As-salamu alaykum everyone,
I (33M) am in urgent need of advice on how to navigate a heavy family dilemma.
I met my wife (36F) during Hajj this year. We connected deeply over our shared values and religious outlook, and roughly three months later, we had our religious Nikah/Fatiha (we plan to finalize the official civil paperwork soon).
Alhamdulillah, my wife is wonderful—she is modest, practicing, patient, and we get along exceptionally well.
The issue lies with my mother. In the beginning, she was completely on board. However, around 2–3 weeks before the wedding, things went downhill fast:
The root of the issue: In hindsight, I made genuine mistakes in how I managed family involvement. I set the dates for the Khitbah and Fatiha directly with my wife before consulting my mother. I also bought the wedding gifts myself without asking for her input or taking her shopping, and I waited until the formal Khitbah to introduce them.
The reaction: My mother felt completely sidelined and displaced. She took this out on my wife, concluding that my wife must be "manipulating" me and that I "deserve better."
The escalation: Two days before the ceremony, my mother tried to call the whole wedding off. My brothers and I had to beg her to let it go through.
Now, just two weeks into our marriage, my mother refuses to answer my wife's calls. She is actively pressuring me to divorce her. Her main arguments are that we "didn't investigate her background/past enough" and that because her maternal heart isn't at peace, there is "no Barakah" in our marriage.
Right now, my strategy has been de-escalation: I don't argue with my mother; I just listen quietly and try to remain respectful. But the pressure is relentless. My wife has done nothing wrong, and divorcing an innocent, upright woman over my mother’s hurt feelings feels completely unjust.
I’d appreciate perspective from anyone who has been through this:
Is it true that a marriage lacks Barakah if a parent is unhappy due to feeling left out of the logistics?
How do I protect my wife's dignity and emotional well-being without cutting off or disrespecting my mother?
What is the best way to help my mother heal from feeling excluded so she can stop projecting her resentment onto my wife?
JazakAllah khayr for your time and thoughts.

Asalmualikum.

Hope everyone is well.

Recently I've been reflecting on something that I experienced at a marriage event. I know it shouldn't get to me but it's making me think.

This is for the UK crowd. I'm someone who's only got A-levels and immediately went into mechanics. I had a lot of issues with my parents because I got into uni but chose not to go. Alhamdulillah I did really well in my grades. I've always been into cars and still am to this date.

So last week I went to the marriage event. I'm 28 and I want to get married now. We're going around and having small talk. Just to get to know eachother. I met this sister and we started talking. Everything was going well until it got to the education bit.

I told her I've done my A-levels and went into mechanics. Her look completely changed and she was really disappointed with me. She told me we can't work out because I don't have much knowledge. I feel like I got judged quite badly. She went on this tangent and told me she earns around 50k as an accountant.

This is where I'm ashamed of myself. I should have just left it. I should have just walked away but instead I said "Is that it. I make that in one quarter." I made it worse. I know higher education is important but it's something I don't have. For myself I can go to my garage and work there for 14 hours a day and I will never get boared of it. It's a hobby where I make money off it.

insha'Allah I'll find someone one day.

What do you guys think?

I am getting married next month and i have all these thoughts in head that how i'll treat my wife and make my home comfortable for her and dont want her to feel stranger at new hope. I was thinking that as much as these thoughts so nice and wholesome like slow love and genuine care, i heard and saw in my extended circle where people treated their wives with lot of care at start and after honeymoon phase their wives got this weird attitude and stopped putting effort towards their husbands and ended up in weird push pull scenario

My question is to guys is that how you married people navigated through honeymoon and post honeymoon phase ?

Assalamu alaikum everyone,

I’m 20M, currently studying at university and working part-time at a gas station.

There’s a girl who comes into the store, and I find her really cute. I’d genuinely like to get to know her.

So far, our interactions have been completely normal customer interactions. Just greeting each other, paying, and saying goodbye. No real conversations or obvious signs of interest.

The thing holding me back is that I’m working there. She might live nearby and come to the store regularly, and the last thing I want is to make her uncomfortable or put her in an awkward position where she might feel like avoiding the store if she’s not interested.

I’m also trying to approach this from an Islamic perspective. I don’t want to flirt unnecessarily or pursue anything inappropriate. If I were to get to know someone, I’d want to do so respectfully and with good intentions.

I’ve considered simply starting with some casual small talk whenever she comes in, rather than immediately asking for her number or making my interest obvious. That way, we could potentially get to know each other a little more naturally, without any pressure.

However, I’m not sure whether that’s the right approach Islamically, or whether being more direct about my intentions would actually be better.

So I wanted to ask:

1. ⁠How would you approach this situation as a Muslim?
   
2. ⁠Is there a respectful and halal way to initiate contact in this kind of setting?
   
3. ⁠Would you recommend starting with normal conversation, or being upfront about my interest?
   
4. ⁠Especially to the sisters: Would you feel uncomfortable if a cashier respectfully approached you with genuine intentions?

I genuinely don’t want to make her uncomfortable or cross any boundaries. At the same time, I don’t want to completely dismiss the possibility of getting to know someone just because we happened to meet in this setting.

JazakAllahu khairan for your advice!

I’m not sure whether to label this a rant or a vent. I simply feel the need to write about what I have been through and am still going through. It’s important to say that this does not come from a place of discontent or giving up. It is part of my spiritual journey, and I feel deeply grateful for everything Allah has granted me and my family.

A few years ago, my wife had a near-death experience that turned our lives upside down. Alhamdulillah, although it was unexpected and almost no one in our circles had experienced a similar hardship, Allah showered us with miracle after miracle. But life continues, and over time, my wife’s condition has steadily deteriorated, with the effects of long-term medication, surgery after surgery, and mobility issues. Meanwhile, the needs of our three children have continued to grow.

Initially, with Allah’s blessings, I was able to manage everything through family help, a paid nanny, cleaning services, meal preparation, transportation services, and the remote nature of my job. Alhamdulillah, those resources helped tremendously. Over time, however, I began to experience burnout. My physical and mental strength became depleted, and I needed longer periods to recharge before I could continue caring for my wife, our children, and other family members, including my mother.

The fact that I am still able to give is only by Allah’s will. But my body continues to age, and I cannot ignore my own needs. At some point, I realized that I also needed someone to care for me, someone with whom I could share affection, companionship, and support, helping me renew my energy so I could continue caring for my family.

As you may have guessed, I began thinking about having a second wife. That was a couple of years ago. But I live in North America. How would I even approach this? I didn’t know where to start or whether any woman would accept such an arrangement given today’s lifestyles and attitudes.

To my surprise, a whole new perspective opened up to me. I began reading islamic fiqh stance about it, relevant old and new testimonies, polygamy history, people’s experiences with polygyny and connecting with online groups interested in it. I even tried marriage and dating apps in the hope of finding someone suitable.

I learned the term “polygyny,” how it differs from polygamy and polyamory, and abbreviations such as ENM. I followed groups that approached plural marriage from different religious perspectives, including biblical perspectives and those rooted in my own religion, Islam. I also joined discussions in my native language, Arabic.

Even in many Muslim countries, polygyny is far from the norm. Some prohibit it or make it difficult to practice. To me, this can feel like closing doors to halal relationships while turning a blind eye to haram ones.

Almost all the women I contacted rejected the idea once they learned that I was married and seeking a second wife. A very small proportion, perhaps fewer than 2%, became open to considering it after we discussed my reasons, my intention for my wife to know, and my financial circumstances.

Among those who were open to it, I still couldn’t find someone with whom I felt both an emotional connection and physical attraction, or whose circumstances and commitments seemed compatible with mine. I hoped to find someone who could complement me and whose own responsibilities I could also respect and support alongside my existing commitments.

I focused mainly on widowed or divorced women. In some interactions, however, I felt that financial security mattered more than an emotional connection. I understand that financial stability is important, but I am seeking a relationship built on mutual affection and care.

I am not simply looking for someone to fulfill my physical needs in a halal way. I am looking for a wife with whom I can share love, companionship, and a meaningful relationship.

Reality television shows such as Sister Wives may have made plural marriage more visible, but I believe the Muslim community in North America needs to engage more openly with this subject. In my experience, there is still considerable stigma and resistance, including from religious individuals, mosque leaders, and Islamic figures.

I often feel that our muslim communities approach this issue apologetically. We react to changes in marriage laws and definitions, yet seem reluctant to advocate for arrangements that could offer consenting adults recognition and protection. Boston-area cities such as Somerville and Cambridge have recognized domestic partnerships involving more than two adults. Colorado also has local domestic partnership arrangements. These cohabitation agreement examples make me wonder why Muslim communities are not more proactive in exploring and advocating for legal protections that align with our religious values while safeguarding everyone’s rights and responsibilities.

I believe Muslims should be able to advocate confidently for families rooted in our religious values while taking everyone’s rights and responsibilities seriously. We should not feel embarrassed by our faith or heritage simply because they do not always fit prevailing social expectations. Laws for marriage have changed on federal levels and accepted same sex marriage like 10 years ago, and muslim leaders still combat polygyny rather than feeling jealous and encouraging advocacy groups and legislators to adopt changes in laws to preserve families and Allah’s fitra which will benefit all society not just muslims. Isn’t that the Sunnah of pushing back which is favored by Quran?! Isn’t that the true application of Khaleefa which Adam was created for and sent to Earth?!

Having said all of that, I remain optimistic that I will find a second wife. Insha’Allah, I will also continue caring for my wife until my last breath.

Alhamdulillah for everything.

Salaam I’m a young 22 imam beginning to think about marriage in the next year or two. I wanted to know when I do begin to look for a wife, how would sisters react if they were to get a proposal from an imam? I’m completely new to this so I have absolutely no idea what thoughts sisters would have as soon as they see that they get a proposal from an imam. The obvious reason for me thinking about this is simply because I know majority of sisters don’t really encounter this and I don’t really hear any stories like this. I want sisters to comment and tell me their unfiltered thoughts, if you got a proposal from an imam, how would you feel? How would you react? If you saw that an imam was looking to get married, would you send a proposal?

How do I fix it

I did something last night. Me and my husband were arguing about something last night and I jokingly (I thought I was joking but now I realise it wasn't really a joke and I hurt him) called him a bastard. I m very very guilty about it. I asked him for forgiveness saying sorry again and again. I know I did cross a line and hurt him badly. It just came out of my mouth we weren't really fighting I was just giving him hard time playfully. He didn't say anything for a long time then said that from today we will talk less and less as we don't call eachother these words. I asked him to not to not do anything like this please. After a lot of saying sorry and telling him that it will not happen again he forgave me but said that it will take a while for me to fully forget that word. We slept peacefully hugging but the next morning when he w@s going for work he didn't wake me. He always woke me up before going to work and I liked it. By habit I woke up when he was leaving and I asked him that why didn't U woke me up he just said that I didn't want to wake U up. It hadn't happened before. Anytime I would be in deep sleep and wouldn't wake up he would playfully tease me that how much U sleep

And now he is at work and I msged him and he isn't talking to me like we used to

What do I do?

I know I crossed a line and I m very very guilty about it

I need outside perspective on whether I am losing my mind, or if walking away from this marriage is the only rational choice left.

1. The Background & Incompatibility

I am 27, living and working in the UAE with financial stability. My wife and I had a short marriage that lasted roughly 200 days total. Right from the start, it became clear that mutual attraction and emotional foundation were completely missing on both sides. We were fundamentally incompatible, but because it was an arranged setup, we tried to make it work.

However, over those 200 days, we had about 15 major arguments. Looking back, these weren't deep moral issues—they were everyday friction points blown out of proportion. For instance:

I asked her to cook with a specific oil (coconut oil) because of health preferences, but her mother told her not to, so she refused for weeks despite me asking 3-4 times.

I asked her to do laundry. She let it sit for 4 weeks. When I needed a specific jacket for work and it was still undone, I got frustrated.

Whenever we argued, a rigid pattern emerged: she never apologized or took accountability for a single thing. In her eyes, her mistakes were always because "I made her do them," and my mistakes were entirely my fault. If I got upset, she would cry all night, refuse to eat until I apologized more, promised never to get angry again, and then ultimately did things her way anyway. If I stood my ground on logic, she would immediately call her parents, who stepped in as commanding authoritarians rather than mediators.

1. The Breaking Point

The breaking point happened during Ramadan. We argued from Fajr until Maghrib. I was fasting, and she was pregnant. She got so frustrated that she tore up all the tissues in the box and wanted to call her parents again. Since we had already dragged them into a fight earlier that week, I tried to stop her from calling them by taking the phone.

In a moment of intense frustration, I controlled myself and tapped the phone on the ground, and it broke. She completely snapped, claiming that I was going to hit her next, and ran out of the house without a hijab. She swore seven times that she was divorcing me and leaving forever. On the seventh time, I stated that I would need the child, and she swore she would give him to me. She threw her Mahr cheque at me and left.

1. The Aftermath and Family Slander

Things escalated rapidly after she left. When my family visited her home in India to try and talk things out, her father only pointed fingers at my mistakes while my family remained patient. Her mother told my own mother that instead of the tissues, her daughter "should have broken my jaw." My wife didn't even come out to greet us.

Days later, her family went to common relatives and spread severe lies about us—claiming I was a horrible guy, a liar, and that my father abused my mom (which never happened). Relatives who knew us dismissed the lies, but the damage to our dignity was done. Soon after, she demanded all her gold back down to the smallest ring, claiming she needed it for an event, and we returned every single piece.

1. The Birth of the Child & The Ambush

Recently, she gave birth to a baby boy. They didn't notify me directly; instead, they made a cold, distant phone call to my dad to announce it.

Deciding to take the high road and fulfill my duty as a father to see my newborn, my parents and I went to visit. What followed was a planned ambush:

We were let inside, and her father refused to speak.

Her mother immediately attacked my upbringing because I didn't say Salam to her the exact way she wanted. When I pushed back, the atmosphere turned toxic.

The father-in-law suddenly charged at me, screaming profanities and insults ("Kya hai re tu... aqlaaq nahi hai tere mein"), acting aggressively as if he was going to physically hit me. I matched his energy, which stunned him.

My dad restrained him and yelled at us to get out. As we headed to the lift, the father-in-law tried to trap us and shouted that he was calling his people to "settle it right there."

When we reached the ground floor, 2-3 guys were waiting outside, acting aggressively and shouting threats.

The moment I pulled out my phone to video record them, they instantly backed down. When my uncle stepped out of the car, the father-in-law bolted back into the lift and ran upstairs. We drove away safely.

1. Where I Stand Now

I am done. The physical intimidation, the lies spread to relatives, the complete lack of accountability, and the absolute hostility of her family have made it clear that staying in or returning to this marriage is impossible.

My parents are meeting lawyers in India to file for divorce and establish strict legal guardrails regarding custody, passport blocks, and automated court-managed child maintenance (Nafaqah). I want to be a responsible father to my son financially and legally, but I will never let myself or my family walk into that toxic environment again

We both go to a muslim high school thats very strict as its a religious school. We like each other a lot and i figured it from her actions and asking others about it. We aren't in a relationship as dating is haram, i try to avoid physical contact but she doesn't, she doesnt have physical contact with other guys and I try to avoid contact with other girls. But I dont think shes the one as she doesnt wear a hijab and shes very possessive of me, she gets super jelaous and mad when other girls talk to me and even tho I reject them she still gets extremly mad, I dont think shes the one as shes super jelaous and sometimes even rude after I do nothing wrong, should I try to move on?

before you all judge me, yes I got emotionally connected and I know it’s not right but I really loved him. I (F22) fought for 2 years to get engaged to my fiance (M23). I fought my family and I did what I could. However, he kept feeling that he was being disrespected by my family. The full story is very long but at some point my parents felt disrespected and stopped answering his parents phone calls. There was a massive argument about the mehr and my family got angry at him and words were thrown around. I was caught in a fire between my parents and him and everyone around me. My dad said he wanted to end things so I went to my fiance and I told him that (that was a mistake on my end) and me and my fiance broke it off right then and there. We both cried a lot and said we wanted to keep fighting and then we eventually moved to an agreement to end it. However, today I realized I don’t actually want to end it. I realized that we can fight this and I really wanted to because he’s so good to me in a lot of ways. I spoke with my friend who’s married and a therapist and she spoke to me for 3 hours with very powerful advice. I was feeling motivated to work on things. I told him let’s keep fighting but he said he gives up. That him and his family feel too disrespected and there’s no reason to keep going. Two years. Two years of my life. I did everything I could and I feel like I didn’t advocate for him enough. But I really did try my best. I tried so hard and I’m so heartbroken. I also lost his sisters as my best friends and two other best friends that I had through them all and I’m afraid my entire social life is about to collapse. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to therapy to learn about setting boundaries with my family and rebuilding my confidence and coping skills. I’m not eating, I’m not sleeping, I’m calling out of work and I’m ashamed of myself. I’m filled with guilt and fear. Everyone is leaving me. Idk what to do.

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

I’m a Muslim revert from the west and I have been a Muslim for 3 years Alhamdulillah and I married for the first time my now ex wife back on January . We met online , got engaged then I flew in to her country to do the Nikkah and we spent 7 months married .

I moved in countries for her (different country in the EU) and we did everything together sleeping together , cooking , praying , going out for 7 months which was very soon as we couldn’t be separate and I had to move in countries to be with her and found a job where she lives as well.

Everything was going well but then it started to get very toxic , daily fights , verbal abuse even physical abuse from both parts me and her during arguments (hitting each other during arguments) we even involved families as the fights kept escalating till long story short I divorced her three times she then did Khula then I divorced again it was very weird because there were like 5 divorces or so because one talaq didn’t count as it was said in anger etc … when the divorce happened we couldn’t stop crying , trying to fix it but her father got involved and kicked me out of his house and that was the last time I seen her , I came back to my country and now it feels like im back in square one .

These past months have been the hardest months of my life . I planned a whole life with her and now everything is shattered and I find myself having no direction . I’m trying to marry again but I don’t find myself compatible with anyone as I was with my wife in the beginning and I’m having a lot of anxiety that this is the end for me and I will never marry again ( especially as a convert without much contacts ) and it’s eating me a live .

My faith has also been weakened because I’m like whats the point on anything , I thought she was my naseeb , she even went to Mecca for me to ask for signs I was the one for her before marrying and now all of this? She got all the signs first thing she told me was to marry her after she came back from Umrah .

Does anyone have any tips on how to fight these feelings and how to heal faster ?

Salam alaykum, how does one deal with questions like why would they pick me? Especially if they are better looking, and the process is sharia compliant so there are no feelings involved to cloud their judgement

Assalam alaikum.

So I recently met someone and we've been talking for a few days. We met on an anon chat site and were under an Islam tag.

The initial discussion was just casual and we did discuss what we see in seeking marriage.

Now on the second day we revealed our ages as we had not done so right from the get go since the conversation just took off.

I'm 25 and shes 18. It didn't bother me at first since I thought it would die in a day or two as those things usually do. Were still talking and still mainly focusing on the topic of marriage. And she has expressed some interest based on our conversations so far.

What are people's opinions on the matter given that she's still quite young (yes I'm aware she's an adult). Am I just overthinking it?

Has anyone had a similar situation and how did things work out if they did at all?

(22yo male for context)

I really want to get married but I have so many mental blocks and tbh I feel like many are just excuses. knowing my family and friends I do t think anyone knows anyone that I would get along enough with, in my country there arent any matchmaking events or mosque activities or stuff (its a muslim country anyway so its not like there is a "need" for that), my body freezes at the \\\*idea\\\* of approaching a girl irl and I dont see myself using online platforms (I dont even know how I can tell my parents I met my wife in a matchmaking platform (no judgement towards people using them I know there have been beautiful encounters in them its just a me thing)). but now Im stuck waiting for a woman to descend from the sky with marriage papers. anyone has any advice?

السلام عليكم،
مع التغيرات الاجتماعية وسهولة التواصل، أصبح موضوع "طريقة التعارف" محل نقاش دائم بين الشباب والفتيات:

الطرف الأول يفضل الزواج التقليدي؛ يرى أنه أكثر وضوحاً وجدية من البداية، ويضمن توافق العائلات، وأن المشاعر تتشكل بشكل طبيعي ومستقر بعد الارتباط الرسمي داخل إطار واضح.

الطرف الثاني يرى أن الزواج عن معرفة سابقة (بيئة عمل، دراسة، دوائر مشتركة) يتيح فهم أعمق للشخصية والتفكير وأسلوب الحياة اليومي قبل الدخول في الالتزامات الرسمية، ويقلل من المفاجآت بعد الزواج.

برأيكم، في وقتنا الحالي:

1- هل ما زالت طريقة التعارف تلعب دوراً حاسماً في استقرار الزواج ونجاحه؟ أم أن النضج والتوافق الفردي هو الأساس بغض النظر عن كيف بدأت العلاقة؟

2- ما هي التحديات أو السلبيات التي ترونها في كل خيار؟

I was previously engaged to someone for a year and he broke if off suddenly over ‘concerns of compatibility’ 2 months before the wedding. Turns out he had a non muslim ex who he had a child with. I found this out after through someone else and I’m not sure if he knows that I know.
Anyway it’s been a few months and my mum is driving me insane. She’s saying I need to just get married and move out she’s fed up I’m too old to live at home.
She would probably disown me if I moved out single.

Now the issue is she hasn’t shown me anyone since, my parents were very set on us not dating when we were younger but has now said she can’t find anyone just go find someone myself.
The only other boy she has shown me wanted a girl with a hijab which I don’t wear, when I said to her that wasn’t going to work she decided she can’t be bothered finding anyone else for me (she thinks I ruined that first engagement and I could’ve just made it work…). She also said that the only reason I ended up engaged to a man like that is because I must be a bad person (would just like to point out that she pressured me into saying yes by convincing me that there would be no one better as he was a doctor)

Now onto me finding someone. Not to be big headed at all but I’m pretty (lots of men approach me and lots of girls/family tell me this too) and have a good education/job. So realistically I should be able to find someone. But it’s so hard like she wants me to just start speaking to someone who approaches me on the street?? I don’t want to do that and I’m not on social media (again she was very strict on me not posting my face online) so I also won’t find someone like that.

What does she want me to do. I don’t want to speak to lots of men and people that come up to me when I’m out as I just would find that wrong - I’ve literally been taught this my whole life up until now. I also just think how am I supposed to know who has good intentions.

What am I supposed to do.
I’m also incredibly stressed out because my relationship with my mum is awful right now and she said the reason I won’t be happy in life or successful is because she’s unhappy with me so Allah will be unhappy with me.

Assalamualaikum guys,

I'm 20M and getting married to my soon-to-be fiancée (18F), InshaAllah. Honestly, I fell for her from the moment I met her, and my attraction towards her has only grown since then. I really admire how close she is to her deen and how emotionally mature she is (even though she denies it 😂).

We've both decided to stop communicating until our Nikkah, which will hopefully be in November/December. So the only time we really see each other is when our families meet to discuss wedding arrangements or when we go shopping together. This usually happens around twice a month.

The thing is, I find myself thinking about her quite a lot. Not in an inappropriate way, but more so imagining our life together after marriage, the little things we'll do, what life will be like, etc. The closer the Nikkah gets, the slower time seems to go 😭. And seeing all these shaddi / marriage reels on my FYP definitely doesn't help either.

I've also noticed that I've been trying to improve myself since meeting her. I've become more consistent with my prayers at the mosque especially at Fajr which I am most proud about, become more disciplined and generally tried to improve myself as a Muslim. I've also been putting more effort into my appearance (although I think I am).

My question is, am I getting too emotionally attached or too attracted to her before the Nikkah? I find myself missing her after every time we meet, and I even feel a little sad when we have to say goodbye, like I'm smiling but feel sad inside 😭

I know it's probably normal to feel this way, but I just wanted to hear other people's perspectives, especially from those who've been through something similar.

Side note I have a feeling I'm going to be the more clingy one in the marriage, and probably the one who loves harder 😂. Is that unattractive for the man to be like that in the relationship?

TL;DR: I've been talking to a girl for two months with marriage in mind. She's good in deen and character, and we've developed an emotional connection. However, I don't feel physically attracted to her in person, and we disagree about where to live after marriage. I'm afraid of hurting her and losing someone good, but I also wonder whether I should look for someone more compatible. What should I do from an Islamic perspective?

Assalamu Alaikum everyone,

I'm a Muslim man in my mid-20s, and I'd appreciate some honest advice about my marriage situation.

I've been talking to a girl for two months. She's a good person, and we've developed an emotional connection.

However, I find her attractive on video calls but not when we meet in person, even though we've met three times. I've told her that I don't find her attractive, and I know this has hurt her.

There is another concern: she wants to settle permanently in Delhi, whereas I'm originally from Bihar and want the flexibility to move to Bihar or abroad for career opportunities. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to leave Delhi. My parents also prefer someone from Bihar.

I initially started talking to her when I was lonely, and now we're both emotionally invested. I'm afraid of losing her and not finding someone better, but I'm also worried about marrying someone I'm not sufficiently attracted to and whose future plans differ from mine.

My questions:

Is a lack of physical attraction a valid reason to end a marriage proposal?

Should I continue because she's good in deen and character and we've developed an emotional connection?

Is our disagreement about where to live a major incompatibility?

Am I risking a good relationship by believing I might find someone more compatible?

I'd appreciate honest advice, particularly from people who've faced similar situations and those who can offer an Islamic perspective.

Jazakum Allahu Khairan.

What are the traits that makes a woman a good wife?

So long story short I have very toxic mother and father and don’t like them however I’d like to get married but I’m only nearly 21 and working in construction recently and only make 21$hr but get raises frequently and a few years it will go to almost 40$hr. I’m explaining this because I need to have my own place if I’m gunna get married because there is no space in my current home and want privacy and actually start enjoying my time away from toxic people. And a very big major issue is that my mom never stops talking her and my father are loud mouths and can’t keep a secret and easy to minipulate information out of them if someone tried. I want to keep my marriage a complete secret on my side of the family and cousins because there is not a single person from my family or cousins I like they are all judgmental and disrespectful and don’t want them knowing anything I do with my life . I’m fine if we have a small wedding with her family but it would just be hers and not mine.and also do I just get married without my parents knowing when I’m ready? I don’t really care about my parents approval I’ll do it if it makes me happy and my wife doesn’t mind? If anyone has any advice on living situation and marriage and the secrets let me know please thank you.

I’m (24M) talking to (20F) and honestly we’re so compatible in everything, she’s beautiful, so submissive and obedient and we’re both genuinely in love with each other.

But she doesn’t wear hijab, just wears baggy clothes outside but said she will put on one after marriage (maybe before if I press her to do it).

I’ve tried to marry the hyper religious niqabi but I’ve had some really bad experiences with them so I wanted to try this out and since she was so interested in me, I decided to go in with an open mind.

I feel very bad because people might see me as a dayooth but I’m genuinely in love with this girl and want the best for her.

Has anyone had this situation before and gone through with it or is it just a bad idea?

She genuinely does listen to everything I say but I don’t want to be a dictator.

Any advice?

Which qualities make a good man, husband, father, and leader? How can we tell who we should avoid and who is of value?

Who you marry is one of the biggest decisions of your life, and Islam gives us clear guidance on it. Here's what to look for while searching for your naseeb.

1. Deen first

The Prophet ﷺ said: "A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. Choose the one who is religious, may your hands be rubbed with dust." (Bukhari & Muslim)

This applies to both men and women.

✅ Green flags: prays consistently, fears Allah in private, avoids major sins, pushes you to be a better Muslim.
❌ Red flags: careless with salah and fasting, uses Islam only when it suits them, history of haram relationships with no intention to change.

Nobody's perfect, but someone who loves Allah will keep trying.

2. Character

The Prophet ﷺ said: "The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best to their wives." (Tirmidhi)

Looks fade, character stays.

✅ Green flags: gentle even when upset, keeps their word, handles stress well, generous with their time.
❌ Red flags: rude or quick to anger, always badmouthing family or exes, never apologises.

3. Same direction in life

Talk before the nikah about religious expectations, careers and roles, where you'll live (and whether with in-laws), and kids.

✅ Green flags: your values and goals naturally line up.
❌ Red flags: you can't agree on the big things, they pressure you into delaying things, they brush off your concerns.

4. Attraction matters

The Prophet ﷺ said: "Look at her, for that is more likely to create love between you." (Tirmidhi)

✅ Green flags: you're attracted to them, you enjoy their company, you feel safe and valued.
❌ Red flags: you feel nothing but you're being pressured or they're being too pursuasive, they dismiss your feelings, you feel anxious around them.

5. Money and stability

A man has to be able to provide, even if his wife chooses to contribute.

✅ Green flags: stable income or a real plan, responsible with money, realistic expectations on both sides.
❌ Red flags: gambling or reckless debt, he expects his wife to pay for everything, she demands a lifestyle he can't afford.

6. Their family

The Prophet ﷺ said: "The best of you are those who are best to their families." (Ibn Majah)

✅ Green flags: healthy relationship with their parents, makes their own decisions, family has fair expectations of you.
❌ Red flags: controlling family, disrespect toward their parents, hiding things about their family.

Respect your in-laws, but boundaries are halal.

7. How they handle conflict

The Prophet ﷺ said: "The strong person is not the one who can overpower others in wrestling. The strong person is the one who controls themselves when angry." (Bukhari & Muslim)

✅ Green flags: disagrees without yelling, listens, willing to compromise.
❌ Red flags: shuts down, guilt trips you, uses anger, threats or silent treatment, never admits mistakes.

8. Absolute deal breakers

Excessive controlling behaviour before you have even established any serious grounds. A temper they can't control. Hiding a past marriage, addiction or debt. No deen. Selfishness. Flirting or haram relationships with others. Refusing to change. Showing signs of hypocricy by expecting you to change and become a better muslim while they themselves are drowning in worse sins and show no sign or attempts to change

In the end it comes down to barakah from Allah. Make du'a, pray istikhara and trust His plan.

The Prophet ﷺ said: "There is nothing like marriage for two who love one another." (Ibn Majah)

TLDR:
• Faith and character over looks and money (looks matter, just not as the foundation)
• Make sure your values and goals line up
• Take red flags seriously. Leaving a bad engagement is easier than leaving a bad marriage
• Pray istikhara and seek advice from family and people of knowledge
• You're not looking for perfect, you're looking for someone who'll grow with you

May Allah bless you all with a righteous, loving spouse who brings you closer to Him. Ameen.

Credits to another user who made this - I just shortened it for easy read