I am so, so exhausted. My 44 year old husband has stage 4 gastric cancer and just had his first treatment (chemo
and immunotherapy on Thursday). We have to travel 2.5 hrs away for his treatment. Our kids (5 and 13) stayed with my parents (who are 73 and 81, so it’s a lot for them). Night before treatment, I got hardly any sleep because husband was up and down with a cough he’s had for 3 weeks and pain all night—probably also nerves. After his treatment, we went back to the apartment we were staying in (a friend has it for work but barely uses it so was letting us stay there). I said I have to take a nap before we drive home, it would not have been safe for me to drive with so little sleep. So, I napped. And when I woke up, husband had a fever. The on-call line said we had to go to the ER. They gave him IV antibiotics, did a chest x-ray, tons of bloodwork, and then discharged him with another abx prescription. We got back to apartment at 3 am and I got 4 hours of sleep. Next morning, I had to drive hour-long round trip to get abx from pharmacy because of big city rush hour. Got back to apartment and husband tried to help me clean up, but he got super fatigued, so I finished cleaning and packing. Then I drove us home, which took 3 hours due to traffic. I told him I had to sleep in our daughter’s room because I needed a solid 8-hrs sleep and knew his coughing and tossing/turning wouldn’t allow that. I’m like the mom of a newborn who wakes up to any movement or sound and has to check everything is ok. Finally got a good night’s sleep.

Now, it’s Saturday and we are just bumming at home with the kids. Husband is constipated from his pain meds and Zofran (despite days of Colace and Senna) and was getting so uncomfortable, he actually asked for an enema (which he has been totally opposed to until now). I gave it to him, and he was able to go, but he got feces on the floor and then forgot to close the toilet seat when flushing. For anyone lucky enough not to know, body fluids have to be treated as toxic for 72 hours after chemo, and flushing aerosolizes whatever is in the toilet). We only have one bathroom. So, following the instructions from his nurse, I donned gloves and a mask and washed the entire bathroom down with soap and water. Had to throw away all the toothbrushes and son’s hair products because they were all out when he flushed. Finally finished cleaning, put a load of laundry in, and sat down to have a sparkling water. Meanwhile, son is playing his trumpet and daughter is playing her keyboard in the living room with the TV on too, plus they’re bickering. I just lost it and broke down crying.

She won’t tell me much else other than that. That there’s a cancerous tumor they found within her stomach. She’s already had surgery. I don’t know what to do. I’m at a fucking loss, man. What can I do? What should I do? Please help me.

My mother has breast cancer, she’s had it for maybe 4-5yrs now, but had a lumpectomy maybe 2 years ago.

Shes 71, and honestly I’m surprised she’s still alive as she’s been dealing with health issues for a long time, and her mobility is so limited, and she’s not willing to make the changes she needs to to have a better life (dietary, movement, therapy etc)

The cancer has returned and is spreading. i don’t know what type it is exactly or what classification, just that it’s back.

Her doctor has given her 3 recommendations

Another lumpectomy with either chemotherapy or radiation therapy (I’m not certain)

A mastectomy

Or, and he said this ”do nothing and you’ll die of cancer”

I think the reason he said the last thing is because my mom is basically adverse to treatment.

Shes so scared of everything, I don’t know if it’s OCD or what, but she’s always terrified of everything that can go wrong.
Like for example, I live in a different state and once when we were experiencing a heatwave she asked what our plans were, and I told her we were gonna go up into the mountains ( a 20 minute drive where it’s 20 degrees cooler) and she had a conniption, she was talking about what happens if our car breaks down and basically said I wasn’t allowed to do it etc.

I don’t meant downplay the fears and concerns around her diagnosis and treatment but she has extreme anxiety and worry, shes just so worried about everything that goes wrong and she lets it control her life

She’s been adverse to chemo or radiation because she’s read so many horror stories about people like losing their bone mass and being unable to walk or something, and she doesn’t want to be sick for the remaining years of her life- which I understand but I wonder if the treatment isn’t as bad as she is making it out to be. Not to say that it isn’t bad but maybe the things shes focusing on are the extreme and rare cases.

She also keeps making excuses about the logistics of getting treatment. She would have to go 5 days a week and she says she “has no one to take me”. Meanwhile she has 4 daughters and 10 grandkids in the area who can help her, some of whom could stay with her day and night to help take care of her. But she’s acting as if no one is available.

As far as her treatment goes, her doctor has recommended a mastectomy, because he knows she won’t pursue any treatment so it’s the best course of action to just remove the breast.

I know she doesn’t want to get the mastectomy because she thinks she’ll get a STAPH infection or something. And not that this isn’t a legitimate concern, it does happen, it’s just that’s the first place her mind goes to.

and of course there has to be some incredible fears and concerns around willingly giving up a part of yourself- that part I certainly understand, I mean I can’t even imagine being in the position of having to consider giving up some part of myself.

So she is set on getting a lumpectomy and not pursuing any further treatment (like chemo or radiation). She thinks “oh I’ll just get a lumpectomy every couple of years“

Personally I think she’s making a mistake by pursuing only a lumpectomy with no other treatment. My concern is she’s giving the disease a chance to progress and spread to other tissue.

I feel conflicted because I don’t want to try and pressure her or persuade her to do something she doesn’t want to but I believe she is letting her fears and worries cloud her decision making when from what I understand is that this cancer is pretty easily treatable and, if she chooses to basically do nothing, at some point it wont be and it’ll be too late.

i think what’s worse is i inow there’s nothing I can say. I know that her mind is made up, she won’t consider that she has family who could help her if she needed it, she has decided no one is available. She has decided if she goes for an operation she will get staph and die etc.

i don’t know, I guess I’m just looking for some advice because my siblings are expecting me to ”talk some sense into her” and Im struggling being there and supporting her completely and my own selfish desires of wanting her to he alive.

I decided to go on a Leave of Absence because of burn out over the course of a few months. I was doing a shift and by the end of the night, I called it and said I am done. For context I am a production supervisor (50 union employees, 2 forepersons, and a partner supervisor). How is this relevant? That’s what I am trying to figure out 😮‍💨.

Last year in march my wife and my mother were both diagnosed with some form of cancer. My wife breast cancer (our daughter was just two month old). Fast track a month later my mother passes away from complications due to the cancer. Fortunately my wife’s diagnosis had a good outcome, double mastectomy, chemo and radiation.

Fast track to today I guess I have been just in a firefighting mode from being off taking care of my wife and two kids (with family support), and then after radiation going back to work. The transition for me back to work was rocky but manageable.

I think what led to the burnout was the I did not separate work from home…being rotating shift work it was hard to settle from the plant and then have the normal fun of raising toddlers (the melt downs, the laughs, and the parents being tired).

I’m not looking for sympathy but I’ve been off of work now for three weeks…I am seeing a therapist twice a week, focusing on two aspects 1. The grief of what happened with my mother and wife 2. The emotions I guess that triggered the responsibilities associated with being a supervisor.

I know now it was the right call to make and my family is supportive but I still have the guilt of not working, providing the income to the family and moving forward. My wife is working part time (until she is ready to do normal hours) and I am on EI.

I guess for me I just feel guilty and a bit lost with what I should do next as a change or a new careers. They say burn out is associated with culture and lack of a support, and I know there some leadership aspects I need to
Work on. I just don’t know when the time is right to start working again but also how to pivot my career to something else. In southwestern Ontario the job market is variable, so that’s what makes me nervous.

I am getting way better sleep, and a much better routine and being present with my kids…I have started working out again, which is what I was lacking.

Not sure if anyone can relate, I just don’t have an outlet other than my therapist.

Thanks.

For context I am the 35 and my wife is 33, we have two kids under 3.

How do I cope without being selfish? How do I stay strong for him while being so sad? We talked about moving in the fall so I could pursue an advanced degree that I’m currently studying a lot for. We talked about having a child. But now it feels like it’s not a good time to quit my stable job because he may need to quit his job and we’d need to put him on my insurance. We are still waiting on information so I know there’s not much to do right now, but I have anxiety and I feel like I’m spiraling. It’s hard not to feel like, do I stop all my studying because now I have to put my dream on pause? But then I feel selfish having that thought. Would love any words of encouragement or support or advice anyone can provide ♥️

Note: we’ve been together 5 years, married for 2 months