Today my little friend made a big step toward a major goal. I’m so proud and completely elated that I was there to see it and not still sick.

I’m celebrating with a smoke now, and as I write that, I do feel a healthy dose of shame in it. Maybe if I journal when I do it and admit to it, I’ll develop an ick and finally quit! I like that goal. I’m going to really try this time.

This is a nice way to really think some thoughts, I don’t know why it’s been so long since I’ve done something like this. I hope I can make this a habit too- how cool would it be to have a whole record of memories and experiences? I think that’s one of the things I miss about being so active on social media and losing my old accounts. It’s like there’s just this void of so many years of my 20s that are just undocumented and my memory is not as strong as it should be for a person of my age. Probably because of the smoking.

Today I am in a really happy state. I find myself feeling more mature in a sense, I felt insecurity creeping in this morning and I was able to just be okay with it and remind myself that I’m creating a reality that didn’t exist just because one colleague didn’t say good morning to me. That’s okay, and my day wasn’t any worse for it, and I knew it wouldn’t be even in that moment. It was like I ascended into some grand understanding that things are FINE for the very first time in my life. I was able to actually shut down the anxiety! What! When did I unlock this perk?!? I don’t know, but thinking more on it, I’m even more excited because that is such a big deal!

I’m probably manic right now, but I need to have evidence of this moment and feeling that is so real right now:

I am proud of myself today. Today, I showed off who I am and I did a really good job at work. I have grown so much already, and I am going to continue. Right now, I do not wish I was anyone else. Today, I have done my best and I feel absolutely wonderful for that. Days like today are the reason I want to be here, and I have earned my joy today.

My wife is working and I am so proud of them. This is the start of our first big step into finally getting on our feet. Full time work! With our combined income, we can qualify for a place! I don’t care where at this point, but it will be amazing to get out of my parents house!

To do list:

- Get a dumpster

- Clean this place out and start packing

- Apply for apartments

- Start paying my mother back for the car

- Get a wedding ring upgrade for my wife because I think I got scammed with the one I ordered.

- Get cat pee smell out of a space? My cat is having some struggles and the diapers have not been successful and I need to know how to expunge this scent when I move because otherwise my mom will be calling me screaming whenever she catches a whiff and I do not want to make her life worse which that would and of course that’s the bigger reason.

Hey, let’s chill and not spiral, it’s all good. One day at a time and today is Good Day™️

Forget me not,

Sky

Sometimes I wonder if there is a happy ending for me. There are so many people in my family that dont have a happy ending, and nowadays I wonder if its worth it to keep going towards a happy ending, or to end it before I waste my time trying to reach a happy ending that was never going to be there in the first place. Life fucking sucks, and I keep going thinking "its going to get better" but it isn't. It isn't getting better, it isn't even settling down. They say "when it rains, it pours" but holy shit, its poured my whole fucking life.

The people in my life who make me happy die one after another, and life just gets so exhausting the more I realize that I will continue to lose people and ill have to keep finding new people. Life in general feels so exhausting. Nothing makes me happy, and that makes me sad. And everything makes me mad. Im in a constant state of anger. I force myself in anger management practices, but then I have no outlet for my anger, which then turns to hate. Its never hate towards the outside world, its always hate towards myself. I hate myself so much.

And then I come back to the beginning. Is it worth it to live a life where I know there isn't a happy ending. One where i will spend mlmy life hating myself and being angry all the time, never finding a moment of sunshine in the constant dreary rain that pours through my life, settling myself in constant grief and anxiety.

I fell down on the sidewalk today and smashed my face into the concrete and now i can't blink.

Can a herbivorous goat living in a zoo truly understand the agonizing, life-or-death life of a wild wolf without ever experiencing it firsthand?

The more we obsess over our 'self,' the more we trap ourselves in an endless prison and hell. Is this the real-life counterpart of 'Soma' from Brave New World—an overabundance of self-consciousness?

Head chef : me

Where the sequence itself is the true main dish

Exterior: McDonald's-style facade (approachable and unassuming)

Appetizer: Sweet Milkshake

Main Dish: A catastrophic fiesta burrito, thoroughly seasoned with biting misanthropy, scathing cynicism,unmatched arrogance, and unrelenting cruelty

Dessert: A pink strawberry macaron, handcrafted with utmost care by my own hands

Sometimes I feel like I’m not doing enough. so I started writing down the little things I’ve done throughout the day. It’s kind of like a something I learned for my therapist and also my partner always reminded me of this. here’s my list for the day.

evening • health
Did some leg workout

evening • family & friends
Watched a bit more tv show with mom

afternoon • health
Got canceled by George the masseur last minute. But booked a different Thai massage place. Didn't feel too annoyed.
And think my body really needed the Thai massage.

afternoon • family & friends
Stayed home today instead of going into the office to spend more time with mom before she leaves on Monday

morning • family & friends
Made coffee for mom

morning
Woke up at 7:07. Still dark outside

I hate that tone of voice can't be heard in writing because it breeds too much potential for misunderstanding. So, in the hopes of remedying that, I will say that if my tone of voice could be heard in the writing of this, it's soft and sad. I don't feel inspired at all anymore. For starters, that's how inspiration works - it shows up unannounced in advance, if it's not used to express/create while it's there, the window of it closes. And while the feeling of inspiration will again return, it can't be ordered to at one's own will. I'm sad that I missed the opportunity to express all the things I was wanting to say, in the way, and with the fluidity and ease that only inspiration allows. Even more than that. I'm so sad because that feeling of inspiration had, for the time being, lifted me out of the feeling of heartbreak in my chest. Which was such a merciful release to me. But now with inspiration gone, I'm once again sitting with the great sadness in my chest. I have learned so much about myself and life

when your radar for human emotions and society's contradictions is overly acute, living a standard corporate life or adapting to the symbolic order's rules easily makes you sick or causes you to burn out and fall behind.m

I know that being trapped in my own head isn't good for daily life, but thinking about thinking is more entertaining than anything else in the world.

I've already achieved the dream of publishing a book, and now I want to leave behind a truly great work.

I suppose the depression that comes with it is just part of the price I have to pay.

It was a fairly productive day, despite requesting the day off. Had to take Little Guy to an appointment a couple of hours away. He still went to school this morning, but I signed him out early.

While he was there, I made up some coffee, and went to the park by myself to shoot some hoops. Also, to try to clear my head a bit. I've gotten pretty decent at it. Especially after losing so much weight in the last year. I've been noticing that most of my clothes are now baggy on me. Also, I've been gaining muscle and definition. Most definitely from my job. This is, sadly, probably the best shape I have ever been in. Cutting out alcohol and smoking has helped dramatically, as well as increased water intake. Maybe one day I can add vaping to that list... But, I enjoy it too much.

After his appointment, we went out to this neat little sit-down meshed with a convenience store for lunch/dinner. He got nuggets, and I got this chipotle chicken wrap... Honestly the best wrap I've ever had. Wish it weren't such a long drive; I'd enjoy returning sometime.

Took Little Guy back to the park, but the court was occupied. So we went to the play area instead. He played with a schoolmate for a few minutes until they left, then we stuck around until it started to get dark. Came home and got through the whole bedtime routine. Now he's in there, passed out. And I'm... Not even close to sleepy.

Still have things on my mind. Yeah, I did think about him today. Curious about how his day was going. I'm nervous to run into him tomorrow. I can't imagine what kind of chatter went on there today. Wondering if anyone said anything to him about... Oh, yeah. My, gushing about him. I called him handsome/hot! So the hell what. I have got to stop caring what other people might think. I only care about what he thinks. If he's already taken, or he simply doesn't like me in return, it's not the end of the world. Fuck everyone else.

Going to try to lull myself to sleep. Hope y'all have a great evening.

So many things got me excited today and it makes being alone so much easier having the things I love get new life. I think I’m getting sick sadly which sucks but hopefully it won’t be too bad. I’ve had food poisoning multiple times and that’s hell compared to most anything I’ve experienced in terms of sickness haha. Wish me luck

Therapy hit hard today.

I've lived my whole life dissociated to varying degrees. Most of the time, I had no real emotions beyond essentially feeling stressed. They were there, I just wasn't allowed to notice.

When I look back on my life, do you know what I've actually felt? I can't tell you. I can't describe the pain.

Do you know what it's like to watch yourself have sex with someone while you're screaming in terror and disgust but "you" don't listen? I now do.

Every time I objected. I wanted none of it. The first time I felt curious and it ended awkwardly but every time after I wanted to run away. I felt sick, used, and discarded. It was all wrong. It never should have been any of them. My body knew that but it just kept going.

I'm supposed to be thankful to my brain for keeping me alive. But at what cost? Why did it have me do those things? Dopamine maintenance? Trying to figure out the monster? It tried to keep others and me safe, I get it but... FUCK!

The more I take inventory of my cuts, the more I am beginning to think: maybe I didn't make it out alive after all.

Their entire lives are a mess, the best they ever did career wise is to become an English teacher in a foreign country with an Okayish salary. Not even a subject matter expert in any field. They have My mother’s old work. They live in shitty places while barely saving money, Others live shitty lives while being forever alone.

They aren’t the cream of the crop. Other people in there don’t really have anything. Why did I think they were great people? why was I so obsessed with thinking wow they are so amazing. Why did I hang out with them? Why?! Why did I care?!

Ive been the biggest idiot. I wasn’t in the position to think they were above me. I literally am richer than all of them combined. I was probably the only one who own multiple homes in there. The one with the longest, strong, solid relationship. The one with the potential to become an actual multimillionaire, not just a millionaire.

Why did I think they were in any way above me?

Why was I so nice to them? Biggest wake up call.

They mean nothing.

I don’t know how to fix it or myself

I ended up going on a walk with my sister tonight. I was dressed up in my dad’s clothes. She was filming TikTok’s and got a bunch of notifications asking who the man in the background of her video was.

Turns out everyone mistook me for a guy and thought that I was beating her too since her lip looked busted. Dang it.

To be honest I like pretending to be a man, mostly online though. It’s fun. Being bound to a single identity is boring.

No one understands me, so sad. They all think I’m dumb. I try to be understanding and empathetic to others but no one ever returns the favor. So sad.

I have so many pimples on my face, I can’t help but pop them. Everyone tells me to stop but I really can’t bring myself to care.

I keep daydreaming about married life, maybe I should put myself out there more. I don’t get along with anyone though, not even as friends.

Not much going on today, Sunny all day and nice. Took off today, I pulled a muscle in my back Monday afternoon and it has been giving me a time. Hurts like hell. Feels like just now it may be improving.

My daughter came by this afternoon and it was good to see her. Mia is having her dinner now and I'll fix mine in a few minutes Had the other tank filled today, so that's taken care of.

The strange phone calls started again yesterday morning and all day today. Idk . Although it was nice sitting in the sun with Mia this afternoon. That I did enjoy and the warmth of the sun and it's always welcome. Back to work tomorrow hopeful. So nice sitting out there, warm and peaceful. It's the only place in the front yard that gets the warm afternoon Sun, it's great.

Could not sleep last night, whatever way I laid down the muscle would stretch and cause pain. Hope to God it's not like that tonight.

I am going in here to fix dinner. Close with Love and Hope

Goodnight Diary and readers

I love you so

143

7:26 p.m.

There have been times when I've lost all interest in the things I love. The very things that have carried me through each passing day.

Sometimes, life's events and emotions come crashing down like an avalanche, burying me beneath their weight and leaving my conscience paralyzed.

And yet, somehow, it eventually awakens.

Slowly, it regains control. But rather than scolding me for the time I've lost, it meets me with tenderness. It acknowledges the heaviness I've been carrying, allows me to feel what I've been feeling, and urges me to get back up.

Little by little, it begins reintroducing me to the things I once loved, as though gently reminding me of the person I was before the avalanche...

To plait golden arm hairs on the sunniest day of the week
With your clammy palm flush against my cheek
- All lighthearted things you do that make mine twist
Without space I’ll deface our relationship -
I’ll meet you in the water, where you look so so perfect
when you know I could never say no to you
but not that I remember which cards you wrote you loved me in
and that you are the most cohesively beautiful one I know
any undesirable thing about you is perfected in my eyes
to think I see you the way god was supposed to,
had he not forbidden this long before I worshipped you.

Really sucks when it's something I'm supposed to have gotten over. But trauma always takes years of reliving in my dreams to process...

Warning, excessive use of quotes

First of all, I have never in my life been able to "write my feelings", "journal" or any of the soup de jour of "expressing" my feelings.

I'm 69, I've tried every which way but loose, (Clint Eastwood reference) to follow all the techniques to "let go" of storm inside my mind. I'd list them all, but I don't think its relevant.

I have analyzed myself to the brink as to why I have failed. Its a whole other post about me failing at life. I have realized that its pointless to write about anything when no one is listening.

I have never believed in an entity that is invisible and omniscient so to me, what was the point of writing, it never went anywhere.

Here, though, there is a chance someone is looking and maybe validating this release of the built up words in my head

I like to think of myself as a decent guy. But what im about to say might reveal otherwise. I like to think that I respect women. If I dont know your name, you are Miss or Ma'am to me. I will always open the door for you. I have not and will not ever cat call you. If I ever see you struggling to lift something, I will politely ask if you need assistance. And I am fully aware that 100% of the female population has had a bad experience with the male species and I dont want to ever make you uncomfortable. If im walking behind you on a sidewalk lll cross the street so you dont fear or have anxiety about me. Ill do the same if its any other situation that might make you tense that i'm close in proximity to you so I make it known im not a threat. I'm actively scanning surroundings if you're by yourself and will 100% act accordingly if another man approaches you or does anything to make you uncomfortable. I am on your side.

**sigh**   but when I see your ass in tight yoga pants.....OH MY FUCKING GOD DO I WANT TO BEND YOU OVER YOUR KITCHEN TABLE, RIP THOSE DOWN AND EAT YOU FROM THE BACK.

I am so sorry. I am weak. You look amazing. THAT ASS. Good for you.

I dont know what to write but I feel like I need to.

They put a tube in you after surgery to drain stuff the body makes while healing, and while I'm grateful for the medical advancement, I can't sleep on my right side like I normally do 🥺 My back is killing me lol. I'll get it out in one week is just annoying 😑.

I still can't believe I lost weight too fast to kill my gallbladder. I need to make sure I don't lose more then 2 pounds per week but then it's going to take forever! Ugh.

I want to be the full and real me when I meet him again. He deserves me at my best, seeing me in my mess is embarrassing but also kinda poetic? After everything I've been through, him finding me with my face in the dirt still trying to make it back and he tells me I made it. Or we're both just crawling towards each other after the 20 year war we survived; two soldiers finding each other in the wreckage. As romantic as that would be, they usually leads to us not being able to be there even ourselves. So it looks like we'd be meeting as healed adults if we meet again. Maybe my memoir will be a hit and he'll show up at a signing at the very end ages right when I finish I look up and see himfa fair distance away age he holds up the book and asks, "Time for one more?"

I'm such a romantic 😅. I'm still deciding how he was about grand gestures. He was so different with me so it's hard to parse memories. He was so shy and reserved but with me he literally was the opposite. Clomping down the stairs above my classroom on the ground floor, he ran down while I just saw the top of his head bobbing down over the railing and he jumped around the railing, landed in a crouch of sorts looked me right in the eye like he had his target locked sprinted at me, stopped abruptly right in front of me and calmly asks, "Ready to go?" And a big smile grew on both of our faces.

I dont know, I feel like when he gets to be himself he has golden retriever energy. I wonder if they version of him is still intact. What's he like now? I shouldn't speculate because that will lead to me analyzing things again. Don't want to do that.

So I change topic! I have therapy today. My godmother sent pictures and I look at her so differently. She never looked at me in any of them. She went "no hands" while newborn me looked terrified. She used me as a prop. I see a mother, not a mom. She loved the title, not me, not really. So I am sad. I feel like any kind of love connecting us has been severed. She was not family. My brother either. No family. I'm so glad I got to feel what real love felt like. I just miss it now. But that's ok! There's a big world out there and my whole life ahead of me. I'm free.

No more darkness. No more pain. No more monster.

No more poisoned connections. Just me and infinite possibility.

Wow. Look at what I've stepped out of. I was supposed to die in there. Yeah I'm cut up, but my heart is beating, and I'm smiling.

Let's do this.