r/AvoidantAttachment • u/imfivenine • Apr 27 '26

Moderator Post READ THIS if you want to POST here

42 Upvotes

This is a new thread with the SAME GUIDELINES as the previous post which is now archived.

THIS THREAD IS ONLY FOR APPROVAL TO POST. You don’t have to be an approved user to comment or lurk. ONLY someone with an avoidant attachment who wants to post should comment.

Secures and AP/AP leaning need not apply.

**FIRST AND FOREMOST**

This sub is different than other subreddits. It is a safe space for avoidant attachers. This means it is not a support group for anyone else. Once again, **this is not a support group for partners, exes, etc of avoidant attachers.** If you’re a partner, friend, ex, etc, you’re welcome to read and learn but not bash, complain, dump, shame, lecture, or otherwise vent about avoidant attachers here. We’re not your ex. This is not a breakups sub.

This also goes for “healed” or “leaning secure”/former avoidants - hatred of your former self need not be projected at others here. We’re all on our own journeys, whether that’s to secure or not.

**FAs:** There are several FA specific subreddits you can post on regarding your attachment style.

This sub is ONLY for your avoidant traits, not the anxious traits. If you are ruminating, activated, upset with an avoidant attacher, take that somewhere else. I mention this specifically because this is one of the top reasons posts get declined and then cause some users to have an outburst in modmail. This guideline is not new, for years we’ve been clear this is only about the avoidant side - your own - not someone else’s. Anything else should go to another sub more specific to that style or another sub altogether. PLEASE remember to read the rules of other subreddits before posting or commenting there, too.

Guidelines for approval to post:

  1. **You have an honest user flair and understand that changing flair to skirt the rules results in an immediate, permanent ban.** We can usually tell when people do this so please don’t waste anyone’s time. How to add a user flair: [https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205242695-How-do-I-get-user-flair#:\\\~:text=On%20reddit.com,set%20up%20your%20user%20flair\](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205242695-How-do-I-get-user-flair#:\~:text=On%20reddit.com,set%20up%20your%20user%20flair).

  2. **You understand posts need to be about your own avoidant attachment.** Not someone else’s avoidance, even if you’re avoidant yourself. No, “I’m FA dating a DA…” "I'm avoidant dating someone more avoidant than me" "I'm done dating other avoidants!" or anything that resembles this is allowed. Period. Not following this could result in approval removal and possibly a permanent ban.

  3. **You understand this is not a basic dating/relationship advice sub.** No posts with a string of “he said/she said, this happened and then that happened…what do I do? Should I text them? Do they miss me? Are they going to come back?” content.

  4. **You understand that we do not allow new accounts/low karma accounts to participate here.** We do not disclose the exact age and karma amount for safety reasons. Contacting the mods about this will not result in any kind of approval, a different answer, or special treatment. Automoderator will send a message to you if this was the reason your post or comment was removed. Read this if you don’t know what karma is: [https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma\](https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/204511829-What-is-karma)

  5. **No Emotional Dumping.** Similar to #3. See this video if you aren’t sure what this means. [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dfxOBpe\\_YMs. ](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dfxOBpe_YMs)

  6. **Rants/Vents stay contained to the weekly rant/vent thread.** Read that post before ranting/venting as the rules are clearly stated.

  7. **No requests for attachment style diagnosis.** Read up on attachment styles, watch videos, take a test, seek professional help. This is a peer support space and no one can assess you or anyone else based on a few details.

  8. **You understand that this is not your personal blog or journal.** Please make sure your post has a point, is relevant to AT/avoidant attachment, and that what you are asking for is abundantly clear. Post Flairs are now required and will help others see what you’re looking for. High drama, low effort, repetitive posts, posts with no point, and obviously antagonistic posts will be removed and so will your approval to post.

  9. **You understand that just because you ask to be approved doesn’t guarantee approval.** Bullying, harassing, or begging the mods will not help your case and we will report you to Reddit Admin. If you are approved to post, you should get an automated message (not a comment, a message, check your messages) telling you that you are an approved user. If you have been approved in the past, you shouldn’t need re-approval, as far as we know. If you think you've been previously approved and try to post but it doesn't let you, you need approval.

  10. **If you read and understand the subreddit rules and this post and wish to be approved to post:** Comment below stating that you read and understand the rules and this post and would like to be an approved user. Please be patient as the mods are unpaid volunteers who have full time jobs and lives outside of Reddit so you may not get an instantaneous response. Do not send a modmail or comment multiple times following up. We hope to get to your requests as quickly as possible. Once again, a message is sent notifying you of your approved user status. There is no option for us to send a "decline" message and we don't want to put people on blast publicly with a yes or no comment.

DO NOT use this thread for any other reason other than asking for approval to post. All this does is slow things down.

This sub has evolved so much that these guidelines are deemed necessary to keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers and to help appropriate posts get posted quicker. There are other subs out there without such strict rules and you are free to post in those instead if this does not work for you.

Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

335 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/imfivenine • Jun 11 '25

Moderator Post 🛑STOP HIJACKING POSTS🛑

290 Upvotes

📣Saying it loudly for the people in the back.

I know this post is going to have a “vibe” but being warm and fuzzy has never worked so I’m trying to be crystal clear and firm here:

Recently there has been an uptick in people trying to derail threads. Of course it’s non-avoidants who haven’t read the rules or think they don’t apply to them. This has always been an issue but is happening a lot more all of a sudden.

There is no shortage of spaces online for people involved with avoidants to tell their stories or ask for advice. Literally every other attachment related forum, comment section, etc is inundated with non-avoidants talking at and about us.

You have plenty of places to go for support. This is the one place we have for ourselves.

Stop invading our space.

The world does not revolve around you and your relationship.

It is rude to hijack someone’s post in general, but especially when they are seeking support or being vulnerable. It is entitled and sort of anti-social to ask someone who is sharing to help you with your unrelated situation.

Low effort comments like, “You sound just like my ex” are equally unhelpful and selfish. Why would anyone care about your ex who we don’t know?!

It’s also rude, entitled, intrusive, and severely lacking of boundaries to send unsolicited DMs to people who participate here because you can’t.

The same goes for unsolicited advice especially in the designated rant/vent thread. Look up what a rant and vent is. By definition it is one sided, complaining, letting it all out. These can be helpful for people who are learning to express emotions and themselves when they used to keep it all in. It’s not meant to be an invitation for a lecture and it’s not a proposal for law. It doesn’t mean someone needs to hear the “other side” just because you’re uncomfortable or it reminds you of someone.

Honestly, this goes for in person interactions as well. It’s a great skill to have to ask someone if they just need an ear or if they want advice before giving it to them. If interested, look up the topic of unsolicited advice online, you might be surprised.

You may be banned for hijacking threads and making nasty remarks.

Thanks for helping us keep this a safe space.

44 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/Elegant_Soup_1999 • 12h ago

Rant/Vent Can't stop thinking about the ex I broke up with seven minths ago.

16 Upvotes

I broke up with my ex seven months ago, but as of recently, I've been finding myself thinking and dreaming about her. I think it's been especially exacerbated by our old mutual friend telling me about her new boyfriend. It's exhausting as I broke up with her for good reason. It's odd for me as I can remember parts of our relationship and feel gross, but then still want to go back and contact her. .

I had a brief fling two months after we broke up, but nothing since then.

I don't think I'm mentally ready for another relationship as I crave closeness but also can't stand when people take up my time. I told myself that September was the month I was going to get back into the dating scene, but the thought of being around someone for prolonged periods of time makes me feel physically ill. I feel like I'd just end up getting fed up and repeat the cycle.

12 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 1d ago

Weekly Post - ✨Wins and Successes ✨

3 Upvotes

Share your wins and successes here!

0 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 4d ago

Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

7 Upvotes

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

  • Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

  • No unsolicited advice.

  • No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

  • No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

  • All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

  • Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

2 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 5d ago

🎉MEME MONDAY🎉

3 Upvotes

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

0 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 8d ago

Weekly Post - ✨Wins and Successes ✨

3 Upvotes

Share your wins and successes here!

1 comment

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 11d ago

Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

14 Upvotes

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

  • Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

  • No unsolicited advice.

  • No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

  • No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

  • All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

  • Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

16 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 12d ago

🎉MEME MONDAY🎉

2 Upvotes

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

1 comment

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/Irememberwinfaros • 14d ago

Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ I have to talk about my gf to my parents

29 Upvotes

We've been together for 2 and a half years and they still don't know. Except that I'm pretty sure that my mom has guessed and that she's mad I still haven't told her.

My relationship with my parents is probably the main cause of my avoidance so this is very triggerring and I can't bring myself to do it.

I was thinking of asking my mom if [my gf's name] can come with me next time I'm visiting. I want to just mention her by name (they have met before) and then hope my mom ask further questions. I know this is lame and a bad strategy lol but I'm scared I'll be fully incapable of pronouncing the words "my girlfriend".

I know this is a very simple problem to solve but I'm still terrified. If anyone has any word of advice or encouragement I'll gladly hear it 😭

9 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/LaughingZombie41258 • 15d ago

Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ Am I deactivating? If so how can I stop it?

44 Upvotes

I 34F am DA but I managed to live a securely attached relationship until now. Now my boyfriend 33M and me are going to live together soon. We've been together for 1 year and half.

Coincidentally, lately, I've started feeling unhappy with him, he's moderately lazy and selfish but until now it hasn't bothered me as much.

For instance, he always talk about himself for hours, I've been always been content to listen to him, now I've starting to lose interest in conversation. I started resenting him the smallest stuff, like I asked him to buy me something I needed and he didn't do it despite being all day at home and the store being few minutes away BY FOOT. I've done blood work and he didn't ask me how it went. This stuff.

Now I don't know if the imminent commitment is triggering deactivation or if I'm rightfully evaluating red flags before taking big steps. Maybe both? How can I proceed? I don't want to leave him, while I'm angry. I may start this cohabitation experiment right away and see how it goes? Couple therapy? Do I ignore my intrusive negative thoughts? If he was really selfish could I be with him nevertheless? Selfish people can have families? I'm quite individualistic myself and never shy away if someone need help so it can be done. I don't fear for myself but for eventual helpless children who will be stuck with a self absorbed father.

My therapist said I need to set boundaries and that my anger come from my inability to set boundaries, but for some unknown reason I can't. I can't bring myself to say "I won't get pizza because I'm on diet", "Shut up it's 00:30 and tomorrow I have to get up early", "I won't listening to your monologue for another 5 min", "You are pos of I ask you a favor and you won't do it for no reason" etc. I cave and say it's all okay and later, usually when I'm not physically with him, start feeling anger and disgust. Rarely I try so set boundaries, he ask if we can cross it for that time and I cave immediately. What is strange is that in friendship and family I'm so firm.

22 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 15d ago

Weekly Post - ✨Wins and Successes ✨

2 Upvotes

Share your wins and successes here!

1 comment

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/imfivenine • 18d ago

Rant/Vent This video highlights something I think needs to be addressed in online attachment discourse

113 Upvotes

Something I’ve noticed over time is “avoidants” who pretend (or maybe they really believe it) to be experts trying to give advice, build platforms, and sell made up strategies for how to deal with avoidant attachers. HOT TAKE: 9/10 times these are FAs in their anxious energy LARPing DAs. Most of the time they got hurt by one and their way of fighting back (protesting?) is making content. They’re on Reddit too. Some are unhinged AF. They know what to say, who to target, and even MAKE UP their own terms and categories. There is already a wealth of information out there from real experts, including academic texts. This really makes me wonder why they feel the need to reinvent the wheel. This only takes hurt people further away from the actual science and pigeonholes truly avoidant attachers (who they also claim to be when it’s convenient for “credibility.”)

DA’s don’t need an FA spokesperson. If they understood us at all they wouldn’t be doing it. IMO it’s manipulative and predatory and it needs to stop. Please exercise discernment when you consume content. Imagine what could be done if people who obsess over, “How to make an avoidant…” content turned even half of that energy inward to learn about themselves.

59 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 18d ago

Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

8 Upvotes

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

  • Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

  • No unsolicited advice.

  • No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

  • No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

  • All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

  • Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

9 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 19d ago

🎉MEME MONDAY🎉

4 Upvotes

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

0 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 22d ago

Weekly Post - ✨Wins and Successes ✨

6 Upvotes

Share your wins and successes here!

1 comment

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 25d ago

Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

15 Upvotes

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

  • Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

  • No unsolicited advice.

  • No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

  • No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

  • All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

  • Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

18 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 26d ago

🎉MEME MONDAY🎉

3 Upvotes

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

0 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/TBearshit • 28d ago

Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ how do I get over the urge to reconnect with my ex

74 Upvotes

Heyy DA here. I feel like I use my first love as a way of escaping the present. We already had a last talk where we opened up about the breakup etc etc, i’m currently in a new relationship which makes it even more uncomfortable to seemingly miss my ex.

I think I miss a feeling, a different time, maybe a different version of myself. I try to rationalize it, be gentle with my feelings and take them serious, but it really doesn’t seem to fade. Maybe I need to process the breakup still, I have no idea.

Any thoughts or tips are appreciated

32 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • 29d ago

Weekly Post - ✨Wins and Successes ✨

3 Upvotes

Share your wins and successes here!

1 comment

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • Sep 22 '26

Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

3 Upvotes

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

  • Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

  • No unsolicited advice.

  • No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

  • No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

  • All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

  • Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

12 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/i_likepesto • Sep 21 '26

Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ Therapist Advice

12 Upvotes

30ish yo F with graduate degree based in Utah. Any recommendations for an online therapist to work through avoidance with & history of dysfunctional family? Ideally with some weekend availability. Let me know if you've had any good experiences.

4 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/j-ack-w • Sep 21 '26

Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ texting/ "text quota"

74 Upvotes

Does anyone else find it really hard to consistently text people? Generally when we're actively in each others life I will always prefer meeting up and talking over text, except in conflict where I like the space and the ability to think out responses. But recently becoming long distance (ish) with my partner has put some strain on it apparently? I text them the most out of anyone I know by a mile but sometimes my brain will be scattered and I'll miss a day so now I'm being held to the promise of texting daily... which isn't an unreasonable request but with my anti-texting brain it feels like such a big weight. does anyone else have these struggles? i'm not on my phone for most of the day so i often miss texts too- anyone have avoidant life hacks for getting better at texting or not taking this expectation as a deactivation-worthy burden?

18 comments

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/AutoModerator • Sep 21 '26

🎉MEME MONDAY🎉

4 Upvotes

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

1 comment

r/AvoidantAttachment • u/inturvert • Sep 20 '26

Rant/Vent I dumped the only friends I had, and now I miss them so much that I constantly find myself selftalking.

28 Upvotes

It's so confusing to actually explain it..
idek if I am an avoidant or not (ig, this single sentence is enough for mods to remove this post), but looking at the things in past, the way they have affected me and the way I have responded to them, it somehow makes sense to call myself an avoidant. And the interesting part is I literally know the exact moments/incidents that would have possibly caused to develop this in me.

Two months ago I dumped the only people I used to talk with. It was a Discord server actually.
now you might think of me as weird but I am not, I just hate the way I was attached to every one of em I talked with in there. The thing that was really bothering me was the fact that I was enjoying spending time with them, like it didn't make any sense to me that how can I be with such good people, it's not like I am bad person or something like that, but I often used to question if I even deserved their company or not. And after few months, when I finally made my mind to stay in there, I found out that my lame ass has fallen for someone in there...
And I was just shattered with this fact. I couldn't stand with this bs. I never did imagine something like this will happen to me. and apparently, The only way out I could figure out was leaving.. and ig after 2-3 months, I just left discord.

And now here comes the fuckyfucky part.
It has been more than two months now, and by this time I was supposed to forget all of them, but WTF.. every time, whenever I am free, I constantly think about them, I am literally having entire conversations going on in my head, that too for hours. I create certain scenarios in my head, then crack jokes with them regarding that scenario, I even make jokes from their side which literally suits to their personality. Everytime I find some funny meme (mostly when it resembles with someone in there), I imagine it sending it on that server, then again I start an entire conversation regarding that meme, And atp, I AM SO FUCKING ANNOYED WITH THIS SHIT...
I don't want this at all, and Idk how to stop it, I don't wanna miss them anymore, I don't even want to think about any of them anymore and the only way to do that is to keep myself busy, and that's not possible for all the time.. 😭

Although, I think my dear ADHD is doing pretty good role in here, but still.. Me leaving them, even tho I never wanted to, still bothers me..

4 comments