I’m 19F, and honestly, I don’t really know what I’m hoping to get out of writing this. Maybe I just need to tell someone who doesn’t know me, because I’m so tired of explaining myself to the people around me.
My family is small. My dad is an only child, my mum is estranged from her family, and the only biological family I have therefore left is my mum, dad, little sister, grandma and grandpa. That’s it. I don’t have aunts or uncles I’m close to, cousins I can turn to, or a big extended family to fall back on. I don’t really have friends anymore, either but that's okay.
And almost everyone in that small circle is struggling in one way or another.
My grandma has dementia of some sorts. My grandpa has Parkinson’s and is becoming increasingly depressed. He recently told me that he feels he has lived a good life and is tired of living. He is frightened of losing more of his mental abilities and his independence. His doctors have determined that he no longer has the mental capacity to make certain decisions, including decisions related to euthanasia, so he can't have it. From my conversations with him, I feel he can still communicate and understand far more than people give him credit for, although I’m probably not the one qualified to assess that ig, it's just my personal observations.
Seeing him like that broke my heart.
My mum has a really bad autoimmune disease linked to her hormones, and I’m scared it might be cancer and if she doesn't have it yet she will eventually somewhere along the way because she has had real scares like that before.
My dad is an alcoholic because of what i assume just everything, himself, me and sister, grandma and grandpa... Sometimes we get along, and sometimes he can be genuinely proud of me or want to help me. I’m not pretending there are no good moments between us. But his drinking has hurt me deeply, and I have reached a point where I often just laugh along, avoid the subject and try to get through the day without another argument.
Recently, I visited my grandpa and listened to him talk about being tired of life, being completely done and wanting it to basically all just stop, that it's been well but that it deserves an end now that he's still somewhat capable and before he turns into a complete plant. HE told me all of this clearly like a normal person and the doctors say he's still not capable enough anymore... Anyway later, I came home to find my dad drunk as a rock after spending hours drinking with friends. When I tried to talk to him about grandpa and his suffering, he started yelling and acting out what he thought my grandpa would eventually become (sitting and eating and then bending over like the people sometimes do at the nursing home, being lifeless). I went to my room and cried like i do most days if not everyday.
I don’t know how to quite explain what it feels like to grieve and watch all the people you love deteriorate rapidly while having almost no control over any of it.
And then there’s me.
I’m trying to build a life of my own. I work part-time at a sandwich bar. I actually like and enjoy my job. I earn well and honest for the hours I work. I like staying physically active, I do my best, and the job meets the conditions I want from employment and work in general. I’m also applying for graphic design jobs because I have an interest and background in that field.
I recently got invited to an interview for a graphic design position. I was genuinely excited. I gathered some of my old artwork from school, including work I had put away because that period of my life was so painful. I had been deeply deeply depressed, and the people around me, including teachers, made me feel as though I was failing and that me and my work weren’t good enough, a lot of my classmates i remember were deeply depressed i know i use that word a lot but that was just the feeling and notion that these 4 teachers brought and implemented to the classroom on purpose or not.
Looking at that work again, I was surprised by how much I had done and how beautiful some of it actually was. For once, I could look at something I had made and honestly tell myself that I had done well.
I was proud of myself for surviving and still being there and working so hard.
But even at the interview, the person I spoke to described my current job as low-level work and said you have to start somewhere. I understand that he might have meant it practically, but I don’t understand why people always seem to make comments like that when they find out where I work. it sounds so demeaning and belittling to me.
I’m not ashamed of my job. I’m not a sandwich. I’m a person who happens to work at a sandwich bar. My job is one part of my life, not my entire identity. I can like my current job and still apply for something else. I can be ambitious without treating my current circumstances as embarrassing.
I’m tired of people assuming that I must be disappointed in myself just because they think I should be doing something more 'prestigious'.
My dad has also said things that make me doubt myself so did my mom. I remember both of them saying when i was in that depressed period in school and i wasn't myself... both of them saying on different occasions that I would never accomplish anything meaningful in life that brought me even deeper down. Those exact words have stayed with me until now. Sometimes, whenever someone makes a comment about my job, my choices or my abilities, I feel as though they are confirming that they were right.
I start thinking that everyone can see something about me that I can’t. That they all think I’m naive, childish or stupid, and that my hope for a better future is just me lying to myself. but that trying is better than just dropping dead like i should.
I know that isn’t necessarily true. But knowing that logically doesn’t make the feeling disappear.
I’m also trying to move out, save money, study for my driving licence, work on bicycles, find better opportunities and manage my mental health. I’m trying to do all these things while living in an environment where I feel I don’t really feel emotionally safe or supported.
I badly need professional mental-health help i know and have realised that, because i've been in a certain very bad state of mind for what i realise has been years now, i just forgot about it and it became my new normal while knowing it was and is anything but and i learned to after school slowly (physically) function again but the thoughts never left. I’ve been struggling for a really long time. I’m on waiting lists, but I’ve been waiting for months. I can’t afford the level of care I think I need. My dad doesn’t believe I need professional help, and although my mum acknowledges that I need it, she says she can’t afford it. This is difficult for me to understand when she has been able to afford several long holidays and other things for herself. I know I don’t necessarily know every detail of her finances, but it hurts to feel as though my mental health is something that can always be postponed.
I’m not expecting therapy to magically fix my family. I know it can’t make my dad stop drinking or make my grandparents healthy. But I feel as though I need help to deal with everything that is happening, and I can’t access it at the level I need.
I feel stuck in limbo.
The other day, I found myself crying alone, wishing everyone would disappear. Not because I genuinely want to hurt anyone, but because I want the suffering to stop. I want my grandparents to stop suffering. I want my mum to be okay. I want my dad to stop drinking. I want my boyfriend’s family to stop having to deal with so much grief and death of their own. I want to stop feeling like I have to absorb everyone else’s pain while somehow keeping my own life together.
Sometimes I wish everyone could just disappear together and everything could pause. I have no intention of hurting anyone, or myself i've put myself over those ideas some time ago but I’m so tired of the amount of pain surrounding me that even the thought of everything stopping feels comforting.
I’ve also had moments when I don’t want to exist anymore. I’m not saying that for attention. I’m saying it because I don’t know how else to describe how exhausted I feel. I’m trying to get help, but I feel like I’m running out of energy while waiting for it. i feel like wherever i go i run into a wall.
What makes this especially lonely for me is that these people are all the family I have. Even when I’m angry with them, even when they hurt me, they are still my family. I don’t have another network to fall back on.
I sometimes tell myself that I’m used to being alone, i always have been, so I’ll be fine, eventually. But I don’t know whether that’s actually true or whether I’ve just become accustomed to not expecting much from anyone or anything anymore including myself of just life in general.
I don’t want to portray myself as perfect. I get angry, I become resentful, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I just want everyone to leave me alone. I know I have things to work on, too.
But I’m tired of feeling as though every part of my life is being evaluated by someone else. My job, my ambitions, my emotions, my choices, my future. I don’t need everyone to agree with me, and I don’t need people to tell me what I should be doing every time I share something about my life.
Sometimes I just want someone to listen without turning everything I say into a problem to solve.
I’m 19. I know I have a lot to learn. I know my life is only beginning. I’m not expecting to have everything figured out.
I just want to have the chance to build a life that feels like mine, without constantly feeling as though I’m failing at being a person.
I want to be able to enjoy getting an interview, feel proud of my artwork, like my job, make plans for my future and have an ordinary evening without everything being overshadowed by fear, grief or somebody else’s opinion of me.
I’m trying. I really am.
I don’t know what I’m asking for here. Maybe perspective. Maybe someone who has been through something similar. Maybe I just need to know whether it’s understandable to feel this exhausted when you’re only 19.
Because right now, I feel like I’m trying so hard to build a future while barely having the energy to get out of bed and through the day.