Hi guys! For those of you who saw my last post, I promised an update and boy do I have one for you!

I have to start by saying this is the best birthday I've had in all of my 23 birthdays. My boyfriend wouldn't tell me where we were going and even had me close my eyes when he put the address into the gps. On the way there, he stopped at a couple of stores and told me to pick whatever food, snacks, or drinks I wanted for the next three days and he bought all of it. He then took me to go pick out any card game I wanted. Then we drove and drove and drove until we were out in the country where we were surrounded by nothing but trees and grass and flower fields. And then he pulled into this super thick patch of woods and went down this dirt road until we were at a little cabin!! Now, I know you guys dont know me like that, but this is the most perfect place he could have ever brought me to. I absolutely adore nature and the woods. Fresh air, sunlight glittering through leaves, bushes and plants and wildlife everywhere- it was the most perfect thing in the world (second to him, of course).

It was a cozy little camp cabin with a built in bed, a kitchenette, and this luxurious little bathroom. And the bed had these floor to ceiling windows that were so crystal clear I felt like I could reach my hand right through and touch the leaves of all the trees surrounding us (I'll add a couple of pictures). It was absolutely beautiful. And then he brought in a basket he'd made with a Nightmare Before Christmas blanket (I love Halloween and thats one of my top 10 favorite movies ever) and a Lego Rose kit that we're going to build together. So of course I cried.

He brought me the day before my birthday (so I could wake up with him on my bday and go to bed with him on my bday!) and he set his alarm for midnight so we could celebrate the actual day. He was the very first person to tell me happy birthday and he held me and gave me this little birthday speech and told me how much he loves me and how proud of me he is. And of course, again I cried (later on in the middle of the night when his words really really sunk in). He left the entire day up to me and said we'd do whatever I wanted to do. We went for a walk out in the woods, we watched a movie, watched YouTube together, cuddled, made a tiny little campfire, made drinks, he gave me a massage- the works! And to top it all off, I love cats, and as we were packing up to leave this morning, the sweetest, friendliest kitty was just hanging around the cabin! She let me pet her and wouldn't stop purring!

This is the most love I have ever ever felt. This is the most effort anyone's ever gone to for me, the most thought and consideration I've ever seen someone put in for me. I cried so many happy tears this weekend. I cried before we left today. Lol I'm crying right now as I type this! This is the most amazing trip I've ever been on, so much so that I told him we should do this every year. It was a lovely getaway where it was just the two of us and good ol Mother Nature and I have genuinely never felt more happy and at peace. This whole trip said so many different things. He pays so much attention to me and my interests and my joys. And he loves me so much that he culminated all of it into what has been, again, genuinely the best birthday that I have ever had. He is the sweetest, kindest, most caring man I have ever met and ever will meet and I am so beyond blessed and grateful to get to spend my life with someone as wonderful as he is. I love my boyfriend so much guys.

And there is my update for you all! Thank you for all the kindness and birthday wishes on my last post, and may your lives be full of joy, light, and love!

I’m curious to hear from people in happy, long-term relationships who didn’t know they were in love within the first couple of months.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months (official for three). He’s naturally reserved, not very verbally expressive, but very affectionate physically, thoughtful, consistent, and caring. I can tell he really likes me, but he hasn’t said “I love you” yet.

I’m starting to fall in love with him, and sometimes I struggle to understand how two people can experience the same relationship but potentially develop or recognize those feelings at different speeds.

For those who took longer:
How long did it take you to realize you were in love?
Did you already feel strongly attached before recognizing it as love?
Were you naturally less verbally affectionate?
Did one person realize they were in love before the other?
How is your relationship doing now?
I’m particularly interested in hearing from people whose feelings developed gradually rather than those who knew immediately.

I have these tiny brown dots scattered across my cheeks and around my eyes, and I’ve always thought about getting rid of them to have clearer, more even-toned skin.
But my boyfriend absolutely LOVES them. He keeps telling me they are one of the most beautiful features of my face.
And the sweetest part is that I have slowly started loving them too, simply because of how lovingly he sees them.
It’s such a small thing, but it made me realize how beautiful it is to be loved by someone who adores the little details about you that you might otherwise consider imperfections.
We have been together for two years now. I feel so lucky to love and be loved by him. 🥹❤️

Hi, I’m an 18-year-old guy who has never had a partner and feels like no one will ever love him.

Social media has filled my head with certain ideas—for instance, the notion that if you don’t have money, no woman will want you, or that if you’re short, unattractive, a "nerd," or a "nice guy," no one will ever love you. It’s a cruel perspective, and I want to make peace with the whole concept of love. I don’t know what it’s like to have a partner, nor do I understand how love works. I need help.

Hello everyone!

My boyfriend and I have known eachother over 6 years. We dated for about a year or two, broke up for a few years, reunited, and we've been together since March. I never would've thought we'd ever be in eachothers lives again but here we are.

Anyways, my boyfriend has always been a dismissive avoidant from the day I've known him. When we dated the first time all those years ago, I didn't know what was going on and often took his lack of expression very personally. I used to question his love for me, get confrontational, angry, and would repeatedly shame him... I'm very embarrassed by my behavior all those years ago and it likely only made his avoidance tendencies even worse.

However, I've grown a lot since then. I have a better understanding of the dismissive avoidant personality and how it develops in childhood and how it can manifest in adulthood. I know he loves me. There's not a doubt in my mind anymore and I don't question it anymore.

From what I know about him and how he grew up, I understand how his defense mechanisms helped him to survive his childhood and how it follows him into adulthood. I know he's an extremely fearful individual that he masks with hyper-independence. He rarely opens up about his feelings and when anybody asks him about his feelings, he's changing the subject. I don't even think he's consciously aware when he does that. He goes into fight or flight when conversations become emotionally charged. Just like he did as a child. He struggles to process his emotions and takes quite a bit of time to pinpoint what he's feeling. He carries a lot of shame... I know this because it comes out in our arguments. He doesn't hear me say "your actions hurt me", I think he hears "you have failed her" and he goes into defense. I think I talk to him shame quite often when my emotions come to the table and its no longer him. I know he desperately wants love and connection but is desperately afraid of it too. When I love up on him, I think he loves it but is uncomfortable with it at the same time. I'm careful not to smother him with physical affection because I'm a very touchy person. I know there's a whole person under the mask that he's afraid to show others. I know there's a little boy inside who's still in survival and protection mode. Perhaps I'm his biggest threat yet comforting too.

He has never cheated, never been abusive, and is a very loyal guy. I try my best to keep things as peaceful as possible. I love this man but I also know I have needs too. We go to couples counseling and I'm hoping it helps because we've both expressed a desire to one day settle down and get married. My question is, how do I love him the best that I can without putting pressure on him? I want to create a safe space for him because I know the avoidant type HAS to have consistent safety before they even consider letting you in. I'm willing to be patent because I want to discover the man underneath the mask. I love him and I want him to one day feel safe enough with me that he can let me into his inner world. I don't want to be another example for his shame to use that people leave quickly. I'm not willing to give up so easily and will ensure I take care of myself so I'm not putting pressure on him and I can take care of myself too. For anyone that is an avoidant personality type or have been with one, how do I give him his space and provide emotional safety for him? Any tips would be wonderful!

I feel he doesn’t care enough. Whenever I’m going through things he doesn’t seem to care. He only put himself first. If we go out on a date (barely) he complains about having to pay.

When I was out out of work and lost my job pregnant. He refused to cover the bills himself and I had to exhaust my savings.

When repairs are needed for the house he won’t pay for it or go half. Whenever we go to get gas he won’t ever pay for my gas ( I have paid for his)

He acts so loving but is extremely selfish and stingy. Idk if it’s because he grew up without a dad and never saw what it meant. He barely pays for anything for our child.

This part I hate about him and it makes me resentful.

I love Love, Especially when it's about my Boyfriend.

I get excited to wake Up Every morning to see him sleep beside me.

I feel Happy when i see him smile and laugh.

I get scared when i feel there is something wrong and he cant tell me what It is.

(Some weeks ago he faught with his mom and couldnt tell me what they faught about. It was my engagement ring, his mom didn't like the one he bought for me. I found out because she straight Up told me the ring was ugly, and he still hasnt proposed, i shouldnt even know about any ring)

I get sad when he feels sad.

I feel like i want to be a better person, not because i need to, but because i want to.

I feel so warm when i'm in his arms.

I smile when he smiles, i cry when he Crys.

"Love" in the past was always: fear, obsesión, anger, many horrible things.

But Love now is a Rollercoaster, a Rollercoaster that with Every Up and down forms the new way. I have never been on this Rollercoaster and It is different for everyone. I just know that i dont want this Ride to end.

I dont know if the Rollercoaster was a good example tbh.

I just feel that with Every hug i am so close to his Soul and there is a Deep conecction full of love and truth. He is who i want, he is who i need.

I am so Happy to have found him.

+Plus Points because he always gives me foot massages, especially after i wear sneakers.

Best Boyfriend everrrr!!!

I love how love can be so different. My grandmother recently passed away and understanding that missing her is also loving her has made me think about how love is so vast.

I love my bf, we have a ldr right now, and I still love talking to him, I genuinely enjoy his personality, his quiet moments, we are so different and so alike and I love him

I love my friends and talking to them, I love reading the GC and seeing their personality through their messages

I love my favorite artist, who I recently saw in concert, and I loved the vibe there, it was pure love

I'm currently watching Sullivan's crossing and I love how it's cozy and slow

I hope you're all loved

After an agreement of 6 months (that i'd leave), My sister suddenly kicked me out seemingly because of her own relationship stuff and it's incredibly tender to think about. I never even got a hug goodbye, just an i love you through her camera.

I don't hold and ill will towards her, I still love her and would do anything for her, It's just different now.

He graciously let me stay with him, and he helped me moved what was important to me out.

I love him so dearly it sits deep in my chest, working if's way further each day.

and I'm grateful he's here to support me through my hurt feelings. Even when I kept assuring him I was ok earlier in the day through my teary eyes. Im stubborn I know

Driving around made me realize how much he means to me. I'm glad we could meet each other again the second go around.

As each day goes past, I can only hope that were still old and in love one day.

or raising a kid we adopted. I've seen him when he hears a baby or a little kid talking, he just has a tenderness for children and I know he wants to be a dad someday. And over the years ive grown ok with adopting an older kid before he came into my life again.

He states all the time he wants to give me the world. As long as he's in it, I'll take it.

I know both of us also have our own thing about marriage, I always felt uncomfortable being called a wife snd felt I didn't need a ring to be with someone. He feels pretty the same with the latter.

But it still makes my tummy all gooey when he says he wants to get strong enough to carry me over the threshold (he tries every damn day to lift me). Or when he pointed at a couple with a baby and said "us in 10 years"

Before him, I had never been in love. Even in my longest relationship, I thought I was aroace. Even outside of that, I didn't feel it like I do with him.

I can say without a shadow of doubt that I'm in love with that man.

I can't help it. He makes me feel safe with him to not only share my feelings but knowing he wouldn't let anything happen to me.

There's a reason I call him Lovie, he just is my Lovie and I wouldnt trade him for anything❤️

​

My classic bad boy, turned good type of story. A story from the books honestly. When we first met, it was for real love at first sight. My stomach said, "THERE YOU ARE, DAMN". it wasn't easy though, and I don't think it'll ever be easy.

When we first met, his ex cheated on him, and was threatning to kick him out to the streets. When we first met, he asked me if I had a boyfriend, I completely ignored his question, and we continued to talk about what was happening at home. I gave him a much needed hug, and as we were about to go our separate ways, he stopped me, and I can not lie, I felt electricity when our hands met. It was so comforting and amazing all in one within a split second. He asked me if I wanted to help him get back together with his ex girlfriend. From the very first moment we spoke, I knew he was my forever. But here I was, agreeing to help him win his ex back. I just thought; if I can just help him,, that's good enough for me. I've always been the sacrificial type. The type to sacrafice my own happiness for someone else's.

And so, from there on out, we went on pretend dates, held hands, pretended to be together. Then we had pretend sex. And that's when things got real, so real, I fell in love with this dude, and so real, that he also fell in love with me.

Flash forward to a couple weeks later: he is kicked out, and I have a car. I decide, to leave my family's home, and live with a man I had only known for a month in my car, in a parking lot. At this time, we are both still trying to win over his ex. For the next 4 months we are constantly trying to show off in front of her to make her jealous, while secretly enjoying the whole sherade. While we are homeless, my family stops by often to berate him. They fight, my brother threatens to kill him, and I know now that they were just trying to protect me. But 3 years ago, I thought they were just being complete jerks. I hated them in fact. My husband had no job, and wasn't trying to get one. I on the other hand got a job a week after we became homeless.

Yes, I stayed with him through all this, and call me naive because quite frankly I am, but I saw a part of him I wanted to hold onto. That, and the gut feeling I had when we first met, kept me coming back for more, and more, and more, I wanted every single experience to be with him... He was just wonderful in my eyes.

So we move to a different state because we can't live in my car forever, to live with his brother. We try a new position while we are... breeding. And BOOM out pops a baby. 6 months into the relationship, with a man who still won't work or provide. I stay with him still, even though he has severe anger issues and multiple personalities and yelled at me a lot, yeah I didn't mention that did I.

Against all odds, being homeless for 4 months, getting pregnant after 6 months, moving across the country and doing long distance for the entirety of my pregnancy, sending him money while also saving up for an apartment for us, we made it here, to our home. He moves in.

Just when I thought the hard stuff was over, it gets even worse. I continue to be the only one working for an entire three years. He gets jobs then looses them. My family hates him. Everyone doesn't like him, all while I love him so much. It was so hard. While I was pregnant I even worked 2 jobs. I don't mind working to make the ends meet, it's what has to be done.

About a year of living together, and it feels like hell. Everyday we fought for months. A TV was smashed, lamps broken, cops called twice. I thought he was going to kill me, and I cried every day because I was in hell.

I even left him, had my brother and his friends come and get my possessions. But I realized I had made a mistake, and came back.

It's a joke of a story, but yeah, I ended up coming back... and, after so much time fighting... things started to get, better. He got one anxiety medication, and one thing led to another, and... he settled down. I settled down. We fell in love again, he got a fulltime job and... now, things are heavenly, beautiful, and it was so wroth staying and waiting for things to get better. Idk, it worked out for me for some reason. He loves his son now, loves me, provides, while I stay home with our son. Life is amazing with this man. Every experience is 10 times better with him now. He used to be so stressed, hard on himself and others, he used to hate his mom, and now he's just? The sweetest man on earth? Quite actually, we have a fairy tail book love story. Bad boy turned good. He even has mom and dad issues and he used to have abs and was all hot. Idk, it's just amazing. Thanks for listening 😆

Baby,

There is a memory that has been sitting quietly in my mind for years.

It was shortly after our wedding. You had taken a month away from your PhD to be with me in Bangalore. We had done all the things newly married couples are expected to do. The Tirupati trip. Family visits. My grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary.

But this memory is not about any of those things.

It is about a lunch.

I was at work that day. Oracle was demanding, deadlines were tight, and I was trying desperately to convince myself that I belonged there. I was working on a banking product despite never really being comfortable with numbers. Finance had always baffled me. I was more comfortable with stories than spreadsheets, feelings than figures.

I remember getting a call from you. You wanted to come to my office so we could have lunch together.

I think you had cooked my favourite meal. Rajma, perhaps. The details have faded with time.

What hasn't faded is how I behaved.

My manager was already unhappy that I had taken extra leave after our wedding. Test cases were piling up. Deadlines were looming. I felt immense pressure to prove myself. For the first time in my life, I wasn't just someone's son or someone's boyfriend.

I was a husband.

I was earning ₹50,000 a month, paying rent, managing expenses, planning travel, and carrying responsibilities that felt much larger than I was prepared for. There was no instruction manual. No elder sibling teaching me the ropes. No reassurance that I was doing any of it correctly.

I was scared.

But instead of admitting that, I took it out on you.

I still remember seeing you in that newlywed salwar suit, wearing the red and white bridal bangles, excited to spend an afternoon with your husband.

And I greeted you with irritation.

I accused you of distracting me from work.

I made you feel guilty for taking a cab.

I made a simple act of love feel like a mistake.

I honestly don't even remember eating the food.

What I remember is failing to see what was in front of me.

A young woman who simply wanted to share lunch with the man she had married.

If I could revisit that afternoon, I would do everything differently.

I would greet you with a smile.

I would make time.

I would thank you for the effort.

I would sit beside you and enjoy every bite and make you eat with my hands. I don't think I ever did that, that was always you.

I would walk you to a nearby ice cream shop afterward, watch you laugh, book your cab home, and spend the rest of the day feeling grateful that someone loved me enough to bring lunch across a city.

But life does not work that way.

The past remains exactly where it happened.

All we get is understanding, years later.

And perhaps that is why I am writing this.

Not because I can change that afternoon.

But because I never properly said what should have been said that day.

Thank you.

And I am sorry.

Love, 

Teddy.

I’m a man and still young and inexperienced, but I’ve been really sad with what I’ve seen on social media about relationships. My feed keeps showing me how women will lose interest in you if you show too much attention, if you open up or become vulnerable they will use it against it you, most women just settle for a guy and aren’t loyal, or love him for him, and will move on when a better guy shows her attention. I feel like it must be social media pushing out crappy thoughts, because it paints relationships as cruel games. I want to be the best person I can be, and watching these videos saying the only way to maintain relationships is to be artificial feels so disheartening. I really don’t know anything, and am sure women also have lots of self doubt when it comes to dating, so I’d like to hear their experiences also.

I want to know your experience if this is in any sense true? Thank you.

I came across a video about relationship red flags, and it got me thinking about how I genuinely haven't seen those same red flags in my fiancé.

Now, I'm not saying he's perfect. Neither am I. We both make mistakes, but what makes him different is how he handles his. He acknowledges when he's wrong, takes accountability, and genuinely makes an effort to learn and do better. He doesn't just apologize and repeat the same behaviour or find someone else to blame.

He's also never once spoken badly about his exes, which might seem small, but coming from a relationship where my ex constantly did, it means a lot.

And something I appreciate more than I can explain is how he handles frustration. Of course he gets frustrated sometimes. He's human. But he's never taken that frustration out on me or made me feel like I need to walk on eggshells because he's having a bad day.

I think when you've spent so long in an unhealthy relationship, you start to normalize things you never should have had to accept. The excuses, the blame, the empty apologies, and the constant cycle of the same behaviour.

Then someone comes along and shows you that love doesn't have to feel that way.

I'm not naive enough to think we'll never have disagreements or difficult moments. But there's something incredibly comforting about knowing I'm with someone who can communicate, admit when they're wrong, and genuinely wants to grow alongside me.

I never needed someone perfect. I just wanted someone who cared enough to keep trying, who understood that accountability isn't a weakness, and who didn't make me responsible for their emotions or mistakes.

And somehow, I found him. I get to marry him. ❤️

After experiencing so many red flags, it's an incredible feeling to finally be with someone whose green flags aren't just words, but things he shows me through his actions.

This might not be a huge thing for a lot of people but this makes me so happy that I constantly think about it.

So in my last relationship, my ex forced me to work alongside someone she has sexted with, i reluctantly did listen to her coz it was her movie(she was the Director) and i did not want it to be a bad experience for her but there was no sense of understanding from her side that how weird and uncomfortable it was for me and then the biggest shock came when that guy disrespected me in front of a large group of people and even then i had to keep up with him coz she said so. No matter how much I explained it to her, she did not let me leave.

Fast forward to my GF

A few days ago, there was heated argument between me and a guy who is friends with both of us, during that time he was genuinely disrespectful even though I was not at fault. So now after this we all met at the party this guy came and remind you my GF was drunk at this point, yet when he tried to shake her hand, she looked at him blank and said "no buddy, it's done now"

Now it might seem like a small thing but this gesture warms me up so much and i cannot lover her enough.

I just wanted to share it somewhere.

Thank you for reading.

So I gave birth in june and since been having an irregular period. I had two boxes of those underwear pads but since I'm a bit thicker then before, theyre pretty tight and uncomfortable. This period I was push through the pain and where them since pads are expensive. I told my husband that when he went on a run to the store. He came back with these three packs for me. I've never told him what pads I use or anything he just paid attention. He said he didn't want me to be uncomfortable. He said he know for spotting I like to where panty liners, he knew I also liked the ultra thin regular pads for comfortability, and the larger ones for sleeping since I can be a heavy bleeder sometimes. This man also got a lavender candle (my favorite sent), and I spotted a chocolate cake when I was putting up the groceries and another dessert. I'm waiting for him to come back in to tell me about them. God bless this man. He also got stuff for the kids and anything we ran out of. I'm so spoiled and wish this kinda love for everyone. Just came her to brag!😅🤗🩷

J'aime la vie, je profite de chaque instant, j'aime me faire plaisir, admirer un beau paysage, faire un gâteau, pleurer devant un film, rire avec des amis, retrouver sa famille.
Pour rien au monde je ne changerais ma vie. Rien. Parce que j'ai une facon d'apprécier les choses facilement, de m'émerveiller tout le temps, je me connais bien, je sais ce que j'aime, ce que je veux devenir, ce qui m'anime. J'aime la façon dont je vois le monde, voilà.
Mais il y a quelque chose que je n'arrive pas à enlever sur ce joli tableau, comme une tache qui grossit parfois au point que je ne vois plus que ça. Et j'ose me dire que ma vie doit être fade tant que je ne l'ai pas connu. L'amour.
Je comprends enfin, ce que ça doit faire au corps et à la tête d'aimer. Je comprends mais je ne ressens pas. C'est arrivé aujourd'hui, peut être parce que j'étais de séjour à Paris, la ville des amoureux, chez ma meilleure amie en couple et amoureuse depuis 3 ans. J'ai eu une prise de conscience. Je lui racontais mes nouveaux flirts en rigolant, rien de séreux, je ne ressens rien, mais c'est marrant.
Et puis j'ai pensé à l'amour tout à coup, au vrai, celui raconté par mamie: comment à mon âge, 18-19 ans elle a rencontré mon grand père, celui décrit par mes copines aussi. J'ai pensé à la manière dont il est représenté dans l'art, les films, la littérature.
On est allé au Louvre, j'ai vu ces peintures, avec ces corps entrelacés, Josephine se mariant à Napoleon, j'ai vu les photos de ma copine avec son copain accrochées au mur, de partout, j'ai regardé avec elle The Notebook, et j'ai pensé devant tout ça, à chaque fois :" qu'est ce que ça doit être agréable, d'aimer ". Aimer aimer quelqu'un si fort comme ça, au point de vouloir l'appeler tous les soirs, d'avoir sa photo partout, de fusionner comme ça.
Je l'ai presque ressenti, ça m'a touché. Et j'ai compris ce que ça devait faire.
Puis, ce sentiment est parti comme il est venu mais en laissant un trou dans ma poitrine. La légèreté du moment est devenue un poids. Un vide, une solitude.
J'ai envie d'aimer fort. Mais voilà, ça n'arrive pas un beau matin, il faut attendre. Il y a un espèce de plaisir dans l'attente je crois mais surtout de la douleur de ne pas partager ce sentiment incroyable.

Petite pensée triste du dimanche soir, si vous êtes arrivé au bout de ce long pavé, merci à vous et je vous souhaite, si vous galérez comme moi, de trouver l'amour ;)

so, today is my best friend's birthday, and some people (including me and my boyfriend, who also got invited even if he isn't close to my best friend) went to her house to celebrate.

it was an awesome day! we had karaoke and nice food, played, laughed, and had a lot of fun!

my best friend was really happy to receive us, and I was obviously really happy to see her! it's her 17 birthday (I am 18), so due to her being a minor, I do not feel like posting a picture of me and her together here. but we still took a lot of photos together, of course!

the pic above is of me and my boyfriend. he was teaching me how to play pool, and honestly it's hard... but I really appreciate his patience towards me! that photo was taken by my best friend, and honestly we didn't even see she was taking it lol. but now it's one of my favorite photos <3

my other friends are also so funny to talk to! they brought some airsoft guns, and it seems like we all need to train our aiming lol.

I hope to have more days like this one: close to the people I love, laughing and having fun, cuz all my friends and my boyfriend are what brings me joy everyday! :)

I'm extremely grateful to all of them and very happy to have them all with me <333

I have learned so much throughout my life. I have searched for answers, tried to overcome my ego, studied religion, and questioned the very nature of my existence. I have spent so much time trying to understand the meaning of life,searching for something that would make sense of it all. Yet, nothing has ever given me a greater sense of meaning than what I have found in you.
When we come together, when we kiss, when we laugh, when we melt into one another, these are all physical expressions of something far greater than the physical itself. They are moments we can touch, feel and experience, yet the thing that gives them meaning is something we cannot see, measure or prove exists. And somehow, it feels more real than anything else in this world.
Perhaps that is what makes it so extraordinary. The physical world is what we see, but the love we feel is what gives it meaning. There is something beyond the actions themselves, something that lives in the why rather than the what. A kiss is just a kiss, a laugh is just a laugh, and two people holding each other is just a physical act. But when there is something deeper behind those moments, they become so much more. They become little glimpses of something we may never fully understand, but somehow know to be real.
You remind me that there may be something greater than ourselves. Something we cannot explain, but can experience.
Because when we found each other, when everything just seemed to click into place, it didn’t feel like something I had consciously made happen. It felt as though, for once, I wasn’t searching for answers or trying to make sense of the world. I was simply witnessing something beautiful unfold in front of me. As though something that had always been there had finally found its way into my life.

It felt like being swept up in a sudden gust of magical wind, something completely beyond my control, something that took us both off our feet and brought us together in a way neither of us could have planned. And for a moment, I couldn’t help but wonder whether some things in life are not meant to be figured out, but simply felt.
I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know where life will take us or what challenges we may face along the way. But I do know that I want to keep choosing joy. I want to keep growing, keep learning, and keep trying to be the person you fell in love with. Not because I can promise to be perfect, but because what we have makes me want to be the best version of myself.
And more than anything, I hope you never lose that beautiful essence of yours. That light, that spirit, that something so uniquely you that I fell in love with. The very thing that made me feel as though I had stumbled upon something extraordinary without ever knowing I was looking for it.
Because in a world where I have spent so much of my life searching for meaning, you have given me something I never could have found simply by searching.

You have given me something to feel.
And somehow, that has taught me more about life than all the answers I ever tried to find.

Bécquer, a romantic Spanish poet, is well known for this ephemeral piece of writing, in which he expresses the following:

"Sighs are air and go to the air. Tears are water and go to the sea. Tell me, woman: when love is forgotten, do you know where it goes?"

The poem, apart from seeming beautiful to me, captivated me to reflect. However, the more I turn it over in my mind, the more contradictory the idea sounds to me that love, or in its case, a love, can be forgotten—except for unfortunate particulars such as suffering from Alzheimer's—.

It is possible and normal that the feeling that once burned for someone at a certain point should turn to ashes. Nevertheless, the fact that the wood or fuel of past relationships has been consumed does not eliminate the capacity to start new flames.

Likewise, we do not forget how to kindle those new fires because we never finish forgetting everything that burned for-with-in us in the past. We do not forget any love, because every love is unique, and, if it truly was love, it will always occupy a place, not necessarily in our heart, which often goes out for long periods, but in our mind in the form of longed-for memories.

I am not a woman, but I would like to respond to Bécquer's question: I know only one love that is forgotten, and it is the one that lies among the dead, but the memory of a true love in life is immovable because it never perishes.

# One Year Later: Eating My Grandmother's Prasadam Without Her

Yesterday was my Ammama's Samvatsarikam. One year since she left us.

The rituals went smoothly. There were the usual hiccups that happen when a large family gathers, but everything remained under control.

As I stood there watching everything unfold, I felt like Sanjay from the Mahabharata. Present. Watching. Absorbing. But somehow detached from my own emotions because they were too overwhelming to fully process.

People came from every branch of the family.

Srikanth represented Ammama's brother's family. Srinu came representing another branch. Vinayak Rao Tataji and his wife attended. Chinnu Mama and Vasa Mama brought stories and memories of Bhel Tataji and Ammama with them. Bokaro Nanamma and Tataji came, along with Rambabu Pedananna. Reddigaru and his wife came. Lakshmi Dodda and her sisters Aruna and Nagu ate her prasadam and took sarees home in her memory.

Babu Mama came with his family. Ramana Chinnanna, Maruti and Sharada were there. Bada Mama came with Sushma Atta. Vidya Atta's brother Ramani and his wife Ratna came. Atin desperately wanted to attend but had commitments that could potentially alter the course of his career.

Aruna Pedananna came too. He almost had to. Years ago, Reddigarrillu was a home for their family when his daughter was carrying. Standing there yesterday, I found myself thinking that Reddigarrillu itself deserves happiness again.

Not another condolence gathering.

Not another mourning ceremony.

Just laughter.

Children running around.

Fresh paint.

Fresh memories.

New life.

Enough grief.

That house has carried enough grief for several lifetimes.

---

There is a saying:

> A person dies twice.

 >

 > First when their body dies.

 >

 > Then when the last person who remembers their name dies.

Looking around that room yesterday, I realized Ammama is nowhere near that second death.

She was everywhere.

In conversations.

In recipes.

In habits.

In stories.

In family politics.

In memories.

An entire hall full of people had gathered because one woman mattered.

Not because she was famous.

Not because she was powerful.

But because she loved people deeply.

And they loved her back.

---

The food was fantastic.

Everyone agreed.

The entire meal felt blessed.

While eating, I found myself thinking:

"Ammama would have approved."

Maybe grief makes us irrational.

I don't care.

---

Then came the part that broke me.

Eating her prasadam.

Growing up, that used to be our thing.

We would attend other people's Samvatsarikams. Sit through rituals. Eat. Talk. Come home.

Not once in all those years did it occur to me that someday I would sit at hers.

I knew she would die one day.

Every grandchild knows that.

But I always felt that day was impossibly far away.

The kind of thing future-me would deal with.

Not me.

Not now.

---

When Tataji passed away, I mourned him.

But Ammama's death hit differently.

Deeper.

More primitive.

More cellular.

Her loss somehow feels woven into my DNA.

As if something fundamental that helped make me who I am simply vanished.

Maybe that's because she wasn't just family.

She was routine.

She was home.

She was background noise.

She was certainty.

And we only understand how valuable certainty is when it disappears.

---

Even today, one year later, there are mornings when I wake up and for one fleeting second I forget she is gone.

One second.

Just one.

My half-awake brain expects to see her in the kitchen.

Making coffee.

Moving around the house.

Existing.

Then reality catches up.

And every single morning I lose her all over again.

---

What I miss isn't the grand moments.

I miss the stupid things.

The coffee.

God, I miss the coffee.

The sandwiches.

The bobbattu.

The prayers.

The smell of agarbatti in the morning.

The lunch boxes that somehow packed themselves before I even remembered I needed one.

The unsolicited advice.

The lectures.

The complaints.

The way she would disapprove of things I did and somehow still make me feel loved while doing it.

Nobody has nagged me with that level of commitment since.

---

So much of my childhood now feels like her standing somewhere in the background.

Not asking for recognition.

Not drawing attention to herself.

Just quietly holding the world together.

Making sure everyone ate.

Making sure everyone was remembered.

Making sure everyone stayed connected.

The older I get, the more I realize she wasn't doing ordinary things.

She was carrying an entire ecosystem.

---

And that's another grief nobody talks about.

When she died, an entire library died.

A walking archive.

A database of relationships.

Family stories.

Connections.

Grudges.

Kindnesses.

Histories.

Who helped whom.

Who was related to whom.

How one branch of the family connected to another.

Why certain people mattered.

She carried all of that effortlessly.

The younger generation thinks knowledge lives online.

The most important knowledge never does.

It lives inside elders.

And I know that with her passing, some of that knowledge will slowly disappear.

Not because anyone failed.

Not because nobody cares.

But because every family eventually loses its historians.

She was ours.

---

A few days before her Samvatsarikam, divorce papers arrived from the legal representatives of my wife and her parents.

The timing felt surreal.

Almost exactly one year after losing one of the most important women in my life, another important chapter formally ended.

And if I'm being brutally honest, I was hurt by something small.

I thought someone from that side of my life would at least acknowledge her passing.

A message.

A condolence.

A simple "sorry for your loss."

Nothing came.

And in that silence I learnt something painful.

Some people are truly gone from your life long before the paperwork arrives.

That realization hurt more than I expected.

---

People say time heals.

I'm not sure it does.

I think time teaches adaptation.

A year ago I was grieving her death.

Today I am grieving her absence.

The shock is gone.

The disbelief is gone.

But the absence remains.

Stubbornly.

Quietly.

Permanently.

---

Caesar brings joy into our home now.

He really does.

That little dog has single-handedly increased the happiness levels of our household.

But some spaces cannot be filled.

Not by another person.

Not by another pet.

Not by another year passing.

Some people are irreplaceable.

You don't replace them.

You carry them.

---

The rational part of me knows she had a good passing.

No prolonged suffering.

No devastating illness.

No years spent trapped in a failing body.

If this were someone else's story, I would call it a blessing.

But grief and logic speak entirely different languages.

My heart still asks questions my head cannot answer.

Why couldn't you stay a little longer?

Why couldn't I know which coffee would be the last coffee?

Which sandwich would be the last sandwich?

Which visit would be the last visit?

Why didn't I listen more carefully the last time I heard your voice?

---

According to tradition, after a year the soul completes its journey and joins the ancestors.

Maybe that's true.

I hope it's true.

Because if anyone has earned her rest, it is you.

You spent your entire life taking care of everyone else.

Maybe now it's somebody else's turn to take care of you.

---

I love you, Ammama.

I loved you when you were here.

I love you now that you're gone.

And I suspect I'll love you until the day someone writes a post like this about me.

Wherever you are, I hope the coffee is perfect.

I hope the bobbattu is fresh.

I hope you've already reorganized heaven's kitchen.

And I hope you know that one year later, your grandson still wakes up some mornings looking for you.

For context, I'm a brown Indian American male and my wife is a pale-as-the-driven-snow Irish American woman. We had both seen this just fucking amazing takedown of a fascist by Abdul el-Sayed, me while patting a kid to bed and she on her phone in the bedroom. Over text, we gush over the talking points, the delivery, the use of history, and even wondered aloud how often this has come up for it to be honest to this point. I finally free myself from the tyranny of the tiny (kids, man), and return to the bedroom. In the few minutes it took me to get downstairs, I found myself reading my wife's most amazing, foul-mouthed, strange, wonderful internal monologue (move over, Mike Flanagan!) of the villain, the Tommy, the Christian, the asshole of this video that one could ever imagine with perverse glee....

I married this woman for her mind, her mouth, and her magic, in that order. I'm dying and cackling with laughter as I walk-in, and she looks up at me. At a pause in my laughter, she says, "He's hot too! Looks like you, thinks like you, talks like you, totally hot!"

I mean, yeah, she wants him to be successful, and immediately put him on her "list," and I guess some husbands might feel jealous or something.... Me, I just felt complimented.

Abdul el-Sayed

I’m thankful for all the moments that love shows up. I know that I haven’t had the best of luck when it comes to relationships but one thing I can appreciate about love is that it doesn’t just show up in relationships. It’s literally everywhere. Sometimes it just takes a brief moment to look around you and pay attention. It’s been a while since my last relationship and I haven’t opened myself to dating, but honestly, love for me hasn’t skipped a beat. I appreciate the love I receive from family, friends, and lately strangers too. Sometimes the moments of love are loud, and others are so subtle that if you’re moving too quickly or are too occupied by other things you miss the subtlety. I may not be in a relationship and it may take another while before I get the chance at one again, but love still exists, and I appreciate every moment I get to experience it.

Love is such a beautiful thing. After years of figuring out who I am and what I deserve, I found someone who makes life feel lighter, safer, and more exciting. I’m marrying my best friend in a year, and I still can’t believe I get to spend forever with someone I love this much. ❤️