Thanks for all the supportive responses yesterday. Iāll just tell you the highlights of my first time with Spravato.
I have high anxiety so I mentally prepared with a bag of comfort items and comfy clothes for the chair. I did take .5mg Ativan upon waking and the other half an hour before leaving. The car picked me up and the driver was friendly and put me at ease, which really helped.
I got to the clinic and sat in a comfy recliner in a little cubicle that had a small bedside table with a low level light, candies, a cute little cup of dum-dum lollipops, tissues and crackers. The nurse I spoke to was helping me and she was really nice. Kept offering me water and when I said I was afraid of nausea she showed me where the throw-up bags were in the drawer of the table. So that helped with that part of my anxiety. At first I thought I wasnāt in a recliner and asked to go to a room with one, and the nurse showed me how to use the chair. I filled out the paperwork, and could hear a lot of other patients being asked how they were and them complaining about life. I was trying to stay in a positive mindset so I put my headphones on and finished the papers. I did two nasal sprays 5 minutes apart and I expected the taste to be horrible but It wasnāt as bad as Iāve heard and a wintergreen candy helped it pass quickly.
I covered my eyes with a mask, put on a Spravato video off YouTube, covered myself with my blanket and felt excited about the idea of dissociating on legal meds. (Iām 63 and back in my HS days I tried acid and shrooms but wasnāt a fan of the exhaustion the next day). I started to feel lighter and just relaxed and said, āshow me what you got.ā I had the mint in my mouth and noticed my lips felt a little numb so I decided it was time to stop thinking. I definitely floated up in the air and then images just were coming at me like pages in a book, but the stories werenāt in order from the same book. Earlier I had listened to a video someone on here recommended and it said to ask your dead relatives to guide you so I kind of had that in my mind. The first thing to come up was my deceased mom and I felt safe and loved. Then my old dogs from when I raised my family flickered in my consciousness and it was comforting. Next cats from my childhood and I went into all these memories of things that occurred in my life. Letās just say Iām emotionally drained and the memories didnāt even go back to early childhood trauma! I was never scared but I did feel negative stuff. Once or twice I had to mess with my phone because my cell signal was glitching. I remember calling for help to get on the free WiFi but I think I was too quiet. I hit the call button but no one came. Then my video started working and I put my head back, smiled and thought it was funny, āthey arenāt going to come help a patient with signal issues and theyāre probably watching me on the camera and saying nope.ā LOL
I was so groggy when it was time to wake up. I felt drugged and I was worried when I saw my ride would be there in 15 minutes. The nurse was reassuring that I had plenty of time and told me to just start sitting up. People were leaving and I could see out the door into the waiting room where a bunch of people were in chairs. My anxiety sprang up and in a daze I asked one of the workers who those people were. I robotically packed up my stuff and it was time to go. I asked to use the bathroom and I got lucky because near the bathroom was another door out where I didnāt have to walk through the waiting room.
I managed to get home, eat something and crawl in bed with my cat for a couple hours. I have a lot to process and even though nothing terrible happened it was mentally and emotionally exhausting and I feel like I donāt want to go back. But the nurse told me donāt drive and donāt make any big decisions like buy a car or a house. LOL I think she also meant process what happened before I decide not to go back.
Iām sorry I got so long. I like to write down my feelings as a cathartic way to process them. Itās why journaling works. Thanks for everyoneās support.