I don’t know if this is the right forum to post this but it does relate to meditation and just existentialism in general.

I was first introduced to Vipassana four years ago and I did my first 10 day Goenka Vipassana Retreat and came back feeling absolutely wonderful and couldn’t wait to feel the same again. I’ve done 3 more retreats since then and on and off have been practicing body scanning/ mindful breathing/ Vipassana but have not felt the same way.

I am not condemning any technique here, meditation has been very useful at times when managing my emotions have been difficult. It hasn’t calmed me down instantly when I’ve felt extremely overwhelmed
But, I definitely have a different approach towards life now , it’s suffering and just observing dukkha objectively and it hasn’t been easy. Picking up Daniel Ingram’s term, I might be in the Dark Night phase.

To cope with this, I have also tried Metta Vipassana/Loving Kindness and I feel this has helped, but the progress is slow.

In between all of this, life has been difficult, relationship problems, my own mentality making it difficult to deal with it.

I constantly feel like if I ceased to exist, it would be the best solution. Meditating my way out of it feels exhaustive and the easiest way to solve the issues I am facing and the sadness I am causing others is just to die. I am not suicidal, I just feel like if I get into a fatal accident, fall sick and die or be at a wrong place wrong time, everything will solve. Death feels comforting.

But then suddenly I find myself wanting to be happy, meditating and planning other retreats, exploring different spiritual paths.
How do I explain this feeling to myself?
I know it’s easy to just accept this as my state of mind but any insights to work this feeling out?

PS I have started taking therapy and not just relying on meditation.

Hello dear friends,

I am searching for a temple or place where I can sit daily to meditate for long hours in silence.

I am quite open and flexible as long as it involves silence and meditation. I have been to multiple Vipassana retreats for 10+ days. I have also practiced third eye and throat meditations that led me to profound experiences, which got me into learning/reading about alchemy and meditating even more. This is the path I am following at the moment.

What I am trying to ask here is if there is a place, temple, or monastery held by a group where I can focus on this inner work while taking advantage of the structure and energy of such a place for this deep inner work. Does a place like this exist?

Any comment or idea is gladly welcomed.

Thank you.

Update: based on Europe and willing to travel everywhere.

30 some minutes into the meditation, bright Nimitta coupled with subtle piti occurred. 45 minutes in, explosive ecstatic piti coupled with sukha washed over me. It wasn't quite stable. The first wave was promptly gone. The second lasted a little longer. Then I decided to call it a session. When it occurred and surprisingly even afterwards, the soreness of my legs and fatigue on the back that already started bugging me before it happened was all gone.

I felt it's a milestone for me. But what is it? Now, I've only learned about Jhana from two sources mainly. One is Leigh Brasington's book and the other Ajahn Brahm's book. If you're familiar, they two provided two different versions of Jhana. Based on Brasington's instruction, what I had qualified for the first Jhana, but if we go by Brahm's definition, not so much. For those of you who have experienced this process, what do you think and how you progressed from here? (Naming is obviously not that important. I'm more interested in hearing your experience). Thanks.

Edit: Still new to this sub, I have to say that I'm a little surprised how little response I received for a topic I thought would be of interest to folks here. 2.1K views and only 2 responses? Hmmm Why?

Hello, first I will say I have adhd and don't want to use it as an exusce as that only harms my progress bur i think it may provide context to diagnose the issue

So my current path so far has been inconsistent

I have been meditating for a bit over 2 years now but was very inconsistent at first. In the past 2 months I've taken it more seriously. Meditating anywhere from 30m to 2h a day, I've fortunately seen very fast progress. I no longer easily react to anger , stress is like 20% of what i used to feel, I seem to be able to feel strong yet very short moments of non duality where the "I" suddenly seems like an illusion. It lasts 2 seconds exactly never lasts long, however these moments increase in frequency and sometimes now happen in daily life without meditating and I feel like they changed my default prespective now. I noticed this the most when i noticed insults from my friends or family that used to hurt me now seem meaningless

initially i was so happy at how much i felt like i was doing some form of progress then I started being stuck and maybe even regressing a little bit

Restlessness is the main thing that prevents me from being able to focus. All my practices involve scanning the body or walking meditation. I do breath meditation for only 10minutes because I cannot do it

I even physically notice it when body scanning when going down to my pelvic floor and feet i feel this very intense almost electric sensasion and if i mentally focus on it hard it causes me to clench my pelvic floor.

Also my lower stomach is very hard to detect it takes me 10 minutes of being in my body to finally have a clear sensation of it.

Thanks for reading please share if you have any idea what causes this

I have read different metaphors and instructions for self inquiry and I'm confused what the essential part is that I shouldn't mess up. Im also curious how self inquiry is different than other forms of meditation like mindfulness, both can bring you to the present moment, but mindfulness will not bring awakening, which is what I'm after. Here are a few I have heard

These two I have practiced and I'm not sure which is more correct

Ask, try to find, but don't land on anything. Like you're stuck trying to remember something. Almost like you're trying to pull a thought but a cant

Ask, then enter present moment, be receptive to answer, presumably from the universe, and the answer can come from anywhere

But I've also heard along the lines of

Keep asking until you move beyond the words and see the impulse that is asking the question... The word head. Investigate the word head? Huatou

Stay with sense of I am. This one I didn't try, since I'm not sure what that means

We are seeking adult participants who regularly practice meditation and/or have previously used psychedelic substances.

This study aims to investigate how regular meditation practice and/or psychedelic use influences beliefs, cognition, and well-being.

What does the study involve?

The study is conducted entirely online. Participation takes approximately 35 minutes.

You will be asked to:

• Complete questionnaires about your mental health, substance use, experiences, and beliefs.
• Complete two cognitive tasks involving looking at pictures.

What counts as a regular meditation practice in this study?

A regular meditation practice is defined as having practiced formal meditation for at least 20 minutes per session, at least 3 times per week during the past 12 months, OR for a total of at least 52 hours during the past year.

What counts as a psychedelic substance in this study?

LSD, DMT, ayahuasca, psilocybin mushrooms, San Pedro, peyote, mescaline, 5-MeO-DMT, “bufo,” ibogaine and iboga, and analogs of these substances (such as 1P-LSD and 4-AcO-DMT).

Would you like to participate?

Email: [BeliefsCognitionStudy@liu.se](mailto:BeliefsCognitionStudy@liu.se)

You will receive an automatic email containing a link to the participant information sheet and questionnaires.

The email will not contain any information about substance use.

Compensation?

No compensation is provided.

Ethics approval number: 2026-04680-01

Principal investigator: Rebecca Böhme, PhD

Posted with permission of moderators. :)

For starters: I do not claim SE. I do however claim a personality change that seems very close to SE if not SE itself.

As far as I can tell the suttas are not in complete agreement about how exactly the characteristics of a stream enterer manifest. So because of this I’m somewhat agnostic on my position within the map. I also don’t care much where i fit in anyway as it is besides the point to my practice.

My account:

I have been meditating for 16 years. Over time I have become more serious about it and am a daily practitioner at this point. I practiced Goenka vipassana for 12 years, TWIM for 2 years, and anapanasati with soft jhana for the last 2 years. I completed a cumulative 60 days of silent retreat experience during that time.

There were many mini awakenings, insight stages, and mystical experiences along the way as I’m sure one can imagine. I will not recount them all. But I will say that my experience mapped 1:1 with Theravada maps and transcendental dependent origination.

A couple of months ago I completed a ten day retreat. I had been meditating at home about 5 hours a day for about 30 days before this retreat in preparation. At the retreat I reached the end of the third tetrad of the anapansati sutta around day 5. I then began to allow the mind to rest in equanimity as an antidote to the terror stages that can pop up when relaxing conception. This was very helpful and I was finally getting into my noggin that letting go is bliss and that there was nothing left to do and that craving and trying to control everything was upsetting the peace of my citta. This went on for several days as I would cycle between the stilling of the aggregates and a peaceful citta and then disturbances/craving.

Finally, in one moment while doing this I saw an aggregate arise and my mind turn towards it through craving very clearly. The insight naturally arose in me: “these aggregates have nothing to do with me.” I saw the aggregates as foreign, alien, and affliction etc etc. very naturally I saw it and accepted it.

Following this sit an immense confidence arose in me. I no longer felt any worry about reaching nibbana and knew it was but a matter of time for myself. That has stayed. I also noticed an immense wariness of breaking a precept over the coming weeks. I can still break them but when I do it is like burning myself on a hot stove. Burning myself badly. I always say, I should never do that again, and the next time an opportunity to break them comes up I am even more mindful and wary. My sila is not perfect, but it is close to perfect with only fringe slip ups that cause it to become even more perfect. And finally, I know that the aggregates are not self. It is that simple.

I am happier and more peaceful, but it’s not like angels sang and all my problems went away. It’s like a significant but iterative upgrade. I read here once someone describe SE as finding a basket to put all ones gold nuggets they had been finding along the way into. That feels very accurate to my experience. I had already had many related insights to this one, but this insight sort of tied it all together, and seems to have cut through some last thread of ignorance in a significant way.

Now, my meditation is characterized by dispassion. I cycle through the tetrads fairly quickly and then enter a dispassionate state that deepens organically and is very restorative. If I stay in it long enough I enter a neither perception nor non perception state where concept begins to still and sort of pop in and out of existence. If the maps are accurate probably at some point I will have a cessation from that. The fact that I haven’t is another reason I am agnostic about my SE status though I understand cessation is not necessary in all cases. It is funny, because though I have not experienced nibbana yet, I have utter confidence in it and my ability to get there.

Open to questions or comments if they are helpful to people.

I experience persistent sharp, nagging and burning sensations, mainly in my torso.

It feels like my brain amplifies almost everything happening inside my body. The sensations become extremely prominent, as if my nervous system has turned up their volume.

The worst part is that my attention gets involuntarily stuck on these sensations.
For example, when I’m looking at my phone or watching something, I want to focus 100% on the screen. But part of my attention remains automatically locked onto the sensations in my torso.

I can see what’s happening on the screen, but I can’t fully concentrate or become absorbed in it.
It feels like my brain constantly prioritizes internal bodily sensations over whatever I consciously want to focus on.

I cannot simply redirect my attention, even when I desperately want to. It feels like I’ve lost control over my own attention.

I’ve been looking into central sensitization, interoceptive hypervigilance and attentional fixation.
Has anyone experienced this exact problem and recovered? What treatments helped your brain stop focusing on bodily sensations and allowed you to regain normal concentration?

Im probably very wrong, but what is it that takes up a view, perspective, or context?

​For example: You feel the sweetness of a candy and then desire/view of desire arises (presumably because you are not trained enough), and then the view of the noble truths arises saying desire is the cause of suffering. Then, depending on your understanding, you try to implement the path to end desire.

​But then the same person eating the same candy, just in a previous time when they didn't know about the 4 noble truths, felt the pleasantness. Desire arose in them, and then the view arose: "This candy is good, I have worked hard today, I deserve this," etc.... because theyve been told that after hard work theyre allowed to indulge etc...

​I don't know if I am right, but does it mean that

even the noble truths can be forgotten and changed, just like how these perspectives are different and change?

​Is the practice of attaining stream entry to hammer down the teachings and not lose this view?

​Again, I might be misunderstanding this, but in the first sutta I read it says that people have all of these views about the self and the cosmos, and they are legit views gained through meditation, but still wrong.

​But then what makes a view right or wrong?

Is it faith?

Is it based on what you want to gain out of your view?

A question for anyone who thinks they might be knowledgeable/experienced enough to answer:

Why are there four paths and fruits/stages of enlightenment?

Why is four the magic number?

Why not 1 set of path and fruit or 2 or 10 or something else?

Am I just asking stupid questions when I should just meditate instead of asking questions?

Let me know if any of you feel that you have anything meaningful to share about this.

Thanks.

How time flies, already more than 5 weeks have passed since I started this training. Time to wrap it up!

Full Journal here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mCzZq5Ea41BkbGa86UQVa8i9bc67T3AdICFLXozFzNU/edit?usp=sharing

Summary

I am so glad I did this experiment.

This was a wild ride, with many ups and downs. Overall my mediation now has a much broader, firmer foundation as well as a new, expanded toolkit. I have leveled up massively in the Concentration and Piti departments. Being able to feel breath energy in body parts and even connect it through the whole body is really cool and has helped me control and clear my muscle twitches which is just mind blowing on its own.

I am much more relaxed inside meditation and literally don't react anymore if there are bodily issues or irritations like my nose being closed or making sounds, pains and discomfort.

Breathing now becomes subtle very fast, and I am getting accustomed to it disappearing also quite fast. Going from breath energy to Piti is now also a thing, and happens mostly automatically when I breathe right and hit concentration right and dont get excited. Piti is often starting at Okkantikā Pīti already.

When observing the breath I now know which mediation depth I have reached and can traverse through the easier levels by adjusting my breathing intention accordingly.

I am more mindful of my breath throughout the day, observing and adjusting accordingly. This leads me to often frontrun problems and reactions before they grow into such.

I now have a basic understanding of my light Nimitta, but control is not yet achieved. Nevertheless, this alone makes me joyful since its an important part to the next stages.

What to watch out for

You can easily get lost in playing with the breath, since there is much to do and explore. This of course is counterproductive and should be watched out for. A teacher would be of great help in this technique to guide one through the pitfalls.

The training takes dedication, setbacks happen and especially when you have no clue what you did wrong (or not) it feels like poking in the dark and hoping for anything to happen at least. Frequent Repetition is key here to get the necessary experience. And sometimes sheer luck.

The line between intention and control of the breath is fluid and extremely delicate, this also needs proper attention, otherwise concentration doesn't deepen.

What now?

The next steps are clear to me - Mastering Access concentration & Piti and control of my Nimitta. I will do some reading and investigation before deciding on a path for this. In the meantime Ill enjoy the new level of Anapanasati that I reached.

Thank you for your time.

I recall seeing enlightenment/nirvana described as the removal of all mental defilements.

It seems to me these defilements are referring to the same thing as what we call 'trauma'. Suppose then I clear all my traumas. Would I gain enlightenment?

I ask this because recently I have been reading up on the lives of arahants. And a lot of people online are saying arahants lose interest in family, romance and kids.

And I am worried about losing my desire for (or rather, pleasure in) these things. To the point I'd rather pause my inner journey.

Now to be transparent, I do not have a teacher. I have been approaching this from a trauma angle by myself, but I've learnt since that my journey has been very similar to that of meditators. (I only recently found out I'd been unknowingly entering high jhana states). Dark night of the soul, awakenings, trauma; they all seem to be the same thing to me?

My gut and experiences tell me I feel similar to the 'once-returner' awakening stage. And now I fear becoming like a 'non-returner'.

I'd appreciate any input. Thank you for hearing me out.

Entering the stream is like when the plug of sakkayaditthi (self-view) gets removed and the bath of samsara starts whirlpooling down the drain and coming to an end.

The figurative plug of sakkayaditthi is the fetter/tie/stopper which holds together the illusion of the 'bath of samsara' as being something permanent and substantial and enduring.

Once that lynchpin is removed, it's only a matter of time before samsara comes to its natural conclusion and one makes an end of rebirth...

Has anyone else encountered this and how did you solve this?

I don’t usually post here but I’m really struggling with this one and scratching my head.

I suspect there is some sort of mental phenomena or ego defence mechanism occuring in order to stop me from developing my metta practice deeper (for whatever reason that may be) but my view on it is clouded and can’t make any sense of it right now.

Edit: this is becoming a real problem for me because I get absorbed mostly in the second jhana and remain there for some reason. Then I’m walking around like I’ve done a small dose of MDMA for hours, which is what I don’t want.

Edit: [SOLVED] Much needed insight into my issue has been offered in this post and I am truly grateful to have access to such a caring and lovely community, thank you kindly.

I feel this sense of "oldness" and "creepy" and "Tightening" when I become Aware of something in the present moment.

For example, when I am delighting in a thought and realise its craving and must be let go of.

the only thing I found describing a similar thing is this article by Shinzen young

https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_ickysticky.pdf

does anybody else feel this?

will it go away?

I think its another aversion the mind comes up with but I'm not sure.

Really for me, this has been the most life changing part of awakening for me.. directly experiencing no-self during cessation during meditation.. I’m not the ego! See the ego/self as just the body doing body things.. the heart pumps.. the brain thinks. Right mindfulness you see this. You detach and you don’t take the brain seriously. It’s just there doing brain stuff.

Ego gratification brings unwholesome pleasure. Fame and gain, which with it brings something to lose. Suffering. Know that the self is not solid, real thing. It’s as real as a story in a book. It can be very engrossing; addictive, fascinating and thrilling, but ultimately has more in common with a dream during sleep than anything.

With the relequishment of the self, comes effortless Jhana. Your emotions are no longer dictated by your thoughts. Joy and rapture comes easily, without much effort.

Peace

Im not sure if bliss in no mind is strictly a Vedanta tier belief, but I'm curious to what people think the state of no mind is like. Because different traditions describe it differently. Buddhism generally describes it simply as equanimity and Hinduism specifically advaita Vedanta describes it as cosmic bliss. Who is correct and can different people have different experiences in no mind?

When I start off the meditation, I try to adjust body posture to a comfortable and alert position, preparing myself for sitting for a long time. As I get more absorbed, I find myself slowly lose the posture. On the one hand, I'm thinking I'd let the body feel its way and instead of forcing my way on it. Besides, to adjust position in the middle of a deep meditation is interruptive. On the other, I'm concerned that the body's way might be a slothful way, causing fatigue or blockage. What do you think, and what is your practice?

Edit: Sleepiness or drowsiness is not an issue here. If it is, I think it's preferrable to adjust position during the meditation. We're talking about when one is "absorbed" into a deep meditation, and the "doer" is retreating.

If you'll forgive some AI guided content here - I think it did a good job.

I asked Gemini to give me a list of the secondary defilements, literal translation, and synonyms. Since it has "background" knowledge of me it gave me examples from my life that are very real. I'll show the response down below.

My question is actually this though - has anybody been given a teaching for recognizing them? I am thinking perhaps I will focus on one a week. There are so many that it would be hard to try to be aware of them all the time. ("Self knowledge is seldom good news")

Where I feel called out (and my notes)

• Upanāha
  • Literal: To tie up, to bind together.
  • Translation: Enmity / Bearing a grudge.
  • Synonyms/Context: Simmering frustration, resentment, holding onto a slight. This is Kodha (anger) that hasn't been allowed to discharge. It binds to the body, often manifesting as chronic upper chest breathing or stomach knots during a stand-up meeting with a difficult colleague.

NOTES: I carry a lot of this around physically with work and when my wife is frustrated with me (I have ADHD, so that's...frequent)

Interestingly that lately, with lots of practice I'm able to feel the physical feeling but identify with it less. I'm actually "totally stressed out" at work right now, but mentally I'm sorta ok. Interesting how that works.

• Issā
  • Literal: To look at with an evil eye.
  • Translation: Envy / Jealousy.
  • Synonyms/Context: Resenting another's success, status anxiety. A painful sympathetic contraction when a peer gets a promotion or credit you wanted.

NOTES: I get just a tiny bit of this. I work in the sort of place where the people that do the work are usually not mentioned much in conversations compared to the people that do the selling. Functionally speaking I am used to this but it still creeps in now and again. I'm not super ambitious.

• Macchariya
  • Literal: The state of a stingy person.
  • Translation: Avarice / Stinginess.
  • Synonyms/Context: Scarcity mindset, hoarding. In a corporate environment, this often manifests as knowledge-hoarding or gatekeeping to protect one's indispensability.

NOTE: I actually don't indulge in this behavior at work, though I've seen others do it. However I do have a scarcity mindset sometimes when it comes to money. I make good money now, but have debt, and am used to being broke for most of my life. When my wife says "Christmas is coming" I feel a chill!

• Māna
  • Literal: Measuring.
  • Translation: Conceit / Pride.
  • Synonyms/Context: The constant background comparator: "Am I better than, worse than, or equal to them?" It is a highly exhausting, constant calculation running in the background.

NOTE: If this had just stoped at conceit/pride I'd say I have very little of this, but the context version hits hard for me. I work with a lot of insanely smart and education people (lie 60% of the people I work with have PhDs or master's degrees). I'd say "imposter syndrome" fits here.

• Mada
  • Literal: Intoxication.
  • Translation: Vanity / Intoxication (with youth, health, or life).
  • Synonyms/Context: Complacency born of current success or physical capability. Forgetting the fragility of the body or the impermanence of your current standing.

NOTE: Funny thing about defilements is that contradictory ones can co-exist. I get "stingy" because I feel like I'm behind financially with debt, but at the same time I also get very complacent with my current job situation (good pay, work from home) and sometimes with my family.

Anyway, here's the full list:

Note also that my AI likes to talk to me in terms of neurobiology and software engineering.

The Aversion / Friction Family (Rooted in Dosa)

These are variations of sympathetic nervous system arousal—the body interpreting the environment or other people as threats, leading to tension, rigidity, and the need to defend or attack.

• Vyāpāda
  • Literal: To go bad, to spoil.
  • Translation: Ill will / Malevolence.
  • Synonyms/Context: Generalized hostility, wishing someone would fail, a baseline state of aggressive reactivity.
• Kodha
  • Literal: Boiling over.
  • Translation: Anger.
  • Synonyms/Context: Acute rage, the sudden spike of adrenaline when a server crashes or a driver cuts you off. Short-lived but highly disruptive to vagal tone.
• Upanāha (The one you noticed)
  • Literal: To tie up, to bind together.
  • Translation: Enmity / Bearing a grudge.
  • Synonyms/Context: Simmering frustration, resentment, holding onto a slight. This is Kodha (anger) that hasn't been allowed to discharge. It binds to the body, often manifesting as chronic upper chest breathing or stomach knots during a stand-up meeting with a difficult colleague.
• Makkha
  • Literal: Smearing over, concealing.
  • Translation: Contempt / Detraction / Denigration.
  • Synonyms/Context: Dismissiveness, rolling your eyes, actively minimizing someone else's contribution or worth to protect your own ego.
• Paḷāsa
  • Literal: To strike against, to clash.
  • Translation: Domineering / Presumption / Insolence.
  • Synonyms/Context: Asserting dominance, talking over people, refusing to yield in an argument purely out of pride, pulling rank.

The Greed / Clinging Family (Rooted in Lobha)

These involve dopaminergic fixation—the organism perceiving a scarcity of resources, status, or comfort, and tightening its grip to secure them.

• Abhijjhā-visamalobha
  • Literal: Directing the gaze toward (Abhijjhā) + Uneven/unjust desire (Visamalobha).
  • Translation: Covetousness / Unrighteous Greed.
  • Synonyms/Context: Fixation on acquiring what isn't yours or what you don't need; hyper-focusing on an outcome at the expense of ethics or baseline calm.
• Issā
  • Literal: To look at with an evil eye.
  • Translation: Envy / Jealousy.
  • Synonyms/Context: Resenting another's success, status anxiety. A painful sympathetic contraction when a peer gets a promotion or credit you wanted.
• Macchariya
  • Literal: The state of a stingy person.
  • Translation: Avarice / Stinginess.
  • Synonyms/Context: Scarcity mindset, hoarding. In a corporate environment, this often manifests as knowledge-hoarding or gatekeeping to protect one's indispensability.

The Delusion / Ego-Preservation Family (Rooted in Moha)

These represent cognitive distortion and rigidity. They are failures of objective self-monitoring, where the brain prioritizes protecting a fabricated self-image over seeing reality accurately.

• Māyā
  • Literal: Magic, illusion.
  • Translation: Deceit / Hypocrisy.
  • Synonyms/Context: Masking, presenting a false front, faking competence or alignment to avoid vulnerability.
• Sāṭheyya
  • Literal: Craftiness, trickery.
  • Translation: Fraud.
  • Synonyms/Context: Active manipulation, office politics, framing data to look better than it is rather than admitting a fault.
• Thambha
  • Literal: A pillar, a post.
  • Translation: Obstinacy / Stubbornness.
  • Synonyms/Context: Cognitive rigidity. The refusal to down-regulate or change course when presented with new data. The absolute physical inability to say "I was wrong."
• Sārambha
  • Literal: Accompanying noise, rush, or impetuosity.
  • Translation: Rivalry / Contention / Competitiveness.
  • Synonyms/Context: Turning collaborative environments into zero-sum games. The need to "win" the conversation rather than solve the problem.
• Māna
  • Literal: Measuring.
  • Translation: Conceit / Pride.
  • Synonyms/Context: The constant background comparator: "Am I better than, worse than, or equal to them?" It is a highly exhausting, constant calculation running in the background.
• Atimāna
  • Literal: Beyond measuring (Excessive Māna).
  • Translation: Arrogance.
  • Synonyms/Context: Extreme superiority complex, complete blindness to one's own limitations, leading to inevitable structural failure (both in software and in life).
• Mada
  • Literal: Intoxication.
  • Translation: Vanity / Intoxication (with youth, health, or life).
  • Synonyms/Context: Complacency born of current success or physical capability. Forgetting the fragility of the body or the impermanence of your current standing.
• Pamāda
  • Literal: Without gladness/care (from letting go of attention).
  • Translation: Heedlessness / Negligence.
  • Synonyms/Context: Operating entirely on autopilot. The complete absence of sati (mindfulness). Letting the mind drift into the default mode network without any anchor.

UPDATE: most helpful comment = https://www.reddit.com/r/streamentry/comments/1wz72ii/comment/pel20gk/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Pinning here to help other people who may stumble on this.

OP:

I think after almost a year of focused practice, I have finally started regularly experiencing piti.

Several points and questions on which I would like feedback:

1. In fact, it would be more accurate to say that I am noticing the "body buzz" that is already there instead of generating piti. That was a mistake I think I was making--trying to generate piti...noticing is more accurate.
2. The body buzz/rapture/etc. feels familiar. I thought piti would feel foreign and exotic.
3. Spiritual chills + goosebumps on the inside of body + effervescence = piti?
4. I have experienced "spiritual chills" my whole life. They especially happened a lot as a little kid (raised in a fundamentalist Christian cult where people were always speaking in tongues and trying to lay hands on people to make miracles happen). The spiritual chills have been happening a lot lately, mainly inside of meditations. Other ways of describing those spiritual chills would be goosebumps on the inside of body and/or effervescence--are those good descriptions for piti?
5. Finally, this may sound weird:
6. When I really marinate in the bubbling, tingling feeling on the inside of my body, my butthole tightens up, and my neck jerks back so that my eyes are cast upward. This is involuntary. It takes me by surprise, almost like a sneeze, each time.

So, is what I am describing piti?

If so, how can I cultivate/strengthen this more in order to enter the first jhana?

As someone with two forms of mental OCD, is there a way to cultivate piti and enter the first jhana in a way that does not trigger an IFS-style backlash of parts?

I've been on this path for a while now, and it's truly changed my life; however, physical pain in my body is a particular block of mine that is hard for me to transcend, specifically chronic migraines.

I have tried everything... meditation, sending love to the pain, ignoring the pain, becoming aware of the I am. However, the minute I do that, my migraine gets 10x worse and I have to give in and take pain relievers, which I really don't want to do. (I've already gone to the Dr's and did brain scan and my brain is fine).

So for those of you experienced with physical pain and have been able to manifest healing, how did you do it? I think if you've never experienced chronic pain it's easy to say "just ignore it and cancel the thought out" (which I've tried), but the pain is SOOOO intense that it's hard to misidentify with it. Any tips?

I sat for an hour yesterday evening and as I carefully observed what was happening, some memories arose in mental formations. Most interestingly, a memory came up of experiencing being criticized on the internet. Criticism is a fact of life, but this one particularly stung.

As the memory arose, they were quickly followed by feelings of aversion and ill will arising. And following that, I felt like the feelings sank deeper into my body and became anxious and unsafe feelings.

I'm familiar with the darwinian explanation for this - my body was trying to warn me that I'd best be careful what I say, lest I be cast out of my tribe and be unable to survive.

But here, I find it fascinating to observe this as a phenomenon in the five aggregates.

I have this general idea that by observing this process dispassionately, I can slowly loosen and eventually break the fetter of vyapada, but it isn't entirely clear to me how that works.

Hello everyone,

I'm writing to share my experience and ask for yours.

I've been practicing for several years (almost exclusively TMI) and have pivoted much of my personal and professional life to becoming familiar (if not entirely proficient :-) ) with the Dharma. The first few years of practice I was steadfast and almost never missed a sit or neglected to be mindful of the Eightfold Path in my daily life.

My aims were both spiritual (seeking relief from existential suffering and a desire for truth and understanding); and mental health related (chronic anxiety and low grade depression or ennui). At some stage about four or five years ago there was a change. My anxiety disappeared, my depressive symptoms became manageable, and a sense of mental clarity and understanding of things from a Dharmic perspective was more accessible to me.

I also did a facilitated Finder's Course about a year ago and that deepened my situation. I would put myself at at least Location 1 and when I'm actively practicing Location 2 a large percentage of the time.

However, it is obvious to me that I am not a stream enterer and would likely require a great deal of committed practice for that kind of shift.

Here's the rub: since my most pressing problems of daily suffering are now greatly attenuated, I find it hard to commit to my daily practice other than 20 minutes of meditation before bed as I'm falling asleep, continuing to read about the Dhamma, and generally trying to apply mindfulness and the other factors of the Eightfold Path in my daily life. It's as if the current level of "okayness" has dampened the sense of urgency and desperation to practice for at least the first stage of Liberation.

The other irony is that at this level I finally have resolved enough doubt and confusion to know exactly how I have to practice (in terms of time commitment and what to do with my mind during sits) to probably make significant progress in a reasonable amount of time. While I still have some doubts around the reality of stream entry (or rather its accessibility to me in this life), I now know exactly what I have to do to find out for myself.

But I just cannot find the motivation to practice consistently, mainly because "everything's okay how it is now." Although, I know that not to be true at all because I can see it, and because recently I had a highly stressful event in my life and the equanimity (despite being there in the background to some extent) was significantly diminished. I dealt with a resurgence of anxiety (maybe 70% of what I used to experience at all times before I started practicing).

If I had to put a finger on the main issue I have when sitting down to practice there are three things:

1. Despite my mind being significantly more placid, wieldly, and, content there is an upwelling of mental restlessness when I sit to practice.

2. There is a sense of unease, maybe even fear, that I experience when I begin to practice. If I were to describe it metaphorically it would be like staring down into an abyss or perhaps looking out into a darkness or mist and being afraid of what is there that I cannot see and being paralysed to move forward.

3. When I start practicing consistently, at around two weeks, I start experiencing what feel like hypomanic levels of happiness. While this doesn't actually sound like a problem, I find the frenetic nature of the happiness overwhelming. General happiness is also perhaps something so unfamiliar to me (since my entire adult life was a more depressed mode) that it is uncomfortable.

I think one of the most discouraging parts of the situation is that I know deeply that this is the only thing that matters, the only thing I really want to "accomplish" with my life and the best thing I can do for myself and others. While I am still heavily involved in academic work, personal study, and some online communities around practice, I feel a bit like a fraud or hypocrite and know that I am wasting the precious opportunities and circumstances I have to practice.

I would be very interested to know whether you have experienced this type of rut in practice and progress and what allowed you to move beyond it.

Thank you and may you all be well and happy.

Original Post - Week one: https://redd.it/1wgx47n

Welcome back to week 3, a little late this time.

Time for change

After last week, and some input I got, I decided to change the layout to something more friendly, yet somehow still keep the journal for anyone whose interested. This is the result. The full journal can be found on the below link, and here I will post a more thoughts and summary text.

Link to Journal: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NBOL4s89mY6QlkeIIo-OZXKyZRx1fungEfHWWgCBC0k/edit?usp=sharing

In the doc, You can use the navigation to jump to sections as needed.

My Progress: Week 3 - 14,8h of meditation

TL;DR: Many challenges and problems, yet progress keeps coming. On day 16 I was at the door to the first Jhana , but too “reserved” to fully let go / surrender. I also developed a new breathing technique - flow breathing (Day 17). Day 19 was interesting from an insight perspective.

What happened this week:

It's an uphill journey at the moment, and I have my issues which prevent me from progression somewhat. My nose is a major annoyance, constantly clogged and singing, not being able to breathe comfortably is a major distraction. Further I need to work on my Open breath awareness (OBA) and Breath Energy (BE) coupled with stable attention. I get lost way too easily and have no ekaggata. And when Life hits you, meditation times suffer, My overall meditation times are way down, as is evident…

My progress on Breath energy keeps going on, and it's getting more controlled now at times. Getting something of a feel for this.

I did discover that in the morning I have a major boost in OBA and BE in my body, so need to train in this time more and longer.

for anyone wondering, What is Flow Breathing: A new way of breathing, kinda like air is flowing on the bottom of the nose/throat, it's a feeling like a river going over an elevation. It happens on its own after some time in stroll meditation. I can replicate it also in Sitting meditation. Its relaxing and calming.

That's all. Thank you for your time.

This topic was touched upon a few years ago, I wanted to build upon it because I'm experiencing something that is making me feel a little bit unsure of whether this is the right way to progress. I have been meditating fairly regularly for a year now, and over time, while I have experienced the benefits of meditation like less anxiety, more relaxed frame of mind, even during difficult times etc. I have also noticed a sense of apathy in my everyday life. For example, I used to be an extremely organised person. I would declatter my house regularly, organised regularly, sort and label things, stay on top of daily house chores, to the extent that a sense of extreme organised personality would come across. I appear to be losing that side of myself. It has been months, and I have not decluttered my house even though I know I need to do it. It's not like I'm living in squalor, my house does get tidied up and cleaned regularly, but not to that extent that I used to do with a passion. I have also felt a lesser need to journal or plan and organise my days, because meditation seems to take off a lot of the load that I would offload through my daily long form journaling practice. I worry that if I keep up with this, will my house fall into disarray? But I am unable to bring up the same level of motivation that I used to have to declutter, clean and organise my space, or do house care, etc. Can someone please shed a light on this? Thank you.