From the age of 4 till around 12ish (I say ish because it never really stopped, they just gradually slowed down and became more controllable) I had really bad tics. They were painful, loud, and oftentimes embarrassing for me and whoever I was with. My worst one was when I would throw my head forwards really hard and fast and give myself whiplash, this one lasted for a few years. I had vocal tics (I think) where I would constantly make clicking noises in my throat, I had one where it made me put a weird pirate noise through when I spoke, this ones hard to explain... I had one where it gave me a lisp??? Lord knows what this one was about. I had motor tics, opening my eyes super wide, constantly moving my eyebrows and then they felt uneven so I had to keep doing it till they felt even, which they never did. And a whole lot more.
It interrupted school, it interrupted my sleep, family members didn't want to invite me to things because I was embarrassing. It made me cry, I was so angry at myself because I just couldn't stop, and I wanted to be normal.
I went to therapy for it, a few different times. The main one was CAHMS (UK). They tried to get to the root cause of my tics when I was between the ages of 4-7 and they always came back to one specific thing, my mother's ex partner. He sexually abused me and physically abused my mother when I was aged 2-4, where my ticks shortly began once he left the picture. I don't remember much, memories come back every now and then, so for a long time I never ever considered that these repressed memories could have anything to do with my tics, but those therapists at CAHMS seemed to believe it did. Who knows, I'm not the professional here.
In my teenage years I still had tics, they just weren't as noticeable as they used to be. My most noticeable ones went away and sort of replaced by mild ones such an wriggling my ears which I hid behind my hair, or throat noises which I was usually able to laugh off and pretend it wasn't there, eyebrow movements, I was still ashamed and didn't want to tell my friends but they still definitely noticed and I eventually told them.
I'm now 22, and my tics are probably 90% 'gone'. My main one right now is a throat noise I make by breathing in but closing off my throat so it clicks, in and out. It's very frustrating because I'm doing it all day every day and it makes me out of breath after a long 'tic session' and I don't even notice half of the time. When I do notice, I can temporarily stop it but the urge is too strong. It's especially annoying in quiet lecture halls because I get so scared that I'm being loud and everyone is annoyed but so far no one has said anything.
I've always been told that tourettes don't just go away, and my particular tics never really met the requirements to be diagnosed with anything when they were at their worst. I didn't get help, I was told that there's nothing anyone can do. So here I am, 22 years old and I still have no idea what WAS and what IS wrong with me and my brain. Recently they have gotten alot more noticeable, especially my throat clicking, which became more prominent once the new academic year started and I went back to uni. My tics can often be linked with my anxiety and how I feel.
In a weird way, I just want to be validated. I've been told so many different things my whole life, that I have tourettes, that I don't have tourettes, that because I can somewhat control them then I must be faking it, I'm following a trend even though I'm 22 years of age and have had this since I was 4, that I have a tic disorder, that I don't have a tic disorder because they mostly stopped during my teenage years.
It's so frustrating to know that there is something wrong with me yet the world seems to shut me down when I try and speak about it. The only person who has ever been supportive of me through all of this is my mother and my sister, I wouldn't have gotten through this without them.