Today my little friend made a big step toward a major goal. I’m so proud and completely elated that I was there to see it and not still sick.

I’m celebrating with a smoke now, and as I write that, I do feel a healthy dose of shame in it. Maybe if I journal when I do it and admit to it, I’ll develop an ick and finally quit! I like that goal. I’m going to really try this time.

This is a nice way to really think some thoughts, I don’t know why it’s been so long since I’ve done something like this. I hope I can make this a habit too- how cool would it be to have a whole record of memories and experiences? I think that’s one of the things I miss about being so active on social media and losing my old accounts. It’s like there’s just this void of so many years of my 20s that are just undocumented and my memory is not as strong as it should be for a person of my age. Probably because of the smoking.

Today I am in a really happy state. I find myself feeling more mature in a sense, I felt insecurity creeping in this morning and I was able to just be okay with it and remind myself that I’m creating a reality that didn’t exist just because one colleague didn’t say good morning to me. That’s okay, and my day wasn’t any worse for it, and I knew it wouldn’t be even in that moment. It was like I ascended into some grand understanding that things are FINE for the very first time in my life. I was able to actually shut down the anxiety! What! When did I unlock this perk?!? I don’t know, but thinking more on it, I’m even more excited because that is such a big deal!

I’m probably manic right now, but I need to have evidence of this moment and feeling that is so real right now:

I am proud of myself today. Today, I showed off who I am and I did a really good job at work. I have grown so much already, and I am going to continue. Right now, I do not wish I was anyone else. Today, I have done my best and I feel absolutely wonderful for that. Days like today are the reason I want to be here, and I have earned my joy today.

My wife is working and I am so proud of them. This is the start of our first big step into finally getting on our feet. Full time work! With our combined income, we can qualify for a place! I don’t care where at this point, but it will be amazing to get out of my parents house!

To do list:

- Get a dumpster

- Clean this place out and start packing

- Apply for apartments

- Start paying my mother back for the car

- Get a wedding ring upgrade for my wife because I think I got scammed with the one I ordered.

- Get cat pee smell out of a space? My cat is having some struggles and the diapers have not been successful and I need to know how to expunge this scent when I move because otherwise my mom will be calling me screaming whenever she catches a whiff and I do not want to make her life worse which that would and of course that’s the bigger reason.

Hey, let’s chill and not spiral, it’s all good. One day at a time and today is Good Day™️

Forget me not,

Sky

Sometimes I wonder if there is a happy ending for me. There are so many people in my family that dont have a happy ending, and nowadays I wonder if its worth it to keep going towards a happy ending, or to end it before I waste my time trying to reach a happy ending that was never going to be there in the first place. Life fucking sucks, and I keep going thinking "its going to get better" but it isn't. It isn't getting better, it isn't even settling down. They say "when it rains, it pours" but holy shit, its poured my whole fucking life.

The people in my life who make me happy die one after another, and life just gets so exhausting the more I realize that I will continue to lose people and ill have to keep finding new people. Life in general feels so exhausting. Nothing makes me happy, and that makes me sad. And everything makes me mad. Im in a constant state of anger. I force myself in anger management practices, but then I have no outlet for my anger, which then turns to hate. Its never hate towards the outside world, its always hate towards myself. I hate myself so much.

And then I come back to the beginning. Is it worth it to live a life where I know there isn't a happy ending. One where i will spend mlmy life hating myself and being angry all the time, never finding a moment of sunshine in the constant dreary rain that pours through my life, settling myself in constant grief and anxiety.

So many things got me excited today and it makes being alone so much easier having the things I love get new life. I think I’m getting sick sadly which sucks but hopefully it won’t be too bad. I’ve had food poisoning multiple times and that’s hell compared to most anything I’ve experienced in terms of sickness haha. Wish me luck

Their entire lives are a mess, the best they ever did career wise is to become an English teacher in a foreign country with an Okayish salary. Not even a subject matter expert in any field. They have My mother’s old work. They live in shitty places while barely saving money, Others live shitty lives while being forever alone.

They aren’t the cream of the crop. Other people in there don’t really have anything. Why did I think they were great people? why was I so obsessed with thinking wow they are so amazing. Why did I hang out with them? Why?! Why did I care?!

Ive been the biggest idiot. I wasn’t in the position to think they were above me. I literally am richer than all of them combined. I was probably the only one who own multiple homes in there. The one with the longest, strong, solid relationship. The one with the potential to become an actual multimillionaire, not just a millionaire.

Why did I think they were in any way above me?

Why was I so nice to them? Biggest wake up call.

They mean nothing.

I don’t know how to fix it or myself

I ended up going on a walk with my sister tonight. I was dressed up in my dad’s clothes. She was filming TikTok’s and got a bunch of notifications asking who the man in the background of her video was.

Turns out everyone mistook me for a guy and thought that I was beating her too since her lip looked busted. Dang it.

To be honest I like pretending to be a man, mostly online though. It’s fun. Being bound to a single identity is boring.

No one understands me, so sad. They all think I’m dumb. I try to be understanding and empathetic to others but no one ever returns the favor. So sad.

I have so many pimples on my face, I can’t help but pop them. Everyone tells me to stop but I really can’t bring myself to care.

I keep daydreaming about married life, maybe I should put myself out there more. I don’t get along with anyone though, not even as friends.

Not much going on today, Sunny all day and nice. Took off today, I pulled a muscle in my back Monday afternoon and it has been giving me a time. Hurts like hell. Feels like just now it may be improving.

My daughter came by this afternoon and it was good to see her. Mia is having her dinner now and I'll fix mine in a few minutes Had the other tank filled today, so that's taken care of.

The strange phone calls started again yesterday morning and all day today. Idk what there meant to say but I ignore them best I can. I do have voice mail, call sometime and say hello. Will be good to say hey.

Street theater today

Most likely an action by the local police as they often pull those out here and I am fully use to them no matter what play they pick. There getting better at it as today attested. Although it was nice sitting in the sun with Mia this afternoon. That I did enjoy and the warmth of the sun and it's always welcome. Back to work tomorrow hopeful. So nice sitting out there, warm and peaceful. It's the only place in the front yard that gets the warm afternoon Sun, it's great.

Could not sleep last night, whatever way I laid down the muscle would stretch and cause pain. Hope to God it's not like that tonight.

I am going in here to fix dinner. Close with Love and Hope

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love you so

143

7:26 p.m.

There have been times when I've lost all interest in the things I love. The very things that have carried me through each passing day.

Sometimes, life's events and emotions come crashing down like an avalanche, burying me beneath their weight and leaving my conscience paralyzed.

And yet, somehow, it eventually awakens.

Slowly, it regains control. But rather than scolding me for the time I've lost, it meets me with tenderness. It acknowledges the heaviness I've been carrying, allows me to feel what I've been feeling, and urges me to get back up.

Little by little, it begins reintroducing me to the things I once loved, as though gently reminding me of the person I was before the avalanche...

To plait golden arm hairs on the sunniest day of the week
With your clammy palm flush against my cheek
- All lighthearted things you do that make mine twist
Without space I’ll deface our relationship -
I’ll meet you in the water, where you look so so perfect
when you know I could never say no to you
but not that I remember which cards you wrote you loved me in
and that you are the most cohesively beautiful one I know
any undesirable thing about you is perfected in my eyes
to think I see you the way god was supposed to,
had he not forbidden this long before I worshipped you.

Really sucks when it's something I'm supposed to have gotten over. But trauma always takes years of reliving in my dreams to process...

Therapy hit hard today.

I've lived my whole life dissociated to varying degrees. Most of the time, I had no real emotions beyond essentially feeling stressed. They were there, I just wasn't allowed to notice.

When I look back on my life, do you know what I've actually felt? I can't tell you. I can't describe the pain.

Do you know what it's like to watch yourself have sex with someone while you're screaming in terror and disgust but "you" don't listen? I now do.

Every time I objected. I wanted none of it. The first time I felt curious and it ended awkwardly but every time after I wanted to run away. I felt sick, used, and discarded. It was all wrong. It never should have been any of them. My body knew that but it just kept going.

I'm supposed to be thankful to my brain for keeping me alive. But at what cost? Why did it have me do those things? Dopamine maintenance? Trying to figure out the monster? It tried to keep others and me safe, I get it but... FUCK!

The more I take inventory of my cuts, the more I am beginning to think: maybe I didn't make it out alive after all.

Warning, excessive use of quotes

First of all, I have never in my life been able to "write my feelings", "journal" or any of the soup de jour of "expressing" my feelings.

I'm 69, I've tried every which way but loose, (Clint Eastwood reference) to follow all the techniques to "let go" of storm inside my mind. I'd list them all, but I don't think its relevant.

I have analyzed myself to the brink as to why I have failed. Its a whole other post about me failing at life. I have realized that its pointless to write about anything when no one is listening.

I have never believed in an entity that is invisible and omniscient so to me, what was the point of writing, it never went anywhere.

Here, though, there is a chance someone is looking and maybe validating this release of the built up words in my head

I like to think of myself as a decent guy. But what im about to say might reveal otherwise. I like to think that I respect women. If I dont know your name, you are Miss or Ma'am to me. I will always open the door for you. I have not and will not ever cat call you. If I ever see you struggling to lift something, I will politely ask if you need assistance. And I am fully aware that 100% of the female population has had a bad experience with the male species and I dont want to ever make you uncomfortable. If im walking behind you on a sidewalk lll cross the street so you dont fear or have anxiety about me. Ill do the same if its any other situation that might make you tense that i'm close in proximity to you so I make it known im not a threat. I'm actively scanning surroundings if you're by yourself and will 100% act accordingly if another man approaches you or does anything to make you uncomfortable. I am on your side.

**sigh**   but when I see your ass in tight yoga pants.....OH MY FUCKING GOD DO I WANT TO BEND YOU OVER YOUR KITCHEN TABLE, RIP THOSE DOWN AND EAT YOU FROM THE BACK.

I am so sorry. I am weak. You look amazing. THAT ASS. Good for you.

I dont know what to write but I feel like I need to.

They put a tube in you after surgery to drain stuff the body makes while healing, and while I'm grateful for the medical advancement, I can't sleep on my right side like I normally do 🥺 My back is killing me lol. I'll get it out in one week is just annoying 😑.

I still can't believe I lost weight too fast to kill my gallbladder. I need to make sure I don't lose more then 2 pounds per week but then it's going to take forever! Ugh.

I want to be the full and real me when I meet him again. He deserves me at my best, seeing me in my mess is embarrassing but also kinda poetic? After everything I've been through, him finding me with my face in the dirt still trying to make it back and he tells me I made it. Or we're both just crawling towards each other after the 20 year war we survived; two soldiers finding each other in the wreckage. As romantic as that would be, they usually leads to us not being able to be there even ourselves. So it looks like we'd be meeting as healed adults if we meet again. Maybe my memoir will be a hit and he'll show up at a signing at the very end ages right when I finish I look up and see himfa fair distance away age he holds up the book and asks, "Time for one more?"

I'm such a romantic 😅. I'm still deciding how he was about grand gestures. He was so different with me so it's hard to parse memories. He was so shy and reserved but with me he literally was the opposite. Clomping down the stairs above my classroom on the ground floor, he ran down while I just saw the top of his head bobbing down over the railing and he jumped around the railing, landed in a crouch of sorts looked me right in the eye like he had his target locked sprinted at me, stopped abruptly right in front of me and calmly asks, "Ready to go?" And a big smile grew on both of our faces.

I dont know, I feel like when he gets to be himself he has golden retriever energy. I wonder if they version of him is still intact. What's he like now? I shouldn't speculate because that will lead to me analyzing things again. Don't want to do that.

So I change topic! I have therapy today. My godmother sent pictures and I look at her so differently. She never looked at me in any of them. She went "no hands" while newborn me looked terrified. She used me as a prop. I see a mother, not a mom. She loved the title, not me, not really. So I am sad. I feel like any kind of love connecting us has been severed. She was not family. My brother either. No family. I'm so glad I got to feel what real love felt like. I just miss it now. But that's ok! There's a big world out there and my whole life ahead of me. I'm free.

No more darkness. No more pain. No more monster.

No more poisoned connections. Just me and infinite possibility.

Wow. Look at what I've stepped out of. I was supposed to die in there. Yeah I'm cut up, but my heart is beating, and I'm smiling.

Let's do this.

I just really really wanna be alone....I wanna push everyone away...be by myself and think until I understand. Am I burnt out? Why do I suddenly feel so disconnected from everyone. I look at people I love and feel no emotions. I just wanna leave....leave myself behind, and find the new me somewhere else.

CONTEXT= He loves me, i also love him soo much but I can't express anylove and I have no attachment from him even if he leaves me I will not feel anything what is happening to me ?

So today we had a fight over very small thing according to me but for him it was so big he cry, he is type of guy who has not cried for 5 years but for me in these months he has started cry frequently like in argument or sometimes when he thinks he is losing me or I am changing into another type of person , so we had a fight over a story and post that previously I used to put something like pic, or gift he has given any chocolate flowers or I wrote his name or some couple type and screenshot of his cute or good behaviour or words thing in almost every story and post of mine , but today I posted 2 post of Durga Pooja and many stories and in durga Pooja he has given me lotus and also worshiped me like goddess but I haven't posted anything idk why , he fought i said u re doing like a kid don't expect from me these things , he wasnt expecting u always treated me this way , that was bare minimum u used to do. That was right because previously I used to do this in every single story or posts , I said him I love you but I can't express and also i have no attachment from you because of past mistakes he did that affected me very very bad inshort worst , but from 1 year he is type of guy people call those green forest like that he cares for me he help me to study small things he notice but I nowdays don't care , he was sick today I just ignored him but if I was sick he would have online ordered. Medicine chocolate flowers , talk to me even he is in bad mood he will take my health priority over anything in this world but I don't do any of these, Did i fell out of love ? Ps- we have been long distance rs from 3 years , he is gonna come to me in few months will it sort out ? Will I become old me who used to love him express him and be attach? He cried today even I told him don't smoke and he left for me but today he smoked , he don't tell me his issue , but ik he is struggling from so much issue I can't tell I have started just don't show anything no interest anything please tell me help me I don't want to break up I want to fix everything

Another dollar another thought another moment another time…because that’s reality

When I die, a mother will cry for her son, a father will grieve his loss, a sister will mourn her brother. Maybe some classmates or friends will be shocked or surprised by the unexpected loss of a connection, but who will miss me? Each one of them is sad about the concept of losing a friend or family member, but no one will truly care about me, because simply, none of them knew me. So how can they love me or miss me?

When I die, I can imagine people crying, but not for me. They are just crying for their loss. That is why one of the few wishes I have, and most probably the most unrealistic and selfish one, is that when I die, I would really love it to rain as if the sky were sad for me, as if the clouds missed me, as if I were known and remembered.

I want the moon to hide and never show his face that day. And even though I know that the moon is beautiful because he knows but doesn't care about us, I really want him to care for that day. Only one day will be enough. I want him to be so sad that he can't show up in the sky and be beautiful for others' eyes.

Is that so selfish to ask?

Did I just forget to mention that I'm doing theatre as well? Welp, I'm doing theatre and this sunday it's the day we do our play, and it's being the only thing that's bringing me to life this past few months.

It's a play about a family who has a lot of artistic talents, every member is good at something.

The play goes like this,

A kid (the protagonist, the youngest of the family) finds some sort of magical rocks, that have the ability to transport the people who touches them to a dream state where everyone can let there feelings go and create something on their respective passion.

So there are many scenes were people fall asleep and when they "wake up" they encounter an animal spirit that represents their talent, the doubts behind it, and also their dreams.

I'm the main character. This kid has a revelation were a butterfly tells him he is a painter, and that he needs to tell everyone that artists are the mediators between fantasy and reality. So I have to paint, while performing.

This play has a lot of different performances, I do aerial hoop at the beginning scene, other people do trapeze, silks, pole dance, sing, play instruments, dance and we do a lot cool stuff. I feel at home when I have the chance to do art, and I'm beginning to comprehend that cannot do anything else besides art, and that's making me miserable.

Why did I have to be the artist? Why not a mathematician? A scientist? Someone with a bright future, who can pay the bills, who can actually work a 9-to-5 job.

I feel like I'm delusional, I resonate to much with my role, and I don't know if I can continue to be this delusional.