This Halloween I have been in the most pain, and the sickest I've ever been. I'm sure a lot of you are very limited in what you can do during this spooky season, and that it can be unbelievably difficult because unfortunately, whether due to pain or disability, we are excluded from most fun activities around where we all live.

So, I put this ghost up, as a gift to all of you, who are also suffering. I hope it puts a smile on your face.

What helps you get through the holiday season? How do you cope?

For me, laughter is the best medicine, so this really helps me when I'm struggling and since I'm bedridden, I had my caregiver decorate my room, and put that little ghost in front of my bed for the particularly hard moments.

❤️‍🩹🎃

Does anybody else feel like pain is turning them into a worse person?
After 4 months of pain I had started asking stupid questions to myself, like “what did I do to deserve this?”. The more I went into the philosophical aspect of this, the more I realized that life is just not fair, and I could have been the worse or the best person the world, and things would have been the same anyway.
So now i’m more empathetic to the people I see that are in pain, but at the same time I can’t seem to be nice like I was. I see even less meaning in life, and I can detach from others pain so much more. I have always been like this, always struggled, I was the no parents, gifted kid, always working type of guy, and I always thought life is meaningless, and others have it easier, but now these type of thoughts are really getting into me. Now I am 7 months into pain, and I’m considering ending it, even though I know I would never do it. It would seem like I always suffered for nothing and I somehow can’t accept it.

I suffer from a lot of chronic nerve and tissue pain/ inflammation all across body. I could get into specifics but who cares, and I don’t want to list ollat…

Trying to decide whether or not to take opioids as they are the only thing that works for my pain. But I'm afraid of severe constipation as I've always been constipated with a dry mouth. Also worried about losing my teeth.

What's your experience with oxy ?

Throughout the day I keep telling myself, “you should kill yourself” throughout the day “I want to die” I’m scared for my safety and sanity at this point. I can’t go to the psychiatric hospital I will lose my job in the terms of I will be put on the schedule for 1 day a week instead of full time. I will miss many doctors appointments, physical therapy, my bed, my cbd, all gone. I’ll be worse off when I get out because none of my internal or external stressors will be gone but instead exasperated. I can’t keep doing this. I have no friends, my family hates me, my girlfriend is undoubtedly leaving me, I’m so miserable and defeated

Im actually so done with people saying everyone using mobility aids without an apparent disability has "learned helplessness". How in the world can the mobility aid that helps them LIVE LIFE and sometimes be more independent correlate to learned helplessness? Not to mention it's a THEORY! not a absolute fact or disorder it's a freaking theory. I get theories are works in progress most times or whatever but from what ive seen it's categorized as a psychological state in which you believe you have no control over what happens to you. But isnt that the opposite?

Most people use mobility aids because they know whats happening in their body and are trying to use tools to manage it so they can live. I don't get how people, even disabled people can sit and say "If you're using a mobility aid for POTS and hEDS(which is what the point is mostly about) you just have learned helplessness!" but POTS can make you a fall risk and hEDS can make your joints unstable and by using a mobility aid they might be able to significantly improve their quality of life. I know people will be ableist no matter what but it's still so disheartening to see.

I’m curious to see if anyone else has noticed / experienced this… and I apologize for the length but it’s necessary.

I’ve been a chronic pain patient since 2006… still amazed that it’s been 20 years… but it all started in ‘06 when my L5/S1 disc became infected causing the disc to completely dissolve which left me bone on bone until my body autofused the vertebra and hip together. That caused me to develop degenerative disc disease on top of the fact that the collapse of that disc space resulted in there not being enough room for my nerves to exit my spinal cord without being pinched. As you can imagine, navigating the world of pain management providers since then has been a headache to be polite. I finally discovered the greatest pain management provider a year ago who also became my primary care provider as part of their whole deal which allows them to avoid the typical image of a pain clinic and they do truly care about the whole patient, not just how many scripts they write.

I say all that because even though we’ve developed a great patient-provider relationship (probably the best such relationship I’ve had in my 53years), the negotiations involved in pain management and trying to get a change or increase in strength/quantity of opioids always has that air of egg shell walking even with great relationships thanks to how deeply US healthcare and government are in bed with each other. Requesting small tweaks are still nerve wracking but that all seemed to change after being officially diagnosed with having a low-grade glioma 3 months ago.

Yesterday at my pain appointment, I asked what we could change from my normal 6 a day 10mg oxycodone regimen to handle breakthru / pain spikes. For whatever reason (as I told my provider) due to either the weather, how I slept, or me getting a fart stuck sideways, about 4-5 times a month I’ll experience a pain spike. My typical pain scores are a 7 without meds and a 4 with, but these spikes are usually a 9+ without and if I take 2 pills (which forfeits one of my evening pills) it’ll only drop it to an 8. I make sure to solidly stick to my 6x day count regardless. I’ve brought this up before recently and have had the same thing happen in the past, albeit at a less frequent occurrence rate, with other providers and was basically told to get out and exercise more, meditation, blah blah blah… basically enjoy raw dogging it until it passes. Since my PCP and PMgt provider are one and the same now, she was already aware of the glioma diagnosis. Maybe I’m imagining it, but when I asked what if anything we could do to address the spikes, the reaction and response was on the same level as if I had said ‘oh, I’ve got a hangnail I need help with’. Bottom line is that I now have a new 4mg hydromorphone (dilaudid) prescription to take on an as needed basis to break a spike. Granted, it’s only for 10 pills but still! If I only have 4-5 episodes a month then 10 should be more than adequate to handle that and it’s not like I don’t have a monthly appointment with her. Maybe the last 20 years of being a chronic pain patient tainted my outlook on providers in general, but even when I went to the ER a little bit ago (post-diagnosis) due to passing out (blood pressure issues) and awaking with a severe intractable headache, there were no sideways glances given when I asked for something stronger than the morphine initially offered up by the ER doc. To contrast the struggle, a year ago (pre-diagnosis) I severely dislocated my shoulder and the attending scoffed at me when I asked for something stronger than Toradol and said ‘well, you’re already taking oxycodone’ which after waiting in triage to be seen and going through the whole imaging process and what not, it had been a solid 8 hours since my last 10mg dose so that pill had long done what it was ever going to do.

I’m sorry that this got so long winded but I felt that this level of detail was necessary to properly convey why I’m confused and curious about this and to see if I’m just imagining things or what. Let me know you’re thoughts. Thanks in advance.

i have chronic shoulder pain and have been on opioids to manage that for over 2 years now. when i first went to the chronic pain clinic they of course made me try and fail so many other options because “opioids were a last resort”.

which is fine that makes sense…. except that for 3 years no one decided it was necessary to do an mri. eventually they do and there is a SLAP tear which can be treated with surgery.

it’s been 4 years, two of which i have been on opioids for. i’m grateful to have access to pain medical but i feel like they missed a vital step in the whole “trying other things before trying opioids”.

Living in chronic pain without proper meds

I need painkillers, actual pain killers not fucking NSAIDs I need opioids but no I can't say that bc then I'll get labelled a junkie. Can't get them off my doctor. Okay, my friend has oxy prescribed I can ask nicely to take his so moving doesn't feel like dying, nope he actually has jobs and shit to do so we can't meet up. Okay I'll try find a dealer, NOPE. Everyone in my town only does acid ekkies and eddies for the most part. The people that DO take opioids all live in a specific area where EVERYONE is related to me on my dad's side so can't talk to them. I'm fucked, I'm going to spend my whole life in pain.

I have an implanted spinal cord stim, use a ketamine ketoprofen lidocaine baclofen cream, am on a ketamine nasal spray, and use medical marijuana. I'm finally comfortable. Like more than ever.

Why isn't ketamine more widely used?

I just can't... I got nothing left...

Can't work, barely 2 months homeless, on and off hotel room from a non profit whos going to cut me off after this one in 10 days because I cant work.

The tome ive spent living in my car had been absolute hell! The bulk of my pain is mechanical, its already unbearable, and in yhe car its 10x worse,... I wake up screaming!

I had 1 job interview process i put everything into, where I could use my experience and my brain, the recruiter ghosted me. Missed multiple zoom meetings... he scheduled a call for today, said "I took on another project and we were short staffed, the team loved you, but we did have other canidates so even if we finished the process it wasn't guaranteed you would have gotten the job"

To know there was nothing I could have done or changed makes it so much worse!!! That there is just zero chance...

And now im out of time, no money, gas almost gone so when car gets towed ill... I font kniw sleep on the sidewalk???

No thank you.

Even broken as I am, im still more capable than the assholes in business and yet they get paid $$$ and I get shit on....

I just can't. Im so fucking tired.

So I'm chronically ill, and I'm having a really hard time lately. So far, I've been diagnosed with hEDS, a brain aneurysm, PHACES syndrome, chronic migraines with aura, i also struggle with outdoor allergies and asthma that affect my day to day, im always having trouble breathing in some form. I also very likely have pots. I still have to go to the clinic, and the wait list is so long. I'm just really struggling. I had to go to the hospital today, I have to go to the hospital pretty frequently because my chronic migraines are so severe. anyways, I was in the hospital for a few hours because I was in the worst pain of my life. This was the worst migraine I have ever had in my entire life. I was sick and vomiting, and I was in so much pain, I was having full body tremors. medicine wouldn't touch it for about an hour, and I had to just keep getting IV drips to see if the meds would finally work. like, ive had brain surgery and this pain was worse than that. it took forever for the meds to kick in. once i was finally better we got back home at 2 in the morning.

I'm constantly having some sort of physical issue, whether my body hurts, my joints ache, I'm fatigued, I have an awful migraine, I can't see because of the aura with my migraines. I'm just having a really hard time and im always in some kind of pain. I have this friend who's also chronically ill, and I can't talk about how hard of a time im having without her pitching in and saying, Oh, well, this is worse for me. I'm having a harder time with so and so. can you just listen for two minutes and just... listen? That's all I want. I don't want to hear about how your issues are worse than mine. I just want you to hear me, and understand. This shit sucks.

I'm trying to take care of my body. And I'm trying to do things, but my body ends up hurting like hell at the end of the day. I dealt with awful mental health issues throughout my childhood, and it got significantly worse throughout my teens. pretty severe bipolar episodes. And now I'm paying for it with physical issues. It's just hard. While I was in the hospital today, I looked at my mom and I said, “Why is my body so fucked up?” And she said, “I don't know, but I'll try my best to fix it. We'll work on it. We can get through it.” And I just said, “Okay, Mom“ the past year I've just been getting reoccurring issues and worse health. my body is failing me. It sucks. Anyways, lmk if any of yall relate and if u have any advice id appreciate it. thanks

I have Hyper mobility Spectrum Disorder along with two protruding discs in my lower back, one pressing on the sciatic nerve causing sciatica and I’m wondering how anyone else with issues that are worsened by weather changes/the cold gets by? I am so sore all over (which is not unusual for me, but the cold weather has kicked it up a notch or two)

and I’ve tried heat packs, hot showers, Panadol, very light exercise (I can barely move some days but when I can I try to) I cannot take ibuprofen or any NSAID at the moment as I’m still recovering from stomach issues related to taking those and need to give my stomach a break (not that it does anything for my pain on a good day anyways, sometimes voltaren tablets help with the back disc issue but nothing else) and none of those things do me any good in this cold weather! I have some Tapentadol which helps but ideally I’d love to not have to take it everyday let alone multiple times a day because it’s an opioid and not easy to get but it’s the only thing that at the moment is allowing me to function or get through the days without wanting to take a long walk off a short cliff 😅

I’ve been suggested lidocaine patches in a previous post which I would be willing to try but my gp has been sick all weak and doctors who are not my gp are very annoying about prescribing anything other than NSAID. It’s also a weekend and she doesn’t work on weekends. I’m at a bit of a loss here! Usually something will really hurt which allows my brain to focus on that one source of pain and the others while still there are not felt as much if at all because my brain is distracted but with this weather I can feel it all at once in my ankles in my legs in my knees in my back in my shoulders in my jaw, my hips, my pelvis, my elbows, wrists and fingers (I have generalised hsd, so it’s essentially everywhere… yay 😒).

I’m not really sure what to do! I have enough tapentadol to get me through the weekend but I am constantly trying to tell myself that the pain isn’t that bad and that I just want an excuse to get high or whatever gaslighting excuses I’ve heard from doctors before (Tapentadol doesn’t even get me high and I’m on the lowest possible dose, but I also have OCD if that sheds any light onto my thought process 😅) so is there anything that actually works for anyone who experiences this? I would be so grateful for any suggestions 🫶 hugs to you all

EDIT: I just checked the weather and it’s expected to be like this all of next week too… f my life 😅😅

Ask primary care provider about hypermobility and joint pain

Tested for autoimmune markers. Anti-nuclear antibodies positive, 1:180 nucleolar

Referred to rheumatologist, an hour and a half out

"I have no reason to believe you have any inflammation in your body"

2 months later

Rheumatologist

"You have symptoms of fibromyalgia from drinking caffeine in the morning. Sleep more it will go away". I told him i get 8 hours of sleep. I have 1 diet coke in the morning.

Mention constant headaches. Doctors notes: no headaches present

Rheum tests for specific autoimmune diseases. Tests all negative. Ask about ehlers danlos and hypermobility. "Oh i dont do that"

Month later. primary care provider

"Yeah a lot of people dont like that rheum. Heres pregabalin"

Pregabalin barely helps. Wake up in agonizing pain every night even on muscle relaxers, nsaids, pregabalin

Month later. Primary care provider

Ok lets do xrays. Xrays normal

"What do I do then. Who can I see to discuss ehlers danlos syndrome"

"Call this orthopedic"

Call orthopedic

"Oh we cant do that we dont treat that. We actually told your doctor that a month ago"

"Who can, where do i go"

"Well youll have to see a rheumatologist (bro) or go to (huge city university) to see a geneticist...."

Geneticist is 4 hours out and 4 hours back. I dont even want to bother. I am so tired. Would it even be worth it

No other rheum will take my insurance. All doctors are saying this is my only option. I am so exhausted

Going to be almost 9 years me being constantly in the state.

I am an athiest, don't believe in the god, religious stuff, higher power or anything (not because I don't want to - learning about world, mechanism of the universe, human history and human tendency has made me so) I wish If I was a believer but I am not. All I know is Universe is indifferent to all of us and don't give a flying eff about us and neither have done for any species.

My depression started when one of my best friends passed away at the age of 14 (she was ill) I was 17 then. A month and a half ago my another best friend committed suicide.

And in this I was anyway having existential crisis. Seeing the world for what it is. The brutality, the injustice, the rapes, the discriminations, the unfairness, the fight, the rage people have for each other..... i just can't take this anymore.

I just want the world to come to an end. And which it might not and not in the way we humans think.

And the best solution subconsciously my mind has come to is to die. It will be painful for sure for 10-15 mins but it will be better than this living with awareness.

I think about my death almost 10-15 times a day.

Over some petty staff I feel like to disappear from this world.

But thanks to my medicine (from last 1.5 years and the dosage increase from last few months) I am able to catch myself in the moment and hold myself back.

I am just scared if anything devastating happens I might do something to me in the split second.

As much as I want to die, I want to live as well. Seeing my friend's family and what they are going through right now- I wouldn't wish that upon my enemy. And definitely in any universe not with my family and friends. The amount of guilt, regret, self-blaming and paralyzed with life they will be.. although my consciousness will not be there to experience their pain but still I want to live.

I want to live for them. I still have some faith in humanity idk.

Any suggestions y'all have what I can do to help myself?

[I have tried therapy till last year for almost 3.5 years and didn't work really great for me. I dont have the patience and time with another human being who's a complete stranger to meet once a week for an hour and cry shit. So definitely not therapy]

Looking for books/podcasts/videos/advice/suggestions or whatever that has worked with you?

I am sure many of us have read a post in this sub about, and likely experienced our own suicidal ideation. I just want everyone to know that I love and care for you all so much. Chronic pain is horrible. It is horrible, and unfair, and debilitating, and no matter what any of you have, will, or may experience or decide-

None of this is your fault.

We are all people cast into an impossible situation and we want relief from it. I see you, I hear you, I understand you. This isn't an anti-suicide post. This isn't a pro-suicide post. This is a stranger on the other side of the world from you telling you I care. Telling you you are in someone's thoughts.

My favourite website is this- https://reasonstostay.org/ I encourage you all to read a letter and write one if you'd like.

For those of you who have taken the time to read this, I encourage you to share your story in the comments, or to add some words for others you know are dealing with something horribly unfair.

My closing notes-

You are more than your worst days.

Pain is impossible, and I am so proud of you.

It is not your fault. You are not to blame.

I believe you, your pain is real, and I am so sorry.

I've just started on 15mg/day. Anyone else take it? What's your experience been?

I am 24. I had been diagnosed spinal hyper-mobility and juvenile rheumatoid arthritis when I was around 12 although I don’t remember a time in my life that I did not feel uncomfortable.

I’ve tried so many physical therapists, muscle relaxants, functional medicine, chiropractors for pain relief and I just have not found anything that makes my body less painful.

I can’t sleep without medicine, I’m depressed and exhausted, and I am constantly shifting all day trying to find a position that doesn’t make me want to pull a mortal kombat sub-zero spine rip on myself. I just do not want to feel like this for the rest my of my life although I don’t know what else I can do.

I just needed an outlet right now to to express this to people who understand. I must be having a flare up right now because I want to crawl out of my skin as I type this

I cant take it anymore. I work in healthcare and I cant take it emotionally or physically anymore. But I feel trapped since I went through so much school for this. I dont know what to do. I wish I could quit but I need the health insurance and money.

Does anyone have suggestions for jobs? Something not too physical, maybe flexible schedule? Please.

just made sure no one can identify who i am and where i live before this but i’ve taken 1050 mg of codeine painkillers according to online, apparently it’s enough to be fatal, i know no one here can stop what’s been done so i feel like if there’s one last impact i can have it’s too wish everyone here the best and too never be as weak as i and to not give up like i have, i truly understand how life can be with a chronic illness/pain and how life altering it feels my final straw was when i found out my hands were permanently ruined, i have severe arthritis and over half of my fingers are permanently bent and can’t receive surgery to straighten them they are beyond repair as a 22 year old this felt so isolating and honestly alienating no one in my life could understand what i was going through and i’ve never been happy since a teen when my dad and best friend passed at 14, my time was always coming all i wish is that people reading this find the strength to always push forward and fight. Im stupid and a quitter i’ve let everyone who’s fond of me down despite being aware of this i’ve been selfish and done an irreversible act, pure stupidity truly i know and i hope this acts as a guide not to do what i’ve done. If i somehow wake up tomorrow this will be deleted and I’ll delete the account and app out of shame im sorry if this was upsetting. This community is truly filled with wonderful and empathetic people who deserve only the best in life

I have had CRPS since April with it developing about a month before then after major wrist surgery that was 3 procedures in 1 operation back in January. Basically I’ve been in constant pain and/or limited or immobilized for over a year now. That’s breaking point number one.

I’m a divorced and remarried mom of 2, my ex is as helpful as a doorstop and refuses to follow a judgement to provide our kids with health insurance since my surgery and medical leave. I have been able to add them to my plan but now it eats up 35-48% of my pay, I earn enough to cover health insurance, my share of our mortgage and a little bit ($5-$20) to savings and maybe $20-$55 leftover, more if I can get overtime which I’m not allowed. That’s breaking point number two.

I started working full time only to cover health insurance, not because I thought I could physically sustain it longterm. I’m in pain every single day, and I power through most of it because I don’t want to be seen as incapable. I’ve already lost my career and had to adapt to something new within my field just so I can stay employed. So I can’t slow down. That’s breaking point number three.

I hurt the way I do because my CRPS isn’t given good medical oversight by a specific provider. I’ve seen my pain management doctor once for a nerve block, one of his PAs flat out doesn’t treat CRPS and refused to continue seeing me (she thinks I need orthopedic manipulation for neuropathic pain). I consulted a new pain management doctor for help, he focused on my mental health and told me that I need a psychologist to teach me how to handle my pain better and some practical treatment suggestions that he wasn’t willing to do so go see my original doctor who never has time. He did also tell me I meet all of the diagnostic criteria for fibromyalgia but it doesn’t matter since I’m already taking Gabapentin. So I’m at the crossroads of do I tolerate low contact/help from my original doctor and just accept it as it is or do I seek a new third provider and hope I finally get one who actually sees me as a human being and cares? That’s breaking point number four.

I have CPTSD, diagnosed while divorcing my ex husband and it’s been ongoing from a lifetime of neglect from my parents as I took the blame for everything. It took me until four years ago to finally wake up to it and start unwinding from my family and the cult belief system they are still involved with. Leaving the religion has meant family estrangement, they have basically disowned me and treat me like I’m dead. But they’re all now on great terms with my ex husband so they can try to gain access to our/my kids. The abandonment is hitting me hard lately and I don’t know why. It was like this last year too so I’m super-confused. Could the pain be making that much of a difference?

29F, currently working my dream job as a teaching professor (I used to be an engineer but did not like it) and I’ve been married for three years to my husband who I absolutely love. I’ve dealt with chronic illness (IBD) for a decade at this point but the chronic pain in my jaw and neck is absolutely debilitating. I can’t seem to catch a break with my health and I’ve actually backed off of the gym for a while because I wasn’t sleeping enough and I did not want to be around people. I’m really sad because I would like to enjoy my life otherwise, but chronic pain makes it so hard to function. I struggle to watch TV, nothing is enjoyable for me anymore except for sleeping in a recliner with my cats on me (the bed is no longer comfortable enough, so my husband and I no longer sleep together). I’ve had points where I wanted to delete myself and would even fantasize about scenarios where I would do it. I see a therapist but my issue is pain-related and there’s only so much she can help me with. Tramadol doesn’t do much and I am waiting to get into a pain management clinic. I have surgery scheduled for my jaw but they keep moving the date on me…I’m just sad because I usually love this time of year and I have not wanted to go out and do anything. Everything is such an effort because of the pain and I know it is hard for my husband to see me like this and it doesn’t help his mood. He deserves a good life with his wife, too. I feel horrible and I know deleting myself would only make things worse for him, but I hate this psychological torture that I am in because I am in such excruciating pain and my providers do not take me seriously. I can’t imagine living like this for years to come but I wanted to grow old with my husband…but under the condition of being in decent health. My life for many years has been pain and it only seems to get worse. PT doesn’t cut it anymore. I get massages but they don’t hold for long. I just want real cures and fixes to these problems. I’m sure a lot of you can relate…I just don’t know how to keep moving forward, despite the pain. I want to be able to do my job without hurting and having to take breaks so much because the pain is awful. My students and coworkers have been fortunately very understanding and supportive, but I want to enjoy my life again! Chronic pain sucks and we need better treatments.

Alright so I am 18 and I’m pretty sure I’ve gone insane my mental state is in shambles I can’t maintain myself I go weeks without showering I can hardly bring myself to eat since only laying down can slightly lessen the pain. I haven’t been on pain meds since from what I can remember they hardly ever worked.

I know that becoming physically active might help me but I’m just not able to bring myself to trying to do it. Every day I spend my time reading or playing games as an escape every bit of my day is spent trying to make sure my brain doesn’t realize the state it’s in.

But it’s gotten to the point I don’t know how much longer I’ll live. I already know I won’t make it past 60 since I can’t imagine myself wanting to live that long I’ve always planned to die before that because I’ve seen they are in pain at that age simply due to their age. My pain has been with me since I was born. At first my entire left side was paralyzed but that was fixed, after that when I gained consciousness I had chest pain however I thought that was normal since it was everyday and people only talked about pain as it was in the moment then when I was 9 I went to the doctors for chronic back pain since I was experiencing back pain for atleast a year at that time that was when I learned I had pectus excavatum.

Besides the physical pain my mental state has never been good I’ve always had anxiety to the point it will hospitalize me. During the 2nd grade it got so bad I was in the ER for two days recovering just because a new school year was starting but even then whenever I enter a room I scan it for ways to escape besides that I always feel like in places I can’t see someone is hiding and will come for me.

Around age 10 I developed depression this was around Covid the depression was caused by my “grandma” dying and two pets it. I was in incredible need of attention at the time but since I hardly talked and mostly kept to myself no one noticed anything and just left me to my devices so I started to fake hallucinations to get attention however that just landed me in the mental hospital. Afterwards I started to trust no one with my secrets and that’s how it was until recently.

Anyway fast forward 4 years I learn that my pectus excavatum can be fixed this was a dream for me since I was always insecure about that since it was a giant caving in my chest I was forced to get it since it was putting pressure on my lungs. After the surgery I experienced the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I can’t even remember what it was but I know I’ll never be able to something worse than that.

Go to one year after that I was just laying down and stretched and two screws broke inside of my chest no one believed I was in pain at that time. I was able to ignore it for a while but I grew tired of it so I told my parent I was in pain and they didn’t believe me. So I would start doing anything to stay home one day I even consumed what I believed to be either cinnamon or ant poison hoping to stay home.

After finding out I wasn’t faking they took me to the hospital for an X-ray and found the two screws after 4 X-rays. I had it taken out and I’ve just been in more pain than before or maybe my mental energy has just been fully exhausted I can’t tell anymore.

Anyway I think I’ve gone fully insane my mental state changes frequently opinions I had change rapidly I forget where I am mid conversation and often have thoughts that go random places most of which I thought were normal but I learned weren’t. Everyday I consider death since it’s an easy escape recently I got high aswell it’s quite nice but that’s about it. It’s like a small break but I won’t allow myself to get addicted since I’m better than that.

I don’t even know if I’m myself anymore I’ve had that thought for a while but all of my life I’ve been consumed by envy of wanting to be normal and like others.

The only reason I’m in this life still is because I have a family who cares about me and will be sad about my death and I can’t bear to cause something to happen to them. I’d give anything to my family if they asked. So I continue to live this life even though I wish I wouldn’t. Every day I wish they didn’t care about me. I already know how I’ll go out too. I will be going out by helium inhalation.

But recently I wished I could take out my frustrations on the wall but I can’t bring my self to do it since I’ll just be feeling more pain. I feel invisible since my family simply can’t feel what I feel and so I know I’m alone in this.

I used to be an incredibly kind kid but I don’t know who I am anymore I think I’m going insane.

The pain I usually feel is a deep uncomfortable pain where I don’t want my bones to be mine in one area it’s piercing and others it’s just dull ache and that’s just the chest pain. For my back it’s a constant sharp ache. I saw a chart on this sub Reddit and my everyday pain on it is an 8 some days it goes to a 9 but I’m genuinely lost I know exactly what to do but I’m simply stuck.