I've been divorced for 3 years, and I'm finally ready and willing to get into the dating game. I was previously married to a high school sweetheart, so I've really got no idea what to do/expect. I just slapped this profile together last night.

I'd love a critique; particularly on the photos!

Please take a few moments to read if you frequent this sub.

I've seen many concerning upvoted comments and posts coming from young impressionable men who believe that women are somehow to blame for their lack of attention on these apps.

This post has not been made to invalidate your feelings in anyway. However it has been made to try to change your perception of the issue.

My forever bleeding heart feels the need to make a post addressing this, in the hopes it will change the minds of someone. And be a break in the echochamber of this sub.

Common arguments include, but are not limited to:

1. Women only pick the top 10% of men; Hypergamy

2. Women only like men who are bad for them

3. Women are not giving you a chance

These arguments may seem valid on the surface but once you apply critical thinking they fall apart. Yes, there are women who think like this but the vast, vast majority do not.

One women's opinions doesn't reflect everyone's opinion. And why do you care? You don't want to date a women with this mentality anyway.

There are women out there who are in your league struggling for a quality match too.

For context; I'm in the same situation as many of those in this subreddit. I have been on dating apps for years and feel like I am invisible. However, and this is very important, I do not blame women for the lack of attention.

Whilst it would be easy to give up and/or blame others around me, i choose not to. This is for a few reasons:

1. Women are humans too, crazy ik, they have fears like anyone else. Some people speak like they aren't even human or a different species all together.

2. Empathy, you have to ask yourself what would you do in their perspective. Look at yourself though their eyes. What do you see? Are you being reasonable? Do you have anything to offer?

3. We are not blameless. Ask yourself if you would date you. Is your mentality hard to live with?

4. Experience. I work with women, almost exclusively, listen to and engage with them all day. They face struggles like everyone else.

5. Your target audience. Let's be honest. The apps are about marketing yourself. Appealing to the right person is paramount.

6. They are overwhelmed! I see posts all the time about how they receive unwanted sexual messages without consent. On top, they get hundreds of likes from strangers. How do you think they feel?

The point is that you need to see this less as an issue of man vs women and more on the grounds of understanding. Both sides are hurting.

Unfortunately these things require you to ask yourself hard questions. Which is not the easy route. However it is the right one. We often put barriers in front of ourselves to make things seem impossible.

Modern dating apps are a social testing ground used on developing minds. Using powerful psychological techniques to manipulate people who cannot comprehend the game being played. We are but rats in a maze. Social media needs reform. But i digress.

Making yourself out as a victim and the other party as the enemy is not the right way to look at it. You are both victims, but in different ways.

The solution is not simple. It takes work and self reflection, open-mindedness and awareness. However this isn't a post about solutions. Maybe the comments can help.

That said, general advise is to work on yourself so you have something to be proud to be able to share with a partner. Trying to find a partner should not take president over making a life for yourself. Having a partner isn't as important as you may think (and can be quite restrictive)

Please don't take this post and make me the enemy for pointing flaws. I mearly find the psychology interesting and its a reminder to myself too. I also hope others can also give their insight.

I kindly ask you to be civil in the comments, insults will be ignored and replies need to be reasoned and thought out. Maturity starts from asking questions not assuming the answers. I'm trying to save people years of trying to figure these things out for themselves.

Thanks for reading. Again, I hope this gets though to someone.

The app was obviously failing with the women message first model, women didn't want to take the initiative or face the fear of rejection from the men they wanted.

The stock price tanked, and eventually it was taken private. I can't imagine it really being useful to any guy who signs up for it. At this point it just seems like a way to gather information on people/useful for analytics.

I truly doubt any normal man will find much success on this app like they would on a Hinge or a Grindr, even Tinder although the user base has decreased a ton for Tinder.

Also, any tips on how to actually find women in the real world to date would be super helpful. I don’t like going to clubs or approaching people in pubs who are out with their friends or family as I don’t want to be rude and encroach onto people’s personal time with their loved ones.

Sometimes it feels like the only option is dating apps or getting lucky by bumping into someone I happen to walk past down the street or in town. So any tips or pointers would be awesome! Thanks guys.

Edit: Due to so many comments regarding this issue, I want to explain the 'apolitical' tag on my profile. My intention when saying I am 'apolitical' was to put across the fact that I don't want to be engaging in politics with people I match with before even getting to know them. I don't describe myself as apolitical in general life, only on the dating app. And this is due to an interaction I had with someone who immediately started asking my 'what do you think about _____ and why?' before even getting to know me. I find it exhausting. I am not apolitical in the sense that I have no political stance, and I see now that by putting it on my profile, I'm grossly misrepresenting what I actually believe and stand for. I've said this in some of my replies, but this has been staggeringly eye opening for me. And this post has absolutely been successful from that standpoint. I'm grateful and surprised so many people have taken their time to give their opinions as it's given me a truckload of stuff to think about and reconsider regarding my profile.

Found her social media after matching and realised her dating profile pics are from 5 years ago. She looks pretty different now.

I get that we all have our favourite photos, but 30 to 35 can be a big change.

Would you find this misleading too, or am I making a bigger deal out of it than I should?

Like wtf, I gave a compliment and he called me submissive? Guys, please tell me you dont talk to women like this

Hi !

Discovering this sub for some weeks now and I really enjoy it so first : thanks :)

I'm currently in the reviewing process of my Bumble profile.

I am 29M living in Paris, France. Got into the apps last year with low success. Managed to improve my profile overtime, which led me to several dates and to meet my first girlfriend ever ! :)

Now I'm single again so back on Hinge and Bumble since August. I had quite some matches in September on Hinge so I was happy that my work on my profile was successfull.

But on Bumble it's the complete desert... not a single match nothing. Although it's the same profile as on Hinge :(

So now this week I changed some things (photos are the same) and I wanted to ask you what do you guys think.

I'm French so I translated it with Lens for you guys.

Honestly I'm pretty proud of it. Of course it's not perfect but it's better than what I started with.

What do you think ?

My only "group" photo is the one I posted (which is not in my current Bumble profile) and it's not great tbh. And I don't have a hobby/activity photo. I don't do sport or clubs or stuff like that.

Sorry it's quite long but you have all the details now :) Thanks !

Like the title says: I deleted the bumble app some days ago. After like six months in or so, got tired of the mindless swiping, getting reeled in to pay some more and expired chats.

Had some dates, a short relationship, but no so much. Bumble is not as bad as tinder, but still numbing you down after a while imho. I am not totally date app free yet, just one remaining, on which you can only swipe a little so less addictive.

For those of you who quit bumble sooner, what is your experience after? For now I am already happy with less scrolling. Screen time is reduced to two hours a day again and feeling more mentally awake for it. Also plan to replace bumble with some more offline experiences, like writing, drawing or dancing workshops. Might update later, but curious for others' experiences.

I posted here a few days ago, used the advice people gave me but i still get 0 likes.

Is there anything wrong still, or is it just being a man?

This question probably gets asked frequently but I know the apps update their algorithms regularly and experiences frequently change. I (33M, large US metro) get tons of matches on Hinge. I really have no problem on it. This, plus other indications I don't need to specify, suggest attractiveness and the ability to put a good profile together are not the issue.

However, likes don't always lead to matches, which don't always lead to convos, which don't always lead to dates, so and so forth. I've been off the dating scene for several years so I'm pretty eager to start meeting people again and Hinge is just really kind of dragging. So I downloaded Bumble, and... nothing. Literally nothing. No matches and maybe 1-2 likes in a week. I'm not paying Bumble's exorbitant prices just to see the profile of a like or two.

Yet I hear about people meeting on it all the time. Like, HOW?? Given my experience, coupled with the exact opposite on a similar dating app, it's just inconceivable. I live in what is likely one of Bumble's biggest markets, I'm a solid age, I do well elsewhere, I just don't get it. Are men actually getting likes/matches on here? Men, are you actually having convos/going on dates/hooking up/dating? This has always been my experience on Hinge (positive) and Bumble (negative) and to me it just literally makes no sense.

Does paying for it help? Not to get too angry, but like, what the hell?

Let’s just all relax here and have some fun with this. I know asking this to not turn into a shit fest is probably too much but here goes…

I often swipe left on women who brag about how good they cook something or how they’ll always make their partner a dish and it’s a dish I don’t like. It brings them so much joy to make it that they put it on their profile and I don’t have the heart to date that person just to look her dead in the eyes and say “oh, yeah, about that… I don’t actually like pumpkin pie…”

I exercise regularly, but I’m not particularly good at sports and not into a lot of specific physical activity so if somebody says playing sports together is important, all their photos look super athletic and they’re playing tennis and volleyball and rock climbing I’m like “you’re going to hate that I just pick up heavy things and put them back down but couldn’t get a hit in a batting cage to save my life…”

Anything derogatory about cats is a no for me. I have a cat. If they own large dog breeds known for being aggressive I also pass for the sake of said cat.

Fashion sense. If I look at a profile and think their outfit choices don’t look good or just don’t look good on them I’ll pass.

Anytime they pick the “first round is on me if” prompt and it’s something like “you give me your credit card” or “I would never say this,” even being the kind of guy who always pays unless a woman insists - I still pass. Maybe they’re trying to be funny, maybe I’m judging to harshly, I still do it.

My city has a lot of destinations that are popular for women to take photos at. Like specific wall murals or statues or scenic views, and everytime I see a profile with a photo at one of them it gives me the ick.

When all photos are at very fancy places that seems like somebody else, that somebody else probably being a man, paid for her to be I pass. Every photo is an extremely fancy dress at some Michelin restaurant or a yacht I just think baby girl you are going to try and bankrupt me.

I have eclectic taste in music. I listen to every genre you can probably think of and if I don’t I just haven’t heard it and explored it to find what I like in yet, but that said I’m a music snob and if somebody names specific artists I can’t stand I just think about how I don’t want to spend an entire relationship having to tolerate hearing it and I pass.

That’s enough of them for me I’ll pass the torch. Let’s see all the ridiculous things you folks pass on. 😆

Update-

I added a bio, I really want to be interesting but I’m not! I tried! “I travel all over the UK building massive walls, sometimes secret projects too
I love Formula 1 (I have not missed a race since 2009!) and motorsport in general.
A weird niche hobby I have is robot combat. I competed on a TV show in the USA with a robot elephant with a hammer, we got destroyed…”

I removed “trying to quit” and left it blank. If I match with somebody and it comes up, I’ll explain that I’m giving up vaping subtlety in nicotine strength in order not to shock my body. I used to work in the vape industry and it’s the best way to do it.

I changed the tea line to “Chinese tea from a housemate.” I see why even pointing it out as Chinese tea could be viewed as racist, it’s more-so the association with Chinese medicine (which was the aim with the supplier of it.) One of my comments contains the story of why I put it on there :) I’m sorry for offending anybody.

Photos are a struggle, my friends and I aren’t the sort to take photos of eachother. We should be though, it’s something I should bring up. I did change the final selfie out for another picture that wasn’t selfie, but it’s a little old.

Recently i get a like from a girl and we got matched but she have sended only a 3 or 4 msg only after my reply I didnt get any reply from here 🙃. Should i wait more?

So annoying with only pics of sunglasses and no eyeballs to see!

Also, if you met a woman who you thought had hair and they show up bald, how would you react?

As a female, feels a bit catfishy even though at the same time i fully get it is not at all. But still.

/rant.

Also guys and gals, what other things do you find misleading from the profile transferring to real life experiences?

Yours sincerely,

Autism.

Edit: genuinely more interested in the last question more than my rant 🙃

I've been thinking about the balance between chatting enough to feel comfortable and spending so long messaging that meeting up starts to feel like a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Meet too quickly, and you might feel like you're meeting a complete stranger without much sense of who they are. Message for weeks, and you can build up an idea of someone that doesn't necessarily match the in-person chemistry.

There's also the question of effort. A conversation can be genuinely enjoyable over text but never actually go anywhere, especially when neither person suggests a plan.

I imagine the answer depends on the people involved, but I'm curious how others approach it.

Do you prefer a few good exchanges and then a simple coffee date, a quick phone or video call first, or a longer conversation before committing to meet?

And what usually makes you think, "Okay, I'd actually like to meet this person"?

Curious, I haven't done dating apps yet since my husband passed (over a year ago). Being a young widow, I have no idea how that would be perceived. If you found out someone was widowed, would you automatically assume they were damaged? Or have a hard time with the concept that their last relationship ended while they still loved each other? Jealous that they would be talked about in a positive light? I feel like I will be looked at as a walking red flag that people's friends will tell them to be wary of and just assume that I am gunna be filled with drama. I also don't want to be expected to pretend I wasn't married, respecting that part is also important. I wouldn't be who I am without those 15 years of my life.

I’ve used bumble for some time now, same as tinder. The thing is that on Tinder I get easily 30+ matches a day, on bumble I get 2-3 is that normal? Do you have this ratio too? I have the same pictures in both accounts

I was on bumble BFF a few hours ago, and now its suddenly gone

Bumble&insta

Matched with a guy some days ago and after talking for a couple days he casually mentioned the company I work for. I never told him where I worked so I asked how he knew and he said he just Googled my first name and a few details from my profile. I know people look each other up before dates and I understand wanting to make sure someone is real but something about how casually he brought it up made me uncomfortable.

Now I'm wondering how much information someone can actually find about me with just a name and a few photos. Do you guys normally look up your matches before meeting them? And where do you draw the line between being cautious and invading someone's privacy?

I am definitely not ugly and also not a model. My point is I go on a lot of dates , I don’t have a problem getting dates. But I am not attracting them in person or creating that “spark” for them to text me back and want to see me again.

At first I was the one to reach out after the first date but I noticed the pattern , if the women is not the one to take initiative after the first date , there won’t be a second date.

Well at least in my experience. I was reaching out in the beginning and getting rejected from left and right.

Only one girl reached out by her own initiative asking to go out again but for other reasons it didn’t happen.

Went on a last date a few days ago and tried to take a different method . I tried to set up a second date or at least suggest to see each other in person right there in person after the date ended and I told her “hey we should go out again , I would like that. Text me if that’s something you want”

And she just told me “ ohh yeah you text me”

😂😂 I already know that sounds like a no.

I still need to confirm my theory she’s not interested. But I haven’t texted her. But she has not deleted me from the app so I don’t know

Dude I don’t f get it , i smell good , y try to be fun , y try to flirt just a little but not inappropriate.

My only guess is I am just boring

Is it surgery for the face? Drugs for vibe? Roids and peptides for physique? Tattoos for edginess? High level AI that looks real af and simulates natural authentic vibe and high status in pics without triggering AI alarm bells?

What's the line? How far is too far?