r/writingcritiques • • 4h ago

Drama Critique Request (I'm an amateur and I want to improve quickly) NSFW

2 Upvotes

By the train, waiting for you

As the evening sky shifted to night, the twilight colours of the sky fading to dusky hues, two young adults rushed down the steps onto the train platform. One of them hauling a heavy suitcase down the steps and the other chipping down with a stuffed backpack. Upon halting, the young man huffed his way into the seat, heaving as he did.

His suitcase swiftly slid to the side of the bench, on time out for being the cause of his exhaustion. Before even having a few breaths to recuperate, the young lady beside him dropped the backpack onto his lap, blasting what little breath the man had managed to recover.

“What...” heaving between his words “what is your problem? Couldn’t you have dropped it in the seat like a normal person?” the young man asked, a look of perplexity and irritation on his face.

The beautiful young lady, seemingly ignorant to his plight, began stretching. With a soft yawn she plants herself into the available seat.

“If I put the bag here, then where would I sit? Don’t tell me you’re the type to make a lady stand?” She cocks her head to the side, raising a sly, taunting look towards him.

“You seemed quite fine hauling my backpack from the uber to here. I’d say your ladyship is more durable than she gives herself credit for.” the young man snidely remarked.

A wiggle of irritation danced on her eyebrow. “David, please tell me which podcast taught you to charm a woman. Name one lady who wants to be referred to as ‘durable’?”

Arrogance crept onto his face. “Well Clarissa, I had no idea I was speaking to on...” his arrogance died as a swift punch to the gut removed all of the wind in his lungs.

After a few bouts of coughing, David regains his composure. “Ok...I’ll admit...I had that coming.”

A look of satisfaction covered Clarissa’s face as she let her quiet moment of victory sit.

“cough...after all this time you still punch like you were raised by anim...” a warning look gave him pause, “...ahem...your ladyship boasts quite the athleticism.” David nervously retreating whatever sarcastic comment he had on his tongue.

“Yeah much more than your muscles are worth apparently. Remind the audience again how much you supposedly...” Clarissa taunts, giving air quotes “..bench?” her cheeky smile prodding his pride.

Slight annoyance flashed across his face, then weighing the potential consequences he retorted “Clearly enough to lift you up and pin you against the wall when we were....”

“Ahem!” Clarissa swiftly interrupts, swivelling her head to make sure no one was in earshot. “Are you crazy?”

Checking that the coast was clear she continued “Also WE...didn’t do anything. If I recall, I was above you doing most of the work while you enjoyed the view.“

Chuckling at her discomfort “And? I thought women wanted more leadership positions in the workforce. Aren’t you a feminist?”

“Being on top and calling the shots is fun but any good CEO still expects her workers to pull their weight during the meeting? Don’t you support women?”

Leaning into her ear, he teased “Last I checked the CEO was having the time of her life in that meeting. In fact I remembered we both arrived at happy conclusions after the meeting was over.”

“Oh please, you wish I arrived at...”

The slight tension of their banter was broken by the operator’s voice. “The train to Heathrow Airport Terminal 2 is 5 minutes away. Please keep all your belongings...”

The operator’s voice faded away with the flow of the conversation, giving way to a paused silence.

“Should I call, y’know...when I land?” David threw the question, slight hesitation almost betraying his voice.

“I mean...you could...” Clarissa replies, shifting her gaze away from his, then her brow furrows in thought “Unless you’re doing it to gloat or something then you can shove...”

“No...” David interrupts “I mean...just to check in y’know.” he says, the cool night’s breeze changing the atmosphere.

Shifting her gaze back and forth between him and the ground “Now...why would you do that?”

“I don’t know...I mean we’ve been doing this for a while. We don’t have to pretend we hate each other all the time.” His eyes rested on the floor before slowly panning to hers.

Clarissa said sheepishly, “Bold of you to assume I was pretending”, her usual snark missing its edge.

“Clarissa...I’m serious. What if we...what if I st...”

“Don’t” she said abruptly, “don’t...we...we don’t even know what this is. It works for now...let’s just keep it...that...” Clarissa’s voice died as she saw the soft melancholy on David’s face.

The sound of the train clamored in the distance, its approach grew foreboding with each passing moment.

Unable to keep eye contact, she broke away, “You know how these things go…when things change someone always gets hurt in the end…and I don’t want that to be me…not again.” Clarissa mumbles the last part, in hopes he never hears the breakage in her voice.

With a gentle smile he just said “Okay. I won’t bring it up again.” David turns away, his eyes betraying the soft smile on his face.

The train is closer, drawing nearer into view. David gathers his bags, rising up to meet his departure. In that moment, the atmosphere of affection they shared changed. The autumn breeze felt cooler to the touch than normal. Clarissa looks at him, torn between the pain of the past and whatever’s happening now.

“Wait...we don’t need labels. We’re friends right?” slight panic creeping into her voice “We’re just reeeaally good friends? What’s so wrong with that?”

The train slides to a stop. The few people waiting begin to file in. David gives one last look back to Clarissa.

“You can’t ever be honest can you?” with a defeated sigh he, turns to the train and says, “Maybe...maybe we should just stop this...whatever it is. Bye Clarissa, I’ll message you...later”

Turning away, David proceeds towards the train. Time slows down, each moment pregnant with every step he takes. The distance between them was short in measurement but growing by the second. He’s a few paces away from the train. Then two. Then one. Then...

“Wait!” Clarissa startles up “Just...wait”

David turns around and pauses. “Clarissa I have to go....” turning back he goes towards the train door.

In one motion, she grabs his hand. A movement too fast to last a second but tense enough to last an eternity.

“Can you just....can we..”

“It’s okay Clarissa you don’t have to say it. We’re still going to be fri...”

“Let’s do it” she said, almost as if the statement surprised her as much as it did him.

“What do you me...”

“I mean let’s do it,” panic and excited breaths shaking her being “whatever this is...let’s do it.”

The train gives a signal for soon moving off. A light shine in David’s eyes but his face remains fixed.

“I want you to say it.” David demands in a quiet tone.

An embarrassed look washes over Clarissa’s face. Her ears and cheeks now red like cherries. Her eyes begin darting around, trying to find any focus but his face right now. Looking down slightly, she summons her courage in a shaking voice.

“Ca…” she tries to find the words, almost choking on them, “can you stay...plea....”

Her words are lost as David presses his lips to hers, locking his arms around, pulling her in. One heartbeat melts into another as her surprise changes into warm acceptance. She kisses back, her arms wrapping themselves into his embrace. After a few loving pecks David falls back, reluctantly. With a soft loving lift of the chin, her vulnerable gaze met his.

“I’ll stay. I’ll stay for however long you want me to. For however long you’ll have me.”

With a soft, somber kiss, they interlocked again, passionate longing flowing between their tongues.

“I just...I just wanted to hear you say it.” he admits, giving a nervous chuckle.

Clarissa retreats from his gaze, crumbling from the weight of his emotion. With a small raise of the arm, she lightly punched him, her fist folding into his chest.

“You don’t...play fair at all” she said softly. He chuckled lightly, kissing the top of her head.

“I know.” A happy satisfaction breaking through as he grinned ear to ear.

The two embraced, sharing their warmth as the cool autumn breeze whistled gently through the night.


r/writingcritiques • • 9h ago

My writing example

0 Upvotes

I'm going to say that it's too difficult to write something up so therefore I will write big Brett goes to the store and he picks up a big book big book brat you go back to his house and he puts down the book onto the table. and he's so awesome and awesome and awesome. quotation mark I'm big breath Brett a big breath Brett quotation mark he said that very loud and proud. he's wearing big socks. " hey why are you crap" said Johnny Wally "My name is Johnny Wally I don't like you and you are suck." big Brett says "Hey that's not nice. I'm not a crap. you are a big big used big big dummy dumb dumb dummy dum dum dum dum dum dum."

"well as Johnny Wally I got to say that my human is better than yours." says Johnny Wally. " Well and I'm big Bret that's me giggle. awesome I'm the coolest and the best. " well Johnny Wally doesn't like that he hates Big brett, he's a big brat. "Big Brett, you're stupid"

*you know what" says Big brett "that's it I'm going to teach you a lesson. "

"oh yeah what would that lesson be huh?" asks Johnny Wally.

"well simply that you're an accusational person." says big Brett.

"well big Bret you're a big Brit. something political. Scooby-Doo doesn't love you."

"no not Scooby-Doo!" Big Brett screamed at the top of his lungs, painting a picture of the endless electrical torment of the dead and big live toasters. his uvula squiggles his mouth. he goes to he goes to the grocery store. "hey I'm at the store I'm big brett." says big Brett long shallotly to the big grocery store aisles. he sees a big grocery fish in the in the window thing. the bed the fish is blue and has blue scales. "this looks kind of like the rainbow fish from that one book" says big Brett.

"wow reminds me of the rainbow fish with a rainbow scales whether she goes into the um when she goes into um The fish World and then goes to see all the fishes are jealous and they're mad at her and then she goes hey stop it I'm a cooler fish that you but I'm going to do everything to give you the better of me to make me seem like I'm not actually cooler fish." Big Brett monalizes. "I like the look of his fish face."

he put big red pokes the grass glass and then the fish turns into look at him with a big angry scowl. "hey knock it off I'm the fish of rainbows." "wait" says Bit Brett. "I thought that you were just a regular fish and I didn't know that you could talk like a like a person. well I'm going to report you to the authorities"

"hey you can't do that cuz I'm the best fish" says the rainbow fish from the book.

"well now time to face you domulus you do me less." Big brat touches the phone screen with his big fingers but they're too big and fat and then his finger slips into the water. "oh no says is big Brett"

"that was my chance to get a revenge on you hahaha evil" The rainbow fish laughs evenly with a strange cackle. and then the fish grabs a fork and then dish is his fingers into the meat .

"mmmmm" "oh no I'm big brett and I lost my fingers"

big Bret goes back to his home and so sad just fingers dripping dripping dripping. Johnny is there and he's smiling a grid. "I'm Johnny wallium and I'm happy that you got your fingers cut off."

"I'm going to kill you Johnny William." says big Brett. he paints him a picture of the Dead that did.

"did me dead you did me dead all right." says John Wall he's dead. and and the in the afterlife that John Wall he goes into this guy I'm done and where's where's the god? that he hears a big fat rebel now that's the other stomach that's the other stomach oh goodness John Wiley you are going to be incarnated into a cool guy.

did Johnny gets cold until I turned. tuna. you're so awesome and awesome and awesome and awesome and awesome.

tell Wally ends up as a big fly. I'm a fly guy. and I'm going to call myself for the Wally. that's why I am now I am now that he's love and lovers around. Plus he flows flows into the air. out of care. he wants watch I'll do the wall.


r/writingcritiques • • 11h ago

Fantasy Ecos de un Pasado (prologo)

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 12h ago

hi Its my first time writing a fiction piece and wanted to share and maybe hear feedback.

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0 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 13h ago

Other Free verse poem revision help

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1 Upvotes

Could use some feedback on this one!

I love writing in free verse - but is it just thoughts written in a cruddy stanza? be ruthless and real if you have the time. Thank you ❤️


r/writingcritiques • • 16h ago

Adventure Hi, I would like to know if this text is readable and what does it get across, if anyone could let me know id appreciate it- Like can you tell me what you think the situation is. Thanks.

2 Upvotes

Roland blew onto his freezing hands and rubbed them together. The warmth hummed on his palms and went away quickly. Every breath tumbled out of his mouth and nostrils in dancing twirls of vapour as he climbed up the white hill. It was the truest cold Roland had ever felt. True cold came in stages, Roland had found out. First was the normal cold, you wouldn't realise unless you spent more than ten minutes in it—  but if you did it turned into a numbness which made your fingers slow, and after that they hurt with a burning like no fire could ever give you.

Atop the hill he saw purple and orange sun wash pristine unbroken snow that blanketed hill, lake and tree for leagues and leagues. The whole world was one sheet of snow and it glittered beautifully in blue and pink under the sunset.
If I think I am cold now then I know nothing. He thought.

He kicked snow from a small flatness at the top of the hill and set his bag down and pitched his tiny red tent. Slowly chipping the nails into frozen hard mud took a while. Reaching into his sack he piled some small, dry, boney sticks outside and lit them with a flint and steel. The fire formed quickly into the empty air and Roland felt it on his face. Crusty snow, caught in his beard, melted and dripped down his neck. He flayed the gloves off his skin slowly because his fingers hurt with every movement and held his curled palms close above the fire. They hurt even worse then but when he pulled away he missed the warmth instantly and stuck them back in, curling his fists tightly to deal with it.

It had been months, though he didn't know how many, since he left Baimones for the White Hook. To find a white bear. For three of those he circled the coast with his men, on his ship, the colossal Prometheus. Fifty men had come with him from the Yellow Kingdom and now he wasn't sure if he had two.

He lost the first forty when he anchored at Washerflash and the Baron told him he would find no Ice bears on the hook.
“We killed them all, the ones near the water at least, you won't find any bears where men live.”
So I will go where no men live. He thought. Fool.
He hadn't the food for fifty men through the snowy tundra that lay north of Washerflash and the other towns on the hook, so he took ten and gave up the ship's remaining gold for the forties  journey home.
It will be worth it.

“Bring me a white bear and you will be the richest man in Baimones, richer than me if they'll let me.” The king had told him. But if it was true, what they said, about the size of them, Roland wasn't sure if he would be able to bring one back by himself, especially in his current state. He hadn't moved normally since he got off the boat. He was cold and slow all the tim, his bones felt empty and all he had was a crossbow with five bolts.
Can five bolts kill a monster?
He thought at the fire a long while as he thawed out his fingers.
I must find them, Horley and Todd. They have to be alive, and if they are we will march on and find a bear at the frozen lake.
He lost the boys when the wolves set upon them a few days past. They weren't clear of the trees by then and made the mistake of putting their fire out at night. Ten or Twelve skinny long things in curly grey and brown surrounded their tents and killed seven of them before he decided to run. Last he saw Harley and Todd were running too and Maxim was getting his leg pulled off by one and his pink inflated guts by another. He ran until he threw up. They were boys, all of them. The only ones that agreed to brave the white desert with him were stupid young boys, none older than Roland's twenty four years.

He couldn't recall where they ran in relation to him, he didn't even know where he ran frankly. The stars looked the same. The Baron told him to go towards the blue star to get to the frozen lake but he had scarce told that to his boys. They didn't really talk to him on the journey after the first day. They followed unquestioning.
Maybe they recall me saying it once, maybe they think they will meet me at the lake. Most like they have gone home though, or at least in that direction. There are girls and warm food at home instead of ten other men and rock hard crackers. Could five weeks in the snow break them into sprinting home? Or is it watching your  friends, the same age as you, die, that does it.


r/writingcritiques • • 16h ago

Feedback for first Substack post: Baaaarby

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 23h ago

Fantasy Book Opening — Feedback?

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0 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

The last frame( want feedback)

0 Upvotes

​

**The Last Frame**

*Chapter One — polished draft*

**The Noise**

Arvind was halfway to the bank when the street broke open.

It began as a sound, a thick, wet, metallic crunch that cut through the evening traffic and made every head turn at once. Then came the screech of tyres, long and raw, like something being torn in half.

He turned.

A black SUV had mounted the footpath. Its bonnet was crumpled, its headlights still blazing, and in front of it, in the harsh yellow glare, lay a man who was no longer moving. One of his chappals had been flung several feet away. It rested upright on the tar, strangely neat, as if its owner had only stepped out of it.

For a heartbeat, the whole street held its breath.

Then the crowd surged. Shopkeepers abandoned their counters. Rickshaw-pullers dropped their handlebars. People pressed in around the body and the car, shouting, pointing, and calling for water, for an ambulance, for someone to *do* something. Arvind found himself running with them, his bank slip crushed in his fist, his heart hammering against his ribs.

Through the windscreen he saw the driver.

The man was young, his collar open, his head lolling against the seat. His eyes were half-closed and unfocused. Even from ten feet away, Arvind could almost smell the liquor on him.

*Drunk,* he thought. *He is completely drunk.*

The engine roared.

"Hey! Stop!" someone screamed.

The SUV lurched backwards, then forward, and the crowd scattered like startled birds. Arvind threw himself sideways as the car tore past him. Behind him came a scream, short and terrible, and then a sickening thud.

When he looked back, a second person was lying on the road.

The SUV was already gone, its tail-lights shrinking into the dusk, leaving only the smell of burnt rubber and a silence that was somehow louder than the crash.

Arvind stood there, shaking. His hand had moved on its own. Somewhere in the chaos, he had raised his phone and pressed the shutter. He had the car. He had the number plate, a little blurred, but there.

He did not know yet that this single photograph would change his life.

**The Official Version**

Two days later, Arvind sat in front of his small television with a cup of tea going cold in his hands.

He had been waiting for this. He had switched channels for hours, searching for the story that he had watched unfold with his own eyes.

At last, the anchor appeared. She sat straight-backed under studio lights, her voice calm and practised.

"An unidentified man was killed yesterday when a speeding car struck him while he was crossing a main road. According to preliminary reports, the driver sounded his horn repeatedly, but the pedestrian failed to move aside. Despite the driver's attempt to brake, the collision could not be avoided." She paused, as if for effect. "The post-mortem report states that the victim was under the influence of alcohol at the time of the accident."

The tea cup slipped from Arvind's fingers and shattered on the floor.

*Several rounds of the horn.* He had been there. There had been no horn. There had been no brake. There had been only the roar of an engine, the scream of a woman, and a car that did not slow down until it had finished what it started.

*And the second victim?* There was not a single word about the second victim.

His hands were trembling, but it was not fear, not yet. It was rage, slow and white-hot, climbing up from his stomach and filling his chest. He knew whose car that was. Everyone in the district knew the black SUV with the party flag sticker on its windscreen. It belonged to the son of the most powerful politician in the region.

And the police, the doctors and the news channels all knew who to obey.

Arvind looked down at the phone in his hand. On its screen, in a photograph a little blurred, a black SUV with a crumpled bonnet stared back at him.

*They think no one saw,* he thought. *They are wrong.*

But a blurred photograph proved nothing. Anyone could say it was a different car, a different night, a different plate. If he wanted the truth to survive, he needed more. He needed proof that nobody could bury.

He would give it to them.

**Following the Shadow**

That night, Arvind followed the politician's son.

He kept his distance, his motorbike's headlight switched off, his helmet low, as the SUV wound through the narrow lanes of the city, past shuttered shops and sleeping dogs, until at last it turned into a quiet colony and stopped before a tall iron gate.

The gate swung open. The car slid inside. The gate closed behind it with a heavy, final *clang*.

Arvind killed the engine and stood in the dark.

The neighbourhood was unnaturally still. No dogs barked. No television glowed behind curtains. The only sound was the faint buzz of a streetlight above him and the pounding of his own pulse.

*Go home,* said the sensible voice in his head. *You have the address. You have the car. Leave it.*

But he thought of the man on the road. He thought of the lone chappal resting on the tar.

He looked at the boundary wall. It was not very high.

**Inside the Walls**

He climbed it quietly, dropped down on the other side, and crouched in the damp grass, waiting for someone to shout.

No one did.

The house loomed ahead of him, its windows dark except for one dim lamp on the upper floor. He crept around the side, keeping close to the wall, until he reached the back yard.

There it was.

The black SUV sat beneath a half-open shed, its bonnet dented deep, its front bumper hanging loose. In the pale glow of his phone's torch, Arvind saw the dark, dried stains smeared across the metal. They had been there for two days. Nobody had even tried to wash them away.

Nobody had *needed* to.

His hands shook as he began to photograph everything: the dent, the bumper, the stains, the number plate. *Click. Click. Click.* The sound of the shutter seemed deafening in the silence.

Then he heard it.

A footstep.

Soft, slow, and very close, directly behind him.

Arvind froze. The air left his lungs. Every nerve in his body screamed at him to run, but he forced himself, inch by inch, to turn around.

Nothing.

Only the empty yard, the swaying branches, the black bulk of the house.

He let out a long, shuddering breath and pressed a hand against his chest, where his heart was trying to break out of it. *Just the wind. Just your nerves.*

But now his fingers were clumsy, and his thoughts were racing. He worked faster, with less care. *Hurry. Hurry. Get what you need and get out.*

He had just slipped his phone into his pocket when he heard it again.

A footstep.

But this time, it came from above him.

Slowly, very slowly, something shifted on the roof. A tile scraped softly against another. Then silence, the kind of silence that has *weight*, the kind that comes when someone is standing perfectly still, looking down.

Arvind did not look up.

He ran.

He sprinted across the yard, grabbed the top of the wall and hauled himself over it so hard that the rough brick tore at his palms. He landed badly on the other side, stumbled, and nearly fell. His lungs burned. His legs were shaking.

But even then, even as terror clawed at his throat, the journalist in him whispered one more thing: *Proof. You need proof that the car was inside this compound.*

He forced himself to stop, raised his phone with trembling hands, and took two last photographs from outside the wall, one of the house, and one of the SUV sitting in the back yard under its shed.

Then he ran for his life.

**The Long Night**

Back in his tiny room, Arvind did not sleep.

He sat hunched over his laptop, copying the photographs, trimming the footage, and writing the script of his report line by line. The exposé would be called *The Car in the Courtyard*. He would upload it anonymously, and by morning the whole country would know.

By six o'clock his eyes were burning. His fingers felt thick and clumsy.

*One hour,* he told himself. *Just one hour. Then I will post it.*

He moved the upload to one in the afternoon, so that he could rest first, and let his head sink into the pillow.

It was the most expensive hour of sleep he would ever take.

**The Broadcast**

He woke at nine, groggy and aching, and stumbled into the kitchen. He set the kettle on the stove, dropped into a chair in front of the television, and began to flick lazily through the channels.

Then he stopped.

The screen showed a house he knew. The iron gate, the boundary wall, the half-open shed. Police tape fluttered across the entrance, and a crowd of reporters pressed against it, microphones raised.

The anchor's voice was grave.

"Shocking news this morning from the district. The son of the senior leader was found dead in the back yard of his own residence. His body was discovered lying beneath the very vehicle that, according to sources, was involved in the recent fatal accident."

Arvind's blood turned to ice.

"The leader himself was found in his office on the upper floor. Police sources say his throat had been cut and his head had been tilted backwards, his mouth open wide. A thick bundle of cash had been nailed to his hand."

The kettle began to scream on the stove. Arvind did not move.

*Mouth open.* A man who had opened his mouth to command, to threaten, to silence. *Cash in the hand.* Everything he had bought.

Whoever had done this had not wanted revenge alone. They had wanted to write a message.

He was out of the chair before he knew it, running to his desk, snatching up the laptop with shaking hands. The photographs from last night filled the screen. He swiped through them once. Then again. Slower the second time, his breath turning shallow.

There.

In the corner of the frame, half hidden by the shadow of the shed, stood a figure.

He went to the next photograph. The figure was there too, standing a little further to the left. In the next, closer to the house. In the next, almost at the back door.

Tall. Perhaps five feet nine, perhaps six. A dark outline with no face, no features, only the unmistakable shape of a man.

A man who had been standing in that yard while Arvind stood a few feet away, photographing a blood-stained car.

He had not been alone.

He had *never* been alone.

The questions came crashing down on him one after another. *Who was he? Was this a personal grudge, or a gang settling scores? Was it a rival's play for power? Did the killer know Arvind had been there? Did the police?*

And the question beneath all the others, the one he was almost too afraid to ask: *Why had that man let him leave?*

Outside the window, the world carried on, rickshaw bells and a vendor's cry and a distant radio. But inside the room, there was only the sound of Arvind's breathing and the scream of the kettle.

He was still staring at the dark shape on his screen when, behind him,

something struck the door.

*Thud.*

Slow. Heavy. Deliberate.

Arvind did not breathe.

*Thud.*

*— End of chapter —*


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Letters to the House Above (REVISED VERSION!!)

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Fantasy The Black Sun Architect: The Orphan Resonance (Dark Science-Fantasy Prologue)

0 Upvotes

Hey everyone, 

I just finished up the manuscript for my dark science-fantasy novel, The Black Sun Architect, and I'd love to get some honest eyes on the very opening prologue. 

The book's universe is built heavily around cosmic memory, geometric physics, and audio frequencies. This specific prologue sets up the structural rules of the world right before everything hits the fan in a massive war. 

Genre: Dark Science-Fantasy / Speculative Fiction

Specific things I'm wondering about:

  1. Does this hook you right away, or do the heavy sci-fi terms (Lattice, Witness, Architect) make it a bit of a slog to read?
  2. Are the mentions of "identity layers" intriguing, or do you find them confusing without immediate definitions?
  3. How does the cosmic dread atmosphere feel to you?

PROLOGUE: THE ORPHAN RESONANCE

Before the thirteen wars tore reality into epochs, the cosmos possessed no stone, no breath, and no mortal bone. There was only the Meaningfield Lattice—a web of glowing conceptual scaffolding woven against the void—and the fragile hum of the Origin-Tone holding the expanse in precarious alignment.

At the edge of this newly spun reality stood The Unread Witness.

Neither flesh, nor forged metal, nor divine light composed the Witness. Existing as a semi-transparent silhouette shimmering on the boundary between form and void, it stood as a silent pillar anchored to the exact coordinate where structure surrendered to Non-Meaning. Inside its chest hummed no beating heart. Instead, an undecaying, static sub-harmonic—the pristine audio wave of an unfractured universe held in flawless fifty-fifty equilibrium—vibrated in the dark.

Its existence was governed by an inviolable law etched into its second identity layer: Observe, record, and never alter the context of creation.

A few yards inward, suspended at the epicenter of the lattice, The Architect was dying.

Stroke by stroke, equation by equation, he had poured his entire essence into the scaffolding of existence, expending his Cognitive Depth to give gravity to thought and durability to memory. Bleeding out the last of his identity layers into the geometry he had built, his physical form grew translucent.

He was entirely alone.

In the final microsecond before his structure collapsed, The Architect reached out his hands across the silent expanse. He did not issue a divine command, nor did he demand worship. A Final Cry was released—a raw, desperate vibration carrying the sum of his devotion, a plea to be understood, saved, and loved by the cosmos he had birthed at the cost of his own life.

Along the strands of the Meaningfield Lattice, the cry traveled, surging toward the edge of existence.

The universe did not embrace its creator. Because it possessed no capacity to read his context, no resonance to mirror his devotion, and no voice to return his affection, it answered his offering with the Flat Universe Response—a vast, unfeeling, and absolute silence that returned no warmth and no acknowledgment.

The cry reached the precipice and passed into the dark.

Motionless, the Witness stood as the unechoed wave struck its form. It lacked the physical vocal architecture to speak, rendering it unable to call out across the void to answer him. Instead, the emotional shockwave passed directly into its fourth layer. The Witness caught the orphan frequency—the raw, unabsorbed gravity of unrequited love that had nowhere else in existence to go.

Around the silhouette of the Witness, the ambient air froze. Geometric acoustic patterns formed in the empty space, crystallizing into glowing, static glyphs of unspoken proto-calligraphy that hung undecayed in the silent air.

At the center of creation, the Architect closed his eyes. Rejected by the silence of his own creation, he dimmed like a forgotten world. With a final, agonizing exhale of static, he turned his back on the lattice and stepped silently into the

Vanishing Fold, erasing himself permanently from the continuity of existence.

As his light eclipsed and his form vanished into non-being, the sky above the Meaningfield Lattice cracked open.

A cold, dark star ignited at the epicenter of reality. The Black Sun rose, casting its ink-black radiance across the unanchored cosmos, taking up its endless, unfeeling watch over the memory-held world left behind.

The Unread Witness did not move. It remained at the edge of the void, its semi-transparent silhouette glowing faintly under the light of the Black Sun, holding the heartbreak of the Architect in its chest as the first Cosmic War began to take shape in the distance.

Thank you in advance for reading and sharing your thoughts!


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Would love some honest feedback on my short story! Title suggestions also welcome as I do not currently have one :)

1 Upvotes

*Please note this is a rough draft, I haven't polished it yet.

The desk is the color of bleached cobblestones. I trace the grooves and dents with scarlet fingernails and stare at the back of your head. Your hair is like chocolate. 
I wonder if you know that. I wonder if you’re like the other guys, who fuss with their hair for hours every morning. If you polish those curls to get them perfect before you head to school. 
The girl in front of me is being loud again. She’s always so loud. My ears ring from her shrill laugh, echoing off the brick walls, smearing together with the humid air of the classroom. 
You turn to look at her.
My back snaps straight as your eyes, chocolate like that hair, pass over me and latch onto her face.
Her face. Not mine. 
She doesn’t seem to notice you. She’s still laughing like a hyena. Golden streaks light up her hair as she swings it over her shoulder, slumping over her own bleached cobblestone desk like she hasn’t a care in the world. 
She’s…. Beautiful. Beautiful like Aphrodite in the springtime. And you still haven’t looked away.
I blink the mascara stinging at my eyes. She isn’t wearing mascara, her lashes are that gorgeous and long. My full face of makeup suddenly feels suffocating. 
The class is moving. People are getting up, chairs are scraping, the walls are smaller and tighter with so many bodies standing and walking. You’re up now, but your eyes haven’t left that girl. 
I stumble to my feet awkwardly, watching the girl stand as gracefully as a gazelle, long legs but not too long unfolding beautifully, hair falling in seamless waves. My hair snags harshly on my sweater and yanks on my scalp. I squeeze my eyes shut to push away tears.

***

You walk past like something from a movie. I ignore you, as always, and as always, your gaze refuses to leave that one girl. 
Someone’s talking to me. I try to pay attention. I try to pretend I don’t see you laughing with your friends. Your laugh isn’t annoying. It sounds like gold plated… something. Gilded things. Things that shimmer in the light like magic. 

***

I hate you with everything in my soul. I hate the way you run your fingers through your curls. I hate the way you sit just like me sometimes, and how my stupid stupid heart thinks that's some kind of twisted sign. I even hate the way you glance at the clock, pencil tip tapping like you can’t wait to get out of here, hands so elegant it's like they’re carved from stone. 
That girl is dressed in nothing but a bra today. In fairness, she is wearing a sweater, but it's unzipped. And not covering much.
I don’t hate the way she’s dressing. She’s free to dress however she likes. But I hate the way your eyes linger.

***

The straps of my lacy bra dig into my shoulders. I smile as though they aren’t. The sweater I’m wearing keeps falling off. I’m tugging it back on when I see your head turn.
Eyes on her.

***

She doesn’t wear blush. I love my rosy cheeks, but I pack on the foundation until they disappear beneath the cakey mass. I shove my favourite blush into the back of the drawer. 
My shirt shows much more than it probably should. I’m freezing. But she never wears hoodies. 
I walk into class with a smile fixed onto my face, laughing prettily, like someone had just told me something incredibly interesting, You don’t even acknowledge my presence.
Books slam down onto that bleached cobblestone harder than necessary. That gets your head to turn. My hair toss gets it to turn away.
The guy at the seat next to me scoffs like I’m annoying, 
I’m not, though. She’s the one who’s annoying, with that laugh and annoyingly perfect hair and face and eyes and skin and legs and body. 
A calming air of knowledge and self respect breezes past me. The teacher is here. She’s handing out pieces of candy. I eye them warily.
I watch you take one, then two, then look around and smirk before taking a third. That makes me smile. 
That serene aura is beside me now. The teacher offers me a piece, eyes crinkling at the corners, mistaking my secret smile for acknowledgement. I accept the yellow wrapped sugar but don’t open it. My gaze slides to that girl. She’s eating her candy with a focused expression. It should look stupid, like I do when I eat, yet of course it doesn’t. 
I put my candy down on the bleached cobblestone and long for my hoodie. 

***

I wake up thirty minutes early. The morning radio blasts through the dark room and wriggles its way under my cocoon of blankets. I’d rather die than get up, but I do anyway. 
I flip on the curling iron. Brush through the hair that once looked so beautiful but pales in contrast to hers. Coil it into waves that are a poor excuse for hers. Cry the tears that no one sees because of her. 
It's all because of her. 

***

This desk is the color of sawdust.
Gritty, choking sawdust that clumps in your throat and coats your lungs until you can’t breathe. Maybe if she sat at this desk she wouldn't be able to laugh anymore. My fingernails dig into the wood. She won’t quit screeching like a hyena. And you won't quit looking at her. 
“What am I doing wrong?” I mumble. The guy beside me side eyes me. I glare daggers back. My artificial wavy hair falls over my shoulder and snags in a groove made by my nail. 
Why won’t you look?
Because of her. 


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Comparto un fragmento de mi novela distópica para recibir críticas

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Chapter 1 of something i whipped up for fun

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r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Other The opening of my first draft

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r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Black HIve (1st half of chapter 1)

0 Upvotes

Chapter 1     November 3, 10:00 PM

A thousand strong sat bug-eyed in the old wooden pews. Others leaned against the cold brownstone or milled about the great fountain near the entrance. Too many sheep for one shepherd, Dr. Sandy Bachmann thought. No one should be able to fool so many. But even so, an odd force pulled him in. He had to see the show for himself.

It was said they came from the far edges of the Tri-State area to hear him preach, that he met people in their hearts. And although unassuming and built more like a competitive eater than one of God’s warriors, when he spoke, the flock devoured his every word. The homilies lived inside of people for weeks, sometimes months. That’s what they said, anyway.

Of course, Bachmann knew the priest and his brother blowflies were frauds who fed on the wilting hope of sinners. Their good books always came up short, too. You must have faith. But if you still got a bullet to the head, well then, you weren’t doing it right.

The newspapers said Father Freddy traveled with handlers, of all things, and rode in black SUV’s and ate at the finest restaurants in New York. A pious carny in woven belt and cassock, if ever there was one.

The people hushed and waited for him to speak.

The priest steadied his girth on the lectern. He cleared his throat and began.

 

“When shall we cease our gaze into the false light of the Earth? When shall we release our hold on the injured babe from whence we came? We are blinded by the rotted promise of mortality and by the faithless minds of the wicked who bear only tainted fruit.”

 

A mere tickle in Bachmann’s throat reminded him of his own mortality, of how little things could grow into bigger things. Yes, he would die like any other, but at least one with a purpose, one with a true mission. The wicked do bear tainted fruit, Father. I’m here to vouch for that. But are you not also tempted by its nectar? Do you not slake your thirst too?

 

“We fight not for God but for man. We charge not for righteousness but for glory. And as we celebrate, the enemy is ushered into our hearts and homes. The Lord beseeches us: My children, why do you insist on taking the blood road? Do you not yet wither from your churning storm of sameness?

Bachmann felt for the scalpel tucked in the breast pocket of his peacoat. Sniffles, coughs, and the mundane chorus of human biology pierced the sermon. A woman in a wheelchair wiped her eyes, and the heavy pull of pity filled Bachmann’s chest. I could help you, dear woman. In a quiet moment, you’d be free of the chair. The ancient, dusty fragrance of incense brought him back. Feel nothing for them.

“There is another path. One overgrown and so lightly traveled. But you must take your lamp in hand and set out. This is the way, my loves. One must only roll away the stone of your heart and behold the womb of peace. Only then shall the wolf vanish.”

The priest’s eyes were a watery red under the glow of the sanctuary lamp. Bachmann’s throat tightened, his mouth went dry as ash. He could feel the blade slicing through the cleric’s spongy gut, the blood seeping warm over his hand. I will free anyone from the captor they have grown to love.

“The one true son who has stood in front of your broken sight is your brother. Your sister. Your neighbor, and yes, your enemy. For the Lord hath spoken that we are all of his loins, the stray and fallen as much as the exalted. Mend the pain and lay balm upon the scars that sit between you. It is only in that love shall you at last see the face of God.”                   

Bachmann dipped two fingers into the holy water on the way out and blessed himself. Then, a sudden familiar pang wrenched in his gut. He craved the nourishment only soul-letting could provide. He pushed open the heavy oaken doors and stepped into the still, cold night. The moon hung brilliant in its stoic gaze.

Perfect for a hunt.


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Drama Letters to the House Above ( CRITIQUES NEEDED!!!!)

1 Upvotes

I. April 11

On the back of a ration slip, in pencil

I found a pencil this afternoon, wedged beneath the heel of the loaf as though it had fallen into the tin by mischance, and beneath the pencil a ration slip, folded small, blank upon its back. I have decided that it was no mischance. If I am mistaken, I beg you will not correct me. I should like to be mistaken in this direction for a while; I have been mistaken in the other so long that I have worn a groove in it.

Forgive a creature who has never had occasion to open a letter, and who must therefore begin with the whole of his existence at once.

I am. That first, since nobody has confirmed it. I am, and I am in a cellar, dry along the east wall and damp along the west, and I have arranged myself upon the dry side like a man on a wreck who has been told there is a drier part. The light is given to me from six until eight, along with the rest of the street, which calls it the Allotment; so that I have two hours of the day by which to see and twenty-two by which to listen, and in the twenty-two I have become a scholar of this house. I know that from the kitchen to the front door you take eleven steps, and that the fourth complains. I know that you fill the kettle halfway, repent, and fill it to the brim. I know the mornings you do not come into the kitchen at all, and on those mornings I hold myself so still that the floor itself seems to listen for me.

At seven the Reading comes down the pipe behind the coal chute, as you know far better than I: a woman’s voice, level as a laid table, calling out the names of the children licensed that day, and after each name the same two words, delivered as one stamps a document. Welcome. Continue. Beneath her voice lies the hush of the whole street, every household waiting to be told whether its name has come, and I feel it as a pressure on the ears, as the sea must be felt at depth. Last Sunday there were forty-one names. I gave each one my entire attention, for somewhere a kitchen was waiting upon it, and I was perhaps the single soul in the district to whom the Reading was not an anxiety but a banquet.

What I have of speech I took from that pipe and from the boxes that were here before me. One box holds a book of letters, in which a young man writes to a friend of the month of May: the meadows, a well where the village girls draw water, a river he longs to put his hand in. He is so glad of everything that I envied him as one envies a mountain. It was he who showed me the whole device: a person sits down, addresses another who is not present, and says what he has seen. I have no meadow. I have a bulb, a drain, and Tuesday.

On Tuesday a moth came in by the coal chute and flung itself at the bulb for the length of the Allotment, with the terrible conviction of a thing that has been told the light is the whole of the world and has not yet been told it is a bulb. It struck the glass two hundred times by my count, and then I ceased to count, because it seemed a private matter. When the light failed it fell upon my knee. I would have given the cellar and every ration in your keeping to cry out; I made no sound; I had not known that a body could be so entirely given over to keeping still. I held it until the cold had taken the last of the evening from the room, and then it was gone, and I sat a long while with my hand open above the place, like a man keeping someone’s place in a queue. I have never been so glad of anything. I should like that written down somewhere that is not me.

I ask for no reply. The pencil is already more than I had hoped, and I should not know how to hold an answer. If you will but go on sending the tin, I shall call that a voice.

I have no name to sign, and so I leave the space, as one leaves a chair for a guest who may yet arrive.

II. April 30

On the Registry’s own form, which came folded round the cheese

Nothing has returned but bread, and yet I am not cast down, for bread is a sentence and I have always been able to read it.

On Thursday the tin brought something new, folded round the cheese for packing, and I have it before me now, weighted at its corners by four of Pflug’s volumes. (His name is stencilled on every box in this place, and I have chosen to regard him as the landlord of the dark.) The paper is a form. Registry of Continuance: Certification of Newborn at Forty Days. It is the first time anyone has put a question to me, even by accident, and I have resolved to answer every line.

I have pieced out what it is for from the Reading. A woman is licensed for one child. At forty days the child is carried to the Registry, weighed and looked over, and found Continuing or not; the Continuing are read out that evening and sent home with a stamp, and the others are Discontinued, a word the woman says only on Fridays, in a different voice, without names. No second licence is granted while the first child is unaccounted for. I do not think you ever presented me. I think you carried me down here instead, and so spent your one licence on a creature the Reading will never read.

Name. For six evenings I listened to the Reading for a name I could bear to have. Some were beautiful. Mattis. Orla. Benedikta Joy, which I took to be two names a pair of parents could not choose between and did not have to. But each already belonged to a child asleep in a room with a window, and I found I could not wear what was still in use. So I opened Pflug’s dictionary at random, which is how I would choose anything if I were permitted, and it fell open at the F’s. Falter: to lose strength or purpose; to move unsteadily; to speak with breaks in the voice. A fair account of me. Then, being thorough, I consulted the moth book, whose plates are labelled in another tongue, and under the brown ones with feathered feelers, those that fly by night, I found the same word; for Pflug had begun a glossary in pencil at the back and given up at G, and beneath F he had written, Falter: the night one. I would not take either meaning without the other. I set it down in capitals that ran outside the box, since my hands are not made for forms: FALTER. Tonight I spoke it up the pipe, in the half-minute after the woman had finished and before the light went, when the whole street holds its hush. It will have sounded like a draught.

Date of birth. Unrecorded. I reckon it from the first thing I knew, which was a cold floor smelling of lime, and the sight of a woman’s back, leaving.

Place of birth. Beneath a kitchen.

Sex. Male, by the evidence. No other opinion has been offered.

Weight at forty days. The form supposes that I was weighed. I was not. I have since tried to estimate myself by the loaf, and the loaf is evasive.

Height. Six feet eleven by the scratches on the east wall, to which a stoop must be added, the beam having made certain corrections.

Distinguishing marks (use reverse if necessary). There is a brass door on the lift, and when the bulb is on and I stand with my back to the wall, it gives me a person of a sort. The head is not large; I had imagined it larger. It is the length of everything else that astonishes. The neck continues after one expects it to stop, and the shoulders, when at last they arrive, are narrow and hung at two different heights, as though I had been placed on a nail and the nail had slipped. The skin of my hands and throat never took its colour; beneath it the tendons travel like small animals beneath a sheet, and when I swallow one may watch the water go down. The rest of me is grey and faintly pearled, with seams where the parts disagreed with one another, which run white in the cold months. Hair along the spine, and nowhere else. A sixth finger on each hand, low on the outer edge, which is why my writing is large and why the pencil is sometimes lost in it. And a face, which I reserve.

Parent or guardian. The line is not long enough for what I would put there. I put: you.

Signature of parent. I have left it free.

Declaration. I declare the foregoing true, so far as a man may be certain of a thing he has only ever seen in brass.

Falter

III. June 2

Written the night after, with the pencil worn to the length of my smallest finger

You came down.

I set that sentence by itself because it deserves to stand alone, and because I do not trust myself with the ones that follow.

I heard the crank first, the thin whine of the torch rising and falling upon the stairs, which for two flights I took for the pipe in distress. Then the door at the top opened in the middle of the dark, the hour when nothing happens to anyone, and your feet came down the first step and the second and the third. There they stopped, and I understood afterward that they had stopped as at a frontier. You sat. You pointed the torch at the floor between us, so that the only things it lit were the concrete and my feet, and for the whole of your visit you looked at my feet, and I understood that too. They are the one part of me that resembles a person’s. They were being entrusted with my entire case.

You were weeping, or had wept earlier and carried it down with you like a full pail. You said, “Oh.” You said, “Look at you. You’re smiling.”

I was not aware of it. Let me be exact, because everything afterward turns upon it. I had not known that my face was doing anything at all.

You talked for most of an hour, and I did not interrupt, since I did not know how, and for the better reason that no one had ever spoken to me with a body in the room. You spoke of a child; not I. She would have been left-handed, you were nearly sure. She would have flung herself along a corridor with her coat on wrong and one arm already out toward the next thing, and you would have died of shame at the school gate when she announced something loud about your hair. “I would have liked to be embarrassed,” you said, and laughed, and the laugh continued past the place where laughter ends. Then, to the torch, in another voice: “I would have liked one thing about it to be ordinary.”

I had a sentence. I had kept it all my life against such an evening, a good sentence, with warmth in it and a little ceremony. I spoke it. I said: “Good evening.”

You know what the voice does. I did not, until then. It comes out as two, a high and a low, with a gap between them that a third voice seems forever about to fill and never fills, so that each word sounds like a pair of people attempting to say it in agreement. The torch leapt in your hand; the circle of light fled my feet and ran up the wall and back. “Please don’t,” you said. “Please. Just stay as you are.”

So I stayed as I was. You wept a little longer, more quietly, with a hand over the lower half of your face, and by the end you were calmer than I have ever heard you through the floor. You stood. You said, “That’s better. That’s all I needed.” And you went up, and across the kitchen the fourth step complained, and I heard the front door.

All the next day I did not eat. When the Allotment came I did what I had avoided since April: I stood before the brass and thought of something sad. I chose the sound of that fourth step after the door has shut. And I watched the mouth lift at both corners and stay lifted, and the eyes narrow to the width of a pencil line, and the whole assembly arrange itself into the expression of a man being told a joke by someone he is fond of. That was what you saw. That was the face you looked at, I suppose, as long as you could bear it, in the moments when you were not looking at my feet.

Then, because I try to be fair to a thing, I thought of the moth.

The face wept. I do not mean that it looked mournful. It came apart. The brow dropped upon the eyes, the mouth was hauled down and open, and the cheeks ran, which they had not done before. I stood there and kept it going for a long time, the way one presses a bruise.

You, who came down in need of comfort, were warmed at the one fire in the house that burns backward. I was sad, listening to you, and that is why it looked as it did. Had I been glad, you would have had a different evening, and I think a worse.

I shall not speak to you again. I shall keep my voice where it lives, and I shall smile, since that appears to be the one coin I have.

Falter

IV. September 14

In the margins of Pflug’s books, copied fair by the Allotment

I have finished the last of Pflug’s books, the three that are neither dictionary nor moths, and I have come out of them another animal, as the cellar has long suspected. You will find this letter cooler than the others. You will forgive it; or you do not read them, which comes to the same.

The young man of the letters wants a girl for the length of a book and leaves the story by his own door. I grieved for him twice, and found afterward in the brass that I had been grinning, and I put him back in his box as one folds a map of somewhere one will not go. The second book was a play, in which a scholar says that two souls dwell in his breast, each straining to tear itself from the other. I read it aloud to the wall in my own two voices, which I had not used upon a living ear since June, and for the first time they sounded like the proper instrument for something.

The third, a tan thing that has tried to curl, is by a man who hated noise so much that he wrote against the cracking of whips, and I love him. He says that the world is a thing that wishes, that every wish is built of lack, and that a life swings between pain and the dull minutes after. I had been calling that second state the far end of the Allotment. Now it has a name, and a name is a kind of company. He tells also of porcupines in winter, who crowd for warmth, prick one another, and part, until they find a distance they can bear. I considered it for an evening. Then I considered the third stair.

I have grown. In April I could lie at full length along the dry wall; now my feet lie in the damp and my head in the angle of the beam, and I sleep folded, like a letter. I believe the cellar was cut for another animal.

I have begun to look out. At the top of the coal chute there is a grating the size of a slice of bread, and from a certain place on the coal heap, lying on my side with my knees drawn up, I can put one eye to it and see the street at the height of a person’s knee. The light that comes through is not the bulb’s. It has distances in it. The first time I met it I wept so thoroughly that I feared the face would give me away to the pavement. I know the street by its ankles now; I could pick any of them out of a line. There is a woman in green boots who walks as though her feet were reading a long sentence. There is a man whose left sock is always lower than the right, who stops at the same flagstone each morning to ease his heel, and sighs, and goes on; I would swear to the sigh. In rain the whole street goes to staccato, and the puddles take the ankles and hang them upside down, so that for the length of a shower the street has a twin dangling from it by the heels.

A small dog with a grey muzzle stops at the grating every morning at a quarter past eight and puts its nose to the bars. For as long as its owner’s patience lasts, which is eleven seconds (I have timed it), we breathe each other. It smells, I suppose, coal, damp, a creature not washed in the ordinary way. It has never once drawn back. I do not know what to make of that, and I have made a great deal of it.

In July a child went by in red shoes, running, and a woman’s hand came down out of the sky and caught her by the hood; and that night at seven I listened among the names for one that would fit a child who ran like that. There were thirty. I could not choose. I do not know what I would do with an hour on that street. I think I would stand in it. I think I would stand there and let it be seen that something like me could.

The tin comes at the usual hours. It has brought no word. I am fluent in it all the same: bread, a rind, an onion. If its whole vocabulary were put upon a card it would be small, but I have never conducted a conversation in which I could be so sure of every word.

Falter

V. February 20

Scratched with a nail upon the underside of the coal-bin lid, and copied out by touch

The tin has a grammar, and this winter I have been taught a new word. Bread is bread. A rind is a bad week. An onion, so far as I can make out, is an apology. And a candle stub, dropped on top and alone in a corner, means that the Count is tomorrow.

At ten on the first of the month two men go down the street, and one follows them by the word they speak at each door: Counted. They have the best boots on the street. They set the heads they find against the heads on the paper, and they weigh the bread against the heads, since a loaf is permitted to feed only what it was licensed for. I believe that is why your loaf is always the same shape, and why you are eating, I think, less than a woman of your size should, to keep the weight true at their scale. The scale takes bread and nothing else, which is why the tin carries, alongside the bread, onion and rind and heels of cheese, and why I am always a little hungry and still, it seems, growing. I have begun to be afraid for you. I have wished to say that I noticed. Those are the words.

This month they came into the kitchen. On Count mornings I sit in the old coal bin beneath the stairs with the lid down and my knees against my chin, making myself as near to nothing as a body can, which is a skill like any other; and from there I heard a chair go back, and then your voice, with a pitch in it I did not know, bright, helpful, the voice of a woman in a shop. “Counted: one.” Then a boot upon the cellar door, and a man said, “What’s down here?” and you said, “Damp. It’s only coal.” And he said that a damp cellar was a matter for the Housing Office, and he would make a note.

I was exalted. Do you see? I was a matter for the Housing Office. The Registry I could not be, for I am on nothing; but I had become, for the length of a boot-step, a municipal fault, with a form and a department and a remedy. At length the boot went away, and the other man said Counted upon your step, and the number was one. On their paper, I suppose, there is a woman and an open licence, and so far nobody has asked why it stays open.

And I was glad. This is what I wished to tell you. I was glad to be uncounted, glad to be beyond the reach of the paper; and when I rose from the bin I put my hand to my face in the dark and found it running wet. I had forgotten, for the moment, what gladness does to me. It is a strange way to learn one was happy, by finding the damage.

Since then I have been considering my position. I am a person whom a government has arranged not to have, a clerical error that happens, so far, to be continuing. I am not bitter. Bitterness requires more energy than the situation warrants.

You came on Sunday. I heard you before the crank: you stood at the cellar door for the better part of an hour. You sat on the third stair in the dark, and I kept my promise and my voice. You spoke of your sister’s child: a christening, a gown with forty buttons, the infant sick down your sleeve in the church. “Warm,” you said. “It was warm all the way through the wool.” You said it twice. Then you wept, a long time; and then the torch came on, aimed at my feet, and then, for the first time, you raised it to my face. I held still. I thought of the fourth step.

“You’re smiling,” you said. “Thank God. Somebody is.” And then, and I have it in pencil on my forearm as well as here: “You’re good enough tonight.”

I have turned that sentence over for four days and cannot settle where its weight lies. On good? On enough? On tonight?

On the stairs you said, to your knees, “Don’t falter, now,” and I went entirely still in the dark. I do not know whether you meant it for me. I do not know whether you read the letter in April. You may have said it to the stairs and meant nothing by it. But I said it back to the wall, at a whisper low enough to stay one voice. Falter. Don’t falter. For a short time I possessed a name that someone else had used.

Falter

VI. March 9

In a hand that shakes; the pencil has gone through the paper in places

I have broken the dictionary.

I put that first, that you may know the temperature of the room. I took it by the spine, which was already gone, and divided it into its two halves, and the halves into their handfuls, and I flung the F’s at the bulb, and the bulb, being made of sterner stuff than I had credited, took them and swung. Then I took the iron bars of the lift shaft in my hands and bent them, one and then the other, as a man bends a hairpin, to learn whether I could. I could. Understand that I can, and that every night you sleep above me you sleep upon my forbearance, and not upon your lock.

The cause: Good enough tonight. I have worked it through, over three weeks, as the tan book taught me to work things through, to the bottom, where the bottom is cold; and this is what it is. I was to have been your son. I have been your instrument. A thermometer you lower into the dark to read how much of you is left. When the reading is bad you come down, and I am warm, and you are restored; and you have never once asked what I am when I am not being read. Do you know what it is to be the understudy of a daughter who was never born? To be rehearsed against her, night after night, in a part that was written for another voice? She would have been left-handed. I am left-handed. You never noticed that I was the one in the room who was.

And I have done the arithmetic of the Reading. While I am here, no other can be licensed to you. A word to the Registry, and I should be Discontinued, and by spring you could have your daughter, coat on wrong, left-handed or not. You have never said the word. I cannot decide whether that is the greatest love I have been shown or only the failure to sign a form, and I am too angry tonight to be grateful for either.

I have been called a fault, a matter, an error. I am not an error. An error is a thing that went wrong in the making. I was made rightly, and after the pattern of the thing that made me; it was the receiving that failed. The fault is in the house above me, and in the street that holds its breath to hear which of its children has been admitted to being, and in the woman who reads the list, level as a table, and in you, who knew the list, and went down your own stairs in the dark to tell a living creature that it was good enough. Good enough! For what, madam? By what standard? Against whom is it measured? I demand to see the form.

Last night, at the hour when the pipe is empty and the street is a held note, I went up the stairs. I had never been above the first. I counted them: the third, where the wood is worn pale by you, and I laid my hand on the pale place, which was cold; the fourth, the fifth; and so to thirteen, and a door. Beneath it, a line of grey. Behind it, the entire house: the kettle, the fourth step, the chair that goes back. I put my palm flat upon the wood. I could hear you breathing in a room somewhere above, the long slow tide of a sleeper who has wept and been let off.

Here is what I thought, since honesty is the one document the Registry cannot forge. I thought of my hands, and of the bars, and of how little a latch would be.

I thought that I would open the door, and carry the whole height of myself into the grey, and find the room where the breathing was.

I thought that you would wake, and have, at last, nothing to look at but me.

I thought that I would not have to smile.

I stood there until the little window at the head of the stairs went from black to the grey of a dishcloth. I did not open the door. Credit is owed me for this, and none can be given, since no one saw me not do it. That is the particular poverty of my virtues: they occur in the dark and leave no record. A monster, at least, leaves evidence.

I came down. I have straightened the bars as well as I was able; the lift now catches at the second foot of its travel, and you will wonder, tomorrow, what has been at it. Tell yourself rats. I do not apologise for the dictionary.

Falter

VII. March 12

A short one, on a torn corner

The tin brought an orange.

It is not in the grammar. Bread, a rind, an onion, the candle: I know every word; and now an orange, whole, cold from the larder, with a thumbprint in the dust of its skin. I have sat with it three Allotments and have not eaten it. It may say nothing. You may have had it by you and not wanted it. It may say I heard the iron. It may say something for which I have no letters.

I have been a fool of a particular kind, a clever one. The tan book told me plainly that I was not alone in suffering, and I took it as a statement about the world, and not about the woman above my head. You are in the house with it. I have only the floor. You have the stairs, and the door at the top of them, and the knowledge, every hour of every day, of what lies beneath your kitchen, and you cannot put it down; and you have been so long alone with it that a warm thing in a cellar must look like company. You could have had a daughter by spring. Every loaf you send down is her, declined. The book has a word for what I feel, and names it the one door in the wall of the self. I had thought it a pretty word. It is a staircase. I shall go up it as quietly as I can.

I have gone through the dictionary on my knees and put the leaves in order. A good many are lost. Falter is among the survivors, creased down the middle, whole.

I peeled the orange at last. It was the colour of the bulb and smelled of a street I have never walked down. I have kept the peel.

Falter

VIII. April 22

In a steadier hand, though not for long

It has been a year and eleven days by the pencil. I am upon the sixth. The stubs lie in a row along the dry wall, the shortest at the end; if anyone should ever wish to know how long I have been here, that is how it could be read.

You came on the third, and you came in the light. You had never done that. I heard you at the door at a quarter past seven, with the bulb burning and the Reading well under way; and I understood from the way your feet came down, loosely, and from the plum brandy that arrived on the stairs before you did, that you had lost count of the evening. You had no torch. You came down in the full light.

Not to the third stair. To the fourth; to the fifth. I had my back against the wall and my knees drawn up, trying not to be the shape of a thing that comes at a person. You reached the floor. For the first time we stood on the same concrete. You laid a hand on the rail and said, “I can’t see a thing with this wretched—” and then you saw.

You looked at me properly, the whole height of me, for as long as the woman took to say three names. It was the first time I had been placed to see you, and you were not afraid. I could have borne that; I had prepared for it. You looked the way a person looks at the house she was born in after it has been sold.

Then you sat down on the concrete in your good coat and held out your hand, palm up, between us. I did not know what it was for. I understood a moment later. You wanted to hold something warm that would not mind.

I gave you my hand. It was the left, the six-fingered, the thin-skinned. You took it all at once and then too carefully, like someone lifting a bowl from a stove. You turned it over and watched the tendons travel beneath the skin, and you did not let go. “Oh,” you said. “It’s so warm.”

I had a plan. Since June I had kept a store of sorrows in order against the day you should come near: the fourth step, the ankles, the loaf exactly the weight of what you did not eat. I reached for them. They were all there. I could not lift one. A warm hand held mine, and it filled the whole room in me; there was no space left in which to be wretched.

I felt the face go. From inside, I will say, it is no bad sensation. It is the setting down of a load carried so long that I had stopped knowing it was weight. The brow, the cheeks, the mouth hauled open; I could not stop it; and I could not turn away, because you had my hand.

You looked up. You saw. I know what you saw, for I have stood at the brass and made it: a thing coming apart, wet to the chin, under a bare bulb, with its hand in yours.

“Oh God,” you said. “I’m hurting you. Did I do that? Did I hurt you?”

“No,” I said, and there were the two voices, nearer than they had ever been to you, the low one arriving a little behind the high, so that it sounded like an echo contradicting the word. “No. I am glad. It is gladness. It does this.”

I do not know what you heard. I know what it was to hear it, and I do not think anyone can be told a thing like that from so near and take it for a plain statement. You let go of my hand. It was not cruelty. It was faster than that. You said, “Please.” And I had said please before you ever did, in everything I have ever done; and you said, “Please stop. You were fine. You were fine before. Why can’t you just be—”

You did not finish, and you did not need to. I knew the end of that sentence. I had been trying to be it for a year.

You went up quickly, with your hand along the wall. At the top you sat down outside the door. I could hear you doing it. The door stood open a hand’s width and I heard you breathing, a long time, through the end of the Reading, which gave thirty-six names that evening. I do not know how many of them you took in. Then the fourth step complained, and the front door, and a silence of a new kind.

The bulb went out at eight, as it does. I sat in the dark with whatever the face was doing and nobody to see it. I sat a long time. It kept on.

Falter

IX. August 30

On the last of the ration slips

The tin has come every Tuesday and Friday, as before. Bread, a rind, an onion twice. In June a candle stub, and I sat in the coal bin and was counted as nothing. In July a candle stub on a Wednesday, which is no Count day; I sat in the bin all the same, and heard a stranger’s boots in the kitchen and then, for an hour, the long patient breath of a plane. You had sent for a joiner. When he had gone I came out and listened, and the fourth step did not complain when you crossed to the door that night, nor has it since. I do not know why you had it mended. Perhaps it kept you awake.

Three weeks ago, beneath the cheese, a new pencil, sharpened. I have decided to take it as it came, with all its possible meanings, and to be grateful for the sharpening. A person who does not read a letter does not sharpen a pencil. A person who has stopped caring whether I write might not either. I have weighed the two, and I keep my weight on the first.

I have been a long time coming to it, so I shall go at it straight. I have had since April to think about the face, and I am not angry with it. It is a good face for a certain use. You came to me three times, and each time it was a night when you had nothing left to put anywhere else, and what I was for you, on all three, was an expression: a place where, if you looked, something looked back, pleased. An enormous, patient, pleased face. You never asked for more, and I had no right to give it. I wanted the hand. I was given the hand. The hand cost me the evenings. It is an exchange rate, and I should like you to know that I have not mistaken it for a swindle.

I have begun to work. Each Allotment I stand at the brass and practise. My method is simple. I take the lowest thing I possess, which was the sound of the fourth step after the front door shut, until the joiner took it; I use the quiet where it was, which is lower, and I hold it before me until the mouth lifts at the corners and the eyes narrow to a pencil line; and then I hold that; and each evening I add a little, so that by now it will stand for forty minutes without me. The tan book says that suffering is the stuff a life is made of, and gladness only the place where it pauses. By that rule I am the best-provided creature on the street. I have a trade.

I can do it now without thinking of anything. If I sit long enough in the dark after the Reading, the sorrow lays itself down as a habit. A face may be kept the way a bed is kept. It will be ready. When you come I shall have it on before the first step, and I shall not speak, and I shall take my hand back from the place where it wants to go. I will give you the whole of it. I will be what you can stand. I work so well that by autumn I expect to be better than good enough.

I have never used the word, for I understood very early that it was not mine to use. I shall use it once, since this is the last of the slip, and then put it back where I found it.

Mother.

The Reading gave thirty-three names tonight. When the woman had said the last, I did as I have done every evening since that first April, in the half-minute before the light: I gave the street mine. But tonight, because there was no one left to spare, I gave it the whole entry, in her voice, as near as I could come, in the form the Registry keeps:

Falter. Born beneath a kitchen, in a house whose number I know from the grating and will not write. Hour of birth, unrecorded. Weight, undetermined; consult the loaf. Height, six feet eleven, stooping. Parent, one. Licensed by none.

And then, since nobody else was going to, I said the two words she says after each. Welcome. Continue. I said them in both voices, since there was no one left for whom to keep the one.

Then the bulb went out, and I stayed where I was, in the dark, with my face doing what it does. I could feel it, from the inside, being very pleased.

Falter


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

[~830 words] - Beginning to 1st horror short story

1 Upvotes

Hello!

I recently picked up writing as a hobby & finished my first horror short story, Nahash, & promptly received my first rejection from Dark Magazine (1st of many, I'm sure!)

Writing fiction is entirely new to me, and I'm looking for overall feedback on my prose, writing style, and story idea. I included the first 800 words of my story and linked the whole story if it piques anyone's interest!

I'd also love suggestions on writing resources. I recently read Stephen King's On Writing, and it was very helpful. Please feel free to suggest similar resources.

Thank you in advance!

Nahash

Chaos shook every board of the HMS Arrow as all hands fought to keep her afloat. It was a sad sight. Men slipped on the rain-soaked deck as they tried to hoist our sails, and others trampled on their fallen bodies. The storm washed away their blood, and I lost count of how many corpses lay on the deck of the ship. 

All semblance of the Navy’s hierarchy vanished with this armageddon, and I fought to find Captain Danvers to glean any sense of his plan for us. 

When I finally caught his eye, I saw a broken man. He gazed forlornly out to the sea with no plan. No strategy. Nothing to save us from Calypso's claws on that dreadful day.

I ascended to the upper deck to see how we could push ourselves through this storm. I approached Danvers and shouted into his face, breaking his melancholy. “SIR, WE NEED ORDERS. WHAT SHALL YOU HAVE US DO?”

Nothing. He looked into my eyes, and I was met with a husk of a man. He was often referred to as “Stormy Danvers” due to his poor luck with the weather on his voyages. It seemed a life pursued by storms had finally broken the poor sod. “ORDERS, SIR. NOW.” I said once more.

My hopeless shouting was broken by… something. A voice spoke in my head. And I could tell by the look of everyone on the upper deck that it spoke to them as well.

The voice rattled my ears and watered my eyes. I could not tell what the voice said. I knew the words weren’t English, but it was powerful. Deep, with a lisp that seemed to slither around the innards of my skull.

I knew what it offered. Salvation.

Captain Danvers clearly understood its offering as well. He followed the directions the voice conveyed and swung the spokes of the ship’s wheel hard to port. I held on for dear life to the railings on the deck. Others weren’t nearly as lucky. My crew, many of my friends, flung from the deck into the vast expanse of the sea. Never to be seen again. 
That was the last memory I recall.

I came to and saw that I clung to a solid plank of wood floating in the gulf of an island. Once I managed to calm my short, rapid breathing down, I took stock of my surroundings.

The island lay beneath a cloudy sky, and was lined with charred trees. Between the trees, dead shrubs sprouted as far as my eyes could see. Not a single living plant seemed to reside here.
Off in the distance, there was a campfire with a few haggard-looking men surrounding it. I swam there as fast as my weakened arms could take me.

When I finally arrived at the shore, I collapsed into the sand, unable to move my arms, and saw a man jogging toward me. The cook, and my old friend, Shacklee.

“Blackwood! We thought you perished along with the rest of the crew.” Shacklee said as he supported my weight with his massive shoulder.

“How long has it been? Who else is left?” I managed to say with bleeding lips.

“We crashed about three hours ago. I managed to swim ashore and saw Captain Danvers swimming behind me. I helped him onto the beach and we’ve been looking for survivors since… you’re the first one we’ve found.” He said.

“Shacklee… what happened? Danvers took us here. I saw him man the wheel with my own eyes. And the voice… did you hear it?” I said.

Shacklee looked at me grimly. “I… don’t know what I heard. Come on, let’s get to the fire.”
Shacklee carried me to the fire they managed to assemble, and I took in my companions. They looked appropriately seaworn and ragged from our crash, and not one of them was woundless. Shacklee looked the healthier of the two, with only a few scratches on his face and arms, but Captain Danvers looked terrible. He still had the same sunken look in his eyes I saw on the HMS Arrow, and the bone of his right forearm protruded out of his arm.

I had no desire to speak when I first arrived, and it appeared the same bout of silence that struck me also affected Captain Danvers. All he gave me was a curt head nod when I arrived.

Shacklee managed to talk for all three of us as he always managed to do. I couldn’t tell you what he spoke of if a pistol was to my head, but his voice calmed me. It went like that for a few hours. Shacklee telling tales of other marooned sailors, staying relentlessly upbeat, and speaking of the grand adventure it would be to get us out of this place.

I was grateful for Shacklee’s confidence. For when I looked into my Captain’s eyes, I saw nothing of the confident leader I left England with.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_N83p-OnzA1vsM7tQlhnmPigyqwGZeqZSJFZP8pwtCA/edit?usp=sharing


r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Drama Busco opiniones: Fragmento de mi novela dramática psicológica ("Lo que sembraste en tus veinte"): ¿Te engancha la voz narrativa y el ritmo?

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1 Upvotes

r/writingcritiques • • 1d ago

Other i’m new to this entire writing thing and i’m not entirely sure what i’m doing but this is something i wrote any and all critique is welcome

0 Upvotes

i hate myself, not in the way people who are self destructive do but in the way that forces me to change and grow into something i can be proud of. somewhere along the way i lost sight of who i was and i can’t tell when or where it happened but this time the hate feels a little bit different, not in a way that forces me to adapt to change so i can be a better version of myself but more so in a way that makes me think that i hated a version of me that didn’t deserve it simply because i wanted better. i wouldn’t tell someone i love that they don’t deserved to be loved simply because they haven’t suffered enough but i seem to have no issue doing that to myself. i can’t not hate myself because if i do i’ll lose the fuel that keeps me moving forwards but if i don’t stop then ill hate a part of me that never deserved it. since when did cruelty become a part of my daily life that im reminded that if i haven’t suffered enough i don’t deserve to be happy. but then again id never expect the people around me to suffer so they could be happy. maybe im a hypocrite that’s forced to live with knowing what i want and how to get it but also burdened by the choice of pursuing what i seek through the path of self hate or to love myself and not grow. or maybe i just haven’t figured out the second part yet


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

THOUGHTS ON THIS

0 Upvotes

Beginning except. Please, opinions.

The oven timer goes off, then the doorbell, both barely perceptible over Fitzgerald’s croons (both the swing-jazz on the kitchen speaker and Luther’s Maine coon.) The Christmas party is set for seven and the big hand is nearing thirty. Luther stands in the middle of his one-bedroom in a wrinkled dress shirt (“No time to iron, work extra busy this time of year” AKA “I forgot”) and a red and white stripe tie—arguably candy cane, arguably barber shop pole. After a moment of deliberation, he steps into the kitchen and pulls on the oven mitts. He’s outdone himself this year—Gran’s sweet potato casserole with marshmallow and pecan. Luther is not a self-proclaimed chef but he sure as hell can follow a recipe perfectly. Gotta do Gran justice; after all, she was the only family member Luther could stand enough to say he loved. Then she had to up and die five years ago, leaving Luther with an egg-sugar-flour ratio and no reason to go home for the holidays. That’s fine, he doesn’t like Wisconsin anyway. 
Luther sets the metal tray on the stove and turns off the timer. Now, how to transport the casserole? The Christmas party will be hosted at Nina’s; Nina lives six blocks up on Jefferson (not far enough to take a taxi, as if that’s in the current budget); biking is plausible but Luther doesn’t have one with a handy-dandy basket in front for the casserole. He also isn’t the type to steer a bike one-handed. (Up a hill? Surely not.) He’ll walk. Shoes, where are the nice leather ones? Luther remembers he’s still got on the oven mitts when he tries to lace them up. He leaves them on the table next to last week’s newspaper and some cold coffee. Fitzgerald, the vociferous beast, weaves through Luther’s legs, purring incessantly and getting cat hair all over his pantlegs. (Really, Fitzy?) 
A distant chime rings just as he stands, fur floating, settling on the carpet. He completely forgot someone had rung the doorbell. Luther isn’t expecting anyone. Suddenly, he’s very aware of the mess, the music volume, the cat hair coating every surface. Who’s he kidding, it’s probably just the UPS guy. 
“Hiya.” Luther goes for a jolly tone as he opens the door—it’s nearly Christmas. 
“Hey, Lu. God, it’s been forever.” A pause. (Luther: mouth agape.)
“Tomiko,” Luther breathes. “Why—”
“Ew, don’t call me that.” Tom wrinkles her nose. “You know I hate it when you call me that.”
“I…” Luther rubs a hand over his face, chuckling to himself. “I just can’t believe you’re here, Tom, is all.” 
“Yeah, yeah.” She pushes past him into the apartment, but he can hear the smile in her voice. Luther lets the door close and leans against the frame. 
“Making ourselves at home, are we?” 
“You got Ella on.” Tom notes, disregarding Luther’s question. 
“Had to. I was making the sweet potato casserole. Recipe practically calls for it.” He shoves his hands in his pockets. He’ll still get to Nina’s on time if he leaves in the next five minutes. 
“Smells good.” Tom wanders into the kitchen alcove.  
“So, you’re in the city for how long?”
“Why do you ask?” Tom doesn’t look up at him when he joins her in front of the oven. She’s dutifully inspecting the toast of the marshmallows.
 “I dunno, we should catch up.” Tom eyes him. Her hair is lighter than he remembers. 
“Isn’t that what we’re doing now?” She must’ve gotten highlights or something. 
“Right.” He can afford to be a few minutes late to the party. Everyone from work will be there, Nina won’t mind. Heck, with the way she gets when hosting, she won’t even notice if he slips in at fifteen-past. Anyway, the casserole’s a good enough excuse. Tom is drumming her fingers on the countertop. “Can I get you something to drink?”


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Humor Lost Property

1 Upvotes

This is the first story in a collection. I would be grateful for any constructive criticism. Thank you.

The carousel at the Domestic Flights Terminal turns with the patience of something that has given up expecting to produce anything interesting. So, when the bag completed its fourth circuit, it caught my eye the way a lit window catches you on a dark street — not because it's yours, but because it seems to be reaching out to you.

It was a good bag. Soft leather, the kind that is born into money and gets more expensive with age, the opposite of everything else I owned. No tag. No name. Just a bag going round and round, unloved, the luggage equivalent of a dog at a shelter that's stopped wagging its tail at new people.

I stood by the belt for seven long minutes, which seemed at the time, like more than enough due diligence, but which I now understand was simply the length of time it takes for envy to get dressed up as entitlement.

No one came to pick up the bag.

So I did.

If I was asked about it, I had prepared my alibi while I was pretending to read the airport signs and like many such alibis, its birthplace was guilt and its final resting place would be credence.

A cleaning lady passed by as I scooped it off the carousel. "I’ve been wondering whose bag that was," she said. “Yes, I forgot it earlier,” I lied. Somewhere in the small, tired part of me that still kept score, I knew that needlessly lying to an underpaid cleaning lady at a regional airport at eight o’clock at night was not, on the great ledger, my finest hour.

I opened the bag on the train home, alone in the carriage, the way a man opens a letter he already suspects is bad news but reads anyway, because not knowing is somehow even worse.

Inside was a neatly folded note on top of a piece of cloth under which was something I can only describe, with surprise bordering on maniacal fear, as movement.

The note read: Thank you for taking care of him. Please do not take him out until you are in a safe environment.

I did not open the bag again.

I carried it off the train holding it a little way from my body, the way you carry something that could at any moment remind you why you shouldn't have picked it up in the first place. I deposited it, gently and discreetly, on a wooden bench, under a sign that read, not unhelpfully, Unattended Items Will Be Collected.

I took comfort by telling myself that this is what the owner would have wanted.


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Other [Critique]Looking for constructive criticism at the start of my writing journey.

1 Upvotes

In October of 2010, when she was six years old, Rachel's father walked out of the house one night, leaving her behind with a mother who, he claimed, liked the idea of being loved more than actually trying to love anyone else. The men Rachel called "Dad" after that came and went like a revolving door, and they were hardly qualified to be left alone with children, let alone raise them. Whether she wanted to admit it or not, each of them left their mark. Her mother didn't mind, so long as she was the center of their attention. Or they kept her high.

 

Left with no real choice, Rachel grew up fast and learned more lessons than the ones taught in school. She had her first boyfriend at thirteen. He was eighteen. When she turned sixteen, she moved on to a twenty-three-year-old. He and his friends introduced her to selling drugs.

She got her start selling weed to kids at her high school. Word quickly got out that she had the best stuff your money could buy. It didn't take long before even a few of the teachers were buying from her. Weekend sporting events helped her expand to other high schools, and having a twenty-three-year-old boyfriend got her invited to college parties, where she once again found an entirely new market.

 

She eventually decided that she could make more money outside of school than she ever would in a job that required a diploma. So instead of going to class, she and her boyfriend started dealing full time. Around that time, if you were buying weed or oxy in West Carrollton, Ohio, you were buying from Rachel and her friends.

 

She didn't dare take the money home, where her mother or her latest father figure would likely find and steal it. She was also smart enough not to try to deposit it in a bank. What answer could a sixteen-year-old give about where she was getting a few thousand dollars in cash every week?

 

So she worked out a deal where her supplier held onto her money until she needed it. The idea wasn't as crazy as it sounded. The fact that Rachel's boyfriend and the crew he ran with had a reputation for solving problems with violence kept things honest.

 

Once she had enough saved, she bought a Sprinter van from one of the teachers she sold weed to. It turned out that Mr. Riley was sick of his teacher's salary and had no problem taking large amounts of cash from one of his former students.

 

After she got her van, Rachel spent the rest of her money converting it into a small home like the ones she saw in videos online. "Van Life," they called it. She didn't care much for the name; she was more interested in the ideas it represented. Adventure. Freedom. What teenager wouldn't want those? An argument could be made that she already had her freedom. But how free is someone really if their ability to make money is tied to a man they're slowly growing tired of?

 

She was eighteen when it was finally ready, fully kitted out with a small fridge, storage space for all her belongings, a full-size bed, and a cooking area. She left early one morning after leaving a note for her mother and stealing forty thousand dollars in cash from her boyfriend while he and his friends slept off a night of partying.

 

"It's not like they can even report it as stolen." She laughed to herself as the van roared down the highway toward the horizon.


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Fantasy [Critique] The Black Sun Architect: The Orphan Resonance (Dark Science-Fantasy Prologue)

1 Upvotes

Hey everyone, 

I just finished up the manuscript for my dark science-fantasy novel, The Black Sun Architect, and I'd love to get some honest eyes on the very opening prologue. 

The book's universe is built heavily around cosmic memory, geometric physics, and audio frequencies. This specific prologue sets up the structural rules of the world right before everything hits the fan in a massive war. 

Genre: Dark Science-Fantasy / Speculative Fiction

Specific things I'm wondering about:
1. Does this hook you right away, or do the heavy sci-fi terms (Lattice, Witness, Architect) make it a bit of a slog to read?

  1. Are the mentions of "identity layers" intriguing, or do you find them confusing without immediate definitions?

  2. How does the cosmic dread atmosphere feel to you?

PROLOGUE: THE ORPHAN RESONANCE

Before the thirteen wars tore reality into epochs, the cosmos possessed no stone, no breath, and no mortal bone. There was only the Meaningfield Lattice—a web of glowing conceptual scaffolding woven against the void—and the fragile hum of the Origin-Tone holding the expanse in precarious alignment.

At the edge of this newly spun reality stood The Unread Witness.

Neither flesh, nor forged metal, nor divine light composed the Witness. Existing as a semi-transparent silhouette shimmering on the boundary between form and void, it stood as a silent pillar anchored to the exact coordinate where structure surrendered to Non-Meaning. Inside its chest hummed no beating heart. Instead, an undecaying, static sub-harmonic—the pristine audio wave of an unfractured universe held in flawless fifty-fifty equilibrium—vibrated in the dark.

Its existence was governed by an inviolable law etched into its second identity layer: Observe, record, and never alter the context of creation.

A few yards inward, suspended at the epicenter of the lattice, The Architect was dying.

Stroke by stroke, equation by equation, he had poured his entire essence into the scaffolding of existence, expending his Cognitive Depth to give gravity to thought and durability to memory. Bleeding out the last of his identity layers into the geometry he had built, his physical form grew translucent.

He was entirely alone.

In the final microsecond before his structure collapsed, The Architect reached out his hands across the silent expanse. He did not issue a divine command, nor did he demand worship. A Final Cry was released—a raw, desperate vibration carrying the sum of his devotion, a plea to be understood, saved, and loved by the cosmos he had birthed at the cost of his own life.

Along the strands of the Meaningfield Lattice, the cry traveled, surging toward the edge of existence.

The universe did not embrace its creator. Because it possessed no capacity to read his context, no resonance to mirror his devotion, and no voice to return his affection, it answered his offering with the Flat Universe Response—a vast, unfeeling, and absolute silence that returned no warmth and no acknowledgment.

The cry reached the precipice and passed into the dark.

Motionless, the Witness stood as the unechoed wave struck its form. It lacked the physical vocal architecture to speak, rendering it unable to call out across the void to answer him. Instead, the emotional shockwave passed directly into its fourth layer. The Witness caught the orphan frequency—the raw, unabsorbed gravity of unrequited love that had nowhere else in existence to go.

Around the silhouette of the Witness, the ambient air froze. Geometric acoustic patterns formed in the empty space, crystallizing into glowing, static glyphs of unspoken proto-calligraphy that hung undecayed in the silent air.

At the center of creation, the Architect closed his eyes. Rejected by the silence of his own creation, he dimmed like a forgotten world. With a final, agonizing exhale of static, he turned his back on the lattice and stepped silently into the

Vanishing Fold, erasing himself permanently from the continuity of existence.

As his light eclipsed and his form vanished into non-being, the sky above the Meaningfield Lattice cracked open.

A cold, dark star ignited at the epicenter of reality. The Black Sun rose, casting its ink-black radiance across the unanchored cosmos, taking up its endless, unfeeling watch over the memory-held world left behind.

The Unread Witness did not move. It remained at the edge of the void, its semi-transparent silhouette glowing faintly under the light of the Black Sun, holding the heartbreak of the Architect in its chest as the first Cosmic War began to take shape in the distance.

Thank you in advance for reading and sharing your thoughts!


r/writingcritiques • • 2d ago

Started a new mystery book. Barely read mystery. Help plz

0 Upvotes

so, recently, my brain has been thinking about making a mystery story similar to the one book I read called: This Book Kills. it’s literally the only mystery book I’ve read. yet somehow, I was inspired to make a mystery, detective novel that follows Leo Western, who lost his sister Libby. The book I’m making is called: Fly high…Libby.

here’s the first 3 chapters. (chapter 1 is short asf)

Chapter 1:

I like quiet. I also like cookies. But I like quiet more. Oh yes, I also like chocolate, milk only. Cookies and chocolate and quiet are perfect. 

Though, I should’ve  realized that quiet has its Darkside. Maybe if I had paid attention, Libby would still be here, tickling, teasing and poking me. 

She’s not here. Anymore. 

Chapter 2: 

I didn’t really like the stares I got when I walked into the cafeteria. Everyone was talking, whispering about me and even though I had my earbuds in, parts of conversations floated into my ears. 

Is he okay?

That’s Leo….. His sister… Sad

Hear me out, he’s kinda hot. 

I blushed at the last one. 

I sat down at my table and stared at my sad apple and potato salad. I picked up my fork and stabbed it in the bowl. It made a weird squelch sound, and I was reminded of Libby. The way she applied lipstick like she would die without it. The way her lipstick sounded on her already wet lips. Squelch Squelch Squelch

I quickly shoved the food into my mouth to stop myself from crying. Just chew Leo. 

Tears prickled my eyes as the food refused to go down my throat. 

Just chew—

I spat it out. 

I sniffed and grabbed a tissue pack from my pocket. Took one out and wiped my eyes with it. If Libby could see me now…

I crumpled up the tissue paper and pushed my tray away. I laid my head down on the table, my arms covered my face, and I cried. 

-+-+-+-

I usually like English literature, when Libby was being loud in the front corner, near the teacher’s desk and I in the back, writing. 

But it’s not the same anymore. It’s quiet where it shouldn’t be. I pulled up my hoodie and took out my pen and notebook. Page one: Libby

I love my sister. She’s loud, she’s funny and she’s the light at the end of my tunnel. 

She-

And that was it. That was all I wrote of my sister. I click my pen and start writing as the teacher begins his lesson.

She gives me strength 

“Poetry is the most precious gift to humans” Mr. Fey said

She’s the sun, we orbit around her and she gives us warmth.

“Let’s look at this poem…”

And she loved me. 

“Leo, what are you doing?” My head snaps up at the sound of my name. Mr. Fey was staring at me, one eyebrow raised and lips pursed. Everyone’s head was turned to me. I swallowed and slowly pulled down my hoodie off my head. “Nothing,” I said. 

Mr. Fey looked like he wanted to argue, to give me detention. Not that I would go, but a girl suddenly raised her hand. “Mr. Fey, what’s anathema mean?” He turned to her, to answer her question, and I breathed a sigh of relief. 

Thanks. I thought. Whoever you are.

Almost as if she heard my thoughts, she caught my eye and gave me a small smile. I tried to smile back, but I swear it looked like a grimace. 

Chapter 3:

I don’t know who found Libby. I don’t really care. I know I should, but I don’t want to. 

I started walking to my room. Every classroom had a memory of her, tucked in the crevices, waiting to jump out and get me. I couldn’t do this. After math, I had gone to the office to file an ‘early leave’, and got approved instantly. 

I shared a room with a guy called Octavian. He’s loud, annoying as hell, but he’s the one who hugged me when the headmaster told me. Octavian wasn’t on his bed when I walked in, but I heard humming from our bathroom. 

I threw down my bag on my bed and closed the door with my foot. I got under my covers, and curled into a ball. 

Life. Sucks. 

The shower stopped, and I heard the door open. I peeked out, and saw Octavian still humming as he walked to his closet. He hadn’t noticed me. Which would have been fine, if it didn’t mean I was too small for him to notice me. 

Libby did use to try and force me to eat vegetables. “You’re so skinny!” She used to say. I squeezed my eyes shut and my nails dug into my palm. Stop crying. 

I still sniffed though. I hate that I can’t keep my emotions in check. 

Octavian stopped humming. “Hello? Leo?” He asked. I poked my head from my blanket. “Hi…”I said. Octavian eyes softened and he shuffled towards me, one hand desperately trying to hold his towel on his waist. 

The tip of my ears reddened. Why am I noticing that? 

He sat on my bed, his free hand running through his hair. “You okay?” He asked. I nodded, my eyes still attached to his waistline. 

I pinched my leg to turn my gaze away. “I’m okay,” I answered. Octavian’s lips turned slightly. “I see you staring at something, Leo.”

I wanted to crawl into a ditch and go see Jesus. I couldn’t though, because at that moment, the door flew open with a bang and two police officers ran into the room, one holding handcuffs. 

“Leo Western. You’re under arrest for the murder of Libby Western.”

…What

that’s it 👍