Hey there wonderful people, I’m a young author ( won’t specify my age because there are some weird people on this platform ) and I’ve started writing a first draft about this girl who gets herself into a school fire and loses her ability to speak. Any feedback is well appreciated and I can take criticism so long as you’re not a dick about it. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I’ll copy paste it here:
You know that feeling when you have a dream where you can't tell if it was a nightmare or not? Happened to me this morning. I dreamt that I had superpowers, and when I told my family, they all laughed at me. I got really pissed at them, then I got myself killed jumping off a building to prove I could fly. I was plummeting to my death when my alarm rudely awakened me. I sat up, rubbed my eyes ( because that's what the pretty girls in movies do ) and clocked my alarm off. It was at this moment that I had to rub my eyes several times again. " 8:30! Shit, SHIT! Oh god this is not... oh fucki- oh come on! " I leapt out of bed and nearly stubbed my toe on my dresser, bloody thing. I grabbed my school clothes - a long sleeved white shirt that made me look like a gimp, a blazer with most of the buttons missing, a skirt which I rolled up once to look cute without looking like a hooker, and a pair of black knee high socks. I grabbed a couple tissues and stuffed them in my bra - don't act like you haven't done it, it's not my fault I'm 16 and the damn things refuse to grow. I slide my feet into my school shoes, and nearly break my fucking neck running down the stairs. I bike to school in record time and lock it up on some fence outside school. I make it to form with 3 minutes to spare. Sorted.
" Young lady, could you come here please?" Oh shit. Not sorted. I turn around hoping that it isn't who I think it is. " You need to roll that skirt down, Miss Berry Courtney. And where on the lords green earth is your tie? " It is exactly who I think it is. The grouch herself, Mrs Appleton. Mrs Appleton is this old hag who has glasses with big dangly bits on the side like rich people have, and she always wears clothes that went out of fashion in the Stone Age. Today she's brandishing a flowery top and a pair of jeans the colour of smushed-up peaches. She's been working at the school since it opened, and why she hasn't retired yet is beyond me. Perhaps she just enjoys making me suffer. I roll my skirt down, both of us knowing fully well that I'm going to roll it back up the minute she leaves. " Oh, sorry, I must have left it at home. I'm honestly extremely sorry, I should have been more careful. " Now, now. I know what you're thinking. If you don't like her, why are you being such a suck up?
" Hey mum!" Says my best friend Emily, coming up from behind Mrs Appleton. Question answered? I believe so. " Oh hello dear! How are you doing today? " Mrs Appleton says, immediately switching up her tone.
“ I’m doing well, Mum, how are you?” Emily says.
“ Oh, I’m plenty well thank you, just chatting with your lovely girlfriend Berry here.”
Oh yeah, I should have mentioned that Mrs Appleton ( Bitch-face ) thinks I’m dating her daughter. It led to some awkward situations when I got with this other boy last year and she called me a bunch of… not so nice names and accused me of cheating.
“ We’re not dating, mum, we’ve been through this.” Emily moans, shooting me a look that says “ can you believe this? “
“ Well okay then, just know I’m always open to talk about your… feelings.”
Uugh. Kill me.
Bitch-face walks away, leaving me and Emily alone for the brisk time we have left until the start of form.
“ Me? With you? She confuses me more each day.” I say to Emily.
“ Me too. It’s like ever since I told her I was gay she thinks I’m dating every girl I know.” She says.
I open my mouth to respond, before a missile hits me on the back.
Ok, maybe it was a football, but it still hurt.
“ Oi! Fuck off!” I yell, before turning round to see which little bastard kicked it.
Malcom, the son of the head teacher, was the obvious suspect, considering the ball came from that direction.
And next to him stands a tall figure in a black coat.
Oh no.
“ You ought to wash your mouth out with soap, Berry. That language will not be tolerated on school grounds.”
Mr Johnson, the most obnoxious math teacher of all time, and, of course, the bloody head teacher.
So here I was, sat in an after-school detention for telling the head teachers kid to fuck off. I did get a chance to defend myself in Mr Johnson’s office, but that went as well as you’d expect. Emily also tried to defend me, but Mr Johnson had heard enough. He gave me this big lecture about “ acting before thinking “ and then issued me a same day 45 minute detention.
Jokes on him though, because Malcom got his football confiscated by Mrs Appleton, much to the dislike of the head. Karmas a bitch, huh?
I sit, bored out of my bloody mind, watching the clock as if the hands will move any faster. I look around the room, hoping for something to stare at. I look out of one window and can see into the window of the science block. I sit and watch through the window for a couple minutes, before I’m disrupted by a large bang.
I jump up, and turn around to see smoke coming from the front of the building. What the fuck?
The supervisor gets on his walkie talkie thing and starts talking to the other teachers. They don’t sound very calm.
I feel my crotch get hot, and realise that I’ve pissed myself. Welp, there goes my sense of dignity.
The area of the bang starts smoking, and quickly that smoke starts to spread down the hallway. The supervisor tells us to grab our bags, and he holds the door open as we head out. The smoke comes into the corridor that we are standing in, and we all cover our faces with our blazers. I can hardly see a bloody thing, and to top it all off, it starts to get really, really warm. It’s then that I look over to where the smoke is coming from and see a wildly spreading fire rapidly approaching. We go to open the door, but it won’t budge. The supervisor tries barging it with his shoulder, unsuccessfully.
We run over to the next door, fire still coming closer, and try it.
Locked.
Fuck. FUCK! What are we gonna do now? Those are the only two doors, and I can’t talk my way out of this shitting thing. I try to use my adrenaline to help us out, by kicking the door down. I wish I could tell you that this saved the day, but in fact it just snapped my ankle to shit, leaving me hopping around. I’m such a retard.
The fire has already started to spread to where we are, and we all back into a corner. People start passing out, and we drag them into the corner where we all are. The fire slowly gets closer. And people are still dropping like flies. I lean back into the corner, when my elbow hits something cold.
The glass! I strike it as hard as I can, and again, and again. I turn back around and the fire is right on me. I don’t know if anyone else is still alive anymore. I can’t tell.
I finally smash the window with my elbow, put my blazer over the glass and jump out of the building. I land on my ankle, which was already fucked. A sharp stab of pain beats through me, but at least I know I’m alive. I limp outside, carrying my half burnt bag and shouting out for help. My vision starts to blur, but I see a teacher run to me. Thank fuck.
“ It’s okay sweetie, I’ll get you out.”
Mrs Appleton. Thank shit for you.
The first thing I can remember was waking up in a bed that wasn’t mine. The second thing was the pain that radiated through my body. I called for someone, anyone, but my voice wouldn’t work.
I look to my left and see Emily there, in a green plaid jacket and a pair of really nice jeans. We lock eyes and she immediately turns her expression to shock. She excitedly rushes out and shouts, “ She’s awake! “
Awake from what? I couldn’t quite recall what the hell was going on. My brain was foggy and everything was sluggish.
I look around more and realise that I’m in a hospital.
What happened?
My confusion is interrupted by a hug from Emily. She looks different, a lot older than last time I saw her. Perhaps it’s the plaid jacket. Or that her voice is deeper than usual.
Either way, she’s definitely different.
Above all else, one question still dwells in my head.
What happened?
I’m in a hospital, barely conscious, my best friend is like a year older, and all I can think about is campfires.
“ What happened to me? “ I ask, looking Emily in the eye as if the answer will be there like a magic 8 ball.
She ignores me.
“ Uum, excuse me? Emily? “ Weird. She’s still not responding.
She might just be overcome with excitement, or something like that. I remember after my first kiss, I didn’t listen to anyone for like 5 minutes straight, and ended up getting a detention for defiance.
Memories.
Things are coming back to me, emerging from the pink mush which I used to call my brain.
Campfires.
Why the hell am I still thinking about campfires?
I turn to a doctor beside me. He’ll listen.
“ Doctor! What happened? “
The doctor looks down at me. He gives me a look of sadness, then begins to speak. He’s speaking. I’m hearing him loud and clear.
“ Ms Courtney, you suffered a terrible injury in a fire. “ Campfires. “ Unfortunately, the inhalation of hot air caused your throat to burn. “ Speak. “ Unfortunately, you have lost the ability to speak. “
Fuck.
My body is shaking and I’m sweating like a pig.
I scream, and hardly anybody flinches.
Campfires.
Smoke.
Hospital.
I turn round to see Emily holding back tears. I want to comfort her, tell her that it’s all a bad dream. I can’t even tell myself that. It all feels too real.
“ Berry. “ Emily says, “ I’m sorry. “
What the fuck? It’s not her fault! I feel so fucking guilty.
I try my best to communicate with her through hand gestures “ Not your fault!” But it probably comes off more as “ No you did wrong not “ in some Yoda kind of way.
“ It is my fault. “ she says, however the fuck she managed to tell what I was saying from me essentially throwing up gang signs. “ I started it.”
I shrug my shoulders as if to say “ started what? “
“ The fire. It was me. “
For a moment, I don’t breathe. I can’t. This sweet, innocent friend of mine started a school fire? A fire of which people might have died in? Surely not…
I weirdly feel angry at her. I really shouldn’t, and I hate myself for feeling like that. But to think I would be perfectly fine if she just…
No.
I shouldn’t do this. I fucked myself up like this. It’s my fault, not hers.
I signal for the doctor to pass me his pen. He hands it over, and I pull up the sleeve of my hospital gown. On my arm I scribble “ Need rest. Tired. “ and show it around the room to the doctor and Emily. After a couple seconds they both leave, and Emily whispers “ sorry “ under her breath. I don’t know if she intended for me to hear it or not, and I don’t know if it matters.
It’s 2024. Me and Emily are in my back garden, at 1 in the morning, holding a small box and a lighter.
“ We are so fucked if she finds us.” I say, as I open the box.
“ Totally. “ Emily says.
She had this mischievous spark in her eye, and she was failing miserably to hide her excitement.
I open the box and pull out a cigarette.
I hold the box out to Emily, waiting for her to pull one out.
She hesitates.
“ What is it? “ I ask.
“ Nothing. “ She says, picking one out of the box.
I stuff it back into my pocket, and spark the lighter. I put the cigarette between my teeth, and hold the lighter to the end. I pass the lighter to Emily, and she does the same.
It’s really bitter, and not how I expected at all. I take it out and blow the smoke. It floats up in grey ribbons into the night sky.
Emily also takes hers out of her mouth, and starts coughing her lungs out. I laugh at her as her eyes begin to water, shining in the light of the moon.
We both giggle, before putting them back into our mouth and sucking once more.
“ We should head back in soon. “ I say.
“ Now hold on. We’ve got cigs, a lighter and the stars ahead of us. Let’s enjoy it. “
We both lie down, and stare up at the night sky.
“ Berry. “ Emily says.
“ What? “ I ask.
“ Come here. “
I put my cigarette down and lean over to Emily.
Before I can react, I feel lips press against mine.
I had only kissed one person before, and it was Kieran Gray behind the PE shed in year 7. Definitely not a girl.
“ Sorry. “ she says “must be the smoke. “
I chose to see it as nothing more than friendly. Girls don’t kiss girls in love. It can’t happen.
Can it?
Suddenly, my back starts to heat up. Somehow, my cigarette has started a massive fire, and it starts burning the whole garden. I try to warn Emily, but I can’t shout, and she burns in the flames. It’s not long after that I am engulfed by the red wall that spread across the garden.
I wake up screaming.
But of course, nobody hears me.
I’m alone.
( Out of story now )
If you took the time to read that, much appreciated. As I said I’m a young writer so I’m aware that there will be errors. Have a wonderful day, and leave your opinions/advice in replies.👌👌
