id been seeing this guy on hinge for about 2.5 months. things were going well- he was planing dates, getting me flowers, texting everyday. i told him a few weeks ago about my vaginismus and he was understanding. i went over to his place for the first time and we hung out, ate dinner, and eventually went to bed. I asked if we could make out(not thinking it would necessarily lead to sex). I had a boundary about wanting to be exclusive first and he knew about it. To make a long story short the sex isn’t great. He’s pretty aggressive when i’m going down on him- pushing my head down and locking his legs behind my head. He spends 1/4 of the time touching me compared to the time i spend giving him a blowjob. We attempt penetration but it’s just too painful- i wasn’t nearly turned on or wet enough. We kind of give up and i feel really embarrassed and apologize. Afterward we’re lying in bed and he say he only has “platonic” feelings for me. He says he “understands what i’m going through but doesn’t feel a spark”. i lie in silence cause i don’t know what to say. i eventually get dressed in his bathroom and rush out to the living room where i start crying while packing up my stuff. He’s saying he’s “really sorry” over and over but i can’t even respond to him because im upset. i’ve never cried in front of a guy before. He ends up paying for my uber home. I really liked him and even restarted PFPT because i thought we might have a future. Idk that i’ve ever felt more humiliated in my life. I really struggle with dating and the whole experience last night left me feeling rejected, empty, embarrassed, and sad. I’m 26 and have never had a boyfriend/ or anything close for that matter. Just wanted to vent. Sometimes giving up on finding a relationship just seems easier.

I feel ashamed for waiting 20 years to even ask an obgyn for help but I don't know at what point I was supposed to suspect a medical problem instead of a personal failing. The standard advice is "just relax" "you're not lubricating enough, use more lube" "you're not aroused enough, do more foreplay" but if none of that solves the problem how was I supposed to know at what point I was doing enough? I've been led to believe all my life that I couldn't have sex because I needed to achieve perfect trancendental oneness with the universe, purge all traces of stress from my body, achieve a perfect maximal state of arousal, and become a human slip'n'slide. When all the people saying this are thinking is "don't try to have sex when you're actively stressing out about work, kids, etc. Take five minutes and calm down first". How was I supposed to know that I wasn't doing everything wrong and it wasn't just a personal failure on my part to do something everyone else on the planet can do casually without becoming a zen master first?

I got married at 23, and I have vaginismus. My husband was initially patient and understanding, and I spent so much time trying to find a solution. But over time, our marriage became unhealthy...He started hitting me, insulting me, disrespecting me, and even stealing from me.

I'm now considering leaving, but I'm emotionally exhausted. I've stopped caring about treatment and having children because everything feels overwhelming.

My biggest fear is starting over with someone new and experiencing the same struggles all over again. What if he doesn't understand my condition? What if I have to go through the same pain and anxiety again?

I'm only 25, and I don't know what my future holds.

Has anyone with vaginismus gone through something similar? Were you able to find a partner who truly understood you? 💔

About a year or so ago I attempted Pelvic Floor Therapy. My gynecologist at the time recommended me to a PT center. When I got there, the therapist seemed confused about vaginismus and said she wasn’t familiar and without a proper examination with a speculum they couldn’t treat this. This didn’t make sense to me because part of my reasoning for going is so that I can get an exam. They ended up just giving me regular exercises because she didn’t know how to treat this even though she apparently had pelvic floor therapy experience. They also wanted me to do all the exercises (no dilating) out in the open with others which I found was weird. I didn’t go back because it was clear they weren’t going to help.

I finally found another pelvic floor therapist that both my insurance takes and does weekend appointments. This one emphasized to me that I would be losing my virginity in this process and if I was really ready/ sure about doing that. It seemed that she considered getting an exam to be losing your virginity (??). She then insisted that she could do an exam with no issue and I kept saying no because it would just hurt and tear. She finally gave that up and then it became messy. She started with some exercises, then left the room. I then had random other assistants walk in and continue but they weren’t coordinated so they didn’t even know what exercises I had done yet or when/if I was in an exercise. Sometime random doctors would walk in the single room and grab stuff from a table it was so unorganized. Then at the end they asked me if I memorized everything and I said no because I expected a plan laid out for me (am I crazy for this?). They said they would email the homework and never did. I have called back about 6 times and they keep saying they will send it but they keep not sending it and honestly I don’t think they even know what exercises they gave me. I think I am giving up

28/F, been a virgin all my life. I got married to the love of my life 9 months back. We decided to save the deed for after marriage. I always had a feeling at the back of my head that sex might be painful for the first time, as I’ve never inserted/attempt to insert anything in my vagina. It felt almost sealed shut, as if there was no opening at all. Any minor manipulation whatsoever, caused pain and discomfort. 😿

When the day finally came, the pain made me involuntarily tighten my thigh muscles and made me automatically push him away. This happened each and every time. If he tried to penetrate even the tip, intense burning pain was all I felt. Me being a doctor (not an obgyn though), I diagnosed myself to have vaginismus and tried using dilators. The pain was still so bad and the thought of me using my dilators was giving me the jitters. I dilly-dallied a lot with my dilators, only using them once a week, and was showing very little progress. I would switch to the bigger size only after a month. My husband was supportive, encouraging me to use the dilators and waiting for me to improve. After 7-8 months, I was still in size 3 out of 6 of the dilators. We eventually started having so many fights and disagreements and it all finally boiled down to this. It worsened so much that I was relieved whenever I got the night shift at the hospital, so I don’t have to go through the entire ordeal of going up until the point of penetration and being unable to go through with it which leads to my husband completely shutting off from me. The guilt was enormous. It felt like I was unable to do the most basic thing, which all women do with so much ease. The feeling of inadequacy followed me from my bedroom to my workplace as well.
I even consulted an obgyn, an experienced one. She suggested I use numbing jelly during intercourse, which actually helped.
I started dilating daily started moving up dilator sizes pretty quick.
After 9 months of suffering, we finally did it!
It was painful and uncomfortable at first then got better eventually. Foreplay and lubrication plays an important role. I was almost in tears. It showed me how important sex is for a healthy relationship.
I wanted to share what exactly helped me, as I know how devastating it feels to live with vaginismus 😔

1. I didn’t really do pelvic floor exercises regularly although I heard it really helps. I just practiced relaxing my pelvic floor muscles prior to dilatation/ penetration. Taking a deep breath in and when breathing out, simultaneously relaxing my vaginal wall muscles, around 10-15 times.
2. Using dilators daily or on alternate days (based on soreness in the vaginal area). The catch here is to use numbing cream (topical lignocaine jelly) first in and around the vagina, let it sit for a while and give it time to act. Then apply it over the dilators as well and go for it! (Make sure you are not allergic to lignocaine‼️)
3. You don’t have to achieve penetration with dilators daily. The key is to make your vagina trust the dilators and not think of it as a danger. Linger around on the outside for a few minutes, make yourself comfortable, proper positioning is imperative.

There is light at the end of the tunnel!
This too shall pass 💪🏼

Pls Consult a doctor for professional advice. This is just how I overcame my issues and might not help everyone.

For me, whenever I see my vagina, it just looks like an open wound or a stoma. It disgusts me. I hate the colour, showing the inside flesh that goes inside your body. I find it horrifying. I always couldn’t stand it. Looking at my own genitals makes me lightheaded and scared, and if I think about penetration it makes me have painful physical sensations.

I hate it so much, and I don’t know what to do. I was never told things about vaginas being bad or unclean, I was only touched inappropriately by a doctor as a kid, I don’t want to go into further details.

I just need to know how to cope with this… on top of it I have a chronic UTI which makes this traumatic feeling even worse. I need to do a vaginal swab and I am terrified and don’t think I am capable.

So what helped me was dilation and pelvic floor exercises and I was able to have penetration today. Yay for that! Tho there's a tiny bit of pain still left but I can handle that but I was not able to achieve any pleasure from it. The lack of pleasure made the act boring for me. Is this thing normal or not I wanna know.

i cannot have penetrative sex and my boyfriend knows this and is extremely respectful — i love him; he’s kind, he doesn’t pressure me at all and honestly seems to do the opposite. he seems to have more boundaries relating to my vaginismus than i do; it frustrates me.

our sex life is heavily focused on clitoral stimulation since penetrating is not an option. i still like feeling very close to my partner and like i am having sex so i heavily prefer thigh jobs to oral; my partner is okay with this. we also sometimes “try for a baby” where he lines up with my opening and jerks off to cum as close as he can to inside of me (this is something i enjoy the idea of so we make it work as best as we can p.s. i’m on birth control).

my problem is that we have only done thigh jobs in a spooning or doggy position. it’s become extremely frustrating and upsetting to me as i want to do missionary — i want to see his face, kiss him, etc.

he is uncomfortable with the idea of doing missionary. he thinks the position is more easily prone to accidental penetration. i find this annoying as i know my body and i know that i have never been capable of or achieved penetration. i find the idea that he could accidentally slip in to be a told misunderstanding of my body and that IF HE DID ACCIDENTALLY slip in that it would feel more like a success to me?! i have never been able to have purposeful penetration, let alone accidental.

he is concerned that do not care enough about my body when i am horny. i understand where he is coming from because i have tried penetration with others and i passed out from the attempt while still being unsuccessful — and these attempts were more forceful, came from more of a place of insecurity as opposed to being so aroused that i felt a desperate need to feel my partner inside of me. i also understand why he would be so concerned for my safety while doing thigh jobs with the information that i have passed out from penetration attempts, but again, these penetration attempts were rather forceful; they were not thigh jobs. they were attempts at penetration; the goal was penetration.

i do sometimes feel a desperate need for him to be inside of me but i have not tried to put him inside of me. however, he thinks that has been my intention before. i have told him to come closer while he was already lined up for “trying for a baby,” he says my asking him to come closer was me trying to achieve penetration as he could not get closer without that happening. i just felt like he was too far away but i can understand why he did not comply with my request if that was his perspective of the situation. another time, after “trying for a baby,” i moved him around between my labia — he thought it was an overwhelming desire to put it in; i was just trying to play with his cum. i can understand his fear of me having a desire for him to be inside of me, and me potentially trying that although i know i am not ready but i feel like he is placing a virginity idea onto it that impacts him even more. i have never been successful in penetration — he would not be taking my virginity even if i did give into the desire. i would need to be taken care of and feel stupid for trying and he would probably feel bad that he let me try so i get him not wanting to try.

my biggest issue is that he is uncomfortable with missionary because he is worried of an accident which i think it quite ridiculous — as if i am waiting for marriage and i could accidentally ruin that from a slip up, when in reality, my body will not allow for a slip up. my body will not allow force, let alone accident and i think if my body DID allow slip up, i would take it as an accomplishment. it would feel like a success to know i could achieve penetration by being so relaxed with a partner that it happens on ACCIDENT WITHOUT TRYING. it would make me feel so much better about previous attempts, that they didn’t work because i wasn’t comfortable, that i am getting somewhere, that my body can trust me (and my partner) more than it ever could before.

he is also worried because he is bigger than any other attempted penetration, that even if on accident, it would hurt. i understand. forceful also hurt… and didn’t make it in. i don’t know. i appreciate how respectful and caring he is but sometimes it feels like i am being treated like i am this stupid fragile little thing that doesn’t understand her body well enough or know what she can handle.

Something really strange happened last night when I tried inserting the largest dilator in my set. For context, I’ve been dealing with vaginimus for going on 10 years but through intense therapy and the use of intimate rose dilators I am now able to insert a finger without pain, and I can use the second largest dilator in my medium-sized set without much discomfort. Last night I tried to, for the first time, insert the largest dilator in my set. It was definitely uncomfortable, borderline painful, but not unbearable. What happened next was very unexpected. I got the dilator halfway in and I started experiencing cold sweats and nausea. I literally vomited. I have no clue why. It was like my body went into shock. I’m kinda concerned and wanted to see if anyone experienced anything similar. I have no pain or sickness after the experience, and I’ve recovered fine. Just don’t understand why this happened.

Have dilators actually helped anyone? I want to be able to wear a tampon but it’s impossible. Anyone who was like this and now can?

I’ve seen lot of posts here about people planning to/ or having had hymenectomy done . I understand it’s supposed to increase the size of the opening right ? In that case what is the normal size of the opening in relaxed state ? Google tells me it’s about 1.5 cm wide but I guess it varies , so I don’t know if that’s case for everyone who can have PIV normally . I can insert upto two fingers in aroused state but that’s about it and never been able to PIV .

I (30f) have been seeing a new guy (33m) and explained to him that I’ve been dealing with vaginismus, which makes penetrative sex really painful. I told him I wanted to take things slowly and we can do other things, but it could take weeks or months of physical therapy for me to “recover”. He said he understood and respected it. The problem is he has still convinced me to try penetrative sex (which I was willing to explore and trust him with) and it was still extremely painful since I felt pressured to perform. I told him to stop and he did. However, I find myself allowing other sexual acts now out of guilt to compensate for my physical limitations atm. in the moment im okay with it, but for the past couple of days it’s made me feel very used and degraded. I don’t know what to do or how else to have a clear and firm conversation with him about my boundaries and how I’m feeling. We’ve had some other issues as well with boundaries which seemed to be a cultural misunderstanding but Im beginning to think that this relationship isnt very healthy/safe anymore. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but this relationship is taking more from me than it’s giving.

Its not a mental thing, my vaginal opening is actually smaller than usual. I got a hymenectomy, still dilating is not an easy task. At least the opening is big enough to insert something…before the surgery not even a q-tip could go in. But even using the smallest dilator makes me sore. what am i supposed to do? get another surgery??

Over time I've noticed I'm able to wash/lightly touch down there without feeling my whole body tensing up and holding my breath. I also am able to comfortably attempt penetration with my finger without feeling like I'm walking on a tightrope.

It's not a super big progress story like I hear from others, but for me this is a big jump from where I started. I've learned a lot from this subreddit and I'm grateful to have discovered support and knowledge. I really do see a light at the end of this tunnel.

I keep noticing the tightness and pain, and when I try to relax or release my muscles, they seem to tighten involuntarily instead. It feels like everything is squeezed shut, and I can't stop thinking about it.

has anyone else experienced this kind of hyperawareness after being diagnosed? i feel like i got really triggered when i saw a picture of a normal vagina and a vaginismus one. what gentle exercises or techniques helped you relax your pelvic floor and stop focusing on it so much? i'd really appreciate any advice or reassurance😥❤️

Never thought I’d get here - just some things that helped me in case they help anyone else. I have vaginismus from SA and religious trauma for context. First time posting so hope my post is okay.

Glass dildos were a game changer for me. I hated the silicone / latex/ plastic dilators. They created too much friction. Glass dildos are more expensive and I had to hunt for enough sizes for a while, but inserting is SO much easier for me with glass. It just slips instead of grips.

Experimenting with positions was WAY more important than I thought. I read here some girlies preferred doggy while others preferred missionary etc. doggy was a winner for me. Sometimes it’s the small things, like arching your back more, or spreading your knees less, or having your hips higher etc to get the angle correct. I think doggy also helps me physiologically because i can feel more pressure with face to face positions. If I lost the angle I’d ask my bf to wait until I repositioned and we’d continue once it wasn’t sore. I found starting at doggy helped me to do other positions afterwards too!

You need way more lube than you think. Way more. If you’re changing positions? Reapply. If you start to feel tight or sore? Reapply. I also found thin condoms helped with creating less friction for me. I think condoms don’t absorb the lube the way skin does.

I also found reading spicy stories has helped me a lot. I’m still a bit cringed out to say, but it helps me to keep in touch with my sexual self. It’s easy for me to get avoidant or defeated, especially with PIV. It isn’t like I think of the stories when I’m with a my bf, it just keeps my arousal at a higher baseline rather than letting it completely die off. I’m more receptive to him and find it easier to have PIV. Also, spicy stories helped me to reclaim part of myself after nearly 3 decades of religious shame and purity culture. It’s important to have things that are just for you, even in the context of a relationship (within reason obvi).

Hope this post was okay !

I'm really having trouble with the concept that all the physical therapy is about learning to relax and breathe and stretch out the muscles with a dilator but what does that have to do with stopping my pelvic floor from clamping down if I attempt PIV? Is there any way to tell I'm making any progress at all other than attempting something scary and painful? What if I get to the largest dilator and it feels perfectly fine and no problem at all but I still have the exact same reaction to PIV that I always have? What do I do then? What if it's just completely hopeless?

Edit: automatically removed by reddit again. No clue what I did wrong again. I've tried asking the mods but never get any response.

hi all, I’m 18 years old, and I think I may have vaginismus. I use pads due to heavy flows, but when I’ve tried to insert a tampon I cannot, it’s far too painful. I can’t even insert a finger or anything else, I’ve tried a cotton bud/q tip, it goes halfway but still not pain free. Ive not been in a relationship or had sex, and I wonder if I got to the point of having penetrative sex if my body would respond differently to it than to an inanimate object trying to be inserted when I’m not stimulated, but I’m scared to hook up or get into a relationship in case it hurts or I have to to tell someone we can’t (silly I know consent can be revoked at any time). i have read that for some women they can’t insert anything other than during sex . as I mentioned my periods are heavy so I considered an iud , and I can’t even continue looking into it due to the thought of the speculum. as i said I wonder if it is just a stress response when I try to insert objects eg a finger, to test if I can do it, (as when I’m getting off I don’t insert stuff I do it externally, so when I’m inserting anything it’s always to see if it’s still painful and my body knows to expect pain and maybe tenses up? .)

anyways, I wondered if anyone here had any advice or anything on what to do if it sounds as if I do have vaginismus? Thanks !

Hey there. Is there any woman who has overcome vaginismus for some time now(not like had one successful PIV but more and consider herself healed), to share experience and i am wondering is the penetration now enjoyable after vaginismus?

I have endometriosis, pcos and perimenopause. Sex has been painful before but now it's unbearable. I have talked to a therapist, my doctor, my gynecologist and my endocrinologist. I am working with them to figure things out. Right now, they all suggest no sex for now because of how much pain I'm in.

Unfortunately, my husband doesn't agree. He used to care but for the past 2 years, things have changed (especially with sex). Now, it doesn't matter if I say I don't want sex that night, he will still do it or he will continue to pressure me until I say "just hurry up and do it since my no means nothing". Then he's happy and does it. We went a long time of me just laying there trying to disassociate from it. But since the summertime, it has gotten so painful that I'm crying during the whole time. It feels like thousands of knives ripping through me. Of course, following my Doctors orders are a no for him.

He told me before that if we're going to have a sexless marriage then I will have to open the marriage so he can have his fun somewhere else - and he won't ever divorce me.

I've asked him how he can continue to have sex until he cums when he knows how much pain I'm in and I'm sobbing. He said men have a biological need to release so it doesn't matter how it happens as long as he releases.

Yesterday was one of the worst. We tried to have sex but I was in so much pain that I was crying hard and I was punching the bed to distract me. The only thing that saved me was that our son kept trying to get into the bedroom which was distracting him too much. I didn't think it could get worse but it did. After the kids were asleep, he said we had to finish what we started. I was still hurting from earlier in the day but that didn't matter. So now I'm hurting even worse today.

I hate sex so much right now; just thinking about it, makes me nauseous.

Has anyone else been in extreme amounts of pain? I'm already seeing doctors, pelvic floor physiotherapy and estrogen cream.

We’ve been married for 3.5 years and have almost never achieved PIV because of my vaginismus. We had other sexual intimacy, including me helping him get off, but he only considered PIV “sex.” He says he “didn’t sign up for a sexless marriage” and also brings up me not giving him oral sex.

He filed for divorce behind my back three months ago. Now he wants to try again, but it feels conditional on me being able to have sex.

I feel broken. I tried hard to be a good wife and supported him through difficult times, but didn’t feel supported by him with this condition.

Has anyone reconciled in a situation like this? Did another try help, or was divorce healthier? I’m also scared of dating with vaginismus and being rejected or going through this again. I’d appreciate honest experiences.

hey friends been feeling very anxious as of late so ofc came to reddit lol.

i (23F) was diagnosed with vaginismus a few years ago after a few traumatic sexual encounters (never actual had real penetration).
since then, romantic relationships have been really difficult for me. i am used to getting cheated on or being rejected because of my celibacy.
I started dating my current boyfriend a year & 1/2 ago, and he has been amazing and was totally fine with the idea of waiting a long time for sex. But it’s gotten to the point where I have become so comfortable with the idea of never do it and facing my trauma. I’ve put off PFT for so long because I have such bad anxiety with it being touched or something inside.
My boyfriend wants kids at some point, but I am so against the idea of anything going in or coming out of there. It makes me tense up, and even gyno appointments are so scary.
He’s encouraging me to go to actual therapy to talk through these complicated feelings. It’s hard to convince myself to want something I have such negative emotions toward. I feel so broken right now, I just wish none of this had ever happened to me and I could feel normal about these normal things, sex, relationship, kids, etc.

I don’t see a lot of people talking about the emotional side of vaginismus. Most people I see on here are really determined to have sex, while I am on the opposite side and have very mixed feelings about it. Wondering if anyone has felt the same as me.

I don’t think I’ve ever been with a man that’s truly cared about my pleasure in the bedroom, granted I’m still only 21 but I truly feel like the guys that have used my clit as a turn table, licked my left lip for 15 minutes straight and blatantly refused to take my very gentle advice as to what feels good for me or try and stick their dick in me without any foreplay has lead me to have issues with having PIV.

The relationship I am in now has been blown up into a huge mess of insecurity and distrust due to his over… OVER usage of porn and even thoughs on cheating on me and him being overall selfish in the bedroom, leading into a dead bedroom at the age of 21 and thinking that I’m the one with the problem.

It’s not that I’m not sexy enough, or willing enough to have sex, but as a woman and still a fucking virgin, sex with me takes WORK, patience and passion but I was never given that, at all.

Dose this make any sense? Or am I just trying to justify my issues? Lmao.