So the past few months I’ve been struggling with bulimia, I’ve stolen food, spent all my savings on binge food and purged in the most random places. But recently I’ve realized the last month I’ve been planning a binge and planning the purge. I’ll buy around 8000 calories worth food just to plsn on purging after and I’m curious if this is something anyone else has ever done?

I don't write a lot of poetry and I'm only 15 so I'm sorry if its bad. Also, please dont think that i am trying to make my eating disorder sound worse than what our ancestors went through, because I'm not. I am also not trying to say that the starvation caused my eating disorder. I am also aware that it was not a famine. I created this poem because I realized that the Irish were forcefully starved and I, in the modern day, have a disorder that causes me to starve, while also having Irish ancestry.

"The famine ended years ago/there is no longer any war/poverty/starvation/torture/rape/there are no longer any/ hungry children/ in our bloodline/ it ended years ago" - The first few lines of my poem are showing the speaker is almost in denial that what happened also effects modern people. The line separation of "hungry children" references obviously the children who were starving but also me now.

"Our teenagers no longer/struggle with hunger" struggle with hunger is by itself to also showcase my own issues with food. It also creates contrast, because saying "our teenagers no longer struggle with hunger" is ironic, considering many Irish teens have eating disorders now.

"They do not beg/their mothers for food" I included this because I turn down food when offered, while many kids and teens back then would do anything for food. More contrast.

"Or their fathers for/answers" answers can mean the answers as to why the Irish were being starved, or answers as to why I am doing this to myself when i know the consequences of starving.

"That emptiness/ belongs to/ the past" more denial. "That emptiness" referencing an empty stomach.

"But the/ hunger/ still lingers on me" hunger is isolated because it constantly takes up my mind, similar to how hunger probably took up their mind.

"It rips apart/ my insides/ and nestles in/ my stomach" the words, "rips apart" and "nestles" are more contrast. "Rips apart" sounds rough and violent, but "nestles" is a word used for gentle, comforting things. It shows that my disorder is ruining me, while i also seek comfort in it.

"Years ago/the starvation was loud/they heard our pleas/ and our stomachs growling/ begging for a bite/ now it is quiet/ hidden/ subtle/covert" Our ancestors did not hide that they were starving, they both wanted and needed food. But now, I keep my hunger a secret and try to not let anyone find out.

"We evened out/ our rations/ i separate mine/ break it down/ into imaginary numbers/ and force myself/ to feed off of/ so very little." The Irish were preserving their food and keeping it, and i only see food not for it's taste or benefits, but only for it's calories. "And force myself" is its own line because sometimes it feels like i have to force myself to eat even though I don't want to.

Thank you for reading. I hope my poem unsettled you. ♡

My ED is in the really stage, bit i already can't look at food the same, i feel the urge to vomit everytime i think about food or eating, it can be something i really like but i will still feel like puking

TW: Eating disorders, childhood experiences, disordered eating

I’ve had an eating disorder since I was 13, so I’ve lived with it for more than half my life. Something I’ve been struggling with lately is the fear that I’m subconsciously passing it on to my daughter, and I honestly don’t know what to do.

My own childhood definitely influenced my relationship with food and my body. My mom was very critical of herself, was constantly dieting, and even suggested Weight Watchers to me when I was around 10 years old. I also grew up in a very traditional household where we were expected to clean our plates or we couldn’t go to bed. Looking back, I think these experiences contributed to my relationship with food, which eventually developed into binge eating and bulimia.

Now that I have a daughter of my own, I’m incredibly conscious of not repeating those patterns.

I try very hard not to speak negatively about my body or criticize my appearance in front of her. I’m careful about the language I use, too. For example, if we’re talking about makeup, I’ll say it’s something you can use to look fancy rather than something you need to look beautiful. I want her to grow up knowing that her worth has absolutely nothing to do with how she looks.

I also want to mention that I am in treatment for my eating disorder and have been for over a year now. I’m actively working on my recovery and trying to understand and unlearn a lot of the things I grew up with. I take this seriously, which is part of why this worries me so much. Even though I’m getting help and doing the work, I still worry about the things my daughter might be picking up on without me realizing it.

I know that even when we’re careful about what we say, children can notice our behaviours, our emotions, and our relationship with food. I worry that she might be subconsciously picking up on my eating disorder, even though I try so hard to shield her from it.

I feel guilty thinking that something I’ve struggled with for so much of my life could affect her, especially because I know firsthand how painful it can be.

I want so badly to break this cycle. I don’t want her to grow up with the same thoughts and struggles that I’ve had. At the same time, I know I can’t completely hide every struggle from her, and I’m trying to figure out what a healthy approach to parenting looks like when you’re dealing with an eating disorder yourself.

For parents who have struggled with eating disorders, how have you navigated raising children? Have you worried about passing your relationship with food and your body image on to them? What have you done to help your children develop a healthy relationship with food and themselves, even while you’re still working through your own struggles?

I’d especially love to hear from people who grew up with a parent who had an eating disorder, or whose parents struggled with dieting and body image. What do you wish your parents had done differently? What helped you?

I’m not looking for judgment. I’m genuinely trying to learn how to do better for my daughter, and I could really use some advice from people who understand.

trigger warning! vent/need support

just got home from an appointment with my dietican and my dad. they are going to take everything away from me. im not allowed to move at all, need to cancel all my plans/work/sports and my parents will control my food. if i don’t eat i need ensure.
i think I’m actually going crazy. im already suicidal and feel even less motivated right now.
i truly just want to decline all food and ensure given to me, let them just take me to the hospital, i’m so so done with everything. i already secretly pace in my room right now.
they try to do this so that my bmi will get better and will be able to do psychotherapy soon. the other option was either ng tube/plan b or residential but the waitlists are too long and they wanted to intervene now.
i feel awful, don’t know how to cope and am afraid this will further ruin my relationship with my parents and traumatise everyone as i just won’t eat/follow their plan.

edited later: i did eat two sandwiches for lunch instead of nothing and my parents allow me to go to work tomorrow so that’s something positive i guess

My FIL is such an asshole.

Context: Last 6 months I've been lifting and did an (accidental) bulk after 10 years of an on/off restricive ED. I'm now trying to lose fat in a healthy way.
I have had so many problems with him nitpicking everything I do and literally picking on me for 2 years. Everything I do.
I'm cooking? "You should make it like this". I'm cleaning? "You should clean it this way". I'm meal planning? "You don't need all that protein". I got bed ridden from an illness for about a month? "So you haven't worked out in almost a month, you're not trying. Have you seen yourself lately?".

What happened tonight: He KNOWS I have a restrictive ED history. But tonight he said "Have you seen yourself lately? You haven't been going to the gym; you don't even need all of that protein because you're not using it". Mind you, this week I JUST got back into the gym after my illness, so I've been back to meal planning again. I'm only aiming for 115g of protein now instead of my bodyweight in protein since I'm not bulking anymore...which, while it still above normal intake, is a good intake for weight loss while lifting to preserve muscle on a WOMAN.

What I've tried: I ALWAYS tell him that muscle gain and weight loss is different for WOMEN. We have a monthly cycle which preserves more water weight at times, or makes us bloat other times, or makes us ravenous/crave like a man could never imagine. It is SO much harder for us to both gain muscle and lose fat - of course I have to be meticulous and do things differently than he does. But he's a narcissist and thinks his way is the only way because he can't see outside of his own self or educate himself on other people.

YES I need all that protein.
YES I need to lift when losing fat.
YES I allow myself a treat here and there because I'm a human.
YES I need to weight my food out because it's different for women and we can't just eat whatever we want and lose weight, especially when we are SHORT (dramatic because I'm angry, I know)

I'm literally crying in my room because a grown as man bullies me when I'm finally trying to be healthy. It's almost weekly. I have until January for us to move out. His comments made me almost slip back into that unhealthy restrictive mindset but I am trying so hard to power through those thoughts and keeping my eye on the prize - the healthy prize.

Just a vent I guess more than anything.

(it's a repost, the previous subreddit took it down for being "pro E.D", so I put a trigger warning in case: struggling with mental health)

I'm living with my parents and started a volunteering program in town. Thing is I've never been able to bring myself to ask them for money, even to buy food when I don't have much left in my account (I often take from my savings)

I just don't want to be a bother and ask them for more they're giving me. They never made me feel like a burden though, always making sure to listen to my needs so I always tried to be as easy as possible for them, and I realised that's just not possible anymore.

And when there's food, some days I can't bring myself to eat, feeling like I don't deserve it, some voice in my head that grew bigger with time, implying I deserve to starve, get thinner and thinner until I eventually disappear.

The anxiety doesn't help either, it makes me often nauseous enough, making me unable to swallow anything.

It's just a vicious circle of me hating myself, starving myself, diminishing myself until I hate myself even more, and breaking out of it would mean risking being "too much". I'd love to bulk someday, but I know that's never happening. Every day feels like my body breaking down a bit more, I have less energy, take less space, and I feel like I'm losing the battle.

I have had a somewhat active ED for 4 years now. I’m 16 now but it got really bad in 8th grade when I weighed 98 pounds at 5’8. I look recovered now. I’m 5’8 132 pounds now but I know I’ll never fully recover because i know i was able to loose so much weight in the past and i know i could do it again. Loosing weight is the only thing i think about and i honestly don’t want to get better. I’m afraid of spreading my disordered thoughts to other people so I can’t talk with any one of my friends about it but it’s getting in the way of me doing things and being happy. I’m obsessed with loosing weight and becoming skinny like i used to be even though I can’t lose any weight anymore because I binge eat everyday.

TW: Swearing & Guilt

14M (my birthday was yesterday!!!)

Am I supposed to feel bad for eating?

I feel so bad for eating dinner now, I mean I always say I'll start tomorrow but then tomorrow dinner looks so good and I eat it and then I say I'll start tomorrow and then tomorrow the same thing happens and it's just really annoying and I'm a bit of a bitch so.. anyway sorry for whining on here, bye internet!

I posted this on another subreddit and I got some alright advice from another user in private but I wanted to see if this community had anything to say about it

Hello everyone! I am a doctoral researcher at the University of Oxford, currently recruiting participants for a research study, looking at the nature of social anxiety and camouflaging in Anorexia and/or Autism.

We are looking for women, aged 16+:

• With a diagnosis of anorexia (with or without autism).

OR

• Healthy volunteers with no history of an eating disorder, autism, social anxiety or other serious mental health condition.

We would be so grateful for any participants! Please follow the link to take part. Thank you so much in advance.

https://oxfordxpsy.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_3xvKoOH3JuM0Owe

Hi I'm a 16 year old Male. This just started about 2 months ago, whenever I eat something I feel guilty so I tried to remove rice from my diet or if I do eat it that meal would just be my meal for the rest of the day. I feel so guilty whenever I eat I feel like a pig and I am so disgusted by myself. I want to be skinny I hate looking in the mirror cause all I can see is fat.

Hi Reddit, this is my first time posting! I am currently a sophomore in college, and like many girls, I struggle with an eating disorder. Throughout high school, I dealt with body image issues, but nothing compared to my struggles now. I would say in high school I had more disordered eating, but my freshman year of college I severely struggled with BED and gained 20lbs. I started taking antidepressants, along with other medications to help with my food noise. Right now I wouldn't consider that I still have BED, but the way I perceive myself is completely different than a few years ago. I genuinely feel like an alien in my body. Every time I look in the mirror, I feel HUGE, and frankly, putting on any kind of clothes that aren't sweats makes me feel disgusting. I talk to a therapist weekly, and although I am trying to change my mindset, nothing helps but the idea of being smaller, yet I haven't been able to lose any weight. I never feel pretty no matter what I do, which makes any type of outing dreadful. I hate going out because I always feel gross, and the idea of any man approaching me feels impossible. I have been dealing with these emotions/thoughts for over a year now, and I am SO over it. If anyone has any advice of any type, please let me know. I feel so alone and feel like I just keep digging myself into a deeper depressive hole. I want to feel pretty and actually like myself for once.

so my mom has jokingly accused me of anorexia a couple times now. Ive told her i think i have POTS (which is probably caused by my eating habits) and she’s going to tell my doctor that. Now, when i go to the doctor im obviously going to need to have a conversation about my eating habits and i honestly dont want to lie. I’ve tried to tell my mom but she’s not very helpful emotionally and we’ve also been going through lots of financial problems. So im honestly not sure what to do at this point and im quite scared of telling her. Lmk what to do…

i just don’t know what to do anymore :(
my old residential center doesn’t want to treat me for a third time and pretty much tells me i’m treatment resistant and i need to look elsewhere. the other residential center i’ve been to is not really fitting for me and all other places have enormous waitlists even only for an intake assessment.
i struggle a lot with motivation (for life too) which is why most places don’t want to help me (even though i am willing to work on getting motivation) and treatment places for personality disorder and my core problems (that are entangled with my ed) don’t take me due to my ed and low bmi.
the dutch system is so f*cked and i feel so so stuck. i just can’t recover on my own and feel utterly hopeless.

sorry needed to vent (:

Does anyone else hate how stuffed they constantly feel when eating healthy foods and also trying to eat ENOUGH food.

I get heartburn, feel constantly full, bloated. It’s literally healthy food. Fodmaps aren’t even the problem because I could eat chips with garlic/onion and still be fine.

Maybe I eat too much when im eating healthy.

This feeling stresses me out and makes me want to eat junk food instead.

I’m writing this for a throwaway just because, recently I’ve gone back to calorie counting and it’s been good (lost 10kg) and now all of a sudden I’m eating way below my deficit, like only 200 to 400 by lunchtime, even writing that out my brain it feels like a lot, my budget for the day is 2,064 calories and I’m lucky if I even eat all that, two days ago is when they’re throwing up started, or at least the feeling of it, I feel disgusting and sick and then I have to go to the bathroom and force myself to throw up, I feel like such a sissy talking about it because technically self-inflicted, I never actually thrown anything up, and when I have only once. I work in childcare and my job is becoming very very stressful very very quickly, I feel like nothing I do is right, could this just be a stress thing? Possibly but at the same time, I’ve never been like this. I only ever throw up when I’m overly drunk or actually sick, I’ve never been one of those people was throwing up due to anxiety or anything else.. I don’t know what I’m hoping to get from coming here and talking about this but I think I just need to get it off my chest. Also just for some background I normally cannot wait for lunch, most days it’s all I think about and all I think about is my next meal all of a sudden all that food noise is gone and I feel disgusting.
Cheers for listening.

Quick question for the peeps that have ED how can I look at food without me feeling full already I will literally starve all morning and as soon as I take one bite of food I’m full and most of times I force myself to eat and I end up feeling sick after wards I weigh 83 pounds and my goal is 100 but I keep dropping even if I eat. What is something you tried or any helpful tips for this struggling girly 🫶🏼

Basically what the title says.

Every other video is some advertisement for a cutting mix, the pink and yellow one that now has drops as well. A lot of the ads were “my gf is never hungry and it’s because of this drink” which idk sounds like starving herself to me.

As someone who has struggled with eating so much since a young age, I’ve even found myself thinking that these things are normal even though I know they’re not. Like I’m being brainwashed.

Now there’s a digestive aid that people are saying to take with every meal and you’ll be so flat and not bloated. And what happens when people buy this product and it’s not so?

So many people are probably losing themselves over these tiktok fixes that a whole bunch of bots are claiming works in the comments.

Then there’s the cabbage detox, and the watermelon diet, or the 50 hard fitness or whatever. There’s so many different things that play into shaping the way users think about their own eating habits and bodies and it’s so disgusting.

Like I know this is an ongoing issue, with all social media, but it’s like so much more obnoxious on TikTok compared to any other platform.

ok so im not diagnosed with anything, but i think i might have a problem, i feel fucking huge, im 143 rn and ive been around 140 for the past little while but when i was healthy i was almost 156. when it got rlly bad i was 138, and i was the happiest ive ever been. i had dropped like 18 pounds. and i didnt just have weight to lose like that, im already skinny. ok so heres my real problem. i feel insane. im 140, and thats a skinny as i can get myself but i still feel huge bc in my mind i feel like bc i dont weigh 120 or below that its a problem. but then theres the factor of my height, bc im tall (female, 6'0) i weigh more, simply just because, theres more to me, and it makes me crazy. idk what to do or who to tell, so im here. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

hey everyone hru doing.

i hope you read it all and consider writing an advice please

so I'm 18f i started losing weight at 16 and i lost roughly 10kg.

i post it mindlessly so therefore i lost muscle and lots of hair during this process.

i wanted to lose more weight but i those i should consider workout to be actually toned.

so i started working put 6 months ago.

but i want you to imagine having absolutely no idea about workout in your entire life and start working out at home.

plus i couldn't control my food because i already have a very bad relationship with food.

and my relatives with family got worse because i look like a hypocrite and unreliable because for months i showed no progress at all.

and this is killing me everyday it gotten to the point where i don't wanna eat i feel like im not worthy of eating and if i was worthy i should've showed results.

and i can't tolerate my appearance anymore so u started starving myself and walking a ton but this is not helping my workout or my life im basically losing the ability to do anything and i can't bring myself to eat normally for the reasons i mentioned earlier.

so now i don't know what to do anymore.

please help me with anything i don't know what to do

I originally posted this in /EDAnonymous and it got removed for making personal attacks / inciting mean arguments, but please believe me when I say that is not my intention. I was hesitant to post again because I don't want people thinking that I'm trying to invalidate someone's ED experience, but I really need some help and insight and maybe advice or even just someone to vent to. I'm aware I need therapy and should be talking to a professional about this, but I'm not ready to admit aloud that I have a problem. I just need to get this off my chest because the anxiety it's causing me is giving me such bad stomach issues that I cannot eat and that is causing even more issues for me (details below).

Obligatory throwaway account.

Buckle up, because this is going to be a long one. I just need to know if I’m being gaslit and have the right to feel frustrated, or if I’m being a total judgmental bitch and should stop trying to downplay someone’s ED experience.

For some background context, I have a (medically undiagnosed) eating disorder. I know my eating habits (or lack of) and obsessive compulsion with exercising is leading me down a dark path, but that particular issue is not why I’m here. I have always technically been at a “normal” BMI (albeit on the lower side) but it’s nothing that’s ever concerned my doctors. I’m also relatively healthy in terms of all of my other vitals and my eating disorder symptoms are easily explained by the fact that I’m a really active person and I workout almost every day. I grew up dancing competitively, so I never had a normal period, and because I do so much cardio, it makes sense why my resting heart rate is low. This is all important to know for the conundrum I’m currently in.

Earlier this year, I contracted pneumonia and the flu at the same time (whoo -_-) that left me in the ER for a couple of nights. Because of how sick I was, I ended up losing a ton of weight that put me well into the underweight BMI category. Even after recovering, I’ve been “struggling” to gain this weight back. I say struggling in quotations because I could gain it back if I ate a normal amount of calories and/or stopped working out as much as I do, but the truth is, I’m happy I lost all this weight and I don’t want to gain it all back (again, not what I’m looking for guidance on).

I’m currently on a dance team, and during practice a couple of months ago, I ended up fainting. I went back to the ER, and my vitals did not look great (that’s putting it lightly, they were bad). That and because I’m still technically underweight, my doctors are starting to get concerned and are probably under the suspicion that I might have an eating disorder. They haven’t said anything to me but I assume that they are because they heavily recommended that I work with a nutritionist/dietician and they requested that I come in for regular check ups. They also said that if things don’t start improving, they would recommend to my dance coach that I be removed from the team and they wouldn’t clear me to dance again (my team requires us to submit annual physicals and sign offs from our doctors to participate for the season). The only reason I’m in the ok now and why (I assume) they won’t straight up diagnose me with an eating disorder is because this is the first time I’ve ever had these health issues. Like I mentioned earlier, all of my previous checkups show that I am a very healthy, “normal” person. If you’ve stayed with me for this long, congrats. I promise I’m getting close to the point of the story.

So anyways, I’ve been seeing a nutritionist for a while now and part of my treatment plan is to journal and track what I eat in an app so they can see what my calorie intake is (I feel like this is counterintuitive for someone with an eating disorder but again, they don’t know that I have one). So in this app I write down or take pictures of everything I eat in a day so that they know that I am in fact eating, and it also connects to my Apple Watch, so it knows what workouts I’ve done, how many calories I’ve burned, what my heart rate is, etc. And then we meet once or twice a week to go over a meal plan kind of thing and how much I need to be eating to sustain how many calories I burn.

The other week I was out with friends at dinner, and I snapped a quick pic of my dinner to upload into the app. This girl that I met that night saw me do it and asked what I was doing / why I was doing it, and I told her that it was a part of a treatment plan. She prodded a little bit, and long story short, she basically called me out for having an eating disorder (I will say, it was not in a mean or judgmental way) and said she recognized my symptoms because she also suffered from one for almost half her life.

This girl, let’s call her "Anna", said she was diagnosed with anorexia and bulimia in middle school and was hospitalized because of it. She said it was a serious struggle but she was able to somewhat get it “under control” in high school because she was working with an ED therapist, nutritionist, diet coach, etc and she could live a pretty normal life but then her ED got really bad when she moved away to college because it was her first time being independent and in total control of what she ate and it caused her to spiral. Anna said that it got so bad during her second year that her heart and body basically started shutting down and she was committed to a treatment facility during the summer before her third year of college.

Let me make myself clear, I do not think she was lying. I know that eating disorders can affect millions of people, especially young girls, and I’m not here to say whether or not this happened. I’m getting closer to where I’m starting to feel conflicted.

Earlier this same dinner in another conversation, Anna had mentioned that she was really active her entire life as well. She ran track and cross country starting from middle school, all throughout high school, and continued running seriously in college. She also said she swam competitively and lifeguarded during the summers (and I’m not proud of this, but I did do some digging and her sports records do show up and there’s evidence of her participating in these sports for the years she would have been in middle and high school, so she’s not making this up). All this is to say that the treatment and care she received for her ED clearly helped in so much that it kept her body healthy enough to be cleared by doctors/her parents/school athletic trainers/etc to participate in all of these activities and also get a lifeguard certification. It may have been a mental battle for her during this time, but I feel like based on what she said, it was clearly not a physical one. Cool, I can move past this.

Anna also mentioned that she ran a marathon in her sophomore year of college with such a time that it qualified her for one of the most competitive races in the world that took place a year later. I looked it up and her time was just shy of 3-hours. This is where things start to get murky for me as I try and piece together her timeline and story based off of a few random conversations I had or overheard with her. This marathon was in April of her sophomore year in college. Just a few months later (she said end of summer) is when her ED got so bad that she had to be committed to the treatment facility before going back to college for her third year.

Once again, I need to make myself clear in that I’m not doubting any of this happening. First of all, I can see her high school and college race records and know that she isn’t lying about any of that. Second of all, I can’t imagine anyone lying about having an ED or having spent time in basically rehab, and considering it was a private conversation off to the side, I don’t think she was doing it for attention. I’ve also seen pictures of her from this time, and she does look really thin. Now, do I think she looks like “anorexic” thin and this is how I know for sure she had an ED? No. I mean, she looked like the majority of the other serious runners I know. I just want it to be clear that I’m not basing whether or not I believe her on how she looked. I know runners are usually skinny, but I’m not here to judge body types. Just because someone doesn’t “look” anorexic, doesn’t mean they aren’t, and vice versa. I have no idea what’s going on with their actual health. Again, this is not the point.

Here’s where things start to get confusing for me- she said she got committed because her heart was basically shutting down on her and she was experiencing really serious symptoms of bradycardia and cardiac arrhythmia (among others), so she spent all of August at the facility. She said she was eating so little that they considered feeding her through a tube so she would actually consume food. Sounds terrible, right? But remember that super competitive marathon I mentioned that she qualified for? Well, she ran it. It was only about 7-8 months after her stay at the treatment center, and she ran it in yet another insane time, like right around 3:20.

This is where I am so conflicted in how I feel about her and the conversations we had. When she saw me tracking my food, again, she kinda called me out about my eating disorder, saying she noticed that I was exhibiting a lot of the same behaviors she had when she was dealing with hers, and basically said like, I know what you’re going through, just know that you’re not alone, you’re strong enough to get through it, etc etc. At the time, I definitely thought it was weird and was taken aback because I was like, we just met and also you have zero idea why I’m tracking my food, but of course I didn’t say anything and just thanked her after she opened up to me about her story. However, looking back at everything she said and everything I was able to piece together, I’m frustrated because it’s like, DO you actually know how I feel????

Because I can’t imagine starving myself to the point of my heart giving out that I have to be committed to rehab, but then being healthy enough to run a whole ass marathon just months later. And especially with that kind of time, which means that she was indeed running, not walking. I just find it so hard to believe that someone could run not one, but TWO marathons in less than a year while battling an ED that is as severe as she claims, but more importantly, that she was actually cleared to run the second one! By her doctors, her care team, her parents… it’s so frustrating because I had to BEG my doctors to the point of having a panic attack to allow me to continue dancing this year, and it’s not even as serious as sprinting a marathon! And the only reason I know they signed off on it was because I had a basically perfect medical history. No major complications, always at a normal BMI, etc. I can’t imagine what she had to say or do to convince her healthcare providers to let her run or even exercise again, after her almost decade long history of dealing with an ED and having all these heart issues and significant bone loss and weight loss. I'm sure she begged too, but if her ED was that bad and had been going on for that long, I don't know who in their right mind would sign off on it that quickly. I also find it hard to believe that after all that, after even being committed to a facility, her parents allowed her to go back to college hours away from them. But whatever, I don’t know her parents and whatever conversations they had are not my business. It’s just that I’m currently under SO much scrutiny by my doctors and my friends and family, and I don’t even technically “have” an ED!!!! My eating and workout habits are being tracked so closely, I have to see a nutritionist every week, I have to go to my doctor’s like every other week, and it’s like, DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL??? Do you really know what it’s like to have your life be threatened to be put on pause because you’re not gaining weight or because people THINK you have an ED??? Because it doesn’t sound like your life, the things you enjoyed doing were threatened to be taken away. You got to run both your marathons, you got to travel all over the world during your college summers with your clubs, your parents let you go back to college states away after being released, and meanwhile mine are threatening to make me go on short term disability leave at work and move in back home so they can monitor me.

Do I think that Anna used running and exercise as an obsessive and unhealthy means of weight control? Yes. Do I think that she probably wasn’t fueling herself nearly enough to do what she did considering how active she was? Abso-fucking-lutely. But do I think that her ED was so severe and she was starving herself so much that it caused her body and heart to basically shut down and stop working? No. In my (probably ignorant) mind, it seems almost impossible to sprint an entire marathon while your body is eating away at itself. I don’t think that her health deteriorated so badly that she was forced to go the treatment facility by her doctors, the same ones that would later allow her to train for and run a marathon just a few months later.

And I feel like a fucking bitch for thinking any of that. For thinking it wasn’t “that bad” as if any form of an ED isn’t fucking terrible. For doubting her, for trying to poke holes in her story that she told me to be sympathetic to my situation. I’m over here going all internet sleuth on someone I just met because for some reason, I feel like nobody gets it. Nobody gets me. Even though I know that’s ridiculous and SO many people are in the same boat as me. But maybe I want to feel special. Maybe this is a cry for attention. Maybe I’m just being picky and annoying about semantics. She said she was “hospitalized" and "committed" and maybe she just meant that she was in the hospital a lot and stayed at a treatment center and I'm judging her for not knowing the difference or the meaning behind those specific words. I don’t even know anymore. I don’t even know that much to be honest with you.

What I do know is that EDs exist in all kinds of ways and they affect people differently. I also understand that not everybody’s journey to recovery or treatment plan looks the same. But I just can’t help feel that Anna was making it sound worse than it might have been to make me feel better. To make me feel seen. Which I appreciate, and why I feel so guilty for even questioning any of the things she was saying. I just feel so conflicted by how seemingly quick she bounced back. If her ED had truly gotten as bad as she said, I don’t understand how her parents would let her go back to college by herself again, or why her care team signed off on her running so quickly after treatment, or even how she managed to run another full marathon in just a few short months. Not that it’s any of my business to begin with.

Again, I want it to be clear that I don’t not believe her. I don’t doubt that she spent time in a treatment facility. I really just can’t see anybody lying about that. But I feel like maybe she realized on her own how bad it was getting and voluntarily admitted herself, instead of being involuntarily committed by healthcare professionals or her family. And I’m proud of her for getting the help she needed. Maybe I’m just jealous she overcame her ED and recovered to live a pretty normal life, while I’m still over here feeling alone and isolated and frustrated and guilty and ashamed.

And the worst part is, I can’t even talk to anybody about this. I can’t tell anyone how I’m feeling because that would require me to admit that I have a problem. And I’m afraid if I do that, everything I know and love will be taken away from me until I get better. And I know I need to get better, but fuck I want to stay skinny. I have never been so much happier in my body. Even if I am tired and hungry and cranky all the time. Even if it is a struggle to get through a dance practice. I like my body for once in my life. It’s great visually, but man is it taxing mentally and physically.

And this is why I’m here. Apparently I need strangers to tell me how I should feel. I need someone to tell me if this is normal. Or heard of. That you can in fact recover quickly enough from a serious ED to run a marathon 7 months later. That your body can get better in that short of time and that your doctors will allow you to exercise and be active again after being discharged from a treatment facility. That maybe exercise can be a part of a recovery and treatment plan. I need somebody to tell me that I’m being a judgmental, “oh woe is me” and “nobody understands me” bitch and that I sound like I’m trying to gate keep eating disorders. Or that I’m pretending to be some sort of know-it-all just because I’m dealing with one and that I’m actually not special or unique.

Or maybe I need somebody to tell me that I am justified in my feelings of frustration and confusion. That maybe she doesn’t know exactly how I feel and she was crossing a boundary by having a conversation like that with me. That maybe her story does sound a little off for someone whose ED was as severe as she says, and that maybe she was over-dramatizing it to seem more empathetic and understanding to my situation. Like I need to know, does her recovery experience sound normal to people who have recovered? Not that anything related to EDs are "normal". I honestly don’t even know what her recovery experience was like. I only know she was able to recover quickly enough to run a marathon and that’s all I’m basing any of this off of.

I just need to know if I should stay away from this girl, or if maybe I might have a friend who might actually understand me. One that I could talk to about what I'm going through. Though, I guess I probably would still never talk to her about it because I wouldn’t want to trigger her. I just need someone to absolve me of my confusion and guilt please. Anything. It’s making me spiral and feel even worse.

My ED keeps getting worse and it makes me so nervous and concerned. I atethree large pieces of cake and a whole chocolate bar, so I do feel nauseous and I already know that I won’t eat properly tomorrow partly because I will be sick. I just don’t really know the exact reasons why I behave this way, maybe it’s stress or Sejaro’s effect disappears around weekends, just before the next dose… I cannot accept it, I feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. Not even angry, just so tired. I know I should not focus on thoughts regarding food, but for me it's like losing control. I thought I became used to it, but I still feel hopeless and I still seek support. I wish I could wake up someday and forget about this(

In a time of overwhelming pressure from the female population to "decenter men" and to become strong as opposed to skinny, I feel extremely alone in the way I cope with what has been happening to me.

I started out as overweight so it's not so worrying, and a few years ago I used to have BED, now it's gone to the other side and of course I am extremely thankful.

I started doing this because the guy I was interested in apparently had never been with an overweight woman before and I didn't want to be the odd one out. Plus he was keeping me in a casual zone and I thought that losing weight would help him commit to me like he did to his skinny ex-girlfriends. Apparently that was not good enough because the skinnier I got the more distant he became which culminated in him leaving me at my best weight in my opinion.

What started out with intermittent fasting is now me eating one small meal a day, or sometimes even nothing and I drink a lot of milk instead. I also don't work out because I don't have energy and because I don't really like the toned look on women so I don't want to look like that either.

I don't know if I'm allowed to mention weights on this group but I have lost over 20% of my body weight in less than half a year. I'm not interested in living too long or ever having children so I don't really care about the impact of this on my health. I only care because I feel like I ruined things with him by changing myself so drastically...

It's so weird to me that I started this situationship overweight and then by the time I had reached my gold weight he left me. Therefore I am now in total restricting mode and I am punishing myself for the fact that he doesn't want me. It feels right and I do not want to get talked out of it. I would love it if I found like-minded women, or at least some stories of similar feelings so I feel less alone. Thank you!

For context I’m not skinny chubby i would say. I used to be fat my whole life, but then i started starving myself for the past 2 years and lost like 10kgs. Eventually i stopped, just couldn't do it anymore and gained the 3kgs back. My whole life, my family was "direct". They’d say anything just to mess with you and look funny. They always mocked me,and i kept asking them to stop. Then my mom married my stepdad. When he joined our family, he realised they were making any kinds of jokes. So he started doing it too. Once he said i shouldnt get in the car cause i might pop the tires (I was 172cm 69 kgs back then-still fat ik???) and another time we were in the pool he said i would empty it if i jump in it. You kinda get used to it when ur family does it your whole life but when a stranger you've only known for about a year does it, it really gets on your nerves. I started throwing up most of the things i ate. Now i cannot stop undereating and over excersizing or throwing up after checking every calorie. I asked them to stop, i even cried in front of them. They stop doing it for a while, but then after a couple of weeks they just start again. My brother stopped calling them daily like he used to do. Now they only speak once a weak but i, i cant escape i live with them and i hate it so much. I feel disgusted by myself and cannot stop thinking about foods and my body.

TW ED TW ED

I weigh myself every Saturday morning.

I have been consistently losing an average of 2lbs per week which is a number I have become addicted to reaching and almost expect it now.

Today was the first day that my weight did not go down, it did not stay the same, it increased! Sure it was 0.4lbs but how could this happen!?

I feel like I failed somewhere and need to be more extreme but don't think I can and remain functional if I do. I know as I lose weight the loss rate will also slow but how am I supposed to not feel completely disgusted and let down?

I don't want to back slide into different bad habits. How can I accept not perfect progress?