I just had to write this

I miss him. 214 days. We were creating a life together. Got married a year ago and had all our family and friends around us and as usual with these you looked and acted happy. I remember your speech at the reception to everyone. How you were so happy that two guys could marry legally. How supported you felt from our families.

I noticed the change.

You started being upset about everything. Little things and things that didn’t matter. You started leaving our bed in the middle of the night because your “stomach hurt.” You went to the second bedroom and slept though I saw the phone light all the time. You would look exhausted in the morning.

I did nothing. Just thought you were working through something. I said nothing.

That morning was normal for us. Getting ready for work and rushing around because I woke up late. Dishes were in the sink and I got mad and told you that I wished you’d put them in the dishwasher. Ridiculous and stupid dishes. That’s what I focused on.

We kissed goodbye as I left for work. I was irritated. Cranky.

Then no texts.

We always text throughout the day. So I got mad again and stopped texting you after 3 attempts.

I came home.

Your car was in the garage. Strange - you work later than me.

The house was silent. No tv and no music. Just silent. That silence haunts me now.

There was a note on the door. “Don’t come in - call 911. I’m sorry.”

But I went in. That image of the shotgun on the floor. The wall behind you. Your face. Your body. I can’t run away from those images. I try and try and try.

You left me and I’m angry. I’m defeated. I’m hurt and I’m lonely.

Why?

I'm tired of people taking my niceness for granted. I'm trying to push forward positive vibes. Then they twist me the wrong way and awakened the demon in me. Can't you just let me be fucking nice. It's like let me let me let the devil sleep once in awhile!

Although it feels like the only thing people want is me to snap these days, like they want hostility. I generally keep the hostility buried deep because I don't want to be that person, but everyone keeps roping it back out!

For fucks sake CANT I JUST BE ALLOWED TO HAVE POSITIVE VIBES!!