Recently, I discovered that I am a masochist. I like physical pain, but it doesn't aroused me. I just enjoy the sensation of spanking. But I have a degradation kink, maybe with humiliation, it turn me on to be degraded. (I'm not much into verbally humiliation, more sexual humiliation) I'm also interested into power exchange dynamic and pet play.
A thing I want to precise: I'm not interested into having a partner. I don't feel any sexual attraction towards people. It's only fantasy or solo. (The only "person' I feel sexual attraction isn't real lol. I say attraction, not luxure. Of what I understand, luxure is when you objectified someone, even if he's fictional, I don't.) I don't have the intention of having a partner(at least, "real" one), if one day I have one, it will be because God have decided it. I want to precise, because I don't want have comment "if your partner is consent, no problem" I don't have a partner and not interested into having one.
I also enjoy sexual fiction, especially sadomasochism one. I really like dark/psychological yaoi/BL. I daydream, kinda a lot or litlle, depending of my mood, about sexual fantasies, involving characters I have created. I don't feel attraction toward them, it just for fun. Exploring different type of dynamic, with different type of characters. Often involving my kink, who is power exchange and pet play, with humiliation,degradation, and BDSM in general. Can be more extreme cause it's only in my head. It also can involve sadomasochism, sometimes in a extreme way. (But always consent)Like I say, I don't really feel aroused by it. I don't masturbates when I daydream about it. The reaction I can have, for both reading and daydream, is like a teenager girl who enjoys fluffy romance. (Like: xeidjsmeksk it's so cute!!". I have the same reaction with fluff than smut lol)
I'm really ashamed to like it, even if it doesn't aroused me. I am ashamed of be aroused by the idea of getting humiliated and degraded. I am ashamed to enjoy and be aroused by the idea of be "someone pet" (the "someone" is a fictional character , always the same, for precision.) I am ashamed to enjoy wear a dog collar, imagining I belong to him. I am ashamed to enjoy NSFW media. I am ashamed to enjoying daydream about sexual things. I am ashamed to daydream about bdsm.
I have tried to stop, I have try to ignore it. But it always come back.. I don't know if it's liking that who is the problem or if it's the shame I feel for liking it. I feel like I can't look at God because I like that. But even if I do like it doesn't exist, it's still exist. Even if I ignore my degradation kink, it still here. And will always be. I had it as long I remember, even when I was a kid. I'know trauma get it worse, but I think it was maybe even before. Sometimes I wonder why God gave give me a degradation kink if it's something bad. They say it's God who decides and control everything, so it's mean that He decide our kink, no? Even if it's not, how I'm supposed get "rid of it"? I have try, but I start to wonder if it's not a part of myself, that I can't get rid of it. It doesn't bother on my daily life, in fact, it sometimes had help me, to deal with anxiety and depression. For the first, I can act on it, but always solo. For the second, it's just daydream. Both doesn't involve other person. I consider the second like a hobby. I don't always do it, sometimes I find sexual fiction boring, and just don't daydream nor read/watch it. Like I say, I have try to stop it, I have try to stop daydreaming, reading/watching but I don't succeed. I also have try to stop "acting' on my degradation kink and sexual stuff. But it's difficult because I have a big libido, I'm often horny for no reason. So it can give me frustration, the sensation of be horny is overwhelming.