To start with, here's a quick recap of what triggered my current OCD episode.

My summer break was coming to an end, and during that time I was playing Final Fantasy XVI. I got incredibly attached to the game, its world and its characters, to the point where I developed a kind of parasocial attachment to Clive and Jill, the main characters, and their relationship in general. Their relationship has honestly become my go-to example of what romantic love should look like to me.

The ending was particularly emotional and left a lot open to personal interpretation. I'm a highly emotional person (I might not cry very often, but my heart and soul are pretty easy to shatter, and when something hits me emotionally, it hits HARD. I'm just easily moved by all kinds of things). I spent several days thinking about the ending and everything it made me feel. Alongside all the positive emotions, especially love and hope, I also experienced a sense of loss, grief and emptiness, something commonly referred to as post-game depression.

Unfortunately, the timing couldn't have been worse. I was going through this intense emotional experience without having much to ground myself in or keep me occupied. Then, one night, while lying in bed and thinking about everything, it suddenly hit me that I had to return to the real world because I had university classes the next morning. I think I was also afraid that I would somehow lose those feelings, that connection to the world and the experiences I'd had. That realization triggered a panic attack, and shortly afterwards my OCD came back in full force.

Now, to explain what my current symptoms actually look like.

My main themes at the moment seem to revolve around meta-OCD, existential OCD, and OCD targeting my emotions, happiness and hope. Whenever I think about the game's ending and the feelings of hope and love it inspired in me, that familiar voice at the back of my mind immediately starts questioning everything.

What's particularly frustrating is that, during the first four or five days after finishing the game, my OCD symptoms almost completely disappeared. This had practically never happened to me before. I felt almost like someone who had just fallen in love. Of course, I know it wasn't literally that, but that's probably the best way to describe the feeling. It was like nothing could ruin my mood, and nothing really seemed capable of bothering me.

I wonder whether the intensity of the emotions I was experiencing had something to do with it, especially the love, hope and happiness, but also the grief and sense of loss.

Unfortunately, the OCD eventually came back. And one thing I keep feeling guilty about is that maybe, if I'd returned to reality sooner instead of trying to prolong that emotional high by listening to the soundtrack, watching edits and interviews, and revisiting everything connected to the game, this wouldn't have happened. I know I can't really know that, but the thought keeps coming back.

Objectively, I understand that these doubts, feelings of anxiety and constant questioning are connected to my OCD. I also know that OCD can't physically change my memories or erase the positive experiences and emotions I had during the summer, including everything connected to the game and its characters. I genuinely experienced those moments, and the fact that I'm struggling with OCD now doesn't change what happened back then.

But emotionally, it feels completely different. My feelings seem to tell me the exact opposite of what I understand logically.

I've also started noticing a pattern that seems to have been present during previous episodes, including a particularly bad one around two years ago. It feels as though my OCD specifically targets hope, happiness, love and the possibility of things getting better.

For example, whenever I try to reassure myself that things will eventually be okay, that I'll learn to accept my OCD and live a normal life despite the intrusive thoughts, or that I'll eventually find meaning in life and experience genuine love, the same kind of doubt immediately appears. I think part of it is that I want to experience the kind of love that Clive and Jill have, and even that hope seems to become a target for my OCD.

But what if you don't? What if things never get better? What if you're wrong?

And it just keeps going in circles.

Sometimes it all happens so quickly that I'm not even able to register the actual thoughts. I mostly notice the feelings that suddenly appear, like doubt, anxiety or a sense that something is wrong. I think those feelings are probably the best way to describe what I'm experiencing, even when I can't identify the exact thought that triggered them.

It doesn't seem to matter what the subject is. Whether I'm thinking about recovering from OCD, accepting it, finding happiness, discovering my purpose in life, finding someone I genuinely love and trust, or even trusting in and living for God (I'm a religious person, or at least I think I am), that same feeling of doubt and uncertainty eventually shows up.

It's especially frustrating when I'm trying to enjoy some form of media, whether it's a video game, a movie, a book, a podcast, or even just a conversation with someone, and something inspires feelings of hope, love or happiness in me. Instead of simply enjoying those emotions, my OCD immediately jumps in with another "Yeah, but what if not?"

It's as if I'm no longer allowed to experience those positive feelings without having them questioned or undermined by my own mind.

And the worst part is that understanding the problem doesn't seem to help much. I can recognize the pattern, understand how OCD works, and intellectually acknowledge that these doubts might be part of my OCD rather than meaningful conclusions. But the emotional response is still there.

It's like my OCD couldn't care less about logic, facts or arguments. No matter how many times I try to explain things to myself, the doubts and that uncomfortable feeling just keep coming back.

I honestly don't know how to deal with this anymore. It's exhausting to feel like even the things that bring me hope, comfort and happiness can become another source of anxiety.

So I wanted to ask: does anyone else experience something similar?

Does your OCD seem to target positive emotions, especially hope, happiness, love or the possibility of a better future? Do you ever find that it interferes with your ability to enjoy fictional worlds, characters or stories that mean a lot to you?

And if you've experienced this kind of pattern, how do you deal with it? Because being aware of the mechanisms behind my OCD clearly hasn't been enough to stop it from affecting how I experience these things.

People don't seem to understand mental health and automatically dismiss it. They call you a leech and lazy person for when you're struggling with something that's not physically noticeable. It's like trying to force disabled person to sprint.

Hi I’m in my late thirties(M), I’ve been suffering from ocd from age 17. For three years I only had normal ocd(washing hands, checking doors) but for like 6 months I was cured completely. Doctors stopped medicine and I was back to normal. But when I was in my university I got to know one of my closest friend is gay. From that day onwards I got scared and I got hocd. Now for more than a decade I’m still recovering( I’m on sertaline 100mg).
I’m trying Accepting the thoughts but it’s disgusting. I’m only attracted to girls, I get sexual thoughts for every male person I see. Some times when I’m taking a wash or using toilet I get visual thoughts of men doing sexual stuff with me. and it’s like real life then I do ruminations to confirm nothing happened, this has ruined my life.

The thoughts I’m getting are;
All homosexual things which I’m not arroused but scared. The thing is it’s better to die than doing those stuff with men. Thats the belief my doctor said is not heling to cure this illness.

My anxiety has got from like 10 points to 2, but the constant intrusive sexual thoughts are there.
Some of the thoughts I get:
I get all these thoughts even for my dad and my 4 brothers, for every male person I see, even when I’m driving. If I park my vehicle and some guy walk past my vehicle I get thoughts I have opened the window and did oral to him. Then I will spend like 20-30 minds ruminating if it really happened. My life is like hell with this hocd. When I had normal ocd I was functioning but now it’s unbearable. My anxiety level is very low now but thoughts are attacking me.
When I brush my teeth I get thoughts that it’s not a brush and it’s some guys penis. Like every time I’m awake I’m in flight or fight mode, hyper vigilant, rumination. I have no other type of ocd.

Like few Months back I got pocd, I work at a child care facility and I couldn’t even work properly I was always ruminating. But I saw a Reddit comment to accept the worst scenes that my intrusive thoughts throwing at me, and one day when I’m home I imagined worst about the pocd thoughts I’m getting and accepted everything. After doing that I never got a single thought of pocd that I had ruminated even I got I didn’t care.

Can someone please explain is accepting the worst cases the only cure for this? But accepting the hocd thoughts are very hard for me. Please advise me. Thanks.

One of my biggest obsessions is potentially getting violated and/or taken advantage of. No matter how close I am with that person. It is a fear I have which makes me very hyper vigilant with potential partners. I think this also stems from my general fear of men. Which was triggered by watching true crime as well as encounters with men that are into a lot of questionable things

I refuse to participate in hookup culture not only because of STDs but also because of my fear of getting assaulted.

I have some pretty unusual things that I am into sexually that I also feel guilty about. It makes me feel morally impure and like I would be more likely to be violated and/or abused by a sexual partner if I were to experiment with these things. Then I will begin a loop of “I don’t know if I like this as much as I thought. This is degrading and abusive” and “you know you like it, stop pretending that you’re not disgusting and morally impure”.

PS: if you have similar obsessions about sex which have lead to sex aversion and sexual shame, I recommend reading the book Sexual Anorexia: Overcoming Sexual Self-Hatred by Dr. Patrick J. Carnes. When I read this book it was the first time my feelings about sex were put into words

It's been a long journey. Ever since I moved to the suburbs and got a house it plagues me 24/7. Fear of people yelling at me/my spouse in public, at restaurants, in movie theaters, etc. My biggest issue is feeling my neighbor will yell at me/us for making noise, running power tools, not mowing our lawn, you name it. Granted this neighbor is IRL a piece of work who does antagonize people which doesn't help. But every day from sun up to sun down this is what is continuously on my mind.

My compulsions involve being so polite as to eliminate any reason someone would yell at me/us. No holding up the line at the store, no making loud noise in the yard, etc, etc. It's exhausting and it obviously has a big impact on my spouse. I did ~6 months of ERP with a really good (expensive) therapist and it was a big help. But after I stabilized my situation, I stopped because it was exhausting and it was so expensive. We've started trying for kids and the thought of what a kid would add to this mix terrifies me.

I've been worrying that it's been creeping back and that I'm in danger of relapsing back to where I was a year ago which was a really dark place. I've had to start doing lean ins again and other techniques. But it's exhausting to keep up with ERP ...

Can anyone relate? Has anyone conquered this kind of issue in their journey yet?

I grew up in a religious household, my parents were moderate Christians who became athiests around 7 years after I was born and my grandmother is super religious

The teachings of the bible and religion were drilled into my head as a kid, especially Hell

It scared the shit out of me and 5 year old me would pray everyday just so I wouldn't go. The thought of eternal suffering scared me so much as a child and I wonder if it did for anyone else.

My son in 24 yo. He is currently on 75 mg sertraline and 2,400 mg NAC. 4.5 mg low dose naltrexone. B complex, omegas. Some other supplements.

He also has Level 2 Autism and Intellectual Disability.

We’ve been managing, but he has fixations that have caused some risky behaviors and elopement. Some Fight or Flight episodes.

I added in a functional and testing. He has been improving and his OCD thoughts seem more easily redirected. He is calmer and happier.

But, he still has fixations. I watched this on Thursday night. He was waiting for the basketball coach to arrive. He couldn’t settle until she got there. We left the practice smoothly. (Last year at this time, it was problematic to even leave).

He still had fixations after we got to a store. Brought up going back to basketball practice. I told him no. We made it to the checkout, he headed to the bathroom. 90 seconds later I was waiting for him to come out of the bathroom - but he had left the building. Called 911 and with the help of Apple Find My Phone and the police - got him safely back.

We see a top neurologist in Chicago this coming Friday.

Reading through this sub-Reddit - I’m trying to understand. Do your OCD thoughts stop with medication or supplements? Or are they still there and you just don’t act on them?

What helped the most?

At his Day Program, they told me he still has fixations, but he is easily re-directed. Like I mentioned earlier, the recent fight or flight episodes have significantly improved.

I think the challenge is dealing with his intellectual disability and impulsivity in conjunction with the OCD.

I’ve made huge diet improvements that have helped a lot. Low Glutamate, high vegetables. I’m in it for the long haul, obviously, but need to keep him safe in the meantime.

I’ve been reading and listening a lot that 90% of seratonin is made in the gut and from the autism side and overall - how the gut-brain connection is huge.

I’ve been working on all of this for years - but picking up some slack after being newly unemployed and dealing with the glaring issues we are dealing with.

I called about CBt several weeks ago and was told with his level of disability it wouldn’t be an option.

I know more and more is coming out with research and treatments. I have a lot of hope with the recent improvements I’ve seen.

He is more present and I don’t want him on prescriptions that might dumb him down. Or cause aggression.

By that, I mean to the point that it lasts all day and all night and you have absolutely no breaks at all, not even a second. I used to be like that until I took sertraline which definitely helped slower the process, but I felt so alone and as though my case was incredibly unusual.

hey everyone! i have awful cross contamination ocd.
i got diagnosed with ocd shortly before i moved, so i never went to therapy for it (but i am looking for a therapist).
i came on here to look for advice on how to maybe deal with it for the time being.
for example: i bought a new very expensive lipstick today, my friend who is starting to get physically sick opened it and held it up to properly look at it.
since then ive been contemplating throwing it away because of the fear that harmful bacteria is now on the lipstick, and will spread to me and everyone i know if i use it.
its things like these that make life difficult.
advice is really appreciated!

I am a university student with OCD and I have to strictly write my notes for everything, this also comes with the having to write every single world perfectly and scrapping a paper whenever a word is off center, is spelled wrong, or it just doesn’t look right. this has caused me to lose SO much time i could’ve spent actually progressing through my studies but it just feels like this constant cycle of my notes not being good enough, not being efficient enough and not looking right. just wondering if anyone has any suggestions or advice? i would love to hear your own experiences too, it’s really rough out here. thank you so much 🩷

(i am NOT willing to transfer to writing notes digitally)

I’m a young Muslim F, and I’ve been struggling with unbearable shame and regret over a past experience with a guy from my medical school class. I had always been serious, ambitious, and principled, with clear standards for myself and the kind of man I wanted. Yet I crossed intimate boundaries I had always wanted to reserve for marriage with someone I never saw a future with, someone who was completely incompatible with me. There was no intercourse, but I deeply regret what happened and have sincerely repented to Allah.

What destroys me most is that I cannot understand how I ended up in that situation with him. I feel like I betrayed the person I thought I was, and my self-esteem has been shattered.

Now, seeing girls my age getting married, and even younger girls having higher standards than I did, makes me feel even worse. I’ve reached a point where I envy everyone, even people who are simply laughing and enjoying life, because I feel like everyone is moving forward while I’m stuck in regret.

This has affected my career, my relationships, and my ability to enjoy life. I’ve even given up on taking my specialty entrance exam because the thought of seeing him and people from my class feels unbearable.

I know I made a mistake, and I’m not trying to justify it. But I cannot keep living with this shame.

The pain has become unbearable, and I honestly don’t know how to live with it anymore. My life has become something I never imagined for myself, and I have no idea how to move forward or come to terms with a reality I never wanted for myself. I’m hurting so deeply that it consumes every part of me. I can’t enjoy my life anymore, I can’t stop regretting what happened, and I feel like I’ve lost the future I once dreamed of. I’m emotionally exhausted, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep living with this much pain. I just want this suffering to stop, because I don’t know how to find my way out of it.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you forgive yourself, stop comparing yourself to other women, and finally find peace again without letting one mistake define your entire life?

I just found out that my friend died by suicide. They were going through so much and now I can’t even comprehend the fact that we’ll never talk again.

My thoughts are a complete mess. It’s either the refusal to understand how a person can just be gone, the OCD telling me that I should’ve done more, that it’s my fault, that everything we last did is the last thing we ever did together. I want it to go silent so badly, but I don’t want to mourn them because how can they be gone? How can our last time talking be the last time? I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense

EDIT: Thank you all so much for your support. I’ve been in therapy/trying meds for my OCD so I think posting this was me desperately reaching for support, so I truly am thankful to you all for your responses. I can’t bring myself to respond individually as honestly I don’t even know what to say each time other than thank you and I’m crying constantly. Thank you again and thank you for the lack of reassurance because I can feel myself wanting to write everything it’s telling me to get answers.

Also edited the verbiage on the actual event..I didn’t realize it was changed which makes so much sense but now ofc my OCD is screaming about how insensitive it was for me to have written what I initially wrote.

i spend hours on end throwing away stuff from my family house (its a 30+ years old house that has had even up to 6 people living in it at some points so you can imagine) but it's never quite enough, the house seems filled with stuff that i dont even know where it comes from. no matter how many bags i throw the house is still a mess and it genuinely distresses me to be in it. thankfully i often stay over at my boyfriend's house but it's driving me insane

Just been diagnosed with OCD and prescribed Luvox, but I’m too worried to take it because what if I don’t actually have OCD 🫠

Not really sure what I’m asking. Just sharing my current mental state...

I have mental problems and it’s hard for me to understand simple stuff because I don’t understand. This is my second try to be able to post on this feed. I am not saying I have any documented illnesses and I will not ask any questions and I am venting and want no reassurance.

I have an obsession with numbers. They control my life. I only drink anything at the hour mark. I also love even numbers so I like all my numbers I see add up to an even number. I feel like when I do or see an odd number bad luck is going to follow or something bad is going to happen. I only take my medication on the hour etc. These numbers are destroying my life. I am constantly looking at a clock, or my watch. If I look at the time and it is an odd number I feel mad at myself. If I look at the clock and it is even I feel good. Like I feel lucky. I don’t want to do this but I do it anyway.

I hope I didn’t break any rules with this post. I tried very hard to write it without breaking them. Thank you for reading!

i have a fear of saliva very badly. i throw up almost everyday because of thinking of it. my therapist recommended that whenever i get grossed out during brushing my teeth, as i feel disgusted when toothbrush has been contaminated with my saliva and i cannot wash it off, to get a second toothbrush to switch over to. i feel as if this will just feed the phobia?? i am scared to start and eventually end up with a 10 toothbrush rotation. what do you guys think?

My brother was diagnosed with OCD around a year ago. Since then he has tried traditional talk therapy, ERP therapy, IOP, and now on meds. Nothing has improved though and instead just gets worse.

His OCD is centered on contamination. He has lots of rules for himself including having to wash hands over 10 times, refusing to wear certain clothes, being convinced he has diseases like rabies, etc. He hasn’t left the house in weeks and barely washes himself or brushes his teeth.

He has violent outbursts, including screaming and crying, threatening to hurt himself, and breaking objects. He has broken down walls and doors and threatened to slam his head and body on things. He sometimes does hit his head during episodes. I feel so bad for him but don’t know how to help.

I think he might need to be admitted or go to a PHP or something but I don’t know. His OCD is so extreme he can barely function let alone work, school, etc. I don’t know what to do. I worry for him and also the rest of the family. He has an episode randomly and they happen at least once a week. I’ve told him he needs to go to the hospital and maybe needs a PHP and he refuses. He dropped out of the IOP halfway, and doesn’t have a therapist anymore. When we say we need to call an ambulance during the episodes he gets even more severe. What do I do?

At fucking 35 I have finally worked a full time job for a year for the first time. My boss said I’m doing a great job. Never thought I’d be able to do this.

did my shopping at aldi today spent a tenner and was ready to walk out when i saw someone had left 2 packs of leaking raw chicken on the side by the self service checkouts where i was scanning my items. now i have convinced myself that every inch of me is contaminated with raw chicken juice and ive had to throw away all my food which has really pissed me off. ive showered and cleaned everwhere with antibacterial wipes but idk how to wash my backpack and my purse AND my money!!! ill leave it for tomorrow but im so angry and cant relax. also all my food i have wasted im really sad :(

Even though I’ve managed to overcome my physical compulsions, I’m still struggling with intrusive thoughts and mental obsessions. However, because I mentioned to my psychiatrist that I’m doing much better than I was two years ago, they’ve stopped looking for further solutions. They just keep renewing my prescription and sending me on my way. What steps can I take from here? Unfortunately, I also have a bit of an issue with medication misuse.

I'm 24F, I do lots of compulsions around this question like checking if women like me exist and whether it's going to change for me some day, and also obsessive comparison with my friends because they do experience romantic attention, and checking memories of my experience in highschool, trying to find a hint that someone might have had a secret crush on me. And also trying to neutralize my fear by forcing myself to not care.

I have black and white thinking : if I'm a woman and I've never experienced romantic attention it means it's over for me. And that I'm probably the only woman on earth like that ( which I know isn't true)

I was also called ugly by random guys on the street 2 years ago and I rarely ever get catcalled. So my ocd used this as proof that it's over for me.

Is this a valid ocd theme or something else? I think it's ocd since I'm doing compulsions about it. But it's also real and distressing (but every theme can be distressing right ) .

I just can't get myself to get out of the rumination loop ( most of my compulsions are mental ) + I have endless conversations with chatgpt about this topic and I stay up at night and I'm not getting enough sleep despite having to go to work in the morning .

I'm also afraid of bringing this up to my therapist because maybe they won't recognize it as a real ocd theme and they might think I'm a femcel or something ( I've never consumed this type of content but my brain literally created it for me).

Does your OCD get worse and better during specific times of year? For like last 3 years my OCD would always get really bad around October-November and would be really bad till like May-June and then it would get better till October or November, and again it got really bad recently, anyone with similar experience?

Do you people get stressed after checking something you know was going to be bad? Idk if I can fully describe it due to sub rules but on the one of the largest sites for "asian comics", on the front page for most popular was a disgusting looking cover, I was grossed out but I wanted to read the comments on it to see the general opinion. After the fact though I stress out doubly, worrying that to any outsider looking at my history somehow, it would simply look like I was looking at weird shit and my actual reasoning would sound like a made up excuse.

Is that a normal ocd thing or is this an oddity and is probably something else?