The only time I was ever able to let a part speak directly to my therapist instead of saying "This part thinks/says..." this part said, "I'm afraid of the dark, and I'm not supposed to be."

This part very much feels there is something lurking in the dark. And there is very much a part that says, "It's me. I'm lurking in the dark!"

Well, I suppose if I went into a dark place I would be faced with this part. But I always feel terrified to meet them! I don't know what they could be hiding. I feel that most of my memoeries and trauma are right out in then open.

Sometimes I have a dream about a door that leads into a very dark, very scary corridor, and it gives me that same feeling of abject terror.

There's a closet in my house, and if I go into it at night, I find myself in enveloping darkness. I used to love hiding in closets as a kid, although I wasn't allowed to. It was sure a good way to get away from overwhelming sensory overload.

I wish I could get through the fear and meet this part head on. I think they will never show their face if I don't. It's like it's the point. Maybe they're protecting the part that's afraid of the dark. I'm not sure how to approach this and I feel stuck.

I know I've heard people say to keep your childhood self alive. Embrace your inner child, so I know it's important, and I can conceive of that. But sometimes those younger parts aren't having a good time. If my younger parts, were just finger painting, and blowing bubbles , but could then step back easily enough when I need to be responsible, confront fears and challenges, meet every day life demands.........those same younger parts feel at times....saddened by that. IT's a very familiar feeling of "I just dont' have time for you".

I mean for all the reasons you might imagine, that there was so much time lost to surviving, and it seems such a short time that we have with those parts-anyway (children grow up so fast) , before we then have to step forward as grown adults, often times feeling unprepared. Anyway.

I"m asking because I had a dream, of my 6-7 year old self. I never dream like this, It' was so visceral, and clear. I knelt down to my younger self, I remember myself at that age. I was looking at the floor, and I leaned in and kissed her forward and her nose....then hugged her.....really hugged her......because she needed it. Being forced to grow up too fast. Because I had a Mother who was a child herself.

Of course , suddenly my Mother was there, like this is all so normal..me having to hug myself, ..... In her own self absorbed world, ruining everything and thinking we're all having such a great time, as long as she's enjoying re-living her childhood through me, but it's not my childhood. I had to be a child, the way she envisioned that for me.

it was always like that too. Her never listening to me. IN her own world. But anyway.

I woke up and almost forgot about the dream. Felt a little depressed. You know, especially if youre everyone's caregiver in some respect, you have obligations a family, responsibilities.

All night long that's all I thought about was "My RESPONSIBLITIES" and exactly what does that mean? It doesnt just mean adulting, paying bills, obligations , it's also engaging a responsibility to these younger parts, without becoming self absorbed....but that' feels negative to me?. I mean for these younger parts that have NEVER had someone's attention, and now I'm doling out attention in teaspoons. When you have these younger parts, they're with you wherever you go. They want to feel heard, (IME), but feel neglected, and sad.......because in reality they really dont' belong everywhere you go, not when other adults expect you to show up, AS an adult.

LIke when I have a medical appointment. I tend to collapse. LIke here's the once place that I don't have to perform. I'm self knowledgeable, I know how to be a responsible person to my conditions, keep records and notes. But when it's time for a procedure, I'm pretty sure that's when I"m allowed to have someone else take over. I"m not giving myself a shot, or putting myself in an MRI machine, y'know? LIke maybe for two seconds I can exhale and not have to be attuned to every other humans need, and what should I do to meet them. A huge part of me feels vulnerable and scared. I feel weak, sometimes dizzy. It's that child part. And I KNOW, that health staff pick up on it, and I swear to God, with some people it either triggers their own neglected parts and they get irritated or feel like "when will it be my turn?" , or they feel disgust. I actually had a person say to me, "I wish I had time for someone to make me feel transformed"...it was something like that. I feel like I constantly need a hug. Like when is it okay to have a Need? Not burden someone with it, just develop a tolerance, a healthy perspective of "its okay to NEED ALL that you need. All that you didnt get. And not feel disgust, or guilt, or some way "sorry, that doesnt fit into your life, it's too late". Because I feel like that a lot.

It's just hard to understand. I have these younger parts that are getting easier to recognize, they seem to be coming forward on their own...maybe a little sadder, a little more vulnerable, a tad more desperate and lonely. Wondering, "when will it be time for me?" It's this certain age where I had all this awareness of emotional neglect, like 5-8. When I was supposed to be happy, but felt disconnected and sad, unseen, and emotionally neglected, and afraid....mostly unseen. I didnt realize that. I honestly thought "That was the happiest I've ever been" but no. I was lonely, a lot. I wandered around, alone.

These younger parts, have gone without so much. Legitimately have suffered all this emotional neglect, if not outright negation, and it' takes so much time, focus, effort, specific ways of incorporating techniques for communication, framing, etc.........but life tends to crowd that out, and I end up feeling depressed, sad, and resentful of my other responsibilities. LIke I was pushed through my childhood, unattended, unloved, needing nurturing, and now my body won't sustain me, so I can't keep up.

And that's when I started to think about responsibilities. All your responsibiliites. Being responsible for your deficits, trauma, is just as much of a responsibility as anything else-right?. Being say responsive, and informed about what you Need in terms of therapy, things that help you develop a skill, gift or talent that lied dormant for years.....like I haven't painted in years, but i know it's there and needs time, space, .............And I feel sad, and overburdened with all of it. If I don't sleep then maybe I can make the time.

Until a part wanders into your dream. something like '" I hope you havent forgotten about me?". And I don't have the health I once did. Not the health that I had as an 8 year old. So there's that. Where youre physically hurting. Food , clothing , shelter. How to cook, good food, how to find clothing that works for you, that you actually like, keeping a roof over your head that's not caving in on you.

And I think I tend to just push those younger parts aside .......because I feel like I just don't have time I can feel the sadness of that , this depression ascending on me because developing engaging, learning, addressing all these parts, much of them shame ridden,........ is soooo time consuming. Then I get mad at them.

I feel like I need the space that a normal child would have had, where it's all about them, and they're being attended to, and I don't have that, so it seems impossible. .....to meet all those parts, and deficits, and needs in a way that they actually require without trying to make those needs smaller, or making them feel like they're a massive burden.

Is it typical, in IFS therapy, to focus on a new part/s each session? i don’t feel I revisit parts I have met with my T much. Is that usual?

Sending love to your abandoned parts. 💕

How do you make sense of your values if you have polarized parts? Part of me wants to focus on writing even if it makes no money and has no readers and yet another part wants to just focus on making money and forget everything else.

I’ve been working with connecting and understanding a certain part of me. My masking part ( I’m late diagnosed Audhd ). Protecter

I am not an artist and can’t really draw but I thought why not collage the way this certain part feels and shows up? Is this an okay thing to do to connect with parts?

I plan on making more for my other parts I’ve been working with.

Hi everyone! I’m hoping to find someone interested in doing a 30–60 minute resonant relating session this weekend.

There’s a part of me I’d like to share and receive empathy for. I’ve already spent some time with this part on my own, and I’m noticing some excitement and joy around the idea of exploring it in connection with another person.

I’m thinking 30 minutes if the session is focused on me, or 60 minutes if you’d also like to take a turn and receive empathy afterward.

The themes I’d like to explore are around work, competence, and wanting to feel seen and acknowledged for the value I bring.

I’m in GMT+8 and have a somewhat unconventional sleep schedule, so I’m flexible about timing.

I have experience with NVC and IFS, and I’d be happy to offer empathy in return if you’d like a turn, too. Ideally, I’d love to connect with someone who has a fair amount of experience with IFS and feels comfortable holding space for another person’s experience with presence, patience, and care.

If this sounds like something you’d be open to, feel free to reach out. Thanks!

Hi all,

Started IFS several months ago and feeling all of the above.

This gets so meta that I get confused and don't know how to move forwards. I feel pretty disconnected from reality and safety most of the time and then numbed out at others.

My therapist and I know that there is a self like part that does a lot of research and is in the way of accessing self and healing. He is also writing this message.

I wake up panicked, weirded out etc. and tired to face another day.

When I try to talk to the part to get it to relax, I hear the words and realise it is possibly the same part trying to be self. And then follows criticism from another part that seems to fucking hate it, followed by more feelings.of despair as I'll never get it.

Can anyone share how they moved through this?

Thank you

Have you managed to stop judging your exiles? Even the most challenging ones? I find this hard to imagine and it would pretty optimistic. When I first got into IFS during the beginning of my dark night of the soul , it seemed much easier to say I can love myself and overcome judgement for some of my parts. I have started to become a lot less naive about myself and it seems hard, sometimes kind of impossible to love or accept my worst parts.

Reading a book can only go so far for me. I need something to look at that can break down, draw out, list, tier and map things out for me. A visual structure would help my journey so much.

I've searched, but I'm starting to feel overwhelmed and honestly I'd just like to be told what's worked for others. If you have any suggestions, please share- websites, printables, workbooks, even just images...

Hello everyone, hope you're doing well!

While thinking about parts, an idea came to my mind. I'm not sure how valid or useful it is, so I wanted to ask for your thoughts and experiences.

Has anyone here tried writing letters to their parts? What was it like? Do you think it's a good way to communicate and connect with them? If you've tried it, I'd be curious to hear about your experience.

Have a great day!

Hello all! I wanted to share about the upcoming general application as I know there are some therapists in this subreddit who are interested in training in IFS.

The General Application opens on Monday, November 2 at 12:00 PM Central Time and will close** on **Friday, November 13 at 3:00 PM Central Time.
 
More information can be found at https://ifs-institute.com/trainings/level-1/north-american-trainings

I’m a 27-year-old woman and have been in long-term therapy for four years.
During the first year, we weren’t actively practicing IFS yet. It was more of a getting-to-know-each-other phase, where we mostly talked so my therapist could understand my history. We also practiced mindfulness and imaginal exercises to prepare me for working with IFS parts later on.
So technically, I’ve been doing serious IFS work for three years now. My main issues when I started therapy were:

emotional regulation
attachment wounds
severe anxiety
complex relational trauma.

I haven’t had any meaningful long-term connections in my life for about eight years. And even after all this time in therapy, I still haven’t managed to form meaningful connections in my daily life.
I’ve asked my therapist about the progress I’ve made at least three times so far. Her response is usually along the lines of “healing isn’t linear, it takes time” and “psychological progress isn’t always tangible. It’s not like repairing a broken car, where you can clearly see the results.”
I’m highly self-critical and have high standards for myself, so it’s possible that I’m overlooking some of my own progress. My therapist insists that I’ve made progress, but at the same time, after four years, I’d expect to actually notice some of that progress myself, wouldn’t I? Without needing my therapist to tell me it’s there?

One time, I asked her to elaborate on the progress she claims I’ve made. Her response was that before therapy, I was fundamentally distrustful of other people. But now, I’ve become more open, trusting, and willing to let people in. She mentioned something else as well, but I can’t remember what it was.

When I started therapy, I was fully aware that it would take years to work through my issues and make substantial progress. So I’m willing to put in the work for as long as it takes. But after four years, I’m not quite sure whether it has yielded the results I was hoping for.

Hey y'all! I recently discovered this subreddit shortly after my therapist brought up "parts therapy." We haven't dived into yet but I'm very intrigued by the idea! I suffer through alot of dissociation and am quite creative, so I'm looking forward to starting and connecting with the sides of me I neglect. However, many of the posts on this subreddit seem like they're from individuals with DID (which I'm not itching to develop). I'd love to hear about others first experiences with IFS and how it helps when you don't have DID.

Hello all!

I have been immensely frustrated with a pattern that I keep repeating and I was wondering if it sounds like it could be related to a part or something.

I wake up in the morning and know I need to get up, but I hit snooze several times. Then I go eat breakfast and drink coffee. Today, I slept on the couch after coffee. I knew that I needed to go get ready for work, but I kept restarting my five minute timer to just sleep a little bit more. I need to leave for work at 8:15, but I didn't get off the couch until 8:35. I hate being late and I hate the guilt of sleeping in, but I can't stop myself from doing it. It's probably one of my biggest annoyances with my life right now and yet I can't seem to stop it.

Does this sound like a part? I have tried so many things and I just can't seem to talk myself out of just five more minutes. I am so embarrassed about always being late for things.

I know I have a part that wants to sleep when I am overwhelmed. Maybe it's related? For reference, I have a CPAP and get great scores every night. I do have ADHD and am on meds.

I have been going to therapy since I was 21, when I was 25 I started taking my healing very seriously and engaged in it full time. Im 28 now and I‘ve sacrificed more than I ever thought I would, and Im beginning to realize that Im not even close to seeing any color or optimism in my life. I just see pain and suffering. Im wondering how many of many ideals will survive this process.

I have just started on my cPTSD healing journey leveraging KAP, a therapist, and Google Gemini as my journaling and feedback partner. This is where I landed on my initial parts identification.

I would love to hear feedback from anyone wishing to provide some. Thoughts, how you can relate, or anything else you wish to take the time to share.

Here is where I have put together with AI helping to format this into a clean summary for me:

1. THE SENTRY (Type 6 / Pessimism / Threat-Scanner) 

• Governs: 81.8% Pessimism schema & horizon scanning. 
• Function: Scans the perimeter, watches for sudden disruption, and pre-armors the system so you are never caught flat-footed. 

1. THE WARDEN (Type 1 / Punitiveness / Internal Proctor) 

• Governs: 90.5% Punitiveness schema & zero-defect doctrine. 
• Function: Enforces strict protocols, runs internal audits, and acts as a harsh court-martial for perceived missteps. 

1. THE PROJECT MANAGER (Level 1 ASD/Masking Engine) 

• Governs: Sensory processing, social friction, and routine. 
• Function: Maintains logistical control, manages environmental predictability, and handles the heavy energetic tax of masking. 

1. THE EXILE (The Vulnerable Core / Self-Doubt Identity) 

• Governs: Raw early developmental wounds & unshielded memories. 
• Function: Holds the quiet historical pain of early neglect. (Note: The Sentry and Warden were built entirely to protect this part).

Thank you in advance for taking the time to read!

I am curious about a part that holds a very firm rule.

Always finish. Never let people down. Do the right thing, no matter how you feel.

Another part may be tired or want a different plan. But even asking about change can feel wrong to the part holding the rule.

In IFS, how do you get to know that part without turning the conversation into an argument about whether its rule makes sense?

I can see how a question like “What are you afraid would happen?” could still carry a hidden push to make it stop.

What helps you notice that push and make room for both parts? I would welcome how you approach this, rather than advice about a specific person.

okay i have no idea how to word this according to ifs standards— bear with me. so i’m trying to connect with a teenage part (who experienced a lot of rejection growing up) because of my own recent experience with rejection. it’s been messing with my mental state lately. anyways, i am able to meet face to face with her, and we’re able to sit and look at each other. it’s not like a mother and child tearfully reuniting or anything, but i’m able to tell her that i really empathize with her experiences, and it makes sense why she would be incredibly fearful of being vulnerable because of the constant rejection. then therapist asks how the girl feels about me and my life. the part tells me she is not entirely accepting of the way i have turned out because she was hoping i’d be in a better position by now which i totally understand, and i feel like we’re getting on the same level of seeing each other. the pity goes both ways. but then therapist says this is actually another part coming in and being judgmental. hm okay where is this other part though? so my teen part and i are looking around… uh it’s just us. well, i stand in front of my teen part, and i’m like “teens can be judgmental— that’s not a crime.” my therapist says that the judgement is a part pretending to be my teen part, but it’s actually hiding the teen part or something. so now i gotta pivot to this part that’s supposedly in front of her. after that i felt like i was just making stuff up to appease her. now i feel like my teen part and i are BOTH annoyed at this point, but i know next-to-nothing about IFS, so i can’t really trust if i’m right. idk why i just feel like if my teen part and i aren’t bonding like a family in a disney channel original movie then oh looks like there’s actually ANOTHER part that’s in the way. it made me totally forget about the rejection bc what the hell was that? sorry if i sound ignorant

I've done a lot of therapy. I can explain my patterns, my triggers, where it all comes from, I could probably teach a class on my own psychology at this point. But understanding it hasn't translated into actually feeling different or acting different.

For those who've been here too: once "knowing why" stopped being enough, what actually moved the needle for you? Not looking for theory, just curious what genuinely worked, even if it felt random or unrelated to therapy.

EDIT: Who is downvoting me? and why? I don't understand.

(This is long and I thought maybe writing it out might just do some good either way, so I left it long. Thanks if anyone decides to read it.)

Just doing this on my own for now and I'm looking for advice on how to move forward working with a couple parts. Also, I've been at this a while but I rarely hear my parts very much or very clearly at all. I journal and I do get a good general idea of what's going on sometimes as far as why parts do what they do, but trying to ask things directly like "what would you like to do instead of this if you could? what can I do for you? etc" I usually get either nothing or it's very unclear, and trying to actually negotiate or do anything other than understand why they do things rarely gets anywhere(a few times maybe, but not often).

I also know I have a part that's VERY anxious and stressed to move forward with this, to hurry up and heal, and wants to be pushy or even downright abusive to other parts to get this process moving and done so I can go back to normal life before I opened all this shit up. And just making this post is making me realize I need to work with that part more too, but like the rest, I don't really know how to proceed. I'm not even sure if I'm ever really in Self, but how do I ever get there without calming down these other parts which I'm not sure how to do?

The two main parts(or maybe groups of parts?) I intended to make the post about are -

1. I had a horrible time socially and with bullying all through childhood. Learned only recently in middle age that I'm neurodivergent(I knew but I didn't, long story) and that was a big part of that. I have... I think multiple little kid parts that just want to be... well I'm not even sure. There's this sense of reaching out with my arms, like this frantic grasping for... someone? something?... I don't know. A feeling, I think, of wanting to be... included? heard? accepted? I'm not even sure if those are right or if I'm just guessing at it.
2. From the perspective of other parts, I get this sense of I'm a serious adult trying to be strong and "cool" and together. I see these child parts who are young and sad and full of emotions and small and weak and I have this brief feeling of "oh I should help them I guess, but I can't and just... ugh, ew" and then it's like seeing them fade in the rearview mirror as if I'm speeding by them because stopping would not only interrupt me but it would be embarrassing and vulnerable and people would see me as weak and the kids need to toughen up, grow up, stop acting childish and weak and weird, etc.

So I swing back and forth between the strong urge to just be a weird irresponsible emotional little kid who just wants to game and watch tv and eat junk, and this adult toxic asshole to myself who pushes way too hard.

Any advice on how to actually get somewhere and work with these parts? The sense I get from both of them is just stubborn "let us do our thing, we don't want anything to change, leave us alone".