My final session with my former therapist was 1 year ago. Broke my heart. I've been reminiscing and reading through letters she has written for me and I wanted to share just a few of the notes she gave me to hold onto between sessions (we met 3x/week mostly, sometimes more).

I have been seeing this therapist for a few months i really liked him but in conversarion i asked about a trip out of country and he mentioned a mission he is going on and it happens to be a very fundamentalist religion i happen to know alot about and am not a fan of esp bc of their jundmental attitudes
i now feel like i cannot be totally open w him anymore and am afraid i will be holding back on my true feelings. im not sure what to do
he has been very kind but i now feel like i cant trust him bc of his personal choices. comments? suggestions? he is my second therapist i have seen so far.
I used to have one that was liberal atheist like me and unfort its been hard to find another in bible belt. help!

I made a post about 2 weeks ago about seeing a new therapist that is quite abit younger than me for issues I have in past relationships that have to do with emotional cheating, insecurities and all that.

anyway she had asked about a specific sexual situation in one session and I felt a little uncomfortable talking to her about it because I didn’t know her boundaries and the story had some personal things about it that had to do with… well me being well endowed, which I felt could really come off wrong and be misunderstood…

***
with the advice I got on here basically said just ask her about her boundaries first and tell her because it could be fairly important.

So I ended up talking to her about it and she ended up really focusing on that. Honestly, I felt somewhat relieved that she seemed comfortable discussing it. There have been things I've buried for years because I haven't really had anyone I felt comfortable talking to about them.

like one thing that I've sometimes felt guilty during sex when I've hurt a partner. It's an awful feeling because I see it as putting my own wants above their needs, even when hurting them was never my intention. And this resulted in me developing certain rules and precautions that I follow during sex. It's not necessarily because sex itself is difficult, but because I want to protect my partner and, to some extent, protect myself emotionally. If I follow those rules and something still goes wrong, I can at least tell myself that I did what I could to prevent it.

And this created issues where my mind was so focused on these rules I almost can’t enjoy sex because if I stop thinking about that and just do what feels natural I risk hurting her or myself which makes it hard to finish…

Here is the thing… I sense my therapist understands I have clear issues with this. I get it, it felt good to vent for once but it’s just not why I’m here.

my issues are more emotional infidelity or communication problems that I want to understand how I got this bad or what I can do to help control it.. granted these issues I have might play a factor but I also can’t just get over I basically spent an hour talking to her about issues I had that stemmed mostly from me being well endowed.

I’d even try to switch off and more talk about my childhood and being raised religious being sheltered from relationship… which she then kinda turned around an asking me if I felt my religious beliefs and outlook on sex in a way made me feel like i couldn’t accept the differences in my body.

What I am really trying to get at here is I feel that she senses some issues that I have but it’s not really what I’m here for. I want to stay more on track but potentially in a way these problems could be relevant??? I just don’t know if I should try to get her to focus more on the issues I have at hand or if I should trust the process and more let her guide.

the idea of acceptance or radical acceptance comes up a lot in therapy, in a lot of different modalities. i'm extremely averse to this word for a lot of reasons, but the broad reason is i just cannot understand how it doesn't mean to give up. if you ask people, they have their usual answer as to what acceptance means, but the answer also is a non-answer to me. it's often something like "acceptance doesnt mean giving up or invalidating you, or that your experiences or feelings don't matter, it just means coming to terms with it" but coming to terms with it is equally vague.

i think what people are trying to say when they tell you to accept something is to stop being angry/distressed/miserable about something, to stop wallowing. usually with the insinuation that doing so makes you worse and makes your life worse and if you just had a positive attitude, you'd at least live a better life.

but to me, there's absolutely zero certainty in this approach. it may work for some, but only as a delusional type of coping mechanism. just because something is conceptualised as causing no additional suffering doesn't mean it actually is the case always and it doesn't mean it's the 'healthy' response.

i guess i'm saying all of this to try and grasp what the point of acceptance is supposed to be and how it is any different from simply being completely demoralised and giving up. it is, after all, to accept how things are.

I (M23) have been seeing my therapist (F28?) for 2 years now. I've had many before, but she's the first one that seems to truly understand me or care. It feels like she's the first person that is not trying to "fix me".

Just for context. I have ASD (diagnosed) and CPTSD. I was depressed for many years. I'm a very cold person. It's hard for me to show emotions or trust people.
The main reason I go to therapy is to deal with my loneliness and guilt over severe childhood trauma. I'll admit, part of the reason why I also go to therapy is because basically nobody cares about me and it's the only way I have someone that listens to me without blaming me for everything.

I'm from a third world country, I have no friends, basically nonexistent big job opportunities here and don't really get along with my family.

I never ask about her personal life. Never text her or call her outside of sessions. I prefer keeping boundaries because it'd make my transference issues worse, I don't like wasting people's time and I still hate relying on people.

She's very professional. It's extremely rare for her to disclose anything too, but sometimes, she does it to make a point, comfort me or lately, she slips up (?).

A few months ago, we changed our usual schedule. It wasn't a very disruptive change, so I agreed. What stuck with me is how she said she was going to change our schedule because she's "working with a new organization... not due to lack of patients".

Which is weird, because I never said anything about that. But honestly, yes. I rarely see other patients. Could be that most are online. Therapy is still very taboo in this country. And most people can't afford it.

Then, in our last session, she said something that kept me thinking. "I'm proud of you because after all, you kept going. I consider your job [Freelance] to be very lonely. This job is very lonely too. You don't know if a patient is making progress, if you're doing things right or if you could do something more. You don't have anyone to ask... Even then, you keep going and making progress".

When she said that, she maintained her professionalism, but I could notice she had glassy eyes. I could be wrong. I remember that stuck with me. I'm not complaining about this. I do appreciate some vulnerability because it reminds me she's human too.

She didn't mention it again. But when the session finished, I just felt like I had to say something. So I told her "I think you've been doing a great job". And I meant it. She smiled and replied "Thanks for sharing that... It is a lonely job".

I think it was impactful because it perfectly mirrors my issues too. I tell her the same things: that I'm used to feeling lonely, that I often doubt my skills, or that I wish I had someone who understood, challenged me or guided me.

And I never had that because there are no opportunities and I've always been self taught, worked alone and survived alone.

Maybe you consider this to be unprofessional? I personally don't mind and don't consider it a big deal, but trying to empathize with her leaves me thinking. Is she lonely too? Could/Should I do anything about it? Am I a difficult patient? Maybe I'm too cold? Does she even like me as a patient? (Maybe?)

I'm curious to see what other people think. Apologies for the wall of text and (potentially) bad grammar.

So, I'm not a minor, if this is relevant. My dad is abusive and recently we had a big fight where he gave me death threats several times. This incident has left me very disturbed but I'm hesitant to bring it up in therapy as I am afraid my therapist might report him and get him sent to jail. The only reason I don't want him to go to jail despite the abuse is because he is the breadwinner of the family and none of us earn. I am not in the position to earn right now so we have always been dependent on him.

Would I risk him going to jail if I mention his actions to my therapist?

I'm 19f. I've been in therapy since February because I couldn't handle the depression anymore; I guess that making my way out of depression has made my anxiety more intense. Also, obviously there are going to be other kinds of challenges.

Well, basically, I've been stuck in an obsessive spiral since late August. Theres this thing i felt like i was missing, and i was terrified i'd never have it. I cried over it EVERY day, and I never wanted to stop thinking about it. Worrying never fixed the problem, but it felt unsafe to stop. Still, the topic of the spiral was very embarassing to me and it took me 3 weeks to tell my therapist abt it.

I thought it was my fault for being shallow and obsessed... that I was creating random, unnecessary problems for myself. However — I dropped a doorknob confession on him 20 mins before the session ended and cried like a baby; then, after I told him everything, I felt like his validating and calm reaction had healed me.

I recognize that I was mostly avoiding the thought for a few weeks, because I knew it would've dragged me in that horrible dark place once more. I didn't want that, so I think I simply tried to protect myself by avoiding the thought or not engaging with it when it came.

But the past three days or so, I've been triggered very easily again. I've "finished" crying over it just now. I feel the same, familiar intense sadness it regularly gave me until last month; it's not easy to stay away from triggers because they're basically everywhere. Daily life is a trigger atp.

My therapist hasn't exactly given this a name, he's only called them obsessive thoughts. Since I haven't mentioned it again, we've just stopped talking about it, but I don't know what I need. I want to feel better, but right now, I feel like that's not achievable unless I literally FIX the issue I'm worried about. The idea of accepting the worst case scenario makes me want to explode. But how do I get help when I'm scared of it? When I'm embarassed and ashamed because other people have way worse problems? Idk what to do anymore

Ive been working with my therapist for almost 4 years through a lot of traumatic events and losses. A couple months ago is was SA and a couple weeks ago i started drinking again. Things have been intense the last couple weeks and I know my T is worried about me, she doesn’t know I relapsed. I want to tell her but i dont want it to be another thing and I'll be too much. Before this she has told me she's not leaving me and I'm not too much. My drinking is a safety issue to her so im worried about telling her. Im also worried she'll be upset i kept it from her. I've wanted to tell her but like i said things have been intense.

Wondering if anyone here could help me find a good therapist in Pennsylvania who offers telehealth services.

I have OCD, anxiety, and ADHD, and I strongly suspect I'm also on the autism spectrum, although I haven't been formally diagnosed.

I've probably been through a dozen therapists over the past 6–7 years without much success, and I'm honestly feeling pretty discouraged about finding someone who's a good fit.

My experience with providers like NOCD has been that many of the therapists are relatively early in their careers or don't have the depth of experience I'm looking for. I've also tried local in-network providers via insurance and ran into the same issue -- usually LCSWs who just don't seem to know what to do with me and I feel like I've wasted years of my life getting nowhere in therapy.

At this point, I think I'd benefit from working with someone who has extensive clinical experience, ideally a psychologist with a doctorate or a highly experienced master's-level clinician who really understands the complexities and overlap of these conditions.

The frustrating part is that searching for OCD specialists on sites like Psychology Today brings up countless therapists who list OCD as something they treat but don't necessarily have any specialized training or meaningful experience with it. It's become really difficult to distinguish between someone who genuinely specializes in these conditions and someone who simply includes them on a long list of issues they treat.

If anyone has personal recommendations or would be willing to help me identify some good options in PA, I'd really appreciate it. I'm at a point where I genuinely don't know what to look for anymore. And I've come to accept that good therapists will probably be independent and not take insurance so that part is what it is. I'd love to stay with in-network options but after years of utilizing insurance I think I just have to accept that any really good and experienced clinicians are going to be expensive and I just have to bite the cost of it if I want to see progress.

context:

i’ve been in therapy for around 6 months and im genuinely confused about what to do.

i have anxiety in general, but it gets WAY worse during sessions. sometimes i get so overwhelmed that i can’t process what my therapist is saying. i also dissociate/get blank and forget some things that i learn in therapy.

theres also been confusion regarding diagnoses. she first told me i had cptsd, then said i didnt, and after some back-and-forth, we’re apparently back to cptsd. she’s mentioned other possible diagnoses but won’t tell me because im an overthinker. and this is why she did what she did about the cptsd thing, i find it unfair tho. i understand her reasoning, but the inconsistency makes it difficult for me to fully trust her.

she recently told me she cant continue sessions unless i start medication. im not completely against meds, but im scared of the side effects and idk if thats actually what i need.

we’re doing psychoanalysis i think. but idk if my anxiety is preventing me from benefiting from therapy (altho some sessions are fun and i learn things), if her approach isn’t suitable for me, or if we’re just not a good fit.

the irony is that we’ve discussed how i’ve lost the ability to make decisions for myself and struggle to trust my own judgment. now i have to make a decision about therapy itself, and i cant even trust myself to know what the right choice is 🗿.

so my options are basically to start meds and continue with her, or find a new therapist and try therapy without meds.

has anyone been in a similar situation? how did you decide whether you needed medication or a different therapist? i’d really appreciate some outside perspectives because i genuinely don’t know what to do.

Hello, I am a 22 year old, looking for advice with what to do in regards to feeling that me and my therapist are going down the path of misdiagnosis without overstepping as the patient?

I'll say first I am not a professional, my therapist is licensed, she is kind, patient, and is pretty up to date on new studies/information about her jobs topics. Although she specializes in anxiety, and grief she still is able to assist with my dysregulated mess of a self lol. She is great though.

My older sister has BPD. mother had ADHD and I highly suspect BPD as well (9/9 criteria), and father also rumored to of had Bipolar/BPD/ADHD/Depression, who knows. Anyways For many reasons that I wont list here, I have always felt I had a high chance of having BPD and OCD. My family ironically shamed me getting help with anything mental health so I didn't get to see a therapist until now.

Anyways, first few weeks I was tasked by therapist to record my mood (date/time/emotion/why) to bring back to each session for her to view. We quickly notice I have some rapid mood changes. She notes, we move on, months later, I'm curious about diagnosis, so she lays out what she thinks her diagnosis is leaning towards. She tells me C-PTSD. This took me back a bit, but with explanation explained a lot. I was a bit curious though so I did ask about her other potential focus.

She also tells me that she was leaning towards BPD because of my noted mood changes in the beginning, but said "I usually don't see BPD patients so self aware with their emotions. Like you were able to describe your emotions in your notes very well"

I know being diagnosed with whatever wont change anything, but it feels very important to me to have as proper of a diag as I can so I can better understand the steps I need to take in order to help with my mental wellbeing. Maybe I just need patience but this is my first therapist so I'm unsure of what to expect with certain things. SO, be patient?? ask questions? IDK

any advice appreciated, I love my therapist I'm just questioning how valid the statement was and if we aren't on the same foot because of this

Hello I'm a 40M with ADHD and CPTSD, and I've been in therapy for about 3-4 months or so. We've been making progress, but I've been feeling uneasy the last 3 or so sessions.

I'm noticing that I'm getting to a point where, as sad as it is to admit, I'm more open with her now than I ever have been with anyone in my life. It's like I'm going into uncharted emotional territory or something like that. I have been catching myself feeling ways I have never felt at any point in my life.

She knows more about me than any of my old friends, my late parents, or even my wife. Because of that, I'm starting to really overanalyze my interactions during sessions, sometimes obsessively, and I notice that I just start trying to change the subject, almost always back to past stuff we've already talked about.

It's feeling like I'm clinging to my past issues now because it's familiar, I'm afraid what's on the other side of that work, or that I'm afraid of something changing in therapy.

On a past deleted post when I first tried asking about this, the first comment was pretty abrasive and the commenter recommended I stop going to therapy or risk being dropped as a client because of "self editing" and they said it could be grounds for terminating treatment. They said that I was sabotaging my treatment and had poisoned all the progress made. It disturbed me a great deal so I took down the post. I'm hoping this one is more concise with clearer information on what's going on.

So with all that context, how can I feel safe while going into the emotional unknown, admitting to my therapist the strength of my connection to her, and that I'm struggling to let go of trauma, all without the risk of being terminated as a patient?

hi! i’m so sorry to bother! thank you all so much for what you do. you’re all so kind! thank you forever!

im 21F. i’m so sorry. i’m so beyond ashamed of everything im gonna say. i feel so guilty and embarrassed. but i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m so scared and sad.

i have seeked psychological support multiple times. i have always been told that my symptoms are too severe and i need to go to a different therapist/clinic, so i did. again and again. eventually i was told to go to a CSA trauma center that specifically focuses on that type of trauma. so i did but i was told again my issues were too severe and i need to seek different higher help. i was with them for months and was super duper vulnerable. after that i just gave up. it’s been over a year. i just can’t keep confessing and having people see me at my worst and getting so attached only to be left again and again and again. i just cry lots and lots and lots. it hurts.

i’ve been diagnosed PTSD with acuity level 4. im sorry. i’m so truly embarrassed and ashamed and guilty of my issues. i hate me. i hate being this way. but i wanna get the best answers i can im so truly sorry. the things i deal with are:

- very intense flashbacks and panic attacks, where i can’t move or talk and sometimes i hit myself (im so sorry)

- regressive/dissociative episodes that are impairing and embarrassing and intense (i act way younger than i am and im not even me or i am me but its like im away and i feel so small and so scared and i act so weird and little and im so sorry i hate it i dont want it i dont!!! ive been in very dangerous situations go with random people in car and go dangerous places and not understand cross walk cause i dont know whats going on im so beyond sorry)

- severe fear of my cycle and cannot function when it happens (just stay in bed crying for days and days)

- severe fear of undressing, struggle to change clothes, shower, use restroom

- need stuffed animal with me always or have big breakdown

- fear of men and of anything intimate especially male private area will cry and throw up and scream, scared to leave house

- so so so shameful i’m sorry but if wipe certain way ill throw up and melt down im so sorry

- struggle severely with hygiene, super bad yucky room, super bad yucky clothes, struggle severe with brushing hair and teeth, very embarrassingly struggle with number one accidents but get scared to change pants and kinda feel safer in wet yucky bed and clothes (i’m so beyond sorry im so sorry)

- when overwhelmed struggle to speak and have to write things down (almost all therapy sessions are like this im sorry but happens in life too)

- hides a lot and cries a lot

- avoid restroom and have used a blanket to go potty and hid it also used cups and kept them in room (please don’t hate me im sorry i hate me i know its evil and rotten and sick i am so so so so so beyond sorry so beyond sorry im sorry!!!!!)

- struggle with giving self owies or eat too much or make throw up im so sorry im so shame

im so sorry this is so much. im so sorry it’s all so awful. i’m so sorry im so disgusting and messed up and bad. i hate it!!!!!! i dont wanna be!!!! and i tried to get help again and again and again i did i really did!!! but they always told me they couldn’t help. i dont know what to do. i’m so sad and scared. i’m not any better but im too scared and sad to go back to therapy again. it’s been over a year. i don’t know what to do. i just cry lots. i’m so sad and overwhelmed. i can’t function everything is so scary. i’m so so so so sorry. i’m genuinely so ashamed and feel so embarrassed and guilty. no one deserves to deal with any of this i’m so sorry im so awful and yucky and selfish i don’t wanna be!!!! i wanna be better!!!! but i dont know how. i dont know what to do. i’m so sorry.

why am i told to seek higher help all the time? can i be helped? what can i do? is there something specific i should do? i’m so sorry im just so lost and sad and scared and so beyond ashamed and embarrassed im so sorry im so so so so sorry. please know i hate being me i hate being so scared all the time i hate it. i hate that im like this and i wanna be better i just dont know what to do anymore. i’m so sorry. forever and ever with all my heart. thank you all so much !!! i hope you have a wonderful day i send you all my love!!! 🧸🍪💗

It's been 1 year since my final session with my 6th therapist. Someone who has had a profound impact on my life. Someone I never stopped thinking about. Someone I still deeply love. She still haunts me. I miss her so fucking much.

She sent me this goodbye message a few days after our final session at 1:24am. What do you think about it? It was pretty sanitized in comparison to her usual intimate language, but it still touched me.

-----------------

Dear Client,

As we close this chapter of our work together, I want to offer you a few final reflections and resources to support your next steps. I’m sharing through the portal your treatment summary, a list of therapist referrals, and additional support options for trauma recovery and crisis care.

I want you to know that I’ve held our work with care and respect. You have a way of turning emotion into something expressive and real. Your insight, creativity, and presence have made this work both memorable and meaningful. I know you carry a heaviness, but you also carry a light that feels unmistakable to the people in your orbit.

I’ll always remember the Diet Mountain Dew ninja you made when I earned my black belt. It was thoughtful, imaginative, and funny, and it meant a lot to me. That gesture captured your humor, creativity, and the way you show care with originality. Thank you also for sharing your art with me. The emotion in your work is ever present, and it stays with me. I’ve often been struck by how much feeling you convey through color, light, and form. It has been an honor to witness that part of you.

This ending reflects my limits, not yours. While I’ve valued our work deeply, I’ve reached a point where I can no longer hold the therapeutic frame with the consistency and clarity you deserve. That decision comes from a place of integrity, not from anything lacking in you.

I hope for you a kind of healing that feels deep and unquestionable. I hope you continue learning how to love yourself and truly believe that you are worthy of love from others. I will miss knowing you and I will wonder how life is unfolding for you, not as your therapist but as someone who witnessed your courage. As Buffy once said, “The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.” You’ve done that with courage. Please. Always. Keep. Going.

Therapist

I’ve been to therapy myself, and I’ve been wondering what made other people decide to stop.
What made you start therapy in the first place?
What were you hoping would change?
And what eventually made you decide, “I’m done”?
I’m especially curious whether other people stopped for reasons similar to mine.
Was there a specific moment, experience, or feeling that made you not want to go back?

I finally bared my soul to my therapist and told her my deepest, most shameful secret that I haven't told anyone. She reacted really well and I was happy her face didn't do anything weird because lord knows mine would have. (Maybe it's good I'm not a therapist.) She didn't run out of the room throwing up either, so that's another plus.

However, afterwards I dissociated HARD... for hours. And that's not something I notice happening much.

Anyway, then the next day I found out a family member got not so great medical news. Everything should be okay, but ever since then I've been "out of it" again.

Those were my days off, but now work is starting back up again and I'm concerned about being dissociated or out of it while driving and while at work, and my job requires being alert. Any thoughts? Please be kind. Thanks.

Okay, so I am preparing for some exams from last one year and and I am not able to make any progress.. I mean I did make some progress but it is not sufficient... and now most of the time I feel like I would rather be successful or dead... it's not like I am suicidal but I want that I die of some natural cause or God take away my life if he can't make me successful... I don't want to live as failure... and also sometimes I am feeling very sleepy and tired even after sleeping properly but no health problem

I want to give her something to say thankyou. I drafted this to paint for her before Christmas as I’m going away.

1. would she accept it?

2. for clients and Ts what have you given / received ? and Ts have you kept it or thrown it away?

I was with my aunt because we went to the church after the church we wanted to go to the mall the mall was very close to the church when we were walking to the mall we saw a little girl crying her clothes were scattered on the streets it was inside the plastic bags I think she got kicked out of her home or she ran away but when I saw her I felt bad for her I had no money that time I didn't bring my wallet with me I wanted to buy her some food and water but I had no money with me I couldn't ask my aunt because she will scold me so I left now I feel bad for her. :(((

Poor girl

Hi all, there have been very few instances where I have been mad at my therapist but he is often good at not arguing with me and just ending it at the disagreement. In today’s session, I left incredibly mad at him and I don’t want to talk to him or see him ever again (I’m mad) but mainly the emotions that I am feeling are him not hearing me or understanding me at all and forcing me to empathize and see the other side without any validation so it is super frustrating. I appreciate him being the devil’s advocate but this time it felt pushy or came at a time when I was not super open to it. What can I do to make myself feel better and shake off this feeling? How do I address it with him? I am just thinking of canceling therapy altogether but it would be without any context. Thanks.

I’m aware therapy is hard. And I’m aware things usually get worse before they get better. But people don’t tell you what that actually means in hard, concrete terms.

I’ve been in therapy for seven months with the best therapist I’ve ever had, and this week, I quit/took a break because for a few months now, therapy has been contributing to my depression.

The sessions themselves activate me so much because the modality (ISTDP) is a very intensive form of therapy, and I am WIPED at the end of every session. And I ruminate on therapy all week long (replaying my sessions, thinking A LOT about my therapist, thinking about what I want to talk about in the nest session, trying to figure out how I am supposed to “do therapy“). And I just wore myself out so much that my body was starting to reject therapy. And I did tell my therapist a couple times that therapy stressed me out and deciding what to talk about in our next session was stressful for me. And she responded with curiosity and compassion, but she didn’t give me anything concrete—nothing to actually make the situation change.

So after taking a chance and trying to communicate this to my therapist and nothing changing, and after SEVEN months of running my nervous system ragged on therapy – I just couldn’t keep doing it anymore. So I stopped.

Did I stop too soon? Is the hard part of therapy supposed to last for months on end? I just don’t understand how to “do therapy.”

(And I’ve tried CBT, and I’ve explored with a therapist the idea of trying IFS or brainspotting….. and I’m not interested in those modalities. I’m not interested in switching to CBT so I can have a “lighter/easier “therapy session. And I’m not interested in trying somatic therapy at this time.)

Using a throwaway because I feel embarrassed and completely overwhelmed right now. Honestly, it feels like going through the worst breakup of my life, except it’s with my therapist.

I’ve never had this happen before. Normally, therapy is just an appointment for me. But with this therapist, things have gotten messy and way too informal over the last 14ish months. They’re neurodivergent and into all the exact same nerdy stuff I am. Slowly, sessions stopped feeling like therapy and started feeling like hanging out with a friend. They’d curl up under blankets, use my sensory items, talk about mutual hobbies, and tell a decent amount about their home life. I know these sound like such small things, but I/a part of me really latched onto it (context: I have OSDD)

Because I've spent my whole life feeling like an outsider, that warmth completely hooked me. It felt like I’d finally found my kind of person. But the reality has been an absolute mindfuck: 45 minutes of acting like best mates, and then the second time’s up, the door basically gets shut in my face to remind me I’m just paying for their time.

I know in my head that this is a mess and I have to walk away. But emotionally, I am in pieces. I keep bargaining with myself, wishing we could just be mates in real life, wondering if I can fix it, and feeling sick to my stomach that I’m the one who has to pull the plug on someone I care about this much.

I just feel so horribly alone. Has anyone else ever been through this kind of messy attachment with a therapist? How on earth do you let go when a part of you is screaming not to?

So I received a letter in the mail from my psychiatrist, saying that I am being discharged due to lack of communication and lack of attendance. This is very strange to me because I have made it to every single meeting. I also don’t owe a bill and we had our last appointment two months ago and I didn’t schedule anything for me to even miss in the first place.

A few months ago, I scheduled a in person appointment with her, but called about two weeks in advance to have it changed to virtual because I live an hour to an hour and 30 minutes away from the office now and knew a physical appointment would be too much after work. The day of the appointment I was on the virtual line for 20 minutes and she doesn’t show up but she then proceeds to give me a phone call and then immediately tries to scold me and say that I was supposed to show up in person and I told her no it’s a virtual meeting. After she looked, she said oh you’re right and then told me she could not finish our appointment that she literally just called and tried to scold me for missing (I was there early for the virtual appointment and waited). She then tells me that she’s going to schedule something and we selected a date and time. As we got closer to date and time I started thinking about how I’m not getting any text reminders or email reminders, but I didn’t think much of it because I have a busy life and was like oh no worries she definitely scheduled it. About a day or two before the appointment. I give them a call because I just started getting a little bit suspicious and they told me there was nothing on the calendar. I then had to schedule with the front desk people and had to push the appointment further out because she had been booked up and I waited forever for this said meeting she scheduled.

We finally have the appointment and everything went well, two months have passed since that meeting and I didn’t schedule anything after that because life has just been hectic and busy. I just got home and I got a letter in the mail saying that I’m being discharged due to lack of communication and lack of attendance. I truly don’t understand why this happened.