Ive known for a few months that my fiance has been smoking crack. I told her I didnt like that but she said it was only a few times a week no big deal. And this is new on top of an old heroin(now ) fetynal addiction. I don't use . well she wants to quit the fetty and she's on a list to get an ibogaine treatment. Anyway so the crack has gotten to everyday, the lies start happening, she's finding reasons to blame me for things to leave over and keeps bringing up old things that we've resolved . well she's started hanging out with these black guys that sell crack and is gone for days at a time and also moved out. Ive been trying to work on things with her cause I love her so much and she tried staying off a few days at a time but winds up goimg to get more . well I told her I didnt want her to go without me anymore, she agreed but that didnt last but a day. Caught her lying about what she was doing when she was really at crack park. So I got upset about that , tried to talk about it and so I thought well this is just getting worse and worse. So I told her , and I was really scared to , but i said me or the crack . i started crying right after I said it cause I kind of knew which she would choose. I don't think I could've kept to it. But today I found her in her car with a black guy. Her head comes up, hairs all a mess, sees me and starts to drive off .but then rolled her window down and yelled at me to leave her the fuck alone and drove off. I didnt even get a word out as I think I was in shock and my heart just fell out of my chest. I don't know what I'm looking for here but I really could use some help. Because I'm hurting really bad and Im really angry with her about all this and who she has become and the things she is now doing that she never would've before. Part of me wants to just say f her and walk away from this for her infidelity and lying. Buy the other part still loves her and wants her to get help for herself. Im not sure what to do cause she is also threatening a restraining order

I've realized that my mother is smoking pot and I know it's not legally either. I feel it's affecting her behaviour quite a bit as well. When she asked me earlier to come through for something as soon as I opened her bedroom door I could smell it and just tried to get out of there. For the past nearly 10 years she'd often drink quite heavily at night and it's made her behave very strangely to say the least. I think I've got PTSD and childhood trauma as a result. She also vapes as well (illegally). Something else that's really bugging me is that she told me recently she couldn't afford for us to go on our usual holiday this year saying money is a bit tight yet things like pot and vapes are quite expensive aren't they? I'm a 19 year old male and I live in Perth Western Australia and what should I do?

Here is my full childhood experience about what both of my parents are like if you need any background.

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalabuse/s/BLGcZr2GfV (PLEASE READ)

Me and my brother suffer from severe addiction. Im sober 4 months and my brother has mostly not messed with drugs excpet smoking weed, drinking here and there. The last 6 months he's moved away and lost atleast 30 kg. Cannot recognize him, I know his on meth. No questions I already know, without more details. Im literally terrified to call him. I dont know why, but Ive had a few drinks in me and I just want to swear the fuck out of him over the phone. His got kids, and he just left. I was an addict before him, He was so against drugs. Like I just truly dont know what to say.

​

My partner had leaned on substances heavily to mask his mental health issues after we had our baby. But in hindsight going through my diary entries after we would fight over years of our marriage, I realize that he had addictive tendencies and our fights weren't that much different before pregnancy, during pregnancy or after our baby was born. If anything it just increased because he was using more to the state where addictive behaviour started to come out.

I have lost confidence in making decisions and knowing what is right because of the months of gaslighting - I blamed myself for so many months, blamed my post partum hormones and almost admitted myself to a mental health clinic because felt like I was going insane. I also have a lot of trust issues as his decisions financially affected us greatly and growing up I had to deal with my parents gambling addiction. I have a lot of past and present trauma.

I left in March this year and it was the hardest but best decision I made for us. It's October now and he's so different in a positive way He's the person I married and loved being around but I also have lost my attraction for him. I know that he was dealing with an illness when he took advantage of my kindness, care and made the decisions to leverage substances over supporting me during my most vulnerable time, but I also can't shake that it wasn't fair that he didn't make the decision is get help when he had a family that needed him.

My nervous system gets shaken when I'm around him still, even though he's himself again. As much as I am set on staying separated and getting a divorce, I am also afraid I am making a mistake by not giving our marriage another try - almost like it feels like it's my duty as his wife to be there for him. Is my decision to end our marriage entirely fair since he's actually choosing to stay sober?

My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and married for over 20 years. He was the love of my life, and I never imagined we would end up here.

Over the past 2.5 years, his personality has changed dramatically. He has a history of addiction and is currently prescribed high doses of Adderall and Xanax. He also uses extremely large amounts of marijuana concentrates daily and uses psilocybin mushrooms.

He has become increasingly paranoid, irrational, and verbally abusive. He makes bizarre accusations about me, including that I’m having affairs, sending explicit pictures, and conspiring against him. None of it is true, but he is absolutely convinced. There is no reasoning with him.

He hasn’t worked in three years, and I’ve been solely responsible for supporting our family financially. His behavior has escalated to hours-long episodes of rage, screaming horrible things at me, destroying my belongings, reckless driving, threatening suicide, and showing up at my workplace screaming and banging on doors and windows. He has lost significant weight, and his relationships with our children (three of whom are adults) have deteriorated terribly.

I’ve spent years trying to help him, reaching out to his doctor, encouraging treatment, and desperately trying to understand what happened to the man I married. He insists nothing is wrong with him and that I am responsible for everything.

Things finally became so frightening that I filed for a domestic violence protection order, which was granted for myself and our 16 year old son.

I’m devastated. I still love him, or at least the person he used to be. It feels like I’m grieving someone who is still alive.

Has anyone experienced this kind of dramatic personality change associated with stimulants, benzodiazepines, and heavy marijuana use? Did your loved one ever recognize what was happening? Did treatment help? Did the person you knew ever come back?

I’m not looking for anyone to excuse his behavior. I know I have to protect myself and my family. I’m just trying to make sense of something that has completely turned our lives upside down.

So I’ve had no contact from a partner for months. He gave himself to the drugs. I told him that his powders are stronger than me many times and that I’d never ask him to stop.
I know that he comes by the house sometimes and never knocks. Things have been moved around outside and the dog barks his specific bark for him. I do nothing about it. I won’t, unless he knocks and I can’t give him the courage for that.
Yesterday morning, I had an insane urge to go looking for him and didn’t. This afternoon, I called the hospital to see if I was right. I was, he’d been brought in by ambulance for withdrawals and discharged himself.
This has happened a few times.
When does the thread stop existing?

Me (20F) and my boyfriend (27M) have been dating for over a year now, he’s always done drugs, I do too, but lately he’s gotten totally addicted to ❄️ and alcohol, to the point where he can’t function without being high, whenever he has to be with anybody, have lesson or a gig (he plays and teaches guitar) or any activity that isn’t lying motionless in bed, and he has been pushing me away so bad, basically neglecting me, we text and call everyday but I haven’t seen him in over three weeks and I’m just heartbroken without him. I wish I could do something but the best thing I can do is leave him alone when he asks me to, even if it hurts me so much and gives me so much anxiety. For example last night I was supposed to sleep over at his place but he told me he was feeling like shit and wanted to be alone, then in the middle of the night he started texting me saying “I miss you, I’ve been missing you for hours, if you were here I would’ve been feeling better, I was seconds away from driving to your house to pick you up but I need to be alone, I can’t be with you, I need to be alone” I was out with some friends, trying to distract myself and he texted me this, I started crying and it ruined my whole night, I don’t understand what is going on with him, why does he act like this? Sometimes I wish I could find someone who would let me use them to replace him for a while until he decides to come back physically, someone who would satisfy my needs, it’s just a fantasy, but that’s how neglected I feel, I love him to death. What am I supposed to do?

I don’t know if this belongs here, I've never used reddit before. But I’m writing it anyway because I’m in shock, even now, two months later.

I was in a relationship with a guy for almost three years. He was the kindest, sweetest person I’d ever known. I’d never felt so loved in a relationship. He really put me before everything else (or so I thought, at least).

I don’t have much personal experience with drugs or addiction. The closest I’ve come to it before was being with someone who smoked weed a lot every day and occasionally took other things, like mushrooms and other psychedelics. But I’ve never had any close experience with opiates or cocaine like that. I’ve been in situations where people were doing it, but I’ve never done it myself. I dont like it at all.

I had moved to a city earlier to study and met him at our school. I stayed there because I loved him, and in total, I spent five years in that city. Our final period together now was tough. We worked together at his company and lived together. We argued every day, and I was longing to move back home. He worked a lot in the evenings, or so everyone thought.

This summer, after we’d been on a trip together, he sat down in front of me the day after we landed back in our city and told me he’d been abusing oxycodone for a year and a half. NOONE knew or had noticed, not even his mother, who works in an emergency department specializing in addiction. I was the last person in the family to find out. Everyone thought he was just overworked and that this was why he was acting the way he was (more emotional, thinner, hollow eyes.)

For a year and a half more than half of our relationship, he’d been taking this stuff behind my back. He told me he’d used it before we got together, although I suspect he wasn’t taking as high a dose back then. He said "he’d stopped for me" when we started dating. Then, a little over a year into our relationship, he started again.

By the end, he told me he was taking up to 280 mg a day. He’d also started treatment with a doctor on his own. He’d been in treatment for three weeks when I found out.

I was in shock and couldn’t process it at the time. I knew the word opiates wasn’t a good sign, and I knew heroin was an opiate. But I had no idea what oxycodone even was before this.

It sank in a few days later, when I searched for it and read about it.

He told me that was why he sometimes slept at work because he would lie there and take doses. He wasn’t working, as I’d thought. He was lying there getting high.

I’d also thought he was spending all his money on Uber Eats and shopping. His money disappeared so quickly after payday, while I, earning 1000 less than him, always had money left in my account. But no, he’d been spending 2000 a month on drugs. Maybe even more. That was why he was broke.

I sat quietly while he explained everything. Then he asked if I wanted him to leave. I said yes. I know that sounds really strange, but I didn’t fully understand what was happening in that moment, as I realize now in hindsight.

He went to his mother’s place and was gone for a while. Then I called him an hour later and asked if he could come back and have dinner (I know, really strange). He said we needed to talk.

That was when I understood what was happening.

He came back to our apartment, and I asked if he was going to break up with me. He just sat there in complete silence.

I screamed all kinds of desperate things at him, asking, “Why are you doing this?” He still said nothing.

He said he hadn’t been in love with me for a week.

Is it even possible to fall out of love during the third week of detoxing from oxy?

I didn’t understand anything. He didn’t cry or anything. Then he walked out the door and disappeared. I haven’t seen him since.

My world has been turned upside down.

I was kicked out of the job where we worked together. I wasn’t allowed to stay at the company, even though I wanted to finish my final month because I thought that would have been the more professional thing for me to do. I wasn’t allowed to. He wanted me gone.

Nobody at work knows about his addiction. If his colleague and business partner finds out, it could be “used against him,” he said. I assume there’s a risk he could lose his share of the company.

He got angry when I suggested I should be allowed to finish my month at work in person. He said he didn’t want to see me anymore because it was too painful for him to look at me.

I was forced to move out of the apartment, and now I’m back in my childhood bedroom in the city where I grew up. I haven’t lived here in ten years.

He’s been so different and cold since all of this happened. It was as though he changed toward me the very second he told me everything.

For example, he forgot to send the last things I’d left behind in the apartment. He would never have done that before. He never used to forget about me. I was the center of his world.

I don’t recognize him anymore.

This was the most empathetic and wonderful person I’d ever known. It really feels as though someone has taken over his body and the person I knew is dead.

He loved me almost more than I loved him, or at least that’s how it felt.

I tried talking to him on the phone after he dumped me because I needed to understand what had happened, since he says he can’t bear to see me in person.

He just gets angry and says I’m picking fights. He says all kinds of cruel things he would never have said before. He talks about the drug so casually, as if it were nothing.

I’m so hurt and angry now, in the third month since everything happened. At the same time, I think about what he’s been through.

I thought about him going through all of this alone, lying there vomiting and nearly dying without anyone’s support. Everyone around him thought he was working so much that his body was reacting that way.

But it was the drugs.

We haven’t been in contact for almost a month now. It’s been two and a half months since he left me.

I don’t know what I want to achieve by writing this post. Maybe I’m trying to find someone who can relate?

Has anyone else been dumped by a partner with an addiction? Has anyone else been cut off by someone with an addiction while they were going through detox?

Is this normal?

I posted here before about my son, he's 19 and currently incarcerated and will be for quite a while so at least he's sober. My sister is 65 days sober from an alcohol relapse. I started going to Al-Anon meetings and it has been immensely helpful. The literature and the books of Al-Anon have been like a cup of cool water to my soul. I've been dealing with my son's meth addiction for the past 3 years and been dealing with my sister's alcohol relapses for the past year and a half. I just wanted to share a story out of the book "how alanon works" pages 234-240. Specifically page 239-240. It's the story of a mother and her alcoholic son.

How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics

I was not bad for wanting the best for my son. But where alcoholism is present, what might normally be kind, loving, and helpful can often do more harm than good. Alcoholism distorts beauty and taints the most loving of gestures. I had to learn thatenabling was not the same as helping. Bailing him out of jail or trouble was only perpetuating his pain. When he was a child, I had to force him to take bitter-tasting medicine to relieve his illness.

Now I had to step back and allow him to face the bitter consequences of his actions. I hoped that this would be the best medicine I could provide. because I knew I couldn't control or cure his disease or his behavior. I was even beginning to acknowledge that I hadn't caused it.

When the court gave my son the choice of prison or rehabilitation, he chose rehabilitation. I was so thrilled, so relieved, so convinced that everything would now be fine. My son completed

his treatment and was placed in a halfway house. For a while he seemed devoted to recovery. Time passed. Then the drinking began again. He was asked to leave the halfway house and chose to move

in with a friend rather than return home. By this time he was old enough to be on his own, and I decided not to fight it. Under the circumstances, it seemed the best decision for both of us.

I am grateful that I have been able to accept the situation as it is. and I rarely get depressed over it, I still see my son fairly often I love him dearlv. mavbe even more than ever. because today I am so much more truly myself and I can appreciate him for the sweet. bright voung man that he is. I also accept the fact that he is sick. and that I am powerless over his sickness. He knows how to get help if he wants it. Meanwhile, I have had to let go of his sickness and his behavior. because I am unwilling to let it take over my life any longer. The Higher Power that saw me through these difficult vears has become more of a friend and a comfort. although I am still unsure of how to define Him/Her/It. Nonetheless. I relv upon this Power to take care of my son and to know what is best for him.

The biggest trap for me today is feeling maudlin about my son's lost potential. I think back to happier times, how proud I was when he was reciting nursery rhymes at the age of two, how delighted I

felt when he announced that he was going to be a

"doggie doctor" when he grew up. the laughter and hugs that we shared. I have manv fond memories, and I don't want to forget that there were good times. But I have to be careful not to dabble in "if onlys." His

potential is his business, not mine. His life, present and future. is out of m hands. Ialso have to guard against searching for every mistake I ever made and blaming myself for his sickness. I made plentv of mistakes, but I did not cause alcoholism. I continue to struggle with guilt, and make many phone calls to Al-Anon friends who help me to find my way back to serenity.

I don't know how I survived all those vears without a Higher Power and without the Al-Anon fellowship. Life doesn't always work out the way I would like, and I still have an occasional temper tantrum and slide into self-pity, But I know that I am well cared for, and today I am able to face whatever life brings, coping with the hard times and truly relishing the rest.

This is going to hurt.
I knew this from the start.
My fault.

I was newly single when we met. Fresh from an 8 year relationship with a man who told me I would be beautiful if I lost 5-10 pounds.

You were different. You texted first. You told me I was beautiful. You made me feel free. It was intoxicating.

Reading your sweet messages while walking to work. Smiling like a fool. Even in the beginning I knew.

This is going to hurt.

Confusion came quickly. Red flags disguised as fireworks.

You said you were a dad. Divorced.
Not quite.

Separated. Not divorced. She’s not ready. You’re too drunk too high too gone to care about the paperwork. But I care. You lied for months.

This is going to hurt.

Sacrifices of the heart. Made for a little girl I’ll never meet. Who thinks I’m a monster while I’m wrapping her birthday presents.

“Your girlfriend or your daughter?” I don’t understand why it’s me or her. I hide myself for her sake. She deserves to know her dad.

I hide myself so well that people forget to consider me at all.

This hurts.

Let’s have a baby, you said. Decisions made from desperation. I’m just as much as addict as you are. You to blow. Me to you. Pathetic.

9 months of stolen joy. But she is beautiful and healthy. My little valentine.

You were high at the hospital. You’re high most of the time now.

I cling to the idea of you. The you that wiped snot from my face at the beach when my hands were covered in sand. The you who cooked for me and held my hand in the car. Who took me on dates and told me I was beautiful. The you who gave me permission to live and be free. I needed that. I craved it.

This won’t always hurt.

New beginning starts off great. Promises made promises kept. For a while.

Then a slip. Then again. Back to square 1.

This hurts.

Welcoming another baby girl. Rehab. Relapse.

You were high at the hospital. Again.

The next part is blurry. Worry for you turns to worry about you. Paranoia.

I hide myself from the world. If I don’t talk to anyone you won’t accuse me. Wrong.

You see phantoms in the night. You never sleep. New promises every week.

This hurts.

New starts. Same broken record.

Baby boy.

Why did I do this? Put down the fucking shovel.

I don’t regret them. They are beautiful. But I regret getting in this deep and relying on you. I regret bringing them here where their hearts are broken by you.

I am tired of hurting. I don’t know where to start. I am a fool.

https://nar-anon.org/find-a-meeting/

Does verbal abuse and cheating go hand and hand with addiction?

Hello I am neighbors with my brother who is actively using. He owes people money and I have noticed the same car outside my apartment building every night this week. Anyone have tips or suggestions? He has created many problems in my life through his active drug use. I don’t have many resources just trying to stay safe..Thanks in advance

Hi i’m just here for some general advice as i’m at such a loss on how i should be feeling or how to handle this.

So my bf has an addiction to crack that he hid from me before we started dating, i didn’t know about it until i found a lot of stuff in his jacket one day not long after we moved in together. when i asked about it he told me that it’s a one time thing and that he’s had a past addiction to it but doesn’t do it anymore. He was going under a lot of stress at the time so he put it (all the stress) down to the slip up. I let it slide that time as we were going through a lot and he had stopped smoking weed completely a couple months before which was a daily thing for him so i figured that might have also been a trigger. But i’ve since caught him again and i’m struggling to get to grips with how easily he lies about it all until i have solid proof he’s doing it. if i hadn’t found any of his things i wouldn’t know at all as he’s very good at hiding when he is high.
I’ve asked him to consider going to therapy and to go see his doctor to try and help him but he says therapy makes it worse as he just comes away thinking about drugs even more and he did promise to talk to his doctor because he doesn’t want to do it at all but doesn’t know how to explain to me the thoughts that get in his head sometimes. That was over a month ago and he still hasn’t been to the doctors. i also have an inkling that he is still using as i can smell it on his clothes when he comes home from work but he has recently started to change his clothes the second he comes home and puts them in the wash. He also lies about working late, and being dropped off by his coworkers but i see him walking down the street on his own not being dropped off. I’m just stuck on how to navigate this all
I just need to know whether im doing anything wrong, i’ve tried being so supportive and telling him that i love him no matter what i will help him through anything if he just opens up to me. I just feel like if i start putting hard boundaries like having his location at all times (which he won’t do, he has mine but won’t let me have his) and to empty his pockets as soon as he comes home or to let me manage his expenses it’s just going to ruin our relationship.
How do i stop doubting him all the time? what do i do to help him?

This has been on my mind for some time - my ex was an addict - heroine was his DOC and abused multiple others (am thankfully out of that since a while now) but I recall at some point after a severe episode he started to see an addiction doctor and had to go weekly and do a drug test and was on daily methodone - I would go to the pharmacy with him and watch him take it often, and I later found out he had still been using throughout… I thought that one of the conditions the doctor imposed was he had to piss clean to keep getting the methodone prescription. Was he buying clean pee, or are there methods they use to circumvent the drug test… or do doctors still give it even if they are using and it was just what he told me to reassure me… upon reflection now I still don’t know which it was so curious if anyone knows or has experienced something similar?

My husband is in rehab. We're doing family therapy. The therapist told us we both need a community. Im not...peopley. Is this my community l?

Okay,
So I am here for advice and perspective. It’s truly so fresh, and I’m trying my best to sort everything out.

But I have been with my Fiance for almost 7 years. We got engaged this Summer. I’ve known him since middle school and he truly is my best friend.

When we got together, we were in high school and definitely “experimented” with drugs…. Nothing too crazy. However, when he moved away to college, I stayed home and I know that he did a lot more. I hate to say it, but in my naive mind … everyone else was doing the same things at parties. So, by contrast it didn’t seem excessive. However, when I moved to the same college (6 years ago) our friend group all decided that it wasn’t productive and that was kind of it.

I’m not saying I’m a saint. However, there’s an added layer that my dad is an addict and it got to a point that being around that stuff was painful for me to see. And since I’ve known my Fiance , he has been well aware of the ins and outs of my family dynamic and how deeply wounded I am because of it.

The last year or so he has had major flare ups with his health. And is always sick. So, when he started having very off** behavior, I genuinely thought it was a bad reaction to his prescribed medication. I genuinely was so worried that he wasn’t getting the right treatment for his laundry list of medical problems, so I felt horrible for him. Additionally, whenever I would ask why he would be nodding off while I was talking to him, or why he would trip and fall and be extremely disoriented, he would always tell me that he just had an extremely long day. And I believed him!! I know, naive.

Well, last week we got in a one-sided argument, because I heard him drop a bunch of plates on the ground at like 10 o’clock at night. When I came out, he was standing up and knocking his head into our kitchen cabinets. I asked him what was going on and as he was holding a bag of chicken nuggets, he said “I’m just making dessert.” I told him that I thought he was on drugs and I begged him to just tell me what was going on. He told me he had no idea what I was talking about and would be sleeping in the other room.

When I woke up the next day, I had a sick feeling, and I went through his laptop. I can only see messages from the year of 2025… but I was shocked to see that he had been buying thousands and thousands of dollars worth of opioids.

Everything after just happened so fast I quietly went to work without saying anything, and I reached out to his parents. They are so supportive and immediately came up and took him home. Come to find out this has been going on for the last five years on and off . he has opened several credit cards and maxed them out. Additionally, he has like no money in his account.

This is such a long story. I’m sorry if you’re reading this… Somehow he got a telehealth appointment when he was home and got a prescription of Suboxone. He is so fortunate that his parents were able to find an inpatient rehab and he’s been there for about a week.

I feel like I am still going through shock. I cannot believe that for the last several years this was happening and I genuinely had no idea. I am so incredibly hurt and blindsided. I can’t even pinpoint one emotion really it’s everything.

I’m just really at a loss. We actually had just taken our engagement photos and put our name at a wedding venue for next summer. I tried talking with him on the phone, but to be completely honest, I had nothing productive to say. Actually really couldn’t even form words because I was just crying the whole time.

So I told him that I needed a couple days of space between him and we haven’t talked since last Thursday.

I went to a nar-anon meeting last week and will go to another this week. That was comforting.

Looking for advice? Idek.

Can you share your experiences leaving your spouse with kids involved? What made you reach that point? What was the process like? How is it now? I am conflicted after years of addiction and relapse and I don't know what to do. Help me understand what it would look like.

I’m looking for advice from people who have experienced something similar, either as a friend, family member, or someone who has struggled with addiction themselves.
I have a close female friend who struggles with amphetamine addiction. When she is sober, we still have a really good friendship, and I care about her a lot. The difficult part is what happens when she uses.
She can start experiencing psychotic symptoms after just a few lines. She talks to herself, sees things, hears things, and imagines things that aren’t actually happening. It gets progressively worse as she continues taking more. She can stay awake for 1–4 days, and during these episodes, she becomes extremely difficult to communicate with. She can seem like a completely different person, becoming paranoid, aggressive, and threatening. It feels like there is nothing you can say that is right, and you simply cannot reach her.
Once she has finally slept off the high, she returns to her usual self. Her memories of the episodes vary: sometimes she remembers things vaguely, sometimes quite clearly, and sometimes she has no memory of what happened at all.
She can apologise afterwards, and I believe she can genuinely feel sorry for what happened. However, the same pattern often repeats itself shortly afterwards.
She has already been through addiction treatment twice, but the problem continues. It is frightening to watch someone you care about go through this repeatedly, especially when you don’t know what else can be done to help them.
During these episodes, she has threatened me. She has never treated me this way when she is sober, but it can be genuinely frightening to be around her when she is using and experiencing psychosis.
I have started recognising the warning signs and often leave before things escalate. This makes her angry and upset, but I know from experience how things tend to develop if I stay. I am trying to protect myself without abandoning her.
The hardest part is that our friendship is still just as good when she is sober. I don’t want to give up on her, but I also cannot keep putting myself in frightening situations or watch this cycle repeat indefinitely. I sometimes struggle with how to respond to her apologies when the same thing happens again.
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation:
● How do you support someone with an addiction who repeatedly experiences psychosis without being dragged down yourself?
● How do you set boundaries without feeling guilty when the person becomes upset or feels abandoned?
● How do you cope when someone has already been through addiction treatment twice but continues using?
● Is there anything you can say or do when they are sober that might help them understand how serious the situation has become?
● How do you deal with the fear and helplessness of watching someone you care about become almost unrecognisable when they are high?
● How do you know when you are doing enough to help, and when you need to step back?
I’m not looking for advice on how she can continue using. I want to understand how to handle this situation, protect my own well-being, and hopefully preserve a friendship that means a lot to me.
I would especially appreciate hearing from people who understand the difficult balance between loving someone, wanting to help them, and recognising that you cannot save them from their addiction yourself.

Hi, this is going to be long hope this is the right subreddit for this. My best friend has been struggling with addiction for a few years now but I only found out last year. Prior to finding out, he would ask me for 10-50 dollars a few times a month and I would give it to him because I didn't think anything of it. For context, we have not lived in the same state for multiple years until recently, we both had jobs and school and partners that we lived with- we had lives of our own so checking in how we would before was not possible so my attention to behaviors that were uncommon simply was not there. Last year, when I found out - when everyone that wasnt in the circle of his users friends found out - I was going through a lot mentally and it added onto the stress but I managed because this is an important person to me, I wanted to make sure they were ok even if we were thousands of miles apart. I really did the best to my ability. Then he ended up coming back to our state probably 6-8 months later? (sorry my memory is a bit fuzzy, I cant keep track of the time passed) He came back said he was going to be here for a week, almost cancelled the flight because he was dealing with a lot of paranoia and he speculated we would try to put him in a rehab center. He has been back in our state since then, burned a lot of friendships due to the multiple relapses. The friends he stayed with would bribe him with money to stay sober - they left him unattended because they had jobs and lives to live and thus, he would relapse. Eventually they got tired of the situation it became too much and he asked if he could stay with me, multiple times. All those times I said no. He ends up going to rehab, gets out is in sober living and one of the people he met in rehab relapsed, he followed along. A few days before he was admitted, he asked again if he could stay with me, once again I said no. I question if this boundary is valid. I am in my early 20's, I am not in a position where I can have someone live in my home even for a few days. I knew him asking to stay for a week would not end up being a week and simply put I do not have the money to take care of an additional human being even for a day. I dont want a risk of him bringing a dealer to my home, I have a plethora of reasons why I would say no and part of me feels like these are just excuses but also he knows the severity of my living situation and asking this from me in my point in my life also feels incredibly selfish. Sure, im not dealing with addiction but ive gone through intensive therapy over the guilt I felt the moment I found out all those times gave him money funded his addiction. I havent seen him since he came back due to my financial position and lack of mode of transportation, and trust me - I have thought to ask friends or find some solution but simply put, there literally is not one way for me to get there without me worrying if Ill have enough money until my next paycheck. I am not exactly sure what im asking for here. I have seen friends, family members and family friends go through different addictions throughout my life but this is a different point in my life and I dont know if im handling it correctly. Another point to add is that aside from the smaller amounts of money Id provide, a family member of mine gave him a few thousand dollars to borrow because he wanted out of his lease and we have still yet to get that money back (the deal was to give it to me because it came out of a savings that was set aside for me). It just feels like being there for him constantly emotionally and financially until I reached my limit was not enough, it just feels like its never enough. We have not spoken since he got out of rehab this time, its been a few days and I question if he blames me. I dont feel bad nor good about any of this, just want to know what to do and how to move forward from here. It feels like my problems have not mattered to him for a while but I am guilted for not prioritizing his. This was also the first time in my life I actually have prioritized myself not because I wanted to but because I had to, I dont know if Id be here typing this if I didnt, and it feels like it backfired. It feels like I wasnt supposed to do that. I dont know, feels weird.

So my SO has been acting off lately. He recently lost his job which has been stressful. This week has been even more suspicious. On Tuesday he picked up our kids from school in a wagon. It is over a mile walk and partially uphill. When he got home he was pouring sweat and acting super off. My mind immediately went to drugs which was maybe unfair but he had some concerning symptoms. I asked him what was wrong and he immediately got defensive. Then he threw up a few times and when I decided maybe it wasn't drugs I was concerned he was having a medical event. He refused to go to the hospital and refused to get any help. Flash forward he was staying up half the night multiple nights in a row and sleeping during the day. This is also a telltale sign of him using. He literally was passing out everytime he was still. Thursday night he had vertigo and was stumbling. Says something medical might be happening and he'd call the doctor. But the weekend I had started to ask if he'd take a test because we have some and its becoming hard to just believe him. He's only 5 months sober so it's stiill new. He refuses to take a test saying he's still mad that I wasn't caring on Tuesday and thinks I'm just controlling his movement and overbearing. Told me his buddies at AA think I'm controlling too. It's been days and he refuses to take a test even when I told him I'd have to ask him to leave if he didn't.

Would you think your Q relapsed in this situation?

Edit/update: He admited to relapsing. Said he used twice. I still don't know what to believe.

My husband and I separated after 7 years together. Well, not so much separated as I had to have him removed and file an Order of Protection. I was set to file for divorce this month when I was cleaning out my messages and saw the thread from him (I have him muted) and it made me stop. He had updated his profile picture, and the face in that picture made my blood run cold. It was the face that spewed every lie, every manipulation, every cruel word, every accusation, every abuse. That face was what I saw in my nightmares for months. That wasn't the face of the man I married, that was the face of the addiction that turned him into a monster. I sent it to my best friend and asked if I was crazy for now being afraid to file while he still knew where we lived. She said absolutely not, that was not the same man that she knew and I had every right to be scared. I'm talking with my therapist about this next week as well.

From those who have been through divorce from an addict, would you hold off until he didn't know where you were, or would you just file and hope?

Part of me is venting, the other part of me is legitimately asking what gives with the indignant attitude after a relapse?? Are they embarrassed? Do they actually believe they've done nothing to warrant ppl being upset or do they just not care? Acting like they are justified...or like it's someone else's fault they relapsed. I have a q in my family who relapses periodically and every single time, it's "because someone else did/didn't do XYZ." And then after a couple of days of not being in active addiction, they expect everything to go back to normal and the ppl around them to act like it never happened. Like everything is "fine." It's not fine. Nothing ever changes bc nothing ever changes.

It's INFURIATING. I am usually pretty good at giving advice but right now I can't take any of it and I know how stupid I sound. I'm just so damn angry.

disclaimer, i feel stupid writing this as i realize so many others are going through a much harder time than me, so i dont mean to sound dramatic. however, i have bpd, so i feel much more strongly about this than a typical person would

for context, ive been working with this guy for almost a year now. over time became pretty good friends. he was the first person to talk to me at work, take interest in my improvement, and truly got me to take pride in my work. without him i dont know if id have the position i do today.
however, a few weeks ago, he relapsed. for years he had struggled with addiction, both of drugs and gambling, with meyth being his main use. around the same time he had just moved out of his living situation with a horrible roommate, and had few places to go. he worked at 2 different stores, the one i work at, and another an hour away. so when he worked at my store, id always let him stay. i knew he had relapsed, but i didnt realize how often it was. hiwever, i also knew he was very respectful, i trusted him.
a few weeks into this arrangement, my girlfriend cheated on me. this was a huge deal for me and i was in shambles. he was genuinely the best support i couldve asked for, staying up late having long talks, letting me cry into him, showing care and support for me in so many ways. eventually, one thing led to another and we kissed. ive never been with or kissed a guy before, so it was weird. but i didnt reject it, especially because i truly liked who he was.
we became very involved with one another for a little while. constant texting, checking in, i miss yous, i love yous, etc. what i didnt know is that, every time he went back to stay with his other friends near his other place of work, hed always be getting high. i finally started to notice and begged him to stop. he got very emotional about it, told me its all he wants but doesnt think he can do it. i told him to just try. especially because he was going to get caught eventually by his PO officer, and its a miracle he hadnt been tested already. he agreed he wanted to try.
unfortunately, shortly after, things went to shit. his gambling addiction had gotten real bad. he had done some not great things at work because of it, and gotten terminated. i freaked out at this news because i felt like he was going to slip away- that he had nothing to keep him stable, to keep him around me (the only time hed stay sober is when hed stay at my place), and that i was going to lose him. unfortunately, i was right.
after he got the news of his termination, he came to mine. said he was going to take it as a sign to go back to rehab, to a rehab hours away, so he couldnt easily bail. i supported this decision but still suffered that feeling of doom, and of abandonment. i knew it could be months before id see him again. even though it was for the better. i cried a lot and he got emotional too, and i ended up having a panic attack. i think it scared him, he didnt know what to do, and i couldnt stop it. i wish i had, because i feel like that ended up ruining things between us- despite me staying through many of his mental breaks and night terrors. he ended up leaving while i was still freaked out, but called one of my friends over to make sure i stayed okay. i begged him not to leave because it felt like the last time id ever see him.
the next 2 days he ghosted me. i begged him to tell me what was going on, i called endlessly. i worried he was dead. eventually, he picked up. turns out he had been high the whole time, and was when he picked up too. he was mean, cold. said i was making him "not want to care", or whatever that means. i broke at this, because i understood i had freaked him out, but he turned cold so quickly. i know he uses because it numbs him (and makes him mean), so i tried not to take it personal.
a day later i called again. apologized for anything i couldve done to make him uncomfortable and upset. he seemed to have sobered a bit, and accepted that. told me to get help for myself, which i agreed. he told me hed be going into rehab the next day, and would keep in touch.
as he was going into rehab, he texted me, freaking out about leaving his addict life and friends behind, as it was all he had known. but he had decided it was what he needed to do to achieve sobriety. i talked him through it as he took himself there, and he said hed keep in touch.
each day he was there he called. until one day he called, begging me to pick him up. saying he needed to use real bad. i refused of course, but had a bad feeling hed find someone else to. he said hed call again the next day, and asked when i was free.
i never heard back again.
5 days passed, silence. i didnt know what had happene- if he wasnt allowed to call anymore, simply didnt want to talk, had left rehab. i tried calling his cell and it rang through. he had told me it had died on the way into rehab so it made me suspicious. i sent him a text just asking him if he had left, and to let me know if he was okay.
nothing for an entire day. i found out from someone who has his location, that he had left rehab and was back at one of his addict friends houses.
i sent another text. telling him how much he meant to me during those weeks, and reminding him to read the books i dropped off to him at rehab (ones about addiction that he had requested me to bring), and that he was loved. however, i also worded it as if i was cutting him off. that part i regret, but i panicked and wanted to be the one to "cut off" contact because i felt attacked by the ignoring of my previoud call and text, and wanted to be the one rather than the one to be left. now i realize thats stupid, and i regret it. however, that was yesterday, and another day has passed with silence.
i dont know what to do at this point. everything i hear is so contradicting- "they wont get better unless they want to themselves and hit rock bottom- they cant get better alone, dont stop trying". he fights a lot of typical addict stereotypes- i (stupidly) offered him money in the beginning, before i realized thats more harm than help, but he rejected it anyway, saying he couldnt do that to me. even when using hes never been aggressive to me, even when ive gotten upset and angry with him for it. the most hes ever been is cold, or disappeared, like now.
part of me feels used- used for the physical affection he showed me. but part of me feels that if that was true- wouldnt he have tried to go farther? things got intimate quite a few times, but he was always the one to hold himself back, never letting it go too far out of respect for me. he never would take money and was always shy about asking if it was okay to stay the night, even when it had been established he could come over anytime and i was happy for him to do so. he was always so respectful and polite, and i got to see what i feel is his true self, especially in those past few weeks. so now i dont know what to do. im not sure whats truth or whats a lie. i dont know if i should reach out again, or stay silent. i miss him so much, im so worried and every part of me just wants to hear from him again, but i dont want to push him even further away by being too clingy, too intense. i constantly wonder, will he ever reach back out, or stay quiet forever, just let everything we had die- just like that?
i feel crazy for caring so much, but thats just how it is with me and with bpd. its so intense. he also has bpd, which he said is why he started using- to numb those overwhelming, unbearable feelings. i want to be angry at him, hate him so i can move on and forget him and heal- but i just cant- especially because i so closely understand how he feels and am just steps away feom using myself to shut off these intense feelings. please give me some direction on how to handle this, for the best for both of us.