Either break up with him so you can finally bang his friend or wait for him to break up with you.
1
18
u/LadyWolf666Wilson 9h ago
Maybe it took him some time to actually think about it on his own and he released he wasn't as comfortable doing it as he had originally stated