The Evening of the 11th, 9 hrs. after we were together.
I'm not so much at a loss of words but more or less at a loss for expected emotions. Perhaps the whole thing hasn't sunken in yet, that you'll actually be gone and the person who I have been spending much of my life with for the last 8 months will only be assessible through mail or memory. I will not forget New Years Eve, when you told me what you did, and how we both just laid there, crying. I was touched, saddened, glad, overwhelmed but warmed in my heart. We've made large leaps since you announced your engagement with the Air Force. I think the first move was the night we expressed our feelings/intentions of our relationship. (When we talked about Ted, Lex, etc.) I noticed the communication automatically "bettered" the next morning. And, the second move on New Years, when yet again, cooped up feelings were shared. The last few days with you were some of the best and I think closest (without thinking too deeply.)
But I don't want to see this all as a Bad thing. You are entering a new chapter in your life, and I do think you are preparing youself slowly but surely. I'm anxious for you. I'm anticipating many successes for you when they recognize your stamina. I'm happy for you. But Oh I'll miss you. Everytime (for the last 3 nights) that I fell asleep in your arms... I was trying to savor the moment, absorb you, remember you. I didn't have a goodbye speech, a motivational umph, anything, just a quick goodbye with kisses that were quick, too keep me from crying or thinking too hard.
As for me? It's my "calling" to take some time for myself. I feel that even today I got a ton done. I feel like a mentoring monk. And I'm excited about starting school. That's a first.
I'll be in touch with Aaron, and I may even step into the BBC a few times. As long as I can still hear your voice in my head, I know I'm OK and haven't forgotten you. My head aches and I'm done for now. I will dream of you this evening.
Goodnight.