Coming off a bad trip. I try and mainly only get high when my friend is over. I've known him since middle school (I'm 23 now for reference. We've known each other for going on 12 years now).
I mainly got into Mushrooms to explore my divine spiritual connection, processing emotions I'm having a bad time understanding and understanding concepts/traumas I couldn't piece together.
I went to this close friend of mine since I trust him to not be reckless and know what he's on. I ask for his recommendations and trust his input (paired with my own research ofc). He's got me on road trip gummies and plur. Even helping me get more comfortable with THC.
This weekend is the first time in months we've hung out and we wanted to get extra high. My friend has a coworker that he goes to for drug recommendations. This coworker is actually the one that got my friend on plur to begin with. When he came over this time he brought over some pills that he was recommended by this coworker.
"Special Biskuitx" Marketed as having no THC, no CBD or kratom.
We took it and it wasn't that great. It made us both anxious and super awkward. Getting in our own heads.
The next day we try doing the road trip mushrooms and the high is barely hitting me and my buddy. Well, not hitting my friend at all to be honest.
We decided to take half a THC gummy (50 mg for the whole gummy) to get high. Our thought process was that the pill we took hit our serotonin receptors and built a tolerance. I don't know if it was the prior chemicals from the pill still in my system or the mushroom gummies, but it was fucking our shit up.
I green out from half a gummy of THC.
Like I said I've been getting high to better understand myself. Most of the time when I'm confronted with the "infinity of everything" it's awesome and it just makes me super euphoric. However, this and the only previous time I've greened out I had a panic attack and started hyper looping on the void/death. Not to mention my gender dysphoria and fear of being alone.
This time of the year (fall) is generally hard for me. My suicide attempts, my best friends suicide, my trauma around being adopted, my brother's death. Not to mention I hate the cold.
After taking plur with my buddy I was super close to opening up about being non-binary and wearing feminine clothes/presenting feminine. However, I'm in a conflicted position.
I don't have a lot of friends, even fewer who I trust to get high with. This friend is someone who is consistent in my life and comes over a lot. He's unironically been over more than 1000 times.
However, despite this trust/connection I'm hesitant to be open about this experience/existential crisis because he can be pretty judgemental. He's super critical of cosplay, anime and the lgbtq community. Always acting uncomfortable with gay topics and aggressively denying being gay. Acting offended with the implication. Using being gay as an insult.
When I started greening out I was hyper focused on that realization of my gender and death. He could tell I was fucked up and just something in his tone and way he acted made him seem uncomfortable. Which, I mean fair. How are you supposed to react to someone greening out? I also got the impression he was being judgemental about greening out on just half a gummy. Which we both know I'm a light weight?
I couldnt really talk and couldn't think so I realize immediately I just need to lay down and call it a night. I feel bad obviously, but I need advice on how to move forward.
How do I approach this? He obviously knows what happened and whatever I saw fucked me up. I just can't verbalize it. I'm dodging and avoiding it. The THC has worn off now and I'm not feeling physical panic and can still remember what was causing the fear.
Do I just tell him Im feminine presenting? That I wear female clothes? I'm less scared if he's accepting and more worried about being alone. If he doesn't accept me, oh well I guess? I'd rather not have a bigot as a friend, but at the same time I know I need friends where I feel safe to get high around and who I have a history with.
How do I open up about "experiencing death"? How truly terrifying that is. Feeling vividly trapped in the concept of infinity? Like, the hells of seeing the "cycle of life" and not having a choice of existing inside of it?
Obviously I'm still coming off a high and Im not sure if I'm getting everything off correctly, so apologies if this wall of text could have been summarized better. Your opinion or suggestions are welcome. Thank you