I (30) F have been married with (36) M for 3 years and we have 2 beautiful daughters, we are living in melbourne and family is back home. So we dont have any help or family around from both sides. My toddler is 2 and baby is 4 months old. My husband is helping around the house and with kids as well. When I was pregnant with my second I got terrible vericose veins, they were really bad so literally we couldnot have any intimacy and after baby's birth my mom stayed with us for 2 months but post partum has always been hard for me. Anyway we started navigating through this with two kids and intimacy has hit zero. Nearly for a year because of pregnancy and then post partum bleeding.when I finally got out of this, both of us get dead tired at the end. My husband has never complained to me much about it because he is exhausted too.we recently faved a very rough month in which all 4 of us got sick back to back and when my husband got sick I moved to other room with baby so that he can have rest and recover. Now I am planning to come back after 2 weeks but my husband first complained I should get back and then yesterday he was so tired he said on my days off I will be attending kids and I am fatigued so let me rest for 2x3 nights as our baby is going through sleep regression so she wakes up every 2 hours. I am failing to figure out how do we manage intimacy at this point?? I feel we are the only ones who are in this situation maybe?

P.S. Please guide especially people who are parents.i am scared of losing him Aand at times he says its just a matter of time then the baby would be a toddler and toddler will be older and everything will fall into place.

I’m 34F, talking to an amazing man with the intention of marriage.
He is 43 M, successful career, great personality, kind hearted. He has a 14 year old son and is divorced.
Now, I truly like him, his personality, and we seem very compatible despite an age difference.
He is very involved with raising his son, which I admire. However, I can’t help but wonder if I am putting up with dating someone with a child and someone that’s older because I’m insecure about not having my degree or a proper career yet. I’m working my butt off to finish up my bachelors and to also land a decent , respectable career (I work customer service presently).
Otherwise I know I’m a good looking girl, family- oriented, have my ambitions and projects, I am a practicing Muslim and come from a great supportive family.
I can’t help but think this is the best I can do because a man closer to my age , without a child would not want a girl who isn’t educated with a good job.

For the married folks here: looking back, what's one thing you wish you and your spouse had talked about before the nikah?

Money, where you'd live, kids, family boundaries, chores, something else? Sharing it could help a lot of people who are still in the talking stage right now.

Salam,

I got married just over a year ago. The actual marriage is great Alhamduillah. His family is an adjustment.

First of all, during first year of marriage me and my husband gained a lot of weight. I think because of eating out late and maybe stress from me. But I’ve probably gained 10kg and currently on a weight loss journey and have lost 3kg since. Same for my husband.

I hear digs about my weight from his family. His mum is nice but its like every conversation is about weight loss and about losing weight and it makes me feel so awkward and even more stressful. His mum recently lost so much weight and is probably slimmer than me now.

Then I hear it from his aunt. Like we were over and she just makes comments in front of everyone about me and I don’t know what to do but smile or laugh because if I don’t, I’ll cry. We offered some samosa’s and me and my husband both said no thanks but she insisted but we were firm. Then she said there’s no point in dieting, you’ve not changed. Then she kept insisting later and again I go no we can’t have it. Then she said, yeah you can’t but your husband can. Again made me feel awkward. I didn’t mean to speak for my husband but I know he wouldn’t have ate it. Then she said you need to stop working and have kids now. And she mentioned that women like her don’t exist nowadays. Because she’s the best and can do everything.

Another thing that I’m struggling with is how women are treated in this family. We are treated like second class citizens. All the men sit down and eat whilst the women are hurrying up and tidying and cleaning everything. Once all the men have ate and we’ve cleaned their food, then we can eat and are given scraps. Even during Ramadan, all his family come over every night and it’s the same treatment. I am not used to this at all because everyone would eat together in my family gatherings and also Ramadan was day to day just my immediate family and then only sometimes would we do my wider family Ramadan dinners. It now makes me dread ramadan so much.

I told my husband about how I find it weird about how women are treated and he said he understands but also he said that’s just how it is in his family so I can’t change anything.

I’m not sure what to do… I mean obviously I just have to bear with it but please make dua it gets easier for me and that I lose weight and become even skinnier than before.

Salams everyone,

I’m a Muslim convert in my 40s living in Australia, and I’m going through a very difficult time in my marriage. I’m hoping to hear from people who may have experienced something similar or have some advice to offer.

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and have children together. Unfortunately, my dishonesty, largely relating to finances, has caused her a great deal of hurt and damaged her trust in me. I take responsibility for that, and I deeply regret the pain I’ve caused my family.

Over recent months, I’ve been working hard to improve myself, make genuine changes and rebuild trust. We’ve seen a Sheikh three times, and he suggested a three-month separation period. We’ve been attempting this under the same roof, but after only one month, my wife is now seeking a divorce. We first saw the Sheikh and couple of years ago and then saw him recently twice over the last 6 mths. Just a few months ago we were actually going really well and then I had a relapse but since then I have honestly been better than ever and fully transparent and honest.

I understand that she has been hurt over a long period, and I know that change on my part doesn't automatically mean her feelings will return. However, I still love my wife, want to save our marriage and believe it may be worth seeking another qualified opinion or professional marriage counselling before making a final decision.

I’ve been trying to follow the advice given to me and make meaningful changes, but so far, I haven’t seen much improvement in our relationship. I know I cannot force her feelings or make this decision for her, but I want to be sure I’ve done everything reasonably possible to save our marriage.

My question is: Has anyone successfully rebuilt their marriage after trust was seriously damaged and one spouse had emotionally checked out? What genuinely helped, and is there anything you would recommend I do differently?

I would particularly appreciate advice from those who have been through something similar, as well as recommendations for reputable Muslim marriage counsellors or qualified scholars in Australia who could offer an impartial perspective.

I want to do what is best for my wife and our children, and I would be grateful for any sincere advice or personal experiences. Feel free to comment or DM me privately.

Jazakum Allahu khairan.

Salam,

i got married because my father gave me an ultimatum , either get married within a year ( i was 18) or go back with him and my family to our home country, despite the fact that i was studying and starting uni. I managed to convince him to stay for longer ( till i was 19) after many many fights and many months of silent treatment. this year he made it clear to me he’s going back home whether i am married or not, if i am, it needs to be to someone from our ethnicity and i need to be married within 6 months, if not, he’ll disown me and forbid my family from speaking to me. I am really family oriented and I basically raised the kids, especially the last few, and I was extremely attached to them.

feeling like there was no other choice, I finally gave in and chose someone from the guys they’d brought for me. I wish I hadn’t. I regret it so much. First reason being I was in love with someone else for close to 4 years ( we never ever even held hands because we barely saw each other up until uni, please do not assume any of that) and he felt the same but he just wasn’t financially ready to come forward, even if he did my parents would’ve never agreed as he wasn’t from the same ethnic background and he was still living with family. They would’ve disowned me and never spoken to me again. My husband now is cold, I have found out he has had quite a bad past ( i made him aware of the guy I spoke to before him, just not in that much detail, he told me he had never spoken to a girl) I found photos, very dirty messages exchanged between many girls, and an ex he seemed to have been obsessing over for a few years, but that was over 3 years ago. He was still messing about up until he asked for My hand ( arranged marriage), he’s 4 years older, I have always been very pure and only spoken to one person and with the intention of marriage, I just got cold feet. My husband now doesn’t really get me, and that just makes me sick and makes me wonder if it was really worth marrhing for the sake of family. Because now I Wouldn’t say I am miserable, but defo not happy. I find myself thinking of divorce quite often but I would be too scared because of family. But then again I’ve only been married For under a year, so idk if I am just confused.

honestly this was just more of a rant and to see if anyone’s been through the same thing.

Hi, many of yall read my last post about the whole description of how my marriage of 2 and a half years is being ruined with my wife disrespecting and speaking ill of my mother and family.

And as i posted it after a day we went back to normal and she was behaving normal but then again the next day she became the same and now with eventually being more aggresive with threats of leaving state and not willing to move "my house" (a house i would find or pay rent of) and i forgot to mention clearly that ww only started living about almost 1 and a half months now after 2 and a half years of marriage.

But to be honest even things have been better between us she now gets more oppurtunity to slander me. And look i dont want to present her as this evil person all the time. To be fair like i mentioned her life isnt all perfect as her core balance which comes from her family has heen away from her for over 3 years. But i never played a role in keeping her away from them if anything i am trying my best to reunite them through applying for her.

I mentioned that if she plans to move out of state then she would need to leave me because 1 i cant leave the city due to my job and a promising career just getting started although everything relies on Allahs plan but i need to hve a mindset of sticking through here. 2 if she moves she will be out of my supervision being her only guardian here and i would be lonely without a wife's care.

If that is what she wants why need to stay in marriage? Like i mentioned i want to continue until her papers are complete then serve her. Because i partly feel responsible of her losing her status. Should i let her pursue what she wants and then let her go? Because right now the phase of life i am in i need to be extra locked in and out of stress but she is making that really hard for me.

I decided to stay at my parents house for a night, and even though she stayed back there she made it a big issue with me privately. I am planning to move to my parents house soon while my mom will be visiting her home country for a while. And we will leave the current place that we are currently in. To move into a new place. Although she is on good terms with my father i do not tolerate her saying stuff about my mother.

I appreciate the comments last time and. I couldnt reply due to admin still reviewing the post.

But if you were in my position of continously being disrespected and mentally being taunted during small fights or issues what would you have done if divorce was a later option? I am trying my best to stay patient. She really tests my nerves though and gave me threats on calling the 🚨 and recently about leaving state. She used to agree on a divorce prior but now she is messing with me by saying i dont wanna leave you or divorce you but im not staying with you.

I just want to be at a right mental space to be honest and not think of her stuff at all. And is it bad to think of moving on or doing better while i am still married?

I’m not sure if I’m right to feel this way, and I’m not even sure I’ll be able to explain what I’m feeling properly. But I’ll try because I genuinely want to hear other people’s perspectives.
I feel a little lonely in my marriage. My husband is a really nice person, and my family loves him. For the most part, we have a good relationship. But whenever I’m upset or feeling low, he tends to ignore it. He doesn’t ask me what’s wrong or try to understand why I’m not feeling like myself. It almost feels like he deliberately chooses not to acknowledge that I’m struggling emotionally.
Tonight, I was feeling particularly low about myself. I was comparing myself to other women in my head, although I didn’t share all of that with him. We were lying in bed, and he could tell something was wrong, but he did what he always does: ignored it.
I wanted to talk to him because I was feeling emotionally overwhelmed, but I was struggling to put my feelings into words. Eventually, I managed to tell him that I wasn’t feeling good about myself. He just asked me ‘why’ and I was struggling to say anything and he accepted my not saying anything as an answer, he didn’t ask me further or try to understand what was making me feel that way. He didn't seem particularly concerned or curious about what I was going through. He just accepted it as the end of the conversation and closed his eyes.
I started crying and turned away from him. He turned away too and started using his phone.
Am I wrong for being upset about this? For wanting my husband to be curious about what's going on with me? To show some concern when I'm clearly not okay? To want him to take an interest in understanding what's hurting me, or even in addressing things that might be affecting our relationship?
It feels like he just waits for me to get over whatever I'm feeling and then goes back to acting normally, as though nothing ever happened. And I know he'll wake up tomorrow morning and be completely fine, acting as if everything is normal, while I'll still be left thinking about what happened tonight.
I don't expect him to fix every problem or always know what to say. I just wish he would make an effort to understand me instead of leaving me to deal with my emotions on my own, especially when I'm struggling to open up in the first place.

Salaam fellow married brothers and sisters,

So my wife and I have a young son (just over 1 year old), and we've been having more frequent fights over responsibilities.

About me:
I'm the only one working, so the mortgage, bills, food etc. I am paying. I sort out any admin around the house, including her visa application (she's foreign) and payments, budgeting etc. We each have a monthly allowance for any day-to-day things, and she also has access to my credit card whenever she needs.
I do my best to help with the chores around the house; when she cooks I wash the dishes, pots and containers etc (not every time but often). I'm taking the bins out, getting groceries.
I WFH so I'm also looking after our son whenever she needs me to. Sometimes he'd wake up middle of the night and I'd go to another room with him for a while (maybe 1 hour) so he'll settle down and allow my wife to sleep. If he's with us in the evenings we both take care of him while we're having our dinner and winding-down the day.
Given current financial instability I've also been working on starting a business and am close to launching the product. It's taken up much of my free time for almost 1 year but I've treated it as a 'second job'

About her:
She handles almost all aspects of our son. I trust her in the times he needs to sleep, what he should be eating, if he needs new clothes, medicine etc. She's usually the one taking care of him when he's crying at night. She changes him, makes his food, and spends the most time with him. I know it's a lot for her to do.
She also does the cooking (once every 2 days), cleans our bathroom weekly, and other household cleaning chores.

The issue is she feels I'm not helping with our son enough. She wants me to be more active in spending time with him so she can rest. She can become very frustrated if she's left with him for a while. I honestly try my best to help when I can. My mother lives close-by so I take him to her in the evenings most days for a few hours to allow both of us some rest. I've also always said she just needs to ask if she needs her time, and I can take him for a while. For example I go to the gym once a week (takes around 1.5 - 2hrs), and I've asked her many times to do something similar, but she's yet to do so.

The biggest issue in my eyes is I can't have a reasonable discussion with her about it. Every fight we have, it's her piling-on her issues and dismissing mine. It's like she wouldn't even acknowledge the work I have been doing, thinking only of her difficulties.
I'm quite a soft person and I don't mind this! I've thought of it as a positive, and I've always tried my best to be as gentle with my wife as possible. During marriage I've had the hadith in mind:

"The best of you is the one who is best to his wives, and I am the best of you to my wives."

This has been especially true since our son was born. She had a difficult pregnancy and postpartum. I've never even raised my voice against her the entirety of our marriage, always choosing my words carefully to not hurt her or be aggressive.

I'm starting to think I'm doing it wrong... maybe I'm too soft. I feel like she gets her way and I'm always the one looking for solutions and picking up the pieces. I don't mean I should be mean/aggressive, but more strict and demanding of her instead of my current 'do what you want' attitude.

A couple final things, she likes to sleep-in a lot! Often into the afternoon and sometimes even beyond... She had this habit even before our son was born but obviously it's more now because his sleep routine can be chaotic.

She also spends, what I feel to be, too much time scrolling on Instagram and tiktok. Why this bothers me is 1) it's a time-sink, and 'time' is really the core issue in our fights, 2) it's an open stream of negativity flowing into her; she's overloaded with the worlds problems with no way to fix them. We'd be having a normal conversation and suddenly she'd bring out a dark crime that's just happened half-way around the world... I know it's terrible but what am I supposed to do with this? How does this affect a person's brain after hours of scrolling through horrendous news...

A huge ramble and apologies for that! There's a lot here to unpack and I guess I'm not posting here to find the magic pill for fixing everything here. But maybe there's parts of this one of you resonates with or has experiences themselves?
Just want to add that of-course I love her deeply; when we're not fighting our relationship is really great.

Long and complicated story so brace yourselves. I've been married for about a decade now however since the first month I wanted a divorce. I've tried many times to leave but this man is possessive and refuses to let me go. I've had many opportunities where men came up to me asking for my number and such and if I'm married and I always tell them that I am because I do not believe in cheating, I still remain loyal despite the husband having an extremely wandering eye and a bad habit. Fast forward to this year and I desperately needed a job so I get hired on the spot for one. This is where the real story begins ...

My boss is the owner of the company I work at, it's a small llc with a handful of employees. The first interaction which was the interview went well. Something got my attention though. I notice he keeps eye contact with me. Now to those who will say eye contact is haram, I understand however I need you to see this from my point of view. All the men prior to him would gaze lustfully at me to the point where I considered wearing a niqab , even though I doubted myself and my own beauty, I realized it when it happened on multiple occasions that maybe I'm a fitna. This man however, kept his gaze respectfully only directly locked onto my eyes and never wandered anywhere else. I don't know the amount of resistance and self discipline that it takes for a man to be capable of that but it blew my heart away. Also his kindness and gentleness towards me throughout the times we work together has really caught my feelings for him. I see a contrast in the way he treats me and doesn't judge me, vs how my husband was cruel and violent towards me. For majority of the nights now I pray to Allah istikhara and tahajud that I get divorced and that he marries me instead ......but then I discovered he is an engaged man.....I mean how could he not be, he is perfect. I lower my gaze when I'm alone and around him, I avoid it completely because I'm fully capable of controlling myself and I know better than to give in to temptation and desire. I keep my distance respectfully as well, even if it looks like I'm avoiding him or being cold all of a sudden. I need to know what do I even do in this situation because he has completely consumed my thoughts to the point I dont eat or sleep anymore. I've become so delusional to the point where I start imagining a future together, even if i became his second wife I wouldn't even mind that. That is how much of a good person and character I see him, a real man with self respect and restraint and softness that elevates him above the rest. He was all I been looking for in a man all along. I do suspect him looking at me when I am not, because one time I looked back and I notice him look away from me so there have been a few subtle instances where it appears that he is also attracted to me as well but is trying to hide or ignore it. As far as my husband, I've tried and said it all, therapy included. If you have any genuine suggestions on how to handle this case, I would certainly appreciate it.

TL;DR Married woman to a husband not fit to be one, tried everything including divorce but nothing works, fell in love with someone taken at work and doesn't know what to do now, even though the feelings might be mutual.

Just sharing a few

1. Needs proper ID.

2. STD/HIV check, if yes, must understood before proceeding.

3. Single status certificate

4. Minimum age of 16 females, 18 males

5. Representative of the people getting married, if not court will appoint one.

6. Source of income

7. Proof of residence

8. Criminal check

9. Sickle cell blood thingy

10. Islamic marriage course.

I feel that it's super normal but somehow it's controversial as I travel around different countries.

Country; Malaysia

Assalaam Alaikum

They gave me full permission to go find my own husband.

However islamically it's not right yeah? But then people go to mixed jobs, talk a lot and have to do group projects. Spend hours in meetings. Be friendly. Speak softly. Work colleagues go to meetings a lot even go to restaurants to eat together. We have female and male police officers on motorbikes together doing their job. I mean to arrest females they need females right.

I wasn't raised the salafi way but my parents were conservative muslims and strict and hence I never had a boyfriend, but I went to a mixed school where majority were dating too. They shared their social media handles and were on snap streak. Sure I talked about video games with guys and shared my stationary with them. They were always cracking jokes and they were muslims so I ended up laughing too.

I still want to get married but talking to guys is still difficult for me especially in real life. And after reading religious things nowadays I'm kinda strict with men I suppose. Like I don't smile at them. So on first meeting what should I do? What am I supposed to talk about with the guy? Also should I faceTime him if he is from another country? Should I wear make up?

What should I do though?

PS: sad mods took down my previous post.

I’m 26, and lately I’ve been feeling so left behind. While everyone around me seems to be getting married and building their own families, I’m trying to pick myself up after a divorce. What hurts the most is I was so close to having the life I always dreamed of. I know 26 is still young, and I got married young, but I spent so much of my marriage fighting for my place as a wife instead of actually getting to enjoy being one. I was repeatedly betrayed, but I kept trying to make things work because I genuinely believed I was saving something that was supposed to last forever. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I became insecure, doubtful, and someone I barely recognised. And after everything I put myself through trying to save that marriage, I still ended up being left by the same person. Sometimes I feel stupid for trying so hard.

Now I go to work, do what I need to do and carry on as if my partner didn’t leave like it all meant nothing. Sometimes I take a few minutes to cry in toilet and get back to work like nothing happened. The hardest part is that I really thought I had done enough healing to never let myself get hurt like that again. I tried so hard to become better only to find myself back at the beginning. I know life isn’t a race and I know I still have time, but knowing that doesn’t stop me from grieving the life I thought I’d have by now. I feel so lost and I honestly don’t know how to start over. For those who have similar experience, How do you find yourself again?

Title: Is it too early to meet her father if we plan to marry after graduation?
I’m 20M and have known a girl a few years older than me for about a year. We’re both serious about each other and want to get married, insha’Allah.
She’s already met my mum and the rest of my family, including my sisters. Her mum and sisters also know about us. I’ve recently spoken to her dad over the phone, and he wants to meet me in person.
My family and I have agreed that marriage should wait until after I graduate, which I’m happy with. I want to focus on my education, career and self-improvement before taking that step.
Now that her dad wants to meet me, I’m wondering whether it’s too early, considering we’re not planning to get married just yet.
Part of me feels I should wait until I’m more established in life, but another part of me thinks meeting him is simply a reasonable step since we’re serious about marriage.

Would you go and meet him, or would you wait until closer to graduation? Am I overthinking this?

Assalamu alaykum everyone,
I’ve been getting to know a sister for about six months with marriage in mind. We share many religious values and life goals, and I’ve met her six times. She has many qualities I appreciate: good character, kindness, helpfulness, and a calm temperament. Although she can be stubborn, I feel she can also listen and reconsider her opinions.
However, I have several doubts.
Physical attraction: I don’t find her unattractive, but I’m not consistently strongly attracted to her either. Out of our six meetings, I found her genuinely beautiful around two or three times. I’m afraid of marrying her hoping attraction will grow, then becoming frustrated and hurting her. But am I being too demanding, or is fluctuating attraction normal?
Connection and compatibility: We have different hobbies, don’t always share the same humor, and I don’t really feel a natural connection in our conversations. She’s more sociable, while I prefer quiet time at home. We also have some differences regarding everyday life and modesty. Can these differences become complementary, or does a certain level of connection need to exist before marriage?
My dilemma: I don’t feel that sense of certainty or peace that makes me think, “She’s the one.” Yet I know six meetings may not be enough to truly know someone, and feelings can develop over time. I fear rejecting a woman with good qualities and regretting it, but I also fear marrying her, remaining dissatisfied, and eventually hurting her. After six months, I also feel guilty about potentially giving her false hope. However, I know guilt alone isn’t a reason to marry someone.
For those who are married or have experienced something similar:
Do feelings and certainty develop over time, or should you already feel a strong connection?
Can moderate but genuine physical attraction be enough? Is it normal for attraction to fluctuate?
Can humor, chemistry, and shared interests develop after marriage?
Can differences in personality and sociability work in the long term?
How do you distinguish normal doubts from genuine incompatibility?
Have you ever walked away from someone who ticked most of your boxes but something felt missing? Did you regret it?
I’m not looking for perfection or a fairytale romance. I value her religious commitment and character, but I want to make a wise decision and understand how much weight to give attraction, connection, compatibility, and reason.
I’d really appreciate honest experiences and advice.
BarakAllahu feekum.

TL;DR: I'm a Sunni Muslim man from India, who wanted to marry a Sunni Muslim woman from Kashmir. Our relationship came under family pressure in June after her sister-in-law discovered it. It is now October. She believes her conservative family will never accept her choice, says she cannot face the consequences of challenging them, and has repeatedly told me to move on. I initially gave her time, hoping things might improve, but our communication has dwindled to nothing. I want to understand the Islamic principles surrounding consent, the wali, and unjust obstruction of marriage, as well as what legitimate options exist when a woman genuinely wants to marry but fears family retaliation. I also need honest advice about respecting her decision and moving forward.

Assalamu alaikum.

I'm looking for sincere, informed advice from Muslims who understand Islamic marriage principles and, ideally, have experience with family opposition to marriage. I'm not looking for people to tell me simply to follow my heart, nor do I want to be encouraged to ignore someone's wishes in the name of fighting for love.

I want to understand what Islam actually teaches, what options may legitimately exist, and what I should do when the person I love no longer believes a future together is possible.

1. What happened

I'm an adult Sunni Muslim man from India. I fell in love with an adult Sunni Muslim woman from Kashmir. We were involved for a few months, discussed marriage, and developed strong feelings for each other. My intention was to marry her properly and build a life together, not maintain a secret relationship indefinitely.

In June, her sister-in-law discovered our relationship, and the family pressure that followed became increasingly difficult for her. It is now October, and the situation has not improved.

She has repeatedly told me that her family is extremely conservative and rigid and that there is nobody within the family who would reasonably support her choosing her own partner. She believes that approaching another relative to mediate would not help.

She has also witnessed a cousin being beaten and mistreated by family after a relationship came to light. The man involved was reportedly financially established and Kashmiri himself. This seems to have reinforced her belief that even a seemingly suitable partner may not protect a woman from family opposition.

She believes she cannot fight her family, does not have the emotional strength to endure the consequences, and cannot see a realistic way forward. She is not financially independent either.

I cannot know everything she feels, but I have tried to take her fears seriously rather than dismiss them as excuses.

2. Where things stand now

When this first happened in June, I tried giving her time. I hoped the immediate pressure might ease and that we might eventually be able to discuss a future calmly.

But four months have passed, and our communication has dwindled to almost nothing. She does not talk to me on calls. At times, I have tried reopening conversations through emotional text messages because I struggled to accept that there might be no way forward.

I also sent her a voice note explaining my feelings and my hope that we might find a legitimate solution. She declined to engage.

She has explicitly told me to move on, stop discussing the relationship, and leave her alone.

I have written many other messages and possible solutions privately, but those drafts have not been sent.

I still struggle with the thought that her circumstances may have made her feel that there is no choice available to her. I wonder whether there are options neither of us has properly considered. But I also understand that I cannot assume she secretly wants to continue the relationship or that my intentions give me the right to keep contacting her.

I want to distinguish between the general Islamic question of what options a woman may have when facing family obstruction and the very different question of what I should do when this particular woman has told me to stop.

3. The Islamic questions I am struggling with

A. Consent and the wali

1. What are the established Sunni scholarly positions on an adult woman's consent and the role of the wali in marriage?
2. How do the different Sunni madhhabs approach a situation in which an adult woman genuinely wants to marry a particular man but her wali or family refuses?
3. What distinguishes legitimate parental concerns about a prospective spouse from unjust obstruction of a marriage?

I would appreciate references to reputable scholars or recognised sources, rather than isolated quotations or oversimplified claims that Islam either gives parents complete control or makes family involvement irrelevant.

B. If the family unjustly obstructs a marriage

1. If a woman genuinely wants to marry someone and her wali unjustly prevents it, what legitimate processes exist within Sunni Islamic jurisprudence?
2. Can a qualified scholar, recognised religious authority, qadi where applicable, or another appropriate body help assess such a situation? How does this vary by madhhab and the legal system in the country concerned?
3. If there is no reasonable family member who can mediate, what alternatives are recognised by qualified scholars?

I am not asking for a shortcut to bypass Islamic requirements. I want to understand the correct process and the limits of what is permissible.

C. Family pressure and possible harm

1. If a woman fears threats, violence, confinement, or retaliation for choosing her spouse, how should that risk affect the advice given to her?
2. What should someone do if family opposition goes beyond disapproval and becomes coercion? How can religious guidance be combined with appropriate legal and safety support?

I understand that an answer about what may be permissible in principle is not automatically a recommendation for someone to leave home or marry independently. Safety, genuine consent, applicable law, and the circumstances would all matter.

4. The practical and emotional questions

I was willing to learn her language and culture, relocate if necessary, and approach her family respectfully if she wanted me to and it was safe. I wanted to make a sincere effort towards a halal marriage.

I have also considered whether an independent marriage could ever be possible in a situation involving unjust family obstruction. But I do not want to romanticise elopement, underestimate the risks, or make a decision on her behalf.

My questions now are:

• Given that she has repeatedly told me to move on, should I leave all further contact entirely to her?
• How do I accept the possibility that the relationship is over without dismissing the family pressures she has described?
• For Muslims who have experienced family opposition to marriage, what actually helped, and what made matters worse?
• How should someone reconcile sincere feelings for another person with the fact that the other person is unwilling or unable to pursue the relationship?

I fear that her family may eventually arrange a marriage for her, or that she may feel compelled to accept one. I do not know whether this is actually being planned; it is a fear, not a confirmed fact.

Part of me worries that stepping back means losing a future we might have had if there were a safe and legitimate way forward. But I also recognise that my urgency cannot determine her choices, and I cannot make her take risks she does not want to take.

5. What I am hoping to get from this community

I would be grateful for advice that distinguishes between:

• Established Islamic rulings and personal interpretations.
• The general principles of consent and the wali, and their application to a particular case.
• Legitimate religious processes and unsafe or legally problematic shortcuts.
• Family pressure that may be addressed through mediation and situations where safety must come first.
• The question of whether a marriage can be pursued in principle and the separate question of whether this particular relationship can continue.

If you have faced something similar, I would especially appreciate hearing what happened in practice, including the difficulties and consequences that may not be obvious from the outside.

I want to understand the Islamic principles properly and make responsible decisions about my own life.

I love her, and letting go has been difficult. I initially believed that giving her time might help, but four months have passed without a way forward. I genuinely do not know how to reconcile my feelings, my hopes for a halal marriage, and the reality that she has asked me to move on.

Please be honest, even if the answer is difficult to hear. If there is no viable path forward unless she independently and freely wants to pursue one, I need to accept that. I want to act in a way that is faithful to Islam, respectful of her autonomy, and responsible towards both of us.

Jazakum Allahu khayran for taking the time to read this.

TL:DR - Sunni Muslim man in India who wanted to marry a Sunni Muslim woman from Kashmir. Her family is very conservative, and the situation deteriorated after her sister-in-law discovered our relationship. She says there is nobody reasonable in her family to mediate, and she has seen a relative beaten after a relationship was discovered. She believes she cannot challenge her family and has asked me to move on. I have considered whether a halal marriage could ever be possible despite family opposition, but I understand that she must freely want it herself. I am not asking how to override her refusal. I want to understand the Islamic principles concerning consent, the wali, unjust obstruction of marriage, and what lawful options exist when a woman genuinely wants to marry but fears family retaliation. Are there reputable scholars or established processes for these situations? Please distinguish scholarly guidance from personal opinion.

Detailed Context:

I'm an adult Sunni Muslim man from India. The woman I love is an adult Sunni Muslim woman from Kashmir. We were involved for a few months, discussed marriage, and developed strong feelings for each other. But for the past few months, family pressure has made the relationship increasingly difficult, and she has now told me to move on.

I'm looking for honest, practical advice from people who understand Indian Muslim families, conservative family structures, Islamic marriage principles, and the reality of choosing a partner against family wishes.

I'm not looking for people to simply tell me that love conquers everything. I also don't want to be told to run away as though that automatically solves everything. I want to understand what is realistically possible, what would be unsafe or wrong, and what I should do now.

1. How the situation started

The situation became much more difficult after her sister-in-law discovered our relationship. From what she has told me, the discovery and the pressure that followed became very difficult for her to handle. Eventually, she felt she had to cut things off.

This has been going on for months, and there is still no clear way forward.

She comes from a very conservative, rigid family. She has told me there is nobody in her family who is reasonable or likely to support her choosing her own partner. She believes everyone shares essentially the same rigid outlook, so approaching a relative to mediate may not be a realistic option.

She does not feel she has much freedom or agency over her own future. She believes her life is largely predetermined by her family and the society she lives in.

2. Why I believe she has lost hope

I don't think this is simply a case of someone who is unwilling to try. I think her experiences may have shaped what she believes is possible.

She has seen women face serious consequences for choosing their partners. Most recently, she witnessed her cousin being beaten and mistreated by family because of a relationship with a man who was reportedly financially established and Kashmiri himself. That experience appears to have reinforced her fear that even a seemingly suitable match may not protect a woman from family opposition.

While I was in Kashmir, I also spoke to some local men who told me that a woman choosing a love marriage could face enormous difficulties. I know these conversations cannot represent every family or every Kashmiri household, but they made me take her fears more seriously.

She believes meaningful changes in these attitudes may take a generation or two. She has told me she cannot fight her family, does not have the courage or emotional capacity to endure the consequences, and cannot see a realistic way forward.

She is not financially independent, as far as I understand, and she does not believe she has the resources or support to challenge her family safely.

I sometimes describe her as having lost hope, but I realise I cannot diagnose her or know everything she is feeling. I'm trying to understand her perspective without dismissing it.

3. What I want and what I have considered

I genuinely wanted to marry her. I wanted a proper, halal marriage, not a secret relationship that continued indefinitely.

I'm willing to learn her language and culture, relocate if necessary, and make a sincere effort to approach the marriage respectfully. I would be willing to meet her family and let them assess me, if she wanted that and it were safe.

I have researched the general Islamic principle that a woman cannot simply be forced into marriage without her consent. I understand there are differences of opinion among Sunni legal schools concerning the wali and the marriage process, and I want reliable scholarly guidance rather than oversimplified social-media claims.

I have also considered whether an independent marriage or leaving home could ever be an option if her family were to obstruct a marriage she genuinely wanted. I do not want to romanticise elopement. I am worried about her safety, the risk of retaliation, housing, finances, legal consequences, and whether a marriage would be valid under the relevant Islamic requirements.

I would not want to make that decision for her. Her free and informed consent would have to be central.

4. Where the relationship stands now

This is the part I am struggling with most.

She does not talk to me on calls. I have tried to communicate through text and have sometimes sent emotional messages because I felt that otherwise the conversation would never reopen.

I asked her to hear me out and sent a voice note explaining my feelings and my wish to explore whether a legitimate way forward existed. She declined to engage and became increasingly clear that she wanted me to stop.

She has explicitly told me to move on, said that she cannot do this, and asked me to stop trying to discuss the relationship.

I have written many additional thoughts, possible messages, and practical ideas privately, but I have not sent those drafts. They reflect what I wish I could say, not messages I have actually sent.

I want to reopen communication, even if it is only through text. I want to understand how she is doing, acknowledge that she may be overwhelmed, and offer to listen without immediately discussing marriage or asking her to confront her family.

But I also understand that she has already asked me to stop. I don't want to turn my desire to comfort her into pressure, and I don't want to interpret her refusal as proof that she secretly wants me to keep trying.

5. My fear about time running out

I'm worried that her family may eventually arrange a marriage for her, or that she may feel compelled to accept one because she believes she has no choice. I do not know that this is happening; it is a fear about what might happen given the family environment she has described.

I feel as though the walls are closing in, and that if I do nothing, I may lose the possibility of marriage without ever understanding whether there was a safe and lawful alternative.

At the same time, I know that my urgency does not entitle me to override her decision. I cannot make her want a relationship or take risks she does not want to take.

6. Questions I would appreciate advice on

Islamic guidance

1. What is the correct Islamic approach when an adult Muslim woman wants to marry someone but her family may obstruct the marriage? What are the relevant principles concerning consent, the wali, and unjust obstruction?
2. If there is no reasonable family member to mediate, what legitimate alternatives exist? Can a qualified scholar or other appropriate authority help, and under what circumstances?
3. What should a person do when family opposition may involve threats or violence, rather than simply disapproval?

Indian legal and practical options

1. What lawful options might exist for two adults who mutually want to marry but face serious family opposition?
2. If an adult woman is threatened, confined, or coerced into marriage, what protections and support mechanisms may be available in India?
3. What practical safeguards would need to be considered before any independent marriage or move away from a hostile family environment? I am especially concerned about safety, housing, financial independence, and retaliation.

Relationship and emotional guidance

1. How do I distinguish between someone who still wants a relationship but feels trapped and someone who has genuinely decided they no longer want it?
2. Is there any appropriate way to reopen communication after someone has explicitly asked you to stop, or should I leave the next move entirely to her?
3. If she never feels able or willing to challenge her family's expectations, how should I make peace with that reality?
4. For people who have experienced conservative family opposition to marriage, what actually helped? What made things worse? What would you do differently?

I love her, and I have struggled to let go because I believe her circumstances may be contributing to her hopelessness. But I also recognise that I may be interpreting the situation through my own hopes.

I want advice that respects her autonomy, takes the possibility of family violence seriously, follows sound Islamic principles, and is realistic about Indian law and society.

Please be candid. If there is no viable path forward unless she independently chooses to participate, I need to hear that, too.

Are there any women here who got married between the ages of 20 and 25? I’d really love to hear your stories!
How is married life treating you? Are you happy with your decision to get married young, or do you sometimes regret it? Looking back, do you feel you were mature and ready enough for marriage at that age?
Is there anything you wish you had done or experienced before getting married? Did marriage affect your education, career, personal growth, or the freedom to enjoy your twenties?
I’m genuinely interested in hearing both the positive and negative experiences.
If you could go back in time, would you still choose to get married at the same age, or would you wait a little longer? Why?

Assalamu alaikum.

I was agreed for an arranged marriage 2.5 months back. I said yes having a lot of confusion. With family pressuring me to talk with the girl and decide i negatively approached that meet for just say a no. But while talking with that girl I feel the character i need and she is very much in to dheen. So I decided to said yes without considering any other factors. But there was a big height difference and also I didn't at all consider attraction at that time. Later we started messaging form day 1. She very instantly get in to me and my family. But I couldn't. I was very weak in emotions and also in relationship. I think that may be the reason. So I decided to make ready this. I told her to make things slow and I am not getting in to this. She is like it will get ready with time. She decides me as her husband and I was like struggling to make a connection. And very honestly I couldn't. I was forcefully doing things even texting. I couldn't find even 1% of happiness. Also she sends photos and bed selfies and she even text her very personal matters. I am like getting panic all these times. I didn't ready for call saying even i could text. Then also she is saying things will get ready. And we met 3 times with she initiating for the meet and I without interest agreed and met because I thought things will get ready if we meet and talk directly. But doesn't change. I am now in abroad for finding job. I always having doubts and confusion about height difference and attraction. I didn't getting that. Also I am not able to get an emotional connection with her. Now I am like I couldnt proceed with this relationship. In between a small engagement happened. I already shared with her that I couldn't move forward.

How to deal with this.? Also I am getting panicked about the trauma the girl will have. So please help me in this regard. Thank you.

Asalaamualaikum,

I (28 female) have been married to my husband (29 male) for 1.5 years. We’ve been having constant arguments and disagreements and I just don’t know what to do. I wondered if anyone could give me their advice on what I can try to fix things or whether I should just cut things off with him now and move on. To make things easier I’m going to bullet point the good and bad points from our marriage and about my husband.

Positives:

- He’s very sweet and will always go above and beyond to make me happy - he likes to cook my favourite meals 
- He tries to make my life easier - as I work long hours and get home late most days, he tries to do most of the cleaning and makes dinner on the days I have work. I clean/cook on my days off 
- Good at acts of service - likes to give me massages after a long day at work 
- Works hard - is working multiple jobs to try and help us financially
- Religion - he likes to live his life according to Islam and likes to encourage me to grow myself spiritually too  

Before I start on the negatives, I thought I should provide some context. My only hesitation before marrying him (we had an arranged marriage so had to learn everything about each other in quite a short period of time) was finances. Every time I asked him about his job, salary and savings he would always give me vague answers. Back then he said he was looking to change his job so wouldn’t disclose his salary. He wouldn’t disclose his savings either and kept saying it was because he was owed back money by different people. It made me feel like a gold digger or like I was doing something wrong because I had to keep asking him. Islam highlights that a husband’s duty is to provide for his wife, and that this should be done to the level that she was provided for before marriage. But I didn’t expect crazy things from him; I knew that I was looking for a partner that I could grow with in life, and that rizq is written. All I wanted to do was to be financially smart, as it is commonly known that finances are a leading cause for divorce. All I was looking for was someone who was earning the same amount as me and could match my savings. I only found out after our nikkah the full extent of his finances and that he did not meet up to my standards. 

Therefore our constant arguments throughout marriage have been to do with finances. About whether to go on holiday or to prioritise saving. About whether we’ll be able to have children in the timeline that we originally planned for since I’ll have to work in order to save up. Not being able to afford to live comfortably right now while we rent so we can focus on saving. Everything has been a struggle.

Back in December 2025 another issue came up. I found out that he must have been venting about our marital issues to his sister because she took it upon herself to complain to my mother about the state of our marriage. My husband and I have always agreed that we should always try to fix our marriage ourselves, and if we wanted to seek external help then we should mutually agree on who we go to and when. But his sister then took it upon herself to speak to my mother about her concerns about my marriage. This lead to a huge argument between myself and his sister because I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t just come and speak to me if she had concerns about her brother and our marriage. I was also concerned because my mother became very distressed after hearing about how I was having so many issues so early on in my marriage. This whole situation meant that I no longer trusted my husband to resolve situations ourselves because I now feared that he would always speak to his sister first. He argues that this was never the case and he was never venting to his sister about our marriage in particular. He claims that he would only vent about the general struggles of marriage (e.g. life changes, routine changes, financial burdens etc.) and she then took it upon herself to speak to my mother without telling him about her plans. I don’t know whether I believe this to be true. Subsequently, I now have a wall up with my husband and there’s also been a complete breakdown in the relationship that I have with my sister in law. 

Negatives:

- Lack of financial trust - after I found out the full extent of his finances, we figured out that it will take us a 4-5 years to save up for a house. This is an issue because it means that if we have a child within that time, then I would be out of work so we won’t be able to save. I always wanted to have a child before I turn 30 (which gives me two years) 
- Trust - I feel as though I can’t talk to him for fear of him telling his sister 
- I have a very close friend (who’s always been like a sister to me) and I made it clear to my husband that I would want to marry someone who will be close friends with my best friend and her husband. Before I married him, he put effort into being friendly with my friend and her husband but afterwards he created an argument with them and has made no effort into reconciling with them. Now my own friendship has been affected by it and I feel like I’ve lost a close relationship as a result of his actions
- Feels like he weaponises religion - he says that he can’t speak to my friend because you can’t have mix gendered friends, but he has his own female friends (he used to have mixed friend groups many years ago while he was at uni), I know he doesn’t talk to his friends anymore but he was resistant to removing them from his social media. 
- Disrespected my parents - he made it sound like my parents were overstepping for making suggestions for how to improve our finances (e.g. my dad suggested he try driving instructing on the weekends for extra cash) - my parents only became involved after they found out about the financial issues through HIS sister 
- Intimacy - having issues so early on in our marriage has affected our intimacy from the early stages, and our constant issues means that there is barely ever any intimacy between us
- He uses religion to his advantage- he’s constantly using religion (sabr, tawwakkul etc) during our arguments but whenever I speak about how I’ve always had negative responses whenever I pray istikhara, he ignores it and claims that these dreams are from shaytaan

Over the last 1.5 years I’ve constantly tried to fix things with my husband but it seems like there has been barely any improvement. If anything, our arguments have become so much more aggressive. I’m a very quiet person by nature but our arguments are now full blown screaming matches. I know he would never lay a hand on me, but he shouts and calls me names when we argue. We’re in a toxic cycle now, where we’re just so used to arguing that we get used to the silent treatment that goes on for days at a time before we slowly return to normal until the next argument. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life as I do now. I feel like I have no one to turn to, not even my own husband. So now I can only ask strangers online for their opinion. 

I would appreciate any advice. Is there any way to improve my marriage or am I just prolonging the inevitable? Are these issues normal in a marriage? My husband is convinces that it is normal to have issues especially early on in a marriage but the extent of our issues seems abnormal. I fear we are just too incompatible.

Jazaakallah khair

^^^

As in the stuff you see in romantic relationships where you go out to eat, cuddle etc and have that unserious fun where life just seems so much better and exciting with a partner.

How realistic are those things in an actual marriage in reality?

Husband is the leader of the household i.e. the wife and children.

Prophet (saw) said, “A man is the guardian of his family…”
(Bukhari 7138)

The following verse from Surah Al Imran guides every leader not only to consult their followers but also on how to consult.

Scholar Sulaiman Jhanjhee (rah) commented and my notes related to marriage:

(1) “So by mercy from Allah, you were gentle with them. Had you been rough and hard-hearted, they would have dispersed from around you.” (3:159)

Those who engage in consultation should be gentle not harsh.

A husband in consulting with his wife and children should adopt a gentle temperament.

(2) “So pardon them…” (3:159)

Forgive and overlook mistakes. Don’t hold someone accountable for every little thing.

As a leader, a husband shouldn’t scrutinize every shortcoming of his wife and children but should overlook and forgive.

(3) “Ask forgiveness for them…” (3:159)

You should not only forgive people for their mistakes. But also pray that Allah forgives them.

Not only should a husband forgive his wife and children for their shortcomings but also pray to Allah to forgive them.

(4) “Consult them in the matter…” (3:159)

It didn’t say the Companions (rad) should consult with the Prophet (saw). Instead, the Prophet (saw) was instructed to consult with the Companions (rad).

Therefore, a husband should ask his wife and children, ‘What is your opinion on this matter?’ Then, the household will be happy as they were consulted.

(5) “Then when you have decided on a course of action, then rely upon Allah” (3:159)

It does not say, “When the majority have reached an opinion.” Therefore, consultation does not mean following the majority opinion.

A husband should consult but ultimately the decision rests with him.