I’m 26F. My diagnosed BPD mother reaches out to me about 4 times a week. Offering various gifts, sending me videos or songs, asking to come over and visit me and my 16M son (her only grandkid). Anytime I let her come over to relieve some pressure building up in my texts, I feel AWFUL during and for some time after. You know the feeling. Visceral disgust, anger, and clogged throat feeling.

Anyway. I really just don’t want to talk to her or see her, i think ever. I guess I’m just not sure how to establish that. She’s “being nice” and isn’t acting out currently so I guess I feel like I don’t have a reason to go NC but man my nervous system can’t take her for even a visit.

NC feels so big and official and scary but any contact sends me (and my husband) into chaos. Advice?

Also this is my first post so here’s a link to a cute cat:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabby_cat

I’d ask if your BPD parent shared something insanely inappropriate or outrageous with you, but we all know they did at some point. So what’s the wildest thing they tossed off as if they were discussing the weather?

Mine is that my BPD mother told me her ex-husband (not my father, the man she married after my father passed) was “taught” by his mother how to… you know… be intimate… with a woman. It’s exactly what you think it is. And my mother laughed as if it was just such a silly story.

I'm learning more about BPD (I am convinced my mom has it - queen archetype - and her mother did too - witch archetype). One of the diagnostic criteria I'm struggling to click with is "identity disturbance - markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self."

My BPD mom started but didn't finish college despite being a super talented musician on a scholarship. She has since cycled through several unconnected/very different types of work but was never actually contributing to the household's finances because she just gambled anything she made and then some. She did a bartending gig for a while in which she (and a friend) dressed up as alter ego, clown-like characters once a week and lived out their characters. My mom's character had a distinct personality, name, and hyper exaggerated makeup and female anatomy. Her character would "spank" customers (a term of art she coined and that is in her lexicon -- not a physical spanking, just a way of verbally interacting that involves loudly and brazenly berating someone) -- mostly male customers I gather -- and then gamble away all the extra tips she made from the spectacle.

Is this the kind of behavior that is considered an "identity disturbance"? (I am realizing how absurd it sounds written out, but I'm serious.) And I'd really appreciate reading some examples/stories from others of what you have experienced as your BPD parent's identity disturbance(s).

Edit / p.s. -- one of the times she was getting ready/dressed to be this character, I was trying to tell her something really important, like life-changingly important for a 17-year old, and she completely disregarded me / was even annoyed at me for trying to tell her something because she was so busy getting ready and then never followed up. I handled it without telling her about it. More than 15 years later I told her what had happened (this was before I learned about BPD and thought she might have a normal reaction) and she just shrugged it off. No apology, just "oh honey."

p.p.s. She also now will often say goopy things like, "Oh honey, I just want to mother you, I want to hold you," which is so offputting and gross because she never did that when I needed it as a child, so I stopped expecting it and now it feels unnatural/wrong for her to talk about me that way. She never actually listened to me when I was trying to share my most sacred parts with her, so I stopped sharing those parts a very long time ago. She gets so emotional when she says these things to me as an adult that I think she truly believes she knows me and is capable of comforting me.

Sorry for the super long post/question-turned-rant. I'm learning and every new thing I learn sets off a cascade of memories/feelings/impressions/realizations. It's really helpful to have this sub <3

My BPD mother (72) texted this FB post to all five of her grandchildren, as well as me because my child is the only minor and the only one without a phone number (that she knows of!). She hasn’t seen any of them since about 2023. 3 of the 5 are within a day trip from my mother.

Not a single one replied to her 😂

Made the mistake of thinking I should tell my mom about one of the most important moments of my entire life. I just didn't want her to find out some other way and her feelings be hurt.

My mom is uBPD and I've always been in a caretaker role. I've been in therapy for years and recently started EMDR. I feel like I keep getting into situations where female authority figures cling on to me at work or in social settings. I do not ask for advice but am constantly getting unsolicited advice from them on what I should or should not do in my life when it comes to work, finance, relationships, etc. I feel like people constantly badger me and are up my ass. It makes me want to distance myself from everyone and never be friendly to anyone. Do any other adult children of uBPD feel this way? I feel like a magnet for controlling women and I must automatically go into caretaker mode or something, but how do I always attract them in the first place? I am F33.

My BPD mom (72) has numerous health problems, most real, some imagined, a few that we aren’t sure of because she doesn’t tell the whole story. I could see her passing within months or hanging on for many more years. I am 44F, if that matters.

I have gone no contact with her twice. Once maybe 10 years ago, contacting again in 2020 when she had a triple bypass and was potentially on the brink of death. The second since June of this year. The in between time has been minimal contact with mostly no personal information shared that she could use as ammo. I think this no contact will last for a very long time, if not forever.

I have told myself I’m okay with her dying during a period of no contact. I have told myself that I am at peace with that and that I don’t feel the need to be at her deathbed and tell her that everyone loves her. Of course I love my mom. But I have reconciled that loving my mom because she’s my mom and did some nice stuff for me when I was younger doesn’t mean I love my mom for who she is and how she behaves and the abuse she inflicted. I can love my mom but not want to play make believe just to ease her pain.

The latest health drama is that she needs spinal surgery, without which she will guaranteed end up paralyzed. She refuses to have surgery. Wants a wheelchair and to die in her own home (hours and hours away from me and my older siblings). Conflicting reports from her say she’s fine, she’s dying, she’s going to have a stroke, she’s going to be an independent woman, she’s a fighter, she has no one. I get all of this second hand from my oldest sibling, who stills speaks to her, as well as from texts and voicemails from my mother. I never respond.

People who have been in this situation before, preferably those who broke contact and had parents pass away, how do you / did you feel about not being present near and at the end? Are you at peace with it or did you later have regrets? I wouldn’t be shocked if she bombards me all the way through with what a horrible person I am, I’m prepared for that and know it isn’t true. But when she’s gone… I know I’ll ask myself if I made the right choice.

I have taken such big strides in healing. Diagnosed with C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and Panic disorder. Got medication. Took a ton of time off work to focus on Trauma Informed therapy. Began reading/Listening to “Understanding the Borderline Mother” which has been validating my experiences. Creating a friend group of women that understand trauma and we support each other.

I have made so much progress is healing and trying not to be swallowed up into the misery of the past. I have accepted my BPD Mom in her 60s will not change. I have accepted that my relationship with her will be minimal because she cannot and will not ever trust anyone enough to truly love them the way they need to be loved.

But… it does not make the absence of a mother figure feel any better. I crave having a fucking parent that will just scoop me up and save me. I have been so hyper independent for so long. It has helped me in the long run to build my life and success I have. But it leaves this gushing wound where I’m constantly grieving the lack of love and support it feels like others get to have.

It re-opens old wounds of “why wasn’t I good enough to make her change?”. I can never forgive her for how she treated/treats my sister (the “no good” child) and I feel like my whole life I have tried to change my mother. Now that I’m accepting she will never change, the background of my mind is filled with grief of the mother I will never have.

I don’t see or feel this grief changing and relenting. Just ever present. And when I acknowledge it, it over whelms me.

My BPD Mother is not safe to go to and my Father is still doting over my sister who was demonized by my mother. Where do I even fit? Who do I even go to?

No one else on this planet can fill the void of support we receive from our parents. I am afraid it will never go away and I so badly want it to. I want to feel whole ☹️ I’m so tired of feeling the agonizing emotional pain of never having my parents give a fuck about me and how I feel. I’m in my fuckin 30s when will it fuckin end and I get to move on with my life

My BPD mother is not speaking to my sister and I at the moment, because we won’t promise her to cut off all contacts with the family of my father’s partner. My father cheated on my BPD mother with that woman 15 years ago which led to their divorce. He is still with that woman, and we sometimes see her family (sons, grandchildren). We are cordial but not close, and see each other a few times a year. My sister and I have young kids (from babies to elementary school age) who enjoy seeing them.

My mother’s reason for asking us to cut ties is that it hurts her too much to see that woman’s family « infiltrating » her family, and that it is nothing for us to cut off those ties because we are not that close. She insists that she needs that proof of loyalty from us and that she is finally standing up for herself by asking us. She is also adamant that she needs to tell her grandkids how much she suffered at the hands of my father, how bad he was to her in order to « protect them » from such bad people in the future. She says that she won’t be « muzzled » and has the right to tell her life story to her grandkids.

We explained to my mother that our relationship cannot be conditional on excluding others, and that cutting off ties like that would lead to a loyalty conflict in our children as well as alienation. Allowing her to « tell her story » to her grandkids is also a no-go as we need to protect our kids’ psychological integrity.

She just doesn’t get it. She would LOVE if the kids took her side and became her allies. She feels like we are requiring her to do a big « sacrifice » by staying silent in front of the kids.

It makes me sad because she has mostly been able to manage herself in front of the kids since they were born and has truly been helpful, kind and loving to our kids. But a few things made her tick recently and she went as far as saying that she won’t allow her grandchildren to become a third generation of traitors to her (!).

How to handle BPD mom as a grandmother?

I wish i had a childhood home with two healthy safe parents that i could visit from time to time. People i could introduce to my boyfriend. A home base i could call for financial and emotional support. A family that didn’t feel complicated to talk about with others. A family i didn’t dread being asked questions about when someone is trying to get to know me. A family i didn’t have to lie about in order not to seem like an easy target who has to navigate the world on her own. A mother that didn’t make me feel afraid to explore the world, other people and different experiences. A father that wasn’t a POS. Siblings i knew were okay and didn’t have to worry about. A family In which we all could have actually developed and flourished from… instead, we each have social, financial ánd emotional issues. None of us are fully established adults with our own lives, friends, careers and none of us have partners. As kids were always expected to pretend that everything was fine but now that we are all adults, it’s just so obvious we were NOT. A family i could feel was a safety net for ME, not the other way around. A family who created space for me to explore more socially, to explore myself and MY interests. A family that didn’t take up 90% of my emotional, mental, financial and physical capacity, this part i resent so much. A family that invested in my health issues instead of neglecting me and allowing it to get worse. Parents who didn’t outsource THEIR responsibilities to me and sometimes my siblings. A family i could be proud i came from.