Overheard the following at a house party...

Guy staying: You leaving already?

Guy leaving: I have a pregnant girlfriend at home.

Guy staying: A pregnant coworker you mean.

Guy leaving: Oh fuck off.

Guy staying: Just stay for one more drink. Let's at least cheers to you sleeping your way to the middle.

Guy leaving: I promised the missus one drink. I'm out dude.

Guy staying: Fair enough. Love you daddy!

Guy leaving: Cheers bud!

Here is the one side of a dialogue I overheard between a mom and daughter (I only heard the mom’s voice):

Mom: “Oh, you want that T-shirt, huh?
Do you even know that band?
Name one song.
Name one song without looking at your phone.
That’s what I thought.
I’m not gonna get you a shirt of a band you don’t know.”

The mom repeated this for several different shirts that I guess the kid wanted.

Something like…

Mom: “Boston? Name one song.
Tom petty? Name one song.
David Bowie? One song…”

etc.

A few minutes later I guess the kid finally named a song, cause I heard the mom say,

“You have to sing it if you want the shirt.”

Well, I don’t think she sang, because I guess the only reason she could even name a song was because she looked it up on her phone! Her sibling ratted her out! I don’t think any T-shirts were purchased.

I overheard a group of teenage girls and a teenage boy in the queue at the movies.

Ginger: You do know you're staring right?

Dimples: I'm not!

Crop Top: Ugh. Are you still obsessing over the guy in the yellow hoodie?

Dimples: It's mustard, not yellow.

Boy: It's yellow. What color is my shirt?

Dimples: Pink?

Boy: Salmon. Lawd she color blind.

Dimples: Shut up! I'm trying to focus.

Boy: It's called creeping, but you're a girl so it's apparently cute.

Bomber Jacket: Is it just me or is yellow hoodie giving gay?

Boy: It's not just you. I see a top. And I'm not talking about what he's wearing.

I'm minding my own business reading at the library. this little girl about 6 suddenly presents herself in my field of vision and hands me an acorn.

I say "hey, cool! thanks!" and pocket it. she's satisfied and moves straight on to the next reader, a grandpa-aged gentleman with his own book. he accepts his acorn and pops it straight into his mouth. looking her right in the eye, and bites down.

her: 😯you're not supposed to *eat* it!😀

him: oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was a squirrel.

her: *deciding what to do about this*

him: *chews*

her: *produces new acorn. holds it out of reach*: now, don't eat this one.

him: no I won't. I promise.

he got his acorn. I got an all-day grin.

Overheard my neighbors talking. ‘New Neighbor’ just moved in a few weeks earlier.
‘Chatty’ neighbor is real friendly and is always talking to everybody.

Chatty: “Nice to meet you, man! What do you like to do for fun?”

New Neighbor: “Have you ever heard of ‘trolling’…like, on the internet?”

Chatty: “No, what’s that?…. Is it where you sit over there under the overpass and spook whoever walks by?”

New Neighbor: “So basically it’s going on the internet and commenting on things people post. But purposely saying things to get them upset. To get a reaction out of them.”

Chatty: “Wait, I don’t get it. Why would you do that?”

New Neighbor: “Because it’s funny! Like, it’s so easy to get a rise out of other people by saying stupid stuff, like none of it even matters.”

Chatty: “ No, I get that part…What I’m asking is why would you waste your time doing that?”

New Neighbor: “Because it’s fun!”

Chatty: “man, I PROMISE you…there is nothing fun about that.”

New Neighbor: “No… I mean, I used to think it was fun. I don’t do it anymore! It’s just what I used to do.”

Chatty: “ok…well….I have an extra bike you can borrow if you wanna go for a bike ride.”

New Neighbor: “I have a car, I don’t need a bike to go anywhere”.

Chatty: “No, like the bike ride is the fun part. You gotta get out in the world more. Like going up that big ass hill (points to big ass hill) on a bike and then FLYYYIN DOWN.”

New Neighbor: interrupts him-“oh uhhhh….no thanks”

Chatty: “well let me know if you ever wanna borrow it!”

New Neighbor: “sure, thanks”
closes door

I should mention this….
If you were to picture ‘New Neighbor’ in your head… he looks *exactly* like what you are probably imagining.

overheard between two girls on my college campus

“i hate bald people. what did i do to deserve seeing bald people”

“even people with hair loss?”

“yes”

I overheard my gf and her coworkers during a Zoom meeting.

Giselle: Soooo... who was it?

Nigel: Not relevant, Giselle.

Giselle: Is it someone in this meeting?

Simon: I didn't do it.

Christine: Wasn't me.

Alex: Not guilty.

Girlfriend: I don't click on suspicious links from random email accounts.

Giselle: Well, someone did. And now we all need to go for a crash course in common sense.

Nigel: Boss's orders. The IT presentation tomorrow is mandatory.

Giselle: Can't the information in the presentation just be shared in an email? Why do we need a whole Ted Talk?

Nigel: Miguel?

Miguel: It's not a Ted Talk, Giselle. IT wants to avoid another security risk. Any of us could've clicked on that link. Playing the blame game is not gonna get us anywhere. We need solution driven thinking, hence IT stepping in to speak to us tomorrow. If we're all on the same page after tomorrow's meeting, it means we'll never have another meeting like that again, so I'm asking all of you to please be understanding and cooperative.

Nigel: Thank you, Miguel. Now... are there any questions or comments relating to this meeting specifically?

Simon: I have a question. The end of the year office party. I heard it's gonna be a camping trip. Is that true?

Nigel: Simon... what part of "this meeting specifically" was unclear?

Simon: I'm sorry. I just wanna know if I need to bring my own tent.

Giselle: I'm not sleeping in a tent.

Girlfriend: Why are we talking about tents? I heard the theme is gonna be dress up as your favourite board game character.

Alex: Like Monopoly?

Giselle: Or Jumanji.

Simon: Does pool count as a board game?

Christine: Board games... have boards. Pool... is played on a table.

Simon: I've seen people play chess on the ground. Does that mean it's a ground game?

Christine: Oh gosh.

Girlfriend: Can we confirm if the year end party is camping or costumes?

Nigel: Miguel?

Miguel: Good question.

I overheard my gf talking to her friend on the phone.

Jennifer: So I get to the PC repair shop. Explain to the guy the situation with my laptop screen. The guy literally presses one button. Boom. Fixed. I was like... what was the issue? The guy said there was nothing wrong with my laptop screen. The brightness was just on zero. I... died inside. Never felt so stupid in my life.

Girlfriend:

Jennifer: Anyway. Dumb moment.

Girlfriend: Honey, I'm waiting for you to unchange the topic.

Jennifer: We're done talking about Tuesday.

Girlfriend: I feel like calling you Jenelle instead of Jennifer because your life choices are giving hoe phase Giselle.

Jennifer: No one hoe phases like Giselle hoe phases. I don't have the looks or the time or the energy to hoe phase my way through life. I'm more in the not giving a fuck about who I fuck phase.

Girlfriend: But you have to give a fuck though. Especially as a young woman. You gotta protect that pussy.

Jennifer: I know you don't approve of you know who, and believe me, I don't blame you, but he's actually harmless. Yes, it's obvious that he's trying to sell me on joining his struggling O F account, but I'm using him too, more successfully I might add. I'm getting some decent dick out of our situationship. He's getting what? Sex? Fine. But he's never gonna get what he really wants because I do not do porn. I can barely pose for a selfie properly, let alone make love to the camera.

Girlfriend: You can do so much better, Jenny. And you need to stop downplaying how gorgeous you are. Your fuck buddy knows your body would boost his O F. That's the only positive quality I see in him. He sees the baddie we all see except you.

Jennifer: All I see are freckles and stretch marks.

Girlfriend: A bad bitch with cheetah spots AND tiger stripes??? Grrrrr.

I overheard my friends during an Uber ride.

Josh: She lost me when she started listing all her icks.

Vincent: What?

Josh: SHE LOST ME WHEN SHE STARTED LISTING ALL HER ICKS.

Vincent: We heard you the first time. I was actually talking to Rory.

Driver: Is the music too loud?

Vincent: Nah nah nah... you good bro.

Rory: I was pointing at a person on the street, but we past her. You missed it.

Vincent: Missed what?

Rory: Your mom. Next to her pimp.

Vincent: Motherfucker my mom is the pimp.

Rory: Joshy, we're listening. The girl with the icks.

Josh: This chick tells me she gets the ick when grown men wear backpacks. Backpacks bruh. Especially when both straps are used. She literally made fake puking noises while explaining.

Rory: I feel sorry for the guy who decides to go camping with her. Dude's gonna have to walk through the woods with a suitcase.

Josh: She said she tried therapy, but then her therapist also gave her the ick because he repeatedly said yep.

Vincent: I love my backpack. It's waterproof.

Josh: I hate dating.

Rory: Yep.

I'm sitting waiting for the light. Car stops next to me in right turn lane, just as he's hitting the gas, BAM, somebody hits him from behind. Not very hard.

Slammer jumps out screaming,"Why did you stop? It's a right on red after stop."

Slammee just looked confused.

Light turned green. I left.

Person on train talking to their friend: I think that man is listening to our conversation.

Downtown Brooklyn

Overheard a woman in a shiny black Escalade exlaim, as she slowed down to see whom the local, very-not-colorblind cops had pulled over this time. (Me, claiming I ran an invisible stop sign.)

Two fit-looking young men at my work were comparing injuries they’ve received in the past.

Guy 1: I had a boxed fridge fall from overhead and land on my neck and shoulders. My neck hurts sometimes now, but it didn’t do any serious damage.

Guy 2: Damn, you must be like Iron Man or something!

Guy 1: Nah, I’m just squishy.

So over the weekend I was out for lunch, and there was a group of hipsters behind me. Pretty much everything I post here comes from posh boys. Something to do with being a university town I think. I couldn’t see them, so I don’t know what heritage this person had, but what he said was:

“Honestly, I wish my Mum had just gone to China when she was pregnant and left me in an orphanage or something. It just seems like one of the less shit countries to grow up in. I mean I don’t wanna be Taiwanese, sorry Taiwan, and obviously not Korea. I wanna be Chinese!”

His friends were laughing, but one of them did point out it was kind of a shitty thing to say, at which point he loudly said:

“Yeah, but I’m allowed, though.”

My gf and I were brushing our teeth before bed when she suddenly remembered to send a voice message to someone. This is her with a mouth full of toothpaste.

"Sorry. One more thing. I'm not usually pro ghosting someome because communication is not rocket science, but in your case, I approve. Ghost that guy. I don't care how good that first date was. If he's looking for an O F partner, then he's got the wrong girl. Homie heard buy me a drink first and said I'm gonna buy me a bitch. Fuck that. Fuck him. Ghost his ass! That's all I wanted to add. Love you Jenny. Night."

Also functions as a walk in clinic.
Do you guys do stitches here? I have a slight laceration (shows bandaged finger).
I think it goes to the bone.

Slight? To the bone? Those two do not go together in my mind.

I overheard my gf and her friend Giselle, who visited our apartment to deliver a lamp she no longer wanted. For the record, as with all my longer posts, I had help from my gf putting this together word for word.

Girlfriend: Is Ethan not coming in?

Giselle: He prefers to wait in the car. His social battery is fucked. Plus... bad day at work. Like... really bad.

Girlfriend: What happened?

Giselle: Gurrrl... it's more like what didn't happen. Did I tell you Ethan got hired to be a cameraman on some random reality ghost hunting show?

Girlfriend: Yes. You said if he came back haunted, you'll assume he's got an STG. Sexually. Transmitted. Ghost.

Giselle: Exactly. So. Ethan's been filming this ghosting hunting show for the past couple of weeks now, and he's been doing a fucking fantastic job, despite the long days and late nights filming all kinds of creepy ass shit, including the unrealistic expectation to make the "paranormal investigators" look good on camera, even though they're just a bunch of middle aged men who never peaked, trying to summon dead people for content. Anyway, today was not Ethan's day because he forgot to do the one thing he was hired to do... PRESS THE FUCKING RECORD BUTTON.

Girlfriend: Bitch, not so fucking loud. He might hear you.

Giselle: All he's hearing right now is the voice inside his head asking him how the fuck this happened.

Girlfriend: How did it happen?

Giselle: According to Ethan, most people who do camera work for a living experiences something like this at least once in their career. Sometimes they just... I dunno... lose focus without realising it and think they're recording when they're actually not. At least he came clean to the producers as soon as he noticed, instead of keeping his mouth shut and letting the editors figure out that some of the footage was missing.

Girlfriend: Is he gonna be okay?

Giselle: Well... not today obviously. He's in his sad boy mode at the moment. Which is totally okay. His feelings are valid. But I'm gonna need him to stop being so fucking hard himself because mistakes happen. No one got fired... and I mean... let's be fucking honest... it's not like the show found a ghost that was standing by for a close up while Ethan didn't record.

Girlfriend: I feel like Ethan needs gentle Giselle right now. Be you. But not... too you.

Giselle: Okay so... hugs instead of handjobs.

Girlfriend: Uh... something tells me Ethan might appreciate both.

Giselle: This is why I avoid real relationships. I don't fucking know how to girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Yes you do. Ethan's probably sitting in that car thinking he doesn't know how to do his job. But guess what? He does though. Otherwise no one would've hired him. You... are gonna girlfriend the fuck out of that boy... with or without hugs and handjobs.

The students in my k4 class have some of the funniest conversations. This one was between 2 boys.
Boy 1: you know there’s dead bodies in the sewers.
Boy 2: no way
Boy 1: yeah I saw it on TikTok
Boy2: when I grow up I want to be a ninja turtle.
Boy 1: you know they live in the sewer too.

Last night I was visiting with a friend and her adult daughter. My friend was talking about her time working as a field biologist.

Friend: I remember back when I was doing transects…

Daughter interjects: I do trans-sex all the time.

My girlfriend's brother, aka Tom, stayed with us recently. I overheard Tom on the balcony during a video call with his best friend, Oliver. Full disclosure, both my gf and I were eavesdropping on this one. We couldn't help ourselves.

Tom: What's happening? Is something stuck in your teeth?

Oliver: It's allergies bro.

Tom: Allergies... in your teeth? That, my friend, is what we call cavities.

Oliver: Shut up. I'm trying to scratch my palate with my tongue.

Tom: You're doing what with your tongue?

Oliver: Did you wake up dumber this morning?

Tom: Yep.

Oliver: Okay. Take out your pen and paper. Write this down. If you open your mouth and say aah, the palate is the part at the top. Still with me?

Tom: Palate. Top part. Got it. Question. Is it necessary to say aah when I open my mouth?

Oliver: No questions. So... because of my allergies, my palate becomes itchy, therefore, I use my tongue to scratch my itch. The end. Class dismissed.

Tom: Are you sure your palate is itchy because of allergies bro?

Oliver: Dick jokes are beneath you bruh. You're not in school anymore.

Tom: I was literally in school just now because of you. And I never said anything about dick. YOU did.

Oliver: No no no, YOU did. I just preempted the punchline.

Tom: Sure buddy.

Oliver: Dude... I'm not in the mood for Sunday.

Tom: The whole fruit party thing. Yeah. I dunno. Everyone bringing fruit to create one big fruit salad sounds fun on paper, but it also sounds like work, and I don't wanna work on the day before work work, you know what I mean?

Oliver: You wanna pull out?

Tom: Oof. I dunno man. Do you?

Oliver: I'll pull out if you pull out.

Tom: I mean it's free food though.

Oliver: Not really. Some of it will be your food.

Tom: Valid. I dunno. I'll think about it.

Oliver: If... we're going, I wanna be the guava guy. Help people poop regularly while they party.

Tom: Nice. I'm gonna bring the forbidden fruit. Apples. And before you say it, I know it's unclear what fruit Eve actually ate. I don't give a shit. It's an apple in my book.

Oliver: Imagine it was a lemon. Eve be like yo Satan what the fuck.

Tom: Why sin gotta be this fucking zesty bruh.

It just after three this afternoon, when elementary school kids were walking home. Two boys that look to be in fifth or sixth grade:

“… because you ate all the cookies!”
That’s all of it I could hear.

ETA- I may make a point to be outside more often when the kids are walking by.

I was taking a walk around my neighborhood and as I passed one house, I heard a woman's voice say something I couldn't understand. I then heard a man say, "Huh?" The woman said loudly, "It's beautiful!" She sounded annoyed, though, probably because she had to repeat herself. The incongruity between her words and her tone of voice amused me.

I popped in the gas station to get a coke. Male customer is chatting with the two male cashiers.

Customer says, "oh yea I'd get a hair transplant tomorrow if I could afford it! I'll be 42 next week. Hair transplant would mean I could pull 20 year olds."

Eww no, my dude. Get a hair transplant all you want, but stick to a less creepy age range for dating.

I used to sell ag equipment. Sometimes, I would have to arrange transportation if someone bought a piece of equipment. I was working for a dealer in east central Missouri and a farmer in southern Minnesota bought a used sprayer from me and wanted it shipped to him (at his cost of course). I called my main local trucker I deal with and give him all the details and measurements. Then I left work to attend my daughter’s high school track meet. I’m standing around the long jump pit with some other parents and my local trucker calls me on my cell phone with a quote. He says it’s like $10,000 on a week day cause it’s over width and he’d have to have escorts. I say “How much are the escorts?” And then notice every other parents head snap in my direction. Spent the extra 5-10 minutes explaining the telephone call had nothing to do with female escorts but escort cars for a wide load.