I’m currently working on a song I’m really new to this about 11 hours. I struggle with tightening things because the way I compose is kinda like mentally free-styling so every thing I change to edit messes with the rest of the verse. I’m sure this isn’t a unique problem so any help at all would be great this is where I’m at so far.
Reddit version
Welcome Home
(Chorus)
all it takes is one mun-dane day for it to be stripped away. From open doors to brothers snores or boring chores to a place packed with padded walls and stacked with adderall and all these purple pills and barred up window sills.
I remember it was September startin
they said we’d go to target
gonna get me an Artkit
for the school semester
I knew mom was getting desperate
all that pain and anger
I can’t contain it
it had me getting violent
verbal abuse compoundin
dads beatings made me flounder
the rage was getting louder
I should’ve seen it coming
I saw we passed the target
driving a lil farther
now my mind starts wandarin
maybe she really meant it
maybe the love was shallow
maybe my dad had got her
maybe her sadness marked it
there goes another target
and now i got this feeling
there’s something im not seeing
something there all concealing
and now i can’t help but see it
that’s not where this day was going
it was sposed to be boring
and now we pull in
to this big brick building
no words get spoken
the door is swinging open
then one pops out
and their mouth is open
he says the dreaded words welcome home son
Crazy how it only takes a moment
everything can change pace to go from playin’ Mario Kart and thinkin’ bout first place
this big kid next to me starts screaming in my face
kids become ruthless in this crazy place
promised to knock my tooth in if I won a stupid race
them words became a threat
that’s the moment the room chan’ges pace
staff saw the late throw
a mere second to react
rushed his ass like linebackers ‘n hit him with that LT sack
Crashed down right next to me
nearly snapped his leg ‘n half
A yelp rang out
that sent me runni’n-back
I bounce down the halls with code white screaming in the back
footsteps approaching rapidly
change direction fast
sprinted toward the empty hallway shrouded in the dark
approached it slow and watched the staff go fly’in past
It’s like they stole the breath from me
my heartbeat kept racing
footsteps in the back
I took a breath and darted down the hall
just past the welcome matt
reached refuge in tact
my tiny hands were trembling as I fiddled with the latch all to reach a cell that let me take breath | funny how confinement felt like a safety net |
(Chorus)
all it takes is one mun-dane day for it to be stripped away. From open doors to brothers snores or boring chores to a place packed with padded walls and stacked with adderall and all these purple pills and barred up window sills.
I feel uneasy
slightly queasy
I have to much energy
I’m sposed to be sleeping
and yet I’m laying
my thoughts are racing
there’s people screaming
there is no dreaming
I just start weeping
the nights are long
the darkness grieving
nothing to do but wait till mourning
i wipe my eyes and fantasize
about my nights in paradise
my brothers snoring
the quiet boring
I want my mom
I miss her cookin
can’t help but wonder if she still loves me
I wish I told her how much I miss her
I hope she’s happy
I know how crappy
I made her life
it’s for the better
but now I’m crying
feel like I’m dying
the world is spinnin
I wish I was missing
but then it hits me.
Mentally so full of energy
mom please remember me
I can’t stay here longer
haven’t slept in two days
I’m gaining sanity
i feel the planets heat build up inside of me
no more anxiety
I scream for help
the staff start running
unlock the door
and now I’m gunning it
I slip right under em
their shouts are thunderin
radios chattering
code yellow battering
walls start shattering
| oh the humanity |
the staff in toe are vanishing
| must-get to exit hurriedly |
then like muskets firing
the door is violently
| swung open wildly |
he tries to block me
I just hurdle him
I hop the railing
every attempt to stop momentum failing
I keep prevailing
now I’m cut off
two staff are blocking me
but there’s no panicking
I bounce back up the steps
fire escape calling me
I just start scailing it
roof access imminent
they keep on calling me
trying to follow me
I duck down quietly
their flashlights blinding me
the still ain’t finding me
back to reality
here comes anxiety
self doubt comes rushing in
and now I’m panicking
realize I’m stranded
now I’m standing
let them see me
now they whispering
stop quit scaring him,
approach me delicate
take me in
hand embarrassment floodin me
instantly hope there not pissed at me
look at me worriedly
I break down entirely
why won’t the crying end
miss momma vividly
instead of hitting they start hugging me
I collapse instantly
maybe humanity isn’t so bad for me