My wife served me divorce papers this morning. We’ve been separated for a while, but something finally pushed her over the edge. I’ve been mulling it over and there’s only one explanation:
It was Pan.
If you don’t know, Pan is a shmup Youtuber who is absolutely toxic to the community. He puts out guide videos that show you how to get 1CCs. The problem? These videos can be viewed by literally anyone. Your wife, your mother, even your children could stumble upon a Pan stream.
I’m convinced my wife googled “Ray Force” and found this video specifically.
She heard him say “this game is actually mad doable” and “it’s really not that bad.”
It corrupted her mind. She started wondering why her husband demands total silence while shmuping if Pan can live-clear games and chat with an audience. She wondered why I’ve skipped work to practice a game that can be cleared in “under 10 hours.” She wondered why I’m still dying on stage 3 even though Pan beat the game on his second try -- then called Ray Force a “comfy clear.” She wondered why she ever married me.
Where does he get the nerve?
Jaimers would never do this. He knows proper etiquette -- that’s why he doesn’t speak. Everyone assumes he’s an ascetic Dutch hermit who just eats beans and plays shmups all day. Only true shmupers understand the restraint he possesses. The discipline it takes to not misuse his incredible power. The complete opposite of Pan.
Pan makes people think you suck. That you’re wasting your time. That you’re a loser who puts Ray Force above your own son.
He lives in your nightmares and relishes in it. Each waking moment is filled with the terror of your wife falling under his spell. You tell your children that monsters aren't real, but they see the truth in your pupils -- the mask slipping. You run out into the rain, scream at the moon, pray for a miracle!
But the miracle... the miracle never comes....
The happiest day of my life was when I heard about the dune-buggy crash. I thought my family was finally safe, but I was wrong. Pan is too resilient. To my horror, not only did he survive, but he was playing shmups a week later with a broken neck. The crash only increased his sex appeal.
And now he’s done this. He’s killed my family.
All afternoon, I’ve been devising a way to stop him. I’ve accepted that Pan cannot be destroyed, but maybe he can be silenced. It will just require the shmup community to band together.
Here are our demands. Pan must:
Change his wording to make sure people understand these games are practically impossible.
Add a disclaimer to all his videos stating that he holds the Contra AC world record (this is true).
Make all his videos private and only allow access to people who pass a shmup test/initiation/trial (suggestions welcome).
And if he doesn’t comply, we thumbs-down his videos.
My marriage was not the first that Pan has destroyed, but if we work together, it can be the last. Godspeed.
