TLDR : My partner has emotionally withdrawn, and we haven’t seen each other in eight weeks despite my attempts to reconnect.
I’m at a crossroads. I recognize that I’m stuck and need to make changes, but I feel overwhelmed trying to figure out what to do. I’m also very isolated, don’t have many people to talk to, and tend to overthink and ruminate, so I’m hoping to get some outside perspective.
My partner (M37) and I (M33) have been together for about two years. He’s married and lives with his husband of 10+ years and their four dogs. They’re romantically and sexually non-monogamous. He’s my only partner by choice, and we’re sexually non-exclusive. It’s unconventional, but I really love him, and when things are good, we’re good together. When we met, I felt seen, understood, supported, and loved, and I believe he felt the same. In the beginning I never felt less than or like the relationship dynamic couldn’t work, it always did.
The thing we first connected on when we met was sexual chemistry. That was the core our connection and the emotional relationship came along with it and we started dating. Early on, we had some struggles around sexual non exclusivity. Hiccups that would naturally arise. We tried to work through conflicts, establish boundaries, and improve communication, but the distance we had made everything harder, at least for me.
He lives an hour away (I’ve never visited his home because it’s shared with his husband) and between his full time career, school, and his own life, time together has always been limited. Typically we’d see each other 1-2 times a week. It was hard to regulate and feel connected after conflict when you couldn’t physically see each other. As our relationship deepened, so did hurt and resentment as well as the distance. We’d go weeks without seeing each other, and things seemed to fester rather than get resolved and everything started to fizzle away. I so badly wanted to make up for the mess ups we had, talk about them, express our feelings, navigate them, make changes, and help each other heal. There was just no space ever to do so.
Eventually, we hit a wall. We stopped connecting, he began going longer between visits and putting up emotional walls, and my anxiety increased. I pushed for connection, he pulled away, and we fell into the anxious-avoidant cycle.
Three or four months ago, he decided he no longer wanted physical intimacy with me or anyone else. He described it as becoming asexual, as a way to protect himself from getting hurt anymore. That was incredibly difficult for me. He declined even nonsexual affection, like hugs, cuddling, or holding hands and each time I felt brave enough to ask I was shot down. It hurt deeply and triggered a lot of abandonment wounds, but I accepted his decision because I felt I had contributed to the hurt and respected his right to set that boundary. He promised we’d find other ways to spend more time together, and I held on to that hope.
Then this summer, he had two kidney stones, stomach problems, and COVID back to back, so we didn’t see each other during that time. I offered to visit him in the hospital, bring him things, or come to his home if he and his husband were comfortable with that, but those conversations were avoided. Just completely ignored. I tried not to take it personally because I knew he was struggling.
It’s now been 8+ weeks since I last saw him. Over the past few weeks, every attempt to make plans has been brushed aside. We made tentative plans one weekend, and then he disappeared until the following day. When I try to reach out, he withdraws further. He goes days without responding, and the goodnight and “I love you” texts have disappeared. It honestly feels like a complete cold shoulder from someone who is supposed to be my partner.
I also want to share that I have BPD. I’m hesitant to mention it because of the stigma, but I’ve done therapy, worked on DBT skills, and genuinely try to take responsibility for my emotions and behavior. I feel things intensely, particularly through a lens of abandonment and rejection, and this situation has triggered some very deep wounds. That heightened, triggered state caused a but loads of issues for me. I’m struggling to sleep and eat, experiencing severe depressive episodes and BPD splitting, missing work, etc. Just completely abandoning myself. It’s affecting my ability to connect with other people and show up in other areas of my life. I’m starting to recognize how much this cycle of ours, combined with weeks of disconnection, is fueling my symptoms and leaving me emotionally dysregulated. It’s no longer just affecting my relationship, it’s affecting my entire life.
I love him. I understand that he’s hurt, and I want to repair things with him. But I’m starting to wonder if I’m in denial, holding on to someone who is showing me in every way that he doesn’t want this relationship anymore without actually saying it. At the same time, I can understand why he might be withdrawing, and I don’t believe he’s necessarily doing it intentionally or consciously.
I also recognize that with BPD have to be intentional about creating stability in my life. This relationship currently feels like the opposite of stability, and I can see how much it’s destabilizing me.
I don’t know what to do. My gut tells me I need to walk away, choose myself, and release myself from the obsession and rumination so I can focus on healing and taking care of myself. But I love him, I want to understand him, and I want to believe we can work through this together. I can’t seem to get through to him, though, and I can’t keep living in this uncertainty. I feel crazy at times and convince myself that it’s normal and not a big deal that I haven’t seen him in two months, that he doesn’t text back, etc. I struggle to find the balance of recognizing my illness and knowing when I’m just being dramatic af and when I’m genuinely hurt and someone is hurting me.
How do I know when it’s time to let go of someone I love, even when I understand their hurt and can empathize with why they’re behaving the way they are and how do I walk away from someone I still love when part of me is desperately hoping things can go back to how they were?