I’m an ENFP and my ex is an ISFP. We broke up about six months ago, and I’d really like to hear from ISFPs about how his behavior might have felt from his side.
Obviously MBTI can’t explain an entire relationship.
I’m mainly curious whether any of this resonates with the way ISFPs process emotions, pressure, relationships, and breakups.
We had a really intense, affectionate 4 months. He was actually the one who seemed more certain. He told me he was crazy about me, talked about our future, and told me and others it was the happiest he’d been in his adult life and that he’d never been in a relationship like ours before. His family and lifelong friends all said they’d never seen him so happy or in love and that we would probably get married. We lived 2.5 hours away, but saw each other most weekends, talked every day for hours, often fell asleep on FaceTime, and were extremely close. He wrote me beautiful love letters and text messages. Our personalities clicked beautifully It honestly felt like a fairytale.
Then, seemingly very overnight, he started withdrawing.
For roughly the last 5–6 weeks of our relationship, he became much quieter and less affectionate. Pet names and affectionate texts basically disappeared. In person he usually avoided eye contact, although he would initially light up when he saw me but then seemed to suppress it or put a wall up. He would shut down during emotional conversations and frequently say things like, “I don’t know what to say.”
At the same time, he was going through a LOT personally. Financial/career problems, depression, spiritual struggles, and a general feeling that his life was falling apart. He even didn’t have a car at the time. He told me things like:
“I’m in over my head.”
“I’m not where I need to be as a man.”
“I need a lot of help.”
“I’ve been scared to get close.”
“I’m a very weak person emotionally.”
“I don’t need to be in a relationship with anyone.”
I continued to fight for the relationship.
The confusing part is that he still contacted me every day during much of this period. He hadn’t simply disappeared or acted completely indifferent. It felt more like he was emotionally shutting down while still remaining attached.
Eventually I became anxious because I could feel him pulling away. I pushed for answers and reassurance, and toward the end I said some things I regret. At one point I basically told him that if he didn’t want me, someone else eventually would, and I questioned why he was pushing away a person who loved him. We rarely argued, but for the first time, I spoke really sharp. I know that probably added pressure when he was already overwhelmed and I know that ISFPS are conflict avoidant.
Shortly before our breakup he said he’d be really sad even if he broke up with me because he’d been really happy, and later apologized for how he had treated me during those final weeks.
When we broke up, he cried. Sobbed even. I begged him to reconsider. What seemed to touch him the most is when he said “I’m not where I need to be as a man” and I replied, “I didn’t love you for that stuff. I loved you for who you are”, at which tears wouldn’t stop flowing.
He said things like:
“I know you thought you could count on me and I switched up on you.”
“I’d rather hurt someone now than in a year.”
“What if I’m not ready for a year or two?”
“I didn’t say I didn’t still like you.”
“I still have feelings.”
What I struggle to understand is how someone can go from being extremely affectionate and future-oriented to emotionally shutting down so dramatically. It was like a switch flipped when he started struggling personally and I didn’t know how to help him.
For the ISFPs here, I’d especially love your perspective on a few things:
When you’re deeply overwhelmed or ashamed of where you are in life, do you tend to withdraw even from someone you love instead of fighting for the relationship?
Can relationship pressure make you feel like you need to escape even when your feelings for the person haven’t disappeared? Would you “fall on your own sword” so to speak? Or did he probably just lose feelings?
If you felt you were disappointing your partner or weren’t “good enough” for them, would you be more likely to end the relationship than let them stay and help you?
When you think back on a relationship, do you tend to remember the overall emotional experience, or can conflict near the end overshadow everything that came before it?
Does his behavior sound relatable to you as an ISFP, or does this sound much more like depression/personal issues than personality type?
Do you think he could come back when he is personally in a better place? I’ve heard that ISFPS are present oriented, so I wonder if he still thinks of me or would even consider that.
Should I reach out after 6 months no contact or should it come from him? I know he is very rejection sensitive and feel like he wouldn’t reach out first.
I’m especially interested in hearing from ISFP men or ISFPs who have been the person who withdrew/end a relationship while still caring about their partner.
I’m trying to understand how the same person who seemed so sure about me could become so overwhelmed that leaving apparently felt like the better option. I’m wondering if he ever loved me at all.
I know for a fact that he is not dating or talking to anyone else, and didn’t leave me for another relationship. I’m friends with his family and we have mutual friends, so I know this for sure….Everyone who knows him said he’s a one woman kind of man and not a casual dater. I’m only his second serious relationship.
Thank you for any insight.
