How do I (23F) decide whether to leave my boyfriend (25M) of two years when guilt keeps making me second-guess myself?
I’m considering leaving my boyfriend of two years, whom I’ll call Evan, and moving home to my mom’s. She wants me to come home and end the relationship. Part of me wants to keep trying, but I’m increasingly depressed, exhausted, and lonely. I feel guilty about leaving, and I’m afraid of how I’ll cope afterward.
Evan says he loves me and believes things will get better if we both try. We’ve had good times together, which makes this confusing. But he now wants to move in together, and I’m scared to take that step when things already feel wrong. We currently live separately but spend about five nights a week together, usually at his place.

Some Background
I went into college hoping to find close friends and independence, but I struggled with my mental health and developed a serious binge-drinking problem. My friendships often revolved around partying. I sometimes had blackouts and emotional outbursts that could become aggressive, and I damaged relationships. I would wake up to angry messages, promise it wouldn’t happen again, and eventually repeat the cycle. Often, I would go anywhere from two weeks to two months without drinking between episodes.
I met Evan during my senior year, while this was still happening. We drank together, and there were times when I would cry, he would get angry, and we would end up fighting while drunk. Eventually, it became clear that I couldn’t keep drinking. I’ve spent most of our relationship trying to stay sober, with relapses every few months, sometimes following fights or other stress.
I take responsibility for the ways I’ve hurt him, including hiding my drinking and saying hurtful things while drunk. I don’t blame him for my drinking problem. But I think my guilt has made it difficult to recognize and address problems with his behavior.
When I bring up something he’s done that hurt me or ask for an apology, he often gets angry, brings up my past behavior, and tells me I’m the reason he acted that way. I end up questioning whether I have the right to be upset.

These are some of the things I’m struggling to move past:
He once told me that if I were raped, he wouldn’t believe me and would consider it cheating. He knows I’ve been raped before.
When I was actively trying to stay sober, he refused to stop drinking around me or keep alcohol out of his house because I needed to “learn how to be around alcohol.” At events, he has refused to leave when I felt uncomfortable around the drinking, even after promising beforehand that he would listen if I needed to go.
He gets upset when I make plans with friends, saying he’s worried I’ll drink or make a bad decision. I’ve stopped seeing people much outside of study sessions or coffee dates. Going out at night without him has become a source of conflict.
On Halloween, which was also my friend’s birthday, she asked whether I could go out with her. He yelled at her, called her a whore, and made other degrading comments. They argued for about an hour. He no longer wants me spending time with her.
He has refused to get me flowers, including for special occasions, because I “didn’t deserve it,” citing my drinking. It isn’t about expensive gifts; I would be happy with a cupcake or another small gesture of care.
He rarely wants to go on dates unless they’re things he wants to do. I’ve been asking to go to a particular restaurant throughout our relationship, and it still hasn’t happened.
At a family celebration of an accomplishment of mine, he took offense to a comment from my grandmother and left when I really wanted him there. The day became focused on his reaction. On the way there, he had also insisted on stopping for alcohol, making us late. I wasn’t drinking that day and my entire family is sober.
During a trip to visit my father that was supposed to be about healing and sobriety, he drank throughout the visit. I relapsed during that trip. He had also opposed me going because he was worried I would drink or cheat.

There are also recurring issues:
He makes racist comments and uses the N-word.
He has made misogynistic comments about women being unfit for positions of power, bad drivers, and cheaters.
He frequently makes “jokes” about me cheating, even though I’ve repeatedly told him they make me uncomfortable.
When I talk, he often looks at his phone or seems checked out. When I raise concerns, he sometimes hangs up or says I’m ruining the day, nitpicking, or not giving him peace.
I also feel expected to work around his schedule and preferences, with little flexibility for mine. He sometimes interrupts me or calls when he knows I’m studying.
There are good things, too, and that’s part of why this is hard.
He stops to help people and animals who need it.
He cooks for me and wants to spend his free time with me.
I feel comfortable around him without worrying about how I look or what I’m wearing.
He has stayed through difficult periods with my drinking and says he forgives me.
When I’m deeply depressed, he can be there to talk, although it often feels like I have to reach a breaking point first.
He tells me he loves me, wants a future with me, and wants me to be part of his family.
I love him, and I don’t want to erase those good parts. But when things are good, I tend to minimize everything else. I’m writing this out because I want to look at the relationship honestly instead of continually making excuses.
I know I have my own work to do regardless of whether we stay together. What I can’t sort out is how much my guilt is influencing my decision to stay, and whether this relationship is making it harder for me to get better.
How can I evaluate whether there’s a realistic path forward? And if I decide to leave, how do I navigate the guilt and fear that keep making me second-guess myself?

How do I even start. I do 70% of this persons life. They almost can't do anything for herself and I feel bad for her but also frustrated of how much I need to occupy my sister. We have rough history together growing up neglected by our parents plus both quit school early due to mental health problems.

There's context to why the person is the way they are. Early this year she had a bad migraine episode and since then she's been ..not using her eyes.

Apparently focusing her eyes triggers the migraines. I did my research and I do think she does have a type of migraine that's triggered by light. My parents and I tried to encourage her to see the doctors but her reason is that "Doctors don't help" to be fair I can see the reason because I myself had unhelpful doctors throughout my life but at the same time it's the only way? atleast try. Anyway.

So with that given She's been relying on me since then and I'm really tired. She literally does not use her eyes and it made me think "what is her eyes doing?" ???? aren't eyes always focusing to some degree. That's the bit that confuses me. I'm worried she's untraining her eyes which can make the migraines worse. And when I do question the condition, she says " oh..so you don't understand" and when the conversation gets heated it always end in a " I don't care" "No one gives a fuck" and would walk off.

It hurts because I feel like I'm taking care of a person who's not blind and does not see my efforts. I have to read out the movies, talk to her all the time. Read stuff out loud, take her to walks.. even pick up a item and say what it is. Because she can't do anything I have to be with her a lot. It's not that she's completely not capable. I have seen her wash dishes but idk why she can't do anything else.

She does NOTHING. And it's been almost a year. How could someone go through that.

And she tells me that her head is getting better but from what I'm seeing her behaviour doesn't match up. She's more nervous to use her eyes to the point she would crash into things, spill water and I think her neck got bent over time from looking down too much. She really believes it and I don't want to completely dismiss that the situation isn't real but I do believe there's space for improvement. Even just a little.

Like Sometimes I want to push her away. There are times where I cry about it. It's like I'm loosing myself to be the legs of someone else. I wish she can make her own choice to be independant because this relationship is disrupting my life.

It's hard to say no because I will receive very hurtful words like there was this one time were we argued via discord and holy hell it cut me so bad I still feel the hurt from the verbal abuse. I deleted the message so i don't remember everything she said to me but It's the most traumatic experience. Like I was trying to push her off me but she fired " You did this, you did that, you you you, never care about me. I will fucking die" something like that. I was so confused because those words came out of no where to me, I always cared but didn't know how to express it to a person who struggles to read emotions.

Gradually I feel distant to that person, even bitter. I wanna just live my life not thinking about that person. It seems like she controls me, she doesn't know what she is doing is wrong, she thinks it's the standard but when her beliefs are challenged, she will just say she doesn't care and that people always don't care. Speaking of that she tends to nit pick on what other people do, girl! ya don't even LOOK at them, how does she know people judge her? she doesn't give the benefit of the doubt even when it's obvious!

And she is really harsh to my parents which hurts me as well.

There are many times where she says that we will be together and not move out but every-time that's brought up, I feel I want to part ways. Not in a way to completely ditch her (in which she will perceive it as) but rather leave space and boundary.

There's a lot to say but here's the main part. Seriously. Have anyone got a person like this? my situation is specific and I have spoken to some people about it, they have never heard of it before. It drives me nuts and I feel so lonely.

I’m honestly getting a bit frustrated with trying to heal my anxious attachment, and I’m wondering if anyone else feels the same.

I’m generally pretty independent in life, but when it comes to relationships, I can become a completely different person. A small change in someone’s tone or a delayed reply can send me into hours of overthinking. I start analysing conversations, imagining worst-case scenarios, and feeling like I need reassurance or an answer before I can relax.

The frustrating part is that I KNOW what I’m doing. I understand my triggers and why I react this way, but in the moment, it feels almost impossible to stop.

I’ve tried so many things to work on this. Journaling, meditation, reading about attachment styles, learning CBT in therapy, talking things through with ChatGPT, and trying to understand where these patterns come from.

Some of these things help temporarily, but the same patterns keep coming back. I can journal for a whole hour and understand exactly why I’m anxious, yet still feel anxious afterward. I can understand that I’m catastrophising, but that doesn’t necessarily stop me from doing it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing these things wrong, or if I’m just missing something. I don’t expect healing to happen overnight, but it’s discouraging to put so much effort into understanding myself without feeling like I’m making much progress.

For those of you who have struggled with this:

How was your healing experience? What have you tried that genuinely DIDN’T work for you? What has actually helped you break the anxious spiral? If it worked, any specific tips or step-by-step on how did you do it?

'Feelings and Surrender

Surrendering is a highly personal and spiritual experience.

Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience.

Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings – anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief. As we surrender, we experience our frustration and anger at God, at other people, at ourselves, and at life. Then we come to the core of the pain and sadness, the heavy emotional burden inside that must come out before we can feel good. Often, these emotions are connected to healing and release at a deep level.

Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender.

We are protected. We are guided. Good things have been planned. The next step is now being taken. Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how our Higher Power moves us forward. Trust in the rightness of timing, and the freedom at the other end, as you struggle humanly through this spiritual experience.

I will be open to the process of surrender in my life. I will allow myself all the awkward and potent emotions that must be released.'

By Melodie Beattie

In 2022, I met my best friend. We have hung out every single day except a few times when one of us was sick. We both bonded over shared traumas with past friendships but lately the friendship has felt exhausting. When I try and take space, he unintentionally makes me feel guilty because he's going through things right now. I feel like I can't set boundaries or he will just end the friendship and we have a lot involved in the friendship. We have animals together, and he's on my phone plan. I do value the friendship but lately it just feels like it's more stressful than anything else. I've never experienced a friendship like this before and idk what to do or how to handle things without it exploding.

October 16th

'In This Moment, I Am Finally Learning

For years, I thought I intuitively understood what another person was thinking or feeling, and that I was right to assume that how I interpreted their actions and words was exactly what they intended to convey.

What I learnt from experience is that I never know what is going on in another person's life or mind at any given time. When I feel someone is responding or reacting inappropriately, I need to allow them to be who they are at that moment. Not everything is about me. Life has its ups and downs and emotions are triggered by those ebbs and flows. I am finally learning that I am not in control. That's ok; (...).'

To start : I know these feelings I had for a past friend was beyond a crush, so really it was either love or codependence.

Anyway I’m not really sure what it was, if I had feelings for her, if I was aroace. I don’t really have any emotional trauma or baggage that would explain my fear of abandonment or anything. So I didn’t really think of it as codependence until the friendship was over.

A couple years ago I realised an old crush faded, so I chose a new person to like (Red flag already I know) and I thought about this girl. She had the same hobbies as me and was fairly attractive so I spent months obsessing over her until I believed I had actual feelings for her.

Then after another year we actually became really close. I know how it sounds that I never liked her, but it felt a lot like I did. I’d always drop everything I was doing to tend to her. She got mad at me a lot, I’m autistic small disclaimer, I often did or said things that were clearly not properly thought through that she’d criticise me on. And every time that happened I’d spend multiple hours writing a well thought out apology. Because I just wanted her happy with me. I would always put her needs above mine, ignoring how often she didn’t notice my feelings or how little she prioritised me just so I could stay close with her. The only times I mentioned she did that were times I wasn’t emotionally stable myself (eg. Times I was in a depressive spiral)

I lost her as a friend when she was told that I liked her. And tbh it crushed me, it felt like I lost my purpose.

Idk if it was codependence or if i actually genuinely liked her. I’m leaning towards codependence tho.

Idk she texted me like a bit ago asking to chat again, and idk if i should say yes or no. On the one hand i want to say no because being friends with her was so emotionally draining for me, but i miss her so much, it’s been a year since she dropped me as a friend mind u, i felt needed by her in a way ive never felt needed by anyone else. And i don’t know if that’s love or not.

I just need someone to help. To tell me if this was codependence or not. I want to go into detail about it. And I will likely comment with a whole timeline

Changing Inside

"As we greet co-workers or friends, we feel that we are changing inside. We begin to recognize a power inside we had not known before." BRB p. 273

Regularly taking a quiet time helps us to grow up emotionally and spiritually. How we take it depends on our choices. At first, we spend time by ourselves when we need to, letting others do what they will to take care of themselves. If they spend it getting drunk and high, we let them, but we no longer seek that outlet for our pain and suffering, if that was how we previously coped. Later, we see that we actually enjoy spending time alone. We don't fill ourselves up with others just to pass the time and keep us numb. We no longer pretend to be excited when we're not. We seek those we can truly connect with and enjoy. We talk not just about superficial things, but about who we are and what's important to us. People respect us more at work and elsewhere because we don't seek constant approval as we did in our families. We no longer do things we're uncomfortable with just for the sake of fitting in. As we become more genuine, we allow others to find their own paths; instead of labeling them, we now make room for our differences. If some don't like the new us, we have to let them go. We adjust our list of whom we can trust.

On this day I will own my power to be genuine and feel how comfortable it is to focus on being myself.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

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