My STBX husband abused me during our marriage and I still have PTSD from his DV because of which it’s really hard for me to be around him without my defenses all the way up. His bullying, harassment and intimidation has never stopped, which is why EMDR doesn’t work on my trauma as the trauma is ongoing in different ways. I unfortunately listened to my mother’s horrible advice to not file a restraining order against him three years ago and now it’s too late as I moved out of the marital home. Separate note but she was the one who forced me to marry him and stay married to him even while he would abuse me. It took me years of therapy to finally stand up to her and him and cut them out of my life.

But cutting out the STBX is harder when we have a child together and split custody 50-50. The STBX never gives up a chance to party. And that includes children’s birthday parties. Tomorrow is a Halloween party thrown by our child’s classmate’s family. The STBX is insisting on attending it even when it’s my custodial day. I have conceded to invite him to school events on my custodial days but this is a private party. I told him that because of my PTSD that I don’t want our child to witness, I will leave with our child if he shows up. I also said that it would be good for our child to build friendships and he can socialize on his own time without impacting my custodial time. He doesn’t care and will be bringing his girlfriend there as well.

Should I go and then leave when the two show up? Or should I not bring up the party to my child at all and just not go? My kid would be very upset if we had to leave the party but won’t be if we just didn’t go and didn’t mention it. And I will definitely not stay around if the two show up on my custodial day.

I’m a single mom to a 5YO girl. Her dad and I were never married, and I left him 2 years ago, in the context of his drug addiction. Regardless of our relationship she has always loved him, and I’ve tried to support their relationship while being honest about his issues, and the issues in our previous shared home.

He fought hard with me to be able to call her everyday, we landed on an agreement of daily 20 minute video calls during a 1 hour block in the morning, but in practice his calls are inconsistent. He and I are both consultants, and our daughter is homeschooled so this work for us better than night time calls. Admittedly she is a busy kid (and I also have a life) so sometimes the schedule changes or he needs to call by x:30 instead of x:40 to get his 20 minute call. Either way this is explicitly laid out in our parenting plan.

Recently, during a week where he only called twice she asked me to let her call him because she missed him. After they hung up, she asked me, “Why does Dad say he misses me but not call?” She also asked if he likes his longtime friend and roommate (not a romantic partner) more than her.

I was heartbroken, and also extremely angry. I told her honestly that I didn’t know why he hadn’t called, that I didn’t think he was lying when he said he missed her, and ultimately that I couldn’t make him call. Previously she had asked me to message him everyday to remind him to call bc according to her “he forgets me when I’m not with him” which was painful to hear too.

I messaged her dad on Talking Parents, bc of course we use a parenting app, to tell him what she was saying and maybe a bit to guilt him into calling his daughter. He made excuses about the missed calls, he was working late, his phone died last night, and “the other days was the same” but then accused me of creating her insecurities and undermining their relationship by “restricting and preventing” his calls. He also insulted me personally but that’s all just normal communication from him at this point.

Admittedly I got angry and responded emotionally, I regret it but you can’t take back messages on TP. I pointed out that in 30 days he’s missed 11 missed calls and seen her 7 days. As he kept argumeing that his missed calls are my fault I said I didn’t ask for excuses, just for him to do better. Then at the end of the exchange I reiterated that our daughter shouldn’t be responsible for confronting him about his behavior, so this adult conversation shouldn’t be discussed on their next call.

Now I’m questioning myself… I know I was angry, and I know I could have handled parts of the exchange better. But I’m so tired of being the one who comforts her when she feels forgotten, tries to explain behavior I don’t understand, and then also be the one who gets blamed for bringing it up.

I don’t want to turn her against her dad. I want her to be able to love him without feeling like she has to earn his attention or wonder whether she’s less important than someone else.

For parents who’ve been dealing with inconsistency as opposed to outright no help… how do you cope with watching your child notice it?
And how do you communicate concerns to a defensive ex without getting dragged into a fight about who to blame?

I’m looking for perspective here, I know I’m too close to the issue and I just want someone to tell me what I can do to be better here. I do not need, or want, advice to just remind him to call. I’ve tried that, I’ve texted him daily for weeks, and it still didn’t make him call everyday just yell at me more bc his life is none of my business.