Not sure if this is the right place. I had a brief phase in high school where I became obsessed with religion in general and studied the Abrahamic religions. Never committed to any of them since they’re all some reiteration of a similar God.

Anywho, I saw some Mormon missionaries out a couple of days ago and they asked me if I wanted to hear about the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I said sure, because I had already known about the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith, the Temple, etc.

I eventually led the conversation to Joseph Smith and asked how they feel about polygamy. They got visibly uncomfortable as I mentioned Joseph Smith’s maidens as I paired it with Bible verses about having one wife.

Then I brought up the fact that they believe in multiple gods even if they claim to believe in one per their theology. I asked how that made sense and paired it with verses about Christianity having one God.

I felt bad in the end since they both looked really uncomfortable. They assumed I knew nothing about their Church but I already knew more than they could’ve guessed. I even brought up their ideas of new revelation and how I thought it was a coverup for racism, polygamy, and sexism in the church.

I’m not a Christian at all and I told them that. They asked me how I knew so much; I said I learned it all in high school. I even asked them how they felt about Judaism and Islam, they said they hope they go to Heaven. But by their standards, they won’t even go to the ‘highest heaven.’

So I just dropped it and told them to have a good day. If the girls see this, I’m sorry. I was just feeling a bit excited to converse that day.

I’m 29, and I think I’ve reached the point where I can no longer honestly say I believe in God or Christianity.

A big part of that is unanswered prayer. Abandonment has been a recurring wound in my life since childhood. My birth father abandoned me, and since then I’ve experienced versions of that same hurt through family, friendships, relationships, and communities I thought would stay in my life.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve prayed for love, connection, and especially to stop feeling abandoned by people I care about.
I know the usual answers: God has a purpose, God’s timing is different, suffering teaches us something, sometimes the answer is no. I tried to accept those explanations for years, but they don’t really work for me anymore.

I was taught that God knows me, loves me, hears me, and understands my deepest wounds. After nearly 29 years of bringing this same pain to God and repeatedly experiencing the thing I was praying about, I’m struggling to reconcile that idea of God with my actual life.

I’m not saying unanswered prayer proves God doesn’t exist. I’m asking whether there comes a point where your lived experience reasonably changes what you’re able to believe.

Has anyone else ended up agnostic or lost their faith for similar reasons?