I’ve known my partner for 6 years now and he’s never shaved in that time; he’s always rocked a full comfy beard and stash, only trimming every week or so.

I remember (early on) when I discovered the shape of his upper lip because he accidentally trimmed his mustache too short, and I was somehow shocked to discover he had such a cute upper lip

I don’t think about it that often but I truly can’t imagine his face without 50%+ of it covered in hair, kinda spooks me sometimes when I do think about it (but not in any serious way, I love the man, probably still if he’d have no face at all)

(Sometimes I really wanna use an image generator to find out what his face looks like under there but it feels highly invasive and also fuck AI)

Dinner is butternut squash and feta cheese, I think I’ll blend it for a sauce or a soup

I‘m 21 and might have a bit more of a babyface. I get asked my age on dating apps a LOT, even though my age is as visible as anyone else’s. Whenever i say i‘m 21 as stated, they don’t believe me and try to find out my „real age.“

When i ask what age they thought i was when they swiped, they say 16 or 17. When i ask „oh so you were hoping to match with a minor?“ they suddenly turn quiet or i get blocked.

Please, lord, make me look older so i don’t have to deal with creeps anymore.

Also, georgian Manti are 10/10

I'm the gal who's mom broke up with her through email. After a period of no contact my mom has again emailed me to return to a well loved topic: how I ruined our relationship as mother and daughter when I was 10.

To directly quote her email: "I haven’t felt that you’ve been willing to see me as a separate person with my own story since you were about ten years old." This has gone on for some time. She's told me I've hated her since I was 10, I rejected her when I was 10, etc.

I feel very sad for her, that something traumatic likely happened at age 10 to her that she hasn't processed. Also it feels so incredibly wrong to apologize to her for my effect on our relationship as a 10 year old, which is what she's said she wants me to do.

My memories from age 10 are ​being in 4th grade, Mrs. Harmon as my teacher and thinking it's really cool she was a scuba diver. I really wanted bangs and enjoyed walking in the forest near our house. I've read my school journal from that time, I talk about my dog and books I liked. It's hard to remember something that little girl should be apologizing for.

Greek yogurt bowl with chia, flax cereal, granola, peanut butter, and goji berries

Dinner (last night) was an andouille jambalaya themed orzo pasta dish I made for us that came out probably too spicy for him and I feel really bad about that.

Earlier this month it was his birthday. I got him a 100 dollar custom painting, and he apparently really loves it. He seemed genuinely touched by the gift, hung it up in a central place immediately and has mentioned multiple times since then that he really likes it. Earlier this week he told me he had already bought my bday gift, which shocked me cause mine isn't until December.

Last night I went to bed first and on default made his bed before I got into it cause that's a habit I have at home. Under the sheets I found my gift. It is a piece of hardware that he saw me looking at and being in awe about in August. He even got the specific design and color I wanted, which actually makes it more expensive than the standard. This gift is 350 fucking dollars.

I held it in my hand. Everything about it dawned on me. I cried. Re-hid it in a similar place (he'll often forget where he leaves things so I don't think it'll make him suspicious that it's been moved). Now I've spent this whole next day thinking about it and totally freaking out.

We are not in a longterm relationship, this is both our first birthdays spent in a relationship with each other. In my previous relationship, gifts were hard. I would always get him something I felt like was unique and heartfelt and he wasn't expecting. He would always wait til the last minute and ask me straight up what I wanted, and if I couldn't give a straight answer (it's very difficult for me to ask for things outright) he'd get upset. One year I asked for a book for my birthday, he forgot to get it, and didn't get it for me at all until the following June.

This gift from my boyfriend means he remembered a single event, a single item, a single day from over a month ago. He remembered how cool I thought it was. He chose the specific style I wanted even though it makes the price rise an extra 100 bucks. He got it for me as soon as it came off pre-order even if that means he has to keep it hidden for the next two months.

I keep thinking about it and crying. I know it's just cause of my shitty relationship history but I feel so undeserving. I'm such a mix of happiness and confusing sadness right now and I don't know which to focus on. If he stays with me up to my birthday and gives it to me I know I'll have no issue conjuring tears again.

Matched with a guy on a dating app in the morning. We had really good chemistry chatting and sending voice notes throughout the day and my evening was open, so I decided to say screw it see if he wants to get drinks that night. We agree to meet at 7PM at an Irish pub near the center of town.

I arrived at 6:45PM and managed to snag a table, order myself a pint.

At 7:15PM he texts me saying he's on his way and should be there in the next 20 minutes. I say I'm going to order food because I was super hungry and he says he already ate dinner anyway, so go for it.

At 7:45PM, I get a text message from him saying that he actually ended up going to a super shitty dive bar that was on the outside of town because he wasn't able to find parking at the pub. I'd warned him ahead of him that parking may be difficult but he assured me that it wouldn't be an issue.

I responded "Then you won't be meeting me. :)" since at this point, I was now a pint and a half of Guinness and a really awesome Cuban sandwich down. Finished my beer, closed my tab, and made my way to my car.

About ten minutes after I leave, I get a message from him saying that he found parking and he'll be inside soon. I'd told him already that I left so that surprised me. THEN he offered to pay me back for my meal/drinks if I give him a second chance. By then it was already 8:15PM and I was just done.

I really cannot fathom how he expected that to go??? Just switching where we meet up at the last second after already being 45 minutes late AND on the first date??? I feel like I honestly avoided something potentially spookier. It was just W E I R D. I figure I just ended up having a solid self-date evening after a day of adventuring. I wasn't mad just... confused?

Food is a porter and pepperoni pizza from a dope ass brewery in WA.

poutine and fried mozza ravioli with fried cheese curds from a month ago.

i was sitting in the front seat in my friends lap in the vehicle that ran her over and killed her. it happened thursday after midnight, we were all drinking at a bar and went to an after party for less than an hour. something happened between two of my girlfriends and they got upset with each other. another person at the party tried diffusing the situation but my one friend was too heated and decided to leave and walk home before her cab got there. she didn’t want anyone to follow her and my other friend she was mad at cancelled the cab. we followed her outside anyway and she still wanted nobody to come with her and yelled “i’m just fucking walking home.” we knew better than to let her leave, she was super drunk but she wouldn’t let us come and refused to stay. about 10 minutes later my other friend, me, and 4 guy friends found a ride from someone at the party. when we got down the street i saw our friend that left prior laying on the road. i yelled “stop she’s passed out”. but it was a car full of people chatting so the driver didn’t hear me and only said “what?” without stopping. he ran right over her while i was screaming and when i told him what he just did he pulled over. everyone got out and ran to her and we called 911. one of our guy friends who was sitting in the back started cpr on her while we waited and the wait for help felt so long. the driver confessed to drinking and driving and was arrested once they arrived. he’s been to court twice already since the incident and we’ve all made multiple statements to police already.

she was transferred to the hospital about 30 ish minutes after police and ems arrived. she passed away alone there. she just moved here a few months ago and she was supposed to be with my other friend and i until we went home. the guilt i have is awful. i can’t sleep or close my eyes without seeing everything. so many things could’ve and should’ve gone differently. she didn’t deserve this.

PS: i’m not looking for any advice or sympathy, i just needed to get this off of my chest since it’s hard to talk to the people i have in person about this. i am in touch with proper supports already.

I am 29 and a half years old & historically all of my previous partners have been very blessed down yonder. Howeverrr, my new guy is a little smaller than what I’m used to. At first I was nervous // a little disappointed when I first saw it but GIRLLL. I am today years old learning motion in the ocean is significantly better than a size premium. Likeee it was amazing AND I wasn’t walking funny after. It’s also much easier giving BJs hehe. I’m saddened I am damn near 30 years old and just now having this epiphany. What’s the size equivalent for “once you go Black you never go back?” Because that’s me. Thank you for attending my tiny ted talk

Dinner is seafood paella from a local Mexican spottt

I feel like screaming from the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out.

I'm incredibly frustrated and at my wit's end with the state of the economy. Before everything went to shit, I tried to be a "good girl" and do everything "right". I structured my career path to be a strong candidate within the job market by going to school for engineering and having absolutely incredible job experiences and internships. All of these things I honestly enjoyed anyway. I made sure I gave companies 3+ years of my loyalty and have garnered more than a handful of workplace awards for the work I've done, including being acknowledged for the projects I've succeeded in being acknowledged on the news. I've done all of this before even turning 30.

I've been unemployed for 2 years. Due to the incredibly ridiculous and dumb restructuring of food stamps, I can't afford food. Sure, I go to food banks, but they often give expired/spoiled one-off vegetables and canned goods no one wants or will use (such as canned tomato sauce, corn, and black beans). I try to make the most of what I'm given but can truly only get barely a week out of the items donated. I have reached out to my state about the circumstances I'm in to which they just send me a few job fairs happening, a box of cereal, and give me a career counselor who does fuck-all to actually help me land a job.

Apparently I interview well, but because of the state of this trash economy, I'm not landing a job. I would receive all kinds of backhanded compliments from interviewers and told many times I'm exceptionally great for a role, only to be ghosted or rejected. It has gotten so bad, 2 interviewers asked for my autograph because they feel as though I'm going to "be something great" in my future. When I try to lessen my experience, my education, and tailor my resume specific to the role, I still don't get anything. I've tried every single tactic there is and NOTHING is fucking working.

But, oh wait, you know what HAS worked for me temporarily? I changed my first name and race and IMMEDIATELY received interview requests. As a mixed race black woman, no one CAN NOT tell me race and racism is not involved in this disparity. Sure, it may be hard for everyone, but the fact I've had to make those changes in order to even be considered for majority roles is insane. I apply for jobs I think I'm qualified for, but told I'm overqualified for the role. So I apply for jobs I think I'm overqualified for and told I'm underqualified. SO WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?! I'm losing my mind and crashing out big time with an empty stomach and a heavy heart.

Food: I don't have food so here's a picture of some spoiled food that's often donated.

Link to previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/GirlDinnerDiaries/comments/1wtnin1/baby_has_an_increased_risk_of_a_neural_tube_defect/

I posted on this sub two and a half weeks ago that my baby girl received a test result that indicated she had a high risk of a neural tube defect (mainly spina bifida) due to an elevated AFP level. I received so many wonderful, reassuring responses from this sub that honestly helped me so much. I think the kind responses from women on here genuinely helped me get through the last two and a half weeks.

I had my anatomy scan yesterday, and all of the baby’s anatomy was normal — no spina bifida or any other defects. She is measuring a little small (20th percentile), but the doctors said it was completely within the normal range, on track and healthy and nothing to be worried about. (I am also extremely small at 4’10, and my husband’s mom is small too, so I feel like it kinda makes sense for her to be on the smaller side?)

The only thing they did note is that I have something called a circumvallate placenta, so that it folds up a little at the edges, and it is low lying, so previously a placenta previa that moved up a bit. The doctor said this might explain my elevated AFP level, as a slightly “leaky” placenta can cause it, but they are not sure. Either way they did not seem too concerned and recommended extra scans in the third trimester to monitor the placental health and baby’s growth.
What was most reassuring is that they said I no longer need to go to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Clinic — I can have all the rest of my care back at my OBGYN clinic.

I feel so much better, like a weight has been lifted. I spent the last few weeks researching everything about spina bifida (including looking up hospitals that will do intrauterine surgery to fix the defect and help improve the baby’s prognosis…) I was prepared for something to be wrong, even if it wasn’t spina bifida, and just kept trying to tell myself that we would deal with whatever she had and try to give her the best life possible. The idea that she has completely healthy anatomy feels so amazing that I’m almost in shock.

Thank you, thank you all again. You have no idea how much you helped.

Dinner is vodka pasta (well, without the vodka, so I guess it’s just creamy tomato pasta).

Food was the garlic-iest pasta I've ever had on a much better day than this

I had my third session with my new therapist this morning, after I sat down she asked if I'd gotten the email she sent last night. I had not. Since our last session she had sent me a PCL5 to fill out and return and my score has led her to believe, among other things, that she isnt qualified to help someone as fucked in the dome as I am (my words not hers) (obviously)

When I filled it out I didn't look up what it was, and from the questions I assumed it was just to gauge how my anxiety or whatever is doing. I knew most of my answers being at the high end of the scale looked pretty bad so I went over the questions again and really thought about each one in case I was being dramatic, but I answered honestly for how I've been feeling lately.

She said I got a 60 something indicating cptsd but here in Scotland you cant be diagnosed with it in the same way as presumably the US so she just uses it as a tool. She said what prompted her to send me it was some things I'd said in my first two (mostly information finding) sessions like how when I talked about some traumatic incidents I felt like I was just recounting and not connecting, and that we might spend a lot of time trying to talk our way out of something that needs somatic therapy to actually connect. So she gave me a list of EMDR therapists she trusts and believes would be a good fit for me.

That doesn't sound too bad right? I asked her if it mattered that things don't always feel so heightened and these periods like the one I'm in now are interspersed with long periods of flat numbness. She did not indicate that that was a positive sign. I reassured her I wasn't taking this as a rejection and I'm in therapy to get professional guidance because god knows I'm not helping myself, so if she thought I was too much for her then I'm fine to pivot. She says I seem so put together that it took her a while to see how severe things were and she suspects the emotional neglect from my childhood was a big part of why I dont take myself seriously (my first reaction to her saying how high my score was was that I must have been making shit up or defrauding the test in some way)

Sorry this is such an all over the place ramble but since I left the session I have felt a bit devastated. Not because I was particularly attached to her but because I don't know what to do with the information that it's THAT bad. Like what do I do. I get through by NOT thinking about how bad it is, now I have how bad it is in a numerical score. Obviously I'm meant to do EMDR but I just feel so lost in myself. I'm terrified of recounting everything not because it's painful to talk about but because what if they're like oh that's not that bad? All this stuff is made up and if it happens it's not that bad and my fault anyway? I know they won't say that but that's what I believe about it and no one's been able to convince me otherwise so far.

I'm not really expecting any help with this but I guess I'm interested in other folks experiences with EMDR? Or being told that you're too fucked up for a professional? Does anything actually help or are we all just dragging ourselves through this swamp

EDIT: I appreciate and am trying to read all the replies but to be clear I understand that I was not actually fired and that it's in my best interest to be directed to someone more helpful. Sorry for the title it was supposed to be a joke

EDIT AGAIN: I never expected this to get seen or responded to like this, I don't really post at all so I've never had this happen and the thought of 1.3million (??) people reading this feels very exposing. But I want to say thank you so much especially to everyone who related to my experience and then said emdr genuinely changed and helped them. I can say honestly that up until reading those replies yesterday I have had no hope for change. I wasn't even able to imagine it. But now there's a wee glimmer. If it was possible for all of you then maybe for me too. With your consent I am hugging you all through my phone xx

Just banana peppers. My ranch was out of date.

TW for brain surgery, I think. It gave me a warning so I wanted to tag it just in case.

Today makes a month since I got brain surgery. I had a VP shunt installed to drain a cyst that we found this summer. I wish I had been given more information and choices regarding my health. All they did was tell me I needed surgery, and then scheduled it.

The day after surgery they sent me home while I was violently ill, and for the next three weeks I could not sit or stand up without throwing up. I’ve spent most days since then laying in bed doing nothing, because I’m so discouraged and feel like crap. At my post-op appointment, they adjusted my shunt since it was over-draining and even though my nausea is gone, I have a horrible headache. It feels like somebody hit me with a baseball bat (which has happened before, so I know I’m not exaggerating).

I wasn’t able to enjoy my birthday, because it fell right in the middle of me being so sick. I spent more time at my birthday dinner in the bathroom than I did at the table with my friends. My best friend actually purposely didn’t tell me happy birthday, nor did she check in on me before, after, or during my surgery. I tried to tell her how it made me feel but she left me on read. We’re no longer friends. I miss her so much even though I know I shouldn’t.

I came to the realization a couple days ago that I would no longer be able to ride roller coasters. It seems silly if you’re not me, but I love roller coasters and want to spend my career working marketing for some kind of amusement park. I am supposed to graduate with my marketing degree in two months and planned on enrolling in the Disney College Program for next fall to get my foot in the door. Not only am I a month behind on college assignments and have fears about actually being able to graduate, but now I also feel like I can’t do what I want anymore. I don’t see the point in spending my life working somewhere I can’t enjoy. It’s genuinely heartbreaking to me and I’m feeling so lost.

I wish I could go back in time to a month ago and tell myself not to get this stupid surgery. I feel like I’m worse off with it. I know it’s only been a month and that something as serious as brain surgery will take a while to fully recover from, but I’m in so much more pain than I was before. I miss my normal life.

Leftover red lentil soup from NYT cooking.

They want us 4 days a week in-person instead of the 1 day per week we have now. They will also be surveilling our WFH work but didn’t disclose when they started doing so when someone asked during the call.They explicitly told us just a few months ago that they don’t have this type of program. To add salt to the wound, just late last year, they told us that there won’t be any promotions, bonuses or merit raises this year and next year. We are a NFPO organization that’s already stretched so thin and make barely above minimum wage. We’re all passionate about our work for our marginalized community members but theyre really not giving us any incentive to stay employed here anymore. It sucks cuz i finally found a place where i care about the mission and enjoy working with my colleagues.

It's going to be a very silly random post but i need some girlies to tell me something to make me feel better.

So I've been living with my bf for the past year or so. We have over-all a very happy healthy relationship but obviously there are some downs as well.

Today, it has been raining in my city since morning. Several areas are flooded and our gated society has been pretty muddy as well. Now, in the evening he tells me he wants to call his mom. I know things have been hard at his home and there have been problems (he has barely told me anything about the situation but I figured he'd talk about it at his own time and I'd be supportive till then)

Anyway, so he asks me for some privacy to have the call. I'm like cool, I'll be in the hall and you can talk in the bedroom. But he insists he NEEDS more privacy, meaning i should leave the house for sometime. Which i would have been okay with on any regular day, but man it was raining and thundering outside ;-; i absolutely loathe getting muddy and wet but i was still okay.

I went down, it started pouring again, everything was wet and muddy. Even the parking lot was flooded so i genuinely had no place to even sit. Our clubhouse needs an access card to enter but thank god today they had a navratri celebration hence had kept the gate open and i was able to sit inside the clubhouse.

I know the situation was managed but i can't stop feeling very weird and upset that he'd just let me out in the mud in unfavorable conditions. It just kinda enforced a feeling of not feeling completely safe with him.

I want to be supportive towards his difficult phase so please slap some sense in me idk (⁠╥⁠﹏⁠╥⁠)

Edit: i didn't expect this to blow up at all :0 thank you girlies for all the kind words and support. I'm trying to reply to as many comments as i can. And will also articulate my feelings better and have a talk with him. Love you all <3

Ps: i saw his call logs and he did actually call his mom

After breaking up with my ex, I didn't date or talk to any guys for about a year and a half. And honestly, I was doing so well during that time. I was happy, focused on myself and just enjoying my life. My friends even told me I was in my "prime". I genuinely didn't feel like I needed anyone.

But then everything happened so fast. I met the son of a friend's partner (we're both in our mid-twenties, only four years apart btw). We ended up falling for each other and things got really intense between us.

The problem was that we had to keep everything a secret because my friend wouldn't have been okay with it (we're not friends anymore btw, long story). I had so many fears and insecurities about the whole situation that I eventually ended things, even though we both had strong feelings for each other.

And after that, I don't even know what happened. I started talking to an old situationship from university again. Then there was a former coworker, a guy I met at a club and finally someone I met on vacation. So basically five guys in eight months?? Looking back, I genuinely don't know what I was doing.

And the thing is, all of them actually wanted something serious with me. None of them treated me badly or anything. I feel like I was the one who kept sabotaging everything. I also slept with all of them and honestly, that's something I've been struggling with really hard. This just isn't how I used to be.. don't even recognize myself anymore. Like why did I constantly need someone new? What was I even looking for?

I’ve spent SO much energy on these men. Constantly overthinking everything. What does he feel? Why is he acting like this? Does he actually like me? Is he lying? Where is this going? Do I really want him? It’s honestly been so mentally exhausting. And I keep wondering if I was trying to fill some kind of void without even realizing it. Maybe I just wanted to feel loved and wanted by someone.

I’ve also been thinking about my ex lately, not because I want him back, but because I realized how much I miss having that emotional security. Just knowing there’s someone I can rely on. I grew up without a father and had to take on a lot of responsibility from a young age, so I’ve always felt like I had to be the strong one. And sometimes I just wish I had someone I could lean on for once.

Yesterday I had a complete mental breakdown because all of this.. I cried so much and realized how emotionally exhausted I actually am. I can’t keep doing this. I feel like I’ve spent the last few months desperately looking for love and attention(!!) and somehow completely lost myself in this process.

And I think that’s what hurts the most. Because I remember how happy I was before all of this. I was doing my own thing, spending time with my friends, reading books, going to the gym, taking my yoga classes and just enjoying life without constantly thinking about some guy.

I just want to be that girl again. The girl who was happy on her own and didn’t need male attention or validation to feel good about herself. I hope I can find my way back to myself.

My everyday girl dinner: an iced latte with oat milk and caramel + a cinnamon roll 🤎☕️

Dinner is pretzles

I think i married and have spent the last 28 years of my life with quite possibly the biggest douche bag ever.

I caught a cold from my kid that has given my laryngitis. Other than the voice box I feel fine. When he finally got home after work can you guess what his first words to me were?

"Can you not fucking do that, I know you dont feel good but you know I hate that." Wrt to me whispering. Cause anything more hurts my vocal cords.

So my choice is pain or silence. And he is annoyed I chose silence.

3 years ago, I was in a terrible “relationship” dating a guy with major commitment issues. I lived alone in a studio apartment and I didn’t live near any of my friends or family. The guy I was seeing ended up going on an overseas vacation right before I had a throat surgery. After the surgery, I had some pretty serious complications and couldn’t stop throwing up. I was scared and alone facing medical complications I had no idea how to handle. He knew about the complications and how scared I was and ended up deciding to extend his trip for 2 additional weeks. During that time, I had a particularly bad flare up where I almost asphyxiated to death in my bathroom. In that moment, all I remember thinking was - it’s going to be hard for them to find my body because my door is deadbolted. Luckily, I managed to get some air back in and drove myself to the ER where I got the treatment I needed. I ended things with that guy pretty soon after that.

Now, I live in a townhouse with my boyfriend of two years. This week, I ended up having a pretty bad nerve inflammation in my tooth and I needed an emergency root canal. I told him and he immediately left work, drove over an hour to pick up my pain prescription and then picked me up and took me to the appt. He waited for 2 and a half hours and then drove me home and made me homemade egg drop soup, my favorite. Then we cuddled on the couch with our cat and watched tv while we ate the soup, feeling pretty lucky today :)

Snack is granola

TW: suicide

Last year, a week before the 4th of July, a man jumped from 200ft high and landed on the concrete in the middle of my workplace. I was the only manager on site.

He landed less than 20ft from me, less than 10ft from 3 of my employees, and around 20ft from two other employees who were minors. I won’t write paragraphs about my employees, but just know they were so fucking incredible, so fucking brave, and they protected so many innocent people from seeing Him. I’m so proud of them and I always will be.

I want to share the details, I will not share the details, this is not the place for that; just know that it was loud, the loudest thing I’ve ever heard - it shook the small office made of windows that I was in, I felt the impact in my rib cage. The sight was awful, but not at all what you’d imagine.

I apologize for that description.

When I stepped outside, 300+ innocent people were unknowingly walking towards Him. A few had already walked past, initially they were normal, then they saw Him, and I could see them change - they kept walking in shock. One was a young woman, another a young man, the rest were a blur as I was making the decision on how to act. The fastest route to the crowd of people took me directly over Him, and I took that route because I needed to protect the rest: I needed to end this event as soon as possible.

I stopped the crowd, I tried to be confident and commanding yet polite and calm. I told them they were going to turn around and walk back the way they came. The first man I encountered was maybe about 30 years old, and he was holding a baby - maybe around a year old. The man asked me why they had to turn around, I reiterated that I just needed him to, then he looked past me. He saw Him.

I can’t explain it, I can’t describe it, but I saw the man with the baby die in that moment. He sank into himself in a deeply silent way, like a piece of his soul escaped with his breath, all I remember him saying was an exasperated “Oh-“ as he began cradling the child’s head. After a few moments the child became restless, and the man thoughtlessly began wiggling his fingers in front of the child’s face to soothe it. The child, calm as ever, played with his fingers.

A few people asked questions, I continued trying to remain confident and in-control, I reiterated that they were going to walk the other direction. If they faced my direction I locked eyes as best as I could in the hope that they would only see me and not Him, 30ft or so behind me. A woman pushed to the front of the crowd, she pleaded with me,

“Please let me go, my daughter is over there, she saw it” her voice began to crack.

“Go, go, please don’t look” I told her.

Another woman,

“mine too!”

“Go. Please.”

The women jogged past, I didn’t look back, I don’t know if they looked, I couldn’t stand to see them change from the sight of Him, I needed to focus on the rest of the crowd.

Eventually, exasperated, I was almost begging, “please… please turn around.. please walk the other way.”

An employee appeared, she looked the same: dead but alive, full but empty, a piece of her soul having escaped with her breath.

Eventually, it was resolved. If I explained everything then this post would be miles long, so just know that the crowd was (mostly) kept from the sight of Him.

As the clock began ticking, as the situation finally left my hands, I found a group of my employees congregated together nearby where it had occurred. One of my employees sobbed, she was closest to Him when He landed, He nearly landed on her, I hugged her, I refused to cry. I evaluated each employee in the group before sending them to the break room one by one - just until the situation was truly contained, until we truly knew what to do, until we could allow them to leave for the day with full pay.

One employee, I will call him N, sat silently on a ledge at the outskirts of the group: he was dead but alive, full but empty, he stared into the abyss. He was 17 or 18 at the time, he helped stop innocent people from seeing Him after witnessing the event himself. I am still so, so proud of him, and I still can not erase the image of him in that moment from my mind. This boy was always full of life, he was a spunky inner-city kid, he was always joyous and silly yet silently mature beyond his years, and in that moment he looked like a lifeless puppet.

I sent him to the break room.

An employee I became good friends with before my promotion was in the group, a young trans man with the energy of a golden retriever, his emotions were contained but tears silently slipped from his eyes. He asked me if I was okay, I lied. He asked me if I wanted a hug, I don’t remember if I accepted it but I know that’s when I began to crack.

I sent him to the break room.

So much more happened, I won’t go into detail for the sake of brevity.

Usually, these days, it’s in the past for me. The entire event has become a memory, though I still deal with some consequences of it all. Today I’m struggling. The images of these people’s faces, their energy in those moments, is weighing heavily on my soul.

I want to remember all of this, I want to forget all of this. I want to talk to all of these people about what happened that day, I want to hear their stories about that day, I want to track down the innocent people who just happened to be there that day and ask them about it, I want to know that they are okay. In the months following the incident I found a few on Reddit in the comments of a post reporting the incident on our local subreddit, I messaged them and one or two responded, it helped settle my soul a bit.

Sorry for the bummer, sorry if this is too heavy for this sub, and sorry my posts on this sub are usually related to this event or similarly bummer events - please know that my life is beautiful, I’m incredibly blessed, but I wonder so often how long it will take for me to no longer see their faces.

I have been on an IVF journey for a year now and got pregnant with our third embryo. Got MMC  two weeks ago. From the beginning of our struggle with conceiving, I have been sensitive with other people's pregnancies, but I still managed to be genuinely happy for them. Now after my loss, I cant be happy for other people who get pregnant. I cant even fake it. Recently I realised I am angry at them… I really don't want those things to affect me or stop being happy for other people, but I just want to isolate myself from all the pregnant ladies and newborn babies… they piss me off.

For dinner penne with chicken in the creamy sauce my husband cooked for me because he is fking awesome.

Update: thank you all for taking your time and responding, means a lot! Maybe to clarify, I am not going around shouting at pregnant people or new borns, even more I DON’T hate newborns, ofc not! Im just instantly thinking about mine, whos hearbeat I have seen and was waiting and talking to! I hate the situation/ corcumstances. And because I don’t say it to anyone because it sounds weird, I still felt that I want to let it out and say it, because this feeling is like a rock on my chest! I am in therapy, but even the herapy is hard for me now, I am fine one moment and totally misarable the other. During therapy sessions I am not triggered and I dont feel like to release my anger…
One thing what I have learned iscthat we never know what us going on in others life which helped me to be milder to others when they do some weird things.
Just to add, people who ask me “ when is your turn” or saying “ your clock is ticking” when they just got babies are not helping me with my anger either! Again, I never treat people bad, I just felt I want yo share how I feel because sometimes its suffocates me.
Thank you all for your kind words❤️

Wedding meal: Chicken, Parmesan salad, and pumpkin ravioli (Wish I had gone back for seconds)!

To preface, I have been spiraling since my twin sister (both 29F) announced her engagement in Dec 2025. It's been on and off since then, but last Saturday was finally the big day. It was exhausting. I wish I were able to enjoy it more, but I just couldn't. If anything, it left me filled with more grief than happiness for my sister (and myself). Felt more like a funeral to me. And I feel guilty about it.

All I've been thinking about leading up to and after the wedding is the trauma I've endured in many facets of my life til now. My career, my friendships, my (non-existent) romantic relationships, my health, my finances, and so on and so forth.

These are just some of the things I've been spiraling about:

1.) My parents' divorce. My divorced parents were, of course, there, and seeing them together for this 1 event left a sour taste in my mouth. It's definitely not the 1st time I've seen them together in the same room, but seeing them together for a wedding felt surreal. There's just a lot of resentment and contempt I have for both of them, particularly my mom (who was physically and emotionally abusive towards my sister, brother, and I growing up). My dad couldn't do anything about it growing up bc he couldn't afford to raise us alone. We haven't cut her off entirely, but now as adults, we keep our boundaries set and have quietly quit her.

But I've realized that I still can't get over their divorce after 25 years. I was very young when they got divorced, but part of me still wishes that I had parents who still love each other and who can give me a good example of what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like. And when my sister announced her engagement, all I kept thinking was, "Oh no, this is a mistake" and "Please don't do this". I still haven't told her how I feel about her marriage, but I know I would just be projecting my own fears onto her. Seeing my parents fight all the time growing up, even when they were divorced, gave me a harsh reality about marriage and relationships in general. To this day, I can't stand to be around people who yell and scream at each other. I've pushed away this trauma for a really long time, but with my sister's engagement and wedding, it's triggered PTSD about this.

2.) I'm a 29-year-old virgin. Yes, you heard that right. I'm still a virgin at 29 and have never been in a romantic relationship. Went throughout high school and college without a boyfriend. And now, with my sister married, it feels like I'm falling behind and missing out. Even my introverted brother is dating someone from work (and he NEVER talks about his dating life with me)! I refuse to go on dating apps. I don't have many friends who can set me up. But I'm still questioning if I even want a boyfriend or husband to begin with because of all the damage my parents' marriage left in me. But at the same time, I crave that fairytale romance that I think everyone wants. And do men even want to date a 29-year-old? To some, I've already lost "half my eggs", and that would make me less "desirable" in the dating market.

3.) I feel like my sister has taken the "easy" route in life. Growing up, my sister and I both always strived to build careers for ourselves. Our parents always instilled in us the importance of education and money because we grew up with not a lot of it. But we got into great universities and got our degrees. Then COVID hit, and it has been hard to navigate the job market since. I remember my sister a couple of years ago always complaining about how she couldn't get a job. But when she did get a job in PR, she always complained about how she didn't want to work anymore and that she hated her bosses. Since meeting her now husband (who's around 15+ years older than her), she's essentially been a stay at home girlfriend/fiancee/wife. She volunteers for places, but she's not making her own money. She enjoys going to Pilates during the day and cooking at night. They have a house together; he makes good money, but it's all his. I can't help but think that she mostly married this guy for money and stability. He's not conventionally attractive at all. He's not that charismatic or charming either. And here I am, working a job making $19 an hour in SoCal, and I'm barely making it. I'm underemployed and working my ass off building my portfolio so I can get a better-paying job. Part of me is jealous, but part of me is disappointed in my sister for not living up to her potential. She's also become anti-feminist.

Anyway, I'm not really looking for advice, just more of a vent. But has anyone gone through this at 29? Has anyone ever felt miserable for seeing a loved one get married/ or felt miserable at a wedding? Any children of divorced parents who decided not to get married/ get into relationships? Or am I just making mountains out of molehills? This whole wedding ordeal has put my life into perspective and has made everything confusing and grief-filled for me.

Pic: low-FODMAP sloppy Joe’s and crispy crowns

CW: vaccines. HOWEVER! I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A DEBATE ABOUT VACCINES. I JUST NEED TO PROCESS.

We adopted our child 5 weeks ago. They were born from what we suspect to be a cryptic pregnancy based on the limited prenatal care that was received. We don’t believe they got any antibodies from BM getting vaccines while they were in utero. They were delivered via emergency c-section due to fetal stress, needed help post-birth to “perk up”, had TTN, went to the ER at 10 days old for retracted breathing, and have been consistently a noisy and congested breather—even for a newborn. They have had some other quirks—nothing too crazy, but concerning enough that we are deeply protective, probably a tick or two higher than most. There were some things we thought weren’t toooooo bad, and maybe we were overreacting, but our pediatrician validated our worries and made sure we kept an eye out. (Reflux was worried to be pyloric stenosis, but false alarm!)

With all of this in mind, and after many weeks of debating, we made the choice. We posted on social media and texted parents today to let friends and family know that, if they planned on visiting, they must make sure they have their flu and TDaP vaccines up to date. It is 1000% their choice, but if they are not up to date, we ask that they refrain from seeing baby until they can be protected from the aforementioned viruses.

My dad, stepmom, brother, grandmother, and other extended family members all have let me know that they will not be visiting them because they absolutely refuse to get any vaccines. (My sister also called our mom to complain.) They let ME know (not my husband, but just me) that, while it IS our fault, and they were hoping to visit soon, but they “respect us” and will see us when “we decide it’s okay”. (Very passive aggressively.) This means that we will be alone for all holidays through the end of the year, and isolated from most (if not all) family well into the winter months.

I am, while unsurprised by this reaction, utterly devastated. I am already the black sheep of the family and I hate that I’m setting this child up to feel isolated too. Even though they won’t remember this holiday season, I will. Their first Christmas, their first Thanksgiving…all spent with Mom wishing she was with their family (husband’s family is great but very out of state and a 10-hour roadtrip with a newborn is not an option). I am just not willing to put them in harms way.

I know that vaccines are a hot topic. This is NOT intended to stir up a debate, whether in our family or on Reddit. I just want this baby to be safe. So much of the beginning of their life was outside of our control, and now that they are with us, I just want to protect them. I can’t protect them from every germ, or every person, but I can make sure the people holding them and being in their face are doing their best to keep them well.

I feel so defeated. I’m exhausted. I am not sleeping well. Neither is husband. Neither is any other parent to a newborn! But we love our baby so much, wouldn’t change it for the world, and we are confident in this decision. If you read this far, thank you. ❤️

When I was 3 months pregnant I got infected by a virus that left me bedbound. I haven't really recovered since. I'm unable to take care of myself or my children. My husband quit his job to become our full time caretaker. I have tried so many different medications, none of them helped. The medical system failed me. My family abandoned me and we have 0 village. We rely on food charity and community favours of random people to help us clean our house, because my husband can't keep up with it all.

I know many people can recover from post viral illnesses and I dearly hope I do, but it's so demoralizing when I've been bed/couchbound for 6 months. I have not left the house since April. I didn't experience summer. I can't sit on a chair or stand for longer than 5min. I can't get food or water for myself. If I push myself my symptoms worsen, I get PEM. In the beginning I had debilitating neurological and cognitive symptoms, I was hospitalized so many times. It's the worst thing I've ever experienced.

I just want to get better, for my children. How am I gonna care for a newborn baby when I'm this ill? People say this categorizes as a neuroplastic condition and mind-body work can heal it. I think the science of psychoneuroimmunology is valid. But how do you regulate your nervous system with a newborn, toddler and 0 village? Medications like antihistamines, betablockers, SSRI's, benzos, LDA, LDN, etc haven't made a difference.

Dinner is some sad hamburgers my husband made

Snack was a restaurant’s Ube Halo Halo dessert. It was 50% off but 100% delicious, would try again.

So a little backstory—my family recently adopted two kittens so our current housecat (named Kenji) wouldn’t be lonely since he’s been kinda an only cat for a long while now. I named the two new kittens Nanami and Aizawa (yes like the two anime men 😅), all is going well with my mom and I helping each other out…until tonight. While I was cleaning out the litterbox for the hundredth time today, she goes to tease me that I apparently never thought that I’d be the one helping with litter duty for Nanami and Aizawa and I said, “what are you talking about? When we had Tabbi and Hiro (older previous cats that are no longer with us), I was the one doing the litterbox duty because you’re the one who refused to do it” and she looked at me like I was making it up, like being responsible is apparently something that’s not me?

To be fair for her, I was a spoiled brat as the princess of the family and I do understand why she said that, but I’ve been doing my own chores around the house and I’ve grown, I can absolutely lock on raising pets. In fact, she was the one who couldn’t initially handle litter duty which is why I had to do it for our previous cats years ago. But she doesn’t remember it.

I know you would say I’m being sensitive and everything and she was just teasing me like god, can’t you handle jesting between family, it was funny—and yes you’d be right. But the thing is, she teases all my life that I’m helpless without her, that I’m easily sick compared to her (like every visit to a clinic is a pain cause she makes snarky comments), I had brittle bones compared to her, I had worse taste in fashion compared to her, had inherit all the bad things in my dad’s side of the family and that “it’s a shame you didn’t inherit (thing) from me”. She repeats all this in a lot of various ways while I grew up that it had eventually start rubbing me the wrong way whenever she compares something about her to me like geez, I guess I’m sorry I’m not you, I’m sorry I’m not a total duplicate of you that it bothers you this mich.

Most of the time I can’t prove her wrong at all because I had no opportunity to, but after that teasing tonight, I am absolutely upping my game and taking most the parent responsibility for Nanami, Aizawa, and Kenji. I was the one who named them AND I’m the one paying for their food and vet visits anyway.

Okay pls don’t flame me 🫠I know a lot of people are going to see me as unreasonable and ungrateful but I just need to get this out of my system tonight. She keeps looking me through how I was in the past but I can very much lock on pet responsibilities.

After five years in the closet I just hit one year on hormones and had a party to celebrate!

About a year ago I started HRT and started slowly coming out to people. I thought everyone was gonna be weirded out by me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong! I’ve got nothing but support!

So I never have birthday parties cause I never really had them as a kid, but I was like this deserves a party! I invited over like fifteen people, all friends who I’m out too and cooked for them in my little one bedroom apartment. We made Cubanos and fries and I spent the last two days marinating the pork shoulder in two different marinades and then slow cooking it for four hours. The food came out fantastic!

The entire night people were coming up and congratulating me and complimenting my hair and telling me my shorts were cute and other stuff you say to girls. Everyone used my right name and right pronouns. One of my best friends actually set a date where she’s gonna do my hair and makeup and doll me up just for the fun of it! 

After so many years of repression and depression, it feels so freeing to finally be me and to finally be happy. 

The future may be uncertain, but for the first time in a longtime I have hope!

AND I GET TO LIVE AS A GIRL!!!!!

Food is Cubano sandwiches with recipe courtesy of binging with Babbish. 

Fries are twice fried duck fat fries with recipe courtesy of Roy Choi

Food: gas station breakfast pizza. Absolutely fire with some hot sauce.

I’m mixed race, and for some reason, it’s become a big conflict to me as of late. My mother is from the Philippines but is half white, so I’m like a quarter (I know genetics doesn’t work that way but you know what I mean). I have 4 siblings, and despite us all coming from the same mom, I’m the only one who doesn’t look white.

However, I don’t look Filipino, either. Even still, I was proud of my heritage. I always put “Asian” on forms that asked about my race, and when people ask, I always stated I was Filipino. That was until college. We had an “org fest” where different student-run organizations put up stands to advertise. I came across a Filipino-American org and showed interest. They talked about how they were throwing a lumpia party the next day, and I was like “oh damn, my mother makes lumpia all the time!” And the rep was like “yeah, and you don’t even have to be Filipino to join!”

Holy shit did that take the wind out of my sails, ladies. It was the first time in my life I felt genuinely uncomfortable with my own racial identity. I’m not pale enough to pass as white, but no one can really figure out what I am, not even other Filipinos. I’ve been mistaken for Hispanic as a child by other Hispanics and as Arabic as an adult by other Arabic people. When I try to talk about racial issues in America with my white family, they always point out that I’m white, too, but my mother and Filipino grandmother always told me I should be proud of my darker complexion, and to the rest of the world, I don’t “pass” as white.

I recently moved to Tennessee. Never have I been more uncomfortable with my racial identity than hearing white people wanting to play the guessing game with my race. They guess Mexican, Iranian, Saudi Arabian, and everything in between.

When get the “what race are you” question on forms, I’m always thankful for the “mixed race” option, but when it isn’t included, I genuinely don’t know what to put.

I wish race didn’t matter so much to people. I wish people would stop asking me what I am. I wish people would stop asking why I don’t look like my siblings and if we even come from the same parents. And I hate that this bothers me so much.

Fancy dinner tart.

We live in a three story row home. It’s just the two of us. Four bedrooms. One is his office, the other a guest room, our room and then another room we use as the tv/game room. For reference the tv/game room is somewhat connected to our bedroom but is it’s own entity entirely and can be completely closed off. I don’t ever go in his office. And I don’t use the tv/game room really but if he’s playing something I can see it from the bedroom through the door.
So a month or so ago I decided to reorganize the first floor living room to facilitate another tv. Bigger than the one in the tv room by like 10 inches or so (this matters)
I ended up having to realllllly change everything. I thought I could just get it mounted but being in a row home our walls couldn’t handle it. This meant reorienting the dining room and living room completely, buying new furniture etc. We never used the first floor because it was mostly our dining room table and a big couch/some chairs. Fast forward to now and I finally have the space just how I want it. The biggest reason I wanted to do this was so I had a space that felt like my hang out area that wasn’t just the kitchen. I cook a lot. I have to because of dietary restrictions so we eat like 75-80% of our meals at home. I cook 100% of them so it can take a fair amount of time and having somewhere to sit and watch tv while things are on the stove felt nice. We put a tv in the kitchen at some point but it literally got greasy lol.

So here’s my rant. Over the past week my husband brought one of his game consoles down to the living room and has been playing video games in there. He likes the bigger tv. I didn’t mind at first because it started out as us playing Mario cart a few times. And I don’t mind the game console being down there IF it’s not always being used. However now I’m not even really playing and he’s started playing other single player games.

I kinda snapped tonight after three hours of (solo)gaming because I thought it was abundantly clear that this was the tv zone. A space where I could watch what I want or at least something WE wanted. He did at some point say let me know if you want to watch something. Kinda quickly as an afterthought. But that’s not the point here and I hope you all understand that. The point is that I explicitly made this a zone for me. An area that wasn’t being used at all. And he already has two.

To make matters worse he brushed it off and said it wasn’t a big deal. But that I was making it a big deal. To me it seems like something much deeper. To be honest though he’s the type to apologize quickly and want to move on. After I expressed my frustration more he said “so what?” in a tone insinuating again that it wasn’t a big deal at all.

I don’t know what else to say other than this is a small rant. I know there are so many bigger issues out there. So please don’t judge or compare me to those scenarios. I love my husband and this was a frustrating experience. One of the things I like about cooking all of our meals is my peace and solitude. And now he’s in the next room yelling at the tv instead of upstairs.