To keep it short and spare the details, I had an agreement with someone about spending time together. However, they left me waiting over an hour. No updates on how much longer or anything. I called to check in and they forwarded it, then texted me they were still at another location. I told them I’m just going to leave. And I did.
In that moment, I felt really disappointed and let down. They had expressed excitement earlier in the day about getting to spend time together. Their actions did not show that they wanted to spend time with me. They made a choice. And so I also made a choice.
Normally I would’ve just waited even longer only to then get resentful about it. Yes I cried on my drive home and yes it was hard to work through. But it does feel good that I chose my peace tonight over a spiral conversation/argument and rumination. And that I was able to let them know what I will or won’t tolerate.
It’s also very hard accepting that I can’t control what others choose to do. I can imagine this person might be having a hard time responding because they’re used to me caving and taking blame even for their let downs. But that’s theirs to work through.

Fuck it. I’m just gonna write it out while I have the balls to do so. No chat gpt either to make it interesting. I simply don’t get it. I feel like i have made huge improvements - i have gotten better at setting boundaries with family, with friends, random people - it’s amazing honestly. I’ve built honest and kind relationships now in my life and yet when it comes to my romantic life it just falls out the window.
Its like everything i apply to everyone else doesn’t apply to my partner because they’re supposed to be my everything. My life partner, the father of my kids. I just give and give without looking back, giving blindly because i am so in love and desperate to make it work once my soul has been set on fire.
Why - for some fucking reason - can i set boundaries with everyone else except my romantic partner?
Why does he keep getting a pass, as if he is exempt from my boundaries?
I don’t get it.
All i know is that i’m TIRED of it.
I recently lost the supposed love of my life because he didn’t have the capacity to maintain it and needs to find himself even though he loves me meanwhile i was ready to burn the whole world for him.
WHY is it like this. WHAT is this feeling. I am sick of it.

**TL;DR:** Since losing my job, I’ve become much more emotionally dependent on my long-distance boyfriend, despite him being loving, supportive, and making time for me every day. I constantly miss him, crave reassurance, and fear losing him. I’m struggling with the imbalance between our daily lives and want to learn how to feel secure and emotionally independent again.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (28F) have been dating for about a year, and we’re in a long-distance relationship. Until recently, I felt like I was handling the distance pretty well.
However, I got fired from my job a couple of weeks ago, and since then, I’ve noticed a big change in how I feel about the relationship.
For the first time in a long time, I miss him SO much. The distance suddenly feels incredibly difficult, and time seems to be moving painfully slowly until I get to see him again.
I think a big part of it is that I’ve lost the structure and purpose that my job gave me. I still try to keep myself busy by going to the gym, seeing friends, studying for my driving licence, and doing things for myself, but I have so much more free time now.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend has a full-time job, colleagues, friends, and a busy social life. When I was working, I was also busy throughout the day, and our relationship felt like a wonderful part of my life rather than the main thing I was looking forward to.
Now, even though I try to fill my days, I spend so much time alone with my thoughts, and I find myself looking forward to our evening calls more than anything else. Meanwhile, he’s naturally occupied with work and social plans, so I feel like there’s suddenly an imbalance in how much mental space our relationship occupies in our respective lives.
The thing is, **he genuinely makes a lot of effort in our relationship.** We have a video call every single day, usually for at least an hour, even on days when he’s busy or has been out with friends. He’s also visited me many times, and he’s consistently loving, affectionate, and supportive.
And yet, somehow, **the attention I receive never seems to feel like enough lately.** I know he’s already making time for me, and I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. But I still find myself wishing we could talk more, spend more time together, or that he’d express how much he misses me more often.
I also notice that I’ve become much more sensitive to his availability. If he’s out with friends or busy, I sometimes feel disappointed or anxious, even though rationally I know he deserves to enjoy his life.
**Deep down, I think I’m scared of losing him.** I worry that he’ll eventually get tired of my insecurities, my need for reassurance, or the fact that I’m struggling emotionally right now. Sometimes I fear that because he’s doing well and has a fulfilling life, he’ll eventually realise he doesn’t need me as much as I need him and leave me.
I know these fears aren’t necessarily rational, especially because he’s never given me any real reason to doubt his feelings. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t seem to stop the anxiety.
I also find myself overthinking things like when we’ll see each other next, how long I should visit him for, and how much time we’ll get to spend together. I can spend hours analysing these decisions, and it’s honestly exhausting.
I don’t want to put unfair pressure on him or make him feel responsible for my happiness. I genuinely want him to have his own friendships, independence, and fulfilling life. I just wish I could feel equally content and secure in mine.
I love him and value our relationship so much, but I don’t want my happiness or emotional stability to depend on how much attention or reassurance I receive from him. I want to feel secure in our relationship without constantly needing proof that everything is okay.
**Has anyone experienced something similar, especially after losing a job or going through a period of uncertainty? How did you deal with the fear of abandonment and constant need for reassurance without letting it affect your relationship?**

Grief

"ACA meetings can unlock the grief that has not been addressed for years." BRB p. 68 

The thought of doing grief or loss work doesn't sound inviting. It sounds as if we are going to a funeral. There's a deep sense of sadness just thinking about it. But when we review our childhoods, we realize that our sadness is actually waiting for an opportunity to be expressed.

In meetings we witness strong survivors of family alcoholism and other dysfunction as they visit their childhood funerals. We hear them share the current effects of their harrowing childhood experiences. This helps many of us to start recalling the events that led to the feelings we have had of a continuous sense of loss.

As we keep coming back, our memories and feelings keep coming back also - sometimes gradually, sometimes haltingly. But they do come if we are consistent in our meeting attendance. This is where we find the space to express the grief of our childhood losses. It's where we learn to heal after years of denying our feelings.

On this day I will remember that it's important for me to share my memories in order to heal. It also allows me to connect with others who have had similar experiences.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №306

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE3MA%3D%3D

26F. I've been with this man on and off for over a year, and I want to learn to let him go.

Last year I lost my job and fell into some nasty marijuana habits to cope with the stress and difficulty of my life. When I met him 24M, I didn't have much of a standard. Mostly because his situation just seemed unattractive: chronic weed-smoking, video gaming-playing, no friends, career, goals, chronic unemployement, severe anger issues, and I've been speculating issues with contamination beliefs that make our time together dribbled with tension. Now I believe i might be in an abusive situation. Typing the word makes me feel awful, but the idea that what i'm experiencing could be someone else's nightmare too makes this need to say something stronger.

I'd been fortunate enough in my dating history to have not experienced it the way that I believe I've been now. Everything that you can imagine would be wrong with our relationship, is. His lack of motiation has left him completely stagnant. While he's learning how to drive (something I pratically forced him to do), I'm paying for everything, doing the 2hr round trip to seem him, and trying to make my life work around this person who is unable to even meet me half way in life experience let alone a relationship. But whats made this truly awful is that he has a temper like a microwaved egg. And he's insecure, deeply so.

I've gotten to so many breaking points, crying fits, and a shit ton of 'I cant take this anymore!' s, and still. Some insufferable being inside of me wont let me leave him. I get so close, I make the threats, and on occcassion I leave for a few weeks, but then I never stay away. And in the time I try to prepare to honor all the things that mattered to me when we weren't together, my sobriety, job hunting, soul searching, peace, its all a distant fog of emotions and hope that I can't tap into.

I used to pride myself on not taking shit from anyone. Especially men. I never would've thought i'd be here with an angry man who yells at his mother and hates himself so deeply that it makes me pity him. It's not hard imagining what my life would be without him. It's the consequence of knowing that I would be abandoning him to the bleakness that his life was without me. And when I think about that, I'm filled with shame, because now I know him so intimately that leaving him feels hurting him on purpose. And he's good at convincing me a break up is the last thing we need.

Now I'm starting to become the angry one in our relationship. It's gotten to a point where he feels like he's being feeling verbally abused. It breaks my heart. Everyone says I should be prioritizing myself. That I shouldn't feel bad, that breaking up is the consequence of my needs going unmet continuously. But I don't feel any of those things. I feel trapped, exhausted, and concerned for someone I love. It doesn't feel good to think about being free from him, because I'm not free from what my mind will do with the lack of him. Months of wondering of his health and whearabouts with little to no control over it. Ruminating constantly about all of the ways I'd been treated, whether or not I did enough to save the relationship, or whether I could've been better at making him show up for his own life.

I don't know what I'm hoping for in this thread. But my I'm losing a copious amount of weight everyday from carrying this relationship on my back financially, emotionally, and physcially. We've both been open to breaks, but never take one. But now I don't feel like this is something i should be taing a break from, more than a deep long and reflective stroll AWAY from.

I want to know how to leave. I want to know what someone who may understand what I'm going through, did to leave. Please help.

Earlier this year I finally reached my breaking point and asked my husband of 17 years to move out. Over our 6-month separation I did a lot of self-reflection and self-work including working on my codependency towards him.

In September he moved back in and it's been going really well. Letting him be a mess, letting him make mistakes, not letting his anxiety drive my own.

The impact on my mental health has been amazing. I no longer feel a sense of dread coming home from work or feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Where I'm struggling is filling the void left by not acting on my codependency towards him. I didn't realize how much of our relationship was built on that structure and now it feels like we're starting from scratch without it.

I just want to note that I did voice to text because I'll never be able to type out my thoughts in one straight shot. I have to just vomit words. I have two young kids running around and I'm trying to take care of everything at this moment so I had my Google phone clean it up, just sentence structure and grammar. If it sounds robotic that's why. I swear I'm not a robot. I'm actually embarrassed to say that because I hate ai and I'm trying not to use it but then at the same time if I were to try to write this all out I would never end up posting it because I would overthink everything. Please don't judge me. How fucking pathetic is it that I have to even say that?

I'm having a bit of a crisis. I want to live a life where I can do the things I truly want (garden year-round, run a small niche farm operation for things I already grow and know I can make money off of, help others via a nonprofit I put together, and run a small cafe where my wife bakes all of the goods), but it's hard because I've been dependent on my parents. I'm in my thirties, have a family, and it's embarrassing to say that I'm still like a child. I'm not self-supporting at all.

They do this thing where they support you, but they do so in a way that allows them to control you. For example, they don't want me to move. I have two small children and a wife, and they want me to live in the same state as them. But the thing is, they're only here for a third of the year. They live part of the year in Europe, part of the year where my sister lives, and they have a house in this state.

My family and I live in a house they own. It's a threeplex, which is amazing because my children get to spend time with their grandparents when they're here, but they also get to spend time with my mother-in-law, who rents one of the units from my parents at a very affordable price.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because I really am very grateful for everything we have. I am a teacher who makes no money; not enough money to support my entire family and allow my wife to stay home with the kids, which is what she really wants to do (for now).

Living in this home and receiving support from my parents allows us to live a good life, for the most part. I can work, and she can stay home with the kids. Our children are doing very, very well right now. It's not a delusion. They're really smart, emotionally intelligent, and just good kids. I know that's because my wife stays home with them.

The problem is that they use their support as a means of control. They don't want me to move, so if we want to move, we have to do it all on our own, and they know that. That's why they don't offer to help us with a move at all: they want us to stay.

Now, the house we live in is one I helped build. I put years of my life and hard work into building this house; doing the electrical work, plumbing, flooring, trim, etc. The deal was that if I helped build the house, I would have a rent-free room here for the rest of my life. This doesn't transfer to a new house though unfortunately. Even if they sell this place. They would hold it against me I feel like.

My parents would make out like fat rats if they sold this place. They got it for dirt cheap, and it's worth easily $2.5 million. They may have put in around $700,000 total, probably less.

Also, I've reached the point where I've burned out on teaching. I was starting to hate what I was doing because the kids don't give a fuck at all. The amount of brain rot and cell phone addiction problems I see has made me cry. It's like I'm watching civilization crumble before my eyes because the youth is the most important thing in the world to me.

So it's this whole shit-show combination of me feeling like I'm powerless over everything. I know I'm an alcoholic, and I've worked the 12 Steps and am still active in AA, so I know what I should be doing. I get it. I just need to talk this through with somebody, and I feel like CoDA was recommended to me, so I want to explore it a bit more.

I'm actually meeting with somebody tomorrow who could be kind of like a sponsor. I've known her for a very long time, and she's a very good woman.

I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I can't think my way through this. I just have to make a decision and do it. But I'm also a hoarder, so moving makes me sick feeling because I know that I need to get rid of a lot of stuff. I have major attachment problems; My mom used to clean my room when I was a kid and just throw away a ton of stuff that meant a lot to me and tell me that I didn't care about my things. I have extremely bad ADHD and keeping a house clean is really hard for me. She would shame me and make it seem like I just didn't care. I really did care though. I just didn't know how to keep a house cleaner room clean at all.. A lot of my problems with ADHD, hoarding, coda, etc never went away when I worked the Steps. I'm still actively trying my best to do them on a day-to-day basis, I'm not perfect though.

So I understand that I won't get an answer and that I'll never know the outcome of things until I just do it, but it's scary. I know the best things in my life have come from massive change.

The thing is, part of me feels like I'm in a rush to make a big change, while another part of me isn't in a big rush to make a huge change.

My teaching contract is up in December because I took a different teaching gig instead of a high school year-round job. I just had it with that. So I could be looking at a different state for a new job.

But then again, there's so much uncertainty. Do I make the move? Is it the right call? My kid is settled in school here. My wife doesn't want to be here. I know we've talked about that a million times. She doesn't want to live in bum-fuck Egypt like we do right now. She wants to have neighbors and not feel isolated, which I totally get and agree with, too.

It's just so much. I don't know where I'm going. I'm literally rambling as I pick up pieces of plastic trash in the street.

But yeah, any advice would be much appreciated.

'Financial Responsibility

“When I began recovery from chemical dependency, I had to face my money mess stone cold sober, and I really had a mess,” said one woman.

“I wasn’t able to earn much at first, and it was important to me to make amends. I had past due bills from years before. I needed to try to stay current with my new bills. I had a lot more money before I sobered up. But in time, slowly, gradually, my financial situation cleared up. I restored my credit. I had a checking account. I had a little money in the bank.

“Then I married an alcoholic and began to learn about my codependency – the hard way. I lost myself, my feelings, my sanity, and all the progress I had made with my financial affairs. My husband and I opened a checking account together, and he over drafted checks until I lost the right to have a checking account. I let him charge and charge on my credit card, and he drove that into the ground.

“We borrowed and borrowed to keep our sinking ship afloat – and we borrowed a lot from my parents,” she said. “By the time I began my recovery from codependency, I was again facing a real financial mess. I was furious, but it didn’t matter who did what. I had some serious financial matters to face if that part of my life was ever going to become manageable again.

“Slowly – very slowly – I began to work out of my mess. It seemed impossible! I didn’t even want to face it, it felt so overwhelming and hopeless. But I did. And each day I did the best I could to be responsible for myself.

“One decision I made was to separate and protect myself financially from my husband, the best I could, before and after we divorced. The other decision I made was to face and begin reconstructing the financial affairs in my life.

“It was difficult. We owed over fifty thousand dollars, and my ability to produce income had dramatically decreased. I was grieving; my self-esteem was at an all time low; my energy was low. I did not know how I would ever untangle this nightmare. But it did happen. Slowly, gradually, with the help of a Higher Power, manageability crept in and replaces chaos.

“I began by not spending more than I earned. I paid back some creditors, a little at a time. I let go of what I couldn’t do, and focused on what I could do.

“Now, eight years have passed. I am debt free, which I never imagined possible. I am living comfortably, with money in the bank. My credit has been restored, again. And I intend to keep it that way.

“I am not willing to lose my financial sanity and security again, ever, for love or for alcoholism. With the help of God and the Twelve Steps, I won’t have to.”

One day at a time, we can be restored in recovery – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially. It may get worse before it gets better – because we are finally facing reality instead of dodging it. But once we make the decision to take financial responsibility for ourselves, we are on our way.

(...), help me remember that what seems hopeless today can often be solved tomorrow, even if I can’t see the solution. If I have allowed the problems of others to hurt me financially, help me repair and restore my boundaries around money – and what I am willing to lose. Help me understand that I do not have to allow anyone else’s financial irresponsibility, addiction, disease, or problem to hurt me financially. Help me go on with my life in spite of my present financial circumstances, trusting that if I am willing to make amends and be responsible, things will work out.'

By Melodie Beattie

Ich habe mit meinem Mann zusammen 8 Wochen einen Obdachlosen, Alkoholabhängigen Mann auf der Straße in Hamburg begleitet. Nach einem heftigem Streit vor 2,5 Wochen hat er sein Zelt abgebaut, hat alle Sachen in seinen Fahrradanhänger verstaut und ist mit dem Fahrrad abgehauen ohne Tschüß zu sagen.
Wir haben ca. 700€ ihm in Form von Kleidung, Zelt, Fahrrad und Nahrungsmitteln gegeben.
Soweit so gut. Leider hatte ich romantische Gefühle für ihn und Day er sich geghostet hat tut mir jetzt total weh und ich vermisse ihn total.
Ich habe festgestellt, dass ich total Co-Abhängig reagiert habe und zwar die kompletten acht Wochen.
Jetzt bin ich so erschöpft, habe mich erstmal krank schreiben lassen und bin mit meinem Mann zu einem Al-Anon Familien Angehörigen Meeting gegangen.
Jetzt meine Frage: Wie kann ich das überwinden und hat vielleicht jemand schonmal eine ähnliche Erfahrung gemacht.
Bin dankbar für Anregungen.

Patience

"Rebuilding, or building, our lives takes time. It takes patience and steady focus." BRB p. 431 

Many of us never knew what focus or patience really looked like until we came to ACA. We had spent our lives moving frantically from one thing to another.

As we began practicing new behaviors, we started by first being consistent in our attendance at meetings. We then began reaching out by making phone calls and asking for help to stay focused. When we became willing to take on service roles in meetings, it was to both feed our own recovery and to give back. We were searching for balance, realizing it took patience to recover from the years of dysfunction we'd experienced.

We learned to take care of our physical needs, resting when we were tired and eating healthy food to nurture our bodies and minds. We began retiring our compulsive behaviors as we became more aware of them.

Now we see our efforts paying off as we experience serenity. We have learned to ask for what we need in our jobs, friendships and romantic relationships because we know we're worth it. If others don't hear us, we move on. We have walked courageously into the light of recovery, feeling safe, perhaps for the first time.

On this day I pray for patience, and value the opportunities that present themselves. I ask for the guidance I need to stay focused on my needs.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №305

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2OQ%3D%3D

Since I was a child, people have always been the first thing I think about. They are constantly in my head and act as my main focus, always taking priority over myself. I am constantly worrying about how they will react, what they think of me, their needs, whether I'm doing something wrong that I shouldn't be doing, how to not upset them, how to explain things to them, or how to say this or that to them.

You get the idea. It has hurt me in all sorts of ways. It made me pathetic and weak, and I hated myself for it. I've been humiliated, embarrassed, bullied, and disregarded because of the weakness caused by not being able to detach my mind from people, by not being able to simply think of myself. And you know what, after getting hurt like that is the only time when I actually heal for a minute, I feel such confidence and strength, usually born out of bitterness and spite, thats the only time when I achieve the state of mind I want and it feels good, its the only time I learned what confidence feels like. But ofcourse this is just temporary, and soon after I revert to my habits.

So, how do I do it? How do I detach myself mentally from people and not by pretending, and how do I become the first thing in my own mind ?

I am a very empathetic person and I like to help people as much as is in my power to do so. When I can't, I'm overcome with guilt and anxiety. I feel like I'm not doing enough for those I love.

I've done everything I can to prevent my sister from being homeless, and now she's being presented with it. She had since January to sort out a living situation. I sent her links to houses for rent and organisations that could help, yet she's still facing homelessness next Monday.

I am so upset and distraught about this. I have a good life and a roof over my head. I know I'm not responsible for her decisions, but I could have bailed her out months ago and I didn't for the first time ever. And now, she's being kicked out. I honestly thought that stepping back and letting her take the reins would help her and me, but it didn't. Now I'm guilt-ridden. I can't shake this feeling. I went to my first meeting tonight because I was so desperate for help.

Thanks for reading ❤️

I believe understanding relationship dynamics is key in cultivating healthy ot healthier relationships with others.

I have read quite a few books until now in my healing journey. I would like to recommend some of those which impacted me the most in better understanding relations. I find them complementary.

Scripts People Live. Claude Steiner

It’s about transactional analysis and scripts. What I really like about this book:

How the inner critic is introduced
How he covers the role of lies
How he explains lovelessness, joylessness, mindlessness, powerlessness and how the human in us is being emotionally destroyed
Power plays and how they contribute to avoiding intimacy
Power control

What I like less: how he undermines the value of individual therapy to the profit of group therapy. I personally can see some value in both, provided that a suitable therapist is found, which is not an easy task.

For a new reader, it seems to me some chapters are quite valuable, while others I would disregard. Some chapters may provide an unnecessary headache.

However I find this book fondamental in understanding a few concepts and how those may be integrated within our lives.
This was an eye-opener.

Why would you read this book?

- You want to understand the impact of what people say and told you in infancy and its workings on you
- You want to better understand the concepts of power and control
- You want to better understand depression
- You want to better understand frustrating interactions with others

This is however not much of a book for solutions but is great for awareness.

The Dance of Anger. Harriet Lerner

Great to understand:

Roles and responsibilities
Dynamics and unbalances
How change takes place
Emotional abuse / manipulation tactics

However I personally disagree with two things:

She mentions the relationship with the family of origin. While it plays a role, she recommends as much as possible to repair it and I don’t agree. In certain cases, it may be best to leave this relationship alone. However if it is alive and active, then it is an important place to look at for deeply ingrained dynamics. If change can happen here, then it is more likely that it is easier to change dynamics in other relationships afterwards.

If I remember correctly, she also invites someone who starts a change to comfort whoever is impacted. I disagree with this approach if this involves chasing.

Why would you read this book?

- You feel you struggle with dealing with anger. You tend to explode at times and want to know what to do about it.
- If you try to change the dynamic of your relationships, what could happen? Why can change be so hard?

Women Who Love Too Much. Robin Norwood

Great book to understand co-dependency better. Non-shaming. With concrete steps to recover. I found it to be an essential read. An eye-opener.

Hower I disagree when she seems to imply that trying to fix the relationship is wrong or that trying to overcome childhood issues is wrong.

Why would you read this book?

- You are in love with some who has addictions (in this case I also recommend checking Gabor Mate’s work)
- You know you are in an unhealthy relationship. You’re in pain and you would like to know what to do.
- You are trying to understand why you tend to end up with or attract men who don’t seem to respect you or love you the way you want

The Verbally Abusive Man. Can He Change? Patricia Evans

This is to me the men’s pendant to “Women who love too much”.

A great book. Its focus is on romantic relationships and on men. I believe the behaviour described can be applied to other life scenarios: the family, work and the type of abuse described may take place from other people’s categories and towards other people’s categories.

Nonetheless, it explains certain behavioral mechanims through a concept the “dream woman” and offers an action plan. The books covers the impact of emotional abuse, what it is, as well as why it happens and the struggles of men.

I have found the explanations to be very helpful and it can be very liberating for a man to read this book as well as for a woman. I perceive it as non-shaming.

The drawback is that its explains verbal abuse only through one emotional mechanism which to me can feel limiting in certain situations since as I said, this can occur in variations.

I also think victims need to be careful in their consideration of what to attempt and when/how, and when deciding to try or leave.

Perhaps a good complement to this is “Why does he do that?” from Lundy Bancroft.

One particularly great point I have found in Evan’s book is that she acknowledges that responsibilities for a relationship failure is not always 50/50, couple therapy may not always be the best approach and no, sharing your feelings and saying you’re hurt à la “non violent communication” approach may not be adapted to all situations.

Unfortunately the title is not particularly inviting to read for men. I wish sometimes she’s make it a little smarter as Robin Norwood did. I found it easier to see myself as a woman who love too much rather than a co-dependent, especially when I knew nothing about it and my sense of self-worth was down to my knees.

Why would you read this book?

- As a man, you have been left multiple times by women in long term relationships or are at risk of losing your partner currently. I would also recommend Gabor Mate’s work here.
- As a man, you are questionning your behaviour in relationships
- As a woman, you feel disrespected and hurt by the behaviour of your partner, co-worker or family member

[edited]

'Detaching with Love

Sometimes people we love do things we don’t like or approve of. We react. They react. Before long, we’re all reacting to each other, and the problem escalates.

When do we detach? When we’re hooked into a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, or shame. When we get hooked into a power play – an attempt to control or force others to do something they don’t want to do. When the way we’re reacting isn’t helping the other person or solving the problem. When the way we’re reacting is hurting us.

Often, it’s time to detach when detachment appears to be the least likely, or possible, thing to do.

The first step toward detachment is understanding that reacting and controlling don’t help. The next step is getting peaceful – getting centered and restoring our balance.

Take a walk. Leave the room. Go to a meeting. Take a long, hot bath. Call a friend. Call on God. Breathe deeply. Find peace. From that place of peace and centering will emerge an answer, a solution.

Today, I will surrender and trust that the answer is near.'

By Melodie Beattie

Relationships

"Adult children intuitively link up with other adult children in relationships and social settings." BRB p. 13 

No matter how much we told ourselves that we wouldn't repeat the patterns of our parents, most of us reached adulthood and found ourselves inevitably attracted to others who came from similar backgrounds. It was like we could see each other in the dark, like we had some type of special radar. This didn't just happen by accident. It was a well-established pattern that we saw all around us in childhood.

Through it all, we found ourselves clinging to the fairy tale that one day we would find Mister or Miss Right and we would magically live happily ever after. But we kept meeting the "wrong" ones. Our dysfunctional coping behaviors only allowed us to relate well to certain people.

When we finally saw the writing on the wall, that things were not going to change unless we found the courage to change ourselves, we were lucky enough to get to an ACA meeting. There we found others like ourselves, but these others were doing the work to dig out from under their messy lives. As we listened to what they had learned, we became willing to make the journey that would require us to be truly honest with ourselves, perhaps for the first time. This journey will take us to where we are entitled to be - happy, joyous and free.

On this day I will have the courage to make the changes in my life that will make me whole. I will reach out and I know someone will be there.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №304

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2OA%3D%3D

I have an ex that I've broken up with & gotten back with at least 10 times in the last 4 years. We've been apart for a while now, and its like, the memories of getting when we get back together after a separation are so strong. It always feels so intense, and like we were suffering being apart. All of the promises to change & really do better the next time get made. I feel so intensely seen and loved and understood. Then after a few weeks to months, I'm back to feeling empty & emotionally abandoned. Its like I'm the only one fighting to make our relationship work, and to help him improve his life, or to get him to care about me again. When I stop caring & start to detach he gets nervous & tries to shower me with compliments that feel empty & unimaginative. Its the same lines every time.

I'm so tired of this cycle, and I know I need to be alone. But I also miss him & wish I could have a relationship with the guy that he is whenever we get back together. He's so amazing for that brief period of time that I want to believe thats his true self. I swear the potential of him maybe keeping his promises & being the man I want him to be is like an addictive rush that I just keep compulsively wanting to take a gamble on.

When we very back together, it's like I feel so wrapped in daylight and warmth. Our thinking patterns seem to sync up, and intellectually I feel so stimulated. Looking back, now I think he just mirrors whatever I say.

just a vent post ig

got new friends after cutting the old ones off because we were codependent and they made me feel guilty for setting any boundary. i really trusted the new ones to be able to be real friends but the red flags were there from the start. i KNEW it. but i still fucking thrust myself into the relationships because the desire to be saved and loved perfectly was too strong

i know the reason i became friends with them was because we implicitly made the promise to save each other. i know its because we were more alike than not. thats what makes me feel even worse. i knew it was gonna be codependent, i knew it was gonna be fucked up, and thats exactly what i wanted. i feel like i just cant live without it

makes me wonder if im ever gonna be able to change or if im just too scared

Sometimes, you can get so used to keeping other people happy that you barely notice how often you put your own needs aside. You agree to things you don't want to do, worry when someone is upset with you, or feel like it's your job to fix things whenever there's tension

This contacts with a discussion about why some of us say yes when we actually want to say no. It exploits how difficult it can be to put your own needs first when you're used to avoid conflict or distressing others. You can care about someone without taking responsibility for everyone

For those who have been working through convenience, what has helped you stop automatically putting other people's needs first?

'Our Good Points

What’s a codependent? The answer’s easy. They’re some of the most loving, caring people I know.

—Beyond Codependency

We don’t need to limit an inventory of ourselves to the negatives. Focusing only on what’s wrong is a core issue in our codependency.

Honestly, fearlessly, ask: “What’s right with me? What are my good points?”

“Am I a loving, caring, nurturing person?” We may have neglected to love ourselves in the process of caring for others, but nurturing is an asset.

“Is there something I do particularly well?” “Do I have a strong faith?” “Am I good at being there for others?” “Am I good as part of a team, or as a leader?” “Do I have a way with words or with emotions?”

“Do I have a sense of humor?” “Do I brighten people up?” “Am I good at comforting others?” “Do I have an ability to make something good out of barely nothing at all?” “Do I see the best in people?”

These are character assets. We may have gone to an extreme with these, but that’s okay. We are now on our way to finding balance.

Recovery is not about eliminating our personality. Recovery aims at changing, accepting, working around, or transforming our negatives, and building on our positives. We all have assets; we only need to focus on them, empower them, and draw them out in ourselves.

Codependents are some of the most loving, caring people around. Now, we’re learning to give some of that concern and nurturing to ourselves.

Today, I will focus on what’s right about me. I will give myself some of the caring I’ve extended to the world.'

By Melodie Beattie

I was living in a haunted house but was so blind to it. Like I was just hypnotized for 2.5 years. I put up with so. much. fucking. bullshit. Day after day. Your addictions. Your dysregulation. Your trauma. Your irresponsibility. Your selfishness. Your callousness. Stonewalling. Manipulation. DARVO. You were fucking poison. But you knew just when to add sugar to distract me from the pain. You always knew exactly when I was starting to boil before turning the burner down. I let you have complete control of me, and I was completely addicted to you. All of your drama. All of your whimsy. You kept me entertained. You kept me on eggshells. You kept me on a leash. All while looking sexy as fuck. 

Your shit is just burned in my brain now. I look for biceps and jawlines and tattoos and shoulder length hair. I see little glimpses of you in people all the time. It's infuriating. You haunt me. You, my captor. Holding my safety and sanity for ransom. I still masturbate to you. You imprinted shit on my psyche.

I have so much anger inside me, and it's all been suppressed. That is why I have been depressed. Because I wanted to egg your car. I wanted to let the air out of your tires. I wanted to tell your parents what a piece of shit you are. 

It doesn't matter that I tell myself I'm safe. I'm like an abused animal cowering after the earthquake has stopped. I am shook. 

Fuck.

The manipulation. The cycles that never ended. We basically had major conflict every week and a half. Three weeks was our record. Not even a full month without some major breakdown. 

So I became a junkie.

Just one more hit. Just one more high. Just fill my veins with that sigh of relief that we're friends again. That we're in love again. That you love me. That I'm safe now. 

Rinse and repeat.

For 2.5 years.

We were together roughly 116 weeks.

116 hits of dopamine, oxytocin, cortisol.

That's why I couldn't break free.

I was just an addict. 

You were so fucking horrible to me. You just seethed with anger and negativity. And then I tried to rescue you. I tried to fawn. I tried to cater to you and be tender with this pile of misery. Just anything to get back on your good side. I would feel this piercing pain in my chest, devastation and feeling overwhelmed and trapped, like my body was yelling run but my chest was screaming shut up. My body was at war with my mind. I wanted to run away, but my mind told me to stay. 116 times.

I had tried to end it two other times. I could scarcely go a week before texting you again. My body screamed for your affection. "I need a hit...baby give me it. You're dangerous, I'm loving it. With a taste of your lips, I'm on a ride. You're toxic, I'm slipping under. The taste of a poison paradise. I'm addicted to you, don't you know that you're toxic?

Way to romanticize trauma bonds, Britney. Thanks. Just what a 14 year old girl needed to learn: how to be comfortable with abuse.

You could never get your shit together. A 42 year old man incapable of saving money, living in his parents' basement. And you were so good at playing the underdog. Like Brando, you could'a been a contender. And you had those biceps to pull me in with. You pulled me into your insanity. Your batshit way in which you see the world. You saw yourself as a tortured, benevolent savior and I, the self-sabateur, the one who just wouldn't let our love happen; your persecutor. 

I bought you clothes. I reminded you when to take your medication. I cooked for you. I cleaned up after you. I helped you organize your fucking giant backpack that you take everywhere because you're so fucking dysfunctional. You had a giant satchel of all these things you might need at all times. Medications. Weed gummies. Inhalers. Energy drinks. Water. You needed. so. fucking. much. just to exist. just to function. just to be out in the world. It was your oxygen tank of vices. This massive rucksack full of quick fixes lugged around by a tramp clown. I almost forgot the cigarettes. Every 15 minutes. Impossible to have a meaningful conversation without you requiring a cigarette break. And how I became addicted to them too (and still am). We had our best conversations when we were smoking. I sat on your lap -- oh, how tender and sweet, even though one of us was mad at each other. See, we’ll make the dysfunction comfortable. Let's take this misery and put a bow on it. Take this heaping spoonful of bullshit and cover it with sprinkles. Open wide, it's time for your illusion now. It's time for your body to want to run away but feel tethered to your hunk's lap. Who wouldn't melt sitting in a firefighter's lap? He's huge, you're small, he's strong, and...well, you are too, but gee you love feeling like a little girl; and you wanted to be a good little girl. Please daddy and his temper tantrums. Buy daddy cigarettes when he's too broke. Pay for your meals out because he was too poor to contribute. Never wanted to leave the house. Never wanted to take his car because it didn't have air conditioning or it was too messy or he was out of gas. So you drove you two everywhere.

"Did you take your pill?"

"Do you need more Adderall?"

"Did you drink water?"

"Do you need a protein bar?"

Where are my smokes? Where the fuck is my phone? Do I have my keys?

Holy fuck, you were a giant, helpless baby. ADHD, fine. I don't want to demonize that mental illness. I am not without my mental illnesses. But with him, it was just another way to control me. His incompetence was able to hide under the "ADHD." If I had a dollar for every fucking time he said "I have AdHd" (that is how he pronounced it. Emphasis on the H. Like it was in high definition - H D. Aye dee H dee. Aye dee H dee." So it wasn't your fault. So that's why it was okay to put it on me. To have everything come to a screeching halt and a sudden search party for your fucking cigarettes or your edibles or your phone. Jesus fucking christ. 

OH NO, I DIDN'T LIKE A RESTAURANT YOU PICKED ONE TIME 2 YEARS AGO. YOU SHOULD NEVER PUT IN ANY EFFORT EVER AGAIN. 

For the first three months, you were the perfect man. I fell madly in love with you and couldn't believe you were real. You understood me. I understood you. We both thought we were so hot. I had never been with anyone hot before. Holy fucking shit. To share a bed with a hot person. But that bed was heated with gaslight. And then you took off the mask.

I broke up with you for the third time seven months ago. I feel worse now than I did 3 months in. What the fuck is that? I'm tired of pushing this rock up this boulder. If it rolls down again, I'm going to kill myself. I can't fucking push this boulder of pain anymore. It has taken over my life. I cannot function. It is everything. It is always there, when I wake up and when I go to bed. This giant fucking bolder of heartbreak and horror. I wanted it to work. I wanted you to improve. I wanted you to stop needing me. I wanted you to fucking take care of me and provide for me. To be a fucking adult man. With a job. With savings. With a future.

Your future is in your parents' basement, you fucking giant child. 

If age was based on maturity, that was statutory rape.  I raped a 15 year old boy in the body of a 42 year old man. This was Lindsay Lohan in Jamie Lee Curtis' body, except it was stuck forever. If they were men.

You giant fucking child.

Wake up to your dysfunction, widdle baby. It's fucking horrifying.

You will never get your shit together because even daily life is a massive struggle. You can't even get through a day, let alone plan your future. You are on a hamster wheel -- you might think you're making progress, but you are going nowhere.

Stuck in your parents' basement. Going nowhere.

What the fuck was I thinking? Why the fuck did I think this was normal? 

Because he was Marlon Brando. He could'a been a contender.

That's a sexy fucking archetype. The underdog. The goth boy. The musician. So talented, so full of potential, if only the world could see. 

Kept me on a leash. Jealousy is like wearing an electric collar. You better not fucking dare make him feel insecure. Don't you fucking ever make him jealous. Or you'll feel his silence. You'll feel his daggers of shame. And because HE sleeps until 3pm on weekends, you get to writhe in agony waiting to hear from him. Is he mad at me? Is he ignoring me? You won't make plans because you're waiting for him to wake up. You don't want to upset him by existing without him. No, you're on call, missy. You don't know when daddy is waking up. So you keep tiptoing around those landmines, k?

You were jealous of everyone. Didn't want me to go to raves without you or see male doctors after my car accident. Possessive. You were messy. You had the bedroom of a 15 year old boy. Moldy dishes piled up. Laundry unfolded in a basket. A moving box for a trashcan. Everything you owned smelled like cat piss.

You're just a turd of a person. I can't believe all the shit I put up with.

But oh, you made me laugh. So hard. 

He wanted to fuck me from every angle. Like c’mon. Oh, to be under the spell of a sex wizard.

I never understood why people put music on for sex until him. It's everything. It sets a mood. It sets a beat for him to thrust by. It's part of the experience. I was completely entranced and came my brains out.

But then the number of times I wasn't enjoying sex but pretended I was. The times I felt dry but didn't want to keep you from cumming so I said nothing. How uncomfortable I was having the tiny needle stubbles of hair on your stomach stabbing me in the face while I sucked your cock. I couldn't say anything. I had to just endure dozens of little pinpricks in my face and pretend to be enjoying it. God forbid I bruise your ego. Your tiny, delicate little orchid of an ego. Don't breathe on it wrong, the petals will fall off. You lied about your dick size and then gaslit me, then tried to make me feel bad. Dude. You're a grown fucking man. How are you so fragile?

Oh right. Because inside that 42 year old man is a 15 year old boy, and inside that 15 year old boy is a 5 year old with night terrors who can't get the attention he needs. A Russian nesting doll of fragility. Oh but it's not the fragile person's fault they're fragile, no. It's your fault for not handling them correctly. It's your fault for not being hypervigilant long enough to prevent yourself from accidentally triggering him. You mentioned your ex boyfriend -- you may as well have told him you just drowned his cat in a bathtub. That shit was palpable. You could feel his energy shift, the whole room got tighter, you were a deer in the headlights, terrified for your life. There goes the entire night. Because you triggered him. 

Even though you really hurt me, I can't get over you. And after seeing who's out there, it feels like I never will. I still masturbate to memories of us. No one else is attractive. I act extra weird around new guys as a way of testing them – like, let me know now if you’re going to disappoint me. Let me know now if you can handle me. Because I’ve been abused. Buckle up, gentlemen, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

I wasn't like this before. I was sweet and funny and charming. I guess she's still in there. But right now I'm like a barking dog. Stay. the fuck. away from me.

Men drive us insane, then call us crazy. 

I legitimately feel the most fucked up I ever have in my life. I’ve had derealization for a long time, but it’s so bad now; I think it would terrify a regular person to experience everything in such a deep dream state. But here I am, trying to function, trying to get on with my life, trying to make progress and good decisions. Deeply nihilistic in a grad program with chronic fatigue. Life is a nightmare.

There is so much I've held inside for so long. So much fucking pain.

I want to be healed without the boulder tumbling down the mountain again. I don't have it in me to keep pushing it anymore. I want to feel like myself again. Why am I doing so much worse now than I was months ago?

I wrote this stoned; may edit later. If I can’t share this with him, I’ll share it with the world. No TL;DR. No edits. This is my life. And I’m tired of suffering in silence.

I am in a relationship and my bf and I noticed that we are codependant: Me: "i want to get rescued"; Him: "She needs to get rescued" How did you deal with this pattern in relationships before, or what kinds of help did you hear about this topic before? I'd love your help, since I want to improve myself. Thanks a lot

"Recovery takes effort." BRB p. 50 

A Higher Power provides food for all the birds on earth but doesn't put it in their mouths.

It would be nice to just sit in the rooms of recovery and let the program sink in by osmosis without having to work at it. Some of us have tried this, a few for many years, and wondered why we were not experiencing much change. We may be substance-free but we continue to have emotional chaos and dysfunction in our lives and in our heads.

Eventually, if we're lucky, it will dawn on us that, try as we might, change will not happen without significant effort on our part. And we need the program, our fellow travelers, and most of all our Higher Power. If we're stalled, we open our minds and hearts to see what works for others. Maybe the same thing will work for us.

We've been continuously told that recovery takes effort. And as we do the work, we realize that recovery does not bring the absence of storms, but it gives us a much needed umbrella we never had before.

On this day I will leave "the nest" and do the work necessary for the recovery that will change my life.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №303

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2Nw%3D%3D

So my schedule is pretty crazy I’m not able to find online meetings but I’d like to find a community with others that also are working through thier codependent issues. Is there an active discord group?