i was raped a month ago & i cant stop thinking about it, ever since it happened i just became so sad and i feel like i have no control over anything anymore. I keep accidentally peeing on myself , im scared all the time , all i think about is sex i just dont know what to do anymore.
i just feel incredibly stupid and dumb

i was raped by mutiple men when i was 3/4 and have been sexually assaulted & abused more times than i can count. it keeps happening and idk what 2 do. (sorry for the non-professional sentence structures.) no1 knows this and i can't tell anyone 'cause it will make everything worse + i will be blamed 4 being abused, ykk. i am addicted to self harming and sex but i am only 15: my future is fucked; my adhd, ocd, slight schizophrenia, slight dyslexia n depression just makes everything worse. whenever i vent online, pedos state they want to fuck me, rape me, cherish me, you know the deal. idk anymore but can some1 just help me??? i already have a plan abt my death, ifykyk: that runs in my family, so 'm keeping it a tradition. honestly, i am a bad person and deserve to be raped again. i am a huge bitch and constantly lie and yadayadayada. no clue wut to do. my internalized homophobia doesn't help either, i've been apart of the lgbtqia+ since i was 7: i am demigirl pansexual rn. i rlly want to be normal and like guys completely but i can't help but feel sexual and romantic towards women. i am agnostic but sometimes i wish god were 100% real so i could go back to being catholic and praying and begging to be normal

am i disgusting and sinful? i am sorry i can't like men completely, still be a virgin (being raped took it :/) function normally, not feel disgusted w/ being female, having sexual desires constantly, yadayadayada. goodness, i might just slit myself more but what good would that do? makin this real hard an' not helpin

does being raped count as me not being virgin

Me vs my almost decade old memories popping back up 😅 alalala so cringe

I am 15 fffemale, this happened when i was 6 and the other person is a few months older than me. When I was in kindergarten, there was a female that I was best friends with. We were in the same kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade class, then both moved to the same school for 3rd and 4th. We were each other's half. Truly. We formed a deep, fun, chaotic, and wonderful bond. I came from being hypersexual since I was 3/4 and she was hypersexual at age 6, though I don't remember why. I am unsure how this all begun but we would touch each other inappropriately and show each other our private areas. She did begun this wrongfully sexual relationship. One memory that recently came up after a near decade is her and I asking to use the restroom during music class so we could touch each other. Given that I was raped, sexually abused, exposed to sex constantly, and hypersexual for years by then, I knew nothing better. I would ask her first sometimes because I wanted to please her. I am not blaming her as we were both young and taught wrong. Nobody is aware this ever happened between us. We stopped contact because of petty drama but we ended up in the same 8th grade classes. We never spoke about the situation. I haven't spoken to her since then and don't plan on so.

Are we partially in the wrong? Is that a crime? I don't know, plsplspls give me somethinggg

I don't blame her for what we did and won't ever. I hope she is doing well now and only wish for the best

So recently my parents found my cuts from self harm, very shallow and i recently stopped cutting but there still visible, and everything has just been so weird. I dont get left alone anymore and im on constant watch, there whole view of me shifted. This is the exact reason on why i didnt want to tell them anything, its all we talk about now and i have a feeling things are never gonna go back to normal. Im now getting sent to a therapist, getting my stuff taken, idk what to do, what do yall think, be honest please, if im in the wrong say that.

They targeted underage boys, including me.

Thank you for your participation! :)

I'm feeling so gross and bad rn, i just wanna kms at this point, so rn I'm 22 but back when i was in 3rd or 4th standard, there was this bahiya who used to work at my grandpa's shop, And during that time i was addicted to mobile games, but i didn't had any mobile, so i used to play on his phone. One time i remember there was no one in the shop, and i was playing on his phone and he tried to touch me inappropriately and I didn't said anything, and that was not the last time, he did that again and again for like 2 - 3 months, and after that I haven't seen him ever again. Idk how but today i suddenly got flashback of that time. I'm feeling so hopeless and terrible rn, i just wanna die. Fuck!!!

Please tell me if I'm overreacting. I've recently become aware that the way my mother mostly has treated me is not normal. I believe she is potentially gaslighting me and has been manipulative. Have any of you had experience with this?

Sorry for the long post but there's just so much I need to unpack.

I really need to get as much advice, perspective and support etc as possible before I do anything drastic or make any major decisions.

I'll introduce myself I'm a 19 year old male and am an only child. To be honest I'm pretty desperate for advice and support and don't have anywhere way safe to get an unbiased perspective.

My parents split almost 10 years ago. I have had some great moments with them but they both were often quite toxic and abusive even.

I'll start with my Dad. A few months after my parents split he took me to spend the weekend pretty much out of the blue with his new girlfriend which he didn't actually tell me she was until we were only a few minutes away. One time while we were on holiday quite a few years ago during an argument he started bashing me with a Coke bottle. Afterwards he was full of apologizes and burst into tears. Also one other time during a row he threw my phone against a wall causing it to break. Also when he was winging about his situation I told him at least he owns his house and he pretty much laughed in my face. A few years ago while we were on our way back home from the movies he started going crazy and shouting at me and I was really scared. I tried to reason with him but it wasn't working. I can't even remember how the hell it all started. He even phoned my mum and told her he couldn't handle me and wanted her to pick me up. When I messaged my mum saying I wanted to leave she said she wouldn't teach him a lesson as they were both human and didn't deserve to be treated like crap. I was so upset and confused. When often she's the one badmouthing him to me. I have a strained relationship with my Dad and don't see him often I feel really let down as he was never really a proper father and only did the really bare minimum. He's never really stepped up and has always been useless with money. It actually makes me feel quite unlovable.

Now onto my mother which is by far the much longer list. She would blow up out of nowhere over the most trivial or littlest matters, many times i begged her to give me some emotional support when i was visibly upset but she just remained cold and cruel, drink quite heavily which was sometimes responsible but she can definitely be mean sober as well, I had expressed concern about her drinking but she just flipped, it actually got physical a few times as well. Most nights by the time I went to bed she was often at least very visibly tipsy and I have flashbacks about her when blotto and actually makes me very upset to be honest. I just wonder how can get so unshamefully drunk whilst been alone in the house with her child and I feel it was very irresponsible.

I did even have a scar once, the next day she'd always act as if nothing happened, whenever I tried to get clarity on why she got like that she'd brush it under the carpet or accuse me of starting trouble, she'd turn cold at the drop of a hat, during arguments she'd say things like I was ungrateful, didn't care about her and that I was a horrible person or that i was abusive or whatever just like my father, she would stomp, slam doors, shout, scream, swear and break ornaments etc, when she gets in her crazy states it's just impossible to reason with her or get her to see it from any other perspective, she can go from saying i was the most nicest and amazing person to saying I was the most horrible and evil person, she often burdened me with all of her problems, she said before that she knows how to play the game which I found very disturbing

She often paints herself as the heroic single mum and pretty much everyone we know such the teachers at school believe that. I feel I was robbed of a proper childhood and have often wondered what I had done to deserve it.

I remember one time a few years ago I was about 12 during a sleepover at my grandparents. I think we had a disagreement but I can't even really remember it now but my best memory is that she was on the phone to my grandmother and I'm pretty sure she was badmouthing me then my grandparents spoke and my grandfather started shouting and saying he was very disappointed in me and the rest of it is a blur. To be honest to this day i can't figure out what I (only a young child) was supposed to have done that was so bloody awful. That has haunted me for years. I used to think maybe I was a bad person but I've started to see her in a different light. She always talks about hating drama yet it seems to follow her and often says that she's been so hard done by.

About a year later when I vaguely recall when was enjoying myself in the bath she started abusing me and said she and everyone else was going to wash their hands of me if I didn't start living her way or something. I remember I was struggling with getting ready and then she started shouting saying I was taking advantage and then called her mother to say I was really horrible.

On the flip side she can be the most nicest person as well and we have had great times together and she can be very helpful towards me, her family and in public which makes it all the more confusing. A few weeks ago now in fact I ran into an old friend of hers who said to say hi for her and she said my mother is a wonderful person and I'm very lucky. It actually made me feel sick. Since I was 10 it's just been me living with her since my parents divorce in which she had to sell her house and now rents which she has blamed for the way she is before. I can't help feeling bad for her but she was still quite like this beforehand as well and I don't think that's an excuse still is it? For example I'm starting to remember when I was very young she'd make threats of sending me over to a new mommy. I do feel like she has manipulated me a bit into been stuck with her.

Something else that I've found disturbing is that she's very narrow minded and has a serious lack of empathy. For example when a couple of local celebrities committed suicide she shouted and carried on, called them pathetic cowards and weak etc. It was actually quite disturbing how she had a complete disregard and no sympathy for them.

PS another red flag i noticed was when a life insurance ad was on and they said "something could be paid out in case of death" or something and she said "I'd like for them to say WOULD" not could. I don't know why but that's set an alarm bell off. Also when my Gran had a fall she said to me in the car "trust me to have parents that live forever then I could get my inheritance".

Towards the end of my parents marriage I was 10 and she told me that my Dad was been very controlling and making her life a misery. I now look back at that with adult eyes and I'm starting to feel that she may of at least bent the truth. I'm starting to think that she manipulated me and tried to turn me against him and I do blame her partly for the fact I don't have the best relationship with my Dad. He's often let me down and been emotionally unavailable. Also he's very bad with money. I just wish for effort instead of excuses.

My mother often calls him a narcissist. I just feel that it's very wrong for someone to say to a child that one of their parents is a narcissist even if there is any truth to it.

Something disturbing she has said ages ago is when I'm an adult she could have me done for assault if she wanted. She also said she wanted to do a will and try to control my assets where my Dad can't touch anything and said she feared he would try to steal all of my money. I can't believe she would say things like that so proudly and can't help feeling like she was trying to manipulate me.

She's always quick to call others toxic and narcissists etc. She with absolutely no filter tells me everything going on in her life and her anxiety which makes me anxious. Why does it upset me so badly even when it has little or nothing to do with me?

Also I can't help feeling empathy towards her as she always looked after me, fed me, organized things for me and pretty much always brought me everything I wanted.

She loves been the martyr and does seem to feel like an innocent hard done by single mum who's done her best and pretty much everyone including teachers at school believe that. As I said I do feel for her then I think but what emotionally abusing me, leaving me crying myself to sleep some nights, causing me to have no confidence and PTSD etc? Could my parents have some bipolar or personality condition or something and toxic traits I've wondered?

A few years ago she said things like "I should top myself" and around that time during a really heated argument she threatened to kill herself with a knife so I did actually hide the knives. That's actually really traumatized me. She's also said one night a couple of years ago when she had a meltdown that when she dies hardly anyone is going to be at her funeral. I mean like why the hell would you say things like this to your own child?

A few other things. I remember once when Dad was picking me up a few years out of the blue she said just F off and even Dad said to me in the car that he didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me and when I told her that during a later argument she just said "yeah whatever" and something like that. Also one time when Dad came by to bring something she said "make sure that you show him that you're really happy to be back home". A couple of months ago when Dad took me out for a pub meal when I came back home the next night she said in sort of like a wise-ass way "you know he won't be able to afford that often". I do realize that but her saying that actually really annoyed me to be honest. As I'm making small steps with him it feels like she was deliberately trying to ruin my mood.

PS I remember one night years ago she accused me of looking like I wanted to hit her and went crazy. I may of had a tired look because it was late and I tried explaining that. She starting banging ornaments and shouting and was just impossible to talk to. Also I remember a few years ago one time she started saying she was worried my Dad was going to try to spend more time with me and that it would affect my schooling and life and said if I fall for it I would never see her again and all of the family will hate me. She's also said that before when I threatened to walk out during arguments. She's also said many times during these tirades that I was dead to her.

Also something that really upsets me is whenever I try to reason with her she often just goes "I need more alcohol to deal with this".

Almost a year ago my Dad let me down by not been able to see me one weekend and canceling at the last minute (which he has done quite a few times before).

During that said weekend my mother had another one of her outbursts. I was in the bathroom which was an en suite and she knocked on the door asking to take a few photos or something. All I asked was if she could just give me a few minutes to finish up but she started shouting and carrying on. When I went after her I tried to explain myself but she said I was been passive aggressive and even trying to manipulate her. I reason with her but she just wasn't having it and kept carrying on. When I tried to explain that to her and how upset I was already about that weekend without her treating me like this. She said she feels really bad for me and hates how he let me down yet again. What just absolutely astounds me is how can she feel that way yet still emotionally and mentally abuse me and kick me while I'm down. I just can't for the life of me comprehend that. I mean can anyone make sense of that?

A couple days after that weekend one of my teachers asked to have a word with me and said he heard I got into a bit of trouble at home ("if he meant been mentally abused by my mother and been let down by my father as trouble" I thought). I'm not even sure who the hell said what to him and that's something that's still REALLY baffling me. I just fobbed him off saying I was upset about leaving school (which was true as well).

I really struggle with confiding in people. I do regret not telling him the full truth now. He reassured me and said he was very proud of me etc. Another teacher once said that he thought of me and my mother as like the dream team or something along those lines. That turned my stomach as well. I was thinking if only they knew half the things I've been through.

I have autism and went to a special support school for the last few years which were some of the best years (The teachers especially were brilliant and I had many great times such as school camps, school balls and excursions etc). I do feel quite sad and lost now those years are over. I graduated in December and I now do a certificate course at the main campus so I still see them all from time to time.

Her next meltdown was this January while we were on holiday and at the beach. I wanted to be shirtless like pretty much everyone else and she started making passive aggressive and snide remarks saying things like "have fun burning yourself" and "why can't you make smart decisions?". She was been very cold and unreasonable. I was already sun safe with a hat and everything and I wasn't going to be too long and tried explaining that to her but no. I'll admit I finally snapped and told her that I'm an adult now and she could no longer control me and couldn't make me feel guilty. I wish I hadn't now but it felt like something just snapped inside me and I expressed things I had felt for ages. After I said about been my own person she said "you'd be nothing without me". I do regret that as it did actually make me look crazy as we were in public also afterwards she was all calm and innocent. I tried to explain calmly that she can't guilt me and tried to make her realize how her sarcastic comments and quite frankly mean attitude was upsetting me but that wasn't working. I even said that she's been narcissistic with her comment about me been nothing without her but it was like talking to a brick wall. She then said "look everyone thinks you're crazy and as you're an adult now I can get the police over here". She then just suddenly called her mother to tell her that I was been impossible and making her life a misery (this is something she has done a few times before when I challenged her or reacted because of her behavior). She hadn't done that for years though and I feel she likes using that as a scare tactic. I then just ran off into the sea but all of my excitement was ruined and I was feeling very sad and confused about what just happened. I was starting to feel that maybe I overreacted or am remembering things wrong and my mind was feeling very fogged. I really wish I had just walked away and still kick myself. Then the next day I asked mum to call her to say were all ok but she said she didn't want to bother her and wasn't up to calling. I was like WTF. You're perfectly happy to call her to basically slander me and make me out to be a bad guy but when it comes to calling to say everything is fine she's not so keen.

A couple of weeks ago I've told her that I wanted to do another certificate course at that school next year and she tried to make me feel bad by putting on the guilt trip and giving me the cold shoulder. I've tried to blur it out to be honest but I remember she said that I was been selfish and told me how she wanted me to live my life. I tried to explain to her that I can't just do what she expects and the expense of my own happiness and well-being. I feel like she is trying to control how I live my life and I told her that she couldn't do that or tear me down or change my mind. She then said (this felt like reverse psychology and emotional blackmail) fine do whatever you want and I'll do the same. Also shouted and carried on saying things like F me and I'm hopeless and that. I also told her that I would love to be a teacher but she said i wouldn't be able to go to university, scoffed and said that I would be useless. I feel like she's trying to damage my already limited self esteem, confidence and spirit. Also she had been fairly good up to this. I was dreading telling her but I do feel that a weight is lifted as well. It seems funny that whenever I tell her something she doesn't like or she can't control she goes back to her bad self. PS she's also upset that she can't get paid for me doing that and wants me to just do what's best for her financially. I find it quite ironic her making me feel bad for not getting a job straight away while she's unemployed. PS it was the school ball that night which was brilliant but I'm disappointed that it went so quickly and also I feel a bit down about my social anxiety and that I didn't ask anyone to dance or make more conversation with my teachers and peers.

Then a few nights later my mum was going out for the night and she seemed a bit tipsy so I did ask out of concern if she was fit to drive. She immediately got defensive and bit my head off and said I was having a go at her. I only asked out of concern and worry and I tried explaining that a hundred times but she just wasn't having it. I also tried to explain that her getting defensive if anything proves my worry is valid but she started saying I was harassing her and she was sick of my bullshit and sick of putting up with me and she couldn't wait to get away from me. She also just suddenly pulled her shirt off showing her breasts ( believe it or not that's something she has done once or twice before ages ago). I was just shocked and looked away quickly as possible. When I tried to ascertain why she got so defensive she said that I think I can just say whatever I like to her and for her to just take it. I swear I didn't mean any ill-will or malice and of course I tried explaining that too but no. I just don't know for the life of me how she can turn on me just like that and treat her own son like that.

Both that and that previous thing a few nights before she said we're not going on holidays again this year and she brought up that incident from the January holiday I talked about and said that she hated been isolated there with me while I was been horrible to her. Wtf when she was the one belittling me and having a go at me which made me snap and I did apologize for that. She genuinely seems to think that she's actually the victim when she gets defensive and treats me like shit. Then when she left and i was starting to second guess myself and was thinking that maybe I am in the wrong and am a bad person. I was left alone for the night I'm feeling very isolated and confused. PS since that holiday she was actually been fairly good but after both that night after the school ball and that incident both only within a few days has left me feeling blindsided and like the rug has been pulled from under me also feel like I'm back at square one. Basically I really can't fathom how someone can treat their own child like this. Just beggars belief to say the least.

Now when she came back the next day I tried to start a conversation about the last night and she did get teary and said she was sorry but still when I tried to get her to take some accountability and realize how exactly she hurt me she was just like "I said I was sorry didn't I?" and said I just kept going over the same thing and said she was sick of me bringing up the past. She started not making much sense and playing dumb a bit. I just wanted her to realize how she upset me and also the previous incidents and she said "i guess I'm just the worst mother ever". Am I justified for feeling as though she hasn't really taken accountability? We have sort of made up now I suppose but I just stopped talking about it to keep the peace really.

I should add that last incident was a week ago now and it really bothers me how she's all happy now and acting like that never happened whilst I'm carrying emotional scars and still feel as though I haven't really had any closure or true accountability. Also her harsh words and still deeply wounded in me and I'm feel like a piece of shit and like I'm unlovable.

Like I've said she go from been genuinely the most nicest person to the most horrible.

I stayed with my father the other night and the next day he started carrying on and had a meltdown because he's only got like $30 left. I hope this doesn't sound too selfish but I felt very disappointed and let down that he couldn't even go a whole day without carrying on about his issues especially as I don't see him often. I don't think spending money on pot, cigarettes and vapes helps does it? That's what really burns my hide is that he has enough to spend on his terrible habits but when it comes to buying basic food when I was there for only a night he has very little. I mean is it too much to ask that when he does rarely see me that he can be on his best behaviour? It stresses me out and adds to my anxiety when I hear about my parents issues. He then rambling that he's been cursed since his father died young and if he was still alive they'd all be millionaires. Of course I feel really bad and am sorry that he died young. Though to be fair he has apologized and explained that he wasn't upset with me he was just very disappointed that he didn't have much which I really do appreciate. I just wish he could get his act together.

I'm starting to feel that the good doesn't really outweigh the bad.

I can't help really resenting them sometimes for all of the mental anguish they've both put me through as a child and I think it has messed up my development. I wonder what might've been different had I had proper parents or they were proper ones. Hobbies such as music and classic TV shows have been a great escape. I've thought about escaping but I feel quite stuck as I don't have a job and all of the money that I get in my account is basically controlled by my mother as she's the one who adds to it and I pretty much don't know anything about my own bank details. I wish I could hide my own secret stash somewhere. Now that I'm an adult and have left school I'm worried about what the future has in store. I'm very nervous about starting an adult life, getting a job, making friends and doing new things etc. Part of me would love to get away from her but yet I feel scared to as well as she's pretty much most I've ever known. She has said that I'm her number one. I think if that's how you treat your number one.

I would love to confide in someone about my struggles but don't know where to start. I've thought about confiding in that first teacher I mentioned who's great and we're fairly close but my teachers think my mother's an absolute saint so how can i ensure he believes me?

I struggle with daily flashbacks and I often feel depressed by the way I've been treated, also feel let down and wish my parents had been better to me. They actually both used to run their own businesses once upon a time before they met. It just baffles me how they went from that then and now been in their 50's both unemployed and are quite messed up. I sometimes think maybe they shouldn't of got together which I know is ironic because I would never have been born. I do vaguely remember when they were together and towards the end it was quite toxic and they would have some intense fights.

Also does their substance abuse issues made them this way as well do you think? As I've said my mother drinks quite heavily at night and she also vapes and my father smokes pot and cigarettes.

Also as my father struggles financially I know that's why he hasn't been able to see me often and cancel some visits and to be honest when I think about that it really burns my hide.

I do wonder if she might've been different if she had not gone through her divorce and maybe if things had gone differently for both of them they might've been different. What do you guys think?

I must admit I do feel very down sometimes as my father barely makes an effort with me and my mother treats me as like an emotional punching bag. Makes me think that there must be something really wrong with me and that I'm unlovable. I wonder what I've done to deserve this.

Honestly one of the most frightening things is that they genuinely don't seem to remember most of even any of it so that's why I'm too scared to call them out. Also they seem to feel their behaviour is ok.

PS I'm really good at covering up my anxiety and pride myself on putting on a cheerful front and everyone at school thinks I'm the most happiest and optimistic person ever. I feel scared to let my guard down or if they knew otherwise.

Also none of the family have a clue and I just know they wouldn't believe me and I fear if I did distance myself from her they'd think I was an evil person.

I wish I had a proper childhood of playing with friends, going to different places and been adventurous and carefree etc. I've never really had a social circle and hardly much friends. I've always been quite different to most of the children my age. I feel quite alone sometimes as I've always struggled with making friends. I do feel like I've wasted a lot of my childhood been isolated with my mother a lot of the time. I would really love to start a proper life and follow my dreams and make a few friends but don't know where to start.

I swear I sometimes feel as though I've been given the most selfish, toxic, messed up, irresponsible and emotionally immature parents ever. I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do about everything am I?

Before anyone says anything about therapy I did try that once a few years ago but really struggled to open up. I struggle to do that with people I know nevermind a stranger.

To be honest I can't help but feel really resentful sometimes when I see people with proper and decent parents also when I see others living life to the fullest and I don't know how to be like them.

PS something else that really bugs is that they both that friends that do lots of them. My Dad has a female friend whose brought him amazing and even quite expensive things and my mother's male friend takes her out to dinner. I know this might sound quite petty but I can't feeling annoyed that they have friends like that who think they're amazing after how they've treated me especially as I struggle with making friends and having a social life

Fairly recently my uncle came into town

He isn't the best person and is known to be a criminal. He's stolen things from my grandpa before and blames him for his divorce thst my grandpa had nothing to do with. He's also manipulative. A few weeks ago I had said that his (my Uncle) cooking was the only thing I looked forward to on Sundays ​to him. The next week we were at my grandpa's house. They ended up getting upset at each other for some stupid reason. I stared crying because I was scared. My dad had stepped in to settle the situation but it only got worse. Later my uncle claimed that my grandpa's house was his house. We were later told to leave

Sometimes I blame myself for what happened, thinking "If I hadn't said that none of this would have happened"

Keep in mind I'm still young and a teen

I've had so many different kinds of traumatic events and by so many different people. If this many things happen to me it must be partly me right? For as long as i can remember everything is so wrong. I don't even know if i believe myself in what happened to me. How do i believe such horrible shit happened. I think i might've gotten molested when i was young by a family member but i don't even trust my own memory. I never talked about it for so long i told someone when i was 13 or 14 and then i told my partner when i was extremely drunk i don't even know why. I never thought my family would believe me we always had issues and i thought they would think I'm making it up. I started therapy and we did an incomplete trauma timeline and i feel really bad because i just can't talk about it. I can't tell a person with my words sober i just can't and what if its not real? Part of me really worries i made it up and i don't know why, why would i make up something so horrible? I've felt so disgusting so long. For a long time i tried to justify it but they were so much older and they had to have known it was wrong. When i first started having sex i was young and i would cry alone and i couldn't figure out why. I felt so disgusting and i felt broken and i couldn't figure out why, i kind of wonder if maybe it's due to what happened to me if it was real. I had a dream that i remember to this day that i had when i was young that gave me the same feeling. For as long as i could remember I've had a severe fear of pregnancy. I've had other really inappropriate experiences with my friends when we were the same age and i never felt like i could ever tell anyone so it went on for some time. I don't know how to talk about it in therapy it makes me feel dirty and wrong. I'm so worried that it wasn't real and I'm just making it up. So many times I've wanted to ask the person if it was real just so i would know, i know that sounds so weird but at least i could be sure. I've already been diagnosed as PTSD from my other trauma but i haven't even talked about this. I mean you would know for absolute certain wouldn't you right? Has anyone else questioned if it happened to them?

Hi, Reddit. Please bear with me, I know it's a really long post. Please only respond if you have genuine and constructive comments or questions. And I hope I tagged this right. I don't even know if this is the right sub. I really don't want any part of this to shock or traumatize or retraumatize anybody.

I (36f) only got into Reddit a year ago-ish after I started watching my newest obsession. (A certain YouTube channel that's reads Reddit stories every Saturday.) I wanted a space to talk about my favorite characters and parts of the "story". No one in my life watches this chanel. So, I downloaded Reddit. I quickly learned that the main sub is run by what feels like tyrants. Then, I found a secondary sub. I mostly lurked and made a few comments here and there. I thought I had found a home of sorts. So, I started posting. And not just in those subs.

Maybe I should tell you all a little about me. I have many letter combinations to describe the way my brain and body operate. For instance, "borderline" BPD or quiet BPD, CPTSD, OCD, ADHD and I'm a survivor of prolonged incestual CSA. My life has always been complicated for me. I didn't even remember the ICSA until a few years ago when my life put me in a situation where my brain decided, "You can handle this now". I had my two infant half brothers die at 24 hours old when I was 6 and 9. My life has been really rather tragic, unfortunately. I was raised close to the Mormon church, though I was never baptized or forced into it. I was raised by Disney movies, which I'm sure has just added to my delusional self. I tend to take things very literally and generalize these "rules" I give myself.

Relationships are not easy for me. My bio dad divorced my mom as soon as his dad died when I was 4. (Pops loved my mom and my sister and I. He was the glue of that family) My mom remarried when I was 5. Ensue years of trauma. Bio dad would get intoxicated on who knows what and abuse me, when he showed up to take me. Sometimes he wouldn't show at all. My mom says she remembers me waiting with my backpack by the front door for hours one time. And then because I knew how to "treat daddy" and make him happy, I generalized this into my relationship with my new dad. Instead of realizing that I might be being SA'd he, went along with it. I don't know if it was because he didn't want to disappoint a 5 year old or what. Either way, he's emotionally immature and narcissistic. So I guess it tracks, really.

After my second baby brother died, I broke. This was right around the time my bio dad decided he wanted nothing to do with us anymore and stopped coming around. I was a mess. I remember falling down and crying uncontrollably in the bathroom in third grade and teachers and peers coming to get me out. I remember them asking me what was wrong and I just kept telling him that I didn't know. I know now. Anyway, my parents decided that the best course of action was to throw me into therapy. Which is awesome. But it's not awesome is that the therapist I had decided that I had manic depression at 8 years old and threw me on Zoloft. I wet the bed until I was 11 years old. And I've had compulsory masperatory urges since I was three. For a very long time I knew there was something wrong with me I just didn't know what and I tried to play everything off like I was cool.

Anyway, I've struggled to maintain friendships and relationships in general. I have a really hard time feeling like anybody actually understands me or even wants to. I try my best everyday to be the best version of myself. I got out of therapy when I was 18. I had my daughter when I was 19. She is now 16. A few years ago when I had my resurgence of repressed memories, I got myself back into therapy. I had taken many courses on psychology because psychology is an interest for me. It helps me understand myself and understanding humans is a passion of mine. I also happen to find a sort of spiritual guide on YouTube that helps me understand a lot. She gave me a lot of how to's and not just the what's. I've done a lot of Shadow work and a lot of work on myself. I feel like all I've ever done is try to shove myself into the molds that make everyone around me feel more comfortable even though I'm screaming on the inside.

Anyway, I got on here hoping I'd find community because finding community in my real life is just so damn difficult. I feel like every time I try to stand up for myself or give back the same energy, I'm being downvoted and ripped apart. Just tonight I got muted from the secondary sub for talking back to somebody who was acting shitty. The mod gave me some biased and it seemed personal excuse for why. Even after I brought up that other people had said horrible things to me and those comments weren't deleted.

I feel like every time I speak people don't understand my tone and I get that understanding tone over text is even harder. I just wish I fucking belonged somewhere.

I just moved from my home state to another state on the other side of the country to help my friends start their business. I got here and they basically abandoned me. My SO can only do so much. He has his own issues and depression and doubts and has no capacity for my emotional life.

My daughter didn't want to move here she wanted to stay home with her girlfriend. So she's living at her dad's. I feel lost and alone and finally thought I was going to make some friends and find a place I might belong because that YouTube channel reflects so much of who I am. A theater kid, a creative, a gamer nerd and so much more. I just don't understand what I've done or what I haven't done yet to be abandoned and cast aside so much. And I know it's just a silly subreddit but I really am actually very hurt by this. I've often been wondering if I should also go see if I'm some special blend of autistic as well. I did ABA therapy for children on the spectrum for 8 years and I learned so much about myself. So many of those kiddos reminded me of me. I'm also entering perimenopause and I'm struggling with garlic armpits and emotional whiplash and all the other fun things that go along with it. I'm finally in a place where I don't feel suicidal and I'm actually happy to be alive everyday. The shadow work and healing journey I have been on for the last few years is done leaps and bounds for my mental health. I'm learning how to stand up for myself and use my voice. It's not an easy thing to do. So sometimes when I'm using my voice it might be a little mismatched in other people's eyes. I just feel everything very deeply. I'm very sensitive. I always have been. Literally everything about me. I stand up and walk in the air moving across my skin makes me cold. I literally mean everything about me is sensitive. I'm just trying to survive this time space reality and this incarnation. I just wanted to call out someone for being a jerk and I got basically banned. Which again is crazy to me because some of the comments I see are so cruel. Now I'm just rambling.

So, I'm left with this question spinning around in my head. Am I really so bad? Am I just too sensitive for this life? Too sensitive for reddit?

Thanks for the space let me get this off my chest. I'm sitting here crying in the backyard when I should be sleeping because I'm just feeling misunderstood and abandoned and guilty and disappointed right now. So, thanks. And please be kind to someone today because you have no idea what they're going through or have been through.

ETA: These are not the only traumatic events in my life. Just the ones I felt contribute to my current emotional state.

warning im going to gross you out please dont make fun of me

so when i was young (5) i was far too interested in porn and far too curious to recreate it, i cant remember if it was completely my fault (i bet it was) but i wasnt alone in this, my younger brother (4) was too.

you get the gist, right? i remember even involving a mutual friend of ours in this exploration while we were in quite literally public, hidden, but like between the bushes of a mall, so how hidden is that really

once at like 8 i told the boy i liked about how we watched porn together, and at his disgust i backtracked and lied, telling him it was him that asked me to search for it online, not me. i was such a bad sister

i cant remember how or when it stopped exactly either, but at around 9 i learned how babies were made, tho really only the bit about how sex let to babies, and that was it, i fearfully accepted my fate and secretly prepared for months how i was going to give birth and put the newborn on the doorstep of my house before anyone could notice, it was later that i learned what periods were, and their involvement with baby making. i had been saved. ha

around that same age, i keept being too interested in being object of sexual advances, it didnt occur to me that older men wanting to chat online with me was particularly wrong, or that sendind feet pics for them to post on their account could be something unsafe for me. it just made me feel pretty. until it made me feel scared of being found out, when he treatened of telling my friends and family.

anyway, it kinda stopped for me, if not for some short lived anonymous chats with strangers online every now and then

then, in my early teens i got the habit of silently ..... that, while i believed he was asleep in our shared room, but i will never know for sure if that was trully the case. and some years ago for weeks i woke up to the sound of .... that pretending not to have woken up out of shame of the confrontation. i gave myself the habit of sleeping with noise in my earphones instead. now i cant fall asleep without them because im too aware of the sounds of him breathing ir shifting in his bed.

i feel like the porn i was exposed to so young ended up ruining me and the relationship i can have with my brother forever, we still share a room, and everytime i hear a wet noise i cant tell if its the smack of his lips at night im or actually him masturbating, and i just fear forever our dynamics will be tainted of sexuality, and even if we get lucky enough to never have to learn anything of eachother's private business, what happened back then still happened, and i just selfishly hope he doesn't remember anything at all, because i just feel so so ashamed

id kms if he brings it up to me or tells anyone. if anyone i know irl learned about it i'd kms too

i feel like im the only person in the world that did/went through this, i need to erase my memory i want this to never had happened, im sick of myself i hate it when i talk about my brother to my friends as if i was normal, as if i hadn't done that, as if i had been a good sister growing up. i hate that i just forget about it most of the time, that i really trully think for a second im normal

dont get me wrong i know that curiosity was normal, i know im not fully to blame, but i really sickly wish it had been anyone else but the brother that im going to know my whole life

Hi guys. I just wanted to come on here and share my story. I am 24 years old. In March of 2026, I was suddenly let go from my job in a very humiliating way. I used to work remotely and my manager asked me to come in for a meeting to discuss our customers. I got to the office and she asked me to actually meet her and the CEO at a coffee shop across the street. They fired me in public. I was absolutely crushed. That same week, a guy I had been seeing randomly ghosted me and I was so hurt about that too. Then, I started having major issues with my parents who I live with.

I was very depressed most of April and didn’t have the courage or confidence to even try looking for a new job. I stayed in bed for almost two weeks. Then, as an effort to get myself moving again, I started working for uber and Amazon flex. I got very comfortable in that because it was independent work. In early May while doing Amazon flex, I met a man and we had a positive interaction and exchanged numbers. We hung out once in public and everything was fine. There were some very obvious red flags that I completely ignored. The reason I ignored them was because I was absolutely crushed and lonely and overwhelmed with rejection in my life. It felt nice to not be alone and pushed away for once. The second time I saw this man, he asked me to come to his apartment so we could chill and watch movies.

I went. A few hours in, he wanted to sleep together. I did not. He didn’t take this well. He stated he felt rejected by me and that I’m “leading him on.” I tried to diffuse the situation and it didn’t work. I was walking away to leave, and he attacked me from behind. I was strangled, beat, and SA’d pretty severely. I ended up getting away, called the police, and he was arrested.

I went home, and I didn’t know what to do for a long time. I slept and cried a lot. The forensic nurse had given me a plan B as well. My body hurt for weeks and I could no longer handle doing gig work. I ended up finding a job at a call center and got hired very fast. In my first few weeks at work, I got very sick. Come to find out, I was pregnant from the assault. I made the hard decision and booked an appointment for a surgical abortion. While I was dealing with all this, I get a letter in the mail that my abuser was released and charges dropped. Something about “unable to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.” Thankfully, he never contacted me.

After the procedure, I jumped into working all the time. I was able to assess my financial situation and I was very behind on bills. So, I started attacking various bills one by one. I got caught up on my car note, car insurance, phone bill, etc. The procedure took a massive toll on my mind, body, and soul. My monthly cycles are significantly heavier and worse now. My mood swings, irritation and emotional distress is off the charts.

I turn 25 this upcoming Saturday. But this is the first birthday that I’m really just not excited about at all. And no, I don’t have much of a support system. My parents are very strange people. I have tried to explain to the few friends I have but I feel like no one truly gets it. I experience intense jealousy when I see other women my age who are happy and in good relationships and being treated well. I feel like this was supposed to be the prime of my life you know? And I just feel devastated. I finally booked my first therapy session for next week. It’s so hard for me to have any hope or motivation if I’m being honest. I’ve lost my spark and lust for life and nothing really brings me joy. It’s been very hard … thank you to anyone who listened/read 🙂

I think I figured it out. I think I just want to get completely obliterated and high as shit 😂 like an itch you just can’t scratch? Like a fix that never lasts? Like the thing I’ve done a million times and never solved the original problem, the itch of unhealed wounds. The pain I didn’t know existed reared its head and was suddenly front and center. Every pill, pipe, or bump threw one more rotten bandage on bleeding, gaping holes, burns, and unrecognizable marks. It’s a feeling we know too well but when the bandages fall off and and nothing has healed, we sicken ourselves, we don’t ask for help, we don’t point out the pain because it’s too ugly, they’ll stare. The love will be gone like a wisp of cold air, and I’m left bare, strangers stare, horror and disgust “filthy cunt” words whispered just loud enough for me to hear. Words just loud enough to cut one more tear.

It doesn’t end there. The sores spread, rot seeps down into the bone, limbs are amputated one toe at a time. Parts of yourself you never get back, the ghost of their presence haunting and pain that doesn’t exist radiates down to the soul. The grief of each loss and agony on a face you no longer recognize. Fully, wholly, and irrevocably compromised. Betrayal burns when inflicted by others, but it breaks when it’s inflicted by self. To betray your own morals, your own values, your own dreams, desires, aspirations, and hopes. To betray yourself is… it’s a long, drawn out suicide.

Years of self abuse and punishment to pay for my crimes. Years of neglecting my body, spirit, heart, and mind. So much time…

Suddenly, I see it so clearly. 7 years of use and abuse. 7 years of.. no. I’m still hanging on to the past, why can’t I grasp that there’s no future there, no present, no fulfillment or enjoyment? Let it fucking go. How long will I be a martyr? How long will I stand in my own way? What do I have to do to get it through my fucking head?

This is MY life. I am responsible for each and every moment of my day. I am responsible for each and every decision I make. I have no control, no say, no power over others and their actions made. My reaction can change an entire course of an event or encounter. My thoughts, aimed low and bitter and hateful, seep into my words, my body, my heart and soul. They leave me cold. So angry.. at others, at me. It pours out of me and into them, to the world we all live in. So much anger everywhere you look. Stemming from a fear instilled at birth: different is scary and bad.

My anger—my fear—stems from the core belief that my differences make me less than. My life that I’ve lived, the choices I’ve made good or bad, make me worthless and sad. A pathetic loser that nobody believes in. Not even myself.

So here I am seeing and believing that this fear can only be combatted one way: stop giving a fuck. Where is it? Who knows? I gave that fuck away a long time ago. I must stop caring how others see me, what others think of me, what others say about me. Whether it’s good or bad. My validation, my self worth and self esteem come from within me. I’m not ashamed of who I am. The scars are there, but most of my wounds have healed. It’s time to embrace myself, the new me, the healed me, the present me.

I love and forgive my past selves. The things she did, she did out of love, survival, loyalty, selfishness, hatefulness, kindness, ingenuity, excitement, curiosity. She was not all good and she was not all bad. Every decision she made I’m grateful for today. I’ve made it this far. I’ve accomplished a lot—even though that’s still a difficult belief to have. But it’s true. I have accomplished a lot. I’m a good person with a big heart. I’m perfectly imperfect, exactly as it should be. I’ve finally found some love, who knew it’d come from me? -KBW

Anybody else deal with not only trauma through parental bonds but also siblings?
I (29F) don’t have any relationship with my older sibling (36M) but also don’t have good relations with parents. My parents basically coddled and always make excuses for brother but never me. They don’t call or text or check up on at weeks, even months at a time. I just feel so alone bc it’s not fair to put all my trauma on my bf. Idk if this even makes sense I’m just ranting but I just don’t feel like I have anyone. I have always just been a shadow and felt like I don’t matter. Lately my depression has just been getting the best of me and I just don’t feel like doing anything but reading to emerge myself in a different world. Does anyone else feel this way? I would love to know that I’m not alone.