She won’t tell me much else other than that. That there’s a cancerous tumor they found within her stomach. She’s already had surgery. I don’t know what to do. I’m at a fucking loss, man. What can I do? What should I do? Please help me.

My mother has breast cancer, she’s had it for maybe 4-5yrs now, but had a lumpectomy maybe 2 years ago.

Shes 71, and honestly I’m surprised she’s still alive as she’s been dealing with health issues for a long time, and her mobility is so limited, and she’s not willing to make the changes she needs to to have a better life (dietary, movement, therapy etc)

The cancer has returned and is spreading. i don’t know what type it is exactly or what classification, just that it’s back.

Her doctor has given her 3 recommendations

Another lumpectomy with either chemotherapy or radiation therapy (I’m not certain)

A mastectomy

Or, and he said this ”do nothing and you’ll die of cancer”

I think the reason he said the last thing is because my mom is basically adverse to treatment.

Shes so scared of everything, I don’t know if it’s OCD or what, but she’s always terrified of everything that can go wrong.
Like for example, I live in a different state and once when we were experiencing a heatwave she asked what our plans were, and I told her we were gonna go up into the mountains ( a 20 minute drive where it’s 20 degrees cooler) and she had a conniption, she was talking about what happens if our car breaks down and basically said I wasn’t allowed to do it etc.

I don’t meant downplay the fears and concerns around her diagnosis and treatment but she has extreme anxiety and worry, shes just so worried about everything that goes wrong and she lets it control her life

She’s been adverse to chemo or radiation because she’s read so many horror stories about people like losing their bone mass and being unable to walk or something, and she doesn’t want to be sick for the remaining years of her life- which I understand but I wonder if the treatment isn’t as bad as she is making it out to be. Not to say that it isn’t bad but maybe the things shes focusing on are the extreme and rare cases.

She also keeps making excuses about the logistics of getting treatment. She would have to go 5 days a week and she says she “has no one to take me”. Meanwhile she has 4 daughters and 10 grandkids in the area who can help her, some of whom could stay with her day and night to help take care of her. But she’s acting as if no one is available.

As far as her treatment goes, her doctor has recommended a mastectomy, because he knows she won’t pursue any treatment so it’s the best course of action to just remove the breast.

I know she doesn’t want to get the mastectomy because she thinks she’ll get a STAPH infection or something. And not that this isn’t a legitimate concern, it does happen, it’s just that’s the first place her mind goes to.

and of course there has to be some incredible fears and concerns around willingly giving up a part of yourself- that part I certainly understand, I mean I can’t even imagine being in the position of having to consider giving up some part of myself.

So she is set on getting a lumpectomy and not pursuing any further treatment (like chemo or radiation). She thinks “oh I’ll just get a lumpectomy every couple of years“

Personally I think she’s making a mistake by pursuing only a lumpectomy with no other treatment. My concern is she’s giving the disease a chance to progress and spread to other tissue.

I feel conflicted because I don’t want to try and pressure her or persuade her to do something she doesn’t want to but I believe she is letting her fears and worries cloud her decision making when from what I understand is that this cancer is pretty easily treatable and, if she chooses to basically do nothing, at some point it wont be and it’ll be too late.

i think what’s worse is i inow there’s nothing I can say. I know that her mind is made up, she won’t consider that she has family who could help her if she needed it, she has decided no one is available. She has decided if she goes for an operation she will get staph and die etc.

i don’t know, I guess I’m just looking for some advice because my siblings are expecting me to ”talk some sense into her” and Im struggling being there and supporting her completely and my own selfish desires of wanting her to he alive.

I am so, so exhausted. My 44 year old husband has stage 4 gastric cancer and just had his first treatment (chemo
and immunotherapy on Thursday). We have to travel 2.5 hrs away for his treatment. Our kids (5 and 13) stayed with my parents (who are 73 and 81, so it’s a lot for them). Night before treatment, I got hardly any sleep because husband was up and down with a cough he’s had for 3 weeks and pain all night—probably also nerves. After his treatment, we went back to the apartment we were staying in (a friend has it for work but barely uses it so was letting us stay there). I said I have to take a nap before we drive home, it would not have been safe for me to drive with so little sleep. So, I napped. And when I woke up, husband had a fever. The on-call line said we had to go to the ER. They gave him IV antibiotics, did a chest x-ray, tons of bloodwork, and then discharged him with another abx prescription. We got back to apartment at 3 am and I got 4 hours of sleep. Next morning, I had to drive hour-long round trip to get abx from pharmacy because of big city rush hour. Got back to apartment and husband tried to help me clean up, but he got super fatigued, so I finished cleaning and packing. Then I drove us home, which took 3 hours due to traffic. I told him I had to sleep in our daughter’s room because I needed a solid 8-hrs sleep and knew his coughing and tossing/turning wouldn’t allow that. I’m like the mom of a newborn who wakes up to any movement or sound and has to check everything is ok. Finally got a good night’s sleep.

Now, it’s Saturday and we are just bumming at home with the kids. Husband is constipated from his pain meds and Zofran (despite days of Colace and Senna) and was getting so uncomfortable, he actually asked for an enema (which he has been totally opposed to until now). I gave it to him, and he was able to go, but he got feces on the floor and then forgot to close the toilet seat when flushing. For anyone lucky enough not to know, body fluids have to be treated as toxic for 72 hours after chemo, and flushing aerosolizes whatever is in the toilet). We only have one bathroom. So, following the instructions from his nurse, I donned gloves and a mask and washed the entire bathroom down with soap and water. Had to throw away all the toothbrushes and son’s hair products because they were all out when he flushed. Finally finished cleaning, put a load of laundry in, and sat down to have a sparkling water. Meanwhile, son is playing his trumpet and daughter is playing her keyboard in the living room with the TV on too, plus they’re bickering. I just lost it and broke down crying.

How do I cope without being selfish? How do I stay strong for him while being so sad? We talked about moving in the fall so I could pursue an advanced degree that I’m currently studying a lot for. We talked about having a child. But now it feels like it’s not a good time to quit my stable job because he may need to quit his job and we’d need to put him on my insurance. We are still waiting on information so I know there’s not much to do right now, but I have anxiety and I feel like I’m spiraling. It’s hard not to feel like, do I stop all my studying because now I have to put my dream on pause? But then I feel selfish having that thought. Would love any words of encouragement or support or advice anyone can provide ♥️

Note: we’ve been together 5 years, married for 2 months

I decided to go on a Leave of Absence because of burn out over the course of a few months. I was doing a shift and by the end of the night, I called it and said I am done. For context I am a production supervisor (50 union employees, 2 forepersons, and a partner supervisor). How is this relevant? That’s what I am trying to figure out 😮‍💨.

Last year in march my wife and my mother were both diagnosed with some form of cancer. My wife breast cancer (our daughter was just two month old). Fast track a month later my mother passes away from complications due to the cancer. Fortunately my wife’s diagnosis had a good outcome, double mastectomy, chemo and radiation.

Fast track to today I guess I have been just in a firefighting mode from being off taking care of my wife and two kids (with family support), and then after radiation going back to work. The transition for me back to work was rocky but manageable.

I think what led to the burnout was the I did not separate work from home…being rotating shift work it was hard to settle from the plant and then have the normal fun of raising toddlers (the melt downs, the laughs, and the parents being tired).

I’m not looking for sympathy but I’ve been off of work now for three weeks…I am seeing a therapist twice a week, focusing on two aspects 1. The grief of what happened with my mother and wife 2. The emotions I guess that triggered the responsibilities associated with being a supervisor.

I know now it was the right call to make and my family is supportive but I still have the guilt of not working, providing the income to the family and moving forward. My wife is working part time (until she is ready to do normal hours) and I am on EI.

I guess for me I just feel guilty and a bit lost with what I should do next as a change or a new careers. They say burn out is associated with culture and lack of a support, and I know there some leadership aspects I need to
Work on. I just don’t know when the time is right to start working again but also how to pivot my career to something else. In southwestern Ontario the job market is variable, so that’s what makes me nervous.

I am getting way better sleep, and a much better routine and being present with my kids…I have started working out again, which is what I was lacking.

Not sure if anyone can relate, I just don’t have an outlet other than my therapist.

Thanks.

For context I am the 35 and my wife is 33, we have two kids under 3.

I found this sub and the posts are really helpful thank you

My sister

I found out from my dad yesterday my sister’s f26 cancer is “totally inoperable and they are taking her off chemo (which is a small blessing she was in a ton of pain) and putting her on hospice. He said it could be 6 months or it could be years but she is not going to beat it

I have never been hit this hard before. She has two beautiful kids and I am their uncle and we are very bonded. I can’t stop thinking about them and how this will change their lives forever. I just really don’t want it for them.

I’m sad my sister never gets to grow old and that so much of her life (4years) was spent in this battle. It’s such fucking bull$#!%

I cry like I have food poisoning, it just comes up and I can’t stop it. Then I’m fine, then here it comes again.

I just feel so sad for her and I don’t know how we are gonna get through this.

Hi. My MIL was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal adenocarcinoma 30 days ago. Here are the locations of cancer that I'm aware of... colon, lung, kidneys, liver, spine, legs, and vagina. She did 10 rounds of radiation in an attempt to shrink the spinal tumor for comfort. Other than that, she has decided not to do treatment. She is at home on hospice with a picc line for dilaudid and a colostomy bag due to tumors blocking her rectum.

I'm reaching out here because I'm struggling pretty hard, as is my husband. What is adding to the difficulty is our struggle to understand what to expect going forward. My in-laws are much different than my family. If this was my mom, I'd have access to her patient portal by now and we would have discussed all details involved and had the important conversations. My in-laws are very avoidant when it comes to strong emotions, scary information, or really any difficult subject matter. So, it's been really hard to get information and we're not wanting to step on toes by talking to the clinicians behind anyone's back.

I know every situation is going to be different, but I am hoping I can at least get a range of timelines that others have experienced. My MIL had a completely clean colonoscopy earlier this year. She started having back pain and GI symptoms in July. She was scheduled to see GI, but went to the ER for back pain in late September before her GI appointments, so this is all very unexpected and her decline has been pretty rapid. I have a 5YO, 3YO, and 6 month old. My 5YO is taking her decline pretty hard and my husband and I are constantly panicked that every moment is the last we'll have with her. I think SOME predictability would be helpful even if it's sometime between 4 days and a year. Just anything at all.

Some more details in case they are relevant... My MIL is 58, an alcoholic, has smoked most of her life, but quit in recent years. She has started smoking again after her diagnosis (I don't blame her). She has no appetite, but will eat tiny amounts when we put food in front of her. She is now basically a skeleton as far as weight goes. She did have 1 brief hallucination 5 days ago, but nothing since. She has dilaudid going through her picc line, is taking zofran, and sometimes takes muscle relaxers.

Can anyone share their experience with a family member that went through something even somewhat similar? I appreciate any insight anyone can provide. Anything you wish you would have known while you were going through this?

My partner and I have been in a relationship for about 8 years. Their mother recently got diagnosed with cancer and she is already going through multiple stages of chemo. I just want to help.

Their family is so wonderful and I can see that they are all really struggling. They don't show it. For the most part, they are all very stoic people. I just feel so lost. I can only imagine what they are going through. I know they feel lost too.

This woman is such a strong caring person and all of her kids look to her with such admiration. I understand why.. and she has been so kind to me as well for all the time I have known her. It feels like these things always happen to the best people.

I want to be a good partner, especially during this. I am doing my best to take care of the cooking, grocery shopping, and cleaning. I try and offer help and ask for updates, but I never want to be too pushy. I know dealing with this is a grieving process all in itself and the last thing I want is to stress anyone out.

The thing that makes this all even harder is I am disabled myself. I seem to get sick every other week which makes me feel so nervous because I don't want to get them or her sick. I have a syndrome that makes it hard for me to even walk sometimes.

I just feel so useless and I really don't want them to feel alone, especially dealing with another sick family member.

I am scared and I know they are too.

What can I do to help? Any and all advice is welcome.

I lost my father to lung cancer 20 days ago. I always thought he would be one of those people in the stories you hear about, the ones who experience a “terminal-stage cancer miracle” and suddenly get better, returning to their old selves. I thought we were special. But we were just ordinary. My father left this world just like everyone else. I don’t know.

My father’s last two months were especially bad. Mentally, he wasn’t the father I used to know anymore. But I miss even that version of him so much. At the same time, I know he was suffering terribly, and we were constantly in and out of the hospital. Seeing a good person suffer so much has destroyed me, especially when so many terrible people get to live their lives in comfort and enjoy themselves.

I prayed so much. I begged. I don’t know. Nothing is really within our control, after all. I haven’t lost my faith in God, but I can’t say I’ve ever truly felt His presence either. Since my only wish is to see my father again after death, I’m also trying to hold on to this faith.

My father has OCD (health related fear) and he has stage 4 adenocarcinoma and adenomyosis. Plus he had a massive heart attack 6 months ago. He is 75. Rude, ill mannered, cancer didn't or couldn't justify his decade long bad behavior.

the oncologist is aware of his temper and the GP too, have up on him that if he thinks he has a problem with his health, that can be age related+cancer issues and no other medicine can fix his problems. Now he does not trust the current doctors. Apparently they misbehaved with him. I don't have any holidays due to his shenanigans and now he wants me to take him to hospital because he has flatulence!

How do I deal with this? I am so tired.

I've just found out my best friends spouse has stage 4 liver, bowel and lung cancer. What I know is that the liver has multiple issues which is the main concern.

They are going back to the hospital next week. It doesn't sound like there is much they can do.

To this end I want to know how I can best support them. I have offered to cook and clean so they can spend time together. They live a few hours away. I've said I will drop everything and stay in a hotel. I don't know how long she has left so I don't want to wait working out what how best to support.

Any additional tips would be appreciated.

Yesterday, my stepfather died of cancer. My heart is broken. He was one of the best people in my life. I love him, I can’t realise this… I don’t know how to go on. Please tell me, how did you cope with the pain?

My bf and I have been together 2.5 years and his mother has been given the unfortunate news that she may have less than a few years or even a few months left to live. The situation has left his entire family shaken and I have never experienced someone close to me get diagnosed with cancer and I feel like I am at a loss of words. The diagnosis came so fast as well and there has been barely any time for him to process what is happening, and on top of that he has a lot of life responsibilities. I want to be there for him but he says he will be too busy between taking care of his mother and with his personal stuff. I have offered to do small things to take off some of his work load but he will not accept it. I don't know what to do and I feel uncomfortable doing nothing, but I also know he has his own preference of receiving support. I try to check in with him as often as I can and offer to do things, but it also seems like he prefers to be with his friends. What can I do in the mean time?

She's 59F suspected lung cancer with brain mets I 30M her sole decision maker and I called it. Shes woke saying that's shes tired already. Dnr and non invasive procedures, currently on palliative care making her feel comfortable.

Hello all.

About a month or two ago my dad had a period of diarrhoea which resolved on its own and was then followed by rapid - and I do mean rapid - weight loss. He was a big and quite broad sort of bloke thanks to his warehouse job, and now he’s skin and bone. He also couldn’t tolerate food, just zero appetite and instant fullness.

Two weeks ago he was sent for a CT scan which found nothing. Despite this, he could still feel a lump in his stomach that was corroborated by a doctor so he was sent for an endoscopy. The endoscopy technician (doctor?) looked a bit grim and said that he could see a lump. It’s considered to be potentially malignant. Four biopsies have been taken, and we have 28 days to see whether or not this lump (38 cm from incisors) is going to be considered cancerous.

So far he’s not having any trouble swallowing and there’s no vomiting. Some fatigue, a lot of weight loss, full feeling, acid reflux are the main symptoms. He thinks he has some back pain but it’s hard to tell.

I don’t know what to do now. All signs seem to indicate late stage oesophageal cancer. I’m despondent. How the hell do you deal with this? What a terrible outcome.

Hey everyone,

I’m trying to find the best help and advice about Lung Cancer for late stage for relative.

The healthcare in Ireland is constantly delayed even when tumor is 10cm large , coughing blood and it causes so much stress when appointments for consultants don’t come until 2 weeks, scans/testong another 2 weeks and treatments for another 2 weeks. It’s truly heartbreaking knowing your life is on the line.

Can I ask people with lung cancer, where have you had treatments done that you would recommend? Which hospital or county in Ireland?

What type of treatments is best?

And any other tips you would give? I’m at a loss of where to start

Thank you for any help you can give 🙏

Hey guys,

My mom is fighting stage 4 cancer, she has an aggressive type.

I know people say to take it day by day and focus on the now, but I just want to ask how?? It's in everything I do, everywhere I look, every conversation I have, every breathe I take, I just want to scream at the top of my lungs because it's all I can think about.

I get so annoyed at the world, that it keeps spinning, I just want it to stop and selfishly I want this to be over and not over at the same time.

Thanks for listening , im sure you all can relate.

Last week Wednesday, my partner of 10 years received a terminal diagnosis & prognosis that is incredibly short. It was a huge shock, as he was completely find just a couple of months ago.

He has a 1 in a million cancer - ACC. He is only in his fifties, and he had beat cancer once before as a teenager - unrelated.

It is insane to me how we ended up at this junction. He is declining every day. Palliative care have been incredible this past week, the consultant comes to visit us every day, nurses call, Physio immediately brought us a hospital bed and all sorts of equipment to make things easier.

Ans mostly - their social worker fought hard for us and arranged an emergency wedding license for us. Monday she came by, Wednesday the consultant sent the letter confirming his terminal and non-mobile diagnosis to the registrar's office - today I went and sorted everything. The license was granted by the registrar general and tomorrow morning they will come to our home to marry us.

Absolutely unbelievable this is necessary - we are planning a celebration for next weekend which he may not live to see as he is declining so fast. He asked that we use it as his funeral if he can't make it as all our loved ones will be together with a nice paid for meal.

He has taken this so much better than I could have imagined and I absolutely can't fathom being married and widowed within a matter of days or weeks.

Life is cruel, Cancer sucks, and nobody deserves this - least of all him. He has been through so much, and has spent his whole life just fighting for animals, people, rights for all and justice for all.

Happy-Sad occasion tomorrow, yet I am grateful we get the chance to do it - other's might not be so lucky.

My father just got diagnosed with cancer, it is stage 4. I can be quite positive and take care of other family members during the day, but at night I struggle to sleep. I start to get scared of waking up to another day not knowing when will be the end of this. I stay up late and cry randomly every night because I don't have time to process this emotionally during the day.

Everyone is telling me to be strong to support other family members coz I am the "most mature" and "strongest" mentally. I don't have the best relationship with my father, and I thought I will be fine. But only when crying uncontrollably at night do I realized how much this is breaking my heart. Instead of looking forward to spending more quality time with him creating more memories it feels like im living with countdown.

Words can't describe how much this feels like a nightmare.

Long story short, my dad has 3-6 months to live,
It is really very hard to cop up that he will not be there, he is the most jolly person you will ever meet, will 10/10 crack a joke at the toughest situations you will ever meet, he does this every single day, but also tells us who to trust and who not to, I never thought we will ever be having these discussions but man it is hard, and it was yesterday when he was telling us all this and my mom interrupted him saying the kids will figure it out you dont need to worry, he is very brave but tears filled his eyes, it is getting really hard for me.

I am a very ambivert person, i rarely open up even with my closest friends but i somehow started drinking everyday and during these weak time i realised how important it is to speak up to people and your friends specially.

I never did, but this time i did, the support you get from ur friends is insane please if anyone is going through this i wish you strength and i will request you to open up, Atleast with your close friends.

All i wanted to ask is what can i do it to make it better, for my dad and my mom, my dad is 49 and i am m25 anything you feel you missed or could have been done better would be a appreciated.

Thanks!

My wife was diagnosed with stage 4, mucinous adenocarcinoma of the appendix in January. we have since learned that she has the signet ring cell variation, which has a 100% rate of recurrence. Her PCI in July was a staggering 34 out of 39. After that, they told us it was inoperable and we moved into palliative care, with chemo continuing for 5 more sessions. We just had another PET scan after that fifth session. We have yet to meet with the doctor to officially discuss the results, but I can read the test result on Kaiser. The cancer is growing in spite of the chemo. She is in increasing pain. Trying to have a bowel movement is approaching excruciating. And she is on Oxy every three hours to keep the pain at bay. How much time do we have left? How much worse will it get for her?

my mom was diagnosed at 57 with stage 4 triple negative breast cancer 2 years ago with lung and skull mets. she didn’t want to spend her time suffering instead of living so she opted for minimal treatment with radiation, surgery, oral chemo so she could still travel and have quality of life. we’re so lucky for all the time we’ve gotten

a few months ago it spread to her brain in two large tumors and has continued to grow on her skull, and we just found out recently it’s in multiple bones as well. she was exhausted after the brain radiation and decided to pause treatment and just live her life. the doctors are recommending brain surgery since the radiation didn’t work but she doesn’t think she’ll survive it and/or it’ll just be recovery after recovery.

the last week she’s finally been able to sleep and while still fatigued, she’s more like herself. she’s only 59 and has a long list of places she wants to travel to. and i want her to see everything, as much as possible, even though i know it’ll never be enough. no doctor seems to care to tell me how risky it is for her to be on a plane with her brain tumors. i’m thinking… yolo?

idk how much longer we have where she’s relatively healthy, im also terrified of the what if’s and what’s to come — i know eventually there will be more pain and complications. one of skull tumors started to be painful to touch a few days ago :/

im torn between let’s just go!! why would we wait at home to die. versus god what if it all goes south. but i think id rather regret going than not going? what if the travel makes her worse

Hi everyone!

My mother (67F) was diagnosed with glioblastoma (grade 4 brain cancer) in September. She underwent a craniotomy surgery early September, during which approximately 80% of the tumour was removed.

She’s currently undergoing radiation therapy and chemotherapy (temozolomide), which will be scheduled to finish early november.

We planned a holiday to Finland before her diagnosis but decided to go on the vacation to relax, also the oncologist and doctor said it’s fine for her to go on a vacation.

Our holiday will be 1 month after her radiation and chemotherapy.

My biggest concern is her fatigue. She often needs an afternoon nap and the cold weather as I’m from a tropical country.

I just want her to have a nice vacation and we will take things slow and taxi everywhere if need be.

Any advice? Has anyone gone on vacation with a cancer patient who suffers from fatigue? Thanks!