It’s sooooo fucking annoying like just shut up. Am I not allowed to be happy or excited anymore?

Manic me is awful but man, I get some pretty cool tattoos. I don’t regret them somehow. Anyone else have something positive come out of the chaos?

I've been diagnosed for years and have a deep family history of bipolar but i've always been very, very paranoid that I'm faking it or just acting on symptoms that I know are "bipolar" if that makes sense. One thing that makes me feel like perhaps I'm making all of this up is that hypo/mania to me always feels like a desire/urge. There's like a voice in my head asking me if I wanna play the game. To me, it feels more like giving in as opposed to something thats entirely beyond my control. I get this insatiable urge to stay up, deprive myself of nourishment, and just let me thoughts go crazy. I usually have "spiritual awakenings", some of them homestly somewhat reasonable, but they always absolve me of my suffering (depression). I am 1000% without a doubt convinced my depression will never return.

Last depressive episode I had, I could literally feel my brain fall through the cracks. I was driving home from my sisters house and all of the sudden I just felt it. I went home and I quite literally got on my knees and prayed to God if he's there to please not let it be another depressive episode. And then I asbolutely plummeted. Complete suicidal depression. Paranoid, having depressive delusions, etc. Was almost hospitalized but talked myself out of it.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is that my depressive episodes are real. I have the scars to prove that. But maybe my mania is faked because It feels like something I indulge in. Idk. Anyone else? God I hate being crazy

My doctor is trying to decide between bpd/bipolar and both. Currently she thinks bpd is there and bipolar maybe?

I had near full blown psyhotic experience (paranoid fear of paranormal presence and being attacked by that thing).

I told her that but during that time i also had 4 mood swings in 4 months (hypomania 2x and 2 moderate depressions with passive si). She says that its way to frequent for bipolar. But at same time i showed genuine hypomania symptoms 3 times during last year but only one severe depression where i had active SI.

Im happy that my doctor is still not giving up and trying to push for my diagnosis even though i went off meds after last hypomania...

So i want to know how does BPD affect you who have it both?

I would really like to fix myself. I see BPD in myself but nowhere near stereotypical examples. For bipolar, also same thing, i hit hypomania pretty good. Issue is that im sick of myself feeling so down compared to others most of the time and then having period of being normal/productive where i just again repeat the cycle.

But also i have some "depression lifts" during depression. For example i can feel extremely depressed but talking a bit and socialising a bit makes my mood TEMPORARILY lift a bit to almost baseline and as soon as specific topic passes im back to down, especially when alone, just doom scrolling even though i would like to do other stuff (my hobbies and etc), i just cant get myself to do it. I dont know if depression can even represent itself that way.

I do feel emotions sometimes really good and I USED TO react to them like someone with BPD would react, but that was years ago. I now (25 years old) KNOW that its inappropriate to react like that and that i wont achieve anything by reactinf like that and i know that some of emotions are just overwhelming without actually needing to be that overwhelming.

So my main question is how does BPD affect you in different episodes of BD?

So you may have seen my previous posts. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any links to things that actually explain the criteria for mania? My friends hear of me doing one (1) thing that might not be advised and instantly are like you're manic. Apart from the fact that that simply isn't true, it also makes me less likely to be willing to consider it even if it actually was the case.

I feel like everything I've found just says the same things and using the same examples, but really what I'm looking for is something that breaks down each criterion, provides examples of what are and aren't mania, and especially clarifies what the severity might look like to separate it from just someone who is doing very well and stably, and someone who is actually some flavour of manic.

Anything that also provides tips and information around identifying a manic episode in oneself would also be appreciated.

I'm just really new to all of this and I'm lost as to where to find that kind of resource.

Any one willing to share how many mg they take for bipolar mania or schizophrenia ?

Your feedback is much appreciated

I love this time of year but I’m trying very hard not to eat all the candy I bought to hand out.

[TW]

I just had a trauma response and it’s triggering all of my mixed emotions… I just had one a little over a week ago and it triggered a deep depression after lasting 2 1/2 days… I’m in a severe fight or flight mode… I was just getting stoned and all of a sudden a traumatic event happens… I feel like I wanna run away to LA and start a new life down there… I wanna kms in California… it’s getting so bad and the nearest hospital doesn’t do good with mental health… I don’t wanna be locked in a room again… I was just fine until the event happened… I’m scared!! I swear I just saw a UFO not too long ago and now I’m paranoid that I’ll be some sort of alien type creature in a few hours… I feel like I’m a Hollywood star!! Shit’s getting bad fast!!!

Can anyone please help calm me down…

I’m in hell!!!

I am a bit confused. Isn’t this dangerous? Won’t I start hallucinating again?! There was one time I didn’t take my Olanzapine (when I was discharged, they didn’t send my meds) and I started hallucinating like crazy of my past traumas.

I'm on large doses of seroquel and tegretol. I take a neglible dose of olanzapine. I feel like olanzapine at 2.5mg is actually increasing my sex drive. Any experience of this?

Hey y’all. I was in a depressive episode from Aug and it seemed like it was clearing up over the last week or so but I’m down in the dumps again. Just trying to push through and would love something I can laugh at when I get off of work today. Thanks in advance!

Just went through one of my longest periods of horrendous depression, almost a month. Now I’m manic. It’s weird because everytime I’m manic I’m like OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE I WAS EVER SAD but recently I’ve been having mania with severe depression. Haven’t slept in 3 days,I look and feel insane. I’ve lost 7 pounds in a week from not being able to eat anything at all except maybe a few chips a day, if anything. booked myself a weekend trip a few hours away and I’m sitting in my Airbnb feeling miserable and isolated. Don’t want to say anything to get removed but I feel suicidal more than ever. Is this common? Why am I suddenly having mixed episodes?

My dr is switching me from caplyta to vraylar, she said I needed a heavier hitter. I have mixed bipolar, so it’s been really a long journey trying to find the right meds. I’m also on Remeron, propanolol, buspar, zofran, adderall, and Levothyroxine. I get really manic and have episodes of manic psychosis, and I had one this past weekend, for multiple reasons or triggers, whatever. Point being, we’re trying to figure out how to get the mania more under control. Has anyone switched these same meds?

Hello all. Currently looking for advice regarding medication. So far I've tried up to 1500mg depakote er (didn't do shit but give me vertigo) olanzapine, risperidone, and trileptal (made me more hypomanic) and now lithium which I quit today because it gave me a really bad tinnitus flare.

My pdoc has brought up lamictal before but depression isn't my problem so I'm hesitant.

And for background I'm hypomanic dominant bipolar 2. Basically I'm hypomanic all the time, then I'll crash for a week or 2 and be excessively sleepy. But I'm always anxious and unstable with racing thoughts regardless. Even during a crash.

I’ve been bipolar for a while. I don’t know how long exactly, but it presents mainly as mania and hypomania. I’m not aggressively working on medication to help me. But where do my symptoms end and I begin? When my meds are right, I I’ll I even recognize myself? My crazy bursts of energy or my ideas to make things or do things. Currently working on a new ketchup and a board game and planning a camping trip tomorrow and a whole thing for Halloween. Will all that just go away?

Before everybody asks yes I have already reached out to my psychiatrist and a therapist to start intense intervention therapy to try to manage this right now. Due to a recent event I have been diagnosed with acute stress disorder and and very scared that it's going to trigger my bipolar disorder which has been relatively stable for years. I guess I'm asking if anybody else has experienced this what has helped aside from just intervention from your medical team?

This is more of a rant
I’m still learning about this mental illness. Going to a doctor soon to get evaluated. After years of my mom saying I’m bi polar I’ve always brushed it off.
Today I didn’t go to work again. I was reflecting on my life and why I’m not succeeding in life. It brought back memories of the insane things I’ve done when manic.
While in manic states.
- I emptied my savings account which was only 2k left my girlfriend and drove 14 hours to Florida (on a spare tire btw) because at the time I thought I could go their and get rich somehow. As soon as I got there I turned around and drove back.
- I’ve been spending all my money on the dumbest stuff. I gave a store worker $50 for no reason.
I’ve wrote a comprehensive book on how I’m going to go off grid and live sustainably with no knowledge of that stuff.
Spent thousands on hobbies that never lasted a week. And many more other stuff I don’t want to share but now I can’t keep a job to save my life. For a while I’m the best employee they have and then soon or later i start missing a lot of work. It’s ruining my life. Theirs days where I just want to end it all. The overwhelming sadness and feelings of guilt are getting to much. I’ve ruined countless real relationships and good opportunities. Only thing that keeps me going is my son. I finally agreed to go speak to someone about and hopefully get on some kind of medication.

Hey, diagnosed BP1 and I have a pending OCD diagnosis. Screening done yesterday but it would make sense. I haven’t brought it up to anyone yet, but I stopped taking my meds about 4-5 days ago, after about 3 weeks of taking them. I don’t have any symptoms right now outside of depression which started back in August, before I started meds. I plan to bring it up to my therapist tonight and to my psychiatrist at some point, and I know this is generally a bad idea, but I just can’t seem to do anything to convince myself to take them right now.

I just want to know, I guess, how long after you guys quit your meds did something happen? I have a lot of good stuff going for me right now and I don’t want to screw it up…so maybe hearing from other people will help me get back on track. I only got diagnosed this year, and had my first manic episode (without psychotic symptoms, just acute) last year. I have had very few and far between psychotic symptoms during this depressive episode. I’ve done nothing to really screw my life up…and I keep doubting my diagnosis even though logically it makes sense…I have two schizoaffective parents. I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Maybe just some community or some understanding. Thanks in advance.

TLDR: My boyfriend (29m) with bipolar 1 is in a psychotic episode. He isn’t violent, his psychiatrist raised his medication, and we’re trying to avoid calling 911 because of his immigration status. How can we get him help safely in LA County if he doesn't realize he's unwell?

Hello!

I’m sorry if this isn’t the right subreddit, but i’m desperate and posting wherever people may have experience and understanding. I (27f) am seeking advice to help my boyfriend (29m) with bipolar 1 who is in the midst of a psychotic episode. We've been together for about 7 months and based on what he's told me, I think this is the worst it's ever been.

We have each other's locations and on Monday I noticed he was going to some pretty odd places (a public park for a while, a public estate, and these shopping centers he would never go to, and he went to church three times) and when I spoke to him on the phone, he seemed a little down or disinterested when he's usually excited to talk to me when he's closing out his day. On Tuesday, I saw he was frequenting the same places he was at on Monday. I got him on the phone for about 20 minutes and realized he's in a state of psychosis. He was saying things about how his eyes were recording data to send to a team in the moon and how he's going to save the world and said a few religious and political things that were very scary and out of this world. Wednesday and Thursday I heard nothing from him and realized he had blocked my number and all socials but he didn't realize I still had his location. The entire duration of Wednesday and Thursday he spent roaming the exact same areas for hours. This morning (Friday) I woke up and saw he was in the middle of an outdoor mall at 5 AM walking around. His mother and I are in contact with each other and I was able to help her find him and make him take his medication (she said it was a higher dose to help snap him out). His mother also said that he's not being violent or threatening anyone and she told me his psychiatrist said that all we can do is wait for the higher dose of medication to kick in. Since then, he has just been wandering around the same areas and I'm not sure if he's been eating or sleeping. Since he's blocked me on everything, I'm afraid that I'll scare him if I show up to where he is, and even if I did I don't know how I would get him into my car.

We are trying our best to not call 911 because he is a green card holder and we don't want him to get spooked by the police and think they're coming after him and have something happen that affects his status.

His mother thinks that the best thing for him right now may be to just walk around, but it just makes me nervous because we don't know if he's saying anything to anyone and I don't know if roaming the same areas endlessly could make things worse? I just don't know.

From what him and his family have told me, these psychotic episodes have been historically brought on by marijuana usage. He takes Lamictal and Olanzapine and from what we understand, both Nicotine and THC can have a huge effect on how the medications perform. I'm not sure what the exact dosages are for them. All I know he was bumped up to taking 20mg for one of them about a month or two ago and was dropped down to 10mg about a week ago which I'm sure didn't help. I'm not sure if he's been taking them consistently since Monday, but I know he took a dose this morning.

I know there are systems like the DMH Access line, but I'm not sure how that works or if there's anything else I can use for help.

Can the DMH Access line send a mobile crisis team instead of police?
Is it harmful for him to keep wandering, or is it okay to let him?
Are there other resources for him or for me?

I just don't know what to do so any advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

I've read some different experiences, and I'm genuinely curious on how each person distinguish or identify if they're in a manic or hypomanic episode.

I’m a 31M, I was diagnosed with BP1 at 27. I torched relationships with my family and friends, was engaged to someone I never would have truly loved in a “stable” state, racked up over $60k in credit card debt, had an ego that could only be matched by god himself, narrowly avoided several DUI/DWIs, added an SA notch on my belt after a bottle of bourbon and some downers, almost lost my job and was almost kicked out of grad school. I had to move back in with my mother and press reset on my life, it was entirely traumatic when I look back on all of it. It’s by pure luck that I didn’t ruin my life, go to jail, or wind up dead.

My PCP at the time thought 40mg of Prozac would be the perfect remedy. It was the perfect lighter fluid for my first mixed episode.

My ex and her friends called me a liar and narcissist; it was all for attention and I was simply a horrible person. I prompted the psychiatrists and fed them everything they wanted to hear for the diagnosis I was “searching for” so I could ruin her life and leave her. My paranoia, irritability, aggression, insomnia, and depression were all one big lie. There’s even a beautiful little post of me in that BPSO subreddit that has haunted me for 4 years straight.

4 years later and I still let it get to me, even with all the therapy and medication in the world. In my brilliance I decided to try to taper meds (with my psych involved). Maybe it was all in my head and they were all right, I truly was/am simply a terrible narcissistic person.

They were wrong, the diagnosis is real. I’m writing this on the couch with a massive dose of Quetiapine running through me as I try to pull myself out of the same dangerous mixed episode that landed me here in the first place.

Don’t stop your meds. Your diagnosis is real. Forgive yourself.

Tldr
Got rear ended. Minor concussion. Back to work. After work I’m feeling nauseous. A few days later my bipolar symptoms are triggered like a mofo. I really wanna fight anyone who disagrees with anything I do or calls me lazy. Sometimes I disagree with myself on making proper decisions. Given how cold my family has been with me, I’m mad but I understand. Mom shoulda booted me 10 years ago and my therapist agreed with me: I ran away from home with all my meds and almost no money. I’ve been in and out of good sleep. I only slept 30 minutes in the past 24 hours and I’m crashing out on the real. Any help, similar experiences appreciated. Let’s fight this together.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2023, probably type I. I’ve had several severe episodes since then, including around seven in 2024 alone.
One thing I still struggle with is how clear-headed I can feel during an episode. I can be completely convinced that my judgment is sound. Sometimes I even think I’m seeing things more clearly than usual.
During some episodes, I became very sensitive and irritable. I would keep going over what someone had said or done and become convinced they meant harm. Other people disagreeing with me rarely made me reconsider. I felt like I had noticed something they hadn’t.
This led to serious conflicts. Conversations that seem ordinary to me now felt full of hostility at the time. I became suspicious, made extreme decisions, and sometimes tried to control what other people were doing. In my head, I had reasons for all of it. I thought my reactions made sense.
What confuses me is that this doesn’t always stop when the obvious symptoms ease. Sometimes it takes another two or three months before I can look back and recognize that my thinking was still affected. I may have spent that whole time believing I had recovered.
I’ve also had severe depression. There were periods lasting several months when I could barely manage daily life. At my worst, I couldn’t bring myself to go outside. There was a month when I ate only one bag of bread. Getting up, showering, cooking, and eating were difficult, and sometimes I needed someone else’s help.
During another period, I cried at night for two or three months, couldn’t sleep properly, and was terrified that I was being watched. I’ve had auditory and visual hallucinations, including voices giving me commands. I’ve also talked to people who weren’t actually there.
In 2023, I lost my wallet. For about two months afterward, I walked around ten kilometers almost every day looking for it. I was convinced I could find it. At the time, I saw nothing unusual about continuing to search like that. Looking back, I can recognize how disconnected some of my thinking had become from reality.
My mania hasn’t always felt happy. A lot of it has involved irritability, anger, and sleep problems. There have been times when I couldn’t sleep for two nights in a row even after taking quetiapine. At other times, I became so talkative that I could barely stop, and my thoughts and speech sped up.
My tolerance for other people could drop sharply. Small things would set me off. My spending also changed: I don’t usually feel a strong need to buy things, but during certain periods I would suddenly spend 10,000–20,000 RMB(roughly US$1,500–3,000 at today’s exchange rate)
. The purchases seemed reasonable at the time. I only started questioning them after my state changed.
These things don’t all happen together, and each episode has been different.
Recently, my sleep has been especially confusing. Some nights I take my medication as usual but still can’t fall asleep until six or seven in the morning. Earlier this month, I had several nights of only three or four hours of sleep while still feeling mentally active.
Then I started sleeping much more. Sometimes I sleep eight hours at night and another two during my commute, and I’m still exhausted afterward. I can struggle to stay awake during the day, then lie down at night and find that my brain won’t settle. Sometimes my mind feels very active while my body is worn out.
I’ve also been agitated and irritable, with trouble concentrating and physical symptoms I don’t know how to explain. These include pressure in my head, intermittent stabbing pain at the back of my head, nausea, and numbness.
I’ve been getting intensely hungry too, sometimes just one or two hours after a normal meal. Occasionally I feel close to fainting, although my weight hasn’t noticeably changed. I don’t know how much of this is connected to my mood, disrupted sleep, medication, or something else physically.
I used to take quetiapine on its own. I started with a quarter of a 25 mg tablet, or 6.25 mg. Later, I took 200 mg, then 300 mg, and eventually 400 mg. I currently take 50 mg of quetiapine along with gabapentin.
I’ve felt more stable on this combination than I did on quetiapine alone. For a while, the difference felt very noticeable. I know gabapentin isn’t an established mood stabilizer for bipolar disorder, though, and I can’t tell how much of the improvement came from it. I can only describe what I noticed.
I’m reluctant to go back to higher doses of quetiapine because of how sedated I felt. I’m a university student, I spend a lot of time commuting, and sometimes I’m away from home all day. Becoming too drowsy to function before I get home makes that difficult. I also need to stay alert on public transport and in other public places.
My courses have strict attendance requirements, along with projects and assignments. When my sleep gets disrupted, I struggle to concentrate, recall things, and get work done. Sometimes I don’t feel particularly depressed, but thinking and handling everyday tasks still take much more effort than usual.
I’ve been through enough episodes to recognize some warning signs. Sometimes I notice the reduced sleep or changes in my behavior early. But there are also periods when I can still talk to people, attend classes, and deal with everyday things, so I assume I’m back to normal. Months later, I look back differently.
That’s the part I still find hard to judge. I can notice some of what’s happening now, including the disrupted sleep, agitation, and exhaustion. I’m much less certain about when I’ve actually recovered.

I use bullet journaling to "check in" daily. I keep a page for mood, of course. I track my period using it, my exercise, water intake, a couple other things.

I've done monthly/weekly formats before that tracks screen time, self-care, etc. But annual spreads, like "Pixel Pages" are what I can manage consistently.

What do you think would be important to track, related to managing bipolar and recognizing patterns of behavior?