FanGraphs has outjerked The Onion

Actual congressional testimony

Thank me later

(Tubthumping, West Virginia) Authorities have announced that a Russian spy-ring led by oligarch Vladmir Swichliteov has been rooted out and arrested thanks largely due to the tip-off given to them by a local fanclub.

The fan, who called the FBI, agreed to speak with us on the condition that we obscure his face and name because he "didn't want to piss off the Russians and get poisoned one day with that sodium chloride stuff." He told us that he began to become suspicious when the guy would cheer when that "one player on our team that we all hate got a hit"; or, "when our pitcher gave up a homerun in the first and he'd say something like 'it's just the first inning, it'll be fine'," the fan said.

"When he first arrived I was a bit confused by his accent," the fan began before explaining that 'John Smith' the spy's American alias, explained that he "was 'from Wisconsin originally', and I was like 'yeah, you sound pretty Wisconsinish."

But, as more evidence began to pile up he began to grow more suspicious. "At first I thought he was like Canadian or something; like, he was just too polite. He'd say good game to everyone, and would wash his hands after pissing, and even once brought fucking snacks to the sportsbar, some of that weird shit with the pig fat and the bread, the putin stuff the Canadians love."

But it was as the season came to a close that our insider knew that this guy had to be a spy. Final out of the 9th, I swear on my mother, he says 'well, that sucks the big daddy, but at least we had a good regular season.' A good regular season? He thinks it's a good regular season to lose in the postseason? Yeah, I called the FBI from the bathroom five minutes later."

Special Agent Minaj answered the call, arriving hours later to arrest "John Smith" who is actually Petyr Vanamassach, a spy with expert training in hand-to-hand handshaking. "He knew I had him as soon as I walked in and flashed him, before showing my badge," said Special Agent Minaj. "He confessed to everything within ten minutes of Kid Rock torture."

If found guilty, each member of the spy ring faces up to 20 years in prison, or deportation following a pardon.

this admin is run by yankees and guardians fans