my legal name is elizabeth, i hate it so im trying to change it

heres a list:

1. Eline
2. Asher
3. Iris
4. Fin
   

i would show my face but im a minor sooooo....

(i have bushy brown hair, pale skin, and green-gray eyes.)

I am agender for five months now and decided to change my name because my name given at birth made me feel uncomfortable. (My new name is Sam btw but I am not 100% sure yet if I really like it or not) My friends still call me by my birth name so I wanted to tell the ones I trust the most that I am agender and that I changed my name. I am scared that they will judge me or don’t wanna be friends with me anymore.

I rarely ever take selfies but I was definitely feeling like taking a little picture 🙂‍↕️

Recently I’ve been debating with myself whether my perception of my own gender is normal or if I could be considered agender. Thought I’d ask here, seems as good a place as any. If the answer’s no, so be it. I’m just really curious. Apology if my writing doesn’t make any sense.

Here it is: I don’t feel like my gender is connected to my identity in any way. Like, my gender is female because I have two x chromosomes and I was raised as a girl. The former dictates what other people see when they look at me, (although I don’t prefer wearing feminine… anything), and the latter dictates which I spent the most time around and which were mostly my friends when I was young (girls), making it so that I would rather spend time with girls than boys.

(In reality, most of my friends are queer and neurodivergent (as am I) and/or don’t really participate in a rigid social gender binary, meaning that if I was thrown into either a group of cis men or a group of cis women it would be kinda awkward and I wouldn’t really know how to act. But when I was younger, all my friends were girls.)

I don’t have a strong feeling of being female, nor do I have a strong feeling of not being female. If I woke up one day and I was a boy, I don’t think anything would change. Provided I had the same friends and the same brain, of course. However, if I was suddenly expected to be “masculine”, I think I would have a hard time doing it. It might be a bit easier to perform femininity, but that is probably for the most part a result of me having spent a lot more time around girls in my life.

If people started using different pronouns for me I wouldn’t care at all.

I view being in either a male or female body as having their own set of inconveniences, (female arguably having a lot more). I don’t have an emotional want or need to not have a gender, but I do think logically it would be kind of nice to be completely detached from social gender expectations. I’m pretty close to that already, at least within my own friend group.

Although, if gender is a social construct and is only determined by how you feel about yourself, in the absence of any personal strong feeling the only thing that keeps me “female” gender-wise is how other people perceive me due to my biological female traits. That’s kind of crazy.

I realized while writing this post that the answer to my original question might be more obvious than I first thought, but what do you guys think? I’m curious if there’s any contradictions or things I’m missing here.

I’ve been using the term agender for myself since I feel as if I don’t have a gender at all, not a he/him, not a she/her, not even a they/them (or neo-pronouns) Is it ok I call myself agender? I am closeted though because I am a teen with a parent who is anti-lgbtq. I have long hair and look like a girl(because again, closeted) and I don’t want to cut my hair short because it’ll look bad on me and I like my hair long. So I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t be called agender because I do have long hair and don’t want to cut it, and like a lot of girly and cute clothes. I know it might sound stupid, but I don’t know. I just want some confirmation or something.

Stranger: hey what are your pronouns?

Me: YES

Stranger: Im sorry what

ahhhh i don't want this to become this whole big rant because, truly, all i want to do is uplift people and make people feel happy and loved, and i believe in visibility and taking up space and living by one's virtues and all that good stuff, but like... man, i DO NOT like who i am or how i show up in this world, unfortunately. :')

i want to be open. i want to live as a genderless person, in a way that makes other people feel comfortable living as a genderless person or as a person of their own gender, too. i want all bodies to be appreciated and respected, and everyone to be loved for who they are, not how they look or what they can do for this capitalist hellscape. i love people so, so deeply; i'm so incredibly fascinated by the human experience, and how diverse it is. <3

so it's incredibly jarring to me that i'm just... not a person to other people, and it's because of my body.

for context (idk if this context actually matters, but just in case): i'm autistic, and i don't feel a sense of gender. i'm asexual as well, and don't feel a sense of attraction to people's bodies, but i do have a very strong sense of aesthetics and believe the human body in all its forms and iterations is genuinely a work of art, and that it's so incredible how different we can all look. i have genuinely never found another human being to be ugly, or to look "unusual", or have never found something to be "wrong" with another person's body (although i used to work in healthcare, so take this with a grain of salt; obvi, whenever i saw someone bleeding out or something, i was like "!!! that is wrong!!!"). but i have never encountered a person whose body was so particular or "extreme" in some way that it overrides my belief that they are a multidimensional human being; i don't even understand how that would even work.

i, myself, run on estrogen, and was born that way, and not to stereotype, but it is very very obvious when you look at me: big hips, big thighs, big butt. i've struggled against this body my entire life; even as a skinnier kid, it never felt like home to me, i've always felt awkward just being in a body and being perceived by others, and i've always been dissociated. i didn't know other people genuinely experienced gender - i didn't even know assigned sex was real until high school. i've always been clumsy. i used to starve myself following a series of violent body-based attacks, and also in part because i felt like i wasn't allowed to be genderless in such a curvy body; i've since recovered, but the way people treat this body has remained, and only gotten worse with time.

i don't want my body to matter to other people, but they treat me like there's not even a person in here, this is just a soft, cushy form used for pleasure. i don't think my weight or build should matter to people, and i want to think i'm more complex than just the "puzzle" of "them boobs should match them hips but they don't", but apparently i'm not. i work in a warehouse now; the other day, i stepped on a wooden pallet and broke it, which my boss found endlessly hilarious, and it brought my whole world crashing down. i really thought i'd escaped just being a body in the workplace, i thought maybe healthcare was just weird and an impossible place to be genderless because everyone there had studied anatomy without doing the necessary internal work to divorce their understanding of secondary sexual characteristics from gender. but i guess not; i'm just a collection of hyper-sexed features and, because of the way they're put together, i'm not human. i'm just here to touch, or fuck, or harm, or laugh at, because some parts are larger and some parts are smaller and, if i was really a person, i'd at least offer the viewer the dignity of making sure those parts matched and were in accordance with rules i don't even believe in, and gender roles i don't think anyone should be held to.

i feel like my body is holding me back, and i feel like the expectation that it change is also holding me back. is it really such a tall ask to ask to be agender in a short, curvy body? it's just so bizarre to me that any variation of the human body can make the human inside the body less... human to others. will i really never be a person?