I can't live like this forever, but I can't do it any other way.

And no, it's not bad. I have friends (2 wonderful people, who I probably don't deserve). But I'm not sure if they're for long, because after my breakdowns, the only people left with me so far are my family. And no, it's not that the breakdowns happen too often. No. But there are some buts.

Although disruptions are not always necessary. Sometimes it is enough just not to hide all the problems, being a function. And you can think that they are simply not my people. Maybe that is so, although they were those with whom I was calm.

Calm... What I feel instead of joy. What I call pleasure. What I call "good".

But I'm not always calm. I'm calm only when I'm used to it. And "used to" is fatigue, being alone or with a close circle of friends. Sometimes, when the fatigue becomes such that I can't think, I'm calm all the time. Although no. Not like that. Then I just don't care about anything. Literally everything. Even my family.

I'm just glad there's no apathy. And, I'm not sure, there's no anhedonia. Why not? I don't get pleasure as such. Only peace. And if I stop doing it, nothing will change.

But what annoys me the most, even though I'm used to it, is the burning sensation in my chest, because something is missing. I feel empty.

Waking up, I smell crisp autumn air coming in through my window. Chirps and pitter-patters ping my ears. Cat, finely-tuned to my movements, comes to my door asking for food.

Comforter, soft and squishy, tickles every point of contact when I stretch and maneuver into an upright position.

I inhale my first intentional breath of the new day.

Today. What will happen? Let's see what you've got.

Things I’ve thought about but never addressed or asked if it was normal to feel or not feel. Maybe it’s something deeper or maybe I’m just an oddball. I can’t tell and that kinda scares me a bit cause I don’t understand. I get overwhelmed easily and can’t react or see things the way others see them or feel things as easily or clearly as others do. I don’t get it and it’s making me think it’s something deeper than it is or maybe I need to see a doctor, psychologist or therapist. Nobody around me really cares I guess especially given my age but I wish I had one person who probably wouldn’t call me crazy or think I’m weird for suggesting these things.

Got to work early today. With a new sense of purpose. Full of someone else’s joie de vivre. Time to show my worth. Had another look at the formal warning in my inbox. Such bullshit. I don’t need this.

There are plenty of other jobs. Ones closer to home. Ones with managers I can tolerate. Better yet, no manager. It’s about time I was leading again. I opened a job site and found a decent-looking hybrid role that promised a flat hierarchy and gentle onboarding.

Seemed like a decent place to start. Clicked through to apply. Uploaded my CV. Made the font bigger. Improved my education by dropping the Brookes after Oxford. Then it asked me to re-enter all my work experience.

For fuck’s sake.

The office was cold. They’ve decided it’s still summer and haven’t turned the heating on yet. There was no milk in the pantry either, so I tried a black coffee. Bitter. Might start drinking it like that. I bet James Bond drinks it black. 

Opened up another job posting. Then another. One mentioned “stakeholder mapping”, which sounds a bit like urban hunting. My news feed had an article about a man with an artificial heart. It whooshes blood around the body rather than beating. Fewer moving parts means fewer things can break.

But he has no pulse.

A Slack message popped up from Jadyn.

Half twelve Monday still good? 🌵 is looking forward to coming home.

Wouldn’t miss it. Tell him to pack light.

She reacted with a laughing face. Wonder what she has on a fry-up. She seemed sensible about sandwich construction, so presumably no beans. Hope she doesn't put avocado on it.

Someone arrived with milk to great applause. They can keep it. Black coffee or no coffee. Went back to the job search and edited my cover letter. Made it worse.

If your heart doesn’t beat, how do you know you’re not about to die?

In the afternoon, there was a meeting about targets. Someone presented slides while I counted my heartbeats. Is it normal for it to skip? At the end, the boss asked for my thoughts. I said, “Go back to basics. Review what isn’t working before we start adding more.”

He said I was right. Then he asked me to help lead a review team. Not surprising. Despite the warning, he knows what I’m capable of. He’s scared to lose me.

Filled out a few more job applications anyway.  One wanted a personal statement of no more than 500 words. I gave them 312 perfect ones.

Clocked off at half three and walked home imagining the whoosh of blood in my chest. Had penne arrabbiata for dinner. Something I saw Tim Lovejoy eat on Sunday Brunch.

Went to bed early and read Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Underlined a few bits I’d change.

Thud. Thud. Thud.

Still alive.

Playing soccer for 3 years from now but i havent saw a improvement in the game , its my dream to become a pro . I have gained weight , my arms are very thin , yet i still find a excuse to not work hard. I have every equipment cones,football,a lot of jerseys but why my brain just want to live in the comfort zone. I also have a gooning addiction which adds up to the excuses. I am quitting it for the love of the game.

positive Things just happen everyday, and I don’t know how to share the joys with people that may be there. Everyone’s lives are different. glamorous life might be similar to a prison, and i don’t look down on anyone.

I like to humble those who look down on other people.

all professions should be respected. although one may be feeling special about themselves, time is better spent elsewhere because are we really fighting over scraps that no one even wants;

cost of living may be through the roof and so are the taxes, so unless you’re in politics or work for top position in AI companies with 30 years of experience currently, it doesn’t matter what you do for a living. forget prestige, truly.

I’ve picked up a novel when I feel like dillydallying; I’ve looked at new phrases in other languages when I need to waste my time arguing with strangers. they can fight all day long, while I will spend my time doing more interesting things such as writing a journal to no one.

I hate that I miss you. I hate that I think of you every single day. I hate that I know if you came to my door I would crumble to pieces. I hate that your blanket is still on my bed. I hate that your soap is still in my shower. I hate that I have our photo still on my fridge. I hate how my body felt the last time I saw you. I hate how I felt to see you wave to me like I was just some acquaintance. I hate that you are still one of my emergency contacts. I hate that your are still listed as a beneficiary. I hate that I placed you on a pedestal. I hate that you were and still are my safe space. I hate that I miss adventuring with you. I hate that I miss all of our little inside jokes. I hate that our friendship was was something so easy for you to dismiss. I hate that your sister told me that you wish I'd wait for you. I hate that I feel so used hearing you felt I was ready to manipulate. I hate that I'm left wondering if anything you said to me was true. I hate wondering if you ever even loved me. I hate that I feel like I don't know you at all. I hate that I know you don't miss me or think of me like i do you. I hate that I'm still sitting here loving you still every single day. I hate that I don't hate you at all. 🖤

(Like, complete and utter strangers)

So now the question is how many more dudes do you stalk?…

Ok, maybeeeeee the around 9 months ago the looming a A’s instagram, and the odd and weird connection that is just a coincidence being her friend and your ex… oddly enough A hasn’t talked to that friend in around 5 months… since around Memorial Day. Right after… I’m curious if you followed As friend or, literally only followed A to stalk on your ex before me… idk, then you throw in that revealing display you put on today when all this was talked about. Like wow, the acting been so good most of the time. That part of today however… the mask fell so far off I almost got to see your real face. It was an actual enjoyable treat. Just a, impossible for anyone to ignore, level of coincidences. Make your stance on the whole. “Never ask me questions and just believe me blindly” stance you tried to defend today. Still no hate from me. But gah you continue to keep up the charade. I’m literally here at this point to see big your level of gaslighting will continue to grow. Knowing it, is just still a bit hard, but so very revealing and healing for me. I do still feel bad for my wrong doings but you are a piece of work for how you use them. I hope you are just doing this in this case for some reason and don’t actually act like this towards someone you actually care about, I really do hope that. Get better.

i feel fucking awful. loneliest i've felt in ages. i feel like i'm locked away in a dark room never to be found again. nobody knows me. nobody sees me. i am no one. i am nothing.

everyone is awful in their own special way. it makes me sick. it makes me really really sick.

i wasn't meant to live an ordinary life at all. it should have been worse. my whole life should have been a whole lot worse.

survivor's guilt, i guess. i really feel like i avoided something awful.

wonder what it was.

Today I saw a old women by herself on a bench,she held a staff and a green umbrella. The courage to go and sit with her just to hear why she was alone is what I kept thinking . I left with out ever saying anything. Now I know I can't sleep cause I'm the person to want to be there for people , It felt like a sign. Will the universe ever forgive me or am I over thinking this?

I had no confidence and I'm suppose to see my grandma in a few weeks is another thing ,can someone help clarify this enormous bother

Well, things feel like they're on an upswing now... So, now I'm wondering when the disaster will occur. It's inevitable. It'll feel peaceful for a time, it's like everything will be falling into place, I guess. Then something will occur, that wrench will get thrown, hard as fuck. I'm just waiting to see what gets screwed up...

Little Guy went on a class trip to a pumpkin patch. I received pictures; he looks like he had a blast. He brought home this tiny white pumpkin, as well as a seed which he helped plant this evening. He keeps asking why it hasn't grown yet... He didn't like being told that it'll take some months. That boy has no patience 😂 After dinner, he wanted to do some math in one of his workbooks. We did a couple of pages, and he kept saying how he loves math. He's catching on really fast. His reading gets better by the day too. That boy is smart... So very proud of him.

I think I'm giving up with this little crush, or whatever. It's not gonna go anywhere. I'm too scared to try talking to him, and honestly I'm confused by him. One day it'll feel like he's maybe interested. Another day, he'll hide. I'm just going to try to keep my distance.

Haven't spoken to A in maybe a week or so. He hasn't tried to call, text, anything. I've thought about calling him tonight, but... I'm just tired of being the only one trying. Doesn't seem like he cares anymore. I still get upset about him... I still wish I knew what went wrong. But I can't dwell on it. I have to keep moving. Keep improving. Maybe sometime down the road, in a better place, we'll be able to meet again.

My legs feel like they got beaten... Got a heck of a workout today. But I kind of enjoyed it. So glad it's almost Friday though.

TV or earbuds, haven't decided yet...

Sleep well.

to feel deeply is to become vulnerable to suffering.
but who am i without it?

Today was supposed to be a lazy Thursday, and honestly? It delivered.

I woke up late, briefly considered being productive, went back to sleep, and then discovered that my iPad had decided to stop functioning. My study plans immediately collapsed. So naturally, I cleaned my room a little, got ready for class, and called it a day. 💀

I wore a floral top, a purple cardigan, and patterned denim jeans, paired with new makeup and a cute hairstyle. Apparently, the outfit was a success because I received compliments throughout the day. Even my perfume got noticed, despite my inability to smell it anymore because I apparently apply it like I’m preparing for chemical warfare.

Class was actually the highlight. My little friend group is becoming one of my favourite parts of university. We’re four completely random people with different styles and personalities, but somehow we work ridiculously well together. We finish our assignments quickly and immediately descend into unhinged conversations. We’re already planning karaoke, a mall trip, and an escape room. The friendship lore is developing FAST. 😭

After class, I went to the library looking for design books for my makeup brand. Instead, I came home with books about psychology, love, sex, and marriage. I also discovered a massive book about occult sciences that practically called out to my horror-loving soul. I didn’t borrow it today, but I’m absolutely going back for it.

I spent some time catching up with friends, received more compliments on my appearance, and somehow ended up talking to random people in an elevator. Apparently, my social era has officially returned.

The sweetest part of the day was reconnecting with my aunt. We talked for two hours, catching up on everything from university experiences to relationships and future ambitions. She told me how proud she was of me for working, earning money, and thinking seriously about my future. It felt genuinely nice to hear that from someone who knew an earlier version of me.

Unfortunately, the universe had to introduce a fresh crisis.

My dad mentioned that a potential business trip might clash with Halloween. I have a gorgeous black-and-red corset, a leather skirt, boots, and a veil planned for the occasion, and I am NOT emotionally prepared to abandon this vision. I want to attend the Halloween parties, even if it’s only for one night. But the business trip could be valuable for exploring suppliers, so now I’m stuck between investing in my future and enjoying the present.
WHY MUST LIFE MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND LOOKING HOT? 😭🙏🏻

And then there’s Mr. Makeout.

Our movie night is officially planned for next Wednesday. We’re going to watch a horror movie, probably talk far too much, and see how things go. I’m not labelling anything. We’re just going to hang out and enjoy ourselves. Whatever happens, happens.

I ended the day reading, walking, working out a little, and eating pasta while watching a horror video because my original movie plans were ruined by my technologically challenged iPad.

Overall, it was a quiet day, but a good one. I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to, yet I spent time with people I enjoy, discovered new books, reconnected with family, and made plans for the coming week.

Maybe not every day needs to be productive or life-changing.

Sometimes, a chill Thursday can still give you new friendships, interesting discoveries, a potential romantic subplot, and a Halloween costume crisis.
The plot is thickening. The characters are multiplying. The iPad is on probation. And I am simply trying to live my life.

10/22/2026 - 7:31pm

So as of writing this I am actively down four shots of pink whitney when the desire to write came to me. My beautiful fiance also ordered burger king from ubereats. To say I am in a good mood would be an understatement. Burger King Fries are excellent.

I have to pause my normally scheduled writing to say my fiance asked me for some more pink whitney as if I don't have an active order for taaka vodka coming any minute now. I specifically buy my pink whitney because I'm pretty bad about taking shots of actual vodka. (I guess stronger would be a better term.) After checking it will be two minutes. What an inpatient bastard lol.

Pausing my writing to retrieve said vodka.

So I left my writing for a bit longer than I anticipated. My beloved decided to walk our dog, we both had a cigarette and talked a bit. To be totally honest I only smoke when he does really. Camel Crushes are usually (as if I've ever picked anything else) my go to. I find I feel like I'm falling through the floor when I have one, it's weirdly similar to the feeling of my focal seizures sometimes. I find I don't withdrawal really, I just like a social cigarette I guess. My fiance, I have been urging him to quit, we are working on it. He is limited to just four cigarettes a day and I know he's apprehensive to it. However I know it's hard but I believe in him. He loves me so much clearly.

However that isn't the point to today's entry. I am enjoying my burger king in peace. I have since finished my fries and am enjoying my impossible whopper. I think I'm going to pause my eating to get more shots in me before my stomach fills and my drinks slow. I am such a mild drinker that four shots can get me a bit intoxicated, time has passed since starting this entry which helps me feel more sober. However both me and him don't have work tomorrow so I am eager to feel more.

Later in the afternoon tomorrow I will be going to my hometown and seeing my mom. I'm really excited as I will be staying there for a few days. Me and my mom have a good relationship. We like to get coffee and shop together. For me it'll likely be more window shopping since my job is gone and I have no income. However I am excited to be around her anyways. I probably haven't been able to stay home in half a year or more. The town is small, only 15,000 or so people. I know that isn't as small as some places but in comparison to the city it really does feel small nowadays now that I live in such a big populated city. I am excited to be somewhere cozier.

Pausing to drink more I think, now that I've finished my thoughts on that.

I keep lagging on my writing, but I am enjoying watching my beloved play his game. I can't be mad at myself as my writing is meant for fun and such. Maybe one day my writing will be valuable to me. It's a weird period of my life, but right now I am feeling okay. Food I love, the person I love, I am feeling quite okay. Drinks help but I'd feel good regardless.

More time keeps lapsing, and I find myself too tired to write. I only had a small amount to drink and have yet to finish my food. I think I am going to end it here. I spent more time with my love and remember why I fell for him. I shall rest now.

9:36pm.

Nice day, not a cloud in the sky most of the afternoon. Very warm 65 to 70 this week, cooler at night.

I find myself sitting in the front yard in the afternoon basking in the sun. Worked awhile today and it was a nice pace. Got home about 7 and brought Mia in and fed her, just finished dinner. Will read this evening watch the news and go to bed, Mia is already in hers.

Was reading about John Steinbeck's last novel, The winter of our discontent. That is going in the list for sure. He writes with a Midwest farmers perspective.

I sit by the heater, writing this and you just take over my thoughts, so fast sometimes it's difficult to put two togeather. I hope you are well and you will find my thoughts for you written upon the stars above.

The clouds are definitely wondering what is written there.

I close with Love and Hope

Goodnight Diary and readers

I Love you so

143

9:45 p.m.

In the UK it is a mark of intimacy, reserved only for close friends, to be addressed by my Chinese name. Right now I am interviewing for jobs in China, and in China everyone, naturally, calls me by my Chinese name. Over here, to be addressed by my English name has become a mark of intimacy, known only to the friends I made in international conferences over the years. I don't know why, but this gives me a bittersweet feeling.

It seems quite futile to wonder where I will be in ten years' time, when I do not know where I will be next year. Still, now that the future is almost upon me, I find myself thinking that the present is not such a bad place to be after all.

When I was a baby, my mom would read, "Goodnight Moon" to me. I was always excited for her to get to the part where she'd say, "... and a bowl full of mush." I would laugh at how funny it sounded.

Maybe there were moments of love and connection between us. I'll hold onto them as they come back. This was nice to remember.

Apparently, I found the words "Baby Magic," the name of a shampoo, even funnier. I kind of remember that, but there was something about being in bed at night with mom and sharing a moment that made that bowl of mush very special to me.

Warmth within our connections feels rare nowadays. No sitting at lunch and talking about nonsense while being totally at ease. No moment of silence where within it, a single smile tells a story. No one laying next to you, looking at you as if they feel lucky to know you're there. No one to snuggle up to, so they know you're staying.

But things change.

A high school teacher of mine had a saying: "No condition is permanent."

Something always happens. For instance, writing this just now helped me find a deeper, extraordinarily tender part of my heart. I've always felt very romantic and sensual about love. Though, thinking about what I've written, I feel different. Imagining moments like those, my guard falls. I didn't even know I was still guarding. The thought... this dream where I am feeling these things is indescribably beautiful. Let me explain what it feels like to imagine these quiet moments:

My breath feels intentional and slow, as my chest rises and falls in no hurry at all. There's nowhere to go, nobody to see, nothing to do. My body knows, without a doubt that I'm accepted here as I am, effortlessly.

I'm no longer ugly in my mind. I'm not weird or in pain. In this silent moment, I feel his presence and my own. Warm touch. Gentle breaths. A million thoughts smoothly become order in the space between our minds. Muscles craving affection. Closeness gained inch by inch. Worlds press together until all is made right.

Time stops existing. We've always been here and it will never end. The world ends at our bedroom door.

In these silent moments, I learn that when I am allowed to simply be, I am nothing... and that is exactly who I want to be; for with you, I am finally free.

The human heart is amazing. It can conjure worlds, summon feelings, locate what matters. Maybe magic does exist.

When I’m sick chewing on ice helps my throat and I’m just thinking I wish I knew more about myself. Mainly about the things that are wrong instead of right.

I’m angry about something but I don’t know what it is. I’m stressed out about something but I don’t know what it is. Maybe these are just my base emotions now.

I can’t stay in this house a second longer, I need to leave. I need to be outside.

I can’t stop acting like a weirdo and other people are starting to catch on to my strange antics.

I’m reminiscing on how I was mistreated and bullied as a kid, I feel angry but I don’t know what to do with that anger. I have no outlet and my only form of escapism is sleeping.

I can’t even say that it doesn’t matter since I’m living a better life now. I’m not living a better life. I’m depressed and have absolutely nothing going for me.

I was leaving the corner store and a homeless man asked me if I had any spare change for food. I said “No, sorry.” Was the way I worded that rude? It’s been weighing on my conscious.

My sisters asked me to make bacon dipped in pancake mix, they saw the recipe online. I thought it’d turn out terribly but I think I did a pretty good job. The end result doesn’t taste all that unique though, it just tastes like pancakes, no bacon flavor at all.

I miss my long distance lover. My developing fling with this guy isn’t the same. I love how much he does for me but sometimes he says things that make me think about how my other lovers wouldn’t never make me feel like this. Last night I felt like he was guilt tripping me into doing something i didn’t want. I know I’m your first but i don’t want to have to teach you how to respect boundaries. I also think you have erectile dysfunction and I don’t think we’ll be getting far if you don’t admit it and get viagra 😕. Idk.

Hey, this month my life flipped 360 degrees. My love of life just blocked me out of nowhere and doesn't want to continue anymore. And I can't still accept the fact that, 15 days prior we were sharing love you and all and now I am just dealing with this all alone and it's not easy.

I try to act all hard and busy and every time that 'forever' remains in my mind and I don't know what to do.

I just miss you pokemon.....

Cause it's not okay not at all, me being miss treated shouldn't be something that just happens and i should just move on..

Cause why? No these things should absolutely not happen to me even if it's normalised, if I'm going through something I'll react however i want to, who are you to decide it's okay or I'm overreacting?

Please for once people can also say that what happened was wrong and you didn't deserve that how hard is that anyway?

I'm tired of begging people to love me for me. I'm tired of having to shrink who I am so they can feel comfortable in my presence. When I'm single I'm unapologetically me. And these people meet me like this. They like me as I am and then suddenly I'm too much. I'm too loud, too chaotic, too needy. I know that it's because of their own insecurities that they are like this but why bother coming into my life if you can't handle the person you met. Why do these people enjoy tearing down someone who worked so hard to become themselves. I spent so many years unlearning how to hide who I was to make it easier for others to swallow. So too the next person that comes into my life remember that firecracker you met will always be the firecracker do not try and make her shrink.