howdy reddit! i’m just looking for some advice, my husband and i recently stumbled across some info about enmeshment and after some research, we realized JNMIL is 100% the creator and enforcer of an enmeshed family dynamic. he’s working through processing that his mom has toxic and manipulative behavior, and is really angry with her. i’m trying to be supportive because i’m glad he’s finally understanding that the situation isn’t healthy, but i don’t want his anger to override the need to keep SOME level of peace with her in order to sustain our very good relationships with his siblings. any advice on how to handle distancing from her without blowing things up with the whole family, or how to go about creating a new dynamic with her that has more space and proper boundaries when we know she isn’t willing to change her ways, and has been actively pressuring for LESS space?

I'm looking for an outside perspective because I've become increasingly resentful toward my mother-in-law (MIL). I can't tell whether my feelings are justified, whether I'm overanalyzing everything, or whether I need to accept that we'll never have the relationship I once hoped for.

I'll try to explain the situation without sharing identifying details, but I think the context matters.

How things started

My husband and I got married relatively recently, and a couple of months into our marriage, we had our first major conflict with my MIL.

There were disagreements and misunderstandings about my behaviour and how I interacted with her. I gradually started feeling that she interpreted my actions in ways I hadn't intended. Things I considered perfectly normal could apparently be perceived as disrespectful or as a sign that I had a problem with her. My husband defended me very strongly during that first conflict. I've written a separate post with more details about what happened [Asking for advice : r/motherinlawsfromhell].

Eventually, my husband and I moved into our own place after spending approximately three months living with his family.

I mention that first conflict because I think it set the tone for what followed. I started feeling that there was a disconnect between how I understood my own actions and how she interpreted them.

When we lived together

During those three months, there were several incidents involving complaints and comments about me that made me increasingly uncomfortable.

I was working full-time, but I still made a conscious effort to contribute to the household. I cooked every evening, cleaned in the mornings before leaving for work, and cleaned my MIL's bedroom and bathroom whenever I had the opportunity. I genuinely tried to be helpful and considerate.

Despite this, the tension between us continued to grow.

The confrontation that changed how I saw her

One of the most significant incidents happened after my father-in-law returned from a religious pilgrimage.

The following week, I travelled to attend a wedding. Before that, I had made a painting as a welcome-home gift for him. My MIL messaged me asking for a larger painting of the same kind, featuring a picture of him.

I didn't see her message and therefore didn't respond for over 24 hours. When I eventually saw it, I apologized for the late response and decided to make the painting she had requested and give it to her as a gift. Since I was away, I asked my husband to deliver it to her.

While I was away, my MIL apparently made some very hurtful comments about me to my husband. According to him, she portrayed me as someone who was dragging her son down and suggested that I was pretending or wasn't being genuine.

I only learned about these comments when I returned from my trip and my husband told me what had happened.

About a week later, my MIL confronted me. She asked why I had been avoiding her and what I had against her. I explained that I wasn't holding anything against her, hadn't deliberately avoided her, hadn't seen her message, and had still decided to give her the painting she requested.

However, the conversation went much further than that.

At one point, she said something that really stuck with me: sometimes, she tried to find things to reproach me for but couldn't find anything. She then started bringing up incidents from before our marriage that I had never understood to be problems.

For example, before we were married, my husband was ill, and I went to visit him. My MIL happened to arrive while I was there, and she later claimed that I had rushed to leave. That wasn't how I remembered the situation, but apparently, she had interpreted it that way.

Another complaint was that we didn't call her often enough. However, they lived about five minutes away from us, and we saw them at least once a week.

What made this particularly difficult was that these weren't things I had knowingly done to upset her. If she hadn't brought them up, I would never have known she considered them problems. During the confrontation, it felt as though every time I explained one situation, another complaint emerged.

My father-in-law was present, so I also took the opportunity to explain my perspective to him. I felt he might have been hearing only her version of events, and I wanted him to understand how I had experienced those situations.

I wasn't trying to claim that I was perfect or that she had no right to feel hurt. I simply wanted to explain that the intentions she attributed to me weren't necessarily the intentions behind my actions.

Another part of the confrontation that affected me deeply was when she brought up our first altercation and claimed that I had shouted at her. I genuinely don't believe I shouted at her. I would consider that extremely disrespectful, and I know I wouldn't intentionally speak to her that way.

That accusation unsettled me. It made me question how she remembered our interactions and whether she had already formed a negative impression of me that influenced how she interpreted my behaviour.

I left that conversation feeling as though I had to defend myself against a version of events that didn't match my own experience.

How this affected my anxiety

I think this is where much of my anxiety around her began.

I could do something without any intention of hurting or disrespecting her, genuinely believe there was no issue, and then discover much later that she had interpreted it negatively and held it against me.

It made me feel as though I could never be entirely sure where I stood with her. I started wondering whether something I considered perfectly normal might eventually become another accusation.

Before this, I thought that if I was respectful, helpful, and considerate, we would naturally develop a decent relationship over time. I understood that we might have different personalities or disagree about certain things, but I never expected to feel as though my intentions were constantly being questioned.

Since then, I've found it much harder to interact with her naturally. Sometimes, I overthink calling her and put it off, only to feel guilty afterward because I know I haven't called. When I hear her speaking with my husband, there are times when I don't even want to join the conversation.

I don't like feeling this way. I don't want to become someone who is constantly suspicious of another person's intentions. But I also don't know how to feel comfortable around someone when I no longer trust that our interactions will be interpreted in good faith.

The way I perceive her has changed

One of the confusing things about this situation is that other people generally seem to have a very positive opinion of my MIL.

People describe her as kind, generous, helpful, sociable, and someone who gives advice and gifts. I can acknowledge those qualities. I'm not claiming she's a terrible person or that everything about her is negative.

However, my personal experience has made it difficult for me to see her in the same way.

I sometimes feel that she's very focused on herself and that conversations tend to circle back to her own experiences. She also shares stories about spiritual experiences and visions that I personally find difficult to believe or assess. At times, I've felt that some of her accounts were exaggerated or didn't quite match my understanding of what happened, although I can't always know her intentions.

I've also noticed what I perceive as a tendency to criticize people and speak negatively about them. Sometimes, I get the impression that people who give her gifts, help her, or listen to her advice receive particularly positive treatment. However, I recognize that this is my interpretation and that I might not have the full picture.

The problem is that once your trust in someone has been damaged, it becomes harder to interpret their behaviour neutrally. Things I might previously have dismissed now irritate me or make me question their intentions.

I don't know how much of this reflects a genuine pattern in her behaviour and how much is the result of my accumulated resentment.

I know she's been through difficult things

I want to make it clear that I'm aware my MIL has her own struggles.

She's experienced difficulties in her marriage, has carried responsibilities from a young age, and has gone through emotionally challenging family situations. She's also an emotional person, and I've witnessed her having anxiety attacks.

For a long time, I tried to approach our relationship with that in mind. If she said something hurtful when she was upset, I would tell myself that perhaps she was overwhelmed and might feel differently once she had calmed down. I tried to be understanding rather than immediately taking everything personally.

But I'm beginning to struggle with that approach.

Sometimes, I feel that understanding her circumstances means I'm expected to keep making allowances for her behaviour, while my own feelings and limitations receive less consideration.

I can understand why someone might struggle emotionally without believing I should have to absorb the consequences indefinitely. I know people are complicated, and someone can be generous and loving in some situations while also being hurtful in others.

What I'm struggling with is how to acknowledge her difficulties without continually using them to explain away behaviour that has damaged our relationship.

A more recent incident has added to my confusion

A close family member of mine passed away recently. My MIL came to offer her condolences to my family and gave us money as a gesture of support.

I appreciated the gesture. However, she later mentioned the money to my husband, and I found myself wondering why she felt the need to tell him. It might have been completely innocent, and I know people sometimes share these things simply as information. Still, I noticed that I immediately started questioning her intentions.

During that same visit, she started talking about marriage in front of several members of my family. She said that a woman can turn a bad man into a good man, but a bad woman can turn a good man into a bad man.

I found the timing uncomfortable because we were gathered to offer and receive condolences. She even acknowledged that perhaps it wasn't the right context for that conversation.

Given our history, I wondered whether the comment was directed at me, but I have no way of knowing for sure. I don't want to assume that everything she says is a hidden criticism of me. Still, I found myself thinking about it long after the visit.

And that's part of what worries me about my own reaction: I seem to be analyzing almost everything she does, even when there may be a perfectly innocent explanation.

I feel like I've reached a point where I don't know what to do anymore

I've made efforts to build a relationship with her. I've spent time with her, participated in family gatherings, asked questions, listened to her advice, and tried to show interest in her life, even when we don't necessarily see things the same way.

I know relationships require effort, and I don't expect her to do all the work. But I also don't think I should have to constantly prove that I'm a good person or work excessively hard to earn her approval.

My husband is aware of the tension and has sometimes stepped in when there have been difficulties between us. I appreciate that, especially because he defended me strongly during our first conflict. At the same time, I know she's his mother, and I don't want to put him in a position where he feels he must constantly choose sides.

I also don't want to force a closeness that no longer feels natural to me.

Part of me feels guilty because I know she has positive qualities and has been through difficult things. Another part of me feels exhausted by the expectation that I should always be understanding, patient, and willing to move past things that have genuinely affected me.

I don't necessarily want a close relationship with her anymore. Perhaps a polite, respectful, but more distant relationship would be healthier for me. I'd still want to treat her well, participate in family occasions, and maintain basic respect. I just don't know whether accepting that distance is reasonable or whether I'm letting resentment turn me into someone unfair.

I also worry that my growing frustration is making me focus on her negative qualities while overlooking the good ones. I don't want to become so biased against her that I interpret every action in the worst possible way.

I'd really appreciate honest perspectives, including if you think I might be contributing to this dynamic in ways I don't fully recognize. I'm not looking for people to tell me that my MIL is a bad person. I'm trying to understand whether my feelings are reasonable, how much of my reaction might be influenced by resentment, and how to move forward without becoming bitter.

Have any of you experienced something similar with a parent-in-law? How did you handle it? Were you able to rebuild trust, or did you eventually accept that a more distant relationship was healthier?

At the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend, his mother would often suggest cute, romantic things for us to do together.
However, over time, her attitude seems to have changed.
For example, whenever my boyfriend and I are at her house, it feels almost impossible for us to have a private conversation. The moment we start sharing an intimate moment or having a meaningful conversation as a couple, she suddenly comes over and interrupts us to say something completely unnecessary, as if she cannot stand seeing us enjoy a moment of closeness without her being involved.
I've also noticed that she seems bothered whenever my boyfriend does something thoughtful for me.

She often tries to downplay his gestures or make them seem less special, as though she feels the need to diminish the attention he gives me. She often criticize me (sometimes also in front of other people) and tries to make me feel helpless.
What bothers me the most is this underlying feeling that she's constantly trying to take my place in some way, which I find particularly strange because she's his MOTHER.
She always seems to need to prove that whatever she does is better than what everyone else does and manipulate my boyfriend with guilt. I've noticed this behaviour not only with me but also with her close friends and other family members (only with women). She frequently makes comparisons, undermines other people's actions, and seems to need to establish herself as the best of the best.
Honestly, I struggle to understand why she behaves this way, especially when it comes to my relationship with her son. Is it jealousy? Does she feel threatened by the fact that he's building a life and a romantic relationship that don't revolve around her anymore? Or is it more about her need to maintain control and remain the most important woman in life?
At the same time, I'm thinking about the future, and I know that I need to establish some healthy boundaries before it’s too late. I do want her to be part of our lives, and I don't want to create unnecessary conflict or push her away. However, I also don't want her to become intrusive, judgmental, or overly involved in our relationship.
I want us to be able to make our own decisions as a couple without her interfering, questioning our choices, or constantly making unsolicited comments.

Has anyone experienced something similar with their mother-in-law? Why do some mothers seem to become competitive or jealous when their sons enter serious relationships, and how can you establish boundaries without creating a constant source of tension within the family?

I feel like people are usually excited about the baby and ask a lot of questions about the pregnancy, but they don't always ask how the mom is actually doing emotionally.

Sometimes you might be dealing with family stress, feeling overwhelmed, or just having a hard day and not really knowing how to explain it to anyone. And when you try to talk about it, people might tell you to relax or remind you that you should be happy because you're having a baby.

I think that can make it even harder to open up, because you don't want people to misunderstand you or think you're complaining about something you should be grateful for.

But being excited about having a baby and struggling emotionally can both be true at the same time, right?

For those who have experienced this, did you feel comfortable talking about your emotions during pregnancy? Or did you feel like you had to keep a lot of things to yourself?

I took my partner away for his birthday.

This is the only holiday I’ve had this year. Part of the only time I get to myself all year round.

MIL made sure that I was miserable last night.

My partner and I were at dinner when she struck.

Some drunken rant about how she was a good mother, both her sons lie about the reality of their childhood, and how she didn’t do anything wrong.

30 messages coming through to his phone, and because he couldn’t just ignore them, he had to start replying.

We were having a pleasant conversation and enjoying our meal before then.

All of a sudden, I was talking to myself.

The mood soured. The night was ruined for me, and today I don’t even know how to want to talk to my partner.

He should have ignored her. I practically begged him to.

No, MIL couldn’t just let us enjoy this trip without starting some form of drama from thousands of miles away.

ETA: I know my partner is also to blame. I thought my post made that clear but it’s evident people misunderstood.

Sadly he is neurodivergent and part of his particular diagnoses is that struggles once sucked into her dramas, but he has been spoken to about it last night.

Still on my holiday so I might not get around to responding. Mostly wanted it off my chest.

I've posted here before about my MIL. Obligatory please don't share.

I won't get too into details about what happened for anonymities sake, but my FIL was hospitalized for several weeks with a serious by very treatable condition. He is out of the hospital now, but my DH and I have been struggling with adjusting how much contact to have during this time.

I have been NC with my MIL (and by extension, my FIL) for about a year now. I was previously LC for about 6 months. My husband is VLC with them and was briefly NC with them for 3 months this summer.

Both DH & I are feeling guilty about the distance given his father's health, but that guilt really only extends to FIL. Most of our issues have been with MIL, and even though FIL stands by his wife, he tries to mediate things and I think he has been hurt by my husband's lack of support in this time. We both understand that FIL has not been supportive of DH through all of the abuse MIL has put him through, but I also know that MIL abuses FIL emotionally and verbally, too.

DH has called a couple times and did visit with FIL once, but he's been receiving a near constant barrage of texts and calls from MIL, FIL, and his siblings about his lack of contact. MIL, of course, has turned her husband's medical situation into a pity party for herself. She has made pleas for us to all come together and move past things because 'life is too short'. She won't, however, apologize or acknowledge any wrongdoing on her part. She's posted several pity posts on FB about how hard things are for her. She's told DH and his brother's how scary FIL's medical situation was for her, how it 'nearly broke' her, etc.

She also accosted my SIL (her other DIL) and told her she was 'playing the hero' and to 'stay out of her business' when she inquired after the health of FIL. She has also grown more and more convinced that my SIL and I have little scheme sessions where we cook up ways to, and I quote, "ruin her life". My SIL talk maybe every couple months, if that. We do talk about MIL, because we both want to vent about her to someone who understands, but in all reality SIL and I are handling MIL very differently and obviously a vent session does not equal scheming about ways to hurt MIL. MIL doesn't like that we talk because she lies a lot and the fact that SIL talk means that we know what she's lied about.

So, it's clear MIL hasn't changed at all, but being NC with FIL during this time has left DH especially feeling very guilty. At some level, I feel guilty and strange too. Under any normal circumstances, I would have arranged a visit & a get well gift, etc, but given the situation I haven't said or done anything.

I guess it just feels like a defining moment, too. MIL will invariably label me as cruel and it won't be hard to convince others that it's true given the circumstances. "She wouldn't even let DH visit his father", "She wouldn't put aside differences and show up during a crisis", etc.

It has certainly damaged the relationship further, and even though I've been NC, I always had a sliver of hope that things could be different. This feels like a nail in the coffin on that.

I'm also now unsure as to how any further medical emergencies should be handled as his parents get older. This one, thankfully, was not a life threatening event, but what happens when one of them gets really sick or diagnosed with a terminal issue?

Looking for advice from those who are NC in how you handle those situations and the feelings that arise from it.

My son is just now 6 weeks old and since the day we got home from the hospital we have seen my ILs at least once a week. At this point its wearing me down and exhausting me. I never had a great relationship with my MIL and ever since I was pregnant her presence has stressed me out. The last two times they visited she tried to take my baby out of my arms while he was crying. Then when I finally let her hold him she did not hand him back when he started crying and I kept repeating that he was hungry.

Yes, I did talk to my husband about this and he stated to just take the baby back from her. Which at this point I just don't want her holding him at all. It makes me feel dread. Which I am going to therapy for and dealing with my post partum anxiety.

Every visit has been for something stupid. Like a random gift from one of their friends for the baby, drop off random stuff we left at their house, or a card. We just had our one year marriage anniversary and she asked for us to join them for a fall festival...last thing I wanted to do on our anniversary, with an unvaccinated NB in 90 degree weather, and still healing from a Csection.

This last attempt was to drop off our anniversary gift...which is weird bc I thought that was a husband and wife thing? But to be honest it was just a way to come over and see the baby. I told her no, as she asked to come on a week day, which she already knows is rough. My husband is back at work and Im doing nights with the baby. So when he gets home I usually go to bed before my night begins. But she couldnt wait and a day later stopped by to "drop off gift". Thank God I was asleep and husband told them they couldn't come in. Anyway, the oh so important gift? Well, it was paper themed...you guessed it: two rolls of paper towels, one tissue box, and thing of bounty napkins....ha, I doubt you guessed that lol

That was a few days ago, and now she is already messaging me about coming over in the morning tomorrow or Thursday to see baby and take a walk...wtf. I finally snapped and sent her this text (which she has not read)

"I'll let you know about the visit. I understand youre excited to see (baby name), but morning/evening times are not good for us esp on week days. Its our bonding time, which Im trying to soak up before going back to work. Plus, he has been super fussy in the morning these last few days.

Im also working on getting down a solid routine for morning and evenings for when Paul takes over. So, its a lot of feeding/napping, bathing, repeat. Hopefully you can understand as a mother and someone with years of child experience. ❤️ we will see you soon tho for your birthday. "

I tried to be nice as we are seeing them Sunday. But holy shit. At this point Im going to explode. I just want ONE week without seeing them. Was this text mean? Do you think she will finally get the hint? The last part about the child care has another whole story behind it and my therapist told me to use it some time. Felt appropriate with this. Thanks for reading. Sorry if it sounds jumbled. My mom brain is scrambled. I really needed to vent.

I just need to vent to get the off my mind. My MIL come off as so sweet. She posts on Facebook about her good deeds. But she constantly tells little white lies. For example, the food she brought over was from this restaurant but it was frozen from Publix or she washed her hands in the bathroom but didn’t. I haven’t felt comfortable around her since meeting her.

Good things she has done

1. Volunteered to watch my twins may-July until daycare had an opening. This prevented us using 2 daycares with my 2 year old. She works at a school and had the summer off. SUPER grateful for that.
2. She is paying for my 2 year old to do gymnastics

FRUSTRATIONS

1. She’d make comments on what I ate all the time while pregnant.
2. She would constantly tell me I look like I just woke up and then compliment my husband on how handsome he looks (we had 2 month old twins and a 2 year old)
3. She will walk bare foot through the front yard while it rains with sweatpants that are too long and drag her wet pants through my house.
4. She treats my request to not share food with the kids as an insult.
5. She talks crap about me to my husband when I leave the room.
6. She does passive aggressive stuff when you piss her off like messing up your food order.
7. She would constantly bring up my previous miscarriages while pregnant with the twins… I don’t think she was happy we were having more kids in the beginning because I was the mom.
8. She uses her forgetfulness to escape accountability for her actions.
9. She has started to forget my birthday
10. Her behavior is worse when my SIL and FIL are around.
11. After I had the twins she would say “You look so great!” I would say “thank you!” And then she would follow it up with “for just having twins” and giggle.
12. She cannot keep her mouth off my kids. She has a chronic cough (I think might be COPD/she works with 5 year olds). Shes blows on their hands and really pushes the boundaries where she can.
13. Her feet are always dirty. Like brown bc she walks around barefoot constantly— I asked if she drove over without shoes, she replied she had shoes in the car. This was a lie… why lie???
14. Christmas gifts that are clearly regifted but goes all out for husband & SIL.
15. Talks about me to SIL like I’m not standing right there.
16. She’s a bully that wants to do what she wants with the kids and hates me because I’m too controlling. If she was respectful and made me feel comfortable then it wouldn’t be an issue.

17. Asked me what was in my necklace

    locket

18. when I opened it to show a picture of my mom she replied with “why isn’t it her son”?

I hope one day to be the best MIL for my future DIL. I want to be super respectful of their wishes and not feel entitled to son/DIL kids. The behavior is so ridiculous/immature. It doesn’t have to be this way. I’m a reasonable person. I have anxiety around food sharing/kissing my kids and that should be respected. I’ve made it very clear and I call out her behavior. It is what it is 🤷‍♀️ you are setting the foundation for how much I can trust you.

I find her to be very fake. She has this persona of being forgetful and goofy but she’ll turn around and be so passive aggressive. She doesn’t take accountability for her actions. Husbands family all joke that she’s slow/dumb but she’s not. She has created this persona so she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her actions. I don’t trust her at all. And I think the issue is that in my gut I know she’s just “being nice” because she wants access to the kids/is trying to manipulate me.

My husband gets the guilt trip from his parents and even sister. I’ve resented them all since the birth of my child (their first grandchild) which was almost 3 years ago. MIL visited weekly til about a year ago and now it’s every other week. Which to me is still a lot. Because every month on my husbands side, We see his family for a birthday, baby shower, holiday, whatever it is but she still HAS to come over even if we saw her at the baby shower a few days prior. I’ve said no to my husband before, but it always ends up in a big fight that lasts for days. So I just say yes sure and go on about my day - sometimes with an attitude because I freakin dread it. But I cannot stand when she is here playing with my LO. My husband and I work from home and we’ve both established a routine that works for us to work and take care of our child together. She has crossed boundaries, she has disrespected me by not acknowledging me and undermined me as a parent. But my husband thinks I need to forgive her and move on. So that’s where I’m at.

So would it be wrong if I began handing it back to her when she’s over? Like pretend she’s not even there (the way she has been towards me in my own house). So id stay in the same room, not respond to her hello how are you, talk to my child as o would any other day and basically go about my every day routine. Just make the visit feel uncomfortable? Im sick of walking on eggshells in my house. Let me add, she never once came over to our house before baby was born. So dealing with this for nearly 3 years and I don’t know what else to do.

I'm having a planned, repeat C-section at the end of this week. This is due to complications from my first pregnancy- severe preeclampsia at 29 weeks and a C-section at 30 weeks that had to happen quickly, so I have a vertical incision that makes me ineligible for VBAC. Because of both the surgical history and the preeclampsia history, this has been a high risk pregnancy and my OB wants me to deliver at 36 weeks.

My husband and I talked for a while (and with our therapist) about whether and when to tell my ILs that I'd be delivering a month earlier than the due date we originally gave them. Ultimately we decided to, but only to tell them the date, not the time, because during the (failed) induction with my first, they invited themselves to the hospital waiting room and texted "encouragement" that was really requests for updates, and I felt like everyone was waiting around for me to produce a child. Stressful.

So of course she calls my husband last night while he's cooking dinner-

"So what time are you getting to the hospital?" "Oh I don't remember" "[DH]!" "..." "Okay well you'll have to look it up and tell me." "There's no need for you to know." "[DH]! But I'm the [grandma name]!" "Yes?" "I need to know!" "We don't want people waiting around for news." "Oh you mean you don't want me to bother you?" "Yes, that's part of it." "Well is [OP's mom] going to know?" "Yes, that's a consequence of needing someone to watch [our firstborn]" "Well! If OP's mom is going to know- maybe just tell the grandmothers?"

He said no, we weren't going to let her know when we go to the hospital, but we would within a few hours of birth. She seemed very frustrated, finally asked how I was doing ("I assume OP is doing ok?") and didn't really wait for a response before changing the subject.

But then later she brought it up again because she couldn't remember if I was having an induction or a C-section, my husband told her it was a C-section, and she said "Well then that's scheduled! Those are really fast. You should be able to tell me when it is. They'll bring her back and the baby will be here shortly after!"

Not only is she relentless, that makes me feel about as much of an incubator as I've ever felt. "The baby will be here shortly after" is doing some heavy lifting for what I'm about to go through.

Unfortunately, her constant haranguing- even though DH shut her down like 20 times- ultimately meant my husband let slip that it would be early in the morning. He feels bad, I don't think it was intentional (though I wish he'd have just ended the call before that happened), and he agreed to put his phone on airplane mode until several hours after the delivery.

I have a very sensitive 7 month old baby. She’s wonderful, but it has been extremely tough ever since she was born. She cries a lot. She has reflux and tummy issues, so she only wants to be held. Everytime I sit her down she SCREAMS until I pick her up. She needs to be bounced to sleep for every nap and won’t sleep in the pram (in my country it is almost mandatory for babies to sleep in their pram). She screams when she’s hungry, when she’s bored and when she’s on the changing table. She screams basically while doing every task of the day. It is extremely exhausting. Around the 5 month mark, she started to become wary of strangers. We see my JNMIL once a month, which means our baby will now scream when JNMIL walks in the door.

But SOMEHOW my JNMIL has made that out to be a problem I have made for myself. “I have cuddled my baby so much that of course she screams when I try to put her down.” Or “She’s too attached to me, that is why she cries at strangers.” Even implying that my bond to her is damaging. She always keep telling me that I should get pregnant again within the first year of my daughters life, because if not, it will be sad for my daughter to not have an “equal playmate.” She makes these comments despite us being in treatment for infertility to even conceive our daughter, and she KNOWS this.

When we announced the pregnancy she didn’t even say congratulations, because she was upset that she wasn’t the absolute FIRST to know. And know all she does is say how I do absolutely everything wrong and how my baby looks nothing like me and only like her father EVERY. SINGLE. VISIT. When the baby still could be held by others, she would just take her from me without asking or saying a word, and then turn her back on me so my baby couldn’t see me and then point to her dad and say “look there’s daddy.” And I know she is still upset with me for declining an invitation to a party with 90+ people when the baby was just 6 weeks. Husband still attended, but that wasn’t enough.

But I must say that it is SUPER exhausting to have her over for a visit because our daughter will just SCREAM the whole time. I can’t get her to eat or sleep, she will just scream until my JNMIL leaves. My baby doesn’t particularly like strangers, but she always stops screaming around new faces after about 10-20 minutes, but not with JNMIL. And when I say that she is shy or gets upset around unfamiliar faces, she will just exclaim loud and angry “oh come on, I’m your grandma!” Yeah, like a baby knows that?? Anyways, we haven’t had a visit from her in 2 months and I just know it is because of this. And honestly, I’m beyond elated that I get a break from her, because she leaves me with nothing but stress and self doubt after every visit.

My boyfriend and I announced we are getting married a year ago and the reaction of in laws lead me to a whole evening of crying. She said “you just left the house…” and more odd comments (mind you he is 29) and when I told her I loved her she replied with “My son loves you”.

I need to know more reactions to things of big news of this sort, I’m new here. hugs

I am newly married. In the lead up to the wedding, my mom told me that she thinks my SO is controlling and angry and dangerous. Apparently, she's harbored these concerns since she very first met him and he was a little too aggressive for her taste when playing Monopoly--a game that's well known for bringing families together and fostering joy and love. I asked and there was no other reason for her accusations. And despite these serious concerns, she didn't say a word about them to me until the wedding was only 2 months out. She told me that my dad feels the same way. It's such an obvious attempt at manipulation.

My SO and I agreed that my mom's accusations were just a continuation of her long-standing pattern of interfering in her kids' relationships and trying to control us. I was initially tempted to just ignore it and pretend everything was fine. But I've already seen my mom break up one of my siblings' marriages, and I was not going to let her do the same thing to us.

So, in a move that's very unlike me, I called my parents one at a time to talk about it. I foolishly thought that it would be a well-received conversation that we would all grow from. And it wasn't. My mom immediately started crying her eyes out and told me how she didn't get the wedding that she wanted when she married my dad and how cruel I've been in refusing to let her bring a friend of hers that I met once when I was 4. It was baffling. My dad immediately started yelling and telling me that I was a little girl (I'm 30) with no idea how terrible men can be and that it's actually very common for men to be awful and he forgot that I'm just so very sensitive and unreasonable. It really shook me up. Like I was literally sitting on the floor of my closet, shaking while my dad yelled at me over the phone. Not my finest moment.

Over the next few days, my mom begged me to tell her what I needed from her to go back to how things were before. I told her I needed an apology. She refused and eventually asked that I just treat her courteously in public. My dad apologized for how I felt. They came to the wedding and barely said a word to my SO or I the entire time. Since then, I have barely spoken to either of them. They each call and/or text once a week or so. I just grey rock them and am starting to ignore them sometimes too. My siblings tell me often that I'm hurting my parents, especially my dad. Everyone seems to think that they can just pretend everything is fine and eventually I'll get over it.

I've been ruminating over what the future looks like. Do I tell them about big life events? If we move? If we have kids? Part of me still very much wants some kind of connection with them, but I don't want to invite them into our lives. It's just heartbreaking.

I am proud of myself for standing up for my SO and our marriage. I've also suddenly become way more comfortable standing up for myself in other situations. My SO and I have a stronger relationship than ever because we're going through this nonsense together. But that doesn't change that this totally sucks.

Anyway. That's it for now. Advice or thoughts on any of this would be great.

I’ve posted in here several times about my batshit crazy MIL. My husband went to see her on Sunday and told me he was not taking our LO because he knew that his mother only wanted to see the baby (she is obsessive and thinks she’s the baby’s mother in a weird way).

It’s been 2 weeks since they last saw the baby. She texts us and says, “Hi guys! We miss insert baby’s name. When is a good day/time for us to come visit?”

She didn’t even ask IF we wanted Company (we do not want her over). My husband responded back with, “you just miss LO?”

I responded back with, “Hello. I’m still waiting for an apology for your actions since the birth of our daughter. Until you are able to take accountability for your actions, you are no longer welcome in our home. Thank you.”

Anyways it’s been 4 hours and there’s no response LOL. I have blocked MIL on everything (for about a week now, I only knew she texted bc my husband told me what she sent).

The fact she could not respond to me shows she’s still refusing to admit she’s done anything wrong, which she has pulled a LOT of shit since our baby has been born.

I know it sounds bad, but I’m so angry over how she treated me immediately after the baby was born, that even if she apologizes, I still do not want her near my daughter or me 🤷🏻‍♀️

I told my husband IF she apologizes and means it (which she probably won’t), he can take the baby with him to go visit his MIL, but if she does not, she will not be seeing me or LO ever again. Regardless, I am never spending time with her again. I’m a very forgiving person and I have been pushed to my limits for the past 8 years. I’m fed up.

I have a typical covert narcicist manipulator.
We traveled to come take care of her because she had a stroke and they discovered a tumor in her brain.

I have been traveling with a 5mo and a 2yo for a month now.
My husband is on paternity leave until January.
But I had to work remotely.
You can Imagine there is no routine, no proper feeding, I shower them when I can. We are sleeping on the floor sometimes.
It basically has been hell.

We have been waiting for the surgery to happen, meanwhile I’ve been taking care of her, work, and the kids. And swallowing all of her nasty treatment.

My 5mo is EBF…
My body hit its limit and I got an allergic reaction and got urticaria on my whole body. I’ve been so stressed and now my whole body itched.

I decided to go to a hotel with my husband and kids and let my 2 SILs, her two daugthers take care of her.
The minute she found out, she started hinting she didn’t want that to happen.

When We left, she called my husband to tell her how unfit of a Mother I am because my kids look stressed, tired, not taken cared of.
And she added that she saw me breastfeeding my 5mo old and I wasn’t looking at him in the eyes so I must not love him. AND that she made many mistakes in life but she always had love for her children… also told my husband that I give him anxiety and he needs to take madications for depression because of my.

Then she asked my husband to not say anything to me.

…

I feel soooo bad, exhausted, I’ve given my all to take care of this lady and not say a thing because she is literally dying…
But even sick she is being so mean!!!
Omg why would a Mother say such things to another one?

I left my bed to come take care of her… I’m sleep deprived, to my limit!

Are my feeligs exagerated? Should I be more understanding?
Why can’t I forgive her?…
What do I do to let this go?