Long post. This is a very specific and bizarre issue and I honestly have no idea what the best sub to post something like this would be, so I apologize in advance if this doesn't fit here and would appreciate recommendations for a better sub to post this in. Long story short, I grew up very socially awkward, excluded, and bullied, with parents who also taught me weird rules for socializing. I felt like I lacked the innate social skills other kids had and always had trouble making friends and fitting in. Things took a huge turn in high school when I made friends who gave me a huge confidence boost, and my social skills completely transformed. Pretty much ever since and now at 22, I've been completely socially competent, make friends very easily, feel like overall I'm well-liked, and am completely comfortable with silences during conversations (something I used to struggle with a lot that made me act very awkward).
However, I noticed that I have this recurring issue every once in a while that I call "flare-ups" lasting a few weeks to months. Out of nowhere, either triggered by a minor awkward interaction or literally NO reason at all, my brain will randomly and suddenly start doubting my social skills, and then I inevitably continue to doubt myself, lose confidence and become anxious, become hyper-aware of silences in conversations (and am constantly feeling anxious to fill them, completely unlike how I normally am), and I end up acting stiff and awkward in front of people. I'm not able to talk to people and make jokes and just relax like I normally can and know I'm capable of, and this completely takes away my ability to be myself and chat and make friends.
It's infuriating because logically, I know 100% that it's all in my head and this fear has zero rhyme or reason whatsoever. It literally makes no sense: I can literally just continue being who I am and it would be fine, but instead it's like a double-whammy where I not only become anxious and unconfident in my social skills (again, for absolutely no good reason), but also become this super awkward and inauthentic version of myself and end up just having awkward hangouts. It's so frustrating trying to make friends during these flare-ups because I know I could easily talk to them otherwise, but I keep shooting myself in the foot against my will. Eventually these flare-ups resolve on their own and I'm fine for a while, but it doesn't matter how well I'm doing because another one can strike out of nowhere and it takes so little to crumble my confidence. I'm sure this is at least somewhat from childhood exclusion, bullying, other scars, and a weak sense of self-worth, but regardless it's an ongoing issue. What is going on, how can I stop letting it impact me, is this constant cycling something I'll have to live with forever, and can therapy or anything else significantly help? If I'm not in a position to be able to easily afford therapy right now, does anyone have advice on what I can do?
