I am sorry for the nsfw flag, but i simply have nobody to tell this to, I am genuinely shaking, and i have multiple violent thoughts going on.
I (18M) live in this neighborhood where I've seen at least 2 creeps get caught for their predatory behaviour towards children. Now there is this guy (around 40yo+) ill refer to as M , he knows me since he was hired years ago to paint a room in our house, this, and for the last year or so he has been a little too comfortable with his sexual life. He has usually asked me if there are sluts in my university and how he really needs to release himself(if you do the math this started when i was 17 yo),Yes, very disgusting, and i always try to dodge the convo or dodge him entirely by taking a longer way around his house.
Now besides M asking me to get him to enter my university so he can hit on female students, he also gradually started commenting on me, I am fairly more white than people around here (which is considered feminine for some reason?), i also shave my face, and i has been growing my hair for the last year, i am quite skinny too.
Now to be fair, i have always been harassed and bullied for the way i look, and now with long hair, the amount of harassment doubled... I've been getting sexual comments from my classmates and coworkers, but i really never felt this deep disgust, as it was really direct therefore it was more of insults and bullying, yes it makes me very uncomfortable, yet i see these people as jerks and bullies rather than creeps.
Now back to M, he sometimes mentions the local forest, where i used to play as a kid, and it's been frequent through my interactions with him, now I don't want to recite all of our conversations so i will jump to today.
I went outside to buy groceries around 7pm, and went to get something to eat for I don't spoil myself often, and when i was on my back i bumped into M, i tried to dodge him but he ended up catching me in a handshake and starting a conversation, he asked the usual, "are there any sluts around, i got to release myself", forward a little for him talking about the forest, now i am already uncomfortable since he still didn't let go of my hand, then he said something in the lines of "do you wanna hangout sometimes and talk there", and my stupid ass asked for what he meant, for him to explain that he'll pay me to do a service for him. I froze in shock, and started to mumble "no, no" under my mouth, i slipped from there awkwardly in a moment of silence to the nearest store, and in the span of a minute or so, i finally snapped inside a store, and all i felt was disgust, humiliation and rage, i started to think if i should go back and beat the shit out of M, use anything around me to not leave a spark of life in him, but i was in a very confused state of mind i can't explain, it's probably my brain trying to process what's going on, as i don't have social interaction like normal people, I AM someone who is isolated, who doesn't talk much with people, and this is what my once a week conversation is??
I got home and started looking at myself, thinking of buzzing my hair, scaring myself just to look more masculine, i never wanted to look masculine, i like the way i am if not more feminine. I was thinking of what i must be of a shame toward my family for people to see me this way, is this what people think of me? (It's also worth a mention that as soon i left the store i met my uncle who is a hot head but didn't tell him anything)
I don't know what to do, i am afraid that i tell anyone ill be seen as a shameful POS because of this stupid society.
I am really tired and disgusted talking about this, i am sorry for my bad story telling, english and formatting, i never posted something like this to Reddit, and i have absolutely nobody to tell this to, I am still thinking of doing horrible stuff.
I may delete this after a while because i wanted to post it in a burner account and i don't have one.
Feel free to ask questions or give advice, i really need it.