For dinner I made homemade Mexican rice, and shredded beef quesadillas!

My fiancé has been working very hard lately to help provide for our family and home, I’ve been so proud of him, especially since he started branching away from his dads business and is going out on his own now. It was a big step for him, and a scary one too.

I didn’t think we’d get to do anything super crazy for our anniversary since we both got new jobs and have started being completely financially independent (no extra family help).

He surprised me last week by telling me he was taking us on a two night vacation to Gettysburg! We’ll be staying in a haunted inn from the 1800’s, ghost hunting, going to historic museums/sites, the perfect anniversary trip for us both!

I couldn’t be more excited to spend it with him, in the most perfect place for fall too!!

Photo is cathead biscuits and gravy

I have no evidence of disease!!!! Having ovarian cancer has been the scariest experience of my life and I’m beyond thankful every day I pulled through. I have to continue testing routinely but fingers crossed everything stays on right path.

There has been so much that’s happened in such a short period. In March, I had pain in my side that was diagnosed as a UTI. No big deal. Then everything went downhill. The pain got worse and worse. The third doctor I saw discovered a giant tumor that stretched across my ovaries and most of my abdomen. It weighed 18 pounds on its own!!!

I started chemo almost immediately after my surgery. Things went south again, and I was in a coma for 11 days. I had to relearn how to talk after getting a trach. I spent almost a month at a rehab hospital building up my strength to walk again. And I’m so goddamn proud of myself.

I would never say I’m happy I had cancer. However, this experience has given me such an appreciation for everything. I still have things to figure out. I need to determine a career path. My medical bills are next-level insane. I physically can’t do some of the things I used to.

But I’m home, on the mend, cuddled up with my cats. And that’s what really matters <3

the classic burger and nachos that i ordered to comfort me for tonight

so i(20F) am andro, and i have this friend(21F). ive known her since middle school, but we're not that close back then because she's had her own circle of friends and i had mine too. until we got close on 11th grade when we became blockmates again and had mutual friends. we usually hang out during free times and stuffs, but we kind of drifted apsrt again when we went to different universities for college.

the news is she recently broke up with her boyfriend because she cheated on her. they broke up a week before her birthday. HOW DID I KNOW?? because that very night, she called me in the middle of the night crying. mind you it's been almost 2 years since we spoken, so at first i really thought she was just pranking me not until i hear her sobs. she was crying, and i realized that it was real she was really going through something.

somehow we got to talked abt her upcoming birthday and she said she's throwing a party and that i HAD t be there, ofc i said yes.

fast forward to her birthday. i went to the place she sent me, and FOLKS, WHY WAS IT JUST THE TWO OF US??? i was expecting a whole party, but nope. just us, dinner, wine, and catching up on everything we missed. it was actually nice until she asked me if i had a girlfriend.

i've never even come out to anyone, but i sm androgynous, so maybe she's figured that out? or the highschool rumor abt me dating a girl? i dont know. but anyway ofc i was caught off guard that i literally choked and i managed to say "uhh no"

and this girl goes with " I'LL BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND THEN"

helloooo???

then goes my most awkward laugh because what more i could react on that kind of situation, right??? i genuinely thought she's just drunk from the wine. internally my mind was doing gymnastics my throat was doing twist and turns. can't no longer remember what was the topic after that, then i eventually drove her home. greeted her parents they knew me because we used to hangout on their house before. then she asked me to text her when i got home so i did and she just replied "good"

the next morning i text her "let's talk shall we?" because what the hell was that conversation and why was it running on my mind that it did not let me sleep that night.

it's been two days and she haven't replied anything yet.

to be clear im not suddenly in love with her. she's just the least person i would expect to hear that from because she's so feminine and no hints of queerness.

WHAT DO I DO??? should i text her again? do i just forget abt it? should i give her space because she's fresh out of a breakup?

PLEASE BE HONEST WITH ME BECAUSE I AM LOSING MY MIND OVER HERE.

The picture doesn’t do it justice for how big this burrito was smh. Got this last night.

So I’ve been dating this guy about almost 8 months and last night I think I realized I’m mentally checked out of the relationship. I want to this restaurant last night to get birria tacos because they’re a comfort food now 😅 and there’s a guy that has been working there the whole more than a year I’ve been going there and I’ve had a crush on him the whole time.

Back in early March, his aunt who also works there, gave me his Facebook because she said she knew he wouldn’t do it and I honestly stopped going for a couple months because I had just started dating my boyfriend and I knew it was wrong to continue going. Well I started going again probably 2 weeks ago and last night he asked for my Instagram. I turned it down but I felt disappointed because I was in a relationship and that’s when I started thinking that I’m mentally checked out. I was on the phone with my best friend and we talked about it and she agreed that I might be but to probably talk to him about it.

A little context about my boyfriend real quick. I’m 22 hes 21 and I think his immaturity plays a part in why I’m like this now. I have a lot of trauma with violence and yelling from my childhood so I have panic attacks when people get mad and yell or throw and break things. He gets angry very easily when working on cars, or people cut him off or do stupid shit on the road and yells and breaks things or I once watched him key a car for cutting him off on the road. Or he hit another car for the same thing. Luckily I wasn’t with him but he did drive off. I’ve talked to him about this and I know having anger issues makes it difficult to handle but nothing has changed. He apologizes when it happens but I’m still affected by it.

I also have never been given flowers and we haven’t even said I love you to each other. I’ve said something to him many times about the flowers or just being thought of at random times like when he’s at the store and sees a drink I would like or whatever and he has since done a little bit but I think having to beg for it, ruined it. He also has a hard time “believing in love” because of his parents getting divorced after being together for a long time so I told him I would wait for him to be comfortable saying I love you to me but I just don’t think he feels it. 8 months is PLENTY of time to figure out if you’re feeling like that or not I would think and at first I felt impatient honestly and waited everyday to be able to say it and now I’m at the point where I don’t want to say it and I feel like that’s a huge red flag.

He also just went through a really scary time where he had a small procedure done that had complications that caused A LOT of pain and a full surgery to be done that was traumatic for him of course but for me too. I took care of him along with his mom while he was recovering and broke down a couple times from the fear the incident brought and the 2 year anniversary of my sisters death. But because of the location of the surgery, he can’t use his “downstairs” area so we haven’t been able to have sex for a couple weeks now. Previously, we were doing it deadass everyday almost and part of me wonders if there’s a possibility the feelings that I was feeling were just from that and now that we can’t have sex, those feelings aren’t there and now I’m not into him the way I was.

I don’t know. I think there’s a very high possibility I have bpd but I stopped going to therapy before we got that far due to the loss of health insurance so I do fear that maybe I’m just feeling so negatively towards him because of how I react to the smallest bad things that happen but I’m not sure. So I guess I just kinda wanted advice from the girlies on how to navigate this situation especially since I don’t have a mother figure to rely on.

Also, let’s say I broke up with him, I will not immediately try to talk to the guy from the restaurant. I have moved on quickly before and it ended terribly so healing would definitely be in order 😭

My mother divorced my father and raised me alone since I was 5. I would say she is a loving mother, but I think sometimes she just doesn’t want to deal with me.

I was bullied in Highschool by a teacher, she didn’t do any confrontation to the teacher, telling me that just tolerate it for 3 years, while other student’s parents directly came to school and confronted with the teacher. It was a hard time for me because of I was in a school that students stay at school from 7am to 9pm.

Last year depression hit me when I was rejected from every job application. She got mad at me for being sad, things got so bad that I went to see a psychiatrist. Therapy is too expensive we couldn’t afford it. I did took antidepressants and things has been better since I started study for exams to become an ATC.

A few days ago my mother suggested to take a walk, I rejected her because that day I felt a sudden sadness and didn’t want to go outside. I told her how I felt, she screamed at me about it, claiming that she had have worst day especially when she was going through the divorce, saying that I should know how to deal with it without taking medication, and taunting me about my dark thoughts.

The next day she told me that I should never say that I am sad in the household, because that makes her sad too. But I feel like she she said that because she doesn’t want to deal with my feeling.

Steak with egg and macaroni

Dinner: French toast sticks + maple syrup, nacho fries (in the box) and Dr. Pepper

TW for pet loss

Just over two weeks ago, my family and I had to say goodbye to our sweet pup, Roc. He was a pittie mix, and he was the best boy. Roc was over 15.5 years old, so he lived a good long life, and he'd been with our family for 11 years. It's been difficult, going through my days while adjusting to my new routines without him around. But I think the hardest part has been at night.

You see, like most bully breeds, Roc was a very dramatic man. He'd huff and puff to get his way. And that included the fan in my room. He'd huff at me and pant at me until I'd turn on the fan at bedtime - even if it was cold in the room. He'd stop panting the second I turned the dial, happy and content that I had done his bidding. Even in the dead of winter, here in the coldest room in the house, he would demand the fan be turned on. And I would do it, no matter how cold I was, because it made him happy.

Since he's been gone and fall is in full swing, I haven't needed the fan on during the day much. But... I keep finding myself turning it on at night. I've gotten used to the noise. For years, the sounds I would fall to sleep to were that of the fan, rain sounds in a youtube video, his snoring, and occasional little barks and howls in his dreams. But I can't have his puppy sounds back. And the rain sounds just aren't enough. Now I'll just have to settle for the fan, so my room might not feel as empty without him.

Food is Maultaschen in broth, with spices for aesthetics (and flavor)

I'm 24, nearing 25 and about 3 years into transition, 1.5 years legal transition, started HRT a bit under a year ago (with the first 5 months being awful levels).

I know I'm in a somewhat privileged position, having an almost passing voice and being seen usually as "somewhat clocky" to "almost semi-passing" at this stage of HRT, but I struggle a lot with knowing that to truly pass I'll need FFS (which is reeeeaaally expensive and I can't afford it) and even people saying I almost pass, say that I'm just not that pretty and look like I'm in my 30's to 40's. Even goddamned AI tools read me as 28-38, best guess mid 30's. And no one can give me proper tips. I just look old and not particularly pretty.

Even if I fix all my trans-related issues, I'll still look like and ugly woman a decade older than I actually am. Even if I actually fully pass one day, I struggle to see it as an actually successful transition.

Food is potato burritos from Taco Bell (promise they taste better than they sound lol)

As the title says, my boyfriend broke up with me on my way to the emergency room. This is a long one but I wanted to add context to everything. I’m not sure if some of this content will be subject to removal (I hope it’s not, if so I’m sorry)

It all started yesterday, but this moment has been building up for a few months now. I feel sick consistently nauseous, anxious scared. I haven’t been eating or drinking and I haven’t used the bathroom in 3 days or more. Yesterday morning, I felt particularly sick. Imagine waking up every day and feeling sick to your stomach and only eating like one chip and feeling bloated but not using the bathroom… That was literally me.

To cut unnecessary details I told my boyfriend that I was going to urgent care just to see what’s up. He said OK and rolled over and went to sleep (because he works night shift so he was sleeping for Work.)

I’ve been hospitalized before and I asked him to show up and he just said he just laughed and said he couldn’t and ‘that’s not how things work.’ I cried. I was experiencing withdrawal so fucking bad that I was turning green in the back of the ambulance because my medication made me gain weight in his family, kept making comments about my body.

The only reason I’m on meds is because I went to the psych ward and I was losing Hair from stress and didn’t sleep for three days straight. My routine was literally go to work and not eat anything come home still not eating anything. Stay up all night and cry and sob and then start all over again.

I tried to leave him out of the whole process of me going to urgent care just in case they would send me home with something and tell me it’s not a big deal, and it’s his workday so I knew that he’s always going to put Work first.

I explained what’s happening to urgent care and my social workers are the ones that brought me. (because I can’t drive yet unfortunately) my social worker suggested that I give him a call and tell him that I should go to the hospital because she wouldn’t be able to take me. So I call him and ask him if he’d wanna take me. He tells me he would and asked me what’s going on and I told him I’d explain when I get back so he can drive me.

I get back home (like a 15 minute drive) and he’s sleeping. That already hurt my feelings because it just seems like it wasn’t… urgent enough for him? He finally gets up after like five minutes, and I go upstairs waiting by the door just ready to go because my stomach really hurts. Almost an hour passes and we’re still not out of the door and I don’t understand what’s taking so long. I go back into his room and he just looks mad. He’s grumbling and cussing to himself folding clothes for some reason and shaking his head. I ask him what’s wrong and he just tells me ‘he’s just thinking,’ but he added that it wasn’t because of me

I was hoping him saying that was an opening to ask him if he would stay with me at the hospital. He just flatly said no. I told him OK, and didn’t say anything further. I wasn’t going to beg anybody to go to the hospital with me. At this point, I had regretted asking him. I just said OK. Go back to sleep and I’ll just call the ambulance to come take me so you don’t have to take me at all.

He starts push pushing back telling me no no no that he’ll take me and that in the car he’ll explain why he feels this way.. I have the phone up to my ear because I’m about to call them and he starts trying to grab the phone from my hand. He keeps persisting and trying to pull the phone from me. He makes it hard for me to call them, so I relented.

We get in the car and it’s just silence from both of us until he breaks the silent and says that I always get sick on his workday every single time. That I’m always going in and out of the hospital and that he can’t take it anymore because it makes him feel like a shitty partner for not being there.. (I know he could take time off if he wanted too even though it was short notice, in fact, he says he collects PTO just incase someone gets sick, guess I’m not important enough for that lmao.) he says it’s too much of a coincidence.

I just say that I literally can’t control when I get sick and when I choose to go to the hospital and I’m only going because the order from the urgent care told me to go, and it would be stupid not too.

He than tells me that he feels like he’s going to snap because everybody keeps putting everything on him. I snapped back at him because why the fuck was he trying to take my phone from me when I wanted to call the ambulance instead??? I told him this is why I’m going to the housing program, (because on my birthday he told me he liked me when I was younger because I seemed more mature and down to earth 🤢 so I had it in my mind to leave him when this happened last month)

I told him that I’ll try to speed up the housing progress so I can leave sooner. I don’t know what he wants me to say I don’t know why we’re having this conversation. I’m trapped in a car and explaining myself and why I’m sick.

He then just snapped and says that he’s tired of me always being sick and that he needs a break from me. I just said OK because this has been a long time coming I already applied for a housing program because every day, all times a day, his mother tells me how workless worthless I am. (it’s been hard for me to keep a job because I’m now legally mentally stunted from my upbringing I swear I’m not victim complexing myself my life is genuinely this shit LMAO 🌞.) and I know dealing with somebody like me can be difficult, especially if I’m not contributing to rent

I told him what he’s doing is super shitty. Like don’t even look at me as a girlfriend when I say this, any girl that you get will not tolerate this. His Uber service is shitty. I’m giving him a one star and this is so absurd. Like sorry for choosing to be sick on your work days?? Wtf.

We get into the hospital parking lot and he held me up for two additional hours explaining him fucking self telling me that that’s not what he meant he explained things in the worst way, and that he has ‘trouble explaining how he feels’ and and wanted to bring it up in the time where I can think about what he’s saying. Why the fuck would you say that to somebody when they’re going to the ER? I literally laughed from how absurd it was, and we were both laughing and he was saying sorry. My stomach was cramping like a bitch as he was talking to me and I was just saying OK because I wanted to go and eventually I just opened the car door and just started walking and he followed me of course. He said he’ll send a recap of everything he’s saying in Discord just so I can respond to it, but the gist of it is that he doesn’t want the expectations of showing up for me when I’m in the hospital anymore.

He doesn’t want the partner expectation of certain things in life anymore. But he keeps retracting and saying that when ‘he gets in a better place and gets a better car.’ I know he’s full of whore shit and I don’t wanna even be with him anymore.

Now any rational person would be reading this ask “why I’m even in this relationship to begin with.” Well, he dated me when I was 14 and he was 20 I grew up in a wildly abusive situation. I was neglected severely. I was ‘homeschooled’ my whole life, and by that I mean, I zero schooling, no classmates no interaction outside of my house ever. My mom would force me to listen to her in her problems. She was ill so I had to take care of her often (kidney failure.)

He was the first person I spoke to that listened to what I went through. I liked him and later he confessed to liking me. He made me feel like I was different and mature. ‘ I was so mature for my age.’ was something I was told all the time by my parents and so hearing that from him, it just felt like he knew me as a person who recognized me in a way that no one else did. I knew about darker topics and more adult subjects because my mother would hold me up for hours every night talking to her and consoling her…

But that led to me as soon as I turned 18 moving in with him and his parents because it was still better than my whole life, I was never able to shower, I was getting choked out by my stepdad, sexually abused by my uncle who later ended up on the news for attempted murder & suicide that I witnessed. I’ve been homeless 3 times.

Every day I was so fucking scared. I knew nobody and he seems like my only ticket out of that life.

So I visited him, and I cried. For the first time things felt normal, far more normal than how my life has been. I cried harder than I ever have before just processing everything and given the space to heal.. or so I thought. How wrong and naive I was. Fucking fool.

Even the place I seek refuge (my place of therapy) his family works there and his cousin comes to our groups and listens to what I say.

I tried to make this post a couple of times, but I can’t stop sobbing. Two times in my life I almost drowned. I wish I hadn’t been saved. My soul feels like there’s tar, sludge, darkness. Some people shine brightly because they’re a star, but some people shine like a lit fuse about to explode.

ramen and mochi

it was so magical. I'm so down bad for this guy, he's one of my best friends! i always thought he was pretty cute and i imagined the scenario, but i never thought it'd actually happen.

these past few weeks we've been talking a LOT and opening up about our passions, lives, struggles, hobbies, etc. it's even better bc we share a lot of similar interests and are both open to learning more about each other's interests we don't know much about yet. he's into making music, and i sing, play instruments, writing, etc so we're also gonna write some songs together. it's so exciting having a similar creative outlet like that.

last night i had a dream that he confessed and we started making out in a hotel room... and tonight it actually happened but in his room. I'm so so happy it was mutual bc i thought i was delusional about thinking there'd be something with him someday. we were both so nervous and excited, but we were also really comfortable with each other. the chemistry we both feel is something I've never experienced before. literal fireworks in my brain and gut LMAO. he told me he felt this way for a long time and was wanting to tell me but he was a bit nervous to. he liked me the entire time i liked him oops

usually i hate making out or kissing in general but with him it felt so natural??? i hate breath in my face but i really dont mind his in my face at all (that's probably a weird sentence LOL). we both decided to take things slow (yes ik making out isn't the slowest thing in the world but the energy was immaculate okay) and we're going to go on proper dates, our first being this Sunday. we'll be carving pumpkins and making pie with his fam. so excited!

ill continue updating as time goes on but ughh ive never had such a kind, caring, emotionally available, and just amazing person in my life romantically until now.

After five years in the closet I just hit one year on hormones and had a party to celebrate!

About a year ago I started HRT and started slowly coming out to people. I thought everyone was gonna be weirded out by me, but I couldn’t have been more wrong! I’ve got nothing but support!

So I never have birthday parties cause I never really had them as a kid, but I was like this deserves a party! I invited over like fifteen people, all friends who I’m out too and cooked for them in my little one bedroom apartment. We made Cubanos and fries and I spent the last two days marinating the pork shoulder in two different marinades and then slow cooking it for four hours. The food came out fantastic!

The entire night people were coming up and congratulating me and complimenting my hair and telling me my shorts were cute and other stuff you say to girls. Everyone used my right name and right pronouns. One of my best friends actually set a date where she’s gonna do my hair and makeup and doll me up just for the fun of it! 

After so many years of repression and depression, it feels so freeing to finally be me and to finally be happy. 

The future may be uncertain, but for the first time in a longtime I have hope!

AND I GET TO LIVE AS A GIRL!!!!!

Food is Cubano sandwiches with recipe courtesy of binging with Babbish. 

Fries are twice fried duck fat fries with recipe courtesy of Roy Choi

I’ve had a myriad of awful things occur this year such as my grandfather dying, entering an abusive relationship & ending it with police involvement, stresses of work and another potential relationship down the drain just makes me want to pack my shit and leave. I know it’s not that easy, or simple, and it’s expensive, it’s just how I feel.

TW; death
Turkey Bunwich

Well you may remember from this post

She’s gone. In her sleep this morning

August 13, 1941 - October 16, 2026

Goodbye Grandma, I love you

so their is this guy that i like but the probelm with me is its takes me a ot of time to be comfortable aroud guys speicfixallly idk why even in my first rekationship ig i was never me teh real me so yeah it ended but this i want to be me without getting awkward and uncomfortable ,, how do i get comfortable around him?let him see the real me ???????? rn i m literally jsut string to know him

Chicken biscuits: leftover rotisserie chicken and gravy added to a box of Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Intimate partner abuse escape artist here. This time 4 years ago I was planning my escape. I had a dent put in my head and hands around my throat.

I’m now over 3 years out of it. I am finally getting my divorce on my terms hopefully.

It took moving states, loosing a career I loved and being the most honest and vulnerable I’ve ever been. I would do it again.

If anyone is treating you with less than love and respect run.

Edit: bonus points for listening to Blue October You do you I’ll do me.

i just moved to a new country to study and i’m feeling so many emotions.
it has barely been a week and i can already see people leaving me out of hangouts. we’re a small cohort so it is extremely visible when someone doesn’t like someone or actively avoids them. this week was the orientation week and while most people have been really nice, there’s this one person who genuinely dislikes me. and i can respect that! it’s really hasn’t been that long, but i can. i’ve tried to make efforts, introduce myself, make some small talk but this guy can’t even look me in the eye when im talking to him.
yesterday night, a few of us were hanging out in the park. one of the girls was starting to leave, and i joined in with her. but as soon as we took a few steps, they all called out to her and tried to insist that she stay, they had dinner plans and what not. no one said anything to me even though i was standing right there. i get that i might have an unusual name (by their standards), and that it’s difficult to remember, but the least they could’ve done was look at me! i slipped away in front of them and no one even said anything. oh and this comes after they all went on hikes without me. i’m already having a tough time making friends because the culture here is so different from that in my home country.
i have a lot to be grateful for, since this is a great opportunity, and even socially, this could’ve been so much worse. but i can’t help this feeling of regret. i could’ve stayed in my home country. i would’ve figured something else out. maybe that would’ve been the better choice for me.
anyway, dinner is this delicious beer thingy (?) i had yesterday. it was amazing.

cheesecake from the grocery store

im 36+3 and i literally feel like my body's breaking down!! i am so tired and sore and everything hurts. nothing fits anymore and i cant breathe and i still have roughly a month to go!!!! and there's my mom who's been causing me stress which what feels like my whole pregnancy lol. most of my insecurities have definitely stemmed from her but i just can't take it anymore!

today, they saw how big my bump has gotten and instead of it being a sweet moment, she pointed out my stretchmarks AGAIN. she's done this before during s random nice weekend breakfast with the family and i just try to ignore her but i didnt think she'd keep repeating the same shit. she kept saying "Oh too bad you didn't get my skin tsk tsk, you got your aunt's skin, your grandmother and I never got stretchmarks" and then she pulled up her own shirt to show she has no stretchmarks and at that point i've already checked out and left them.

im just so tired and i cannot for the life of me deal with anyone's BS

I would tell her you will meet many and almost none are genuine. Also, cut things off early once you sense something is off.
Guys can wear many different masks, what they show you isn’t necessarily means what they feel about you

In n out

​

To cut a long story short I was out with my husband and his friends who I have now also known for 6 years. One of them always seemed to be a very good guy. Good husband, great dad to his daughters. However, he proved that he doesn't respect women as much as he wants to believe he does.

We were drunk and this friend and I were videocalling with two other dudes of this friend group. After a short while no one said anything? I was really confused and tried to figure out why. They were just staring. Then the friend holding the phone switched to another angle to GET A BETTER VIEW OF MY BREASTS.

Then I realized that these pathetic, desperate losers just looked at my tits the whole time.

I feel embaressed and disgusted. And I am very shocked that this man would do that. Idk, I feel like I trusted him to see me as a friend, as a person on fucking eye level but I guess he first of all sees my gender and sexualizes me.

I lost so much respect for that guy. But hey, I guess thanks for showing me that women are not safe around you??

Dinner: cucumber and avocado maki

Froyo for the first time in 2 years. It was peach flavored! Which is my favorite but rare to find.

I have a very intense job interview scheduled for Thursday. It's more of an oral exam than an interview in ways. I'm horribly anxious about it because I want this job so badly. It would set up a full career for me and determine my life trajectory. (in a good way)

I've been studying and doing mock interviews with people. And I feel like I'm competitive for the role, but it's very very hard to pass this and thus. Anxiety.

Multiple of my friends this past week have gotten great news about getting jobs they wanted. And I so badly wanna be able to share news like that myself in a week. But I'm terrified that instead I'm gonna be crying in bed.

This weekend I have a really fun event I'm helping with. But I feel like I can't even enjoy it cause I'm so anxious. I don't usually deal with this type of anxiety so idk what to do about it. Since I don't think there's anything else I can do to be more prepared, froyo is my method of distracting myself haha.

I’m an indecisive person and have been described as aggressively type B, unmedicated, irresponsible. And i don’t know, it’s always worked out for me? I have a job i like, great social life, etc. I can show up for the people I care about and I like thinking I’m detail oriented when it’s stuff I care about (like school.. and gift giving). However.

I am in a Situation that could have been prevented if everything was different. or at least if i was.

Boyfriend has been trying to move in with me for a while now. i’ve been putting off a hard no because i hoped he’d realize i wasn’t proactive, and that i would probably live somewhere else. i wanted to be the kind of person who could live with him because like lena dunham said, to be loved by the nice guy is to mean something about you is good and worth loving. i wanted that so bad. but i don’t think it’s reasonable.

and then eventually it also felt like a favor he was doing me because i guess he thinks im broke (im not). i am instead moving into a new place with my current roommate because our rent is going up. the why isn’t totally important here. but i’m effectively violating a non-plan now. or something i didn’t realize the extent of.

Now:
- he feels like i chose her over him on the turn of a heel when i was apprehensive about living with him the whole time
- his friends all moved out without him and he’s “stuck at home”
- he wants / feels entitled ??? to move in with me and bestie when that can’t/wont work. he’s offering to pay a third of the rent but we just don’t feel right about it. she has had bad experiences living with couples before and i wish this boundary didn’t need
to be verified to him or smt. he’s just not getting that it is not happening

i led him on and hung him up to dry. fine. i don’t like that this happened. i didn’t feel like i was in the loop about any of these deadlines but i don’t have what i wasn’t told, in writing!

i don’t know what i can do to fix it besides concede to an agreement that will probably dissolve my relationship and my friendship. he’s a great guy and everyone loves him but i know how i am and i think having my own space is very important in my ability to be the person he loves , you know??

i told him he shouldn’t have waited for me if he knew i was as unreliable as he tells me i am. im upset because there’s nothing we can do besides accept the present

Ball soup light noodles extra broth.

dinner was cooked by my roommate, not sure the specifics. bowtie pasta with a spicy sauce, baked potato, very seasoned chicken with hella cilantro, and broccoli. it was absolutely delicious

so i’ve been diagnosed with ocd since last year. my ocd tends to center around social relationships and especially my romantic ones.

my ex boyfriend and i are on great terms and hope to get back together one day, but im just so afraid that he hates me, doesn’t love me anymore, never wants to speak to me again, and wants to go no contact. Objectively I have no reason to think he hates me or any of these things.

I’m genuinely freaking the fuck out just like every single second of the day. Like one second I’m laughing with my roommates and then my heart sinks when I have another intrusive thought. The fear that I don’t want to lose someone so important to me is real, OCD just hates uncertainty.

I’ve been in ERP therapy before so I’m practicing it again. But I haven’t had this many triggers in such a long time. It just kinda sucks I cant move on with my life without ocd clutching onto my worst fears.

but yeah, my ocd hasnt been this bad in so long. I can tell when I wake up with nausea and anxiety, and it doesn’t dissipate through the day. basically sick morning through night.

Sigh. I miss my ex boyfriend. He was amazing and our circumstances just didn’t allow it to work. If we ever came back together it’d be a blessing. And I was doing so fine until this week when I had a spike:

Well dinner was amazing and I watched Annabelle with my roommates, it made me feel better. I haven’t been able to eat lately bc of the anxiety

thank you if you read this

Salad from the restaurant where I work.

~

I love and admire these people so much, but I don't feel like I fit in with them anymore, and being around them reminds me of how much I dislike myself.

Back in high school we bonded over our politics, games, film, and literature. We shared opinions and judgements, it was great fun. While I was always the quiet and reserved one of the group, I still participated in all the conversation and felt belonging with them. But nowadays I'm more quiet and timid than I've ever been. I'm not connected with politics, I don't have much time for games or film, and reading is about all I do for fun. Their lives are moving along in these amazing ways. One is in law school, another has lived all around the country and is devoting his time to creative projects. Meanwhile I've dropped out of college twice, had a child out of wedlock, and I'm going to online business school while I take care of my daughter and disabled wife. It's a decent life and I feel guilty for complaining, but I feel terribly depressed and I'm envious about their lives.

Furthermore, I'm trans or nonbinary or whatever—the only queer person in the group. In high school they were the people I experimented with my gender around, and it felt cool and sexy. Now I just feel weird and out place among them.

In the past few years I lost all of my female and gay friends, and my relationship with my family is strained because my wife doesn't like them, so these people are all I have. I love and admire them, but I increasingly feel out of place among them. Being around them reminds me of the person I could have been and the life I could have had.

Rib tips and fries from a relative's birthday

This is almost too stupid to even mark as a rant, but winter is approaching in the northern hemisphere and I'm already upset again about having to wear a coat. I live in a very cold state and I walk most places, so there's no way around it. I hate coats. I hate how they feel and I hate the noise they make. I have this issue with most clothing, but at least I can opt for pajama pants and a loose sweater if I'm indoors. But if I have to go outside, I can't avoid it. If there was some kind of comfortable sweater that you could wear year-round in lieu of outerwear, I would buy it.

I've never met a coat that was comfortable. They compress the rest of your clothes to your body, they restrict your movement, the length never feels right, they always have weird seams, they make it harder to carry a purse. I hate them. I find fur trim uncomfortable and I can't stand the noise from standard water-resistant materials, so last year I bought a wool coat. The sound is better, but now I can feel the fibers on the back of my neck where the lining ends. I buy almost exclusively secondhand, but I've still spent so much money trying so many different types of coats over the years and it just never works. It gets so bad I genuinely want to cry sometimes. I just want to find clothes that are completely comfortable for once. I've always been told that I'm too particular, but I think I'm right about this one. I don't understand why they haven't invented a coat yet that doesn't make you want to lie down naked in the woods and succumb to the elements.

Edit: I think coats are the jeans of the torso. There is no such thing as a comfortable pair of jeans and there is no such thing as a comfortable coat.

Pre-period, sad girl dinner: grapes, cheese string and chocolate milk

Disclaimer: I know this is a long post, but I’m genuinely struggling and could really use some advice. If you have the time to read it, I’d really appreciate it.

TLDR bellow

I’m one of five siblings. I have two older sisters, with whom I’ve always had a great relationship, and two younger brothers I’m no longer in contact with. All my siblings have their own families and homes, while I’m single and childfree, both by choice. I come from a very traditional, conservative family, and my sister and I are the only ones with more liberal views.

For years, I’ve lived with my parents because they can’t afford the rent on their own. I pay the full rent despite only having one bedroom to myself. I’ve always been so busy with work that I never really stopped to question how unfair this arrangement was. Especially when I barely have any space that feels like mine.

Last month, I finally told my dad that things needed to change and that I couldn’t keep carrying this burden alone. He completely blew up at me, insulting and belittling me in a way I never thought he was capable of. Our relationship was never particularly close, but we were cordial. We haven’t spoken since.

The rent used to come directly from my bank account because I’ve always handled everything financially for my parents. I changed that arrangement so the rent comes from my dad’s account, and I now transfer him only half. He has to cover the other half himself.
I’m also desperately trying to find somewhere of my own, but the housing situation where I live is awful, and finding something affordable feels almost impossible.

I feel TERRIBLE about all of this. I feel guilty for putting my parents in this position, even though I know I can’t keep living like this forever. I thought choosing myself for once wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But remember those sisters I mentioned having a great relationship with?
One has now decided she wants nothing to do with me because she thinks I’m leaving our parents stranded. My other sister and my mom are still in contact with me, but neither wants to discuss the situation because they don’t want to get involved.

Honestly, this is breaking me.

I’ve read so many stories about estranged families, but I never thought I’d be the person watching my own family distance themselves from me.
Deep down, I know I can’t continue like this, but I feel like an awful daughter and sister for finally saying enough is enough.
I’m also approaching my period, so I might be extra emotional, but I don’t think that explains how deeply this is hurting me.

I’m posting here because I genuinely need an outside perspective. I can’t talk about this with the people around me without being made to feel guilty.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Have you ever set boundaries with family and felt like you were losing everyone because of it? How did you deal with the guilt? Did things ever get better?
Any advice or similar experiences would genuinely mean a lot to me right now.

TLDR: I’ve been financially supporting my parents for years while my siblings contribute very little. When I finally asked my parents to share the financial responsibility, my dad lashed out at me. I’m now paying only half the rent and trying to move out, but one of my sisters has cut me off because she thinks I’m abandoning our parents. I feel guilty and heartbroken, even though I know I need to put myself first.

Dinner: cheese and crackers at work

I'm not sure I belong here, I'm non binary and amab, basically the only thing I'm really sure of with regards to my gender is that I don't really relate to dudes so hopefully thats enough.

I (30 nb) spent a lot of my late teens to late 20s thinking that in order for any relationship I was in to last I would have to change parts of myself that came into conflict with whoever I was in any sort of romantic situation with. I had a lot of self loathing issues (still do, but I have a lot more control now and I'm in therapy) and figured the only way I would be desirable to anyone long term would be if I contorted myself to fit whatever someone I was with wanted in a partner. I ceded a lot of decision making for myself that I should've remained firm on, I've tried to be poly for partners because I thought that was the only way they would stay with me, I've forgone addressing my own emotional anguish in order to be on hand full time for a partners spirals.

Fast forward to now and I've made huge strides in my own self worth and boundaries and a clear image of what I want in a relationship, not to mention the fact that I feel much more secure in myself as a person outside of any relationship. Discovering I'm demisexual clarified to me why I have such a hard time in poly relationships and made me more confident in saying that I want monogamy, and my last relationship (despite a lot of toxicity) made me realize that I can in fact be desirable to someone while also being myself, and funnily enough playing baulders gate 3 made me realize that vocal enthusiasm for romance and love is something that I really need as a romantic partner (thanks karlach).

Being the most confident in myself as a romantic partner that I've ever been has unfortunately coincided with a dating rut. I mainly use dating apps because I have a hard time navigating or even detecting flirting in real life settings if its not very obvious (I suspect I'm autistic but have not been diagnosed) and with apps its very clear what people's intentions are. When I first got on dating apps when I was 18 it was very easy to match with people I was interested in and end up meeting up for an initial date at the very least, but in my latest round of trying to put myself out there its just been years of not matching with people I'm interested in, or if I match with someone I have to put all the work into carrying a conversation, or if I match with someone and send the first message they unmatch without responding, its just getting tiring. I do need to get out more, I live in an expensive US city and its hard to find anything to do that doesnt cost money, but I've been getting into 40k and I'm planning on attending some free play events at some game shops once I have an army built and painted, maybe I'll meet someone there. I dont know, its hard to feel optimistic after getting so emotionally tired out by dating apps where I'm basically just laying out as honest of a presentation of myself as I can without infodumping and no one being interested that I'm also interested in. A positive thing I can say is that I do ultimately feel emotionally self sufficient enough to be able to be alone for the foreseeable future, even if I am a bit bummed by the idea of it.