I am struggling so badly with retroactive jealousy regarding my boyfriend's past single life and I genuinely don't know how to break out of this nightmare. Years ago after a traumatic breakup, my boyfriend built this fake online "playboy" persona where he bought followers, followed and commented on IG models, and liked thirst traps and other photos of women, and stuff from like Playboy. He says it was a defensive shield because his ego was shattered, and that the likes were completely mindless visual noise with zero emotional or sexual intention to pursue anyone. He wanted to maintain that kind of playboy image online to keep a wall up and not get hurt even when he tries to put his heart out.

Recently I found out he also liked some suggestive posts of women on IG years ago while in a situationship with someone he claimed to love before me. As far as I know he believed they were exclusive but didn’t have a label. Learning that completely sent me over the edge because my brain immediately told me that if he could do that while loving someone, he can’t commit or that I'm not enough. It triggered my past relationship trauma so severely with men who cheated on me and compared me to women on IG that I have been endlessly interrogating him, auditing his entire past, and spiraling for hours. Our fights have gotten extremely volatile and painful, and my anxiety has made me lash out in ways I am deeply ashamed of.

He has been completely patient, put down his pride, taken accountability, and even offered to deactivate his social media entirely because he says my peace of mind matters more than anything. Deep down I can see how devoted he is to me in the real world, but my brain keeps treating his past like a threat. I keep comparing my own digital habits like saving thousands of photos of male idols and some dudes to his past, but I still can't stop the compulsion to pick at his history. How do I stop auditing his past before I completely destroy a partner who actually loves me? I understand that I’m insecure and illogical but I cannot break out of this and need help.

Hello! I know that many people here struggle with ROCD... I truly empathize with your pain! I’ve been dealing with ROCD for a year now (I haven’t been formally diagnosed, though I have seen a general psychologist). I’ve been through some very difficult months, and often, I feel completely down. I cry a lot—especially since I moved out of my family home and started living with my boyfriend, whom I’ve been with for two years. I have (or have had) an anxious attachment style, while he tends to be more avoidant—though I’ve seen him make a lot of changes for my sake recently. It’s reached a point where it’s starting to take a toll on my daily life (I’d love to see an OCD specialist, but it’s very expensive). My thoughts are racing 24/7; I cry, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep going like this... I feel all alone in this, and I’m terrified that things just won’t work out.

On one hand, I am grieving what we once had—the "rose-colored glasses" phase, the honeymoon period, the way I used to adore him, how I’d constantly miss him and always want to be by his side, and so on. I know that phase eventually fades, but I long to experience it with him again so intensely that I’d pay anything to get it back—haha. I’m also deeply afraid that, since I haven’t felt that "in love" sensation for quite some time, perhaps I’m just attached to him—he provides a sense of security, and maybe that’s why I can’t imagine my life without him. I’ve read many books on OCD and talked to so many people, but honestly, I no longer know where or to whom I can turn. I am so tired... just utterly exhausted. The move was also a sudden decision—everything happened within a month or two—and now I’m afraid it was the wrong choice, because I feel absolutely terrible. I’m not asking for reassurance, nor am I asking for anything in particular; but if anyone has a kind word to share, or would like to talk about this—or perhaps even something else entirely—please, reach out to me.

Hi, this is my first ever post on reddit, please be kind :). I first realized that I have rocd when I was dating my ex last year, and my mom brought the term to my attention. Reading about rocd made everything make sense; it explained my runimations, my sleepless nights, and why I couldn't stop chekcing and doubting myself. I had obsessive thoughts about ending the relationship due to looming long distance (we were about to leave for college) and fearing that we wouldn't make it so I should end the relationship now to save myself the heartache, and I spent a long time fighting those thoughts, writing them off as baseless doubts. I ended up breaking up with my ex because the fears I had turned out to be valid, and it wasn't until I was in an unsafe situation with this person that I realized that to be true.

In the thick of the break up, when so many events/comments/memories started resurfacing and I began looking at them in a new light, I realized how toxic my relationship actually was and how much my love for this person and fear of being alone blocked me from seeing how bad he was for me. It got to a point where I was really scared that I let my guard down like that, and I couldn't believe I let someone mess with my mind and my discernment like that. I began to believe that I should never enter another relationship, for fear that it will end up like the previous one.

Fast forward to now, I am in a 5 month relationship with a man that is everything I could want and more in a partner. He is kind, attentive, funny, intelligent, and most importantly, he isn't scared of my mind. Even though he doesn't know about my rocd, the parts of myself that I did share he handled with care. I feel as though I met my perfect match, and sometimes I look at him and see the father of my children (which is insane considering we are both in our early 20s lol). When I have thoughts about breaking up with him (which, as someone with rocd, I often do), I go back to that truth, and I think that if I want to break up with him, it must be because I want a partner with different qualities. But when I try to imagine myself dating someone who is not him, my imagination falls short; because I think, in the back of my mind, I know that nothing is truly wrong (that doesn't mean we'll never break up but I think it means, as the title of this post suggests, that I have something really freaking good and that I'm really scared of messing it up).

Some more important context for my recent flare up is that I've been going through a friend break up, and it was someone who on the surface was very close and I felt like I met a genuine friend, but she turned out to be exactly the kind of person she said she wasn't and stabbed me in the back. This caused me to lose my larger friend group and spend most of my days alone, with the exception of my boyfriend. Another important piece of information is that we live in the same building, and it is very easy for us to hang out, but it also means we spend a lot of time together and this pseudo living together situation places a lot of pressure on the relationship (at least for me).

This is where the part that is hard to write comes in. The friend group situation along with an existential crisis, put me in a funk where I believe nothing I do matters because I'm gonna be dead in 100 years anyway, so why bother feel connected to anything or anyone. I feel very disoriented, and like institutions that meant a lot to me in the past, feel very arbitrary now. Unfortunately, I have began to feel the same way about my boyfriend, that whatever we have is meaningless because all relationships feel meaningless and I am fed up with the vulnerability that comes with being human, therefore, the best solution is to just disengage altogether. I have felt that if this is my husband than I am shutting myself out from getting validation from other men, and have often imagined myself not having relationships with men in my life but receiving validaition, specifically that I am good in bed (this last point could be about a number of things; 1) the fact that i am very insecure about my appearance and don't believe my boyfriend actually finds me attractive, so I want more approval and 2) (and this may be a reach) but that the only consistent relationship in my life currently is a romantic one, so if I can't have friends, might as well imagine getting romantic validation from as many people as possible).

Worst of all, I have doubted whether or not I love him. Which is incredibly distressing because when I remember the day I told him I loved him for the first time, I felt as though I literally couldn't contain it because it was pouring out of me, I was so excited to share my love with him and I felt it really deeply. And now, we could spend the most amazing day together, or have good sex, or have him comfort me when one of the many things on this list make me sad, and still look at him and doubt whether or not I love him. I fear I may have gotten too comfortable and startede taking him for granted. Last year in school I never really cooked, and now that we live in the same building, it is so easy for us to cook together (he loves to cook and our building has a communal kitchen). Sometimes I wonder if I would cook and take care of myself if it weren't for my proximity to him. I wonder if the reason I feel this way about him is because everything else in my life feels meaningless right now. Just now for example, we were talking after a nice evening out together, and the thought started to creep in again and it ruined it.

I consistently ask myself whether I love him, check how saying I don't love him feels inside, wait for the pull that says that I do, and get nervous and scared when it doesn't come. This anxiety has become so debilitating that I find myself wanting to spend time away from him so I wouldn't feel this way. I don't want to be this way, and I wish I had an ocd diagnosis and medication for either that or anxiety that would make it all go away. This man is incredible, and I adore him, and I want to be the best girlfriend I can be for him. But I can't do that when my mind is my worst enemy and I don't know how to make it stop

i used to have insanely bad ocd around this time last year, maybe my body remembers the score

me and my boyfriend broke up about 3 months ago and I miss him a lot.

however we recently saw each other and now the thoughts are spiraling

i missed him so much and it was like heaven to see him, but now I just feel insane fear.

I want to get back together with him some day. Not waiting but just a smidge of hope (because we were so good together). but my ocd keeps centering around “what if he doesnt want to?” “do you really want to get back together?” “what if he forgets about you?” “what if you dont mean anything to him anymore?” “what if you don’t love him anymore?”

he does think of me fondly and we’re still on good terms, I’m just afraid of losing him forever because I loved him so much and I still do.

my ocd hasnt been this bad in a WHILE like seriously since i first got diagnosed. I have nausea throughout the ENTIRE day, from morning to night. Theres a pit in my stomach, and I feel like the epitome of “what’s wrong with me” by olivia rodrigo. I KNOW its bad because everything feels like a trigger and doing ERP is feels so scary to me again.

I’m on 40 mg of prozac and 50 mg lamotrigine, but it’s not curbing this anxiety completely and im just sad.

i just need to spit this out before I ruminate my entire shift. I’ve been through ERP so I’m gonna practice it as much as I can

Hi I’m 20 and about 3 months ago I started dating the love of my life,Suffering from severe OCD, my whole life I always struggled when it came to talking with the opposite sex, I’d always think of the worst possible outcomes and always lets my intrusive thoughts make my decisions for me, so as you can guess this is my first relationship lol, I Love this girl to death, I can be the real me around her and she’s so understanding when My ocd gets bad theyres just one problem, basically we started off as friends and she told me many of her past relationship experiences (including sexual) at the time they didn’t bother me because I didn’t know we’d actually end up dating given my history …. But now that we’re dating I get these disturbing horrific intrusive thoughts of her with her past partners etc,daily and to make matters worse I ask stupid questions I know I don’t want the answers to and it makes everything even worse and I’m just really scared I might fuck things up in the long run if I keep getting upset around her because of these stupid thoughts and I just want to eventually ignore these thoughts and look for ways I can overcome this. ANYTHING WOULD BE APPRECIATED :)

Current medication
50mg chlomipramine daily

Hi all,
My ex and I broke up 5 months ago and the ruminations about the relationship have been ongoing since. I wake up in the middle of the night to think. My anxiety is at an all time high. I replay conversations, replay memories, reread messages, etc. It is affecting my life drastically. Aside from the grief that comes with a breakup, OCD has made this 10 times more difficult to deal with.
I have been in therapy but I never did ERP. I finally decided that it’s time to start ERP and I will be beginning my first session tomorrow.
I really hope that it helps because I honestly can’t keep going like this. It feels like i’m going crazy. I think about the relationship 24/7 and everything triggers a thought about something I did or said or he did or said when we were together.

I feel empty; I can’t seem to feel either love or sadness. There is only one thing I am certain of: I do not love my husband. While some people are able to feel good or experience love—at least occasionally—I truly cannot. I don’t even want him to hug me or show me any affection. I feel so sorry for myself, wondering why I have to go through this, and I feel sorry for my husband, wondering why I am putting him through this. I don’t know what to do. Whenever he shows me any affection, I feel strange—almost guilty, though not intensely so—and I feel as if I don’t deserve his displays of love. I suspect that the only reason I stay with him is out of guilt. People say that OCD tends to fluctuate, but my experience isn’t really characterized by ups and downs; it’s more of a flat, constant state. I’ve even started to feel repulsed by things about him that never used to bother me—that alone gives me pause. I don’t have any particular anxieties or fears, nor am I caught in an obsessive cycle; in fact, I haven’t felt anxious for a very long time—to the point where I don’t even worry about the fact that I’m not anxious. I don’t seek reassurance, either. I wonder if there is anyone else who feels the way I do, though I’m not even sure if knowing that would bring me any relief. (I’m diagnosed.)

My gf and I have been together for almost 5 months.

Recently, we have been working through our attachment issues one hand and that’s one stress for me as I want to become more secure and also help her avoidant style.

Yesterday also she hurt my feelings when I tried to talk to her when studying. It’s really not that serious but I don’t want to be too detailed here.

Basically, she has been this independent girl from young in terms of having to do her stuff and really has not had anyone in her personal space if u get what I mean.

She immediately regretted saying anything hurtful to me and we both just cry it off. I just cannot handle too much emotions in the long run.

As a guy, I haven’t even cried like this in years and not even when I was deep in panic attacks and stuff last year. I love her so much and so does she but we really are lost on how to navigate this compatibility issue I suppose. Both of us are willing to fight for this and work things out.

My husband (34M) and I (31F) have been together for 12 years and married for just over a year.

For the past six months, he’s been experiencing a significant change in how he feels about our relationship. He’s become emotionally distant, increasingly uncertain about our marriage, and has expressed doubts about whether he wants to stay.

However, my suspicions about relationship OCD (ROCD) go back much further than these past six months. Looking back over our 12 years together, I’ve noticed patterns of relationship doubts and behaviours that made me wonder whether ROCD could have been present long before our current marital crisis.

We recently arranged a consultation with a therapist who reportedly specializes in ROCD. She met with my husband individually, and after speaking with him, apparently concluded that he doesn’t have ROCD.

What confuses me is the reasoning she reportedly gave: If he had ROCD, he would want to make the relationship work. Because he currently seems not to want to, she doesn’t believe he has it.

I’m struggling with that conclusion for several reasons.

First, his current desire to leave the marriage is relatively new. For most of our 12-year relationship, he wasn’t expressing this kind of desire to leave. My concerns about possible ROCD relate primarily to patterns that existed before this recent change.

Second, I’m wondering whether someone with longstanding ROCD symptoms could reinterpret our history in light of his compulsions that have never been treated.

Third, I’m not sure how thoroughly his earlier relationship history was explored during the assessment, or whether the focus was primarily on his current feelings about the marriage.

I understand that ROCD cannot be diagnosed simply because someone has relationship doubts, and I’m not trying to insist that my husband has it. I’m also aware that I wasn’t present for the consultation and may not have the full picture of the therapist’s reasoning.

But I’m genuinely wondering whether not currently wanting to save a relationship is, by itself, a clinically valid reason to rule out ROCD, particularly when the suspected symptoms predate the current relationship crisis by years.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Can ROCD coexist with genuine ambivalence about staying, or even a desire to leave? And for those who have undergone an ROCD assessment, how much attention was given to your longer-term history rather than just your current feelings?

I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people familiar with OCD assessment or who have experienced ROCD themselves.

I’ve been dealing with lots of doubt and overthinking since about three months into my relationship (we’ve now been together for 1 year and 2 months). In the beginning I was nothing but happy 24/7. That’s probably the happiest I’d been in years. I was scared he might be losing interest but he reassured me that wasn’t the case but ever since then the thoughts only got worse and worse and I had no idea about ROCD, so I thought that everything I was experiencing was a “sign” that we should break up. The days before he asked me to be his gf I suspected it and was so excited, but when it was actually happening I was thinking “should I be more excited?” “Why do I feel like this?” “Are these thoughts because I know deep down he’s not the one?” And it seemed like they just kept getting more and more intense after we became official. It got to the point that I would just cry for hours bc I genuinely was convinced I needed to break up with him, but every time I had the thought of breaking up I would cry.

Once I discovered ROCD, I thought this is exactly what I experience, but now, with everything I think I’m trying to decipher if it’s my real thoughts or OCD. Sometimes it genuinely feels so real that I still don’t know if I’m just telling myself it’s ROCD because I don’t want to accept the truth. I’m also not diagnosed, but I strongly suspect that I have contamination OCD and other subtypes, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I have ROCD as well. Anyway, I’ve had really really bad days where I think I just need to breakup with him, even though I know I would be absolutely heartbroken and completely unsure if I made the right decision. And I have days where I feel so certain that I want to stay with him, but I’m just at a breaking point where I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s gotten to the point where the entire time we are together, and I mean like every minute, I am overthinking about everything he does and everything I feel. We could be just driving somewhere and I am analyzing everything trying to decide if things mean we are incompatible, if we need to break up, if I’m just stringing him along. The worst part is I feel horrible guilt all the time for having these thoughts. This is also my first relationship so I really struggle with knowing what is a big deal and what isn’t.

I’ve had a LOT of thoughts where if if he does something nice for me I think “this means I should stay with him” and if he does something that I don’t like, even if it’s very small, I will think “this means I need to break up with him”. I recently opened up to him about suspecting that I have OCD, and he knows some things are related to him but he doesn’t know that I have all these doubts about breaking up with him or obsessing over if he is the one. I don’t think it would be helpful to tell him everything, and I’ve tried to hide it for so long bc I didn’t want to hurt him.

Recently, it’s also started to affect our intimacy, and he has no idea, which is making me scared to do anything again. Last time we had sex I started crying because I was just so exhausted from having all these thoughts like “do I feel how you should feel, am I turned on enough, does this mean we’re not compatible?”. He didn’t know that I was crying and I feel like it would make him think he’s doing something wrong. I’m anxious at the thought of doing anything again, but I also don’t want to tell him about this. I’m just trying to figure out how to fix all of this (while still wondering if all of these thoughts aren’t OCD and just mean I should break up with him). If you’ve experienced similar thoughts or feelings please let me know what you did and how you are now. I genuinely feel as if I can’t continue my life this way. (Sorry this post is so long)

Hi - for context, I have depression, anxiety and OCD.

I have been with my fiance for four years. In a lot of ways, he is perfect. He’s kind, gentle, caring, smart, and so heartbreakingly loyal to me. He looks at me like I hung the moon and I know a person like him is one in a million. I don’t have a negative thing to say about his character and he truly is one of the best people I’ve met and the best thing that’s happened to me.

But lately, I’ve been feeling so unhappy and sad. I don’t feel excitement when I see him (of course I’m happy to see him but I don’t feel excited? Elated?) and I don’t feel devastated to say goodbye to him (we are long distance and he visits me every two weeks. I used to sob when he left because I miss him so much and now I’m perfectly fine. I’m not happy to see him go I just feel very neutral).

I think a part of me is also tired by the little things. We had to do a lot of work in the beginning for him to be a good boyfriend (getting gifts, planning dates, etc.) I had to tell him to do those things and he’s been doing it so well for the past few years but I still don’t feel this elated feeling when he does… maybe it’s because I feel like I coached him into doing it. And he can be forgetful sometimes, saying he’ll get me something and not doing it, etc.

And the kicker … he really tries during sex but it always hurts. He goes down on me and really tries to give me pleasure and it feels nice but I never cum. I don’t know if there is something wrong with my body but yeah.

I’ve also just been hyperfixated on his health to the point that I’m so stressed (I think this is where the OCD is really going crazy). He’s gained a good amount of weight in the relationship and has a beer gut now, and while he is handsome, I just don’t feel super attracted to him the way I used to. But more than the body stuff, it’s a lifestyle issue. I had to encourage him to workout, to eat healthy, and he is trying to do those things and get more lean, but I feel like I’m constantly coaching him and encouraging him and I’m just tired. I want him to just do it on his own.

He’s my best friend and I know I will always love him. I just don’t know if I’m in love with him. My mom says that I’m being crazy and that I will regret letting a good person like that go, and maybe she’s right. I’ve also been getting crazy urges to break up and solve this immediately, which makes me think this is the ROCD talking and not my gut? But I don’t know. I’m so confused and scared. Without him, I’m truly alone. My family lives in another country and I only have a couple of friends. He really is my everything and the best person, and I don’t want to let him go but I’m just not happy right now.

This past weekend, we took a 48 hour break from the relationship because I just needed some space. That broke him. He sobbed and said he would never love again and that I’m his everything. I feel like a villiain and I know if we break up, I would cause him so much pain. I’m sorry this is so long. I just don’t know what to do.

My relationship is the worst it has ever been right now. We've both been committed to each other but right now things feel rocky. Lately I've been feeling really scared that at any moment I'll suddenly come to a permanent understanding that I am firmly done with this relationship. I don't want to lose hope. I want to keep working to fix things. But I have this deep fear that I'll wake up and be done with finality. Like my body or nervous system will decide for me. It's causing me panic and anxiety and making it hard for me to relax. Can anyone offer exercises I could do? I feel like I can't relax because I can't let this happen.

I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. I love my fiancé. I want to marry them. Intimacy is good, we both get very turned on, I love their face, I enjoy touching them and watching them etc. They are my best friend and we love spending time together and we can talk about anything and work on issues proactively together. I want to grow old with them.

My OCD started acting up on our anniversary. I wanted to do something nice since they give me calming touches at night and sometimes I’m too sleepy to give them a quality one back, so I set up our massage table and gave them a calming massage with a happy ending lol.

Now, we both have PCOS and hormonal issues and chronic cortisol/stress and PTSD. Obviously despite what we do there is going to be slight issues with our physical health due to these, and this is never something that’s bothered me or that I really dwell on.

I noticed while giving them a massage that part of their body looked unappealing and I glossed over it telling myself, “bodies are weird, we’re just humans, I don’t really care about that.” After all bodies ARE pretty weird looking. Are there ideals, sure. But rare.

Then I started spiraling for even having those thoughts. I know it’s normal to have moments where you don’t always find your partner attractive. That’s not what I’m taking about. I’m mostly talking about their body shape. I don’t really think much about it, until I looked on Reddit and I saw posts about people who cared deeply for their partners but didn’t necessarily find their physical bodies all that appealing and the comments were filled with “break up it’s not fair they deserve someone who finds them attractive 100% and is obsessed with them.”

I started hyperventilating and crying and haven’t left my bed for the last two days because I don’t want to break up I love them so much and I didn’t think it was a big deal until I saw that. And yes, maybe it’s true that their physical body is not my ideal but that’s pretty damn hard to achieve or maintain…. And looks will fade and life happens. Are there long term relationships where someone can be emotionally attracted, sexually attracted, AND find the look or shape of their partners body 100% perfect?

Now I feel intense guilt and wonder if I should tell them which would be devastating to hear, just so they have the autonomy to decide if that’s fair to them or not. Of course I want them to be happy and have everything they deserve. I feel like I just can’t win here. I don’t want them to struggle with their image more than they already do, especially from someone they are supposed to trust. But now I wonder if they are meant to be with someone who finds their physical body perfect and beautiful as they are, as well as being emotionally and sexually attracted to them. I’ve been panicking.

Does physical attraction to a body matter that much if you love them and don’t feel lacking anywhere sexually or emotionally?

please help.

Hi everybody! First post here but long time observer, thanks ROCD. I’m looking for online websites/ companies that specialize in ROCD/ OCD therapy. I’ve been seeing stuff about the company ‘NOCD’ and wanted to get different options. Thanks!

Long ass rant from a shitty person who is scared of the future and things regarding their partner questioning their gender/possibly being trans <- the initial post for some context of how I might have ended up here, but tl;dr: my partner is exploring their gender identity and expression, and it sent me into a spiral. Since I posted it, my partner says they're currently identifying as masc, presenting nonbinary, and prefer to use he/they publicly and any pronouns in private between us, and they're fine with things right now. They're also interested in going poly but have offered to not get into anything rn and only send me any informational posts regarding the idea, but I'm still spiraling and have worried that I either have ROCD or that the whole thing has made me genuinely lose feelings for them because of all this or something else. Also, sorry if there are times where I seem unserious or jokey and if that's inappropriate or triggering - I've just been trying to add levity to what feels like an all-consuming situation/mindscape.

So, when my (22 AFAB) partner (22 Amab) told me they were questioning their gender and thinking about being more feminine, I started spiraling. I lurked on r/mypartneristrans Reddit, went through every story, every bit of advice regarding possible transition, attraction, how to support them, how to navigate possible changes in relationships/relationship dynamic changes such as poly, opening the relationship in the near future if we're still together, etc. I even bought a book because I thought, and it also felt like everything had shifted, and that my partner would change or had already changed overnight, and one person in the reviews for said book said it saved their marriage, and I thought maybe if I read it, it could save my relationship if/when anything progressed and changed in ways I might not have been able to handle. Maybe I can't; I dunno. Anyways, I thought that things were already changing, and I read into and still read into every little thing my partner has been doing and talking about, and put my own meaning to it even when my partner immediately and bluntly tells me why they did certain things, and it's the simplest things in the world. Like shaving - I never used to care if they shaved their facial hair or not (i thought it tickled when they would kiss me when they had facial hair, but I think that was about it), but since they've been shaving their facial hair, my thoughts have immediately been jumping to "oh god, it's happening. Everything is changing already. Do I really want this? I don't think I really want this. Oh god, it's already over, isn't it? Am I falling out of love with them? I think I just did? Fuck I'm a horrible person" instead of what my partner is directly saying, which is that, in general, they don't like how facial hair looks on them (they don't grow facial hair in the middle of their lip, and they are not a fan of how it looks on their chin/neck, and they also don't sensorily like how it feels on them (scratchy and uncomfortable).

Even something as simple as last night, when they were talking about maybe dying and bleaching their hair and changing up their hairstyle, gave me such a large anxiety spike and spiraled, swinging between "Is this them wanting to be more femme/in relation to their gender expression exploration?" and "They're changing so much, are they even going to be the same person anymore?" when they have expressed to me in the past that they did use to dye their hair in high school and are just interested in doing it again now that they're wanting to try and change up their style and express themselves in a more general sense when they were afraid to in fear of what people might say or think about them (they struggled a lot with internalized homophobia/biphobia and overall just comfortability with themselves and now that they made more open and kind friends, they have felt more happy and comfortable having fun and finding themselves), and I know I should be happy and chill, but I can't stop spiraling and assigning meaning to things that are cut and dry and searching for reassurance that everything will be alright or what will happen in the future. I keep trying to mind-read and read into every little thing, and it makes me explode into a ball of anxiety and tears.

For something more concrete, here's a bullet list of possible signs(?)/behaviors that I think might be ROCD or have led me to believe I have ROCD:

• Rumination/ thoughts about the future/uncertainty regarding my relationship with my partner (i.e., what if we fall out of love? What if I am falling out of love with them/have already fallen out of love with them? What if I am stringing them along and should break up with them and stop leading them on, like a lot of people on Reddit say I'm doing? Am I stringing them along? Are these my true feelings? Do I not want to be with them anymore just because I think I might change?)
• Feelings monitoring - looking at pictures of us/them to see if I still feel a giddy, butterflies-in-my-tummy feeling and punishing myself and/or overthinking when I don't. Looking at my partner and being scared when I don't feel anything or when I feel anxious.
• The "numbness" a lot of people feel - I know it's probably that I've just been so stressed and anxious about everything that it's hard to feel pleasure and love and so on. I still laugh and have fun with my partner to some degree, but there's always this lingering anxiety and discomfort and numbness there that wasn't there a week or so ago, even when I was struggling with these spiraling thoughts and fears of change, and it's sent me into a whole other spiral, wondering if we're in love and all that crap.
• Urges and what I think are compulsions/seeking reassurance - i.e., going to Reddit/the internet for every little thing to see if we would work out, if we have to break up, change our dynamic, to see if weed helps you be more relaxed than SSRIs, and whether they can help you fall back in love with your partner or what their effect is on relationships. I even took up daily praying (I am Catholic, though mostly a casual Catholic - don't go to church every Sunday; prayed sometimes when I was feeling overwhelmed or scared about being sick (I have chronic pain/chronic I be shitting disease and other stuff)), but it's become a bigger station in my life. I pray almost every day in the morning to help my relationship and our love life survive, and to see whether my hesitation is a sign that we should break up. I have the urge to break up but have trouble trying to figure out if it's because of legitimate reasons or my thoughts just telling me I should because it will make me feel better, only for it to actually be the worst mistake of my life?
• Magical thinking? - i.e., thinking that everything is a sign that it's over or will be over, or just in general thinking everything is a sign, that everything will lead me to break up or for us to grow apart, and that it's a sign for me to get out. From thinking detachment subliminals (I listened to subs way before all of this to boost my confidence and get magic money (apparently a lot of jobs aren't into the whole "ibs and possibly accommodations thing.") with show me that we are meant to fall apart to songs about breaking up or having to move on. I even contacted an Etsy witch (which no offense or shade to practicing witches or Etsy witches) to inquire about a love honey jar spell to allow me to continue to be attracted to and in love with my partner forever, only for me to leave her on read after one or two questions because I immediately convinced myself that my intentions weren't pure and things would go haywire immediately (I feel like I should get back to her at some point though. I feel bad leaving her on read).
• Really horrible, possibly thoughts and urges to say that I don't want things to change, like it will feel better when I know (or I think I know) that that is an awful thing to say, and even if all of this stuff would "go away" or that maybe things only do change slightly or "go back to the way they were", I would feel like it was my fault and that I was making my partner suppress themselves and I would never let go of what is real or what was my own doing?
• Questioning my own gender & sexuality & allyship? - Up until now, I considered myself to be bi and genderfluid. Many of my friends are nonbinary and queer, and I support them. I write/wrote (school and mental health bullshit make it hard to find time or want to write for pleasure recently), but since this happened, I've been questioning myself. Wondering if I was ever bi or genderqueer at all, or if I am just cis and straight and have been lying to everyone and myself, and now this is just exposing the truth about myself. I really do think I am - when I used to want to go by my masc name when I was in what I thought was in a masc mood/boy moding, I would be giddy and happy and would want more people to call me by that name. I got what I thought was dysphoria once or twice; I even got kind of excited when I was around 14 or 15 when a waitress at the IHOP thought I was a boy, but now I'm thinking that that was all a lie and I was just playing a part and lying because I wanted to be special or something. Whenever I try to think of my masc name in my head, a little voice pops up and shouts, "I'm not gay! I'm straight! I'm not a boy!" and I don't know if that's normal or OCD, or am I really just a liar, poser, fetishist, etc? (Not asking for an actual answer to any of the questions or reassurance - I know if this is ocd or ocd traits, looking for answers can just contribute to the cycle of spiraling.) I can't even be normal about still being bi and just having preferences or attractions for certain people; I just jump to "I'm a fucking liar."
• Physical/persistent symptoms of anxiety - pounding heart all day, tension headaches, crying a bunch, etc.

Things have only gotten more confusing now that we've kind of been talking about poly - my partner used to be in a toxic poly relationship in high school, and initially, when we were going out, they said they weren't interested in poly after that relationship, but since we've been together and been doing things in a healthier way than a lot of their past romantic relationships and my regular relationships with people, they want to try again. They clearly stated that it's not because our relationship lacks anything or they want to replace me, but I've just been spiraling again. Like, what if they see that their possible future partner is better suited to their needs and wants, and they do end up wanting to replace me? What if we get into poly and I end up being the one to find someone else and replace them, and only keep them around out of fear of breaking their heart? What if I'm taking poly as an out for my problems without feeling bad? I've known myself to be monogamous, but in reality, I've only dated two people over the course of my life (one in middle school, if that even counts as dating, and one guy in freshman year of high school for 6 months before he dumped me over text) - what if I don't take to poly well or lose my relationship to poly? I'm just feeling a lot of things and thinking a lot of thoughts, and I can't really tell what's what anymore.

I am a huge daydreamer, and used to easily daydream of our life together - living together, just the two of us, or with family & friends in an indie movie sort of way in a house (which in this economy is a fantasy) or an apartment, with adopted or bio kids and dogs and stuff- but now everything feels really uncertain, and those fantasies get cut off with negative thoughts and proclamations that everything is over and things will change and so on, and I can hardly sit and enjoy what I have with my partner - who is amazing and been so loving and caring and awesome and great - without thinking about the future and losing my partner and change and all this crap.

So, I'll try to keep this to one or two questions that I hope aren't just me seeking reassurance in disguise - Does this sound like ROCD or similar to ROCD/OCD traits and thoughts? I would ask if anyone has been through similar situations (possible poly, gender identity stuff, etc.), but I feel like that falls into answer-seeking, and I'm trying to avoid that or giving that to someone else. I'm just losing my mind here.

I have plans to seek out a new therapist - one well-versed in LGBTQ+ and gender issues and possibly see if what I have is OCD or ROCD or something, but I'm not sure if there's someone who does both in a balanced way, and I don't know where I'd even find one. I do have a therapist, but her specialty is mainly in depression, anxiety, and trauma (and I have only been diagnosed/experience the first two on that list), and we haven't really been clicking for a while now. My peer support group leader recommended I try talking to her before cutting things off, to see if we can work on our patient-therapist relationship before I make any decisions about the future, though this is the one thing I think I am actually adamant about. I would rather have someone who can help me with what I'm struggling with than someone who could be feeding into possible intrusive thoughts.

Going to go now - I've been behind on assignments, and I took so much time to write this post instead of my essays, and I need to get on that. Preemptive thanks to everyone who replies, and special thanks to the two users in my previous post on r/mypartneristrans who gave some good advice in the comments of my last post. They were very sweet.

ETA: It hasn't even been a full day, and I'm already coming in here because I don't think I explained myself well - I'm caught wondering whether I have ROCD, a mix of that and the preemptive grief that many people discussed when it comes to a partner questioning their gender identity, or if it's none of those things and if I just suck and have already lost feelings for my partner? Feeling really lost and scared.

I’ve been for almost three year w the best partner I could ever ask for, the love of my life and the safest person made for me. I started to have anxiety our fist year together because I had a terrible fear of ever hurting him loke cheating, when I’d never do that. And now this year I’ve had the longest anxiety wave. It started w me suddenly thinking what if he cheated on me? When that’d be impossible cuz he adores me in the purest way. And it started evolving every time I overcame any anxiety thought into turning everything I love about him all the way around. For example, what if he hurt a woman? When he is the most feminist person I know, or what if he molested a child? When he is the most respectful, caring, pure hearted person I’ve ever met and I’ve always dreamt of us having children and how hell be the best that ever. Im overwhelmed cuz I want to have my life w him and I’m going to do so, but I don’t want this thoughts to be in my head. Any words of support or hope?

slight trigger warning for things like manifestation / prayers!! i don't want to upset or trigger anyone!

i know this sounds childish and silly, but please don't mock me for this

i've had a crush on my boyfriend for a few years now, we've had instances in the past where we've gotten together but broken up as it just wasn't the best time for either of us, but we recently got back together a few days ago, and our relationship is very healthy at the moment - my boyfriend is basically the only person i've had a genuine crush on ever, so he's the only person i've ever wanted

a few weeks ago, i was scrolling on social media and saw a post talking about how someone prayed to this like fictional character to get a partner and it worked for them? this character is known to have a lot of coincidences with real life incidents, so i laughed and also prayed for a partner by the end of the month as a joke

a couple days after that me and my boyfriend started getting a lot closer than we usually would, we'd hang out daily, call for hours, talk way more than we did before and i could tell he was starting to develop some sort of crush on me

important information: my crush previously identified as aromantic, i 100% respected that and i have never made a move on him since he came out, and even before then i was extremely subtle about my crush

a couple days before he confessed to me, he changed his label to aroflux ( short explanation, forgive me if incorrect: someone who's romantic attraction can fluctuate between feeling nothing and genuine romantic attraction; it depends on the person however )

i'm terrified that me jokingly saying that prayer caused our relationship. the last thing i want is for him to not have control over himself, and i've been starting to avoid him out of fear which hurts so badly because i love him

what do i even do in a situation like this?
( sorry if this isn’t the right place to go for this, i can't post it on the general ocd subreddit as my account is only a week old )

I’m dating this amazing guy but I am constantly self sabotaging in my head. I think it stems from how with all of my serious relationships, the guy was the one to end things first. And so I think I just assume things will end and that he will end them at some point. He’s told me how he has ended things with every girl he’s dated for various reasons and I try to remind myself that they aren’t me and my relationship with him is different but can’t help but think otherwise. Whenever I get upset at him or maybe he’s a little drier that day or expressed some annoyance I blow it out of proportion (in my head at least) and assume that he’s gonna end things with me. It makes me constantly doubt us and I hate how I can’t just live in the present. I’m always worried about all the what ifs and the future. It keeps fucking up my head because I constantly have one foot out the door out of fear that he’s gonna step out first. I can’t help but think that it’s gonna end at some point and that scares me.

Hi everyone,

I’m 38, have ADHD and struggle with overthinking my relationship. I’m wondering if what I’m experiencing could be related to ROCD.

I’ve been in a relationship for about two years, and we have genuine, ongoing problems, especially with emotional intimacy, communication and physical affection. These aren’t imagined issues, and I’ve been unhappy about certain things for a long time.

But what concerns me is how obsessively I think about my relationship. I constantly analyze my partner’s behavior, replay conversations, try to understand why he acts the way he does and search for explanations or solutions.

It’s like my brain is trying to solve a problem 24/7 but never reaches a conclusion.

Even when I actively want to focus on something else, like my career, personal goals or simply enjoying my life, my thoughts automatically return to my relationship.

Sometimes I lie awake for hours thinking about it. During particularly difficult periods, I feel an overwhelming urge to discuss things with my partner, send multiple messages or get answers immediately.

What I’m struggling to understand is the difference between normal rumination about a genuinely difficult relationship and obsessive thinking associated with ROCD.

I don’t necessarily doubt whether I love my partner. I’m more obsessed with understanding his behavior, figuring out whether things will ever change and what I should do about the relationship. (Stay or leave)

I’m not looking for a diagnosis or reassurance about whether I should stay or leave.

I’m curious whether anyone with ROCD experiences this kind of repetitive analysis, especially when there are actual relationship problems involved.

Hi, all. I hope you’re well. I would like to put this thought out there and see if anyone has anything to add/comment on/share…

My ROCD comes in two types:

(1) I am not good enough for my partner. Everybody before me was better. I keep comparing myself to previous partners of him. The thought that guides my mind is: I am not enough. This path of compulsive thought is the most common one.

(2) He is lying to me. He has lied about his past. There is something he is hiding from me. He has not been honest. This is not as recurring but I have been in two of these loops in the last days.

Anybody relates? Is this normal? Thanks.

I (M33) have been in a relationship with a (F31) for almost 3 years now. These are the things my mind struggles with in everyday life around my romantic relationship

1. After a fight / argument, I obsess over it in my mind, almost create a caricature of myself and her and say everything there is to say. It happens also on days when there are no fights, but the mind lingers on these 'fight monologues' randomly and I have to consciously pull myself out of it.
2. We have had a rough road up until here because of my avoidant personality and her anxious attachment patterns. But even on days when things are good, my mind obsesses over questioning the 'good' of it, if I'm being real about 'feeling good' or become painful to myself about checking if I'm performing or not - it gets too hazy in my mind while I keep a 'fine' facade on the front
3. Questioning everything internally. I read somewhere on this sub that spoke volumes to me in a way nothing had - "its like feeling trapped by a fear of being trapped". This is the worse that gets to me. I have serious doubts about the future of this relationship and the problem isn't the real, rational or tangible challenges at hand - it is the compulsive questioning, unchecked anxiety around it, non-stop mental banter and feeling numb when asked about the future.

Can someone please help me understand if these are ROCD symptoms or not. I feel mentally fractured from it on most days. If the signs to do suggest of ROCD, I will try to seek help because I am sinking everyday. If not, I have no idea what the fuck will I do about it but I'll atleast know I need to look for help in another direction.

If you'll have read till here please treat this as URGENT and kindly share your wisdom in the comments. Thank you already.