i’ve posted on here once before, but recently i’ve gotten a lot more fearful and avoidant of foods and refuse to buy anything that isn’t popcorn, corn, rice cakes or extremely lowcal veggies and fruit and energy drinks/caffeine

i’ve become so scared of oil (any type), hate/become paranoid seeing others cook for me because they’re adding “too much” of an ingredient and i can’t control or do it EXACTLY how i need it done in my head, and whatnot

i stock up on so many energy drinks and consistently drink only lowcal drinks or whatnot to satiate my hunger and a shit ton of black coffee (i keep no sugary and or dairy things) bc i just think of the calories and it’s so tiring

and on top of that i’ve never ONCE touched or thought about having a cigarette since i was a child (no superiority complex or judgement here!) except for trying one cig to now having picked up on it and having it progress from an occasional to everyday thing bc it masks the hunger or that feeling and makes me feel kind of euphoric or dazed?? i’m so ashamed of myself :/

i wasn’t like this, although i always had a skewed relationship w food and my body since middle school (binge eating or not eating at all and body issues/comparison) and now i feel that it’s swinging the opposite way and i feel a bit pathetic bc im 21 like idek i’m just clouded?

And then I shit myself.
😵‍💫