Is there any way I can get out of this mindset? Its like the more I actually ask myself what im doing the harder it is to justify it to myself.

Im not even sure its worth it. Im only writing this fuckass essay for my dream school, which i dont make the grades to get into. My safty school (which will be the one I end up going to anyways) doesn't require an essay.

I want to care about this stupid essay but I just cant bring myself to. Has anyone ever felt this way? And how do I get out of this mindset.

I am a high school senior and I've hit a massive wall with my applications. I have been working hard on my Common App essay for months. I chose a topic that feels right, but I am really struggling to execute it, and trying other topics just doesn't feel like me. After weeks of trying to edit it line-by-line using different websites and AI, I feel completely lost and stressed out.

My deadlines are coming up in about two weeks. Because I am aiming for several competitive reach schools, I am really hoping to find a fresh set of eyes to give me some guidance. I cannot afford a paid college tutor, but I am not looking for a quick grammar fix or someone to do the work for me. I just need a collaborative partner.

I have written about multiple different things in my drafts. I have a topic that I think is excellent, but I can’t figure out how to execute it. the other ones that I can execute, I don’t think the topic or quite as great. I am so terribly stressed. Writing with this sort of subjectivity is so stressful to me. I would love to find someone who can help me fully restructure my original draft and figure out how to make the execution match the ideas in my head. I would be so grateful to connect with a strong writer, a college student, or someone who has successfully gone through the selective admissions process to bounce ideas back-and-forth over this weekend or next week.

If you have some time to collaborate via PM, please shoot me a message. Thank you so much!

ea deadlines are in like two weeks and I hate everything.
I had brain cancer, it’s an integral part of my story and I need to talk about it, but that seems like such a low quality story. I hate the fact that people reduce my accomplishments to that, and I don’t want to do that to myself.
I’ve done draft after draft of talking about it, not talking about it, talking about not talking about it, and everything in between. I can be kind of a perfectionist and I hate it. I haven’t written a single supp yet.
For everyone in my life that said brain cancer would “at least give me a good college essay”…. I have news for you. It’s giving me a blank word document

I ran my essay through Google Gemini, NOT to edit it but to catch any grammatical errors/get suggestions, and one thing it said was to change part of my first paragraph where it looks like I disregard what I have learned in school, which can be unappealing to admissions officers. What do you think? If you have any suggestions of what to say instead please let me know!!

My first paragraph:

'My favorite teacher is not one you’d find in a school, or in any type of class, but at home, lounging on the sofa. My favorite teacher, and best friend, is a mini-Aussie named Rosemary. I have come to believe that the most important lessons I carry with me have derived from her, and are perhaps more meaningful than anything I have learned in school.'